Jason Segel Quotes

Sex Tape

Expressions of Love and Passion

Annie I love fucking you.

Jay I fucking love you.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Confronting Mistakes and Emotional Turmoil

Rachel Jansen Listen to me, Peter. I was a mess, too. I understand that, okay? But it does not excuse you acting like a complete asshole!

Peter Bretter Rachel, look, I know that I fucked things up for a minute, but I am not like every other asshole!

Rachel Jansen You should not be with anybody, right now. Anybody.

Peter Bretter I know... I know that there is something here. I know I wasn't wrong about that. And yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.

Rachel Jansen I need you to leave. Do not write me, do not call me, do not email me. Peter, I need you to go.

[quietly]

Peter Bretter I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry.

[pause, nods]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Reflection on Beauty and Ambition

Rachel Jansen Wow, we’re really going up to the edge of this, huh?

Peter Bretter Look.

Rachel Jansen Wow, this is really beautiful. All right, so now that your show’s done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?

Peter Bretter It’s not that was, you know. Sarah always thought it was crazy and...

Peter Bretter I just don't feel like doing anything.

Rachel Jansen Why?

Peter Bretter Cause my heart is broken, and I can't imagine doing anything right now. It's probably the same reason... you don't go back to school, you know? Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know? don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.

Rachel Jansen Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.

Peter Bretter Yeah. No, exactly.

Rachel Jansen Right.

Peter Bretter We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as had as they did.

Rachel Jansen So, jump then.

Peter Bretter No, I meant that, like as a metaphor, you know?

Rachel Jansen No. Just do it. You'll be fine. Jump.

Peter Bretter Oh, god. Oh, god. I made her kill yourself. You must be crazy.

Rachel Jansen So, are you gonna jump, or what.

Peter Bretter No.

Rachel Jansen Come on, Peter! I can see vagina from here. I can see hoo-ha.

Peter Bretter I mean, I'll jump!

Rachel Jansen Chicken, come on.

Peter Bretter So what should I do? I should just let go?

[while hanging from a cliff]

Rachel Jansen No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!

Peter Bretter Totally. So what do I do?!

Rachel Jansen Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!

Peter Bretter What, like a frog?!

Rachel Jansen I don't know, Peter- just get off the fucking rock!

Peter Bretter Here I go! One!

[pause]

Rachel Jansen Two!

Peter Bretter Two! Two and a half-

[pause]

Rachel Jansen Jump!

Peter Bretter Three!

[jumps, falls awkwardly, but safely, into the sea near Rachel]

Rachel Jansen Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You saw right?

Peter Bretter Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.

Rachel Jansen I was there I witnessed it.

Peter Bretter Thanks.

[smiling]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Lessons Learned in Everyday Life

Rachel Jansen Where's your wife, sir?

Darald Braden She is in bed.

Peter Brenner How are things going with the lady?

Darald Braden Not awesome. She's complicated- like ], you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!

[[The Da Vinci Code; pause]

Rachel Jansen Good night, sir.

Peter Bretter Night, sir.

Darald Braden Off to find the mythical clitoris!

Rachel Jansen So! Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.

[Peter snickers into his drink]

Peter Bretter Oh, you could?

Rachel Jansen Yeah.

Peter Bretter That's very funny. It is.

Rachel Jansen Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?

Peter Bretter I do the music for that program.

[awkward pause]

Rachel Jansen Well, did I mention that the music rocks?

Peter Bretter That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!

[chuckles; mimics a line from the show; imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

I Love You, Man

Celebrating Love and Honesty in Marriage

Sydney Fife Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah? Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

[winks]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Knocked Up

Condom Misuse and Unconventional Advice

Jonah I can't believe you didn't wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?

Jason Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use em, man?

Jonah I can't believe you did this. You messed everything up.

Jason The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.

Jonah Well that's true. Everyone knows that.

Jason What goes up must come down.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Knocked Up

Misunderstandings about Chicken Pox and Herpes

Debbie I gotta go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.

Jason I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.

Ben We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.

Jason It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Muppets

Believing in Yourself and Growing Up

Gary Look, Walter, you're my brother, and I'm always gonna love you, but you belong here, with these guys. You're the one who brought everyone here together. You always believe in other people, but that’s easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that’s what growing up is. It’s becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You’re my hero.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

A Difficult Conversation About Love and Breakup

Sarah Marshall Peter... as you know, I love you very much...

Peter Bretter Are you breaking up with me?

