Seth RogenQuotes

Lou: Maybe you should take a shower. It'll make you feel better.

Margot: I don't want to take a shower.

Lou: Just do me a favor, ok?

Margot: You?

Lou: Yeah.

Margot: Every — ?

Lou: Every day.

Margot: There's no —

Lou: [straight-faced] There's no problem with the water. There's nothing to get fixed. I thought when we're 80, I'll tell Margot I've been doing this her whole life, and it'll make her laugh. As kind of a long-term joke.

Margot: A dog is like a starter for a kid.

Lou: No, a dog is like a starter for a cow...or a bigger animal.

Lou: [to a hesitant Margot] Get in. What are you doing? What the fuck? You're going to ride in a rickshaw!

Lou: [trying to lighten the mood after Margot has just asked for a divorce] At least I have my testicles.

Neil: How the hell did Dupree wind up on the wrond island?

Carl: Dupree was born on the wrong island.

Kyle Hirons: [to Adam, the night before Adam's surgery] Driving! That’s what you want to do? That’s your “Make A Wish”? To drive? We could be having sex with hookers while skydiving, and instead you want to do something I learned to do when I was fifteen!

Kyle Hirons: [to Adam] You’ll be fine. 50/50! If you were a casino game you’d have the best odds!

Robert Anderson: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you?

Dale Denton: Nothing. I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here.

Robert Anderson: You're all dirty and bleeding.

Dale Denton: No I'm not. I'm here for dinner.

Shannon Anderson: You have scratches on your forehead.

Robert Anderson: Dude, you smell like shit.

Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you?

Dale Denton: I was in the woods!

Shannon Anderson: In the woods?

Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was...I was in the woods!

Shannon Anderson: What were you doing in the woods?

Dale Denton: I bird...watch...I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder, okay? I saw someone murder...someone else, and I think they've been following me. And there's a good chance they went to my apartment where Angie has a lot of things. She is her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written, and it's on my fridge. So they could then find this house. They could come here.

Shannon Anderson: We should call the police right away.

Dale Denton: We can't call the police. The police were the murderers. That's what's so flippin scary.

Robert Anderson: We can't call the police. They were the murderers.

Dale Denton: They were the murderers. Don't?

Robert Anderson: [at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder] Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna...

Angie Anderson: So fucked up.

Dale Denton: What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna! Look, we gotta get the F out of here. Let's go. We need to begin to prematurely evacuate.

Robert Anderson: Are you high?

Dale Denton: What? No, I'm not high. Why?

Shannon Anderson: You are high as a fucking kite!

Dale Denton: I'm not high. Let's go.

Robert Anderson: We're not going anywhere. I'm coming back in a minute. You know what I'm coming back with?

Dale Denton: No.

Robert Anderson: I'm coming back with a gun. You better be out of here.

Shannon Anderson: Robert, don't.

Robert Anderson: I'm not fucking with you.

Dale Denton: Your gun? His gun? Why do you? Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms? Look, no, we need to go. Everyone, I'm leading the parade.

Sporting goods manager: I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.

Brennan: Great.

Sporting goods manager: ...Was that a fart?

Dale: I don't know.

Sporting Goods manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.

Dale: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.

Sporting Goods manager: Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...

Brennan: Shit.

Sporting Goods manager: Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda fucked up.

Steve Jobs: [to Steve Wozniak] You came a half inch from putting this company out of business. Now who do I see about that? I'm letting you keep your job. You get a pass.

Steve Wozniak: You know, when people used to ask me what the difference was between me and Steve Jobs, I would say "Steve was the big picture guy and I liked a solid workbench". When people ask the difference now, I say "Steve’s an asshole". Your products are better than you are, brother.

Steve Jobs: That's the idea, "brother", and knowing that... that's the difference!

Steve Wozniak: It's not binary! You can be decent and gifted at the same time.

Steve Wozniak: This whole place was built by the Apple II, you were built by the Apple II!

Steve Jobs: As a matter of fact, I was destroyed by the Apple II and its open systems so that hackers and hobbyists could build ham radios! Or something! And then it nearly destroyed Apple when you spent all your money on it and developed a grand total of no new products.

Steve Wozniak: The Newton...

Steve Jobs: The little box of garbage. You guys came up with the Newton, you, like, want people to know that. This is a product launch, not a luncheon. And the last thing I want to do is connect the iMac to the...

Steve Wozniak: ...to the only successful product that this company has ever made. I'm sorry to be blunt, but that happens to be the truth. The Lisa was a failure, the Macintosh was a failure. I don't like talking like this, but I am tired of being Ringo when I know I was John.

