Ted 2

Test Questions in a Legal Setting

Samantha Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?

Ted Yup, bring it on.

Samantha You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?

Ted Objection!

John Sustained!

Samantha No, the witness can't object.

John Overruled.

Ted Sidebar.

John Guilty!

Ted Speculation.

John Hearsay!

Ted Bailiff.

John Briefcase.

Ted Disregard.

John In my chambers.

Ted Stop beavering the witness.

John I rest.

Ted We could totally be lawyers.

John Bang.

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Ted 2

Civil Rights Attorney Mentioned in Conversation

Samantha You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

Ted Who's that?

Samantha He is the top civil rights attorney in America.

John Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?

Ted Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.

Samantha If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.

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The Fighter

Struggling for Support and Recognition

Micky Ward Why can't you just shut up and be happy for me? I spent the last ten years of my life in bad fights set up by you and Alice. I finally got a good thing going for me and you can't be fuckin happy for me? Why?

[to Dickie]

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Ted 2

The Meaning of "Fuck Me" Eyes

Ted Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

John No, she wasn't.

Ted She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes!

Samantha What are the "fuck me" eyes?

Ted Some women just have "fuck me" eyes.

Samantha Do I have "fuck me" eyes?

Ted No, you have "]" eyes.

[[w:Gollum|Give us the ring, my precious]

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Daddy's Home

Step-King's Frustration with the King

Brad Whitaker The step-king has had enough of the king's BULLSHIT!

Dusty Mayron Brad said a bad word.

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The Perfect Storm

Embracing Passion and Confidence at Sea

Bobby Shatford So, what are you so happy about?

Captain Billy Tyne You just caught me on a good night. I'm doing what I was made to do - and I've got a feeling I'm going to do it even better this time.

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Ted 2

A Playful Exchange About Names

Ted What's your middle name?

Samantha Leslie.

Ted Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John That's great! I mean, just like ].

[[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Sam(uel) L. Jackson]

Samantha Who is that?

Ted You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

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Shooter

Skepticism Towards Deceptive Narratives

Bob Lee Swagger Let's see what lies they're trying to sell us today.

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Max Payne

Desire for Reunion in Despair

Mona Sax You don't want to make it out alive. You think that if he puts you out of your misery, that you will be with them again?

Max Payne Yeah. I hope that's how it works.

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Four Brothers

A Toast to a Beloved Mother

Bobby Mercer Want to make a toast... to Evelyn Mercer... the greatest mother four degenerate bastards ever had.

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Instant Family

Protective Warning from a Father

Pete Wagner Hey, you ever touch, text, or think about our daughter ever again, and you're a dead man.

[after beating the adult janitor Jacob]

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Transformers: The Last Knight

Advice for a Daughter's Future

Izabella Your daughter, what would you say to her?

Cade Yeager Brush your teeth, work hard, stay away from any boy in a band. Especially a drummer.

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I ♥ Huckabees

Call for Unity in Crisis

Tommy Corn Why are you guys wasting all of your time fighting each other? I mean, come on, seriously. Put the egos aside for a second, guys, please. Deal with the issues, okay. We have a deadly petroleum situation, not to mention cystic f-- SHUT UP! SHUT! -- Cystic Fibrosis, civil war in Africa, toxic fish. You have children in your own community who are going to prison. Father Flavin doesn't have the money to help them! Ma'am, listen to me!

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Four Brothers

Confrontation Over Family Tragedy

Bobby Mercer Thank god?! You killed my mother, my little brother, motherfucker! Thank Victor Sweet!

[''Shoots the hoodlum in his head'']

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Shooter

Finding the Unfindable

Col. Johnson You're a hard man to find.

Bob Lee Swagger Not hard enough.

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Ted 2

Awkward Moments with Unusual Party Gifts

John Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.

Ted Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.

Samantha Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.

John Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.

Samantha Oh, you think this is big?

Ted Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.

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Ted 2

Marriage Therapy Experience Revealed as Disastrous

John I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?

Ted God, yeah, it was a friggin disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

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Transformers: Age of Extinction

Cade Yeager's Ambitious Invention Plans

Cade Yeager Oh, man. I am so gonna patent this shit.

