Wayne KnightQuotes

Pete Dugan: Same thing happened to me once. Two years ago. This mailman in Lawndale freaked out, chopped up his entire family with a hedge trimmer.

Pete Dugan: You don't have to worry about forgetting her name... she's already forgotten it for you!

Suzanne Stone: Good evening, from the WWEN Weather Center!

Ed Grant: [to himself, confused] Weather Center?

Charles Barkley: [Sits down] Guys...we suck.

Larry Johnson: Yeah, man. My grandmother played better than I do.

Muggsy Bogues: At least you guys are still tall. I'm nothing now. Just another short guy.

Charles Barkley: You got that right.

Larry Johnson: That's the only thing that's right.

Patrick Ewing: Who's that?

Larry Johnson: Who's that?

Muggsy Bogues: I don't know.

Michael Jordan: Been getting your butts kicked, haven't you?

Muggsy Bogues: Who's that?

Charles Barkley: It's Mike.

Muggsy Bogues: What's up?

Patrick Ewing: Hey, man. What you doing here?

Michael Jordan: Don't be embarrassed. Just face it. You guys stink.

Larry Johnson: Come on, Mike, lighten up.

Michael Jordan: I know, and you want your games back, huh? What little games you had to begin with.

Shawn Bradley: It's hard enough as it is, Mike.

Charles Barkley: Come on, give us a break.

Michael Jordan: I'm gonna regret this. Stan, give me the ball.

Larry Johnson: Look at that.

Muggsy Bogues: [[w:List of Star Trek films|Star Trek] Look like something from ].

Michael Jordan: Touch it.

Shawn Bradley: [Shaking his head] No way. Jose.

Michael Jordan: Pat, you want your talent back? You don't have any other choice. Just touch it.

Patrick Ewing: I don't know, man.

Larry Johnson: Don't touch that, man.

Michael Jordan: Okay, you're gonna walk around wit a bad game for the rest of your career. Touch the ball.

Shawn Bradley: Be careful, Pat. We've tried everything else.

Patrick Ewing: Thank goodness.

Michael Jordan: Come on, Charles. Touch it. The rest of you guys. Just touch it.

Larry Johnson: Oh, man!

Charles Barkley: What was that?

Muggsy Bogues: [Dribbling the ball and doing the "rock"] Hey. Hey, I caught it!

Patrick Ewing: Hey, look at Muggsy handle the rock. Handle it, baby.

Muggsy Bogues: [Passes the ball to Larry] I can handle that rock again!

Larry Johnson: That's the old Muggs I know.

Patrick Ewing: [Larry slam dunks the ball] Yeah, get height now. Yeah!

Larry Johnson: It gave me my powers back!

Charles Barkley: [Takes the ball] That wasn't bad. Let me show you something.

Larry Johnson: [Charles slam dunks the ball] Let me see. Whoo!

Patrick Ewing: [Takes the ball; Slam dunks the ball] The Round Mound is back. You wanna see something? Oh, man that felt good.

Shawn Bradley: [Slam dunks the ball] I got it.

Muggsy Bogues: You got it. Yeah, baby.

Charles Barkley: Hey, Michael. Why don't you stay? Play some 3-on-3 with us.

Michael Jordan: No. I don't think so.

Charles Barkley: What are you gonna do, work on that baseball swing?

Patrick Ewing: Now leave the baseball player alone, man. You know he doesn't play basketball anymore.

Shawn Bradley: You know, he probably doesn't even have it anymore, guys.

Stan Podolak: Michael, do you hear them? They don't think you can play the game anymore.

Michael Jordan: There's only one way to find out.

Announcer on P.A.: The Chicago Bulls welcome back... Michael Jordan!

Larry Bird: [concerned] What's the matter, Bill?

Bill Murray: Larry, that could've been me.

Larry Bird: Will you get off that kick? It's over. It's done with. You can't play.

Bill Murray: [Voice breaking] Okay. Let's go Bulls!

Michael Jordan: [Proudly] Had it in you all the time, didn't you?

Monstars: Aww.

Michael Jordan: [To Bugs; Bugs passes the ball to him and Michael turns back to the Monstars] One thing, though. Pass me the ball, Bugs. You gotta give my friends their talent back.

Monstars: [Shocked] What?

Pound: [sadly; Shrugging] Do we have to?

Michael Jordan: [Nodding] Yeah, it's part of the deal, touch the ball.

Monstars: [Disappointed; They sadly look at each other; they don't know what to say but they know they can't keep the talent forever, so they decide to return it.] Aww.

Bupkus: [Sighing sadly; Places his hand on the ball while Bang and Blanko place their hands on the ball.] Oh, okay.

Blanko: [Pound places his hand on the ball touching Michael's fingers while Nawt looks for an empty spot.] Uh, fair is fair.

Michael Jordan: [Nawt places his hand on the ball.] There you go. Touch it.

Bupkus: That was so much fun.

Bang: [sadly] I feel so... insignificant.

Pound: [Frowning, while looking at his jersey] My clothes don't fit.

Nawt: What a trip.

Blanko: [Chuckling] I'm up for another one.

Pound: [Sweetly, walking up to Bugs] Can we ask you a favor, Mr. Bunny? We don't wanna go back to Moron Mountain.

Bang: We hate it up there.

Nawt: [Showing a thumbs down] It stinks.

Blanko: Um, I was thinking, could we stay here with you?

Nerdlucks: [Sweetly and showing friendly smiles] Please?

Daffy Duck: [Rolling his eyes] Oh, brother.

Bugs Bunny: Eh, I don't know if you guys are looney enough.

Bang: [Shocked] Looney enough?!

Stan Podolak: Michael! Michael! Do you know what time it is?

Porky Pig: [Looks at his watches] Er, 7:15, er, 7:15, er- quarter past seven.

Stan Podolak: Exactly. You've got a baseball game in 5 minutes.

Michael Jordan: [Hands him the ball] Okay. Take this.

Stan Podolak: [Looks at the ball] Is it safe?

Michael Jordan: Yeah. Put it in my bag.

Michael Jordan: I really enjoyed playing wit you guys. You guys got a lot of, uh...

Looney Tunes: Huh?

Michael Jordan: A-a lot of, uh...

Looney Tunes: Yes?

Michael Jordan: Well, whatever it is, you got a lot of it.

Michael Jordan: All right, gotta go. Bugs?

Bugs Bunny: Eh, Mike?

Michael Jordan: [Walks away] Stay out of trouble.

Bugs Bunny: [To Lola; Lola giggling] You know I will. Come here!

Barons Manager: The delay is killing us. Where is Michael?

Juanita Jordan: Where is Michael?

Jeffrey Jordan: Oh. He's not back from his other game.

Juanita Jordan: What other game?

Jasmine Jordan: [looking at Jeff with her finger to her mouth] Shh!

Juanita Jordan: Uh-uh. What other game?

Stan Podolak: [Speaks through the bullhorn; The teams come to see] Ladies and gentlemen! Michael Jordan!

