Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) - Quotes

Casual Greeting Between Characters

Archie: [chuckling] Hey, baby!

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Unexpected Bathroom Break During Urgent Situation

Pepito: Psst. Hey, Doc. Homey is on the move. His hormones are raging.

Pepito: There he goes!

John: Hold it.

Eric: [groans; groans] I was only going to the bathroom.

John: You can hold it. I know that trick.

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A Romantic Evening for Two

John: Okay, candles, fruit, cheese, wine. Perfect.

Lisa: What are you doing?

John: Oh, hey, honey. I'll tell you what I'm doing. It's all about you tonight, baby. I've sent the children to the movies, and the bear is camping in the woods. We're all alone.

Pepito: Oh, yes, all alone.

John: [clears throat] One second.

Pepito: No, you cannot see me. I am at one with the couch. I am blended perfectly, interwoven into every fiber. Oops! I can give you some pointers!

John: So much for the intrusions.

Pepito: Hey, come on. It ain't no fun if the homeys can't see none.

John: Now, where were we?

Lisa: You were thinking candles and wine would make up for ignoring me the last few days.

John: I'm sensing a little resistance. I took that into consideration. Here's something you won't be able to resist.

Lionel Richie: ♪ And I feel with you ♪

John: Is this our wedding song?

Lisa: That's not fair.

John: Is this the first thing you ever danced to as Mrs. Dolittle?

Lucky: The show is about to start.

Archie: What show?

John: It is! It truly is!

John: ♪ I'm truly in love ♪

Archie: ♪ With Mrs. Dolittle ♪

John: ♪ Truly in love with you, girl ♪

Archie: Oh, he's so good.

Lucky: Let me tell ya, he scratched my belly the other day, my leg went crazy.

God Beaver: Hey, what's going on?

Archie: Apparently, he's truly, truly in love with her.

Joey: Hey, Doc, give her some garbage. Chicks like garbage.

John: How about planting a little sugar on Dr. D's lips?

Lisa: I think I can do that.

John: Oh, really?

Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Lucky: Go, Doctor! Go, Doctor!

Archie: D'oh!

Lisa: Ohh!

Deer: [gasps] He broke her!

John: Get outta here, all of you!

God Beaver: The kid's got moxie.

John: This ain't no peep show!

Archie: But this is really helpful. I'm learning a lot. Truly.

John: Just get out of here. We'll discuss it tomorrow.

Lucky: Uh-oh. Busted.

Lisa: You're gonna discuss what tomorrow?

John: Oh. Well, I w-I was- Well, baby, why don't we just pick it up where we left off.

Lisa: Baby?

John: Hmm?

Lisa: Why don't you sleep on the couch?

Archie: W-Wait, what'd she say, Doc?

John: She said she loves me so much, I get to sleep on the couch.

Archie: You're the man!

John: [clears throat] Yes, I'm the man. I'm the man on the couch.

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Archie's Struggle for Ava's Attention

Archie: Look out, Ava! There's a new Archie in town! Oh, yeah! That feels good! Feel it coming! Feel the burn! Feel the wind! Feel the muscle cramp! Oww! Aah! Oww!

John: Come on, Archie, don't quit. Dig deep. Let's go!

Archie: I think I pulled my butt muscle. Ouch. It stings. My butt stings. Could you rub my butt? Could you rub it, please? Rub my butt. Come back here, rub my butt. Please rub my butt.

Lucky: [narrating] Doc finally realized he was never gonna make Archie fast enough or strong enough to impress Ava, but maybe, maybe he could make him sweet enough.

Archie: Wow, how could anybody be so beautiful?

John: Why don't you tell her that?

Archie: Oh, I don't know. I... Oh, my... What is that?

John: Oh, that's Sonny. That's her little "bearfriend." She told me about him.

Archie: But he's a Kodiak bear.

John: Hey, don't get discouraged, man. Listen, you can win her over. The key to winning a woman over is, figure out what she likes. Take my wife.

Archie: Please!

John: Don't do that. This is serious.

Archie: I'm sorry.

John: My wife, she likes to be surprised.

Archie: Like jumping out of the bushes, screaming?