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Ted 2

A Cautionary Mention of Beetlejuice

Ted Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.

John What do you mean?

Ted I mean saying his name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John Shut up! Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!

Ted No, John, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John You are messing with powers you do not understand, all right? Cut the shit!

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Four Brothers

Missed Mother's Funeral Again

Bobby Mercer You missed mother's funeral too, ].

[''To Angel''; [w:United States Marine Corps|jarhead]

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Four Brothers

Feeling Underestimated and Misunderstood

Bobby Mercer He thinks I'm an idiot... he thinks I don't know what the fuck is goin on.

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Daddy's Home 2

Thermostat Tension Among Family Members

Kurt Did you touch the thermostat, did you turn it up?

Don Well, of course not... did somebody fiddle with the thermostat?

Kurt Yes, it's 85°!

Don 85?

Kurt 85!

Don Do you have any idea how much even a few degrees can impact the gas bill?

Kurt Of course, I do, it's unthinkable!

Brad Dad, Kurt, what's going on in here? Why is it so hot?

[walks in]

Don Somebody fiddled with the thermostat!

Brad What? Who would do that?

Kurt What do you think you're doing?

[they hear a noise and look out in the hallway. Adrianna walks to the thermostat and starts to turn it up]

Brad It's roasting in here!

Adrianna I like to sleep with my window open.

[matter-of-factly]

Kurt Hey, kid, are you allowed to touch the thermostat at your mom's house?

Adrianna Pfft, duh!

Dusty What is going on?

[joins the others in the hallway]

Brad Adrianna, she turned up the thermostat!

Kurt Said she fiddles with the thermostat at your house any time she damn well pleases.

Don Dusty, is that true? Tell me that's not true! Oh, criminy, Dusty. You might as well give her your wallet and your 401k while you're at it!

[Dusty, speechless, just sighs]

Kurt Brad, do you let the kids touch the thermostat at your house?

Brad What, no! The thermostat is a sacred covenant! I can't believe we're even talking about this! This is *madness*!

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Shooter

The Efficiency of Controlled Movement

Bob Lee Swagger Slow is smooth, smooth is fast

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Daddy's Home

Dad-off Challenge Begins

Dusty Mayron It looks like we got our self's a dad-off, Brad.

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Ted 2

Humorous Exchange About Cannabis Strains

John That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism.

Ted Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?

Samantha No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home.

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The Italian Job

Confrontation Over a Family Death

Steve Bendel Who the hell are you?

Mashkov I am Mashkov. And you killed my cousin Yehven.

Charlie Croker Gotta have some insurance, Steve.

Steve Look, Yehven was already dead when I got there. I'm sorry about that, but he dealt with some pretty unsavory types. This guy's trying to play you.

Mashkov You were right... No imagination.

[to Charlie]

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Ted 2

Dating Perspectives and Unexpected Discoveries

John You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?

Samantha Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.

John Yeah. Stupid.

[chuckles]

Ted I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.

John Whoa, be careful with that.

Ted No, it's okay. It's not loaded-

Ted And my fuckin nose came off.

[offscreen]

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The Perfect Storm

Enduring Love Amidst Adversity

Bobby Shatford Christina? Christina, can you hear me? I don't know if you can, but I'm talking to ya, baby. Do you know how much I love you? I loved you the moment I saw you. I love you now, and I'll love you forever. No goodbye. There's only love, Christina. Only love.

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The Departed

Class and Identity in American Society

Dignam Tell me, what's a lace-curtain mofo like you doing in the staties?

Costigan Well, families are always rising or falling in America, am I right?

Queenan Who said that?

Costigan ].

[[Nathaniel Hawthorne|Hawthorne]

Dignam What's the matter, smart-ass, you don't know any fucking ]?

[[Shakespeare]

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Four Brothers

Making a Man Out of You

Bobby Mercer There you go!Shit,I gotta make a man outta you!

[''Talking to Jack while playing ice hockey'']

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Four Brothers

A Threat of Violence and Revenge

Bobby Mercer I'm gonna turn your ass into ] now!