Steve Jobs: Everybody loves Ringo.

Steve Wozniak: And I'm tired of being patronized by you!

Steve Jobs: You think John became John by winning a raffle, Woz? You think he tricked somebody or hit George Harrison over the head? He was John because he was John.

Steve Wozniak: He was John cause he wrote Ticket to Ride', and I wrote the Apple II.

Andrea Cunningham: [to the people in the auditorium watching this] Everybody! Look, I want to clear the auditorium...

Steve Jobs: [to Woz] Nobody moves! You made a beautiful board which, by the way, you were willing to give out for free, so don't tell me how you built Apple. If it weren't for me, you'd be the easiest A at Homestead High School.

Steve Wozniak: [gesturing around the auditorium] These people live and die by your praise, so here's your chance: acknowledge that something good happened that you weren't in the room for!

Steve Jobs: [after a long pause] No.

Steve Wozniak: Steve... do it! It's right, it's... it's right.

Steve Jobs: Sorry, but no.

Steve Wozniak: Then let me put it another way. I don't think there's a man who's done more to advance the democratization that comes with personal computing than I have, but you've never had any respect for me. Now why is that?

Steve Jobs: I'd at least consider the possibility that it's because you've never had any for me.

Joanna Hoffman: [suddenly walking into the auditorium] What the hell is going on here?

Steve Wozniak: [as he walks away] Nothing. Thank you for your time.

Steve Wozniak: Why has Lisa not heard of me?

Steve Jobs: Shit, man, how many fourth graders have heard of you?

Steve Wozniak: You can't write code. You're not an engineer. You're not a designer. You can't put a hammer to a nail. I built the circuit board! The graphical interface was stolen from Xerox Park! Jeff Raskin was the leader of the Mac team before you threw him off his own project! Everything-- Someone else designed the box! So how come ten times in a day I read Steve Jobs is a genius? What do you do?

Steve Jobs: [points towards the first violin chair] I play the orchestra. And you're a good musician, you sit right there, you're the best in your role.

Steve Wozniak: I came here to clear the air. Do you know why I came here?

Steve Jobs: Didn't you just answer that?

Steve Wozniak: I came here cause you're gonna get killed. Your computer's gonna fail. You got a college and university advisory board telling you they need a powerful work station for two to three thousand. You priced NeXT at 6500, and that doesn't include the optional $3000 hardrive which people will discover isn't optional, because the optical disk is too weak to do anything, and the $2500 laser printer brings the total to $12000, and in the entire world you are the only person that cares that it's housed in a perfect cube. You're gonna get killed. And I came here to stand next to you while that happens cause that's what friends do... that's what men do. I don't need your pass. We go back, so don't talk to me like I'm other people. I'm the only one that knows that this guy here is someone you invented. I'm standing by you because that perfect cube - that does nothing - is about to be the single biggest failure in the history of personal computing.

Steve Jobs: Tell me something else I don't know.

Steve Wozniak: It's not binary. You can be gifted and decent at the same time.

Steve Wozniak: [[Leonardo Da Vinci] We will know soon enough if you are ] or just think you are.

Ben Stone: I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.

Debbie: OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.

Ben Stone: Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, OK? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area. Stay in your area, stay out of my room. Back... the... fuck... off.

Ben Stone: [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Hey! What up, dawg?

Sadie: Where have you been?

Ben Stone: Oh, you know, around.

Sadie: Why is everyone so mad at you?

Ben Stone: They are? What are they saying?

Sadie: Oh, you know. "Blah, blah, blah. Ben's a fool". What's that mean?

Ben Stone: Maniac. It means Maniac.

Sadie: [nods her head and then giggles] Penis.

Jay: [at the Date-a-Palooza] What are you whining about? You asked for this shit!

Jay: Will you just quit whining like a bitch?

Jay: You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.

Jay: And after that... you on my level. Come on.

Cal: Just ask questions.

Cal: So you're gay now?

David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.

Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.

David: [smirks] You're gay for saying that.

Cal: I'm gay for saying that?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?

David: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay] You like ]. You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: [[w:Maid in Manhattan|Maid in Manhattan] You like the movie ].

Cal: You know how I know you're gay?

David: How?

Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face.

Cal: That's gay?

David: [Gets killed in video game] Goddamn it!

Andy: You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.

Cal: Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?

Andy: Yeah.

Cal: That's fucked up, man.

Andy: Why? Why?

Cal: Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.

Andy: So what?

Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.

Andy: It's all right.

