Seth Rogen Quotes

The Invite

Searching for Maggie at the Sleepover

Joe Where is Maggie? Hey Maggie!

Angela She's not here.

Joe Where is she?

Angela She's, uh, at a sleepover.

Joe Where?

Angela At Sadie's.

Joe I thought she was having a sleepover at Sadie's

Angela Oh, that's last minute.

Joe Oh my God, Sadie is so friends with Maggie? I don't know if it's good that she's hanging out with Sadie.

Angela It's fine. I called ahead, Sadie's mother is single. There are no men or weapons in the home.

Joe You called Sadie's mother to find out if she's single?

Angela Yeah, of course.

Joe Of course.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Guiding McLovin's Love Life

Officer Michaels We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Take This Waltz

Unexpected Ride in a Rickshaw

Lou Get in. What are you doing? What the fuck? You're going to ride in a rickshaw!

[to a hesitant Margot]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Steve Jobs

Roles in Innovation: A Conversation on Contribution

Steve Wozniak Why has Lisa not heard of me?

Steve Jobs Shit, man, how many fourth graders have heard of you?

Steve Wozniak You can't write code. You're not an engineer. You're not a designer. You can't put a hammer to a nail. I built the circuit board! The graphical interface was stolen from Xerox Park! Jeff Raskin was the leader of the Mac team before you threw him off his own project! Everything-- Someone else designed the box! So how come ten times in a day I read Steve Jobs is a genius? What do you do?

Steve Jobs I play the orchestra. And you're a good musician, you sit right there, you're the best in your role.

[points towards the first violin chair]

Steve Wozniak I came here to clear the air. Do you know why I came here?

Steve Jobs Didn't you just answer that?

Steve Wozniak I came here cause you're gonna get killed. Your computer's gonna fail. You got a college and university advisory board telling you they need a powerful work station for two to three thousand. You priced NeXT at 6500, and that doesn't include the optional $3000 hardrive which people will discover isn't optional, because the optical disk is too weak to do anything, and the $2500 laser printer brings the total to $12000, and in the entire world you are the only person that cares that it's housed in a perfect cube. You're gonna get killed. And I came here to stand next to you while that happens cause that's what friends do... that's what men do. I don't need your pass. We go back, so don't talk to me like I'm other people. I'm the only one that knows that this guy here is someone you invented. I'm standing by you because that perfect cube - that does nothing - is about to be the single biggest failure in the history of personal computing.

Steve Jobs Tell me something else I don't know.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Unexpected Disappointment in Tijuana Experience

Cal Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Unconventional Advice on Romantic Encounters

Cal Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching ]. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother; [w:Murder, She Wrote|Murder, She Wrote]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Confrontation Over Expectations and Pressure

Jay What are you whining about? You asked for this shit!

[at the Date-a-Palooza]

Jay Will you just quit whining like a bitch?

Jay You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.

Jay And after that... you on my level. Come on.

Cal Just ask questions.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Clarifying Relationships Among Characters

Joe Let's be clear. You, you, her, and me.

[points to Hawk and Piña]

Angela Yes.

Joe Me too.

Angela Yes, also you.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Exploring Sexuality and Friendship Dynamics

Jay Dude, are you gay?

Andy No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.

Cal I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.

Jay Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys. In jail.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Pineapple Express

Unexpected Arrival at Dinner

Robert Anderson What the hell happened to you?

[at dinner]

Dale Denton Nothing. I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here.

Robert Anderson You're all dirty and bleeding.

Dale Denton No I'm not. I'm here for dinner.

Shannon Anderson You have scratches on your forehead.

Robert Anderson Dude, you smell like shit.

Angie Anderson Dale, what happened to you?

Dale Denton I was in the woods!

Shannon Anderson In the woods?

Dale Denton Yeah, isn't that weird? I was...I was in the woods!

Shannon Anderson What were you doing in the woods?

Dale Denton I bird...watch...I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder, okay? I saw someone murder...someone else, and I think they've been following me. And there's a good chance they went to my apartment where Angie has a lot of things. She is her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written, and it's on my fridge. So they could then find this house. They could come here.

Shannon Anderson We should call the police right away.

Dale Denton We can't call the police. The police were the murderers. That's what's so flippin scary.

Robert Anderson We can't call the police. They were the murderers.

Dale Denton They were the murderers. Don't?

Robert Anderson Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna...

[at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder]

Angie Anderson So fucked up.

Dale Denton What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna! Look, we gotta get the F out of here. Let's go. We need to begin to prematurely evacuate.

Robert Anderson Are you high?

Dale Denton What? No, I'm not high. Why?

Shannon Anderson You are high as a fucking kite!

Dale Denton I'm not high. Let's go.

Robert Anderson We're not going anywhere. I'm coming back in a minute. You know what I'm coming back with?

Dale Denton No.

Robert Anderson I'm coming back with a gun. You better be out of here.

Shannon Anderson Robert, don't.

Robert Anderson I'm not fucking with you.

Dale Denton Your gun? His gun? Why do you? Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms? Look, no, we need to go. Everyone, I'm leading the parade.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Debate Over a Milky Way Bar

Seth Rogen Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this?

[after the group inventories the remaining food]

Jonah Hill Um, can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

Jay Baruchel That's weird.

James Franco It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

Seth Rogen I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.

Jonah Hill Guys.

Jay Baruchel A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

Seth Rogen Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

James Franco I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.

[To Craig]

Craig Robinson I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.

James Franco I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.

Craig Robinson You couldn't handle my midriff.

Jonah Hill Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.