John: No, nothing like that. They like romance. Do something romantic. Something that says, "I'm thinking about you all the time." You know?

Archie: Wow, that's really nice. You do stuff like that all the time?

John: I used to. But lately I've been, you know, all caught up in this, so I guess I'm a little out of practice.

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Archie's Lackluster Show Business Aspirations

John: You sure you don't want another one of these things?

Archie: No, I'm fine.

John: Okay. I got a question for you, Archie. Let's say you spend your whole life in show business. Right? What's gonna be your big finish? Every act has to have a big finish.

Archie: Big finish? Check it out. San Francisco Bee. Quote. "The best thing about Archie's act is when it's finished." End quote.

John: No, I mean in life. Who you gonna share your success with, your hopes, dreams, fears and failures? I tell you what. Everything I do wouldn't mean anything if didn't have my wife and kids to go home to.

Archie: Sometimes I do get very lonely. I've never been in love.

John: Okay, this is your big chance. I think Ava really likes you.

Archie: Did she say something? What'd she say?

John: You gotta learn to read between the lines sometimes.

Archie: She loves me? I knew it!

John: Hey, let's not get carried away. All right, Archie?

Archie: [burps] I feel like I'm about to burst. So, this is what love feels like, right? Oh. Or maybe it's the marshmallows.

John: I think it's the marshmallows. You ate a whole bag of em.

Archie: Doc, tomorrow you're gonna see a brand-new bear.

John: You know, Archie, I think I'm gonna call it a night.

Archie: Don't go. It's a little scary out here for me. Can you stay here till I fall asleep?

John: Okay, I'll wait till you fall asleep. Then I'm leaving.

Archie: Hey, Doc?

John: Yes, sir?

Archie: Can you leave the light on?

John: Okay, light stays on.

Archie: I'll keep these here, okay?

John: Night, Archie.

Archie: Night, Doc. If you want a marshmallow, just gotta ask me, okay?

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Lessons and Conversations Among Friends

Lucky: [narrating] Meanwhile, the doctor gave Archie and me some lessons of our own.

Lucky: Could you leave a little for me? Technically, it is my--

Lucky: Just a thought.

John: Hey! What's going on here?

Lucky: I've been so blessed, I feel I should give back to the hot lady dog.

John: You don't have to put up with that. Get outta here!

Lucky: That is one hot fox.

John: What's the matter with you two? Don't you know that every female is looking for the strongest male?

Archie: But what about personality?

Lucky: I'm gonna die a virgin.

John: Shut up and listen. The strongest male is called the alpha male. The alpha male wants everybody to know he's the boss male. You have to be him-- the boss of all the males. You have to learn how to walk like the alpha male. Walk the walk.

Archie: Walk the walk.

John: And talk the alpha male talk!

John: It's about power and respect. It's about pure, uncompromised, testosterone-driven male power!

Lisa: John, didn't I ask you to line the garbage pails?

John: You line em your damn self, woman!

Lisa: What?

John: I-I'm sorry, honey. I was talking to the animals. I got a little riled up. I was teaching em something.

Lisa: Stop messing with those animals and go and get us something to eat.

John: I'm on my way. Going right now, honey.

Lisa: Go.

Lucky: Way to go, alpha male. Talk the talk.

John: Shut up!

Lisa: Who are you telling to shut up?

John: I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the animals. I'm going to get the food.

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Teens Take Advantage of Opportunity

Lucky: [narrating] Meanwhile, while the cat's away, the mice will play, and by mice I mean teenagers.

Eric: All right, they still closed?

Charisse: Yes.

Possum: Here they come.

Charisse: You did all this?

Joey: Okay, boys, this is it. Remember what the Doc said. If this punk tries anything fresh, we let him have it. Capisce?

Eric: I got wings, legs, tacos, whatever.

Pepito: Taco? Did somebody say taco?

Joey: No, no, blend in, blend in. You're gonna blow our cover.

Eric: Charisse, there's something I been meaning to do since we got out here.

Charisse: Oh, really. What's that?

Eric: This.

Joey: Now!

Eric: Eeeew!

Drunk Monkey: He French-kissed me! Blecch! Blah! Blah!