[''Pouring petrol on Douglas's car''; [w:Gingerbread man|a black gingerbread man]

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Four Brothers

Irony of Fortune Amidst Tragedy

Bobby Mercer Good timing, Jerry... just when it seems when it's all lost for you, she got shot by some gangsters and now you hit the fucking lottery??

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Ted 2

The Burden of Expectations and Identity

Patrick Meighan Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... ].

[[Justin Bieber]

Ted Fuck you!

Samantha Ted!

Ted Sorry. Sorry.

Patrick Meighan There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.

John That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.

Patrick Meighan Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?

John Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a ] concert?

[[Foo Fighters]

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The Fighter

Micky Ward Asserts His Independence in Fighting

Micky Ward I'm the one fighting, okay? Not you, not you, and not you.

[pointing at each member of his family]

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The Departed

Welcome to the Special Investigation Unit

Queenan Congratulations on passing the detective's exam, and welcome to the Special Investigation Unit.

Dignam Whoop-da-fucking-do.

Queenan We won't be working together, that is, directly. You'll be working for Captain Ellerby, but I like to watch everybody.

Queenan You're a worker. You rise fast.

Staff Sergeant Dignam Like a 12-year-old's dick.

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Shooter

Caution Against Hesitation in Confrontation

Bob Lee Swagger That's a slow draw you got there. You sure you want to do that?

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Four Brothers

Listening Over Talking

Bobby Mercer No, no, no, no, no... ...this is not the talking part, okay? This is the listening part. So shut your mouth!

[''stuffs a shirt into a gangster's mouth'']

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The Italian Job

Innovative Traffic Control Heist Strategy

Lyle You want all greens? Cause, ah, cause you got em.

[chuckles]

Charlie Croker What have you got?

Lyle Welcome to LA's Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick-ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.

Croker You want to do a dry run?

Lyle I thought you'd never ask! See, red light. Green light.

[singsong; turns to his computer, showing a camera; presses button to turn all lights on an intersection green; Cars start moving from each direction, causing one vehicle to get T-boned by a car on each side]

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Daddy's Home

Treehouse Construction and Misunderstood Tools

Brad Whitaker You built all this today? With my tools?

Dusty Mayron Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse with a tampon, Brad.

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Planet of the Apes

Identity and Purpose in Unfamiliar Territory

Daena What tribe are you from?

Captain Leo Davidson United States Air Force, and I'm going back.

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The Departed

Understanding the Nature of Their Work

Queenan Do you know what we do here? in my section?

Billy Costigan Sir, yes, sir. I have an idea...

Dignam Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's say you have no idea and leave it at that, okay? No idea. Zip. None. If you had an idea of what we do, we would not be good at what we do, now would we? We would be cunts. Are you calling us cunts?

Queenan Staff Sergeant Dignam has a style of his own. I'm afraid we all have to get used to it.

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The Departed

Undercover Operations and Workplace Tensions

Ellerby Staff Sergeant Dignam is our liaison to the the undercover department, his undercover work is extensive. He's here to give us his report. Sergeant Dignam.

[during a conference briefing about Costello and his crew]

Dignam OK. My people are out there. They're like fuckin Indians. You're not gonna see em you're not gonna hear about em except from me or Captain Queenan. You will not ever know the identity of undercover people. Unfortunately, this shithole has more fuckin leaks than the Iraqi Navy.

Ellerby Fuck yourself.

Dignam I'm tired from fuckin your wife.

Ellerby How's your mother?

Dignam Good, she's tired from fuckin my father. Good. Today, girls, what I have for you is microprocessors. Somebody as you may already know stole 20 microprocessors from the Mass Processor Company out on Route 128. These are the kind of processors they put into computers that can put a cruise missile up the ass of a camel from a couple hundred miles away. Now get this, we get a guy working for the company two months; walks right out the front door with a box of processors on Tuesday, has a ticket booked for Florida on Wednesday, but on Thursday, he gets found in a dumpster. You know where that dirtball started his life? Southie projects.

Colin Sullivan What was his name? The departed?

Dignam Miles Kenefick. Got a job to forge U-Mass transcript. U-Mass Boston, which just happens to be-

Frank Lazio South Boston?