Jay Baruchel For fuck's sake.

Jonah Hill No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.

Jay Baruchel What?

James Franco Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?

Seth Rogen One finger scoop of Nutella.

Jonah Hill Fair.

James Franco I’m going to bed.

Jay Baruchel Jesus fucking…

James Franco Don’t touch that Milky Way, Jonah.

Jonah Hill Night, James.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Disaster Theories Among Friends

James Franco Earthquakes cause tsunamis.

Seth Rogen Yes.

James Franco Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.

Danny McBride I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.

Seth Rogen Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.

Jonah Hill Sinkhole de Mayo.

Seth Rogen Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.

Jay Baruchel It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.

Craig Robinson Let’s hear it.

Jay Baruchel I think it’s the Apocalypse.

James Franco What?

Jay Baruchel I’m serious, boys. It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.

[holds up a Bible]

James Franco You took my Bible?

Jay Baruchel Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.

[starts reading the Bible]

Craig Robinson The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.

James Franco Coldwater.

Seth Rogen I take Laurel Canyon.

Jonah Hill Cahuegna.

Danny McBride I usually cup down Barham.

Jay Baruchel Boys, can I just fricking finish?

Craig Robinson I love Laurel Canyon.

Jay Baruchel “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”

[continues reading]

Craig Robinson I love that dude. He’s from ].

[[Where the Wild Things Are]

James Franco It’s a load of bullshit.

Jay Baruchel It’s not bullshit.

James Franco You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.

Craig Robinson I’m straight-up lovable, son.

James Franco And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

You, Me and Dupree

Misplaced Origins of Dupree's Island Life

Neil How the hell did Dupree wind up on the wrond island?

Carl Dupree was born on the wrong island.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Three Rules for Talking to Women

Cal There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like ] in ].

[To Andy before he hits on Beth; [w:David Caruso|David Caruso; [w:Jade (1995 film)|Jade]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Take This Waltz

Comparing Pets: A Child's Perspective

Margot A dog is like a starter for a kid.

Lou No, a dog is like a starter for a cow...or a bigger animal.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Discussion About a New Rug

Joe What is this?

Angela It's a rug.

Joe Did you buy this rug because the neighbors are coming?

Angela Oh. My. God.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Step Brothers

Humor in Unconventional Job Interviews

Sporting goods manager I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.

Brennan Great.

Sporting goods manager ...Was that a fart?

Dale I don't know.

Sporting Goods manager I can taste it. On my tongue.

Dale Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.

Sporting Goods manager Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...

Brennan Shit.

Sporting Goods manager Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda fucked up.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Steve Jobs

Embracing Complexity in Talent and Character

Steve Wozniak It's not binary. You can be gifted and decent at the same time.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Misunderstandings About Sexuality and Celibacy

Cal So you're gay now?

David No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.

Cal I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.

David You're gay for saying that.

[smirks]

Cal I'm gay for saying that?

David You know how I know you're gay?

Cal How? How do you know I'm gay?

David Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Cal You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.

David You know how I know you're gay?

Cal How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?

David You know how I know you're gay?

Cal How?

David You like ]. You know how I know you're gay?

[[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]

Cal How?

David You like the movie ].

[[w:Maid in Manhattan|Maid in Manhattan]

Cal You know how I know you're gay?

David How?

Cal I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

David You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face.

Cal That's gay?

David Goddamn it!

[Gets killed in video game]

Andy You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.

Cal Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?

Andy Yeah.

Cal That's fucked up, man.

Andy Why? Why?

Cal Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.

Andy So what?

Cal And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.

Andy It's all right.

Cal Is that the ]'s boss?

[[w:The Six Million Dollar Man|Six Million Dollar Man]

Andy It's Oscar Goldman.

Cal Why do you have that?

Andy That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than ].

[[w:Steve Austin|Steve Austin]

Cal Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?

Andy I'm not trying to be sexy, man.

Cal I mean, seriously, ]? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?

[[w:Asia (band)|Asia]

Andy They did not laugh at me.

Cal Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.

Andy You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

Cal Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in ].

[[w:Neverland Ranch|Neverland Ranch]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Concern About Privacy in Apartment

Joe Can we put curtains on this window?! I don't like how they can see into our apartment!

[referring to an apartment across an alley]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Questioning the Purpose of a Gift

Angela Shoes off, please.

[Joe lies down in foyer after riding his bike]

Joe Can you please remind me, why you bought me this bike?

Angela What?

Joe This bike, why?

Angela Spinal cord. Spinal health. Remember the doctor said... You were supposed to fold it! There's no point in folding a bike. It folds!

Joe This thing is fucking impossible to fold! Do you know how hard this is to fold? It's supposed to be more comfortable than a normal bike. It's much less comfortable than a normal bike. And also the wheels, they are so small. It's like I have to pedal four times to get one normal wheel rotation out of it.

[Angela wheels bike away]

Angela Oh, I'll have to practice maybe.

[helps Joe up]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Casual Attitude Towards Shoes in Conversation

Hawk Take them off?

[referring to shoes]

Joe I don't give a fuck if you take your shoes off.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Important Conversations Awaiting Discussion

Joe There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about.

Piña We also have something we wanted to talk to you about.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Knocked Up

Boundaries in a Confrontation

Ben Stone I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.

Debbie OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.

Ben Stone Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, OK? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area. Stay in your area, stay out of my room. Back... the... fuck... off.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Steve Jobs

Conflict Over Apple’s Legacy and Innovation

Steve Wozniak This whole place was built by the Apple II, you were built by the Apple II!

