Jack Lemmon Quotes

Shelley Levene What the hell are you? You're a fuckin secretary. Fuck you. Yeah, that's my message to ya: fuck you and kiss my ass, and if you don't like it baby, I'm going across the street to Jerry Graff, period. Fuck you.

Max Professor, Where are you?

Professor Fate Behind the rock!

Max Behind which rock?

Professor Fate This rock you idiot!

Professor Fate Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come.

U. S. Ambassador We're not involved, Mr. Horman. Our position has been completely neutral.

Ed Horman That is a bald face lie, sir. How can you say a thing like that when you have army colonels, you have naval engineers, they're all over Viña del Mar.

U. S. Ambassador Please sit down. Look, it's very obvious you're harbouring some misconception regarding our role here.

Ed Horman What is your role here? Besides inducing a regime that murders thousands of human beings?

U. S. Ambassador Let's level with each other, sir. If you hadn't been personally involved in this unfortunate incident, you'd be sitting at home complacent and more or less oblivious to all of this. This mission is pledged to protect America interests, our interests.

Ed Horman Well they're not mine.

U. S. Ambassador There are over three thousand US firms doing business down here. And those are Americans interests. In other words, your interest. I am concerned with the preservation of a way of life.

Captain Ray Tower And a damned good one.

Ed Horman Maybe that's why there's nobody out there.

U. S. Ambassador You can't have it both ways.

Capt. Ray Tower I don't know what happened to your kid, Ed. But I understand he was a bit of a snoop. Poked his nose around in a lot of dangerous places where he didn't really belong. Now, suppose I went up to your town, New York, and I started messing around with the Mafia. I wind up dead in the East River. And my wife or my father complains to the police because they didn't protect me. They really wouldn't have much of a case, would they? You play with fire, you get burned.

Blake Let me have your attention for a moment. Cause you're talking about what? You're talking about bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch don't wanna buy land, somebody don't want what you're selling, some broad you're trying to screw, so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

John Williamson All but one.

Blake Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Coffee's for closers only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray, and I'm here on a mission of mercy! Your name's Levene?

Shelley Levene Yeah.

Blake You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?

Dave Moss I don't gotta listen to this shit.

Blake You certainly don't, pal, cause the good news is you're fired. The bad news is you've got — all of you've got — just one week to regain your jobs, starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, cause we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a ]. Anybody wanna see second prize? Second prize's a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired. Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can't close the leads you're given? You can't close shit? You are shit! Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it cause you are going out!

Shelley The leads are weak!

Blake The leads are weak? Fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business 15 years.

Dave What's your name?

Blake Fuck you! That's my name! You know why, mister? Cause you drove a ] to get here tonight. I drove an $80,000 ]. That's my name! And your name is: you're wanting and you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them? Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fucking faggots? A–B–C. A: Always, B: Be, C: Closing. Always be closing. Always be closing! A–I–D–A. Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Attention: do I have your attention? Interest: are you interested? I know you are, cause it's fuck or walk. You close, or you hit the bricks! Decision: have you made your decision for Christ? And action. A–I–D–A. Get out there! You got the prospects coming in; you think they came in to get outta the rain? A guy don't walk on the lot unless he wants to buy. They're sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Don't you want to take it? Are you man enough to take it?

Dave Incredible.

Blake What's the problem, pal? You, Moss.

Dave You're such a hero. You’re so rich. How come you’re coming down here and waste your time with such a bunch of bums?

Blake You see this watch? You see this watch?

Dave Yeah.

Blake That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here? Close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself $15,000, tonight, in two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A–I–D–A! Get mad, you son of a bitches! Get mad! You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate. Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there. You pick it up, it's yours. You don't, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close — close! — it's yours. Not, you're gonna be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying — bunch of losers, sitting around in a bar? "Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman. It's a tough racket." These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads, and to you, they're gold, and you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for closers. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to. They asked for a favor. I said, the real favor? Follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.

Professor Fate I'd like to see the Great Leslie try THAT one!