[horrified; drops his towel and covers his face]

Sarah Marshall Pete? Are you, um...?

Peter Bretter I just need a minute.

[turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself]

Sarah Marshall Okay?

Sarah Marshall Do you want to put some clothes on?!

Peter Bretter Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!

[sarcastically]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Muppets

Managing Triggers in a Unique Setting

Animal In control.

Jack Black Good. I'm Animal's court-appointed sponsor. We don't use the D-R-U-M word. It's his trigger word.

Kermit the Frog His "trigger word"?

Gary Excuse me, Mr. Black. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but it's very important that these guys get their drummer--

[Jack Black punches Gary]

Walter Gary!

Jack Black It's my trigger word, too.

Moderator Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday.

Jack Black Tuesday's another one of my TRIGGER WORDS!

[punches a classmate]

Moderator I DON'T THINK SO! Sorry.

[punches Jack Black]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Debating Relationships and Personal Liberties

Sarah Marshall So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine]

Aldous Snow Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... Ultimately, that is... Oh, no! Not the shirt! Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

[spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice; notices the spill and laughs; laughing]

Sarah Marshall When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall Just please get some seltzer water.

[quietly and angrily]

Aldous Snow Um, garcon, could we get some...

[Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]

Matthew Van Der Wyk I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you.

[Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]

Peter Brenner Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

[in mock reaction to the dessert]

Rachel Jansen Oh, good!

[they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]

Peter Bretter I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen It's good, huh?

[laughs]

Sarah Marshall Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. I like living here.

[she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Muppets

Expression of Excitement and Apology

Gary Sorry. I was super excited.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sex Tape

Confrontation Leads to Unexpected Suggestions

Owner of YouPorn See this is the thing, you put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the Goddamn cops.

Jay Sir, I see where you are coming from.

Owner of YouPorn Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the Goddamn cops.

Bodyguard I was thinking the same shit!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Confrontation Over Heartbreak and Responsibility

Sarah Marshall What's wrong with you?

[As she is giving Peter oral sex, Peter feels guilty about Rachel]

Peter Bretter Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I just don't feel right.

Sarah Marshall Okay, okay! I didn't mean... well, you know what? Did you drink today? Because, sometimes when you drink...

Peter Bretter Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so, my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore, Okay?! EVER! Cause you know what I just realized, huh? You're the goddamn Devil! Oh, yeah, wedding in Hawaii. Real original!

[walks past a wedding service on the lawn]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

A Moment of Unexpected Connection

Peter Bretter I was just calling you. Um... wow.

[Rachel has just walked in on him naked in his changing room; he covers himself with his free hand; holds up his phone; after a moment, Rachel bursts out laughing]

Rachel Jansen Oh, Peter! ) I'm sorry.

[keeps laughing; Peter grins sheepishly; she keeps laughing]

Peter Bretter Stop laughing. Can, can you please stop laughing?

Rachel Jansen I missed you.

[walks towards him]

Peter Bretter Um, I just wanted to tell you, I've been thinking a lot about...

[Rachel cuts him off with a passionate kiss]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

I Love You, Man

The Power of Commitment Over Intention

Sydney Fife Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Unexpected Hotel Check-In Request

Rachel Jansen Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?

Peter Bretter I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances.

[smiles weakly]

Rachel Jansen Oh! Wow. Bold! We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.

[she looks through the registrar]

Peter Bretter Um, okay. How much is that?

Rachel Jansen $6,000 a night.

Peter Bretter Wow.

Rachel Jansen Beautiful views.

Peter Bretter I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ( hotel.

[he looks around; he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by]

Rachel Jansen Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. People are excited that she's here.

[laughs]

Peter Bretter She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.

Rachel Jansen Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

Peter Bretter Okay, like, this is fine, right?

Rachel Jansen Sir?

Peter Bretter It's totally fine. Okay, there she is. Did she see me?

[looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby]

Rachel Jansen Uh-huh.

Peter Bretter Is she coming over here?

Rachel Jansen Yup.

Peter Bretter I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.

Rachel Jansen Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? Button it back up.

[Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval]

Sarah Marshall Peter?

Peter Bretter Hey. Hi.

Sarah Marshall What are you doing here?

Peter Bretter I came here to murder you.

[chuckles hysterically]

Sarah Really, what are you doing here?

Peter Brenner I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...

Aldous Snow Hey there, little sex object! I've lost a shoe Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.

[enters the lobby; slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard; holds up a black flip-flop; to Rachel]

Rachel Jansen Uh-huh?

