Memorable Quotes from Rob Schneider
27 quotesChristmas Greetings at the McCallister Hotel
Cedric
Mr. McCallister's room service bill, sir. Merry Christmas, sir.
[hands it to Buzz; holds out his hand for a tip]
Buzz
Oh, uh, hmm.
[hands over the gum he has been chewing]
Cedric
Nice family, really.
[deadpan, to himself]
Buzz
Merry Christmas, indeed. Oh, Daa-aad!
[to himself, reading bill, smirking; in sing-song voice; Outside, Kevin is with the Pigeon Lady in Central Park]
Peter
KEVIN!!! YOU SPENT NINE HUNDRED SIXTY-SEVEN DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE?!
[off-screen; furiously screaming from the hotel; Kevin, startled, gasps and runs off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Guest on the Same Floor
Cedric
You know, ] once stayed on this floor.
[[Herbert Hoover]
Kevin
The ] guy?
[[w:The Hoover Company|vacuum]
Cedric
No, the, uh, president.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Appreciation for Unique Beverage Choice
Marvin Mange
Now that's some good badger milk.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preferences for Beauty in Unexpected Places
Beautiful Woman in Painting
Maybe YOU can help me.
Deuce Bigalow
Really?
Beautiful Woman in Painting
I don't want a man who's chiseled and sculpted. I like soft and weak.
Deuce Bigalow
You do?
Beautiful Woman in Painting
I want a man who's unemployed. And went to a community college.
Deuce Bigalow
I am...and I did.
Beautiful Woman in Painting
And you know what really turns me on?
Deuce Bigalow
What?
Beautiful Woman in Painting
Is thinking about him in his tighty-whiteys...sitting at his computer...and visiting different porn sites...and taking the free tour...with no intention of ever joining.
Deuce Bigalow
I don't have a credit card!
Beautiful Woman in Painting
Kiss my chest.
Deuce Bigalow
Okay!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Coach's Dismissal and Townie's Reaction
Coach Red Beaulieu
I got somethin for you. This is his transcript from South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. Now, the problem with that is there ain't no South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. So obviously, this is a fake! However, this is not a fake. This is from the NCAA. They don't think you ought to play football no more. So allow me to say this to you one more time: You're fired.
[crowd gasps; shows official letter]
Townie
Oh, no! We suck again!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aquariums and Unexpected Desires
Ula
Aquariums make me super horny.
[Pretending to be Lucy for the video]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Dishwasher Situation
Ula
Get your brother out of the dishwasher!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Turtle's Health Concerns in Conversation
Keanu Mokokokakoa
What's wrong with that turtle?
Henry
He has lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right, Ula?
Ula
Wha? I don't smoke weed!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
New Officer's Mistake at the Scene
Marvin Mange
Freeze Puke. Put down that VCR. Put it down. Oh you bought it did you?... Oh you have a receipt do you?... My mistake... I'm new on the force.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Golf Mishap Description
Ula
Your golf ball hit the cart, bounced back and hit ya in the head. It was freakin hilarious.
[after Henry woke up dazed and confused]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ula's Unfortunate Stitches and a Cat's Lick
Ula
I think I pulled out my stitches again, Cuz. You got a cat? Cause I feel somethin lickin me.
[falls through the deck of Henry's boat up to his chest; pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with Kids' Skills
Ula
You kids suck; you're good at everything!
[to his children]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Character's Humorous Self-Description
Ula
My shirt size is medium husky.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Child in Peril in New York
Kevin
You gotta help me! There's two guys after me!
Mr. Hector
What's the matter? Store wouldn't take your... stolen credit card? Let's see what the police have to say about this.
Harry
Get up! Get up! Come on, let's go get him!
Mr. Hector
Get back here, you little thief! Stop that child!
Cedric
Grab him!
[he screams as he and Mr. Hector crash into Mrs. Stone and fall over]
Mr. Hector
You little sh...
Kevin
I've committed credit card fraud.
Mr. Hector
Get me security! We've got to stop that delinquent! Come along, Cedric!
Kevin
I've had enough of this vacation. I'm goin home.
Johnny
Hold it right there!
Mr. Hector
This is the Concierge, sir.
Johnny
I knew it was you. I could smell ya gettin off the elevator! You was here last night too, wasn't ya?
Mr. Hector
Yes, sir. I was.
Johnny
You was here...and you was smoochin wit my brother.
Mr. Hector
But...I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir.
Johnny
Don't gimme that. You been smoochin wit everybody! Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Bony Bob, Cliff...
Cliff
No. It's a lie!
Johnny
I could go on forever, baby!