Pound: Feeding time, boys!

Porky Pig: [Stuttering fearfully; Bang and Bupkus butt-slammed Porky, making him flat.] Ya, gee--

Pound: [Stepping on Sylvester who has the ball] Goodbye!

Bupkus: [Hitting Tweety] Fore!

Daffy Duck: [Dizzy] But, mommy, I don't want to go to school today.

Daffy Duck: [Hugging Bupkus's face] I want to stay home and bake cookies with you!

Pound: [Chuckling; Jumps off] This is gonna be fun.

Lola Bunny: I'm open, I'm open.

Bugs Bunny: Lola, Lola, heads up!

Pound: Belly flop!

Bugs Bunny: [Bugs pushes Lola out of the way, and he gets crushed instead. Lola rolls around and drops on the ground. As she gets up, she looks and feels shocked seeing Bugs crushed by Pound.] Look out!

Lola Bunny: [Gasps; Crowd gasps in horror and she screams and runs to Pound.] Oh, my! Bugs! Bugs!

Pound: [Mockingly; Gets off Bugs and walks away chuckling] Is this your man?

Lola Bunny: [Worried] Are you okay?

Bugs Bunny: Me? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Are you okay?

Lola Bunny: [Smiling] Oh, Bugs... thank you.

Bugs Bunny: Aw, it was nothing.

Lola Bunny: [Kisses Bugs and walks away leaving Bugs blushing with awe and hearts in his eyes.] That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Michael Jordan: Time-out.

Elmer Fudd: [feeling dizzy] The Monstars. The Monstars.

Witch Hazel: [The pads shock Taz and he twitches around. There are words on his chest that say, "Eat at Joe's".] Clear!

Michael Jordan: Okay, we need a fifth player.

Daffy Duck: [Flexing his muscles then deflates] Hey, coach, listen. You got any more of that secret stuff? I think it's starting to wear off.

Michael Jordan: It didn't wear off. It was just water. You guys had the special stuff inside of you all along.

Daffy Duck: [Nodding] Yeah, yeah, I knew that. But listen, you got any more?

Lola Bunny: Yeah, I'll take double.

Porky Pig: [Beaky Buzzard who is bandaged nods to Michael] Er, can I have some too?

Michael Jordan: Stan?

Stan Podolak: Yeah? Uh, me?

Michael Jordan: [Stan smiles and chuckles happily] You're in at center. Just guard the big guy, okay?

Stan Podolak: [Taking off his jacket; he falls down] Guard him? Guard him? I'll smother him! I'll be all over him like a cheap suit! I'll be on him like stink on rice! I tell you; he's going down!

Stan Podolak: [Calling to Michael; Michael throws the ball to Stan] Michael, over here. Over here, over here, I'm open, I'm open!

Michael Jordan: [The crowd cheered] Yes!

Nerdluck Slave: [Cheering; Swackhammer slams his hand down to the Nerdluck and he is not happy about it.] Ha ha! Nice shot!

Pound: [Getting off Stan as the others get off] Big man pancake!

Blanko: [The Monstars walk away from Stan who is flat as a pancake] Hey, no fair.

Bugs, Lola, Daffy: Ooh!

Little Medical Dog: Let's get him outta here!

Lola Bunny: [Disgusted, holding her nose; The Nerdluck slaves groan in disgust] Eww!

Pepe Le Pew: [Putting a clothes pin on his nose] Oh, my.

Michael Jordan: How'd he do that?

Bugs Bunny: [Grabbing Daffy's neck] Aw, anybody could do dat, doc. Even you. Watch dis.

Daffy Duck: [Choking; Bugs stretches Daffy's neck] Watch what? See? No sweat. This is Looney Tune Land.

Michael Jordan: Ten seconds to go? Thanks for telling me... doc.

Marvin the Martian: [Worried] I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Your Airness, but if you don't find a fifth player, your team will forfeit the game.

Michael Jordan: Forfeit?

Marvin the Martian: [Nodding] Precisely, Sir Altitude.

Michael Jordan: No way. We'll find someone.

Swackhammer: [Surprised; jumping from his seat; [Dan Aykroyd] Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't know ] was in this picture.

Bill Murray: [pops up near the end of the game] Hey! Perhaps I could be of some assistance.

Bill Murray: All right.

Michael Jordan: All right, we need to score two points...

Bill Murray: [To Daffy; [w:Daffy Duck|Duck] Here's how I see it. ]?

Daffy Duck: Yes.

Bill Murray: [[w:Lola Bunny|the girl bunny] You kick it in to ] down in the post.

Lola Bunny: Yeah?

Bill Murray: [to Lola; [w:Bugs Bunny|the guy bunny] You dish it back out to ].

Lola Bunny: [Seriously] Got it!

Bill Murray: You swing it to Mike over here. You go to the hole and dominate.

Michael Jordan: Bill, we on defense.

Bugs Bunny: [Agreeing with Michael] Oh, yeah.

Bill Murray: Whoa, ho, ho! I don't play defense.

Michael Jordan: Typical.

Bill Murray: All right. You're gonna have to listen to Mike on this, guys. Listen up.

Michael Jordan: Somebody steal the ball, get it to me, and I'll score before the time runs out.

Bill Murray: [stacks hands with the team] Don't lose that confidence. OK! Paws and wings in here! All right!

Bill Murray: This is why I was born. I thrive on pressure.

Daffy Duck: [Tugging Bill's shorts] Excuse me. Uh, sorry.

Bill Murray: Yo, yo. Easy on the trousers, Daf. Easy, man.

Daffy Duck: Pardon me. Um, Mr. Murray, something's really been bugging me.

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Daffy Duck: [Pound stops to look at Bill Murray] Just how did you get here anyway?

Bill Murray: [[w:Ivan Reitman|Producer's; Pound rolls his eyes while listening, he growls and shakes his head in annoyance] ] a friend of mine. Just had a teamster come and drop me off, you know.

Daffy Duck: Uh-huh. Well, that's how it goes.

Bill Murray: [Sees Pound making a face and chuckling rudely at Lola] You see this uh, kinda chunky fellow over here?

Daffy Duck: [Sees Pound and nods his head] Uh-huh.

Daffy Duck: Ooh. Ooh, that's good. Oh, yes.

Bill Murray: All right. Let's do it. You the duck.

Pound: [Catching the ball and exclaiming, Bugs is riding a moped and dressed like a mailman.] Open!

Bugs: [Stealing the ball] Coming through!

Pound: [Surprised] Whoa!

Michael Jordan: [Running while Nawt runs after him; Bugs stops and holds the ball] Bugs!

Bugs Bunny: [Throwing the ball to Michael] Special delivery!

Swackhammer: [Sees the scoreboard and gets grumpy] No! Boo!

Bugs Bunny: [Wile E. smiles] Eh, nice kaboom, Wile E.

Pound: [To Nawt and Bang; Running to the hoop] Let's teach them a lesson.