[interrupting]

Dignam Well, you're a fuckin genius, huh! Who forged your transcript, dickhead?

Colin Sullivan Hey this guy, his old man runs the Hibernian Liquor Mart. Kenefick's.

Ellerby We're not here to solve the case of the missing scumbag, we're here to nail Costello.

Dignam Alright look. We got a guy who says he hears Costello's moving the processors to China. We set up a whole fuckin job in Pop Kenefick. You do not want to miss it if Costello takes a dump.

Ellerby We'd miss a lot less if you made your informants available to us at the cost of the Bureau.

[Dignam scoffs]

Frank Lazio We're not asking for too many details. Do you have anyone in with Costello presently?

Dignam Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they're like mushrooms. Feed em shit and keep em in the dark. You girls have a good day.

Ellerby Normally he's a very, uh, nice guy.

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Four Brothers

Request for Assistance in Cleaning Shots

Bobby Mercer Ay, Sofi! Why don't you give me a favor cleanin some of those shot? Make yourself useful!

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The Fighter

Concern and Jealousy in Dangerous Times

Micky Ward You didn't give a fuck if I got killed by Mungin; now, all of a sudden, you're worried Sanchez is gonna hurt me? Why? I mean, come on, Dick. Cause you're stuck in here and can't be the center of attention no more?

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The Happening

Elliot Moore's Absurd Encounter with a Plant

Elliot Moore Hello, my name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay. Plastic. I'm talking to a plastic plant. I'm still doing it.

[to house plant; Elliot touches leaf]

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Ted 2

Unexpected Chaos During a Medical Emergency

John FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin it in! You gotta fuckin help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin mouth!

[to Ted]

Ted Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on ].

[[Facebook]

John NO!!!

Ted #GrrrMondays.

[types on his phone]

Nurse Oh, my God!

John Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!

Nurse Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

John Fuck!

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Four Brothers

Frustration with a Persistent Light Bulb

Bobby Mercer It's ten. Oh. Two. And the light is still on... Let's pop this motherfucker out.

[''Referring to the time'']

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The Other Guys

Embracing Freedom and Self-Expression

Detective Terry Hoitz I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!

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The Perfect Storm

Confrontation Over Performance and Expectations

Bobby Shatford Skip, what are we gonna do about those numbers? They suck.

Captain Billy Tyne The boys are talking? About how I lost it? Billy Tyne's lost it? Things get a little slow they're ready to draw and quarter you. I didn't think you would go along with them.

Bobby Shatford It's not that, Skip. I'm out here because I need the money.

Captain Billy Tyne You know, last trip I thought you had something to offer. But you know, you're just a punk.

Bobby Shatford Hey, you promised me a shitload of fish!

Captain Billy Tyne You'll get a shitload of fish. I've gone out before and motored back with so much stock little boys like you had to pack it on the pier. I always find the fish, always! And I will this time. So don't fuck with me!

Bobby Shatford Aye-aye, Skip.

[after a momentary pause]

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Instant Family

Unprepared for Unexpected Parenting Challenges

Pete Wagner That wasn't in the classes. I've got nothing for that.

[seeing Lita coated in ketchup and holding a SpongeBob SquarePants knife]

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Three Kings

Debate Over Night-Vision Goggles' Effectiveness

Troy Barlow Hey, would you take those fucking things off?

Walter I never got to use night-vision.

Barlow They do not work during the day!

Walter Yeah, they kinda work.

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Max Payne

Belief in Pain Over Heaven

Max Payne I don't believe in Heaven. I believe in Pain. I believe in Fear. I believe in Death.

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I ♥ Huckabees

Contemplating Life's Big Questions Amid Adversity

Tommy Corn How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?

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Three Kings

Acknowledging the Consequences of Conflict

Troy Barlow I heard a lot of bad shit happened in Kuwait.

Capt. Said Yes... bad shit happened... I'm not proud of that. Yes Saddam is very crazy, but then you are crazy for coming here.

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Four Brothers

Plan to use gas as a tactic

Bobby Mercer Yeah... we gonna do the gas thing.

