Rob SchneiderQuotes

Woodrow Tyler: She's got crap on her boots!

Marvin Mange: Freeze Puke. Put down that VCR. Put it down. Oh you bought it did you?... Oh you have a receipt do you?... My mistake... I'm new on the force.

Marvin Mange: Now that's some good badger milk.

Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

Nelson: His son just did that to me last week!

Mel: Now, Richie, do you have any kids?

Richie: Never had a date.

Mel: Clark?

Clark: Never spoke to a girl.

Mel: [Pauses a bit, realizing that what Clark said was weird] Gu... Gus?

Gus: Uh, my wife and I are kind of working on it.

Clark: Gus!

Richie: Gus!

Clark: He can't hear us.

Richie: [Falls on the ground] Ohh! Ah...

Gus: [Finally hearing them; Walks over to them] Hey fellas. You okay, Richie?

Richie: [Standing up] Yeah, I'm fine, just... purple nuts.

Beautiful Woman in Painting: Maybe YOU can help me.

Deuce Bigalow: Really?

Beautiful Woman in Painting: I don't want a man who's chiseled and sculpted. I like soft and weak.

Deuce Bigalow: You do?

Beautiful Woman in Painting: I want a man who's unemployed. And went to a community college.

Deuce Bigalow: I am...and I did.

Beautiful Woman in Painting: And you know what really turns me on?

Deuce Bigalow: What?

Beautiful Woman in Painting: Is thinking about him in his tighty-whiteys...sitting at his computer...and visiting different porn sites...and taking the free tour...with no intention of ever joining.

Deuce Bigalow: I don't have a credit card!

Beautiful Woman in Painting: Kiss my chest.

Deuce Bigalow: Okay!

Asian Minister: Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle.

Coach Red Beaulieu: [crowd gasps; shows official letter] I got somethin for you. This is his transcript from South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. Now, the problem with that is there ain't no South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. So obviously, this is a fake! However, this is not a fake. This is from the NCAA. They don't think you ought to play football no more. So allow me to say this to you one more time: You're fired.

Townie: Oh, no! We suck again!

J.D.: I think my dick just gasped.

J.D.: This is starting to resemble gay porn.

Bianca: Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends?

Jessica: You look good too Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more?

Monique: Barfing more.

Teacher: Now, I'm returning your papers on the Salem Witch Trials. I'm sad to report that Eden here got the only "A".

Jessica: That's not fair. She's the only one who was actually there.

Eden: Hexum maleficium spiritum sanctum nostradamus!

Keanu Mokokokakoa: Hey, Dad.

Ula: Not now, Keanu Mokokokakoa.

Keanu Mokokokakoa: But your stitches are bleeding.

Ula: [demonstrates a back swing with his club] It musta been my huge back swing. Honah Lee, you think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?

Henry: Yeah, I'm lookin’ forward to it.

Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.

Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.

Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?

Ula: A shark bit me.

Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!

Keanu Mokokokakoa: What's wrong with that turtle?

Henry: He has lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right, Ula?

Ula: Wha? I don't smoke weed!

Ula: Oh, you crazy bitch!

Lucy: Yeah, KEEP RUNNING!

Ula: [falls through the deck of Henry's boat up to his chest; pause] I think I pulled out my stitches again, Cuz. You got a cat? Cause I feel somethin lickin me.

Ula: Get your brother out of the dishwasher!

Ula: [Pretending to be Lucy for the video] Aquariums make me super horny.

Ula: [after Henry woke up dazed and confused] Your golf ball hit the cart, bounced back and hit ya in the head. It was freakin hilarious.

Ula: Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts.

Ula: My shirt size is medium husky.

Ula: [to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!

Cedric: [hands it to Buzz; holds out his hand for a tip] Mr. McCallister's room service bill, sir. Merry Christmas, sir.

Buzz: [hands over the gum he has been chewing] Oh, uh, hmm.

Cedric: [deadpan, to himself] Nice family, really.

Buzz: [to himself, reading bill, smirking; in sing-song voice; Outside, Kevin is with the Pigeon Lady in Central Park] Merry Christmas, indeed. Oh, Daa-aad!