Cal: [[w:The Six Million Dollar Man|Six Million Dollar Man] Is that the ]'s boss?

Andy: It's Oscar Goldman.

Cal: Why do you have that?

Andy: [[w:Steve Austin|Steve Austin] That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than ].

Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?

Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.

Cal: [[w:Asia (band)|Asia] I mean, seriously, ]? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?

Andy: They did not laugh at me.

Cal: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.

Andy: You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

Cal: [[w:Neverland Ranch|Neverland Ranch] Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in ].

Jay: Dude, are you gay?

Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.

Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.

Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys. In jail.

Cal: [after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother; [w:Murder, She Wrote|Murder, She Wrote] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching ]. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

Cal: [To Andy before he hits on Beth; [w:David Caruso|David Caruso; [w:Jade (1995 film)|Jade] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like ] in ].

Cal: [pause] Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. Probably still pretty bad though.

Cal: Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.

Cal: [about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...

Cal: [about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.

Miriam Linky: Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!

Zack: [[Rosie O'Donnell] EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate ], but if somebody said, "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid," I'd be like, "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?!

Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!

Seth Rogen: It worked!

Danny McBride: What the fuck?

James Franco: [sticks up both middle fingers] Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh...

Seth Rogen: Oh shit.

James Franco: [horrified] What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!

Danny McBride: [[w:Tom Petty|Tom Petty] I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven cause you were being petty! ]. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.

James Franco: [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose] What? NOOOOOO!

Danny McBride: [holding up James' severed nose; shrieks] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?!

James Franco: [last words] DANNY, NOOOOOO!

Danny McBride: [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay] SETH! JAY!

Jay Baruchel: Oh shit, they're running after us!

Seth Rogen: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!

Danny McBride: [last words] BRING THEM TO ME!

Seth Rogen: Fuck!

Cannibal: Get ‘em!

Cannibal 2: Got to get Rogen!

Seth Rogen: Over here! Over here, over here.

Jay Baruchel: What?

Seth Rogen: Shit, shit!

Cannibal: They’re around here somewhere.

Cannibal 2: They kept running you fucking idiots!

Seth Rogen: Shit, are they still here?

Jay Baruchel: I think they’re gone.

Seth Rogen: Are they gone?

Jay Baruchel: Oh, my God.

Seth Rogen: Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!

Jay Baruchel: That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…

Seth Rogen: Is it Vanity?

Jay Baruchel: Vanity or envy.

Seth Rogen: Is it envy or wrath?

Jay Baruchel: It’s any of them, man.

Seth Rogen: You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.

Jay Baruchel: That’s exactly what it is.

Seth Rogen: You can’t be a sore winner.

Jay Baruchel: Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. Fuck.

Jay Baruchel: [after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck] Danny?

Danny McBride: What the fuck?! You guys are still alive?!

Seth Rogen: Yeah!

Danny McBride: [tugs on his leash; On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Holy shit, I didn't expect that. Fuck out here. Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's fuckin crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.

Jay Baruchel: What does that have to do with us?

James Franco: The fuck you talking about?

Danny McBride: [laughs] I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna fucking eat your ass!

Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us! Fuck that, man!

Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-fucked this dude. See that? I fuckin slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.

Channing Tatum: Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?

James Franco: That's Channing Tatum!

Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?!

Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum.

James Franco: Hardcore, man.

Danny McBride: I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.

James Franco: All right, Seth…

Danny McBride:: Fucking roll over.

James Franco: I’m gonna create a diversion…

Seth Rogen: Yeah.

James Franco: …you and Jay make a run for it.

Seth Rogen: What? Danny’s gonna eat you!

James Franco: Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.

Danny McBride: Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing fucking Tatum, dawg!

Channing Tatum: I love him.

Danny McBride: [[w:G.I. Joe|G.I. Joe; laughs] That’s fucking ], dude. He fucking loves me.

Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!

Danny McBride: I’d love to catch up, but we’re fucking starving, so… LET’S EAT!

James Franco: FUCK YOU!

Jay Baruchel: [trying to perform an exorcism] The power of Christ compels you!

Jonah Hill: [possessed] Guess what? It's not that compelling.

Seth Rogen: Jay, are you serious right now? That’s your fucking plan? You gonna repeat line from The Exorcist?

Seth Rogen: [discussing the apocalypse; Jay nods in agreement] This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who fucking saw that coming that there's actually a God?

Jay Baruchel: I-I'd say 95% of the planet.

Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.

Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ"?

Craig Robinson: Yes.

Seth Rogen: Why? Why can't I say that?

Craig Robinson: One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".

Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.

Craig Robinson: Jesus, God. It's all the same.

