Airplane! (1980) - Quotes

Taglines: The Plane's going to Chicago. The Pilot's going to New York. The Passengers are going to Pieces!

Taglines: The craziest flight you'll ever take!

Taglines: Thank God it's Only a Motion Picture!

Taglines: What's slower than a speeding bullet, and able to hit tall buildings at a single bound?

Steve: He'll never bring it down in this soup. Never! Not one chance in a million.

Rex: I know. I know. But it's his ship now, his command. He's in charge, he's the boss, the head man, the top dog, the big cheese, the head honcho, number one...

Joey: [[w:Kareem Abdul-Jabbar|Kareem Abdul-Jabbar; [w:Los Angeles Lakers|Los Angeles Lakers] Wait a minute, I know you. You're ]! You play basketball for the ]!

Murdock: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock, I'm the co-pilot.

Joey: You are Kareem! I've seen you play! My dad's got season tickets!

Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?

Oveur: Nah, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.

Murdock: [shows his nametag] But just remember, my name is Roger Murdock, I'm an airline pilot.

Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try, except during the playoffs.

Murdock: [looks around to make sure no one is watching and grabs Joey by the shirt up close; [w:Bill Walton|Walton; [w:Bob Lanier|Lanier] The hell I don't! Listen, kid. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night! Tell your old man to drag ] and ] up and down the court for 48 minutes.

McCroskey: [hands Johnny a weather bulletin] Johnny, what do you make out of this?

Johnny: This? Why, I could make a hat, or a brooch, or a pterodactyl.

Dr. Rumack: Captain, these passengers don't have much time. How soon can we land?

Oveur: I can't tell.

Dr. Rumack: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Oveur: What I mean is, I don't know.

Dr. Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?

Oveur: ...Not for another two hours.

Dr. Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Oveur: No, what I'm saying is we can't land for another two hours.

Randy: Can I get you something?

Second Jive Dude: [subtitle: I ate something that is making my insides cramp up. Can you help me?] S'mo-fo butter layin me to the bone, jackin me up. Tight me?

Randy: What did he say?

First Jive Dude: [subtitle: My buddy here says he can't take this for much longer!] Cutty say he can't hang!

Jive Lady: Oh, stewardess? I speak Jive. He said, he's in great pain and wants to know if you can help him.

Randy: Could you tell him to just relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?

Jive Lady: [subtitle: Just relax, my friend. She's going to come back with medicine to make you feel better.] Just hang loose, blood. She gonna catch you up for the rebound on the med-side.

Second Jive Dude: [subtitle: Ma'am, I'm not stupid. I understood what she just said.] What it is, big momma? My momma didn't raise no dummies, I dug her rap!

Jive Lady: [subtitle: Hey, I'm trying to help!] Cut me some slack, Jack!

Jive Lady: [subtitle: If you don't want help, I won't help you. He really is that stupid. Golly!] Chump don't want no help, chump don't get da help. Jive-ass dude don't got no brains, anyhow. Hm!

Elaine: Doctor, Mr. Hammen ate fish, and Randy said there are five more cases, and they all had fish, too.

Rumack: And the co-pilot had fish. What did the navigator have?

Elaine: He had fish.

Rumack: [Oveur looks at his finished dinner plate, sees he had fish too] All right, now we know what we're up against. Every passenger on this plane had fish for dinner will become violently ill in the next half hour.

Elaine: Just how serious is it?

Rumack: [Oveur starts reaching for his throat; Oveur starts to sway dizzily and scratching himself; Oveur's right arm twitches madly, and then drools heavily; Oveur farts loudly] Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash... ...then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling. At this point, the entire digestive system collapses, accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence. Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering, wasted piece of jelly.

Reporter: What kind of plane is it?

Johnny: Oh, it's a big, pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels, and it looks like a big Tylenol!

Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?

Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.

Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked? Do you like movies about gladiators?

Oveur: Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Randy: Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit…

Striker: The cockpit...what is it?

Randy: It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important right now.

Striker: [before he could say that she told him the pilot needed help, he notices that only the autopilot is flying the plane] The stewardess said... BOTH pilots?!

Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?

Striker: Surely you can't be serious.

Rumack: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

LA Control Tower: Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.

Oveur: Roger.

Murdock: Huh?

LA Control Tower: L.A. departure frequency: 1-2-3 point 9'er.

Oveur: Roger.

Murdock: Huh?

Basta: Request vector, over.

Oveur: What?

LA Control Tower: Flight 2-0-9'er, clear for vector 2-3-4.

Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.

Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Jack Kilpatrick: [[w:Shana Alexander|Shana] ], they bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting into. I say, let em crash!

Young Girl Passenger: [when offered cream for her coffee] No thank you, I take it black…like my men.

Radio Announcer: WZAZ in Chicago where disco lives forever" (The Airplane then took out the antenna forcing the station to go off the air).

Rex Kramer: All right, Striker, you listen, and listen close. Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to become alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Ted Striker: It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.