The Great Leslie Thirty seven inches to go.

Professor Fate Oh, 37 inches to go. Huzzah! At the rate we've been melting, that's good for about one more week!

The Great Leslie You'd better keep it to yourself.

Professor Fate Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself. Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm gonna mention it to SOMEBODY!

John Williamson You said, "You don't make something up unless it's sure to help." How did you know I made it up?

Shelley Levene What are you talking about?

John I told the customer his contract went to the bank.

Shelley Had it?

John No, it hadn't.

Shelley Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me! What are you getting at?

John Well, I'm saying this, Shelley: Usually I take the contracts to the bank. Last night I didn't. Last night I stayed home with my kids. How did you know that? One night in a year I left a contract on my desk. No one knew that but you. Now how did you know that? You want to talk to me, or do you want to talk to someone else?

Shelley Oh, for Christ's sake.

John Because this is my job. This is my job on the line, and you are gonna talk to me! Now how did you know that contract was on my desk?

Shelley You are so full of shit.

John You robbed the office.

Shelley Oh sure, I robbed the office! Oh, sure! You're an asshole.

John What did you do with the leads? You want to go in there? I tell him what I know, he's gonna dig up something. You got an alibi last night, Shelley? You better have one. What did you do with the leads? If you tell me what you did with the leads, we can talk.

Shelley Well, I don't know what the hell you're talking about!

John If you tell me where the leads are I won't turn you in. If you don't, I'm gonna tell a cop you stole them. Mitch and Murray will see that you go to jail. Believe me, they will! Now where are the leads? I'm walking in that door. You got five seconds to tell me or you are going to jail!

Shelley Ah, go on.

John Yeah, I don't care! You understand? Where are the leads?

Shelley I—

John All right.

Shelley I sold em.

Shelley Levene That's defeatist! Fuck it!

Beth Horman They give me the same song and dance over and over again. He could be hurt or - tortured. They don't give a goddamn about him.

Ed Horman Oh look, really, I don't want to hear any of your anti-Establishment paranoia! I certainly get enough of that from my son.

Ed Horman Look, gentlemen, I know these are bad times, it's not fun for you people. It's certainly not fun for Beth or me. Or Charles. I know you're doing your best, I have to believe that. That's our only hope. But you have all the machinery on your side. Don't you see? You have all the connections. I'm a middle-aged businessman from New York City. I don't speak one word of Spanish. Here I am. My son may have been *shot*. Maybe he was tortured. Maybe he was, oh, Lord, beaten so badly that they're keeping him until he's well enough to be released. I don't know. I don't care! Oh, really, I don't care. Because what is done - is done. I just want you to reach those people and tell them I will take Charles back in any condition. I'm not gonna make a stink. I'm not gonna go to the newspapers. You make out any kind of a release form, I will sign it. I will absolve anyone, everyone, of everything. I just want my boy back! He's the only child I have, sir. Did you hear what I said?

Silvio You Americans, you always assume you must do something before you can be arrested.

Ed Horman Isn't that the way it usually works?

Silvio Not here, Mr Horman.

Professor Fate Fate:Push the button, Max!

Ed Horman Why aren't you cooperating with them?

Beth Horman I am cooperating with them. I've been cooperating for two weeks, Ed! I'm sick and tired of getting fucked around by these people, that's why!

Ed Horman This past week I've felt like, erm, my heart has been torn out of me.

Beth Horman It's okay.

Ed Horman I feel very guilty.

Beth Horman Hey, Charlie always says guilt is like fear. It's given to us for survival, not destruction.

Ed Horman Oh. Beth, for what it's worth, I think you are one of the most courageous people I have ever met.

Professor Fate Smokescreen Max! Give them the smokescreen! No, you idiot! The smokescreen! Push the button, Max!

Harry Hinkle's mother Harry? Harry, baby, how do you feel?

Harry Hinkle's mother It's me, Mama. And Charlotte is here and Willie and Ginger and Jeffrey.

