Jason SegelQuotes

Owner of YouPorn: See this is the thing, you put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the Goddamn cops.

Jay: Sir, I see where you are coming from.

Owner of YouPorn: Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the Goddamn cops.

Bodyguard: I was thinking the same shit!

Annie: I love fucking you.

Jay: I fucking love you.

Robby: Who has sex for three hours?

Jay: We did!

Robby: [[w:Lincoln (film)|Lincoln] That's the length of the movie ]. You did the full Lincoln.

Sydney Fife: [winks] Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah? Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

Sydney Fife: Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will.

Peter Bretter: [Rachel has just walked in on him naked in his changing room; he covers himself with his free hand; holds up his phone; after a moment, Rachel bursts out laughing] I was just calling you. Um... wow.

Rachel Jansen: [keeps laughing; Peter grins sheepishly; she keeps laughing] Oh, Peter! ) I'm sorry.

Peter Bretter: Stop laughing. Can, can you please stop laughing?

Rachel Jansen: [walks towards him] I missed you.

Peter Bretter: [Rachel cuts him off with a passionate kiss] Um, I just wanted to tell you, I've been thinking a lot about...

Peter Bretter: Wow! You came... I- I can't believe that you came.

Rachel Jansen: Peter, this is... this is great. It was really funny, yeah.

Peter Bretter: [they laugh, then there is an awkward pause] Thank you. You know what? I didn't realize that it was a comedy and then, someone told me that, and it just, like opened the whole thing up! How long are you in town for?

Rachel Jansen: Open-ended.

Peter Bretter: Oh! Wow. Bold.

Rachel Jansen: [smiles] Yeah, you know... I'm kinda checking out some schools.

Peter Bretter: [smiles] Congratulations.

Rachel Jansen: Yeah, maybe. [pause You never called.

Peter Bretter: [pause; he and Rachel laugh] You told me not to... and I listened. Wasn't easy...I might have called once and hung up, from a private number.

Rachel Jansen: Listen to me, Peter. I was a mess, too. I understand that, okay? But it does not excuse you acting like a complete asshole!

Peter Bretter: Rachel, look, I know that I fucked things up for a minute, but I am not like every other asshole!

Rachel Jansen: You should not be with anybody, right now. Anybody.

Peter Bretter: I know... I know that there is something here. I know I wasn't wrong about that. And yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.

Rachel Jansen: [quietly] I need you to leave. Do not write me, do not call me, do not email me. Peter, I need you to go.

Peter Bretter: [pause, nods] I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry.

Sarah Marshall: [As she is giving Peter oral sex, Peter feels guilty about Rachel] What's wrong with you?

Peter Bretter: Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I just don't feel right.

Sarah Marshall: Okay, okay! I didn't mean... well, you know what? Did you drink today? Because, sometimes when you drink...

Peter Bretter: [walks past a wedding service on the lawn] Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so, my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore, Okay?! EVER! Cause you know what I just realized, huh? You're the goddamn Devil! Oh, yeah, wedding in Hawaii. Real original!

Sarah Marshall: [after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine] So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

Aldous Snow: [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice; notices the spill and laughs; laughing] Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... Ultimately, that is... Oh, no! Not the shirt! Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.

Aldous Snow: [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs] Um, garcon, could we get some...

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous: [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert] No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you.

Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

Rachel Jansen: [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.] Oh, good!

Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?

Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen: [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. I like living here.

Rachel Jansen: Wow, we’re really going up to the edge of this, huh?

Peter Bretter: Look.

Rachel Jansen: Wow, this is really beautiful. All right, so now that your show’s done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?

Peter Bretter: It’s not that was, you know. Sarah always thought it was crazy and...

Peter Bretter: I just don't feel like doing anything.

Rachel Jansen: Why?

Peter Bretter: Cause my heart is broken, and I can't imagine doing anything right now. It's probably the same reason... you don't go back to school, you know? Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know? don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.

Rachel Jansen: Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.

Peter Bretter: Yeah. No, exactly.