Joey: Now, that worked out nicely. The drinks are on me, Jenny.

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Confronting Challenges and Emotions in Conversation

Black Pig: [imitating [[Hannibal Lecter|Hannibal Lecter] Hello, Clarice.

Archie: Uh, Doc, this isn't necessary.

John: It's time for a little tough love. Come on.

Young Zoo Bear: Look, Iggy! What's the matter, boy? Couldn't make it on the outside?

Archie: Hey--

Young Zoo Bear: Come on in, powder puff.

John: Go on in there.

Archie: But wh-why?

John: There's a couple bears inside that want to meet you. Go. Come on.

Archie: I'll just sit over on that side of the cell.

John: I'm tired of this madness.

Archie: Don't be scared.

Young Zoo Bear: I'll bite ya!

John: Yes, Dolittle. Oh, hi, honey!

Old Zoo Bear: Don't like to hunt? Don't like to fish? You know what I would give to be in the forest instead of in this dump?

Archie: Uh, Doc!

Young Zoo Bear: Do I hear someone talking?

Archie: No, no.

Young Zoo Bear: See, that's the problem with kids today-no respect. Kid think he knows my life.

Old Zoo Bear: He needs us to teach him a lesson.

Archie: N-No, I just--

Old Zoo Bear: I'm gonna give him a bear hug. Get over here let me give you a bear hug. Get over here, Tiny.

John: No, it's actually going quite well. I finally got this under control.

Bears: ♪ Her name was Lola ♪

Archie: Yeah!

Bears: ♪ She was a show bear ♪

Archie: Whoo!

John: Lisa, let me call you back.

Bears: ♪ With yellow feathers in her hair ♪ ♪ And her dress cut down to there ♪

Archie: Where?

Bears: ♪ At the Copa ♪

Archie: Yes!

Bears: ♪ Copacabana ♪

Archie: Doc, apparently everyone in this place loves musicals.

Archie: I'm kidding. I'll try harder.

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Understanding Bear Hibernation and Its Challenges

Archie: Now, explain this again. I'm supposed to climb into a small, dark space and sleep for six months?

John: That's what bears do. It's called hibernation.

Archie: Sounds more like depression. Wait, how do I eat?

John: Well, you don't eat. What you do is, you eat a lot during the summer. That lasts you throughout the whole winter.

Archie: Where do I go to the bathroom?

John: No going to the bathroom.

Archie: [laughing] What? You're kidding.

John: I'm serious. What you do is, a week before you hibernate you start eating things like dirt and moss and hair and grass, and it forms a big plug in your, um-- it p-plugs up your, uh- Uh, you know.

Archie: It blocks my butt?

Archie: Whoa, wait. You want me to sleep for six months with a big cork in my butt?

John: Yeah, that's the idea of it.

Archie: Okay, good-bye! See ya later!

John: Hey, Archie, come back here!

Archie: Nope, I'm gone! See ya!

John: Archie!

Archie: Hey, heading south?

John: Archie, nobody's gonna pick up a hitchhiking bear.

Archie: Look, I'll split the gas and sit in the back with the kids.

John: Come on, Archie, stop it.

Archie: I'm sorry, Doc. This isn't working out. I almost drowned. Ava doesn't like me.

John: Look, I'm tired of your complaining. Archie. OK? Look up in this tree. What do you see, huh?

Archie: Bird.

John: Right. A bird in his home. On the branch below him there's a squirrel in his home. And there's a little rabbit in his home. All these animals are depending on you. Hey. you can do this. Just listen to your inner bear. OK? Just trust him. He'll tell you what to do. Just trust him, Archie. Come on.

Archie: Okay, but I gotta tell ya, my inner bear has a problem with the butt plug.

John: All right, that's it, I'm gonna show you what happens to animals that don't have a home. Come on.

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Bears and Survival Skills in Winter

TV Narrator: Bears are opportunistic eaters, finding food wherever they can.

Archie: Can we please see what else is on?

John: You need to watch this so you can learn... how to feed yourself and survive during the winter.

Archie: What is he doing? Digging?

John: You never even wondered what your sharp claws was for?