Jay Baruchel: It's the trinity.

Seth Rogen: Jesus...

Craig Robinson: Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.

Seth Rogen: I don't even know what the fucking Commandments are.

James Franco: Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.

Seth Rogen: I'm good.

James Franco: We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!

Jay Baruchel: Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.

James Franco: It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.

Craig Robinson: Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.

Seth Rogen: Oh.

Craig Robinson: You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.

Seth Rogen: [whispering] I think God might've just fucked up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!

Craig Robinson: It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.

James Franco: Wh-Why you so sure?

Craig Robinson: [sighs] I've- I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.

Jay Baruchel: What the?

Seth Rogen: Oh, fuck off.

James Franco: Craig.

Craig Robinson: Well I was a kid, man, it was a fuckin bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I fuckin called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...

Craig Robinson: And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, fuck it. And I went for the second one.

Craig Robinson: It was fucked up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.

James Franco: [[w:Lindsay Lohan|Lindsay Lohan; [w:Chateau Marmont|Chateau Marmont] I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I fucked ]. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the ], she kept banging on my door.

James Franco: [[w:Jake Gyllenhaal|Jake Gyllenhaal] She kept calling me ].

Seth Rogen: That's fucked up.

James Franco: Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".

Craig Robinson: [sighs] See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... It's time to pay the piper.

Seth Rogen: Whoa.

James Franco: [whispers; lights lighter] Oh, shit! Something's wrong! God did this. He gave us light, and then he took it away.

Jay Baruchel: You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.

Craig Robinson: [worried about Jonah, whispering] Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.

Jay Baruchel: [blows out lighter] I know what we can do.

Danny McBride: Thank you, James. It means a lot to you, and I appreciate that you’d give this to me. Stupid. Stupid motherfucker!

James Franco: Fucking psychopath!

Danny McBride: What the...?

James Franco: [takes the revolver back] It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?

Danny McBride: You were gonna send me out there with a fucking gun filled with blanks?

Seth Rogen: Oh, fuck you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you fucking dickhead!

James Franco: Fucking murdering motherfucker!

Danny McBride: Whatever. Fucking civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so fucking high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious fucking nerd.

James Franco: Fuck you.

Danny McBride: [Jonah glares at him offensively] Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.

Craig Robinson: Bro.

Danny McBride: Seth... you duplicitous taint.

Seth Rogen: What?

Danny McBride: And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.

Jay Baruchel: What the fuck are you talking about?

Danny McBride: I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.

Jay Baruchel: No, no, no, no. That-that's fucking twisting that shit around, you're fucking lying.

Danny McBride: Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.

Craig Robinson: Ooh! Jay.

Seth Rogen: Fuck, man.

Danny McBride: [opens his hands like a book and closes them] It's not, it's textbook twattage. And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back in. Don't be cocky.

Danny McBride: This how you all feel?

Seth Rogen: We talked about it.

Danny McBride: You guys are gonna vote me off the island? I mean, I made you guys breakfast.

James Franco: Oh, shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that.

Danny McBride: Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys. Just to apologize for my behavior at the party. Party I wasn’t even invited to. I’m not an idiot. I know why you guys don’t fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It’s because I party so fucking hard. Always have, ever since I was a baby, I wouldn’t just suck on my mama’s titties, I would fuckin’ bang them and motorboat them. Everything I’ve been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I’ve just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.

James Franco: I’m sorry, all right? You can cum wherever you want.

Danny McBride: I don’t even care about cumming anymore. Right now, I’m just kind of into going.

Seth Rogen: That is so fucking good.

James Franco: The two heroes over here breaking through the floor.

Seth Rogen: We did break through the floor.

Jay Baruchel: Any of you guys would have done the same thing.

Seth Rogen: Oh, man, that fucking hurt.

Jay Baruchel: Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again.

Seth Rogen: I think I did.

Jonah Hill: Hey, what year is this?

Jay Baruchel: 19…

Seth Rogen: That’s a good… That’s a good year.

Craig Robinson: [turns his attention to McBride about to pour water] Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin?!

Danny McBride: [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim] What am I doing?

Seth Rogen: Fuck, man!

Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!

Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.

Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.

James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.

Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the fuck is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.

Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.

Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] I just think that everybody should have the fucking same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONAH!

James Franco: You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.

Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fuckin punch line.

James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!

Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.

Seth Rogen: Good.

James Franco: Alright.

Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY FUCKING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!

James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.

James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?!

Seth Rogen: Did what, what are you talking about?

James Franco: [holds up his jizzed porn magazine] Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?

