Mark WahlbergQuotes

Kurt: Did you touch the thermostat, did you turn it up?

Don: Well, of course not... did somebody fiddle with the thermostat?

Kurt: Yes, it's 85°!

Don: 85?

Kurt: 85!

Don: Do you have any idea how much even a few degrees can impact the gas bill?

Kurt: Of course, I do, it's unthinkable!

Brad: [walks in] Dad, Kurt, what's going on in here? Why is it so hot?

Don: Somebody fiddled with the thermostat!

Brad: What? Who would do that?

Kurt: [they hear a noise and look out in the hallway. Adrianna walks to the thermostat and starts to turn it up] What do you think you're doing?

Brad: It's roasting in here!

Adrianna: [matter-of-factly] I like to sleep with my window open.

Kurt: Hey, kid, are you allowed to touch the thermostat at your mom's house?

Adrianna: Pfft, duh!

Dusty: [joins the others in the hallway] What is going on?

Brad: Adrianna, she turned up the thermostat!

Kurt: Said she fiddles with the thermostat at your house any time she damn well pleases.

Don: [Dusty, speechless, just sighs] Dusty, is that true? Tell me that's not true! Oh, criminy, Dusty. You might as well give her your wallet and your 401k while you're at it!

Kurt: Brad, do you let the kids touch the thermostat at your house?

Brad: What, no! The thermostat is a sacred covenant! I can't believe we're even talking about this! This is *madness*!

Tommy Corn: If this world is temporary, identity is an illusion, then everything is meaningless and it doesn't matter if you use petroleum, and that's got me very confused.

Tommy Corn: Why are you guys wasting all of your time fighting each other? I mean, come on, seriously. Put the egos aside for a second, guys, please. Deal with the issues, okay. We have a deadly petroleum situation, not to mention cystic f-- SHUT UP! SHUT! -- Cystic Fibrosis, civil war in Africa, toxic fish. You have children in your own community who are going to prison. Father Flavin doesn't have the money to help them! Ma'am, listen to me!

Tommy Corn: Aaah, here he comes! The man poet who banged France's Dark Lady of Philosophy! The parking lot crusader of truth who turned his back on his Other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

Tommy Corn: [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?

Tommy Corn: How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?

Tommy Corn: Honestly, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were talking about petroleum.

Bobby Shatford: So, what are you so happy about?

Captain Billy Tyne: You just caught me on a good night. I'm doing what I was made to do - and I've got a feeling I'm going to do it even better this time.

Bobby Shatford: I got a woman who I can't stand to be two feet away from.

Captain Billy Tyne: Congratulations.

Bobby Shatford: Then again, I love to fish.

Captain Billy Tyne: Son, you've got a problem.

Bobby Shatford: Skip, what are we gonna do about those numbers? They suck.

Captain Billy Tyne: The boys are talking? About how I lost it? Billy Tyne's lost it? Things get a little slow they're ready to draw and quarter you. I didn't think you would go along with them.

Bobby Shatford: It's not that, Skip. I'm out here because I need the money.

Captain Billy Tyne: You know, last trip I thought you had something to offer. But you know, you're just a punk.

Bobby Shatford: Hey, you promised me a shitload of fish!

Captain Billy Tyne: You'll get a shitload of fish. I've gone out before and motored back with so much stock little boys like you had to pack it on the pier. I always find the fish, always! And I will this time. So don't fuck with me!

Bobby Shatford: [after a momentary pause] Aye-aye, Skip.

Bobby Shatford: Christina? Christina, can you hear me? I don't know if you can, but I'm talking to ya, baby. Do you know how much I love you? I loved you the moment I saw you. I love you now, and I'll love you forever. No goodbye. There's only love, Christina. Only love.

Mona Sax: You don't want to make it out alive. You think that if he puts you out of your misery, that you will be with them again?

Max Payne: Yeah. I hope that's how it works.