Archie: Uh, no.

Narrator: Bears are excellent swimmers.

Archie: [shudders] Not this bear.

John: I know you're not gonna tell me you don't know how to swim.

Archie: Wait, you haven't heard? There's a new invention. it's called... the boat!

John: That's the last straw. Get up at dawn. I'm teaching you how to fish.

Archie: How bout noon-ish?

John: Unbelievable.

Lucky: [narrating] And so began the bear-athon, a training mission so "grizzly," so un-bear-able, so hairy-that's enough.

John: Archie, let's do it. This river's full of fish. Let's go.

Archie: Yup. So is Red Lobster.

John: Don't look at me, look at the water. That's where the fish are.

Archie: They're moving. Oh, man, one just touched me. One just touched me!

John: Look, you big, furry baby, put your face down right now and grab a fish!

Archie: No!

John: Archie! I want to do just like you saw on TV. Put your face under the water and catch a fish can do it. Come on, man. I'm here with you. Go under the water.

Archie: All right! I'll try it.

John: All right, one, two, three...

Fish #1: That's Archie!

Fish #2: What's up?

Fish #3: What's up?

Wassup Fish: What's up?

Archie: [gurgling] Hey, fellas, what's up?

John: Okay, okay, get one.

Archie: [gurgling] Can't breathe!

John: Archie!

Archie: Can't breathe!

John: [grunting, panting] Hey! Archie. Archie!

John: OK, Archie. You tell me how smart do you have to be to lift your head out of the water when you can't breathe?

Archie: I saw a light. It was a bright light. It was beautiful.

John: OK, That;s it. We're gonna take you on a little trip right now that's gonna toughen you up. Come on.

Archie: What? What?

John: We're gonna find something even you can catch. Come on.

Archie: I saw my grandma.

John: Go on, eat.

Archie: Oh, I...

John: Come on, eat!

Archie: [sniffs] They're-I don't eat, uh- I'm good. Thanks. Okay, am I close?

Lucky: Cold.

Pepito: Use the Force.

Archie: Colder? Warmer?

Lucky: Arctic.

Lisa: So, how's it going?

John: It's going great, honey. I'm not even gonna need three weeks. Honey, look, he's already foraging grapes. Right?

Eric: Why's he walking away from em?

John: He's not walking away. He's circling the grapes.

Eric: Why? Are they dangerous grapes?

John: No, no, the grapes aren't dangerous, Eric.

Archie: Seriously, where are the grapes?

John: Don't worry, he's doing great. We're right on schedule.

Archie: [crashing down stairs] I'm getting dizzy! Ohh! Oh! Oww! I'm okay! Concrete broke my fall! Definite bruise.

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Enjoying a Peaceful Night Outdoors

John: Hey.

Charisse: Hey.

John: [sighs; inhales, sighs] Perfect night.

John: Sitting here, breathing fresh country air, listening to the crickets chirp.

Charisse: Yep.

John: You know what the crickets are saying?

Charisse: Dad, I don't speak to the animals. You're the one who understands em, not me. Little monkeys don't come up to me asking me for a 40-ounce. I don't say, "Can I help you, little animal? Need a shot?" I don't do that. I'm in my room listening to music. You see me talking to the animals?

John: Hey, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey! Slow it down a second. I was just gonna tell you that crickets are natures thermometers, that's all. You can tell how cold it is by how fast they chirp.

Charisse: It seems a little cold out here, doesn't it?

John: Yeah, a little nippy.

Charisse: Maybe I need to go get my vest. Yeah.

Eric: Yo, Dr. Dre is still the best. Hey, and get a tuneup, man. Get a tuneup. Yo, what's up, baby?

Charisse: Hey, Eric.

Charisse: Mmm!

John: H-H-Hey! Hey! You left your homey!

Eric: What's up, Dr. D?

John: I don't know, Eric. Maybe you should tell me.

Eric: Yo, man, I came to visit. Since y'all love me so much, I was gonna stay a couple days.

John: No, no. Hell, no. Charisse, I don't understand.

Charisse: What's not to understand, Dad?

John: Eric with bags. I don't understand that.