Pound: [Covering his shorts with his jersey; Smiling and blushing with embarrassment] Hey! What--

Lola Bunny: [Taunting Pound] Nice butt!

Porky Pig: Er, going up.

Pound: [Porky slams the ball into the hoop and Pound gets hit in the face with the ball] You're mine, boy.

Granny: Slam me!

Stan Podolak: [Slapping her left hand; Granny falls from the bench] Yeah! How's that?

Pepe Le Pew: [Chuckles] Hello! A little surprise for you, my friends.

Pepe Le Pew: [Chuckling and kissing the ball into the hoop; The score is now Monstars 68, TuneSquad 62 with 5:01 left on the clock] Two points.

Swackhammer: [Furiously] Dang!

Daffy Duck: [Painting Pound's shorts red] Ooh, this will be good.

Crowd: Olé!

Bang: Okay, birdie.

Tweety: [The Monstars show him their teeth about to hurt him] Uh-oh.

Michael Jordan: Yes!

Swackhammer: [Fed up, shouting; The score is now Monstars 68, TuneSquad 66 in the 4th period with 4:32 left in the game] Time out!

Swackhammer: [Grabbing Marvin] Shut up, you little bug. Get away from me. Pow-wow.

Michael Jordan: All right guys, We're right back in this game. Come on now. Let's play some tough defense.

Swackhammer: [Furiously to the Monstars, pointing at Michael] Why didn't you get this guy?

Bupkus: He's a baseball player.

Nawt: [Agreeing with Bupkus] Yeah, boss, a baseball player.

Swackhammer: [Dryly] Looks like a basketball player to me!

Blanko: Yeah, me too.

Swackhammer: [Shushing Blanko] He's the one I want for Moron Mountain!

Michael Jordan: [Angrily; This got Swackhammer's attention and turns to face him.] Hey!

Swackhammer: Are you talking to me?

Michael Jordan: Yeah, I'm talking to you. You want a piece of me? Come and get it.

Bupkus: [Smirking] Uh-oh.

Swackhammer: What did ya have in mind?

Michael Jordan: What about we raise the stakes a little bit?

Swackhammer: [Puffing on his cigar] Hmm... interesting.

Michael Jordan: If we win, you give the NBA players their talent back.

Swackhammer: But what if we win?

Michael Jordan: If you win?

Swackhammer: Uh-huh.

Michael Jordan: [Firmly] You get me.

Pound: [Smiling gleefully; He and the other Monstars laugh with evil glee.] Good deal, boss.

Bugs Bunny: [Nervously; Michael places his hand on Bugs mouth silencing him.] Eh, doc, do you think that's a good idee?

Swackhammer: [Michael is seen sitting at a table writing autographs endlessly; Michael is then bound by a ball and chains. A kid alien runs up several stairs, drops a ball into the hoop and cheers happily, which shocks Michael.; The kid alien blows a raspberry at Michael and the images end. Michael looks back to Swackhammer.] You'll be our star attraction. You'll sign autographs all day long... and play one on one with the paying customers. And you'll always lose.

Swackhammer: [Smirking evilly] Do we have a deal?

Michael Jordan: [Holding out his hand; Swackhammer chuckles and shakes his hand with Michael.] Deal.

Swackhammer: [Then they both go back to their teams and Bugs follows Michael] All right!

Bugs Bunny: I don't think you should've done that, doc.

Michael Jordan: [Assuring Bugs] I have faith in my team.

Swackhammer: Crush em!

Michael Jordan: Look, I know we're down.

Daffy Duck: [Sarcastically] Oh, yeah, let's hear the story.

Michael Jordan: But I've been in this situation many times before.

Daffy Duck: Oh, this is a piece of work.

Michael Jordan: We can still win this thing. It's not over with. We gotta come together.

Daffy Duck: [Rolling his eyes] Oh, yeah.

Michael Jordan: We gotta believe in ourselves. We can come back and win this game.

Daffy Duck: [Bored] Yeah, right. that's gonna help us.

Daffy Duck: Looks like Stan just had a close encounter with a bug zapper.

Stan Podolak: [Walking in; Coughing] The Monstars... the Monstars!

Lola Bunny: Oh, my!

Daffy Duck: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Michael Jordan: [Helping Stan up with Bugs] You all right, Stan?

Stan Podolak: The Monstars! The Monstars... stole the talent from the NBA players!

Michael Jordan: [Realizing] So that's what happened to those guys.

Porky Pig: I think we should q-q-q-qui... forfeit.

Looney Tunes: [Agreeing with Porky] Yeah!

Michael Jordan: [To Porky] Listen. I didn't get dragged down here just to get my butt whipped by a bunch of ugly Monstars. I ain't going out like that. We're letting em push us around!

Bugs Bunny: Eh, finished? Eh, great speech and all, doc. Eh, you had em riveted. But uh, didn't ya forget something?

Michael Jordan: What?

Bugs Bunny: [Showing Michael a bottle that says "Michael's Secret Stuff"] Your secret stuff.

Lola Bunny: [Awed] Wow!

Daffy Duck: [Impressed] Whoa, nice deltoids!

Bugs Bunny: [Winking and Flexing] Play along!

Bugs Bunny: Eh, stop hogging it, Mike. We're your teammates!

Elmer Fudd: Seecwet" stuff?

Daffy Duck: Secret stuff?

Sylvester: You wouldn't hold out on us, would ya?

Michael Jordan: No. I mean, I didn't think you guys really needed it. I mean... you're so tough, and competitive.

Foghorn Leghorn: [To Sylvester and Wile E. who are fighting over the bottle; Drinks the water] We're also chicken, son. We need it bad.

Sylvester: Hey!

Stan Podolak: [Stands up] Uh, I'd like a sip of that.

Daffy Duck: [Catches the bottle] Yeah!

Lola Bunny: Could I have a sip please?

Daffy Duck: You know, this goes against everything they taught me in health class.

Michael Jordan: [Looking at Daffy] Do you wanna win or not?

Daffy Duck: [Drinks the water and gives it to Stan] Bottoms up. Yummy.

Michael Jordan: [Michael and the Tunes all put their hands together] All right, how bout we go out and kick some alien butt, huh? Let's go.

Looney Tunes: Yeah!

Michael Jordan: All right. Ready?

Looney Tunes: Yeah!

Lola Bunny: [Taping her hand] Yes!

Daffy Duck: Just get out of my way.

Michael Jordan: Ready?

Looney Tunes: Yeah! Yes!

Michael Jordan: Let's go.

Swackhammer: Are these the best seats? I like em, yes! I can see everything from here. Very good.

Bertie: Okey-doke, ready to go?

Hubie: [Pushing Bertie out of the way; clears throat then uses a sportscaster-style voice] Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, Riot! Ladies and gentlemen, the starting lineup for the Tune Squad. Standing 2-foot-4, the Wonder from Down Under, the Tasmanian Devil!

Hubie: At Small Forward, standing a scintillating 3-foot-2, the Heartthrob of the Hoops, Lola Bunny!