[''In an annoying voice'']

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Three Kings

Betting on a Nonexistent Convertible

Troy Barlow I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color.

Chief Elgin I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible.

Barlow I'll bet you a Lexus they do.

Elgin Alright, but it won't be a convertible.

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The Fighter

Unexpected Entrance Compared to a Gorilla

Micky Ward What are you doing, running in here like a silverback fucking gorilla?

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Four Brothers

Bobby Mercer Calls for Help in Conflict

Bobby Mercer ....Nitro got Midnight in a headlock! Get him!

[''Jeremiah and Angel start fighting in the house'']

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Ted 2

Pop Culture References in Ted 2 Scene

John Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--

Ted Clubber Lang.

John FUCKING--

Samantha What's a Clubber Lang?

Ted What's a Clubber Lang"?

John ] character in ], hello?

[[Mr. T|Mr. T's; [Rocky III]

Samantha Is that the boxing movies?

Ted The boxing movies"?! You've never seen Rocky? You know, . You know, Rocky.

[vocalizes the Rocky theme song]

Samantha I'm not gonna think about a movie I've never seen just because you sing a song I've never heard.

John Jesus, you don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.

Samantha I have a college degree. My pop culture references are ], ] and ]. Ever heard of those guys?

[[Hamlet; [Achilles; [Dorian Gray]

Ted No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their asses.

John Yeah, Sam, you need to be educated.

Samantha Oh, really? Can either of you tell me who wrote ]?

[[The Great Gatsby]

John ]?

[[Judy Blume]

Ted ]?

[[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]

Samantha ].

[[F. Scott Fitzgerald]

John Who's that?

Samantha The author.

John Well, why are you saying fuck him?

Samantha What?

Ted You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John Yeah.

Samantha No, that's his first name.

Ted His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?

[confused]

Samantha What? No!

John Well, what does the "F" stand for?

Samantha Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)

Ted No, it's got to be "Fuck".

John It must be "Fuck".

Ted It's got to be "Fuck".

John It has to be "Fuck".

Samantha Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

John Well, cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck.

Samantha That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted Yeah, well, whatever. Ted ]. Get used to it.

[[w:Clubber Lang|Clubber Lang]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Discovery of an Unidentified Object

Cade Yeager Its a spaceship.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Shooter

A Man's Quest for Justice After Loss

Bob Lee Swagger I don't think you understand. These boys killed my dog.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Planet of the Apes

The Consequences of Unconventional Choices

Lieutenant General Karl Vasich Delta Pod, your flight is not authorized!

Captain Leo Davidson I'm going to get my chimp.

Lieutenant General Karl Vasich You bring that thing back here now! Return to base!

Capt. Leo Davidson Never send a monkey to do a man's job.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Four Brothers

Inefficiency in Planning and Communication

Bobby Mercer It doesn't count as a plan if it takes you longer to say it than it does to think it up, Jerry.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Request for an alien weapon

Cade Yeager Sweetie... hand me my alien gun.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Fighter

Determination Beyond the Couch

Micky Ward He did not just get off the fuckin couch. If he did, I'm gonna buy a couch like that.

[after seeing the size of his opponent]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Three Kings

Tent Confusion Among Soldiers

Archie Gates Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?

Chief Elgin No, sir.

Gates Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the nose and throat tent.

Troy Barlow Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.

Gates Captain of proctologists?

Conrad Vig What's a proctologist, sir?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Three Kings

Casual Banter Among Characters

Troy Barlow Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.

Conrad Vig Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a Dune Coon.

Chief Elgin Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?

Barlow He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.

Vig Don't tell people that.

Elgin I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear Dune Coon or Sand Nigger from him or anybody else.

Vig Captain uses those terms.

Barlow That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that Towel Head and Camel Jockey are perfectly good substitutes.

Elgin Exactly!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Three Kings

Questioning the Decision to Shoot

Troy Barlow Are we shooting?

Soldier What?

Barlow Are we shooting people or what?

Soldier Are we shooting?

Barlow That's what I'm asking you!

Soldier What's the answer?