Charisse: He's staying here for a couple nights. Mama said so.

John: Oh, your mother said so.

Charisse: Yes.

John: Oh, okay. Eric, you gonna be on the floor in the living room in a sleeping bag, if you don't have a problem with that. By the way, Eric, I'm watching you. And not just me. I got eyes all around the woods. You know I talk to the birds. Right?

Charisse: Thanks, Dad.

John: Yes, so watch your back.

Eric: [laughs] I feel you.

John: You feel me? Okay. All right. I'm watching... I'm watching you, Eric! I'm watching your back!

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A Unique Introduction to Romance

John: Okay, Archie, you're on.

Archie: What do I say to her?

John: Get to know her a little. Tell her about yourself.

Archie: [nervous chuckle] Hi! I'm Archie. I like moonlit walks on the beach, uh, sharing slop buckets with that special someone, and the soulful sounds of the Backstreet Boys.

Ava: You're very weird.

Archie: Weird, as in sexy?

Ava: No, just weird.

John: Hey, Archie, uh, why don't you let me take it from here? That was good.

Archie: [whispers] Okay. Damn!

John: What do you think of Archie? Cute?

Ava: Oh, don't make me eat you.

John: Stop that. He's a little uncomfortable around the female species at first--

Ava: That's not even really the point. I need a real bear, someone who can hunt and protect and provide for me.

John: Oh. Okay. I can understand that.

Ava: Oh, and I'm already involved with someone.

John: Really? You have a boyfriend already-a "bearfriend." Are you in love this bear?

Ava: Love"? My cousin married for love, and the next thing she knows... he's two-timing her with this hot little grizzly in a cave up north.

John: Okay, so you're not in love?

Ava: No.

John: All right, let's make a deal. Don't make any decisions for a month. I'm gonna go work with Archie, and in a month's time I'm gonna turn that bear... into a bear that you'll be proud to have little bear cubs with.

Archie: [crunch] Check it out! I've flipped for you... Pinecone. Gah!

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Humorous Exchange Among Animal Characters

John: You're not a real bear. You're Wayne Newton in a bear suit.

Archie: So dirty. Look at my paws.

John: It's the woods, Archie. Its chief component is dirt.

Archie: Wait. Hey, Doc, is that her? She's a babe.

John: Yeah, that's her.

Archie: Oh. Look at the way she moves. Man, would I love to see her wet.

John: I tell you what. I'm gonna go over and introduce you. You just wait over there. OK?

Archie: Yeah, good. Hey, tell her I really dig her fat pouch, but don't be crude.

John: I'll try to work that in.

Archie: Okay, good. Wait, hey... Gah!

Ava: Are you coming over here? I'm a little busy foraging.

John: Hi.

Ava: Hi.

John: Hello. My name is John.

Ava: I'm Ava.

John: Hi, Ava. That's a pretty name. Nice to meet you.

Ava: Hi.

John: Hey, uh, quick question, Ava. How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?

Ava: You're real cute, but I don't go interspecies.

John: I'm not talking about me. I shoulding have said man. I should've said bear. The bear of your dreams. What do you think of that big, magnificent hunk of bear there?

Ava: Um, I don't think I see him. Oh, is he standing behind that dork?

John: Oh, no, he is... Look, let me explain to you what's going on, all right? There's a logging company that's gonna tear down this whole forest, everything. The only thing that can stop em... is if I can get two Pacific Western bears together. You're a Pacific Western bear, and so is he. If I can get you together and you made little Pacific Western bears, then-- You see where I'm going with this?

Ava: [walks away] Uh-huh, yeah. Look, no offense, but I don't talk to bear pimps.

John: Hey, wait a minute. At least let me call him over so you can meet him. Archie, come over here.

Archie: Hey, Johnny, there you are. Come on. I thought we were gonna go work out. Jeez.

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Forest Adventures and Unexpected Encounters

Lucky: [narrating] So we all moved to the forest and waited for Archie to arrive. While the family settled, it was time I started looking out for number one.