Aldous Snow Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...

Sarah Marshall Aldous, this is Peter.

Aldous Snow Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous. Good to meet you, man.

[shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him]

Sarah Marshall My ex-boyfriend.

Aldous Snow Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.

Peter Bretter I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.

Aldous Snow Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?

Peter Bretter I'm not, as a matter...

Rachel Jansen I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.

[to Peter]

Peter Bretter You were?

Rachel Jansen Yes, sir.

[smiles and nods]

Peter Bretter Marvelous!

Aldous Snow Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...

Sarah Marshall Aldous!

Peter Bretter No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.

Aldous Snow Alright, Peter.

Sarah Marshall Have a good trip, Pete.

Aldous Snow I like your shirt. It's colorful. Bye, ta-ta! I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?

[he and Sarah walk away; to Sarah]

Peter Bretter Bye, now. Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.

[to Rachel]

Rachel Jansen Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!

[hands him a key]

Peter Bretter Why are you doing this for me?

Rachel Jansen She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.

Peter Bretter Yeah, right?! Thank you.

Rachel Jansen Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!

Peter Bretter Rachel...

[tries to read her nametag]

Rachel Jansen Jansen.

Peter Bretter Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...

Rachel Jansen Go. Go enjoy yourself!

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Growing Apart in a Relationship

Sarah Marshall I feel... I've been feeling... that, for a long time, we've been growing apart. We're leading different lives.

Peter Bretter Who's the dude? Who's the dude?

[stands up]

Sarah Marshall What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no one else.

[stands up]

Peter Bretter I know what's happening here. I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But maybe if we just held each other or something, you would remember what it's like to be with me.

Sarah Marshall No.

Peter Bretter Please hold me. Please.

[Sarah hesitates; he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly]

Sarah Marshall There's someone else. I'm sorry.

[Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock; she walks out in tears]

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

A Cure for Emotional Pain

Kunu It looks like you got a little pain behind those eyes.

Peter Bretter Yeah, maybe a little.

Kunu There's really only one cure for that.

Peter Bretter Yeah, what's that?

Kunu Weed. You got any?

Peter Bretter No.

Kunu Oh. Well then let's go surfin'!

Sex Tape

Unexpected Duration of Intimacy

Robby Who has sex for three hours?

Jay We did!

Robby That's the length of the movie ]. You did the full Lincoln.

[[w:Lincoln (film)|Lincoln]

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Work Conflicts and Dinner Plans

Matthew Van Der Wyk Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?

[into the phone, deadpan; notices Peter approaching]

Peter Bretter Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?

Peter Bretter No.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Or, your girlfriend?

Peter Bretter No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.

Matthew Van Der Wyk You're just... by yourself?

Peter Bretter Yeah.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.

[leads him to his table]

Peter Bretter I'll be all right, thank you.

Matthew Van Der Wyk I just would be so depressed.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Misunderstanding During a Phone Call

Peter Bretter Hello?

[answering the phone after he has been sobbing on his balcony]

Rachel Jansen Peter?

Peter Bretter Sarah?

Rachel Jansen No, it's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.

Peter Bretter Hey.

[making an effort to control his voice]

Rachel Jansen Hey, what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?

Peter Bretter Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. I think it's coming from the floor above me.

[his voice begins to break again]

Rachel Jansen You're on the top floor.

Peter Bretter I'll try and keep it down.

[pause]

Rachel Jansen Are you okay?

Peter Bretter Yeah, you have a nice night.

Rachel Jansen Okay.

[she hangs up. Cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.]

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Unexpected Connections in a Comedy Setting

Peter Bretter Wow! You came... I- I can't believe that you came.

Rachel Jansen Peter, this is... this is great. It was really funny, yeah.

Peter Bretter Thank you. You know what? I didn't realize that it was a comedy and then, someone told me that, and it just, like opened the whole thing up! How long are you in town for?

[they laugh, then there is an awkward pause]

Rachel Jansen Open-ended.

Peter Bretter Oh! Wow. Bold.

Rachel Jansen Yeah, you know... I'm kinda checking out some schools.

[smiles]

Peter Bretter Congratulations.

[smiles]

Rachel Jansen Yeah, maybe. [pause You never called.

Peter Bretter You told me not to... and I listened. Wasn't easy...I might have called once and hung up, from a private number.

[pause; he and Rachel laugh]

Memorable Quotes from Jason Segel

find it. watch it.