Hubie: At Power Forward, the Quackster of the Court, Daffy Duck!

Daffy Duck: [Running to the court] Thank you! Thank you!

Daffy Duck: [disappointed but sarcastically] Very funny. Let's all laugh at the duck.

Bugs Bunny: [Pops out of the floor] Thank you! Thank you!

Hubie: And now the player-coach of the Tune Squad, at 6-foot-6, from North Carolina, His Royal Airness: Michael Jordan!

Swackhammer: [Confused] Who? Is he a Looney Tune?

Nerdluck Slave: [Stammers nervously] Uh, uh, well, perhaps.

Michael Jordan: You guys ready?

Daffy Duck: I'm set to take the rack, Jack!

Tweety: Those Monstars will wish they never been born!

Michael Jordan: Guys, let's just go out and have fun.

Looney Tunes: Yeah!

Hubie: The challengers for the Ultimate Game, all the way from Moron Mountain, The Monstars!

Nerdluck Slaves: Go Monstars! Go Monstars! Go, Monstars! Go, go!

Bang: What are you looking at?

Blanko: [Chuckling] Cool shoes.

Marvin the Martian: Ready?

Bugs Bunny: I got it, I got it, I got it! I got the ball, I got the ball! Yipe!

Bang: [Backhanding Bugs; Bugs slides on the floor.] Coming through little boys!

Michael Jordan: [Sees Bugs hurt] Ooh.

Swackhammer: [Cheering, to the Monstars; To slaves] Way to go, boys! Did ya see the moves on that one?

Bupkus: [Taunting] Come on, come on, show me something.

Nawt: Whatcha got?

Daffy Duck: [Catches the ball] Whoops!

Bupkus: [Pointing at Daffy] The duck!

Pound: Yeah, beat up on the duck, man!

Granny: [Dizzy, seeing birds] Oh, my.

Daffy Duck: [To Lola who is glaring at him, smiling] She was wide open!

Nawt: [Trying to block Michael] Watch the screen. Coming your way. Coming your way. Watch out!

Bang: Come on, get him!

Swackhammer:: [Surprised; Slam his fist down angrily] How did he do that?

Porky Pig: Er, nice shot, Mr. J-J-Jordan.

Michael Jordan: [Sees Nawt with ball] Hey, hey, hey come on. Get back on defense!

Swackhammer: [Cheering] Way to go!

Bugs Bunny: [Passing the ball to Michael and he catches it, he looks up to see the Monstars staring down at him] MJ! MJ!

Monstars: Red light!

Tweety: Feed me! Feed me!

Sylvester: [Grabbing Tweety; Puts Tweety in his mouth, Michael passes the ball to Sylvester, hitting his stomach which made him spit out Tweety.] Feed you? Feed me!

Tweety: [Lands on the ground] Bad ol putty tat!

Pound: [Picking up the ball; Runs up to the hoop; Jumps up and slam dunks it.] I'll take that, thank you. Don't try this at home!

Foghorn Leghorn: [Singing while dribbling the ball] I wish I was in the land of cotton...

Bang: [Blocking Foghorn's way] You going somewhere?

Foghorn Leghorn: [Before he could finish, Bang leans back then breathes fire like a dragon and burns Foghorn to a crisp.; Quoting the old KFC saying; Dissolves into ashes as Bang looks on smiling meanly.] May I remind you, sir, that physical violence is patently against- Yeow! Did you order original recipe or extra crispy?

Michael Jordan: Let's go.

Sniffles: [happily; Running to the court] Me? Oh, boy! I'm ready! I can do this!

Stan Podolak: [Confused] Mouse? You picked the mouse?

Sniffles: I love basketball. I've always loved basketball. Do you love basketball?

Blanko: Uh-huh.

Sniffles:: [Continuing] You're big. I bet you're good at basketball.

Blanko: [Listening to Sniffles] Right.

Sniffles: I'm small, but I'll try really hard to be good at basketball. Really, I will.

Blanko: Okay. Yeah.

Sniffles: I always try hard, my mom always says. "Try your best at everything you do-" Oh!

Pound: [Jeering] Try to get by me, doll!

Lola: Doll?

Lola: [Blows the ears out of her face; Pound looks at her dumbfounded] Don't ever call me... doll.

Bugs: [High fives Lola] Nice shot!

Lola: Thanks, Bugs.

Bupkus: [Confused seeing Michael block him] Hmm?

Pound: [To Michael; Grabs and spins Michael around] Where's your defense, boy? I gotcha right here!

Bupkus: [Jumping up to the hoop; Slam dunks and earned two more points] 911!

Nerdluck Slave: [Serving Swackhammer food] Piece of pie? Pork chop? Some sorbet perhaps?

Bang: [Slam dunking the ball; The crowd boos as the Monstars continue to score, and on the scoreboard on the Monstars' side is going up like a casino machine and it says "Kinda one-sided, isn't it?" then Pound jumps up letting out a yell and makes one more slam dunk before the time runs out.] In your face!

Tweety: [Flying through a hole; Sylvester feels annoyed.] Holy putty tat!

Bupkus: Yeah, man. We got it going. One more half.

Pound: Right man. We got em.

Sylvester: [Sadly] Moron Mountain, here we come.

Elmer Fudd: We're gonna be swaves.

Michael Jordan: Come on guys, keep your heads up. We got another half to play.

Bupkus: [Swackhammer lights his cigar.] It's the boss!

Monstars: Hello, Mr. Swackhammer.

Swackhammer: All right. Not bad for the first half, but we gotta keep this up.

Pound: [Gleefully, shrugging; Before he could finish, Nawt interrupted] Hey, no problem. We stole the-

Nawt: [Talking fast to Swackhammer; Grabbing Swackhammer's lapels] We stole the talent, boss, from the best players in the NBA.

Stan Podolak: [Shocked and softly] From the NBA?

Nawt: [Continuing] It was then uh, uh, uh, Grandmama, wasn't it Larry Johnson?

Swackhammer: [Annoyed, shoving Nawt away; Sniffs the air] Shut up! I smell something.

Blanko: [Sniffing his armpit, thinking it was him] Uh, we have been playing really hard.

Monstars: [Agreeing with Blanko] Yeah!

Swackhammer: [To Blanko; Looks over to the lockers] Not you, you idiot! It’s coming from over here.

Pound: That locker!

Monstars: [Agreeing with Pound] Yeah!

Bang: [Pointing at Stan] Look!

Bang: It’s the chubby boy!

Swackhammer: [Pushing Pound and Bang aside and sees Stan] Ah... it smells like a spy!

Stan Podolak: [Chuckling nervously; Squeaks fearfully as they corner him.] You guys need a publicist? I can make you big.

Richard Simmons on TV: You're doing it! You're becoming mighty! Go!

Porky Pig: Come on guys. No pain, no gain.

Richard Simmons on TV: I don't hear it! What is it?!

Foghorn Leghorn: Come on.