Mona Sax: Drop it, shithead.

Max Payne: Just take it easy.

Mona Sax: Give me your backup piece with your left hand.

Max Payne: That's it.

Mona Sax: Kneel down.

Max Payne: What?

Mona Sax: Kneel the fuck down! We need to talk about my sister.

Max Payne: I don't believe in Heaven. I believe in Pain. I believe in Fear. I believe in Death.

Max Payne: I don't know about Heaven, but I believe in angels.

Max Payne: There's an army of bodies under this river, people who ran out of time, out of friends. I could feel the dead down there, reaching up to welcome me as one of their own. It was an easy mistake to make.

Brad Whitaker: You built all this today? With my tools?

Dusty Mayron: Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse with a tampon, Brad.

Brad Whitaker: The step-king has had enough of the king's BULLSHIT!

Dusty Mayron: Brad said a bad word.

Dusty Mayron: So the King raised his mighty sword and rained steel down upon the Step King.

Brad Whitaker: But the Step King blocked it with his shield. And swung his cat o'nine tails into the King's smug face.

Dusty Mayron: Which the King easily brushed aside like the feather of a gull. And then the King did counter with a barrage of slashes and thrusts so fast and precise the Step King had no way to party.

Megan, Dylan: Yay!

Dusty Mayron: But he did. He did. He parried all of them. Easily. It was no big deal.

Megan, Dylan: Aww.

Brad Whitaker: Then he grabbed the King's sword right out of his hand and smashed it over his knee.

Megan, Dylan: Boo!

Dusty Mayron: That's when the King pulled out a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!

Brad Whitaker: Which is completely anachronistic. So if we're gonna be doing any time period, then the Step King just happened to be wearing Kevlar body armor.

Dusty Mayron: Concussion grenade!

Brad Whitaker: Hand grenade.

Dusty Mayron: Rocket launcher.

Brad Whitaker: Missile launcher.

Dusty Mayron: Air strike.

Brad Whitaker: Nuclear strike.

Dusty Mayron: Black hole.

Brad Whitaker: God.

Dusty Mayron: It looks like we got our self's a dad-off, Brad.

Daena: What tribe are you from?

Captain Leo Davidson: United States Air Force, and I'm going back.

Lieutenant General Karl Vasich: Delta Pod, your flight is not authorized!

Captain Leo Davidson: I'm going to get my chimp.

Lieutenant General Karl Vasich: You bring that thing back here now! Return to base!

Capt. Leo Davidson: Never send a monkey to do a man's job.

Troy Barlow: I heard a lot of bad shit happened in Kuwait.

Capt. Said: Yes... bad shit happened... I'm not proud of that. Yes Saddam is very crazy, but then you are crazy for coming here.

Troy Barlow: Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.

Conrad Vig: Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a Dune Coon.

Chief Elgin: Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?

Barlow: He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.

Vig: Don't tell people that.

Elgin: I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear Dune Coon or Sand Nigger from him or anybody else.

Vig: Captain uses those terms.

Barlow: That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that Towel Head and Camel Jockey are perfectly good substitutes.

Elgin: Exactly!

Troy Barlow: I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color.

Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible.

Barlow: I'll bet you a Lexus they do.

Elgin: Alright, but it won't be a convertible.

Troy Barlow: Hey, would you take those fucking things off?

Walter: I never got to use night-vision.

Barlow: They do not work during the day!

Walter: Yeah, they kinda work.

Archie Gates: Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?

Chief Elgin: No, sir.

Gates: Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the nose and throat tent.

Troy Barlow: Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.

Gates: Captain of proctologists?

Conrad Vig: What's a proctologist, sir?

Troy Barlow: Are we shooting?

Soldier: What?

Barlow: Are we shooting people or what?

Soldier: Are we shooting?

Barlow: That's what I'm asking you!

Soldier: What's the answer?

Barlow: I don't know the answer! That's what I'm trying to find out!