Barlow I don't know the answer! That's what I'm trying to find out!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

I ♥ Huckabees

Confusion Over Topic in Conversation

Tommy Corn Honestly, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were talking about petroleum.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Other Guys

Disarming a Threat with Humor

Detective Terry Hoitz Captain, you really want to disarm this guy? Take out the batteries in the calculator.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ted 2

Unexpected Reaction to Superman's New Portrayal

Film Executive The new Superman is... ]!

[[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill]

John FUCK!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Shooter

The Challenge of Long-Distance Precision Shooting

Col. Johnson Your longest shots were never confirmed...

Bob Lee Swagger That's because long shots generally go places you wouldn't wanna have to go afterwards to have to confirm em. Confirmation's a desk pogue's problem. You know what it takes to make a shot at that range? Everything comes into play that far. Humidity elevation, temp, winds, spin-drift. There's a 6-10 second flight time so you have to shoot it where the targets going to be. Even the coriolis effect, the spin of the earth comes into play. The President will be wearing body armor, that means a head shot. You believe there's a shooter involved capable of making this shot?

Col. Johnson Yes.

Bob Lee Swagger Then you got a real problem. You need to find the shooter.

Ted 2

Misunderstandings About Romantic Intentions

Ted Are you fucking kidding me?

John What?

Ted What do you mean what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!

John I'm not into it.

Ted John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.

John Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.

Ted Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.

John What?

Ted It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

The Departed

Contrasting Backgrounds and Identity in Law Enforcement

Dignam Your fuckin family's dug into the Southie projects like ticks. Three-decker men at best. You, however, grew up on the North Shore, huh? Well, la-di-fuckin'-da. You were kind of a double kid, I bet, right? Huh? One kid with your old man, one kid with your mother. You're upper-middle class during the weeks, then you're droppin your "R"s and you're hangin in the big, bad Southie projects with your daddy, the fuckin donkey on the weekends. I got that right? Yup. You have different accents? You did, didn't you? You little fuckin snake. You were like different people.

[Costigan does not answer]

Billy Costigan You a psychiatrist?

Dignam Well, if I was I'd ask you why you're a Statie making 30 grand a year. And I think if I was Sigmund fuckin Freud I wouldn't get an answer. So tell me, what's a lace-curtain motherfucker like you doing in the Staties?

Billy Costigan Well, "Families are always rising and falling in America", am I right?

Queenan Who said that?

Billy Costigan ].

[[Nathaniel Hawthorne|Hawthorne]

Dignam Pfft! What's the matter, smart ass? Don't know any fuckin ]?

[[Shakespeare]

Queenan We have a question: Do you want to be a cop, or do you want to appear to be a cop? It's an honest question. A lot of guys just want to appear to be cops. Gun, badge, pretend they're on TV.

Dignam Yeah, a lot of people just wanna slam a nigger's head through a plate-glass window.

Billy Costigan I'm all set without your own personal job application. Alright, Sergeant?

Dignam What the fuck did you say to me, trainee?

Billy Costigan With all due respect, sir, what do you want from me?

[to Queenan]

Dignam Hey asshole, he can't help you! I know what you are, okay? I know what you are and I know what you are not. I'm the best friend you have on the face of this earth, and I'm gonna help you understand something, you punk. YOU'RE NO FUCKIN COP!

Queenan He's right. We deal in deception here. What we do not deal with is self-deception. Five years from now, you can be anything else in the world, but you will never be a Massachusetts State Trooper.

Billy Costigan You sure of that?

Queenan I'm sure.

Dignam Guaran-fucking-teed. You got a 1400 on your SATs, kid. You're an astronaut, not a Statie.

I ♥ Huckabees

Daily Excitement for the Ball Activity

Tommy Corn Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?

[after being hit in the face with a rubber ball]

Four Brothers

Bobby Mercer on Police and the Mercers

Bobby Mercer Police?! Cops love the Mercers, Jerry...

I ♥ Huckabees

Tommy Corn's Take on a Philosophical Figure

Tommy Corn Aaah, here he comes! The man poet who banged France's Dark Lady of Philosophy! The parking lot crusader of truth who turned his back on his Other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

The Departed

Confrontation Between Dignam and Surveillance Guy

Dignam This is incredible. Who put the fucking cameras in this place?