Lucky: [chuckles; chuckles] Huh? ♪ Doo-do-do-do-doo ♪ This looks like as good a place as any. Ah, the simple pleasures of life. Holy lord! That wolf is a fox! I hope I don't have dog breath, you know, from licking my own-- Never mind. Oh, you like that, huh? Yeah, that was me. Plenty more where that came from.

Lucky: Grr" to you too. What is that, some kind of secret wild lady dog code for "You like me"? Yeah, I do some dancing. Here's a little move I call the back-scratcher. Pretty cool, huh? H-Hey, hot lady, wait. Where you going? Call me!

Lucky: [narrating] And so, the big day finally came, and I had a feeling the fur was gonna fly.

John: Okay, everybody, you all know why we're here. We're about to try to do something that's never been done before. Everyone thinks we can't pull this off, and they got their blades sharpened and their trucks ready to roll. But we're gonna prove em wrong, right? That's right. Now I want everybody to put their claws together. How about a big round of applause for the bear that's gonna lead the way? Let's hear it for Archie!

John: Yeah! Come on!

Archie: Are you ready to save the forest? ♪ Put your paws up Put your paws up, come on, now ♪

Squirrel: Is this some kind of joke?

Archie: [whispers] Hey, I wanna go serious on ya for a second. I know I've got my work cut out for me, but with your help I know one thing... Now. Go.

Archie: [off-key] ♪ I will survive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪♪ Everybody!

Deer: We're dead.

Crow: Nevermore.

Forest Animal: This show's over.

Rabbit: Let's go fool around.

God Beaver: You got your work cut out for you, Doc.

Archie: I'm done. Turn it off.

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Conflict Between Conservation and Industry Interests

Reporter: And in what must be one of the most unusual stories of the year, Dr. John Dolittle is trying to rewrite the laws of nature by attempting to reintroduce a performing bear into the wild. In doing so, he hopes to save an entire forest from destruction. It's Darwin versus Dolittle.

Jack Riley: Oh, get over yourself.

Joe Potter: Governor, I've got two lumber mills waiting for that wood.

Governor: I understand, Joe, but it's complicated. Especially if that endangered bear survives.

Joe Potter: I don't meet my quota, Governor, you're the one who's gonna be endangered.

Jack Riley: Now, now, J.P., not to worry.

Governor: That ridiculous bear is bound to screw up at least once.

Jack Riley: And when he does, you'll have yourself a new trophy.

Joe Potter: And I've got just the place to put him.

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Archie the Bear Takes Center Stage

Lucky: [narrating] So much for a family vacation. But Doc figured, how hard could this be? That was before he met Archie.

Emce: Ladies and gentlemen, he's the bear with flair, the walking rug with an adorable mug-Archie the bear!

Archie: ♪ Get your motor running ♪ ♪ Head out on the highway ♪ They love me. Go.

Archie: ♪ Born to be wi-i-i-ild ♪

Archie: Ow! Gee! ♪ And that's the show ♪♪ Whew! Big-boned gal, huh?

John: [chuckles] Oh. Yeah, I guess so.

Archie: Got any action shots? You know what I'm talking about.

John: No, I don't, but listen, you'd be lucky to wind up with somebody like her.

Archie: [chuckles] Look, I have had so many girlfriends, you know-- Okay, look, I've never had a girlfriend. just bring her by on Monday. That's when I'm dark. Okay?

John: I can't bring her here. You have to go to her.

Archie: Whoa, whoa. Go to her? Where?

John: Um, she's in the forest.

Archie: Ooh, uh, I don't play forests. I'm strictly a state fair, small arena-type bear.

John: Archie, Do you know what kind of bear you are?

Archie: Um, let's see. Yes. I'm a singer. Dancer-- three years tap, two years jazz.

John: No, Archie, you're an endangered species.

Archie: Is that a threat, buddy? Because my lawyer will be down here--

John: No, I'm not threatening you. You're a very rare bear. You're a Pacific Western bear. You know what that is?

Archie: Yes, I know what-- I can play any kind of bear. I've got range. Grizzly, panda. Here, check out my polar. I am freezing! It is cold!

John: I haven't made it clear. Let me break it down to you. Your ancestors come from the mountains of California.

Archie: Yes, blah, blah, blah.