Bobby Mercer: Police?! Cops love the Mercers, Jerry...

Bobby Mercer: It doesn't count as a plan if it takes you longer to say it than it does to think it up, Jerry.

Bobby Mercer: [''Shoots the hoodlum in his head''] Thank god?! You killed my mother, my little brother, motherfucker! Thank Victor Sweet!

Bobby Mercer: Good timing, Jerry... just when it seems when it's all lost for you, she got shot by some gangsters and now you hit the fucking lottery??

Bobby Mercer: He thinks I'm an idiot... he thinks I don't know what the fuck is goin on.

Bobby Mercer: [''Pouring petrol on Douglas's car''; [w:Gingerbread man|a black gingerbread man] I'm gonna turn your ass into ] now!

Bobby Mercer: Ay, Sofi! Why don't you give me a favor cleanin some of those shot? Make yourself useful!

Bobby Mercer: It's a Mercer family tradition.

Bobby Mercer: [''Referring to the time''] It's ten. Oh. Two. And the light is still on... Let's pop this motherfucker out.

Bobby Mercer: [''stuffs a shirt into a gangster's mouth''] No, no, no, no, no... ...this is not the talking part, okay? This is the listening part. So shut your mouth!

Bobby Mercer: [''In an annoying voice''] the PO-POs are here.... ya'll better run, man these white cops are crazy.

Bobby Mercer: [''In an annoying voice''] Yeah... we gonna do the gas thing.

Bobby Mercer: Want to make a toast... to Evelyn Mercer... the greatest mother four degenerate bastards ever had.

Bobby Mercer: [''Talking to Jack while playing ice hockey''] There you go!Shit,I gotta make a man outta you!

Bobby Mercer: [''Jeremiah and Angel start fighting in the house''] ....Nitro got Midnight in a headlock! Get him!

Bobby Mercer: [''To Angel''; [w:United States Marine Corps|jarhead] You missed mother's funeral too, ].

Bobby Mercer: [''Teasing Angel Mercer''] She's got a boyfriend, she's got hard dick in her right now. She screaming somebody else's name and the last thing she's doing is thinking about is your black ass.

Elliot Moore: [to house plant; Elliot touches leaf] Hello, my name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay. Plastic. I'm talking to a plastic plant. I'm still doing it.

Detective Terry Hoitz: [while showing badge] Police, shithead!

Detective Terry Hoitz: And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!

Detective Terry Hoitz: I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!

Detective Terry Hoitz: Captain, you really want to disarm this guy? Take out the batteries in the calculator.

Micky Ward: [pointing at each member of his family] I'm the one fighting, okay? Not you, not you, and not you.

Micky Ward: [to Dickie] Why can't you just shut up and be happy for me? I spent the last ten years of my life in bad fights set up by you and Alice. I finally got a good thing going for me and you can't be fuckin happy for me? Why?

Micky Ward: What are you doing, running in here like a silverback fucking gorilla?

Micky Ward: You didn't give a fuck if I got killed by Mungin; now, all of a sudden, you're worried Sanchez is gonna hurt me? Why? I mean, come on, Dick. Cause you're stuck in here and can't be the center of attention no more?

Micky Ward: [after seeing the size of his opponent] He did not just get off the fuckin couch. If he did, I'm gonna buy a couch like that.

Pete Wagner: What is she doing?

Ellie Wagner: God! She's taking naked selfies in the bathroom!

Pete Wagner: She's taking naked selfies of herself?!

Pete Wagner: We want to thank the Lord for our first Christmas together. And we want to give thanks for this lovely meal and also this, um, bounty of super fun cardboard boxes. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pete Wagner: Okay. Tuck in, everybody.

Lita Wagner: Where's my potato chips?

Pete Wagner: We're not having chips tonight, munchkin. Sorry.

Lita Wagner: I want my chips.