Steve Jobs As a matter of fact, I was destroyed by the Apple II and its open systems so that hackers and hobbyists could build ham radios! Or something! And then it nearly destroyed Apple when you spent all your money on it and developed a grand total of no new products.

Steve Wozniak The Newton...

Steve Jobs The little box of garbage. You guys came up with the Newton, you, like, want people to know that. This is a product launch, not a luncheon. And the last thing I want to do is connect the iMac to the...

Steve Wozniak ...to the only successful product that this company has ever made. I'm sorry to be blunt, but that happens to be the truth. The Lisa was a failure, the Macintosh was a failure. I don't like talking like this, but I am tired of being Ringo when I know I was John.

Steve Jobs Everybody loves Ringo.

Steve Wozniak And I'm tired of being patronized by you!

Steve Jobs You think John became John by winning a raffle, Woz? You think he tricked somebody or hit George Harrison over the head? He was John because he was John.

Steve Wozniak He was John cause he wrote Ticket to Ride', and I wrote the Apple II.

Andrea Cunningham Everybody! Look, I want to clear the auditorium...

[to the people in the auditorium watching this]

Steve Jobs Nobody moves! You made a beautiful board which, by the way, you were willing to give out for free, so don't tell me how you built Apple. If it weren't for me, you'd be the easiest A at Homestead High School.

[to Woz]

Steve Wozniak These people live and die by your praise, so here's your chance: acknowledge that something good happened that you weren't in the room for!

[gesturing around the auditorium]

Steve Jobs No.

[after a long pause]

Steve Wozniak Steve... do it! It's right, it's... it's right.

Steve Jobs Sorry, but no.

Steve Wozniak Then let me put it another way. I don't think there's a man who's done more to advance the democratization that comes with personal computing than I have, but you've never had any respect for me. Now why is that?

Steve Jobs I'd at least consider the possibility that it's because you've never had any for me.

Joanna Hoffman What the hell is going on here?

[suddenly walking into the auditorium]

Steve Wozniak Nothing. Thank you for your time.

[as he walks away]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Confrontation with the Law

Officer Michaels I assume you all have guns and crack... Okay, everyone! Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!

[Breaking up a party]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Questioning the Effectiveness of a Familiar Phrase

Jay Baruchel The power of Christ compels you!

[trying to perform an exorcism]

Jonah Hill Guess what? It's not that compelling.

[possessed]

Seth Rogen Jay, are you serious right now? That’s your fucking plan? You gonna repeat line from The Exorcist?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

50/50

Optimistic Odds in Difficult Times

Kyle Hirons You’ll be fine. 50/50! If you were a casino game you’d have the best odds!

[to Adam]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Unexpected Reunion Amidst Dire Circumstances

Jay Baruchel Danny?

[after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck]

Danny McBride What the fuck?! You guys are still alive?!

Seth Rogen Yeah!

Danny McBride Holy shit, I didn't expect that. Fuck out here. Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's fuckin crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.

[tugs on his leash; On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck]

Jay Baruchel What does that have to do with us?

James Franco The fuck you talking about?

Danny McBride I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna fucking eat your ass!

[laughs]

Seth Rogen Fuck you, you can't eat us! Fuck that, man!

Danny McBride I do whatever the fuck I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-fucked this dude. See that? I fuckin slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.

Channing Tatum Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?

James Franco That's Channing Tatum!

Seth Rogen That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?!

Danny McBride Channing fucking Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum.

James Franco Hardcore, man.

Danny McBride I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.

James Franco All right, Seth…

Danny McBride: Fucking roll over.

James Franco I’m gonna create a diversion…

Seth Rogen Yeah.

James Franco …you and Jay make a run for it.

Seth Rogen What? Danny’s gonna eat you!

James Franco Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.

Danny McBride Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing fucking Tatum, dawg!

Channing Tatum I love him.

Danny McBride That’s fucking ], dude. He fucking loves me.

[[w:G.I. Joe|G.I. Joe; laughs]

Seth Rogen Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!

Danny McBride I’d love to catch up, but we’re fucking starving, so… LET’S EAT!

James Franco FUCK YOU!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Feeling Abandoned Among Friends

Seth Rogen You okay, man?

Jay Baruchel No, it’s nothing, it’s just, you know, as soon as we got there, you did what you said you wouldn’t do.

Seth Rogen What did I do?

Jay Baruchel You just fucking ditched my ass.

Seth Rogen I didn’t ditch you. Are you kidding me? I did not ditch you. I was talking to Jonah and then you left to go have a cigarette.

Jay Baruchel Well, you know, my cigarette was an excuse. I really went outside cause Jonah was being a prick.

Seth Rogen Jonah was not being a prick. If anything, you were kind of being a prick. Jonah’s the nicest guy ever.

Jay Baruchel Oh, my God, that’s a thin veneer of kindness. Nobody’s that nice.

Seth Rogen Jonah is that nice.

Jay Baurchel Serial killers are that nice.

Seth Rogen Just answer me one question: Is ]'s butthole as adorable as I pictured?

[[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]

Jay Baruchel Oh, for fuck's sake...

Seth Rogen I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Survival Supplies in a Crisis Situation

Seth Rogen We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, ], cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, ], milk, ketchup, a ], a half-ounce of ], 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.

[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house; [w:Nutella|Nutella; [w:Cinnamon Toast Crunch|C.T. Crunch; [w:Milky Way (chocolate bar)|Milky Way; [w:Sour Diesel|Sour Diesel]

James Franco ].