Harry Hinkle Hi, sports fans.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich How is he, Doc?

Doctor I think he has a mild concussion. We've put him under sedation. He'll rest comfortably tonight.

Harry Hinkle This is Harry Hinkle on Camera Four.

Harry Hinkle's mother He doesn't know his own mother.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich Well, Doc, any ruptures, broken bones, internal bleeding?

Doctor I don't think so.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich You don't think so? How long you been outta medical school?

Doctor Five months.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich That long, huh?

Doctor Sir?

Harry Hinkle Okay, Louie. You pick up the band. I'll pan with the pompom girls. La la-la la-la-la-la-la.

John Williamson The leads are coming!

Shelley Levene Get em to me!

John I talked to Mitch and Murray an hour ago. They're coming in, you understand. They're a bit upset about this morning's—

Shelley Did you tell em about my sale?

John How could I tell them about your sale? I don't even have a teleph— I'll tell them about your sale when they bring in the leads, all right? Shelley, all right? You closed a deal. Fine. You made a good sale. Fine.

Shelley It's better than a good sale. It's—

John Look, I have a lot on my mind right now. They're coming in, all right? They're very upset, I'm trying to make some sense—

Shelley I'm telling you. The one thing you can tell them is that it's a remarkable sale.

John The only thing remarkable about it is who you made it to.

Shelley What the fuck does that mean?

John That if the sale sticks, it'll be a miracle.

Shelley What does that mean? Why would it not— oh, fuck you. You do not know your job. That's what I'm saying. You do not know your job. That's what I'm saying. A man is his job, and you are fucked at yours. All right, I'm done with you.

Silvio Believe us, sir. Your son is not what they told you.

Ed Horman How do you know that, Silvio?

Silvio He's a nice guy. He's sincere. A hard worker. But he's a political neophyte. He's terrified of violence.

Shelley Levene You are a shit-head, Williamson. Can't think on your feet, you ought to keep your mouth closed.

Professor Fate Push the button, Max!

Professor Fate Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?

Max Car number 5, the engine falls out!

Professor Fate Car number 5, hah hah hah hah! Uh Max... we're number 5.

Professor Fate Well, there's another one, Leslie can try on for size.

Professor Fate Escaped?

General Kushter With a small friar.

Professor Fate Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Consul Phil Putnam Please try to understand. There are so many cases. They're all so important, and this isn't the only one we're working on

Ed Horman It's the only one I care about.

Consul Phil Putnam You and a lot of other people. Listen, I've never seen so many cables from Washington. What kind of pull do you have up there anyway?

Ed Horman I'm an American citizen.

Consul Phil Putnam Listen, Mr Horman, I wish there was something we could say or do.

Ed Horman Well, there's something I'm going to do. I'm going to sue you, Phil. And Tower and the Ambassador and everybody who let that boy die. We're going to make it so hot for you you'll wish you were stationed in the Antarctic.

Consul Phil Putnam Well, I guess that's your privilege.

Ed Horman No, that's my right! I just thank God we live in a country where we can still put people like you in jail.

Joe Clay My name is Joe Clay. I'm an alcoholic.

Professor Fate A pox on you!

Dave Moss You're fucked, Rick. Are you fucking nuts? You're hot, so you think you're the ruler of this place. You wanna—

Shelley Levene Now, wait a minute, Dave.

Dave Shut up!

Shelley Okay.

Dave You want to decide who should be dealt with how, is that it? I come in the fucking office today, I get humiliated by some jack-off cop. I get accused of— I get the shit thrown in my face by you, you genuine shit, because you're top name on the board?

Ricky Roma Is that what I did, Dave? I humiliated you? Oh my God. I'm sorry.

Dave Sitting on top of the world. Sitting on top of the world, everything's fucking peach fuzz.

Ricky And I don't get a moment to spare for some bust-out humanitarian down on his luck lately?