Ellie Wagner: Lita! Lizzy, Pete and I worked really hard on this dinner. There's lots of yummy food for you to eat.

Lita Wagner: No!

Ellie Wagner: [Lizzy tries to intervene in Spanish] Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Lizzy, Lizzy, please! Lizzy, no, okay? I've got this.

Lizzy Wagner: Why are you yelling at me? I'm just trying to help you.

Ellie Wagner: I'm not yelling at... I'm sor... I am. Just then I was. But it's... Look. Lita, don't do what Lizzy said. What did you say? Cuatro? "Go to your bedroom"?

Pete Wagner: No, cuatro means "quart." Like quart of milk. She said, "You're not gonna have a potato chip, but you will drink that milk.

Ellie Wagner: In any case, we have this. It's fine.

Lizzy Wagner: Okay, fine.

Ellie Wagner: Okay. Let's try some of this meat loaf, okay?

Lita Wagner: NO!! I want my chips!

Ellie Wagner: You're not having chips!

Pete Wagner: I don't think she's getting on board with the plan, honey.

Lita Wagner: I don't want this!

Ellie Wagner: Hey!

Pete Wagner: You sure you don't wanna just give her some chips?

Ellie Wagner: [Lita suddenly lets out a piercing scream in a very loud manner] No, we're not giving her chips! She's gonna eat...

Pete Wagner: [after beating the adult janitor Jacob] Hey, you ever touch, text, or think about our daughter ever again, and you're a dead man.

Pete Wagner: [seeing Lita coated in ketchup and holding a SpongeBob SquarePants knife] That wasn't in the classes. I've got nothing for that.

Izabella: Your daughter, what would you say to her?

Cade Yeager: Brush your teeth, work hard, stay away from any boy in a band. Especially a drummer.

Cade Yeager: Sweetie... hand me my alien gun.

Cade Yeager: Its a spaceship.

Cade Yeager: Oh, man. I am so gonna patent this shit.

Cade Yeager: Come on, you old wreck. Judgment Day.

Film Executive: [[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill] The new Superman is... ]!

John: FUCK!

Patrick Meighan: [[Justin Bieber] Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... ].

Ted: Fuck you!

Samantha: Ted!

Ted: Sorry. Sorry.

Patrick Meighan: There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.

John: That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.

Patrick Meighan: Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?

John: [[Foo Fighters] Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a ] concert?

John: You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?

Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.

John: [chuckles] Yeah. Stupid.

Ted: I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.

John: Whoa, be careful with that.

Ted: No, it's okay. It's not loaded-

Ted: [offscreen] And my fuckin nose came off.

John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.

Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.

Samantha: Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.

John: Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.

Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?

Ted: Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.

Ted: Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

John: No, she wasn't.

Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes!

Samantha: What are the "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: Some women just have "fuck me" eyes.

Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: [[w:Gollum|Give us the ring, my precious] No, you have "]" eyes.

Samantha: You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

Ted: Who's that?

Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America.

John: Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?

Ted: Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.

Samantha: If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.

Ted: Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.

John: What do you mean?

Ted: I mean saying his name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John: Shut up! Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!

Ted: No, John, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John: You are messing with powers you do not understand, all right? Cut the shit!

John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--

Ted: Clubber Lang.

John: FUCKING--

Samantha: What's a Clubber Lang?

Ted: What's a Clubber Lang"?

John: [[Mr. T|Mr. T's; [Rocky III] ] character in ], hello?

Samantha: Is that the boxing movies?

Ted: [vocalizes the Rocky theme song] The boxing movies"?! You've never seen Rocky? You know, . You know, Rocky.

Samantha: I'm not gonna think about a movie I've never seen just because you sing a song I've never heard.

John: Jesus, you don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.

Samantha: [[Hamlet; [Achilles; [Dorian Gray] I have a college degree. My pop culture references are ], ] and ]. Ever heard of those guys?

Ted: No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their asses.