[correcting Seth; [127 Hours]

Seth Rogen Uh... ], and a functioning revolver from the movie ].

[[127 Hours; [Flyboys]

James Franco Old faithful.

[picks up the gun'']

Jay Baruchel Jesus.

James Franco Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.

Seth Rogen Yeah.

James Franco This is an actual revolver.

Seth Rogen I see, yeah.

Craig Robinson Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?

James Franco Loaded.

Jonah Hill Love it.

Jay Baruchel Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?

James Franco I always keep my props.

Jay Baruchel That’s really cool.

James Franco Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.

Jonah Hill He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.

James Franco It’s real. It’s heavy.

Jonah Hill Let me see it like that.

Craig Robinson Goddamn!

Seth Rogen Come on, guys! You could kill…

James Franco Careful.

Jonah Hill Bang, bang!

[pretends to shoot it]

Jay Baruchel Jesus!

Seth Rogen Please put it down!

Jay Baruchel Oh, fuck!

Jonah Hill Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!

Jay Baruchel I hope you’re fucking happy.

Jonah Hill Pow, pow, pow!

Seth Rogen Stop- Guys, stop fucking with the gun!

Jay Baruchel Jesus. Jesus!

Jonah Hill Pow! Pow! Bang!

Seth Rogen It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.

Jonah Hill Guys, it’s funny.

Jay Baruchel It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.

Jonah Hill I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.

All No!

Seth Rogen Don’t do that Jonah!

Jay Baruchel Jesus!

James Franco Jonah, give it back.

Jonah Hill I don’t know! I don’t know!

[puts the gun in his mouth]

James Franco Don’t do that!

Seth Rogen Oh, dude!

Jay Baruchel Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!

Craig Robinson Would you put the thing down?!

Jonah Hill The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Discussion on Food Preferences and Humor

James Franco ] to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here?

[after sending [[w:Emma Watson|Emma Watson]

Seth Rogen Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want.

James Franco That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven.

Danny McBride This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive ] fan.

[[w: Harry Potter|Harry Potter]

James Franco What?

Danny McBride Yes. I love fucking ]. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures.

[[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter]

James Franco Take it easy, ].

[[w:Dumble Dore|Dumble Dore]

Jay Baruchel Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

Seth Rogen Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco That's racist.

Jay Baruchel I wasn’t referring to him. I was referring to the issue that’s on all of our minds.

James Franco What?

Jay Baruchel This is one girl in a house with six males.

James Franco Real safe.

Seth Rogen Ideal scenario.

Craig Robinson She’s like a little sister.

Jay Baruchel I think that she needs… It’s important that she feels safe. And comfortable. And we should be mindful.

Craig Robinson Who’s making her not feel safe?

Jay Baruchel Well, I’m just saying we should… We don’t wanna give off a bad vibe.

James Franco Vibes? I ain’t got no vibes.

Seth Rogen Wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?

Danny McBride He’s talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.

All Whoa!

Craig Robinson Jesus.

James Franco Jay, what the fuck, man?

Seth Rogen Chill out dude.

James Franco Why you putting that shit in the mix?

Jay Baruchel He fucking said it!

Danny McBride You’re the one saying it. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.

James Franco Well, you talking about vibes is the only thing that’s rapey going on right now.

Seth Rogen Dude, nothing was rapey until you brought up the rapey vibe.

James Franco Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.

Seth Rogen True that, dude.

James Franco One who denies it supplies it.

Jay Baruchel I know, it’s farts, I get it.

Jonah Hill Guys, guys, guys. Jay’s not rapey. Jay couldn’t rape a fly.

Seth Rogen He probably could.

Craig Robinson Maybe we should stop this entire conversation right now.

James Franco If anyone’s gonna rape anyone here, it’s probably gonna be Danny.

Danny McBride What the fuck, Franco?

James Franco What?

Danny McBride Why do you think I’m gonna rape somebody?

James Franco I’m just trying to lay it out here.

Danny McBride I’m not gonna rape anyone, all right? If anyone’s gonna rape somebody, it’s Jay. He came up with the rape idea and his face looks like the police sketch of a fucking rapist.

James Franco True.

Jay Baruchel What the fuck does that mean?

Danny McBride If anybody’s raping Emma Watson, it’s fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Breaking Through Together Amidst Chaos

Seth Rogen That is so fucking good.

James Franco The two heroes over here breaking through the floor.

Seth Rogen We did break through the floor.

Jay Baruchel Any of you guys would have done the same thing.

Seth Rogen Oh, man, that fucking hurt.

Jay Baruchel Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again.

Seth Rogen I think I did.

Jonah Hill Hey, what year is this?

Jay Baruchel 19…

Seth Rogen That’s a good… That’s a good year.

Craig Robinson Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin?!

[turns his attention to McBride about to pour water]

Danny McBride What am I doing?

[Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]

Seth Rogen Fuck, man!

Danny McBride What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

James Franco That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!

Seth Rogen Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.

Danny McBride Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.

James Franco You cannot have another glass of water.

Danny McBride Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the fuck is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.

Jonah Hill I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.

Danny McBride I just think that everybody should have the fucking same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONAH!

[mimicking Jonah]

James Franco You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.

Danny McBride You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fuckin punch line.

James Franco No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!

Danny McBride Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.

Seth Rogen Good.

James Franco Alright.

Danny McBride YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY FUCKING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!

James Franco GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

[aims his revolver at Danny]

Danny McBride That's what I thought. Nerd.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Fears of a Creepy Future Living Situation

Cal I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...