Dave Oh, fuck—

Ricky Fuck you, Dave. You know you got a big mouth. You make a close, this whole place stinks with your farts for a week, how much you just ingested. Oh, what a big man you are! "Hey, let me buy you a pack of gum. I'll show you how to chew it." Ooh! Your pal closes, and all that comes out of your mouth is bile! How fucked-up you are!

Dave Who's my pal, Ricky? Hmm? What are you? And what are you, Ricky? Huh? ]? What the fuck are you, Mr. Slick? Who— what the fuck are you: friend of the working man? Big deal! Fuck you! You got the memory of a fucking fly! I never liked you, anyway.

Ricky What is this, your farewell speech?

Dave I'm going home.

Ricky Your farewell to the troops?

Dave I'm not going home. I'm going to Wisconsin.

Ricky Have a good trip.

Dave Ah, fuck you! Fuck the lot of you! Fuck you all!

Ricky You were saying?

Kate Newman What we need to know is, can they order an American to "disappear" without consulting the Americans first?

Paris No, they wouldn't dare.

Ed Horman How can I verify that?

Paris You can't.

Professor Fate I hate you! You, I hate! You, whose clothes are always white, and whose hair is always combed, and whose car is always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!

Felix Ungar Room please.

Receptionist You alone? Luggage? How long you want it for?

Felix Ungar Not very long.

Receptionist Five dollars. Five dollars. 307.

Felix Ungar Uh, haven't - haven't you anything uh higher?

Receptionist Higher? 914?

Joe Clay I walked by Union Square Bar. I was going to go in. Then I saw myself, my reflection in the window, and I thought, "I wonder who that bum is." And then I saw it was me. Now look at me. I'm a bum. Look at me! Look at you. You're a bum. Look at you. And look at us. Look at us. Come on, look at us! See? A couple of bums.

Professor Fate My apologies, there's a polar bear in our car.

The Great Leslie If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear.

Embassy driver If you don't mind my asking, what's Christian Science about?

Ed Horman Faith... It's about faith.

Embassy driver Faith in what?

Ed Horman Truth.

Joe Anyone there?

Liquor Store Propietor Sorry, we are closed. We will be open tommorow.

Joe Come on!

Liquor Store Propietor Store is closed, beat it!

Liquor Store Propietor I did not know you needed it that badly. In that case all you had to do was ask.

Liquor Store Propietor You want booze, buddy? I will give you all the booze you want!

Debbie Clay Daddy, will Mommy ever get well?

Joe Clay I did, didn't I?

Shelley Levene Don't!

John Williamson I'm sorry.

Shelley Why?

John Because I don't like you.

Shelley My daughter.

John Fuck you!

Ed Horman Now, erm, I owe you an apology.

Beth Horman No, you don't.

Ed Horman No, no, no. Well, for a long time now I've sold you short. Both of you. I don't really know why. Unless it's because I'm getting old. And I'm very stubborn.

Joe Clay You remember how it really was? You and me and booze — a threesome. You and I were a couple of drunks on the sea of booze, and the boat sank. I got hold of something that kept me from going under, and I'm not going to let go of it. Not for you. Not for anyone. If you want to grab on, grab on. But there's just room for you and me — no threesome.

Ed Horman He, he seems so innocent. Almost deliberately naive.

Beth Horman Is that so bad?

Ed Horman Is that so good?

Beth Horman You raised him.

Beth Horman And what are the basics? God, country and Wall Street?

Ed Horman You know what I mean.

Beth Horman I know, I know. God bless our way of life!

Ed Horman Oh, a very good way of life it is, young lady, no matter how much people like you and Charles try to tear it down with your sloppy idealism. I can no longer abide the young people of our country who live off their parents and the fat of the land and then they find nothing better to do than whine and complain.

Ed Horman Ed Horman filed suit charging eleven government officials, including ], with complicity and negligence in the death of his son. The body was not returned home until seven months later, making an accurate autopsy impossible. After years of ], the information necessary to prove or disprove complicity remained classified as secrets of state. The suit was dismissed.