Rachel Jansen: Right.

Peter Bretter: We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as had as they did.

Rachel Jansen: So, jump then.

Peter Bretter: No, I meant that, like as a metaphor, you know?

Rachel Jansen: No. Just do it. You'll be fine. Jump.

Peter Bretter: Oh, god. Oh, god. I made her kill yourself. You must be crazy.

Rachel Jansen: So, are you gonna jump, or what.

Peter Bretter: No.

Rachel Jansen: Come on, Peter! I can see vagina from here. I can see hoo-ha.

Peter Bretter: I mean, I'll jump!

Rachel Jansen: Chicken, come on.

Peter Bretter: [while hanging from a cliff] So what should I do? I should just let go?

Rachel Jansen: No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!

Peter Bretter: Totally. So what do I do?!

Rachel Jansen: Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!

Peter Bretter: What, like a frog?!

Rachel Jansen: I don't know, Peter- just get off the fucking rock!

Peter Bretter: [pause] Here I go! One!

Rachel Jansen: Two!

Peter Bretter: [pause] Two! Two and a half-

Rachel Jansen: Jump!

Peter Bretter: [jumps, falls awkwardly, but safely, into the sea near Rachel] Three!

Rachel Jansen: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You saw right?

Peter Bretter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.

Rachel Jansen: I was there I witnessed it.

Peter Bretter: [smiling] Thanks.

Kunu: It looks like you got a little pain behind those eyes.

Peter Bretter: Yeah, maybe a little.

Kunu: There's really only one cure for that.

Peter Bretter: Yeah, what's that?

Kunu: Weed. You got any?

Peter Bretter: No.

Kunu: Oh. Well then let's go surfin'!

Rachel Jansen: Where's your wife, sir?

Darald Braden: She is in bed.

Peter Brenner: How are things going with the lady?

Darald Braden: [[The Da Vinci Code; pause] Not awesome. She's complicated- like ], you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!

Rachel Jansen: Good night, sir.

Peter Bretter: Night, sir.

Darald Braden: Off to find the mythical clitoris!

Rachel Jansen: [Peter snickers into his drink] So! Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.

Peter Bretter: Oh, you could?

Rachel Jansen: Yeah.

Peter Bretter: That's very funny. It is.

Rachel Jansen: Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?

Peter Bretter: [awkward pause] I do the music for that program.

Rachel Jansen: Well, did I mention that the music rocks?

Peter Bretter: [chuckles; mimics a line from the show; imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh] That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [into the phone, deadpan; notices Peter approaching] Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?

Peter Bretter: Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?

Peter Bretter: No.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Or, your girlfriend?

Peter Bretter: No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: You're just... by yourself?

Peter Bretter: Yeah.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [leads him to his table] Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.

Peter Bretter: I'll be all right, thank you.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I just would be so depressed.

Peter Bretter: [answering the phone after he has been sobbing on his balcony] Hello?

Rachel Jansen: Peter?

Peter Bretter: Sarah?

Rachel Jansen: No, it's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.

Peter Bretter: [making an effort to control his voice] Hey.

Rachel Jansen: Hey, what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?

Peter Bretter: [his voice begins to break again] Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. I think it's coming from the floor above me.

Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.

Peter Bretter: [pause] I'll try and keep it down.

Rachel Jansen: Are you okay?

Peter Bretter: Yeah, you have a nice night.

Rachel Jansen: [she hangs up. Cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.] Okay.

Rachel Jansen: Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?

Peter Bretter: [smiles weakly] I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances.

Rachel Jansen: [she looks through the registrar] Oh! Wow. Bold! We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.

Peter Bretter: Um, okay. How much is that?

Rachel Jansen: $6,000 a night.

Peter Bretter: Wow.

Rachel Jansen: Beautiful views.

Peter Bretter: [he looks around; he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ( hotel.

Rachel Jansen: [laughs] Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. People are excited that she's here.

Peter Bretter: She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.

Rachel Jansen: Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

Peter Bretter: Okay, like, this is fine, right?