Porky Pig: Come on.

Richard Simmons on TV: Now shake it! Keep on sweating!

Bugs Bunny: Eh, guys?

Looney Tunes: Yes?

Bugs Bunny: Look who's finally ready to play.

Michael Jordan: Let's see if I remember how to do this.

Stan Podolak: [happily; Michael stops and turns to see him.; Runs up to him and hugs him happily.] Michael! Is it really you?! Oh! Thank god, you're all right! You're all right! Oh! I was so worried!

Michael Jordan: [annoyed] Come on, Stan. Don't hug me, please.

Stan Podolak: [stops hugging] Sorry.

Michael Jordan: What are you doing here?

Stan Podolak: I-I-I gotta take you back. You got baseball practice.

Michael Jordan: I can't. I'm helping my friends in their basketball game.

Stan Podolak: Uh, Michael, do you know that your friends are cartoon characters?

Michael Jordan: Yeah. so?

Stan Podolak: No, no. Doesn't bother you, doesn't bother me. Let me help! Let me help! I can help, I can help! Let me help!

Michael Jordan: What can you do?

Stan Podolak: [Takes the ball and dribbles] Well, you know what I mean. I may not be very tall, but... I'm slow.

Sylvester: [moves his belly] And large.

Daffy: And a dork.

Stan Podolak: I'll do anything, Michael! Anything!

Michael Jordan: Anything?

Stan Podolak: Anything.

Michael Jordan: [escorts Stan to the benches] Come here. Come here for a second. Sit right here.

Stan Podolak: [He's about to sit on Tweety and he moves out of the way. He blows a raspberry at Stan.] Okay.

Michael Jordan: Okay?

Stan Podolak: [Clapping; Chuckling, to Granny] Okay. No problem. All right! All right! Let's go, team! Y'know, if somebody gets injured, we could see a lot of minutes.

Granny: [Holding out pompons] I'm a cheerleader.

Foreman: Mr. Commissioner, we've got the place sealed off.

Commissioner: [To reporters] Quiet! Ladies and gentlemen, please, quiet! Listen, after meeting with team owners, I have decided that until we can guarantee the health and safety of our NBA players, there will be no more basketball this season.

Daffy Duck: [they stop digging] The view back here stinks!

Bugs Bunny: [Stops and sees the house; Bumps into Daffy] Whoa!

Daffy Duck: Ow! What?

Bugs Bunny: We're right in front of Michael's house.

Daffy Duck: I knew that.

Bugs Bunny: Shh! Okay, let's go in dis way.

Daffy Duck: I say, let's go in that way!

Bugs Bunny: He just never learns.

Daffy Duck: [Lights up a lighter and sees Charles, who is growling at him.; Nervously] Now let me see. I must be very, very close. Mother...

Bugs Bunny: [As he fixes the rug, he hears knocking on the door.] Nice digs. Well, well. I wonder who dat could be?

Daffy Duck: [Dizzy; Falls down] Twinkle, twinkle, little star...

Bugs Bunny: [Whispering] Shh. Everyone's sleeping.

Daffy Duck: [Gets up] I knew that.

Bugs Bunny: [Closes the front door] Come on, come on. We gotta find Michael's basketball stuff.

Bugs Bunny: [Opens the right door and peaks; Closes the door] Nope. Nothing in here.

Daffy Duck: [Opens the left door and peaks; Closes the door] Nope. Ahh, but a very nice dinette set.

Bugs Bunny: [Peaks through another door; Closes the door] Eh-eh. Not here. Let's look upstairs.

Daffy Duck: Yes. Oh, fearless leader.

Daffy Duck: [Sees Jasmine sleeping] So, he needs his special underwear...

Bugs Bunny: Shh!

Daffy Duck: [Quietly] Sorry. You think she's got enough toys?

Bugs Bunny: Speaking of toys, you know all of those mugs and, uh, t-shoits and lunchboxes wit our pictures on em?

Daffy Duck: Yeah.

Bugs Bunny: You, uh, ever see any money from all that stuff?

Daffy Duck: [Scoffs] Not a cent.

Bugs Bunny: Hmm, me neither.

Daffy Duck: [Sighs] It's a crying shame. We gotta get new agents. We're getting screwed.

Bugs Bunny: We have found the trophy room! Now spread out and soich the place.

Daffy Duck: [Bows; Turns on the lamp, muttering to himself] Yes, sahib. Oh, brother. Here I am, in the peak of my form, playing second banana to some sort of harebrain...

Bugs Bunny: [Sees the North Carolina bag; Grabs the bag] Yap, yap, yap. Hmm. This could be useful. Aha!

Daffy Duck: [Digging out the drawers from the dresser] If this were a union job, I'd... Yes, that's very nice.

Bugs Bunny: [Sees the sneaker; Puts the sneaker in the bag and looks around; Singsongy; Sees the sneaker on the stand; Gets the chair and climbs on it] Hmm. Oh, one of his shoes. Where is that other shoe? Where are you? Eureka! Come to papa.

Bugs Bunny: [Nearly slips and the trophy falls] Oops!

Daffy Duck: [Annoyed] What a fuzz foot. You are so clumsy!

Bugs Bunny: [Reaches the shoe and pushes it off] Catch, feather head.

Daffy Duck: [Catches it with the bag] Thanks.

Bugs Bunny: Well, time to go.

Daffy Duck: Did we get everything?

Daffy and Bugs: [Realizing] The shorts!

Bugs Bunny: [Sees the door to the closet] In there?

Daffy Duck: [Walks to the door; Opens the door, and sees Charles growling at him, who has the shorts in his mouth, then Daffy closes the door and gets scared; Then Charles breaks down the door and makes it fall on Daffy.; Dizzy; coming out from the door; Then he runs up to Bugs] Okay, I'll check. I found... the shorts. The pain. I'm right behind ya, pal.

Bugs Bunny: Uh, that's none too reassuring.

Daffy Duck: [Pulls out a bone; Charles doesn't take it] Nice puppy. How's about a bone? No dice.

Bugs Bunny: [Pulls out a ham; Charles doesn't take it either] What about a nice holiday ham? He ain't buying it. Uh, can't we talk this over, rover?

Daffy Duck: [Hugging Bugs, scared; [w:Beethoven (film)|Beethoven] Roll over, ]!

Bugs Bunny: [Sees the kids] Ooh! The kids are here.

Jeffrey Jordan: Give it to me, Charles!

Jeffrey Jordan: Here you go, Bugs.

Bugs Bunny: [Chuckling; Gives him a thumbs up] Thanks, kid.

Marcus Jordan: [To Charles] Shoo! Shoo!

Daffy Duck: Bad dog! That is the last time I'm ever working with dogs or children!

Jeffrey Jordan: [Stops them] Hey, where you going?

Bugs Bunny: Well, uh, you see, the Looney Tunes have a big basketball game coming up, and uh, your dad's gonna play.

Jeffrey Jordan: All right!