John: When you were six months old, they took you from your mother and taught you to wiggle your hips to a recording of "Hound Dog.

Archie: No, no, I taught myself that. I admit I pander, cause I'm a pander bear! Get it? Ha ha ha! Pander!

John: Yeah, that's funny stuff, Archie. But listen, what I'm proposing to you is, I'd like to take you back to where your ancestors roamed, get you out in the woods and teach you to be a real bear.

Archie: Look, I like the bear I am. Okay? I'm famous! Have you been to the gift shop? I have my own beanie baby.

John: You do this, you'll be the most famous bear in all the world.

Archie: [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Pooh] Bigger than ]?

John: Are you kidding me? You pull this off, they'll be saying, "Winnie the who?

Archie: You've got yourself a bear.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Debate Over Bear Reintroduction and Survival

Lisa: No, Your Honor, we're simply asking for an injunction so that we might have the chance to save a species.

Jack Riley: [chuckles] Your Honor, this is a delaying tactic-slash-publicity stunt. I have affidavits signed by a range of experts who all concur that to take a bear raised in captivity and reintroduce it into the wild is, well, dangerous and irresponsible. Simply put, a bear raised by "circus folk" wouldn't know how to feed itself or interact with real bears, let alone make it through its first winter. No. it would certainly succumb to Darwin's law of nature: survival of the fittest.

Lisa: Actually--

Maya: Yeah, but Darwin never met my dad.

Judge B. Duff: Young lady, that's inappropriate behavior. And just who is your father?

John: Sir-- Your Honor, that's me. I'm her father. Name's Dolittle.

Maya: Dr. Dolittle.

Judge B. Duff: Dr. Dolittle. Do you feel you could rehabilitate a tame bear and mate it in the wild with a female?

John: Yes, I do, Your Honor.

Judge B. Duff: In that case, I'll grant a one-month delay on the harvesting of Campbell's Grove. For one month, Dr. Dolittle. That's it.

John: Thank you, sir.

Judge B. Duff: And, Doctor, if that bear should so much as set one paw in a campsite or this town, I'll rescind this order immediately.

Lisa: Thank you, Your Honor.

Reporter #1: Doctor! Dr. Dolittle! Over here!

Reporter #2: Dr. Dolittle! Dr. Dolittle, you speak to both domestic and wild animals. Can a circus bear relate to a forest bear?

John: Well, I don't know much about him except that he's been living in captivity, so I'm sure he'll be really happy to return to the wild.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Struggling with promises and personal desires

John: I know you're disappointed.

Charisse: Disappointed? About not going to Europe? Now, Dad, why would I be disappointed?

John: I made you a promise. I'm gonna stick to it. If you don't want me to do this, I'll understand. Okay?

Charisse: Like I can actually say no and not feel guilty for the rest of my life.

Maya: When do we leave?

John: As soon as we get a court order stopping the clear-cutting.

Lisa: Who's gonna argue the case?

John: Wh-Why you looking around?

Lisa: Me?

John: What, me? Not me. You.

Lisa: No, n-n-n-no.

John: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Lisa: No, no, John.

John: Yes, yes, yes.

Lisa: No. Don't make me do this.

John: [mock whimpering] Come on. For the animals. Do it for the animals.

Lisa: I don't do animal law.

John: That's species-ism. You're a species-ist. You re a species-ist!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Seeking Solutions for Forest Conservation Challenges

John: How do you save a forest, anyway?

Lisa: It's not gonna be easy, John. But I would assume the lumber companies have a lot of clout. I do know if there were a threatened or endangered species living in the forest, there are laws that protect it.

John: How am I gonna find out if there are any endangered animals in the forest?

Lisa: Well, you could ask Eugene.

Eugene: [He holding the orangutan] We found an endangered species of bear. A female whose mother had been killed by poachers. She's the only Pacific Western bear up there.

John: Good. One bear has to be protected.

Eugene: Well, no. The lawyers for Potter's Logging Company argued that since she's the only one there, there's no chance for survival of the species anyway. There'd have to be a male too.

Giraffe: Pardon me.

John: Why don't we get a male up there and let nature take its course?