Surveillance Guy Who the fuck are you?

Dignam I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.

Max Payne

Belief in Angels Amid Uncertainty

Max Payne I don't know about Heaven, but I believe in angels.

Instant Family

Unexpected Bathroom Behavior Unveiled

Pete Wagner What is she doing?

Ellie Wagner God! She's taking naked selfies in the bathroom!

Pete Wagner She's taking naked selfies of herself?!

The Other Guys

Police Conduct and Professionalism

Detective Terry Hoitz Police, shithead!

[while showing badge]

Four Brothers

Family Tradition in Four Brothers

Bobby Mercer It's a Mercer family tradition.

Four Brothers

Bobby Mercer warns of police presence

Bobby Mercer the PO-POs are here.... ya'll better run, man these white cops are crazy.

[''In an annoying voice'']

Four Brothers

Confronting Unrequited Love and Betrayal

Bobby Mercer She's got a boyfriend, she's got hard dick in her right now. She screaming somebody else's name and the last thing she's doing is thinking about is your black ass.

[''Teasing Angel Mercer'']

Shooter

Conversation About the Congressional Medal of Honor

Col. Johnson You know what that is?

Bob Lee Swagger Congressional Medal of Honor. Don't hand those out easy. Yours?

Col. Johnson Yeah.

Shooter

Unlikely Encounter Between Two Familiar Faces

Bob Lee Swagger I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am.

Sarah Fenn I know who you are. You're Bob Lee Swagger. Donnie's old partner.

Bob Lee Swagger Look, I didn't shoot the President.

Sarah Fenn I know.

Bob Lee Swagger You do?

Sarah Fenn The President's not dead. The Ethiopian Archbishop is.

Bob Lee Swagger Why in the hell would somebody want to shoot him? Look, you're a nurse, right?

Sarah Fenn No. No, that was Donnie's dream. I couldn't stand the blood. I teach the third grade.

Bob Lee Swagger Please.

Sarah Fenn Look, you should go.

Bob Lee Swagger Please! Please? I didn't do whatever they said I did. I swear. I'm in some bad trouble and I need some help. I wouldn't have come all the way here to lie to you. You still figuring on shooting me? Only that shotgun's a little long to bring up fast. Look, if you're going to do it, just get it over with. I ain't got nowhere else to go.

Sarah Fenn Pull the truck in the garage. The neighbors'll be up in a minute. You'd best call me Sarah.

Bob Lee Swagger All right.

The Other Guys

Detective's Determination to Capture a Criminal

Detective Terry Hoitz And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Facing Judgment Day with Resilience

Cade Yeager Come on, you old wreck. Judgment Day.

Max Payne

Tension in a Confrontational Encounter

Mona Sax Drop it, shithead.

Max Payne Just take it easy.

Mona Sax Give me your backup piece with your left hand.

Max Payne That's it.

Mona Sax Kneel down.

Max Payne What?

Mona Sax Kneel the fuck down! We need to talk about my sister.

The Italian Job

The Value of Relationships Over Wealth

John Bridger Charlie, there are two kinds of thieves in this world: the ones who steal to enrich their lives, and the ones who steal to define their lives. Don't be the latter. Makes you miss out on what's really important in this life.

Charlie Croker What are you talking about, John? You've been a good father.

John Sending presents doesn't make you a good father. I spent half my kid's life in prison. Don't get to be my age with nothing but this, Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with and hold onto her forever. Okay?

Daddy's Home

Epic Fantasy Duel Between Kings

Dusty Mayron So the King raised his mighty sword and rained steel down upon the Step King.

Brad Whitaker But the Step King blocked it with his shield. And swung his cat o'nine tails into the King's smug face.

Dusty Mayron Which the King easily brushed aside like the feather of a gull. And then the King did counter with a barrage of slashes and thrusts so fast and precise the Step King had no way to party.

Megan, Dylan Yay!

Dusty Mayron But he did. He did. He parried all of them. Easily. It was no big deal.

Megan, Dylan Aww.