Bugs Bunny: [Jeff nods his head, Bugs and Daffy leave the house.] Yeah! But don't tell anybody.

Fortune teller: I see aliens. Little aliens from outer space. They force their way inside your bodies. They need your talent to win a... basketball game against... Bugs Bunny.

Patrick Ewing: [Whispering] Bugs Bunny?

Fortune teller: I also see Michael Jordan... being sucked down a golf hole... by furry creatures.

Patrick Ewing: [Gets up from the chair] That's it. We're outta here.

Larry Johnson: We're leaving now.

Shawn Bradley: Let's try some acupuncture.

Muggsy Bogues: [To Fortune teller] Good idea. Bye.

Stan Podolak: This is it! This is it! I don't know where you are, Michael, but wherever you are, you obviously enjoy being there more than spending time with me!

Daffy Duck: You better hope this Jordan character still knows how to play hoops.

Bugs Bunny: You and me both, brudda.

Daffy Duck: [[w:The Mighty Ducks|The Ducks] Listen, how's this for a new team name? ]!

Bugs Bunny: [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Mickey Mouse organization] Please. What kind of ] would name their team The Ducks?

Daffy Duck: So sue me, It's just a suggestion.

Teenage girl: [Surprised; Charles nods] You're... You're Charles Barkley.

Teenage girl #2: Who you talking to?

Teenage girl: [Calling to her friends] Girls, come on over. Hurry up, hurry. Look! It's Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: Hey, can I play?

Teenage girls: [Agreeing] Sure!

Teenage girl: You're not Charles Barkley. Just a wannabe who looks like him. Sorry. Break out. You shouldn't even be here! Be gone. Wannabe! Be gone!

Doctor: Just a few more tests, gentlemen. Tests for electrolyte levels, glucose, CBC's, RBC's, et cetera. and we've scheduled a 12-lead stress test and neurological battery to include EEG, the reflex test...

Charles Barkley: And t-this girl... 5 feet nothing... blocked my shot.

Charles Barkley: It wasn't a dream! It really happened!

Larry Johnson: [Stands up] And it climbed up my back, and into my brain.

Psychiatrist: Are there any other areas, besides basketball...where you find yourself...

Barry White's voice: Yeah.

Psychiatrist: ...unable to perform?

Barry White's voice: Yeah, yeah.

Patrick Ewing: [Sits up, irritated] No!

Psychiatrist: Just asking.

Larry Johnson: I've been MRI'd, EKG'd, X-rayed, laser beamed...

Charles Barkley: I promise I'll never swear again. I'll never get another technical. I'll never trash-talk.

Shawn Bradley: I've got other skills. I could go back and work on the farm.

Psychiatrist: Really?

Shawn Bradley: [Then it's Muggsy's turn] Or maybe... I could go back to the jungle and be a missionary again.

Muggsy Bogues: What are you saying? That I'm tryna disobey my mama?

Psychiatrist: I didn't say that. You did, Muggsy.

Muggsy Bogues: But I love my mama.

Patrick Ewing: Still can't find anything wrong with us.

Muggsy Bogues: Hey, maybe there's nothing wrong with us.

Larry Johnson: That's right, Muggs. Maybe it's just in our heads.

Muggsy Bogues: We're fine. It's just some psychosomatic deal, or something to do with the moon or the alignment of the planet.

Charles Barkley: [[Madonna] I'll never go out with ] again.

Golfer: What are you doing?

Stan Podolak: [Stops and sees him] I'm, uh...I'm fixing a divot.

Golfer: [Walking back and yelling to his friends] Oh. He's fixing a divot!

Bugs Bunny: Oh, uh, look out for the first step, doc, it's a real lulu.

Michael Jordan: Bugs Bunny?

Bugs Bunny: Eh, you were expecting maybe the Easter Bunny?

Michael Jordan: You're a cartoon, you're not real.

Bugs Bunny: Not real, eh? If I weren't real, could I do dis?

Elmer Fudd: Ooh, wook; is that Michael?

Sylvester: [Comes out from a manhole cover, rejoicing] It's Michael!

Granny: It's Air Jordan!

Taz: [Bursts from the mailbox] Basketball!

Tweety Bird: [Sees Michael down below from his nest in a tree; As he flies down from his nest] Ooh, I tawt I taw... I did; I did tee Michael Dordan!

Porky Pig: [Pulling out a pencil and autograph book] Eh, pardon me, Mr. Jordan. Eh, could I have your a-a-auto...your John Hancock, please?

Daffy Duck: [Shows up wearing a doctor's uniform] Back off! Let the doctor take a look.

Daffy Duck: Whoops. A little high.

Michael Jordan: [Shaking his head] No.

Daffy Duck: [Pulls the lever] Going down!

Michael Jordan: [Closing his eyes and yelling] No!

Daffy Duck: [He spins Michael around then stops the chair and looks in his ear with an otoscope; a bent paperclip and some earwax are seen] So, what do you say we go for a little spin? Hmm. Now let's see what we got inside here.

Bugs Bunny: [Waving] Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!

Daffy Duck: [Puts a thermometer in Michael's mouth; The thermometer swells and it explodes, then Daffy stamps an "A-OK" sign on Michael's forehead] Say "Ahh"! All right, he's OK!

Michael Jordan: [expressionlessly] What's going on here?

Bugs Bunny: [Jumps on Michael's lap; Imagining himself being chained up and being forced to perform on stage; Shouting] Why, Michael, I thought you'd never ask. You see, these aliens come from outer space, and they wanna make us slaves in their theme park. Eh, what do we care? They're little. So we challenged them to a basketball game. But then they show up and they ain't so little. They're huge! We need to beat these guys. ‘Cause they're talking about slavery! Then they'll make us do stand-up comedy, the same jokes every night for all eternity. We're gonna be locked up like wild animals and then trotted out to perform for a bunch of lowbrow, bug-eyed, fat-headed, humor-challenged aliens! Eh, what I'm trying to say is... WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Michael Jordan: Yeah, but I'm a baseball player now.

Bugs Bunny: [Sarcastically, pulls out a rabbit skull; Tosses the skull away] Right, and I'm a Shakespearean actor.

Stan Podolak: Mike? Michael? It-it's Stan. Uh, Stan Podolak? Uh, look, I-I need you to come out now, okay? Because uh, you-you got a baseball game tomorrow. And I'd look pretty stupid if you don't show up.

Larry Bird: You think Michael's all right? Boy, I hate to leave him like this.

Bill Murray: Aw, I'm sure he's fine. I think he just had to get away from that Stan character.

Larry Bird: God, he's pathetic, isn't he?

Bill Murray: Yeah. Larry, I'm gonna give us both twos back there. We weren't in any kind of emotional state to putt.

Larry Bird: I think that's fair.

Bill Murray: Now, if Mike is gone, the NBA is gonna need some new people. There's room at the top. An exciting kinda guy who could maybe even perform at halftime. Now, are you still tight with David Stern? I mean, a phone call from you...