Seth Rogen: No.

James Franco: No?

Danny McBride: [raises his hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin made jizz in your magazine.

James Franco: What?!

Danny McBride: When I fuckin jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?

James Franco: Real fucking smart answer! Why don't you fucking aim, huh?!

Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a fuckin wild fireman's hose, she's gonna grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth!

James Franco: The fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a fucking sock or on a fuckin tissue?!

Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers. I was raised in a house of women!

James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin taught you to fuckin close your eyes and fuckin cum wherever you want!

Danny McBride: [[w:Buck Rogers|Buck Rogers; [w:iPad|iPad] I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?! Welcome to the 21st century, ]! You designed a house with fucking ]s in the walls! Yet, you're jerkin your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!

James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin read!

Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerked off in here? I've been dropping loads around this fuckin house like a goddamn dump truck.

James Franco: YOU DON'T CUM ON MY STUFF!

Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James. I'll fuckin cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin art, I'LL CUM ANYWHERE I WANT!

James Franco: I will fuckin cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin madman all over you, McBride!

Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin wish you'd cum on me right now, I fuckin DARE YOU TO CUM ON ME!

Danny McBride: [Grabbing a baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin hard in here!

James Franco: This, no more, man, all over your fuckin face!

Danny McBride: All over the fuckin floor, all over the fuckin place! I'll fuckin cum anywhere I want, I'll fuckin cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin cabinets, on the fuckin furniture, I'LL CUM EVERYWHERE!

James Franco: [points his revolver] If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fucking shoot it off!

Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!

James Franco: [waving his revolver] No fuckin jerking off in my house, McBride!

Seth Rogen: Come on, man.

Danny McBride: Fuck this. It's just I'm too thirsty to do this, and the fuckin bitter irony is I'm not gonna have my thirst quenched until I finish this. I give up.

Seth Rogen: Danny, no. Don't walk away. Danny, don't walk away from me!

Danny McBride: It's too late, Seth. I've already walked away too much.

Seth Rogen: No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fuckin turn around and come back and help me. Danny? Daniel?

Emma Watson: [Holding an axe] Back the fuck up!

James Franco: Emma, what's wrong?

Seth Rogen: W-W-W-What's wrong?

Emma Watson: What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.

All: No! No, no, no, no!

Seth Rogen: [Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe] I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... OH!

Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!

Emma Watson: [swishes her axe around] BACK UP!

Jonah Hill: It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...

Emma Watson: GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!

Seth Rogen: There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!

Emma Watson: [chops off a fake penis using her axe] I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND!

Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS!

James Franco: Okay!

Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Danny McBride: Oh, God!

Craig Robinson: PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Emma Watson: HURRY THE FUCK UP!

Jay Baruchel: Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!

Craig Robinson: Don't give the Milky Way away!

Jay Baruchel: Put the axe down now!

Danny McBride: Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!

James Franco: [to Danny; to Emma] I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there.

Danny McBride: [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione] ] just stole all of our shit.

Craig Robinson: Little bitty ass, um, 20-year-old jacked us.

Danny McBride: Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.

Jay Baruchel: I didn't... I was just... I...

Danny McBride: I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.

Craig Robinson: So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.

James Franco: [after sending [[w:Emma Watson|Emma Watson] ] to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here?

Seth Rogen: Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want.

James Franco: That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven.

Danny McBride: [[w: Harry Potter|Harry Potter] This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive ] fan.

James Franco: What?

Danny McBride: [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter] Yes. I love fucking ]. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures.

James Franco: [[w:Dumble Dore|Dumble Dore] Take it easy, ].

Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco: That's racist.

Jay Baruchel: I wasn’t referring to him. I was referring to the issue that’s on all of our minds.

James Franco: What?

Jay Baruchel: This is one girl in a house with six males.

James Franco: Real safe.

Seth Rogen: Ideal scenario.

Craig Robinson: She’s like a little sister.

Jay Baruchel: I think that she needs… It’s important that she feels safe. And comfortable. And we should be mindful.

Craig Robinson: Who’s making her not feel safe?

Jay Baruchel: Well, I’m just saying we should… We don’t wanna give off a bad vibe.

James Franco: Vibes? I ain’t got no vibes.

Seth Rogen: Wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?

Danny McBride: He’s talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.

All: Whoa!

Craig Robinson: Jesus.

James Franco: Jay, what the fuck, man?

Seth Rogen: Chill out dude.

James Franco: Why you putting that shit in the mix?

Jay Baruchel: He fucking said it!

Danny McBride: You’re the one saying it. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.