[about letting Andy hang out with them]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Chaos and Confusion Among Friends

Jay Baruchel Holy shit!

Seth Rogen It worked!

Danny McBride What the fuck?

James Franco Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh...

[sticks up both middle fingers]

Seth Rogen Oh shit.

James Franco What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!

[horrified]

Danny McBride I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven cause you were being petty! ]. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.

[[w:Tom Petty|Tom Petty]

James Franco What? NOOOOOO!

[Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]

Danny McBride HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?!

[holding up James' severed nose; shrieks]

James Franco DANNY, NOOOOOO!

[last words]

Danny McBride SETH! JAY!

[three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]

Jay Baruchel Oh shit, they're running after us!

Seth Rogen Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!

Danny McBride BRING THEM TO ME!

[last words]

Seth Rogen Fuck!

Cannibal Get ‘em!

Cannibal 2 Got to get Rogen!

Seth Rogen Over here! Over here, over here.

Jay Baruchel What?

Seth Rogen Shit, shit!

Cannibal They’re around here somewhere.

Cannibal 2 They kept running you fucking idiots!

Seth Rogen Shit, are they still here?

Jay Baruchel I think they’re gone.

Seth Rogen Are they gone?

Jay Baruchel Oh, my God.

Seth Rogen Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!

Jay Baruchel That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…

Seth Rogen Is it Vanity?

Jay Baruchel Vanity or envy.

Seth Rogen Is it envy or wrath?

Jay Baruchel It’s any of them, man.

Seth Rogen You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.

Jay Baruchel That’s exactly what it is.

Seth Rogen You can’t be a sore winner.

Jay Baruchel Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. Fuck.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Questioning the Presence of Guests

Joe Are we expecting people?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

The Thrill of Carrying a Gun

Fogell What's it like to have a gun?

Officer Michaels It is...awesome! I mean, I've only had mine for like a few months, but I'll tell you, it's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Take This Waltz

A Simple Exchange About Self-Care

Lou Maybe you should take a shower. It'll make you feel better.

Margot I don't want to take a shower.

Lou Just do me a favor, ok?

Margot You?

Lou Yeah.

Margot Every — ?

Lou Every day.

Margot There's no —

Lou There's no problem with the water. There's nothing to get fixed. I thought when we're 80, I'll tell Margot I've been doing this her whole life, and it'll make her laugh. As kind of a long-term joke.

[straight-faced]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

A Night to Remember with Friends

Joe This is amazing.

Angela I take it all back. We should invite more people over. Best night of my life.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Humor in Awkward Conversations About Relationships

Officer Michaels Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?

Fogell It's not the "going" I'm worried about...but the "coming".

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Knocked Up

Casual Conversation Sparks Curiosity Among Friends

Ben Stone Hey! What up, dawg?

[Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers]

Sadie Where have you been?

Ben Stone Oh, you know, around.

Sadie Why is everyone so mad at you?

Ben Stone They are? What are they saying?

Sadie Oh, you know. "Blah, blah, blah. Ben's a fool". What's that mean?

Ben Stone Maniac. It means Maniac.

Sadie Penis.

[nods her head and then giggles]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Mediocre Experience Before Meaningful Connections

Cal Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. Probably still pretty bad though.

[pause]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Discussion of Dietary Choices and Preferences

Jay Baruchel All right, I’ve landed, I’m here, we’ve said our hellos. Can we please go to fucking ]?

[[w:Carl’s Jr.|Carl’s Jr.]

Seth Rogen Uh… I would… I would love to, I’m on a… I can’t really eat that stuff right now. I’m on a, uh… I’m on this cleanse.

Jay Baruchel You’re on a what?

Seth Rogen I’m on a cleanse.

Seth Rogen It’s good for you. I didn’t know— You’re supposed to take shits a day.

Jay Baruchel That’s not true.

Seth Rogen It is true.

Jay Baruchel You’re supposed to shit twice a day.

Seth Rogen No. That’s not true. That’s what they used to think. Now they know you’re supposed to shit six times a day.

Jay Baruchel So, you’re not drinking, you’re not smoking weed? You’re not…

Seth Rogen Oh, no, no. I’m drinking, I’m smoking weed.

Jay Baruchel But…

Seth Rogen I’m on a cleanse, I’m not psychotic. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you’d feel way fucking better all day. Whenever you feel shitty, that’s cause of gluten.

Jay Baruchel That’s not true. Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten?

Seth Rogen It’s just true.

Jay Baruchel You don’t even know what gluten is.

Seth Rogen I know what fucking gluten is.

Jay Baruchel No, you have no idea what gluten is.

Seth Rogen I do know what gluten is. Gluten’s a vague term. It’s, it’s like something that’s used to categorize things that are bad, you know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten.

Jay Baruchel Somebody just told you, you probably shouldn’t eat gluten, you’re like, “Oh, I guess I shouldn’t eat gluten.”

Seth Rogen Gluten means bad shit, man, and I’m not eating it.

Seth Rogen Hmm! Oh, God! Each bite is better than the previous bite.

Jay Baruchel It is.

Seth Rogen Gluten!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Magazine Mishap at a Party

James Franco Who did this? Who did this?!

Seth Rogen Did what, what are you talking about?

James Franco Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?

[holds up his jizzed porn magazine]

Seth Rogen No.

James Franco No?

Danny McBride It was me, Franco. I fuckin made jizz in your magazine.

[raises his hand]

James Franco What?!

Danny McBride When I fuckin jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?

James Franco Real fucking smart answer! Why don't you fucking aim, huh?!