John: Yeah, Sam, you need to be educated.

Samantha: [[The Great Gatsby] Oh, really? Can either of you tell me who wrote ]?

John: [[Judy Blume] ]?

Ted: [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler] ]?

Samantha: [[F. Scott Fitzgerald] ].

John: Who's that?

Samantha: The author.

John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?

Samantha: What?

Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John: Yeah.

Samantha: No, that's his first name.

Ted: [confused] His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?

Samantha: What? No!

John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?

Samantha: Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)

Ted: No, it's got to be "Fuck".

John: It must be "Fuck".

Ted: It's got to be "Fuck".

John: It has to be "Fuck".

Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

John: Well, cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck.

Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted: [[w:Clubber Lang|Clubber Lang] Yeah, well, whatever. Ted ]. Get used to it.

Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?

Ted: Yup, bring it on.

Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?

Ted: Objection!

John: Sustained!

Samantha: No, the witness can't object.

John: Overruled.

Ted: Sidebar.

John: Guilty!

Ted: Speculation.

John: Hearsay!

Ted: Bailiff.

John: Briefcase.

Ted: Disregard.

John: In my chambers.

Ted: Stop beavering the witness.

John: I rest.

Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

John: Bang.

John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism.

Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?

Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home.

Ted: What's your middle name?

Samantha: Leslie.

Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John: [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Sam(uel) L. Jackson] That's great! I mean, just like ].

Samantha: Who is that?

Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

John: [to Ted] FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin it in! You gotta fuckin help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin mouth!

Ted: [[Facebook] Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on ].

John: NO!!!

Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrrMondays.

Nurse: Oh, my God!

John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!

Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

John: Fuck!

Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

John: Yeah, go ahead.

Ted: [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] Okay, thanks. WHAT THE FUCK?!

John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!

Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!

John: Well, what the hell are you doin lookin at my private shit?!

Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John: Well, I've been meanin to clear some of that out!

Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?

John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein the tongue go the other way!

Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!

John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!

Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!

Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.

John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin at that shit, please!

Ted: [closes John's laptop] Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin back in the game.

John: Fine. I got it. Done.

Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.

John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.

Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.

John: All right, there, you happy?

Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.

Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.

Ted: Are you fucking kidding me?

John: What?

Ted: What do you mean what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!

John: I'm not into it.

Ted: John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.

John: Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.

Ted: Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.

John: What?

Ted: It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

John: I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?

Ted: God, yeah, it was a friggin disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

John: Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

Dignam: This is incredible. Who put the fucking cameras in this place?

Surveillance Guy: Who the fuck are you?

Dignam: I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.

Dignam: [Costigan does not answer] Your fuckin family's dug into the Southie projects like ticks. Three-decker men at best. You, however, grew up on the North Shore, huh? Well, la-di-fuckin'-da. You were kind of a double kid, I bet, right? Huh? One kid with your old man, one kid with your mother. You're upper-middle class during the weeks, then you're droppin your "R"s and you're hangin in the big, bad Southie projects with your daddy, the fuckin donkey on the weekends. I got that right? Yup. You have different accents? You did, didn't you? You little fuckin snake. You were like different people.

Billy Costigan: You a psychiatrist?

Dignam: Well, if I was I'd ask you why you're a Statie making 30 grand a year. And I think if I was Sigmund fuckin Freud I wouldn't get an answer. So tell me, what's a lace-curtain motherfucker like you doing in the Staties?

Billy Costigan: Well, "Families are always rising and falling in America", am I right?

Queenan: Who said that?

Billy Costigan: [[Nathaniel Hawthorne|Hawthorne] ].

Dignam: [[Shakespeare] Pfft! What's the matter, smart ass? Don't know any fuckin ]?

Queenan: We have a question: Do you want to be a cop, or do you want to appear to be a cop? It's an honest question. A lot of guys just want to appear to be cops. Gun, badge, pretend they're on TV.