Rachel Jansen: Sir?

Peter Bretter: [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] It's totally fine. Okay, there she is. Did she see me?

Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh.

Peter Bretter: Is she coming over here?

Rachel Jansen: Yup.

Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.

Rachel Jansen: [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? Button it back up.

Sarah Marshall: Peter?

Peter Bretter: Hey. Hi.

Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?

Peter Bretter: [chuckles hysterically] I came here to murder you.

Sarah: Really, what are you doing here?

Peter Brenner: I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...

Aldous Snow: [enters the lobby; slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard; holds up a black flip-flop; to Rachel] Hey there, little sex object! I've lost a shoe Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.

Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh?

Aldous Snow: Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...

Sarah Marshall: Aldous, this is Peter.

Aldous Snow: [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous. Good to meet you, man.

Sarah Marshall: My ex-boyfriend.

Aldous Snow: Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.

Peter Bretter: I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?

Peter Bretter: I'm not, as a matter...

Rachel Jansen: [to Peter] I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.

Peter Bretter: You were?

Rachel Jansen: [smiles and nods] Yes, sir.

Peter Bretter: Marvelous!

Aldous Snow: Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...

Sarah Marshall: Aldous!

Peter Bretter: No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.

Aldous Snow: Alright, Peter.

Sarah Marshall: Have a good trip, Pete.

Aldous Snow: [he and Sarah walk away; to Sarah] I like your shirt. It's colorful. Bye, ta-ta! I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?

Peter Bretter: [to Rachel] Bye, now. Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.

Rachel Jansen: [hands him a key] Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!

Peter Bretter: Why are you doing this for me?

Rachel Jansen: She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.

Peter Bretter: Yeah, right?! Thank you.

Rachel Jansen: Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!

Peter Bretter: [tries to read her nametag] Rachel...

Rachel Jansen: Jansen.

Peter Bretter: Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...

Rachel Jansen: Go. Go enjoy yourself!

Sarah Marshall: I feel... I've been feeling... that, for a long time, we've been growing apart. We're leading different lives.

Peter Bretter: [stands up] Who's the dude? Who's the dude?

Sarah Marshall: [stands up] What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no one else.

Peter Bretter: I know what's happening here. I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But maybe if we just held each other or something, you would remember what it's like to be with me.

Sarah Marshall: No.

Peter Bretter: [Sarah hesitates; he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly] Please hold me. Please.

Sarah Marshall: [Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock; she walks out in tears] There's someone else. I'm sorry.

Sarah Marshall: Peter... as you know, I love you very much...

Peter Bretter: [horrified; drops his towel and covers his face] Are you breaking up with me?

Sarah Marshall: Pete? Are you, um...?

Peter Bretter: [turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself] I just need a minute.

Sarah Marshall: Okay?

Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on?!

Peter Bretter: [sarcastically] Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!

Gary: Look, Walter, you're my brother, and I'm always gonna love you, but you belong here, with these guys. You're the one who brought everyone here together. You always believe in other people, but that’s easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that’s what growing up is. It’s becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You’re my hero.

Animal: In control.

Jack Black: Good. I'm Animal's court-appointed sponsor. We don't use the D-R-U-M word. It's his trigger word.

Kermit the Frog: His "trigger word"?

Gary: [Jack Black punches Gary] Excuse me, Mr. Black. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but it's very important that these guys get their drummer--

Walter: Gary!

Jack Black: It's my trigger word, too.

Moderator: Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday.

Jack Black: [punches a classmate] Tuesday's another one of my TRIGGER WORDS!

Moderator: [punches Jack Black] I DON'T THINK SO! Sorry.

Gary: Sorry. I was super excited.

Debbie: I gotta go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.

Jason: I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.

Ben: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.

Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Jonah: I can't believe you didn't wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?

Jason: Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use em, man?

Jonah: I can't believe you did this. You messed everything up.

Jason: The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.

Jonah: Well that's true. Everyone knows that.

Jason: What goes up must come down.