Daddy Day Care (2003) - Quotes

Taglines: Who's your Daddy?

Taglines: D-Day Is Coming.

Charlie: [looks around room] Whoa! Hey, little man! I'd say this wasn't a bad trade-off.

Ben: Yeah, Dad.

Miss Harridan: [put the flyer on her desk; to Jenny] Rock for Daddy Day Care. Help us finance our new permanent home". Do you know what this means?

Jenny: It's a chance to improve ourselves through a little healthy competition?

Miss Harridan: [frustrated; turns away in anger] No, you bubble-headed idiot. It's a death sentence. If they get their hands on a big enough space, they'll ruin me. They're selling fun. I can't compete with fun. I should've crushed them in the beginning when they were weak. It'll be harder now, but I have no choice. I've got to stop them.

Jenny: How're you gonna do that?

Miss Harridan: [turns back to Jenny and smiles cruelly] By any means necessary.

Charlie: Hey, big guy! How'd it go in there?

Max: I missed.

Charlie: What's that mean?

Max: I missed!

Charlie: [realizing he's not kidding; slowly opens the bathroom door, the Psycho theme starts playing as he gazes in horror at the bathroom walls and the ceiling offscreen, and closes the door in disgust] Oh, hell no.

Jamie: 911, Mommy.

Jamie's Mom: Oh, such a good girl!

Becca: We need more learning about things!

Charlie: More learning about things?

Becca: Yes. We're at a very critical age. You have to feed our minds!

Charlie: [to Phil] Today, we need some organization and planned activities.

Phil: No. We need Ritalin and leashes, that's what we need.

Charlie: This is the right address.

Kim: You gotta be kidding me!

Charlie: Hey, we can at least check it out, you know!

Kim: Ben is NOT going here!

Charlie: Looks can be deceiving, let me just go take a look!

Kim: Looks can be deceiving"?! We're in a trailer park!

Trailer Park Lady: Yeah...???

Charlie: I might've made a mistake; I'm looking for the preschool.

Trailer Park Lady: [putting her cigarette away; flips around a "BEWARE OF DOG" sign to reveal that "TOUCH OF EDEN PRESCHOOL" is written on the back; goes into a smoking induced coughing fit] Oh-ho, yes, it is! Welcome to the- Sorry...Welcome to the Touch of Eden Preschool, can I help you?

Charlie: [realizing that Kim was totally right; the next place on their list is a farmhouse owned by an old couple. They walk up to an old woman fanning herself] Oh, no thank you... Is this the right place???

Kim: I think so...

Old Woman: [gets up to greet Charlie and Kim] Hello...

Charlie: Hi!

Old Woman: [leads Charlie and Kim off the porch] We keep the children right around here!

Old Woman's Husband: Go ahead! After you, ma'am!

Charlie: Where'd you get the address to this place?!

Kim: No, you picked this place!

Charlie: [the third and final stop on their tour is a seemingly normal house] We should report this to somebody! Alright, now that's what I'm talking about! See, I knew there had to be at least ONE decent place in town!

Kim: Yeah, it looks alright...

Police Officer: [through the megaphone] THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED.

Charlie: [freaking out] OH, SHIT! GO!!

Kim: So, Pooch, how was your first day at school?

Ben: Okay.

Kim: Just Okay?

Ben: I don't know anybody there.

Kim: [to Charlie] Oh, well, give it some time. You'll make some friends. How was your day, baby?

Charlie: I lost my J-O-B.

Kim: You lost your J-O-B?

Charlie: I got F-I-R-E-D. Me and 300 other people.

Kim: They cannot do that. What about Jim Fields? Can't he do something?

Charlie: Jim Fields is the one that pulled the trigger. Now, he's not gonna be inclined to do anything cause when I found out it was him, I told him he could take a flying F...

Kim Hinton: Charlie!

Charlie: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P. Don't worry about this. I'm a guy in demand, and I'll have a new job in a week. A week.

Jim: We're killing it.

Charlie: Hey, come on Jim, we had one bad test and it's a hard nut to crack. Any fool can sell chocolatey chocolate balls and cotton candy-flavored cereal to kids, man.

Jim: [takes out his notebook and a pen and writes something down] Cotton candy. That's not bad. Hey guys, look, I'm sorry, but it was a dog. Kids just don't want to eat vegetables for breakfast. Who knew?