Bill Murray: [Sighs talking to the golf ball; Hits the golf ball] 175 yards, OK little fella. You my friend or are you my enemy? You are my friend, right? You are my ally. You are my associate, my personal assistant. You are my weapon. You are leaving.

Michael Jordan: Oh. Great shot.

Stan Podolak: [Clapping] Mmm. Nice shot, Mr. Murray.

Michael Jordan: [Chuckling softly] You can stop posing now. Good try.

Larry Bird: [Walks in next] Not bad. Not bad.

Bill Murray: [Walking up to Michael] Something for you all to shoot at.

Michael Jordan: Hit it good, Larry.

Larry Bird: Do my best.

Michael Jordan: [To Bill] It was a good shot.

Bill Murray: [Thinks for a moment; Michael shakes his head] Yeah, I know. Mike, I gotta ask you something. The NBA has to face reality. What's happening to these players is serious. They're gonna need new players with talent, guys who are skilled but never really thought about a professional career before. You think I got a shot? Come on, really?

Michael Jordan: No.

Bill Murray: Don't kid me.

Michael Jordan: Listen, it's a man's game, and you can't play.

Bill Murray: What if I tried really hard?

Larry Bird: Can you keep it down? I'm tryna hit this ball.

Bill Murray: [after Michael is reluctant to let him join the NBA] It's because I'm white, isn't it?

Michael Jordan: No. Larry's white. So what?

Bill Murray: [Larry hits the ball] Larry's not white, Larry's clear. You got it, Larry!

Michael Jordan: Get inside his ball.

Stan Podolak: [Impressed] Whoa.

Larry Bird: You clowns can't beat that. It's the best shot I ever hit.

Michael Jordan: You haven't been playing long.

Larry Bird: It's a Hall-of-Fame shot.

Stan Podolak: Real nice shot, Mr. Bird.

Larry Bird: Larry. please.

Stan Podolak: Nice shot, Mr. Larry.

Bill Murray: Nice shot Larry.

Stan Podolak: [To Michael] You can do this. Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. You can do this.

Bill Murray: Larry, you feel that the NBA has to face reality, don't ya? It's just gotta start looking for some more dominant players in places they've never looked before.

Stan Podolak: [Continuing] Just look at the ball. Visualize the shot where you want it to go.

Michael Jordan: [Takes the golf ball and pin] Right, right, right.

Stan Podolak: Be the ball. Be the ball.

Michael Jordan: [Annoyed] Get off the tee.

Stan Podolak: All right.

Larry Bird: You can't jump.

Bill Murray: I... Yeah, go on.

Michael Jordan: Close to the pin?

Bill Murray: Close to the pin, for dinner?

Larry Bird: Sounds good.

Bill Murray: I'll go close to the pin.

Larry Bird: I'll take some of that.

Bill Murray: That's not bad. Good shot.

Michael Jordan: [Looks on as the ball goes down] Get down! Look at that. Look at that spin.

Michael Jordan: Come on.

Bill Murray: It...is... alive!

Michael Jordan: [Gives Bill and Larry high fives] Yes! My first hole in one! Yes!

Bill Murray: Oh.

Larry Bird: Don't say this.

Michael Jordan: [Takes the flag out] Larry, nothing but the bottom of the cup.

Bill Murray: That's his ball too.

Michael Jordan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my ball, sorry.

Stan Podolak: Wait, wait, wait. Let me get a picture of this.

Michael Jordan: You guys are jealous.

Stan Podolak: All right. Here we go. Now you're gonna smile. You reach in, you reach in for the ball, and then you smile, OK?

Michael Jordan: [Leaning in and reaching in for the ball] Yes.

Stan Podolak: And you think, "This is good.

Michael Jordan: Just take the picture!

Stan Podolak: All right. OK.

Bill Murray: What kind of camera is that?

Stan Podolak: It's just a--

Bill Murray: [Grabbing the camera; Tosses the camera away] Would you not point that at me, please? And close the lens cap!

Stan Podolak: I didn't do anything! I just took--

Larry Bird: Where'd he go?

Ahmad Rashad: In a shocking development, 5 NBA players have been placed on the disabled list in the last 24 hours, all suffering from the same mysterious ailment. Whatever this mystery is, it seems to have a devastating effect on the player's coordination. Watch Patrick Ewing.

Michael Jordan: [Talking to his family on the phone] Yeah, I'll be home in a couple days. Put your mom on the phone.

Michael Jordan: [On the phone] Hey, baby, how you doing? You watching TV?

Ahmad Rashad: It wasn't just here in New York, that's what's really frightening about it. Check out Muggsy Bogues and Larry Johnson at the Highlands.

Hornets Coach: [Angrily] What the hell's going on?

Hornets Player: You all right, Larry?

Larry Johnson: [Tries to drink the water but it spilled all over him] Yeah. I'm ready, coach, sure. All right.

Michael Jordan: [To himself; Hears knocking on the door; On phone] Looks like I retired just in time. All right, baby. I gotta go, I'll call you later? Love you, bye.

Michael Jordan: It's open!

Stan Podolak: [Opens the door] Come on, Michael, it's game time. Get your Hanes on. Lace up your Nikes. Grab your Wheaties and your Gatorade. We'll pick up a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark.

Ahmad Rashad: Now we take you live to the Forum in Los Angeles, where the Lakers are refusing to take the court.

Del Harris: Guys, we gotta get dressed. We got a game in 5 minutes. I mean, we're talking about a huge fine here.

Vlade Divac: No way, coach. We can't go in the locker room.

Del Harris: Oh.

Cedric Ceballos: You heard what happened to Barkley and Ewing. It's gotta be germs in there or something.

Lakers Players: [Agreeing] Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Del Harris: Cedric, that was in New York. 3,000 miles away.

Vlade Divac: [[w:Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978 film)|Invasion of Body Snatchers] Yeah, it could be ].

Lakers Players: Yeah, yeah, could be.

Del Harris: [Sighs] All right. Dress in the hallway.

Lakers Players: Okay.

Stan Podolak: Aw, I'm really sorry it took so long.

Michael Jordan: Don't worry about it.

Stan Podolak: That exit on 65 wasn't clearly marked.

Michael Jordan: Hold up, hold up, right here.

Stan Podolak: What, here?

Michael Jordan: Yes.

Michael Jordan: Thanks for the ride, Sherm. I appreciate it.

Stan Podolak: It's Stan, Mike.

Michael Jordan: Sorry.

Stan Podolak: But that's all right, you can call me Sherm if you want to because I've followed your whole career and I think you're the greatest athlete that's ever lived.

Michael Jordan: [Trying to get out of the car] Stan. Stan. Stan. How do I get outta here? The door doesn't work.

Stan Podolak: [Gets out of the car; Taps the car door and opens it] Oh! I'm sorry. I-I- I forgot to tell you it's a classic. It's a classic, but it's got a few peccadilloes. Hold on just a second.