Peter: [off-screen; furiously screaming from the hotel; Kevin, startled, gasps and runs off] KEVIN!!! YOU SPENT NINE HUNDRED SIXTY-SEVEN DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE?!

Kevin: You gotta help me! There's two guys after me!

Mr. Hector: What's the matter? Store wouldn't take your... stolen credit card? Let's see what the police have to say about this.

Harry: Get up! Get up! Come on, let's go get him!

Mr. Hector: Get back here, you little thief! Stop that child!

Cedric: [he screams as he and Mr. Hector crash into Mrs. Stone and fall over] Grab him!

Mr. Hector: You little sh...

Kevin: I've committed credit card fraud.

Mr. Hector: Get me security! We've got to stop that delinquent! Come along, Cedric!

Kevin: I've had enough of this vacation. I'm goin home.

Johnny: Hold it right there!

Mr. Hector: This is the Concierge, sir.

Johnny: I knew it was you. I could smell ya gettin off the elevator! You was here last night too, wasn't ya?

Mr. Hector: Yes, sir. I was.

Johnny: You was here...and you was smoochin wit my brother.

Mr. Hector: But...I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir.

Johnny: Don't gimme that. You been smoochin wit everybody! Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Bony Bob, Cliff...

Cliff: No. It's a lie!

Johnny: I could go on forever, baby!

Mr. Hector: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're mistaken. We're looking for a young man.

Johnny: [reveals his [[w:Thompson submachine gun|Tommy gun; Mr. Hector gives a confused look] Alright. I believe ya. . But my Tommy gun don't! Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.

Mr. Hector: [the entire staff gets down on their knees] On your knees. I love you!

Johnny: Ya gotta do better than that!

Staff: [in unison] I love you!

Johnny: [Johnny opens fire wildly, cackling, as the hotel staff dive for cover; while Kevin mouths him from the emergency exit; shoots again; shoots once more] Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe ya. That's why I'm gonna let ya go. I'm gonna give ya til the count of 3 to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four-flushing carcass out my door! 1... 2...! 3! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal! And a Happy New Year.

Mr. Hector: We'd like to offer you a complimentary suite while you're here. It's a penthouse with a view of the park. I think you'll find it satisfactory. It was recently vacated by the Countess of Worcestershire.

Kate: What kind of hotel allows a child to check in alone?

Mrs. Stone: The boy had a very convincing story.

Kate: What kind of idiots do you have working here?!

Mrs. Stone: The finest in New York.

Peter: Well, I mean, when you discovered that the credit card was stolen, what...

Mr. Hector: [proudly] I made the discovery.

Kate: Why did you let him leave?

Mr. Hector: When we attempted to confront him, he ran.

Peter: You scared him away!

Kate: It's Christmas Eve, and because of you, our child is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world.

Peter: [to Cedric] Could you take our family and our luggage up to the room, please?

Cedric: Yes, sir!

Mr. Hector: Run along, Cedric.

Peter: [to Kate] I'm gonnna go down to the police station. I'm gonna make sure that they're doing everything in their power to find Kevin. I want you to stay here with Frank, Leslie and the kids.

Kate: No! I'm going out to look for him.

Peter: What?

Mr. Hector: With all due respect, madam, your son is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world.

Peter: [to Mr. Hector] Could you stay out of this, please?

Mr. Hector: As you wish.

Peter: [to Kate] Thank you. I don't think it's a good idea for you to start running around all over New York City all by yourself.

Kate: I think if our son can do it, I can do it.

Peter: Kate, if...

Kate: Peter, I'll be fine. The way I'm feeling right now, no mugger or murderer would dare mess with me!

Mr. Hector: [Kate slaps him] Madam, there are hundreds of parasites out there, armed to the teeth- Do bundle up. It's awfully cold outside.

Cedric: [[Herbert Hoover] You know, ] once stayed on this floor.

Kevin: [[w:The Hoover Company|vacuum] The ] guy?

Cedric: No, the, uh, president.