Mr. Hector
I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're mistaken. We're looking for a young man.
Johnny
Alright. I believe ya. . But my Tommy gun don't! Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.
[reveals his [[w:Thompson submachine gun|Tommy gun; Mr. Hector gives a confused look]
Mr. Hector
On your knees. I love you!
[the entire staff gets down on their knees]
Johnny
Ya gotta do better than that!
Staff
I love you!
[in unison]
Johnny
Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe ya. That's why I'm gonna let ya go. I'm gonna give ya til the count of 3 to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four-flushing carcass out my door! 1... 2...! 3! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal! And a Happy New Year.
[Johnny opens fire wildly, cackling, as the hotel staff dive for cover; while Kevin mouths him from the emergency exit; shoots again; shoots once more]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sharks and Dogs: A Unique Comparison
Ula
Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendly Banter Among Friends
Bianca
Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends?
Jessica
You look good too Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more?
Monique
Barfing more.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reaction to a Bold Statement
J.D.
I think my dick just gasped.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on Unkempt Footwear
Woodrow Tyler
She's got crap on her boots!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unintended Similarities to Gay Porn
J.D.
This is starting to resemble gay porn.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fairness in Grading and Historical Accuracy
Teacher
Now, I'm returning your papers on the Salem Witch Trials. I'm sad to report that Eden here got the only "A".
Jessica
That's not fair. She's the only one who was actually there.
Eden
Hexum maleficium spiritum sanctum nostradamus!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childhood Bullying and Humorous Mishaps
Gus
Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?
[to Nelson]
Mel
Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.
Nelson
I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.
Clark
When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
Nelson
His son just did that to me last week!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern Over Injuries and Future Plans
Keanu Mokokokakoa
Hey, Dad.
Ula
Not now, Keanu Mokokokakoa.
Keanu Mokokokakoa
But your stitches are bleeding.
Ula
It musta been my huge back swing. Honah Lee, you think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
[demonstrates a back swing with his club]
Henry
Yeah, I'm lookin’ forward to it.
Caddy
I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula
What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy
Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula
A shark bit me.
Caddy
Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Symbolism of Rings Explained
Asian Minister
Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Among Friends
Clark
Gus!
Richie
Gus!
Clark
He can't hear us.
Richie
Ohh! Ah...
[Falls on the ground]
Gus
Hey fellas. You okay, Richie?
[Finally hearing them; Walks over to them]
Richie
Yeah, I'm fine, just... purple nuts.
[Standing up]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Child Checks Into Hotel Alone
Mr. Hector
We'd like to offer you a complimentary suite while you're here. It's a penthouse with a view of the park. I think you'll find it satisfactory. It was recently vacated by the Countess of Worcestershire.
Kate
What kind of hotel allows a child to check in alone?
Mrs. Stone
The boy had a very convincing story.
Kate
What kind of idiots do you have working here?!
Mrs. Stone
The finest in New York.
Peter
Well, I mean, when you discovered that the credit card was stolen, what...
Mr. Hector
I made the discovery.
[proudly]
Kate
Why did you let him leave?
Mr. Hector
When we attempted to confront him, he ran.
Peter
You scared him away!
Kate
It's Christmas Eve, and because of you, our child is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world.
Peter
Could you take our family and our luggage up to the room, please?
[to Cedric]
Cedric
Yes, sir!
Mr. Hector
Run along, Cedric.
Peter
I'm gonnna go down to the police station. I'm gonna make sure that they're doing everything in their power to find Kevin. I want you to stay here with Frank, Leslie and the kids.
[to Kate]
Kate
No! I'm going out to look for him.
Peter
What?
Mr. Hector
With all due respect, madam, your son is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world.
Peter
Could you stay out of this, please?
[to Mr. Hector]
Mr. Hector
As you wish.
Peter
Thank you. I don't think it's a good idea for you to start running around all over New York City all by yourself.
[to Kate]
Kate
I think if our son can do it, I can do it.
Peter
Kate, if...
Kate
Peter, I'll be fine. The way I'm feeling right now, no mugger or murderer would dare mess with me!
Mr. Hector
Madam, there are hundreds of parasites out there, armed to the teeth- Do bundle up. It's awfully cold outside.
[Kate slaps him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Exchange Between Friends
Ula
Oh, you crazy bitch!
Lucy
Yeah, KEEP RUNNING!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conversations About Relationships and Personal Lives
Mel
Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
Richie
Never had a date.
Mel
Clark?
Clark
Never spoke to a girl.
Mel
Gu... Gus?
[Pauses a bit, realizing that what Clark said was weird]
Gus
Uh, my wife and I are kind of working on it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.