Danny McBride I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a fuckin wild fireman's hose, she's gonna grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth!

James Franco The fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a fucking sock or on a fuckin tissue?!

Danny McBride No, I don't have any brothers. I was raised in a house of women!

James Franco I highly doubt they fuckin taught you to fuckin close your eyes and fuckin cum wherever you want!

Danny McBride I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?! Welcome to the 21st century, ]! You designed a house with fucking ]s in the walls! Yet, you're jerkin your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!

[[w:Buck Rogers|Buck Rogers; [w:iPad|iPad]

James Franco That's right, man. I like to fuckin read!

Danny McBride You think that's the only thing I jerked off in here? I've been dropping loads around this fuckin house like a goddamn dump truck.

James Franco YOU DON'T CUM ON MY STUFF!

Danny McBride I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James. I'll fuckin cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin art, I'LL CUM ANYWHERE I WANT!

James Franco I will fuckin cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin madman all over you, McBride!

Danny McBride Ooh! I fuckin wish you'd cum on me right now, I fuckin DARE YOU TO CUM ON ME!

Danny McBride I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin hard in here!

[Grabbing a baseball bat between his legs]

James Franco This, no more, man, all over your fuckin face!

Danny McBride All over the fuckin floor, all over the fuckin place! I'll fuckin cum anywhere I want, I'll fuckin cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin cabinets, on the fuckin furniture, I'LL CUM EVERYWHERE!

James Franco If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fucking shoot it off!

[points his revolver]

Danny McBride You don't have enough bullets, bitch!

James Franco No fuckin jerking off in my house, McBride!

[waving his revolver]

Seth Rogen Come on, man.

Danny McBride Fuck this. It's just I'm too thirsty to do this, and the fuckin bitter irony is I'm not gonna have my thirst quenched until I finish this. I give up.

Seth Rogen Danny, no. Don't walk away. Danny, don't walk away from me!

Danny McBride It's too late, Seth. I've already walked away too much.

Seth Rogen No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fuckin turn around and come back and help me. Danny? Daniel?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Invite

Expressing Connection and Gratitude Among Friends

Piña We feel a very strong connection with you guys.

Angela That is so sweet. Thank you.

Joe Yeah.

Angela Say thank you, Joe.

Joe Thank you. Very flattering.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Contemplating God During the Apocalypse

Seth Rogen This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who fucking saw that coming that there's actually a God?

[discussing the apocalypse; Jay nods in agreement]

Jay Baruchel I-I'd say 95% of the planet.

Seth Rogen Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Craig Robinson You might wanna stay away from saying that.

Seth Rogen Jesus fucking Christ"?

Craig Robinson Yes.

Seth Rogen Why? Why can't I say that?

Craig Robinson One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".

Seth Rogen Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.

Craig Robinson Jesus, God. It's all the same.

Jay Baruchel It's the trinity.

Seth Rogen Jesus...

Craig Robinson Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

James Franco It's like Neapolitan ice cream.

Seth Rogen I don't even know what the fucking Commandments are.

James Franco Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.

Seth Rogen I'm good.

James Franco We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!

Jay Baruchel Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.

James Franco It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.

Craig Robinson Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.

Seth Rogen Oh.

Craig Robinson You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.

Seth Rogen I think God might've just fucked up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!

[whispering]

Craig Robinson It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.

James Franco Wh-Why you so sure?

Craig Robinson I've- I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.

[sighs]

Jay Baruchel What the?

Seth Rogen Oh, fuck off.

James Franco Craig.

Craig Robinson Well I was a kid, man, it was a fuckin bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I fuckin called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...

Craig Robinson And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, fuck it. And I went for the second one.

Craig Robinson It was fucked up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.

James Franco I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I fucked ]. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the ], she kept banging on my door.

[[w:Lindsay Lohan|Lindsay Lohan; [w:Chateau Marmont|Chateau Marmont]

James Franco She kept calling me ].

[[w:Jake Gyllenhaal|Jake Gyllenhaal]

Seth Rogen That's fucked up.

James Franco Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".

Craig Robinson See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... It's time to pay the piper.

[sighs]

Seth Rogen Whoa.

James Franco Oh, shit! Something's wrong! God did this. He gave us light, and then he took it away.

[whispers; lights lighter]

Jay Baruchel You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.

Craig Robinson Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.

[worried about Jonah, whispering]

Jay Baruchel I know what we can do.

[blows out lighter]

The Invite

A Thoughtful Gesture of Jamón

Angela Actually, I have something. I don't know if you've seen it yet, but this is just a little something, a gesture, to remind you of hom Uh, it's just a little, um, jamón.

[leads Piña to dining table; holds out paddle with deli meat]

Piña Oh, that is so sweet. And I love how you say, can you say it again?

Angela Jamón.

Piña Oh, my God. It's so sweet. I would you eat you instead of it. I cannot- I don't eat meat.

Angela No?

Piña No. He does.

[refers to Hawk]

Hawk I do. A pure carnivore.

Angela Cheese? We have plenty of cheese.

Piña No, I mean, for me no, no cheese.

Joe Oh, you don't eat cheese.

Piña No. Inflammation.

Hawk Yeah.

Angela We have crackers.

Piña No, for me. No gluten, no dairy, no meat, no sugar.

Superbad

Reality of Police Work vs. TV Portrayals

Officer Michaels You know, this job, though, isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!

Officer Slater Yup.

Officer Michaels If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier.

Officer Slater Hell yeah!

Officer Michaels I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.

Officer Slater I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.

Officer Michaels Could smell it out like a rat.