James Franco: Well, you talking about vibes is the only thing that’s rapey going on right now.

Seth Rogen: Dude, nothing was rapey until you brought up the rapey vibe.

James Franco: Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.

Seth Rogen: True that, dude.

James Franco: One who denies it supplies it.

Jay Baruchel: I know, it’s farts, I get it.

Jonah Hill: Guys, guys, guys. Jay’s not rapey. Jay couldn’t rape a fly.

Seth Rogen: He probably could.

Craig Robinson: Maybe we should stop this entire conversation right now.

James Franco: If anyone’s gonna rape anyone here, it’s probably gonna be Danny.

Danny McBride: What the fuck, Franco?

James Franco: What?

Danny McBride: Why do you think I’m gonna rape somebody?

James Franco: I’m just trying to lay it out here.

Danny McBride: I’m not gonna rape anyone, all right? If anyone’s gonna rape somebody, it’s Jay. He came up with the rape idea and his face looks like the police sketch of a fucking rapist.

James Franco: True.

Jay Baruchel: What the fuck does that mean?

Danny McBride: If anybody’s raping Emma Watson, it’s fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.

James Franco: Earthquakes cause tsunamis.

Seth Rogen: Yes.

James Franco: Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.

Danny McBride: I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.

Seth Rogen: Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.

Jonah Hill: Sinkhole de Mayo.

Seth Rogen: Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.

Craig Robinson: Let’s hear it.

Jay Baruchel: I think it’s the Apocalypse.

James Franco: What?

Jay Baruchel: [holds up a Bible] I’m serious, boys. It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.

James Franco: You took my Bible?

Jay Baruchel: [starts reading the Bible] Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.

Craig Robinson: The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.

James Franco: Coldwater.

Seth Rogen: I take Laurel Canyon.

Jonah Hill: Cahuegna.

Danny McBride: I usually cup down Barham.

Jay Baruchel: Boys, can I just fricking finish?

Craig Robinson: I love Laurel Canyon.

Jay Baruchel: [continues reading] “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”

Craig Robinson: [[Where the Wild Things Are] I love that dude. He’s from ].

James Franco: It’s a load of bullshit.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not bullshit.

James Franco: You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.

Craig Robinson: I’m straight-up lovable, son.

James Franco: And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Danny McBride: Franco! Good morning, sunshine!

James Franco: Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food!

Jonah Hill: Danny!

Danny McBride: No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys!

Seth Rogen: Stop eating!

Jay Baruchel: Don’t eat another piece of bacon!

Danny McBride: [[w:Green Goblin|Green Goblin] Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the ] can fucking afford some more bacon.

Craig Robinson: Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!

Danny McBride: Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.

Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!

Danny McBride: James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.

Seth Rogen: Do you actually not know what happened last night?

Jonah Hill: Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.

Danny McBride: Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities.

Craig Robinson: [[w:Jason Segel|Segel; [w:David Krumholtz|Krumholtz] Dude, ]’s dead, ] is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.

Danny McBride: [laughing] Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh?

Jay Baruchel: Jesus, Danny!

Danny McBride: Michael Cera’s dead.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not like that.

James Franco: It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.

Danny McBride: [[The Green Hornet (film)|Green Hornet] Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in ], huh? Jonah, you’re fucking sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities.

Jonah Hill: Fatalities.

Danny McBride: Okay, now that was good. That was good.

Seth Rogen: Does it seem like we’re fucking joking?

Seth Rogen: [after the group inventories the remaining food] Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this?

Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

Jay Baruchel: That's weird.

James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.

Jonah Hill: Guys.

Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

James Franco: [To Craig] I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.

Craig Robinson: I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.

James Franco: I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.

Craig Robinson: You couldn't handle my midriff.

Jonah Hill: Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.

Jay Baruchel: For fuck's sake.

Jonah Hill: No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.

Jay Baruchel: What?

James Franco: Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?

Seth Rogen: One finger scoop of Nutella.

Jonah Hill: Fair.

James Franco: I’m going to bed.

Jay Baruchel: Jesus fucking…

James Franco: Don’t touch that Milky Way, Jonah.

Jonah Hill: Night, James.

Seth Rogen: [taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house; [w:Nutella|Nutella; [w:Cinnamon Toast Crunch|C.T. Crunch; [w:Milky Way (chocolate bar)|Milky Way; [w:Sour Diesel|Sour Diesel] We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, ], cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, ], milk, ketchup, a ], a half-ounce of ], 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.

James Franco: [correcting Seth; [127 Hours] ].

Seth Rogen: [[127 Hours; [Flyboys] Uh... ], and a functioning revolver from the movie ].