Dignam: Yeah, a lot of people just wanna slam a nigger's head through a plate-glass window.

Billy Costigan: I'm all set without your own personal job application. Alright, Sergeant?

Dignam: What the fuck did you say to me, trainee?

Billy Costigan: [to Queenan] With all due respect, sir, what do you want from me?

Dignam: Hey asshole, he can't help you! I know what you are, okay? I know what you are and I know what you are not. I'm the best friend you have on the face of this earth, and I'm gonna help you understand something, you punk. YOU'RE NO FUCKIN COP!

Queenan: He's right. We deal in deception here. What we do not deal with is self-deception. Five years from now, you can be anything else in the world, but you will never be a Massachusetts State Trooper.

Billy Costigan: You sure of that?

Queenan: I'm sure.

Dignam: Guaran-fucking-teed. You got a 1400 on your SATs, kid. You're an astronaut, not a Statie.

Dignam: Tell me, what's a lace-curtain mofo like you doing in the staties?

Costigan: Well, families are always rising or falling in America, am I right?

Queenan: Who said that?

Costigan: [[Nathaniel Hawthorne|Hawthorne] ].

Dignam: [[Shakespeare] What's the matter, smart-ass, you don't know any fucking ]?

Queenan: Do you know what we do here? in my section?

Billy Costigan: Sir, yes, sir. I have an idea...

Dignam: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's say you have no idea and leave it at that, okay? No idea. Zip. None. If you had an idea of what we do, we would not be good at what we do, now would we? We would be cunts. Are you calling us cunts?

Queenan: Staff Sergeant Dignam has a style of his own. I'm afraid we all have to get used to it.

Queenan: Congratulations on passing the detective's exam, and welcome to the Special Investigation Unit.

Dignam: Whoop-da-fucking-do.

Queenan: We won't be working together, that is, directly. You'll be working for Captain Ellerby, but I like to watch everybody.

Queenan: You're a worker. You rise fast.

Staff Sergeant Dignam: Like a 12-year-old's dick.

Ellerby: [during a conference briefing about Costello and his crew] Staff Sergeant Dignam is our liaison to the the undercover department, his undercover work is extensive. He's here to give us his report. Sergeant Dignam.

Dignam: OK. My people are out there. They're like fuckin Indians. You're not gonna see em you're not gonna hear about em except from me or Captain Queenan. You will not ever know the identity of undercover people. Unfortunately, this shithole has more fuckin leaks than the Iraqi Navy.

Ellerby: Fuck yourself.

Dignam: I'm tired from fuckin your wife.

Ellerby: How's your mother?

Dignam: Good, she's tired from fuckin my father. Good. Today, girls, what I have for you is microprocessors. Somebody as you may already know stole 20 microprocessors from the Mass Processor Company out on Route 128. These are the kind of processors they put into computers that can put a cruise missile up the ass of a camel from a couple hundred miles away. Now get this, we get a guy working for the company two months; walks right out the front door with a box of processors on Tuesday, has a ticket booked for Florida on Wednesday, but on Thursday, he gets found in a dumpster. You know where that dirtball started his life? Southie projects.

Colin Sullivan: What was his name? The departed?

Dignam: Miles Kenefick. Got a job to forge U-Mass transcript. U-Mass Boston, which just happens to be-

Frank Lazio: [interrupting] South Boston?

Dignam: Well, you're a fuckin genius, huh! Who forged your transcript, dickhead?

Colin Sullivan: Hey this guy, his old man runs the Hibernian Liquor Mart. Kenefick's.

Ellerby: We're not here to solve the case of the missing scumbag, we're here to nail Costello.

Dignam: Alright look. We got a guy who says he hears Costello's moving the processors to China. We set up a whole fuckin job in Pop Kenefick. You do not want to miss it if Costello takes a dump.

Ellerby: [Dignam scoffs] We'd miss a lot less if you made your informants available to us at the cost of the Bureau.