Officer Slater Smell it out. Anything.

Officer Michaels Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him.

Officer Slater No way.

Officer Michaels Just punched you in the face. No semen.

Officer Slater Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.

Officer Michaels Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.

Officer Slater I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make, you know, live in a world of semen.

The Invite

Compliments and Expectations in Relationships

Joe This shirt. Looks nice. It looks- it looks really good on you.

[realizes Angela is wearing a shirt that color matches his]

Angela Well, you could tell me that every once in a while.

[takes it off]

Take This Waltz

A Reflection on Personal Identity and Masculinity

Lou At least I have my testicles.

[trying to lighten the mood after Margot has just asked for a divorce]

Steve Jobs

Determining Authenticity and Capability

Steve Wozniak We will know soon enough if you are ] or just think you are.

[[Leonardo Da Vinci]

50/50

Questioning Life Choices and Aspirations

Kyle Hirons Driving! That’s what you want to do? That’s your “Make A Wish”? To drive? We could be having sex with hookers while skydiving, and instead you want to do something I learned to do when I was fifteen!

[to Adam, the night before Adam's surgery]

The Invite

Clarifying Relationships Among Characters

Joe Let's be clear. You, you, her, and me.

[points to Hawk and Piña; points to Angela; points to himself]

This Is the End

A Unique Perspective on Personal Space

Seth Rogen This place is beautiful, man.

James Franco This place is like a piece of me. You two just stepped inside of me.

Seth Rogen You let us both cum inside you. Yeah.

James Franco Icing on the cake. Check it out. Painted them myself.

[shows Seth the painting on the wall]

Seth Rogen Huh!

James Franco Side by side. A team.

Seth Rogen Holy shit.

James Franco So, is it weird?

Seth Rogen No.

James Franco You sure?

Seth Rogen I really like it.

James Franco What do you think, Jay?

Jay Baruchel I’m not a big art guy.

James Franco You don’t like art?

Jay Baruchel Well, come on.

James Franco You play video games?

Jay Baruchel Yes.

James Franco Well, guess what, buddy? You like art.

Jay Baruchel Yep.

James Franco You ever been to Subway?

Jay Baruchel Yes.

James Franco You order a sandwich? Somebody put that together for you, dude. That’s art.

Seth Rogen Sandwich artist.

James Franco So let me lay this on you, Jay.

Jay Baruchel Oh, fuck…

James Franco Your mama's pussy was the canvas, your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art, huh?

Jay Baruchel Thanks, James Franco.

James Franco You got it.

The Invite

Character Impressions of Energy and Sparks

Hawk It has great energy.

Piña You've got great energy. Sparks. Closed padlock. (¡Chispas! Candado cerrado)

[speaks Spanish]

Angela Ah! I-

Joe Wow, look at that.

Angela That's the energy I was going for. That's what I wanted.

Joe Energy is great. We talked a lot about how to capture energy, as though that was a real thing we could do.

Angela Well...

Piña Energy is everything. Kinetic, chemical, potential, nuclear, sexual. You cannot really create it or destroy it but you can find ways to shape it.

Hawk Beautiful. You shaped it really beautifully here. I love the shape.

Angela Thank you.

This Is the End

Cell Phone Drama Among Friends

Micheal Cera ALRIGHT Everybody listen up, listen up!! Who took my FUCKING CELL PHONE, MAN?!?! , EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!!!

[drunken to the crowd; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Starr MARTIN]

Martin Starr What?!

Micheal Cera I saw you in the bathroom, man, somebody dial my phone, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!!! It's UNACCEPTABLE after all the coke I've WASTED on you people! I've THROWN AWAY!!!

Martin Starr I didn't take your fucking cell phone!

Micheal Cera THREE-ONE-ZERO-NINE...!!

Seth Rogen Woah, woah! Mike! Mike! MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!!!!

David Krumholtz MY FACE!!!

Micheal Cera What's happening to me?! What's happening?!

Seth Rogen MICHEAL, COME BACK!!!

Micheal Cera Oh shit, that's embarrassing!

[Sobbing in pain and humiliation]

This Is the End

Voting Off the Island Discussion

Danny McBride This how you all feel?

Seth Rogen We talked about it.

Danny McBride You guys are gonna vote me off the island? I mean, I made you guys breakfast.

James Franco Oh, shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that.

Danny McBride Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys. Just to apologize for my behavior at the party. Party I wasn’t even invited to. I’m not an idiot. I know why you guys don’t fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It’s because I party so fucking hard. Always have, ever since I was a baby, I wouldn’t just suck on my mama’s titties, I would fuckin’ bang them and motorboat them. Everything I’ve been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I’ve just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.

James Franco I’m sorry, all right? You can cum wherever you want.

Danny McBride I don’t even care about cumming anymore. Right now, I’m just kind of into going.

Steve Jobs

Conflict Between Vision and Character

Steve Jobs You came a half inch from putting this company out of business. Now who do I see about that? I'm letting you keep your job. You get a pass.

[to Steve Wozniak]

Steve Wozniak You know, when people used to ask me what the difference was between me and Steve Jobs, I would say "Steve was the big picture guy and I liked a solid workbench". When people ask the difference now, I say "Steve’s an asshole". Your products are better than you are, brother.

Steve Jobs That's the idea, "brother", and knowing that... that's the difference!

Steve Wozniak It's not binary! You can be decent and gifted at the same time.

This Is the End

Misunderstanding Over a Prop Gun

Danny McBride Thank you, James. It means a lot to you, and I appreciate that you’d give this to me. Stupid. Stupid motherfucker!