James Franco: [picks up the gun''] Old faithful.

Jay Baruchel: Jesus.

James Franco: Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.

Seth Rogen: Yeah.

James Franco: This is an actual revolver.

Seth Rogen: I see, yeah.

Craig Robinson: Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?

James Franco: Loaded.

Jonah Hill: Love it.

Jay Baruchel: Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?

James Franco: I always keep my props.

Jay Baruchel: That’s really cool.

James Franco: Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.

Jonah Hill: He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.

James Franco: It’s real. It’s heavy.

Jonah Hill: Let me see it like that.

Craig Robinson: Goddamn!

Seth Rogen: Come on, guys! You could kill…

James Franco: Careful.

Jonah Hill: [pretends to shoot it] Bang, bang!

Jay Baruchel: Jesus!

Seth Rogen: Please put it down!

Jay Baruchel: Oh, fuck!

Jonah Hill: Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!

Jay Baruchel: I hope you’re fucking happy.

Jonah Hill: Pow, pow, pow!

Seth Rogen: Stop- Guys, stop fucking with the gun!

Jay Baruchel: Jesus. Jesus!

Jonah Hill: Pow! Pow! Bang!

Seth Rogen: It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.

Jonah Hill: Guys, it’s funny.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.

Jonah Hill: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.

All: No!

Seth Rogen: Don’t do that Jonah!

Jay Baruchel: Jesus!

James Franco: Jonah, give it back.

Jonah Hill: [puts the gun in his mouth] I don’t know! I don’t know!

James Franco: Don’t do that!

Seth Rogen: Oh, dude!

Jay Baruchel: Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!

Craig Robinson: Would you put the thing down?!

Jonah Hill: The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.

Seth Rogen: You okay, man?

Jay Baruchel: No, it’s nothing, it’s just, you know, as soon as we got there, you did what you said you wouldn’t do.

Seth Rogen: What did I do?

Jay Baruchel: You just fucking ditched my ass.

Seth Rogen: I didn’t ditch you. Are you kidding me? I did not ditch you. I was talking to Jonah and then you left to go have a cigarette.

Jay Baruchel: Well, you know, my cigarette was an excuse. I really went outside cause Jonah was being a prick.

Seth Rogen: Jonah was not being a prick. If anything, you were kind of being a prick. Jonah’s the nicest guy ever.

Jay Baruchel: Oh, my God, that’s a thin veneer of kindness. Nobody’s that nice.

Seth Rogen: Jonah is that nice.

Jay Baurchel: Serial killers are that nice.

Seth Rogen: [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera] Just answer me one question: Is ]'s butthole as adorable as I pictured?

Jay Baruchel: Oh, for fuck's sake...

Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

Micheal Cera: [drunken to the crowd; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Starr MARTIN] ALRIGHT Everybody listen up, listen up!! Who took my FUCKING CELL PHONE, MAN?!?! , EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!!!

Martin Starr: What?!

Micheal Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man, somebody dial my phone, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!!! It's UNACCEPTABLE after all the coke I've WASTED on you people! I've THROWN AWAY!!!

Martin Starr: I didn't take your fucking cell phone!

Micheal Cera: THREE-ONE-ZERO-NINE...!!

Seth Rogen: Woah, woah! Mike! Mike! MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!!!!

David Krumholtz: MY FACE!!!

Micheal Cera: What's happening to me?! What's happening?!

Seth Rogen: MICHEAL, COME BACK!!!

Micheal Cera: [Sobbing in pain and humiliation] Oh shit, that's embarrassing!

Father: Excuse me, would it be possible for my daughter to use your restroom? She's really got to go.

Cashier: Read the sign. Customers only.

Father: Seriously?

Cashier: Why the fuck you think I put up the sign?

Daughter: It's okay, Dad. I can hold it.

Father: Let's just buy something for your mother.

Seth Rogen: (watching the conversation) This cash register lady is mean! I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me? (Shows Jay a Milky Way) When I'm stoned, I can't do this.

Jay Baruchel: I think I'm just gonna head back to your place. I'm not really liking it very much over there at Franco's.

Seth Rogen: Dude, I want you to get to know these guys. That's never gonna happen if you don't put in any effort whatsoever, okay?

Jay Baruchel: I hate it in there. I just want to drink some pop and smoke some weed...

Seth Rogen: Are you okay?

Cashier: (freaking out) DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL...

Jay Baruchel: OH MY GOD!! JESUS!! JESUS!!!

Seth Rogen: Oh my god, run! RUN! This way!!