Michael Jordan: [Gets out of the car] Huh, a few, huh? It's smoking too, man. You need to get that checked.

Michael Jordan: [Takes the bag from the car] Thanks for the ride.

Stan Podolak: [Looking at the house] Oh. Oh, this is nice. This is a nice house. Oh, that is a beauty. What is that, Colonial?

Michael Jordan: No, it's a nice house.

Stan Podolak: If you need anything done around the house, I'd be more than happy to help you out.

Michael Jordan: Oh, no. I'm fine, thanks.

Stan Podolak: Anything you need.

Michael Jordan: Nah. You gave me a ride. I appreciate it.

Stan Podolak: Okay, sure.

Michael Jordan: Tomorrow, I'ma drive, so I don't need the ride. But thanks, though.

Stan Podolak: Oh. Why? Too conspicuous?

Michael Jordan: [Smiling] Yeah.

Stan Podolak: [Chuckling] All right. All right.

Michael Jordan: Thanks, though.

Stan Podolak: [Gets in his car] All right. Tomorrow!

Michael Jordan: See you tomorrow.

Michael Jordan: [Seeing his dog] Come on, dog. No, not today. Oh!

Michael Jordan: Dog, get off me! Your breath!

Jordan's housekeeper: [Runs out and sees Michael; To Charles] Mr. Jordan, are you okay? Get off of him, Charles! Come on!

Michael Jordan: Bad dog! Git! Oh!

Jordan's housekeeper: [Grabs Charles by the collar, pulling him away] Come on, Charles! Get off of him! Pooch, stop it! Get off of him before I cook you! Come on, come on, come on, baby, come on.

Juanita Jordan: Come on, you guys. Get out of the car!

Kids: Bye, Mr. Jordan.

Michael Jordan: Bye, kids.

Little League girl: Hey, good game.

Michael Jordan: [Concerned] Hey, Jeff. You okay?

Michael Jordan: How was your game?

Jeffery Jordan: I don't wanna talk about it.

Marcus Jordan: [Running past him] Hi, dad!

Michael Jordan: Hey, hey, hey.

Passengers: [Driving by and waving to Michael] Bye Michael!

Jasmine Jordan: [Happily running up to him] Daddy! Daddy!

Michael Jordan: [Picks her up and hugs her] Hi, how you doing?

Juanita Jordan: Hey.

Michael Jordan: Hey.

Juanita Jordan: [Kisses him] Ooh! You're all covered up with drool, baby.

Michael Jordan: That's your dog.

Michael Jordan: What's the matter with Jeff?

Juanita Jordan: Well, he went 2 for 5 and lost 32 points in his batting average.

Michael Jordan: [Shocked] Is that all?

Juanita Jordan: Yeah, so that puts him at, like, uh, 685 or something.

Michael Jordan: He's batting what?

Juanita Jordan: Mmm, smells good in here. Whatcha cooking?

Jordan's housekeeper: Chicken.

Jordan's housekeeper: Chicken and collard greens.

Michael Jordan: [Housekeeper chuckles and Michael feels sad] Good. I'ma need a good meal tonight.

Juanita Jordan: [Concerned] Is everything okay?

Michael Jordan: Boy, I stunk up the place. I hope this baseball's thing is a good idea.

Jim Rome: It was another career day for Michael Jordan at Barons Field this afternoon. Let's face it. This baseball...

Michael Jordan: [He goes into the living room and sees the news on TV, and sits down to watch] What are you guys watching?

Jim Rome: Today he went 0 for 4 with three strikeouts.

Michael Jordan: Is this the only thing on TV?

Jim Rome: That brings his batting average down to an anemic .214, which also happens to be his playing weight. Baseball bat? Get this guy a tennis racket!

Jeffrey Jordan: Did everyone get mad at you?

Michael Jordan: No, worse. Everyone was real nice about it.

Jim Rome: Michael, I know golf is your sport, but not here.

Jeffrey Jordan: I think you should open your stance a little. It might make you more aggressive at the plate.

Michael Jordan: Oh, you think so? I'll try to remember that.

Jim Rome: Watching this hurts me more than it hurts you. What is that?

Michael Jordan: [Picks up the remote] What are you guys doing watching that stuff? It's bad for you.

Michael Jordan: [Gets up and goes into the kitchen] There you go, Road Runner. Beep-beep, here. Looney Tunes.

Road Runner: Beep beep!

Porky Pig: [Jumps in front of the screen, stammering; Panting to Wile E. and Road Runner, stammering; Jeff sighs] Stop this cartoon! We got an emergency cartoon character union meeting to go to.

Road Runner: [Running off] Beep-beep!

Porky Pig: [Running after him] Hey, wait for me! Hold your horses!

Marcus Jordan: Dang. Where'd they go?

Jasmine Jordan: Oh, no.

Umpire: Strike!

Barons player: Looks good in that uniform.

Barons player: Can't teach it.

Stars catcher: Hey, thanks for autographing that basketball for my kid. I'm a hero now.

Michael Jordan: [The catcher smiles and nods his head] No problem. Happy to do it, man.

Umpire: Let's go!

Stars catcher: [Nodding his head] Curve ball. Don't swing. Don't swing.

Umpire: Ball!

Stars catcher: Fastball, outside corner. Swing.

Umpire: Strike!

Stars catcher: That was your pitch.

Michael Jordan: I know. I missed it.

Stars catcher: Don't worry, I'll get you another one.

Barons manager: [Calling] Podolak! Podolak, come here. Come here!

Stan Podolak: Sorry, didn't mean to.

Barons manager: Come here!

Stan Podolak: Yes, sir?

Barons manager: I want you to make sure nobody bothers Michael. I want him to be the happiest player in the world.

Stan Podolak: The happiest.

Stars catcher: Slider. Don't swing.

Umpire: Strike three!

Stars catcher: I told you not to swing.

Michael Jordan: I couldn't help it.

Stars catcher: I understand. Hey, nice talking to ya.

Barons player: [Michael sits down as they talk to him.] We're not worried. We're not worried.

Barons player: Good job, Mike.

Barons player #2:: Don't worry. Good try. Good hustle.

Barons player #3: Good cut, Michael. Good cut.

Barons player #4: That was a strikeout, Mike. That was a good-looking strikeout. Real good.

Barons player #5: I mean, you look good when you strike out, man. When I strike out, man, it looks nasty, man. At least you did good, man. Good looking.

Stan Podolak: [Smiling and waving; Leans in too far and falls down] Hi, Hi, Mr. Jordan. Mr. Jordan, I'm Stan Podolak.

Michael Jordan: You all right? That was a nasty fall.

Stan Podolak: [Looks at him and shakes his hand] Yeah. Oh, I'm Stan Podolak, Mr. Jordan. I'm the Barons new publicist. I'm here to make your life easier. You want me to drive you somewhere, I will drive you anywhere. You want me to pick up your laundry, babysit your kids, I will do it. I am here to personally guarantee that no one will ever...bother... you.

Michael Jordan: What was that?