Charlie: It's exactly what I told you six months ago when you put us on this project.

Jim: You did? Well, it's not just Veggie-O's. We're shutting down the whole health division.

Phil: [appalled] That's like 300 people.

Jim: Yeah, it's just not a business we want to be in.

Mr. Broccoli: [claps twice; starts shouting and dancing while The Message by Grand-Master Flash plays] B-R-O-CC-O-L-I! I am the broccoli, and don't know why! C-A-RR-O and a T! Carrots are healthy for you and me! Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go carrot! Go carrot! Go carrot...

Marvin: [timid] No, I don't wanna....

Mr. Broccoli: Hello, boys and girls! Zowie, do we have a special treat for you today!

Marvin: [reading off of flashcards that he's holding in his hand; drops the flashcards; tries to bend over to get his cards; falls over onto his face; struggling to get up off the floor] Hey! We have a brand-new cereal! You're the first kids- Help!

Mr. Broccoli: [decides to stand in for Marvin; pretends to blow smoke off the barrel of some finger guns] It's super yummy and LOADED... with all sorts of stuff that's good for you! And do you know what we call it? VEGGIE-OOOOOOOOOS!!!

Kid: THIS CEREAL SUCKS!!

Phil: They're turning on us...

Charlie: Give it a chance, let them get it in their mouths...They gotta taste it.

Kid: [throwing a bowl of Veggie-Os at the one-way mirror] TAKE THAT!

Marvin: HELP ME, CHARLIE!!!

Mr. Broccoli: Not in the Face! SAVE YOURSELF, CARROT!!!

Charlie: Call security now - OH, SH - OH! HEY! STOP THAT!

Charlie: What's going on?

Phil: Your worst nightmare.

Charlie: What?

Phil: Mr. Broccoli's a no-show.

Actor: He got a callback for a potato chip commercial.

Charlie: These snack foods are killing us!

Phil: Yeah, I know...

Charlie: [looks around for a replacement for Mr. Broccoli, his eyes land on Marvin, a nerdy outcast who's pilfering through the mail] Marvin!

Marvin: Yeah?

Phil: [to Charlie] Marvin? The guy who smells the mail?

Charlie: [quietly to Phil; loudly] Yes, look; we need a guy who can wear a broccoli suit, not a normal person. Marvin, my man! My friend Marvin! Hey man, what's going on today? Listen, we need a favor: We're having a little focus group in there and the guy who's supposed to wear the broccoli suit left, so you can put the suit on and cover for us.

Marvin: [notices the guy in the carrot suit] No...I just can't do the broccoli, cause it's just not me. Sorry... Hey, can I be the carrot, though?

Charlie: Yeah...Yeah, you can be the carrot! Let him try the carrot on!

Actor: No!

Charlie: You're gonna be the broccoli!

Actor: I don't wanna be the bush!

Charlie: It's not a bush, it's a stalk of broccoli! It's a strong stalk of broccoli!

Actor: [considering] I'm pretty strong...

Charlie: Yeah, you can make that work! Let's go in here and you go switch this suit on and get the broccoli! Trust me on this thing, let's go!

Ben: Good morning, Daddy.

Charlie: [wakes up; yawns] Hey, Ben, how you doing, man? Oh, God. Daddy's got to get ready for work.

Ben: Can't you stay home?

Charlie: No, I got a big day at work today. A real big day.

Max: [While Charlie is explaining a play for football] How about we just run in a circle?

Marvin: [throws down his magazine] THIS STUFF - IS NOT FOR SALE!

Marvin: [after realizing that he has painted glue on his face instead of face paint; screams in horror along with Jamie] That's not paint! It's glue!

Marvin: [seeing Tony's discarded Flash costume on the floor] OH MY GOD, THEY VAPORIZED HIM!!!

Phil: Let's get safety gate crazy.

Phil: When The Carrot is done with you, you will be nothing but a kumquat!

Charlie: Any boob can run a day-care center, but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're gonna be from now on: a family.

Charlie: If you don't stop it with that Star Trek stuff, I'm gonna push you in that sticker bush.

Charlie: [while leading Miss Harridan into his house] Is there anything I can get you to drink? Coffee, tea, water, eye of newt?

Charlie: [walking into Chapman Academy] Look at this place. It's Princeton for preschoolers.