James Franco Fucking psychopath!

Danny McBride What the...?

James Franco It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?

[takes the revolver back]

Danny McBride You were gonna send me out there with a fucking gun filled with blanks?

Seth Rogen Oh, fuck you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you fucking dickhead!

James Franco Fucking murdering motherfucker!

Danny McBride Whatever. Fucking civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so fucking high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious fucking nerd.

James Franco Fuck you.

Danny McBride Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.

[Jonah glares at him offensively]

Craig Robinson Bro.

Danny McBride Seth... you duplicitous taint.

Seth Rogen What?

Danny McBride And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.

Jay Baruchel What the fuck are you talking about?

Danny McBride I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.

Jay Baruchel No, no, no, no. That-that's fucking twisting that shit around, you're fucking lying.

Danny McBride Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.

Craig Robinson Ooh! Jay.

Seth Rogen Fuck, man.

Danny McBride It's not, it's textbook twattage. And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back in. Don't be cocky.

[opens his hands like a book and closes them]

The Invite

Feeling Left Out and Uninformed

Joe Why do I feel like everyone knows something except me?!

This Is the End

Survival and Tension Among Friends

Danny McBride Franco! Good morning, sunshine!

James Franco Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food!

Jonah Hill Danny!

Danny McBride No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys!

Seth Rogen Stop eating!

Jay Baruchel Don’t eat another piece of bacon!

Danny McBride Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the ] can fucking afford some more bacon.

[[w:Green Goblin|Green Goblin]

Craig Robinson Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!

Danny McBride Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.

Seth Rogen Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!

Danny McBride James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.

Seth Rogen Do you actually not know what happened last night?

Jonah Hill Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.

Danny McBride Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities.

Craig Robinson Dude, ]’s dead, ] is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.

[[w:Jason Segel|Segel; [w:David Krumholtz|Krumholtz]

Danny McBride Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh?

[laughing]

Jay Baruchel Jesus, Danny!

Danny McBride Michael Cera’s dead.

Jay Baruchel It’s not like that.

James Franco It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.

Danny McBride Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in ], huh? Jonah, you’re fucking sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities.

[[The Green Hornet (film)|Green Hornet]

Jonah Hill Fatalities.

Danny McBride Okay, now that was good. That was good.

Seth Rogen Does it seem like we’re fucking joking?

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Suspicion of a Nice Guy's Dark Side

Cal He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.

[about Andy]

This Is the End

Confronting Unacceptable Behavior Among Friends

Emma Watson Back the fuck up!

[Holding an axe]

James Franco Emma, what's wrong?

Seth Rogen W-W-W-What's wrong?

Emma Watson What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.

All No! No, no, no, no!

Seth Rogen I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... OH!

[Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe]

Jay Baruchel Holy shit!

Emma Watson BACK UP!

[swishes her axe around]

Jonah Hill It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...

Emma Watson GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!

Seth Rogen There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!

Emma Watson I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND!

[chops off a fake penis using her axe]

Craig Robinson GIVE HER DRINKS!

James Franco Okay!

Craig Robinson GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Danny McBride Oh, God!

Craig Robinson PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Emma Watson HURRY THE FUCK UP!

Jay Baruchel Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!

Craig Robinson Don't give the Milky Way away!

Jay Baruchel Put the axe down now!

Danny McBride Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!

James Franco I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there.

[to Danny; to Emma]

Danny McBride ] just stole all of our shit.

[[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione]

Craig Robinson Little bitty ass, um, 20-year-old jacked us.

Danny McBride Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.

Jay Baruchel I didn't... I was just... I...

Danny McBride I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.

Craig Robinson So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.

This Is the End

Restroom Access Denied for Non-Customers

Father Excuse me, would it be possible for my daughter to use your restroom? She's really got to go.

Cashier Read the sign. Customers only.

Father Seriously?

Cashier Why the fuck you think I put up the sign?

Daughter It's okay, Dad. I can hold it.

Father Let's just buy something for your mother.

Seth Rogen (watching the conversation) This cash register lady is mean! I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me? (Shows Jay a Milky Way) When I'm stoned, I can't do this.

Jay Baruchel I think I'm just gonna head back to your place. I'm not really liking it very much over there at Franco's.

Seth Rogen Dude, I want you to get to know these guys. That's never gonna happen if you don't put in any effort whatsoever, okay?

Jay Baruchel I hate it in there. I just want to drink some pop and smoke some weed...

Seth Rogen Are you okay?

Cashier (freaking out) DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL...

Jay Baruchel OH MY GOD!! JESUS!! JESUS!!!

Seth Rogen Oh my god, run! RUN! This way!!

Jay Baruchel Jesus, okay! Okay! AAGGH!!!

Seth Rogen OH SHIT!!

Jay Baruchel OH MY GOD!!

Jay Baruchel JESUS CHRIST, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING ME DOWN HERE?!?!

Seth Rogen GAAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, SHIT SHIT!!!

Seth Rogen We're going back to Franco's!!

Jay Baruchel WHY?!

Seth Rogen Just trust me, keep running!

Jay Baruchel OH MY FUCK!!!

[Reacting to the crash]

Seth Rogen WE ARE GOING BACK TO FRANCO'S!!

Jay Baruchel Oh, goddamnit!!

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Desire for Voyeurism in Unexpected Places

Miriam Linky Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!

Zack EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate ], but if somebody said, "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid," I'd be like, "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?!

[[Rosie O'Donnell]

Memorable Quotes from Seth Rogen

find it. watch it.