Frank Lazio: We're not asking for too many details. Do you have anyone in with Costello presently?

Dignam: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they're like mushrooms. Feed em shit and keep em in the dark. You girls have a good day.

Ellerby: Normally he's a very, uh, nice guy.

Bob Lee Swagger: I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am.

Sarah Fenn: I know who you are. You're Bob Lee Swagger. Donnie's old partner.

Bob Lee Swagger: Look, I didn't shoot the President.

Sarah Fenn: I know.

Bob Lee Swagger: You do?

Sarah Fenn: The President's not dead. The Ethiopian Archbishop is.

Bob Lee Swagger: Why in the hell would somebody want to shoot him? Look, you're a nurse, right?

Sarah Fenn: No. No, that was Donnie's dream. I couldn't stand the blood. I teach the third grade.

Bob Lee Swagger: Please.

Sarah Fenn: Look, you should go.

Bob Lee Swagger: Please! Please? I didn't do whatever they said I did. I swear. I'm in some bad trouble and I need some help. I wouldn't have come all the way here to lie to you. You still figuring on shooting me? Only that shotgun's a little long to bring up fast. Look, if you're going to do it, just get it over with. I ain't got nowhere else to go.

Sarah Fenn: Pull the truck in the garage. The neighbors'll be up in a minute. You'd best call me Sarah.

Bob Lee Swagger: All right.

Col. Johnson: Your longest shots were never confirmed...

Bob Lee Swagger: That's because long shots generally go places you wouldn't wanna have to go afterwards to have to confirm em. Confirmation's a desk pogue's problem. You know what it takes to make a shot at that range? Everything comes into play that far. Humidity elevation, temp, winds, spin-drift. There's a 6-10 second flight time so you have to shoot it where the targets going to be. Even the coriolis effect, the spin of the earth comes into play. The President will be wearing body armor, that means a head shot. You believe there's a shooter involved capable of making this shot?

Col. Johnson: Yes.

Bob Lee Swagger: Then you got a real problem. You need to find the shooter.

Col. Johnson: You know what that is?

Bob Lee Swagger: Congressional Medal of Honor. Don't hand those out easy. Yours?

Col. Johnson: Yeah.

Col. Johnson: You're a hard man to find.

Bob Lee Swagger: Not hard enough.

Bob Lee Swagger: Slow is smooth, smooth is fast

Bob Lee Swagger: Welcome to Tennessee; patron state of shootin stuff

Bob Lee Swagger: I don't think you understand. These boys killed my dog.

Bob Lee Swagger: That's a slow draw you got there. You sure you want to do that?

Bob Lee Swagger: Let's see what lies they're trying to sell us today.

Steve Bendel: Who the hell are you?

Mashkov: I am Mashkov. And you killed my cousin Yehven.

Charlie Croker: Gotta have some insurance, Steve.

Steve: Look, Yehven was already dead when I got there. I'm sorry about that, but he dealt with some pretty unsavory types. This guy's trying to play you.

Mashkov: [to Charlie] You were right... No imagination.

Lyle: [chuckles] You want all greens? Cause, ah, cause you got em.

Charlie Croker: What have you got?

Lyle: Welcome to LA's Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick-ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.

Croker: You want to do a dry run?

Lyle: [singsong; turns to his computer, showing a camera; presses button to turn all lights on an intersection green; Cars start moving from each direction, causing one vehicle to get T-boned by a car on each side] I thought you'd never ask! See, red light. Green light.

John Bridger: Charlie, there are two kinds of thieves in this world: the ones who steal to enrich their lives, and the ones who steal to define their lives. Don't be the latter. Makes you miss out on what's really important in this life.

Charlie Croker: What are you talking about, John? You've been a good father.

John: Sending presents doesn't make you a good father. I spent half my kid's life in prison. Don't get to be my age with nothing but this, Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with and hold onto her forever. Okay?