Clerks poster

Clerks Quotes

"Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you."

R 1994 · 1h 32m
74
Audience
Apple TV Store Available on Apple TV Store
74
Audience
28 quotes
Clerks
The Value of Genuine Relationships
Silent Bob You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of em just cheat on you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Parking Lot Advice from Dante Hicks
Dante Hicks Hey, try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
A Wild Night of Recklessness and Chaos
Jay I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck anything that moves! Yo, what the fuck you lookin at? I'll kick your fuckin ass!  Shit yeah. Doesn't that motherfucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, and tear out his fuckin soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag. Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?
[to a man passing by on a bicycle; to Silent Bob; to two women in a passing car]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Humor in Everyday Retail Life
Taglines A very funny look at the over-the-counter culture.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
A Conversation About Marriage and Distractions
Dante You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!
Randal You know what I just watched?
Dante Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Randal ].
[[Return of the Jedi]
Dante Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!
Randal Which did you like better? Jedi or ]?
[[The Empire Strikes Back]
Dante Empire.
Randal Blasphemy.
Dante Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, uh, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
Randal There was something else going on in Jedi. I ever noticed it til today. They built another Death Star, right?
Dante Yeah.
Randal Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.
Dante Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.
Randal And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
Dante Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
Randal Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.
Dante And you figured it out?
Randal The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroopers, dignitaries. Imperials.
Dante Basically.
Randal So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
Dante And the second time around?
Randal The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.
Dante So?
Randal So a construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers...
Dante And not just Imperials. Is that what you're getting at?
Randal Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?
Randal All those innocent contractors hired to do the job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way. You got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
Roofer Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you two talking about?
Randal The ending of Return of the Jedi.
Dante My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Roofer Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer—Dunn and Ready Home Improvements—and speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics comes into play heavily when choosing jobs.
Randal Oh yeah, like when?
Roofer Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house, tons of property. A simple reshingling job! They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price. Then I realized whose house it was.
Randal Whose house was it?
Roofer Dominic Bambino's.
Randal Baby-Face" Bambino the gangster?
Roofer The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high. I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend of mine.
Dante Based on his personal politics.
[to Randal]
Roofer Right! And the next week the Floressi family puts out a hit on Baby-Face's house! My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish reshingling!
Randal No way.
Roofer I'm alive because I knew the risk involved with that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved. If they got killed, it's their own fault. A roofer listens to this , not his wallet.
[pointing to his heart]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Randal's Belief in Ruling Philosophy
Randal Graves Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Bathroom Lights Malfunction at 5:14 PM
Caitlin Can I use your bathroom?
Randal Sure. But there's no lights back there.
Caitlin Why aren't there any lights?
Randal Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
Caitlin You're kidding. Why?
Randal Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal And I'm caught in the middle. Torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Caitlin You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
Randal Territoriality. He was mine first.
Caitlin Oh, that was so cute.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Master of My Own Destiny
Randal Graves I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Reflections on High School Relationships
Dante Hicks Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean, that's what high school was about: algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
The Origin of a Nickname
Veronica That was Snowball.
[after talking to William]
Dante Why do you call him that?
Veronica Sylvan made it up. It's a blowjob thing.
Dante What do you mean?
Veronica After he gets a blowjob, he likes to have it spit back into his mouth while kissing. It's called snowballing.
Dante He requests this?
Veronica He gets off on it.
Dante Sylvan can be talked into anything.
Veronica Why do you say that?
Dante Like you said, she snowballed him.
Veronica Sylvan? No, I snowballed him.
Dante Yeah, right.
Veronica I'm serious.
Dante You sucked that guy's dick?!
Veronica Yeah, how do you think I knew that he...
Dante Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys! You never mentioned him.
Veronica Because I never had sex with him.
Dante You sucked his dick!
Veronica We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.
Dante Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?!
Veronica Because I did only have sex with three different guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Oh my God, I feel so nauseous.
Veronica Sorry, Dante. I thought you understood.
Dante I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Please calm down.
Dante How many?
Veronica Dante!
Dante How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Let it go!
Dante How many?
Veronica All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante This is different! This is important! How many? Well?
[A customer comes up to the counter and Dante helps her while Veronica does some math]
Veronica Um... something like 36.
Dante WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE 36!?
Veronica Lower your voice.
Dante Wait, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that include me?
Veronica Um... 37.
Dante I'M 37!?
Veronica I'm going to class.
Dante Oh my God. 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
[the customer walks up to pay]
Customer In a row?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Customer Inquires About Recent Movie Release
Customer Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
The Importance of Meaningful Work
Female Customer It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged ] for artificial insemination.
[[animals]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Discussions on Attraction and Consent
Veronica You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.
Dante Animal, mineral or vegetable.
Veronica Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.
Dante They put up the least amount of struggle.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
An Accidental Mishap at the Funeral Home
Dante I can't fuckin believe you!
Randal I'm tellin you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!
Randal I was just leanin on it! It was an accident!
Dante Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal So the casket fell over, big deal!
Dante Her fuckin body fell out!
Randal Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks somethin'!
Dante Just go. Just go open the video store!
Randal Shut the fuck up, junkie!
Dante Just go. Just go open the video store.