Jay Baruchel: Jesus, okay! Okay! AAGGH!!!

Seth Rogen: OH SHIT!!

Jay Baruchel: OH MY GOD!!

Jay Baruchel: JESUS CHRIST, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING ME DOWN HERE?!?!

Seth Rogen: GAAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, SHIT SHIT!!!

Seth Rogen: We're going back to Franco's!!

Jay Baruchel: WHY?!

Seth Rogen: Just trust me, keep running!

Jay Baruchel: [Reacting to the crash] OH MY FUCK!!!

Seth Rogen: WE ARE GOING BACK TO FRANCO'S!!

Jay Baruchel: Oh, goddamnit!!

Seth Rogen: This place is beautiful, man.

James Franco: This place is like a piece of me. You two just stepped inside of me.

Seth Rogen: You let us both cum inside you. Yeah.

James Franco: [shows Seth the painting on the wall] Icing on the cake. Check it out. Painted them myself.

Seth Rogen: Huh!

James Franco: Side by side. A team.

Seth Rogen: Holy shit.

James Franco: So, is it weird?

Seth Rogen: No.

James Franco: You sure?

Seth Rogen: I really like it.

James Franco: What do you think, Jay?

Jay Baruchel: I’m not a big art guy.

James Franco: You don’t like art?

Jay Baruchel: Well, come on.

James Franco: You play video games?

Jay Baruchel: Yes.

James Franco: Well, guess what, buddy? You like art.

Jay Baruchel: Yep.

James Franco: You ever been to Subway?

Jay Baruchel: Yes.

James Franco: You order a sandwich? Somebody put that together for you, dude. That’s art.

Seth Rogen: Sandwich artist.

James Franco: So let me lay this on you, Jay.

Jay Baruchel: Oh, fuck…

James Franco: Your mama's pussy was the canvas, your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art, huh?

Jay Baruchel: Thanks, James Franco.

James Franco: You got it.

Jay Baruchel: [[w:Carl’s Jr.|Carl’s Jr.] All right, I’ve landed, I’m here, we’ve said our hellos. Can we please go to fucking ]?

Seth Rogen: Uh… I would… I would love to, I’m on a… I can’t really eat that stuff right now. I’m on a, uh… I’m on this cleanse.

Jay Baruchel: You’re on a what?

Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse.

Seth Rogen: It’s good for you. I didn’t know— You’re supposed to take shits a day.

Jay Baruchel: That’s not true.

Seth Rogen: It is true.

Jay Baruchel: You’re supposed to shit twice a day.

Seth Rogen: No. That’s not true. That’s what they used to think. Now they know you’re supposed to shit six times a day.

Jay Baruchel: So, you’re not drinking, you’re not smoking weed? You’re not…

Seth Rogen: Oh, no, no. I’m drinking, I’m smoking weed.

Jay Baruchel: But…

Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse, I’m not psychotic. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you’d feel way fucking better all day. Whenever you feel shitty, that’s cause of gluten.

Jay Baruchel: That’s not true. Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten?

Seth Rogen: It’s just true.

Jay Baruchel: You don’t even know what gluten is.

Seth Rogen: I know what fucking gluten is.

Jay Baruchel: No, you have no idea what gluten is.

Seth Rogen: I do know what gluten is. Gluten’s a vague term. It’s, it’s like something that’s used to categorize things that are bad, you know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten.

Jay Baruchel: Somebody just told you, you probably shouldn’t eat gluten, you’re like, “Oh, I guess I shouldn’t eat gluten.”

Seth Rogen: Gluten means bad shit, man, and I’m not eating it.

Seth Rogen: Hmm! Oh, God! Each bite is better than the previous bite.

Jay Baruchel: It is.

Seth Rogen: Gluten!

Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?

Officer Michaels: It is...awesome! I mean, I've only had mine for like a few months, but I'll tell you, it's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

Officer Michaels: Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?

Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about...but the "coming".

Officer Michaels: You know, this job, though, isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!

Officer Slater: Yup.

Officer Michaels: If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier.

Officer Slater: Hell yeah!

Officer Michaels: I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.

Officer Slater: I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.

Officer Michaels: Could smell it out like a rat.

Officer Slater: Smell it out. Anything.

Officer Michaels: Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him.

Officer Slater: No way.

Officer Michaels: Just punched you in the face. No semen.

Officer Slater: Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.

Officer Michaels: Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.

Officer Slater: I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make, you know, live in a world of semen.

Officer Michaels: We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.

Officer Michaels: [Breaking up a party] I assume you all have guns and crack... Okay, everyone! Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!