Brad Whitaker Then he grabbed the King's sword right out of his hand and smashed it over his knee.

Megan, Dylan Boo!

Dusty Mayron That's when the King pulled out a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!

Brad Whitaker Which is completely anachronistic. So if we're gonna be doing any time period, then the Step King just happened to be wearing Kevlar body armor.

Dusty Mayron Concussion grenade!

Brad Whitaker Hand grenade.

Dusty Mayron Rocket launcher.

Brad Whitaker Missile launcher.

Dusty Mayron Air strike.

Brad Whitaker Nuclear strike.

Dusty Mayron Black hole.

Brad Whitaker God.

Shooter

Tennessee: The Patron State of Shooting

Bob Lee Swagger Welcome to Tennessee; patron state of shootin stuff

Max Payne

Reflecting on Death and Isolation

Max Payne There's an army of bodies under this river, people who ran out of time, out of friends. I could feel the dead down there, reaching up to welcome me as one of their own. It was an easy mistake to make.

The Perfect Storm

Conflict Between Love and Passion

Bobby Shatford I got a woman who I can't stand to be two feet away from.

Captain Billy Tyne Congratulations.

Bobby Shatford Then again, I love to fish.

Captain Billy Tyne Son, you've got a problem.

Ted 2

Unexpected Laptop Discovery in Apartment

Ted Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

John Yeah, go ahead.

Ted Okay, thanks. WHAT THE FUCK?!

[slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock]

John Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!

Ted There's so much porn!

[views John's laptop]

John Well, what the hell are you doin lookin at my private shit?!

Ted What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John Well, I've been meanin to clear some of that out!

Ted Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?

John Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein the tongue go the other way!

Ted You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!

John Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!

[breaks down]

Ted There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

John Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!

Ted Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.

John All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin at that shit, please!

Ted Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin back in the game.

[closes John's laptop]

John Fine. I got it. Done.

Ted All right. Now let's get rid of this.

John What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.

Ted No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.

John All right, there, you happy?

Ted No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.

Ted Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.

Ted 2

Discontent with Chrysler's Performance

John Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

Instant Family

Thanksgiving and Family Togetherness at Christmas

Pete Wagner We want to thank the Lord for our first Christmas together. And we want to give thanks for this lovely meal and also this, um, bounty of super fun cardboard boxes. Amen.

All Amen.

Pete Wagner Okay. Tuck in, everybody.

Lita Wagner Where's my potato chips?

Pete Wagner We're not having chips tonight, munchkin. Sorry.

Lita Wagner I want my chips.

Ellie Wagner Lita! Lizzy, Pete and I worked really hard on this dinner. There's lots of yummy food for you to eat.

Lita Wagner No!

Ellie Wagner Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Lizzy, Lizzy, please! Lizzy, no, okay? I've got this.

[Lizzy tries to intervene in Spanish]

Lizzy Wagner Why are you yelling at me? I'm just trying to help you.

Ellie Wagner I'm not yelling at... I'm sor... I am. Just then I was. But it's... Look. Lita, don't do what Lizzy said. What did you say? Cuatro? "Go to your bedroom"?

Pete Wagner No, cuatro means "quart." Like quart of milk. She said, "You're not gonna have a potato chip, but you will drink that milk.

Ellie Wagner In any case, we have this. It's fine.

Lizzy Wagner Okay, fine.

Ellie Wagner Okay. Let's try some of this meat loaf, okay?

Lita Wagner NO!! I want my chips!

Ellie Wagner You're not having chips!

Pete Wagner I don't think she's getting on board with the plan, honey.

Lita Wagner I don't want this!

Ellie Wagner Hey!

Pete Wagner You sure you don't wanna just give her some chips?

Ellie Wagner No, we're not giving her chips! She's gonna eat...

[Lita suddenly lets out a piercing scream in a very loud manner]

I ♥ Huckabees

Existence and Identity in a Temporary World

Tommy Corn If this world is temporary, identity is an illusion, then everything is meaningless and it doesn't matter if you use petroleum, and that's got me very confused.

Mark Wahlberg Quotes

Memorable Quotes from Mark Wahlberg

find it. watch it.