Jay Yeah, cock-smoking clerk!
Dante And how many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
Jay I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin bout?
Customer Yo, you got anything, man?
Jay Yeah, man. What you want, man?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Observations on Pricing and Unusual Jobs
Dante Did you ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal You know how much wage the average jizz-mopper make per hour?
[looking at a pornographic magazine]
Dante What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal He's the guy that cleans up the nudie-booths after each guy that jerks off.
Dante Nudie booth?
Randal Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been to a nudie booth?
Randal Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like ten bucks.
Dante What kind of show?
Randal Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body. Any opening!
Dante Can we not talk about this now?
Randal The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load. Practically everybody does it right on the window, and I don't know if you noticed or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Highly-Offended Customer I will never come to this place again.
Dante Excuse me?
Highly-Offended Customer Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired!
Dante I'm sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.
Highly-Offended Customer Well, I don't know if "sorry" can make up for it. You've highly offended me.
Randal Well, you think that's offensive, check this out! I think you can see her kidneys!
[shows customer the magazine's centerfold; the customer runs out screaming]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Service Does Not Equal Affection
Taglines Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
A Unique Family Dynamic Explored
Randal Graves Shit, my mom's been fucking a dead guy for 30 years. I call him Dad.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Conflict over Attendance at a Funeral
Dante You gotta watch the store. I gotta go to this.
Randal Wait, wait, wait. Has it ever occurred to you that I might be bereaved as well?
Dante You hardly knew her!
Randal True, but do you know how many people are gonna be there? All of our old classmates, to say the least.
Dante Stop. This is beneath even you.
Randal I'm not gonna miss what is probably gonna be the social event of the season.
Dante You hate people!
Randal But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
A Simple Promise of Quality
Taglines It Delivers.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Friendship and Mortality in a Conversation
Dante Thanks for puttin me in such a tough spot. You're a good friend.
Randal She was pretty young, huh?
Dante Twenty-two. Just like us.
Randal An embolism in a pool.
Dante What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante How'd he die?
Randal He broke his neck.
Dante That's embarrassing?
Randal He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
Dante Shut the hell up.
Randal I swear.
Dante Stop it.
Randal Bible truth.
Dante Oh my God.
Randal Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?
Dante No!
Randal Yeah, right. You're so repressed.
Dante Because I never tried to suck my own dick?
Randal No, because you won't admit to it. As if a guy's a fuckin pervert because he tries to go down on himself. You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it.
Dante Who found him?
Randal My cousin? My aunt found him. It was a mess. He was on his bed, with his legs doubled over himself. My aunt freaked out.
Dante Man, he had his dick in his mouth?
Randal Yeah. Balls restin on his lips.
Dante Wow! He really made it.
Randal Yeah, but at what a price?
Dante I could never reach.
Randal Reach what?
Dante Y'know.
Randal What, your dick?
Dante Yeah, like you said. I guess everyone gets curious and tries it sometime.
Randal I never tried it. Fuckin pervert.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Cigarette Spending Among Smokers Discussed
Chewlies Gum Rep You're spending what? 20, maybe 30 dollars a week on your cigarettes?
Angry Smoking Crowd Yeah.
Woolen Cap Smoker 40.
Smoker #1 Something like that.
Smoker #2 53.
Chewlies Gum Rep 53 dollars a week on cigarettes?! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? Cause that's what you're doing now by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.
Angry Smoking Crowd Hey man, we gotta croak sometime.
Chewlies Gum Rep It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs.
Dante Now wait a second!
Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hatemongers that were just following orders.
Angry Smoking Crowd Who's that?
Chewlies Gum Rep They were called Nazis!
Woolen Cap Smoker Nazis, that's right.
Angry Smoking Crowd Fuckin Nazi!
Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth, just like your cigarettes are doing now.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Inquiring About Video Availability
Mother Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal Yeah. What're you looking for?
Mother Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Randal Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now. Let me make sure they got it. What's it called again?
Mother Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Child Happy Scrappy.
Mother She loves it.
Randal Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352. I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns 3, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone 2: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yep. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?
[to the distributor; to the mother]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Indifference to Movie Recommendations
Video Store Customer They say so much, but they never tell you if they're any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
[holding two videos]
Randal What?
Video Store Customer Are either one of these any good?
Randal I don't watch movies.
Video Store Customer Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Video Store Customer You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Nope.
Video Store Customer Well, what about these two?
Randal Oh, they suck.
Video Store Customer These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal No, I wasn't.
Video Store Customer I don't think your manager would appreciate—
Randal I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Video Store Customer I beg your pardon?
Randal Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Video Store Customer I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal And I hope it feels good.
Video Store Customer You hope what feels good?
Randal I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Video Store Customer Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal You'll be missed.
Video Store Customer Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
[runs to door]
Jay Yeeaahhh!
[standing outside]
Randal Screw me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Critique of Local Community Behavior
Randal Graves Bunch of savages in this town.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Confrontation About Life Choices and Responsibilities
Dante You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating a corpse, and then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go. Trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself! "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for havin what's basically a monkey's job. You push fuckin buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You, you're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man, he has no delusions about what he does, what he is. Us? We like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fuckin advanced, what are we doin working here?
[mimicking]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Frustration with Work Life
Taglines This Job Sucks
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Frustration with Difficult Customers
Randal Graves Everybody who comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Unexpected Presence at Work
Dante Hicks I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.