Eugene: Unfortunately, The only male Pacific Western bear we could find was raised in captivity.

Giraffe: Excuse me.

Eugene: There's never been a bear raised in captivity that's been successfully reintroduced to the wild.

John: They've never had the world-famous love doctor making the introductions.

Giraffe: Psst! Doctor.

John: Excuse me a second.

Giraffe: Your man left the barn door open.

Eugene: Is something wrong?

John: Uh, d- Eh--

Eugene: Oh, jeez. Hope that Bam Bam didn't see that.

John: Oh, I'm sure... The giraffe is the one that was disgusted.

Eugene: I am so sorry.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Unexpected Fish Offer in a Conversation

John: Oh, no, thank you. I've eaten already.

Joey: Hey, the beaver offers you a fish, you take the fish.

Joey: Sorry, boss.

John: [chuckles] From the Bay Area families. Really? What are you guys, some kind of mafia?

Joey: Mafia? No. We don't know nothing about no mafia, do we, boys?

Possum: Nah, never heard of it.

John: No, that's a myth.

John: What do you guys want from me?

John: What, the other animals moving in on you or something?

John: Guys, you're talking to the wrong person. You need to contact one of those nature groups like the Sierra Club or, um--

Joey: Yeah, we can't fight humans on our own. They got guns, knives, pullout couches. Sure, I got rabies. I could bite somebody. But I can only do so much!

John: You guys have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

John: Me on your side? I didn't say I was gonna help you. I didn't say.

Squirrel: [sniffling] It's gone. Everything, gone.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Conversation About Cars and Animals

Lucky: [narrating] So, Doc, the raccoon and the possum took a road trip to meet this mysterious beaver.

Joey: Hey, Doc, nice wheels. What do you call this thing?

John: Oh, this is a Mustang.

Possum: Yo, Doc, is there a car named after me?

John: No, I don't think they make a Possum.

Possum: Why not?

John: Not a lot of cars named after rodents.

Joey: I wanna go over a couple ground rules for when you're in the beaver's presence. Number one: No sudden movements. Number two: Do not stare at his teeth. Between you and me, he's got a little bit of an overbite. I personally think he needs braces, but I'm not a dentist. Numbers three through ten: You will treat him with the respect he deserves. Capisce?

John: We're talking about a beaver, right?

Animal: Hey, Doc!

Joey: Hey, Tootie, how you doing?

Animal: Hey, Doctor, how are you?

Joey: Back away from him, Jimmy. Show some respect, you animals.

Owl: Look, the raccoon got the doctor.

Bird: He says he's a miracle worker.

John: Hello?

Joey: Paulie, get the boss ready.

Paulie: I'm doing everything like you say, Joey. I'm just, I'm gonna go get some acorns.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Repetition of a Name Among Friends

Maya: Say, "Maya.

Lucky: Maya.

Maya: Maya.

Lucky: Maya.

Charisse: What do you think you're doing?

Maya: I think he's about to say something.

Lucky: Bring me a bone.

Pepito: And a large order of flies. Super-sized.

Lucky: You will bring me ham, luncheon meats, cold cuts.

Charisse: Lucky, out.

John: Hey. Maya, can I talk to Charisse alone for a second?

Maya: Okay. Come on, boy.

John: [sighs] Charisse, look, I'm sorry about tonight. I'm thinking about cutting back a bit and spending more time with you guys.

Charisse: Great, now more animals will be here.

John: What if we don't stay here? We can go on a big vacation to Europe, the whole family.

Charisse: Are you serious?

John: I'm dead serious. We can go to Paris, Rome, the Greek islands. We always talked about that. What do you think?

Charisse: Is this a bribe?

John: Yes, this is a bribe.

Charisse: It's working.

Joey: Yo, Doc, one other thing...

John: Tomorrow!

Charisse: What?

John: Tomorrow.

Charisse: Tomorr...

John: Yeah. European vacation. Tomorrow-Tomorrow! We're going to Europe tomorrow.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Celebrating a Birthday with Friends

John: Come on, blow your candles out and make a wish.

Rat #1: Sweet...

Rat #2: Surprise!

Rat #1: Happy birthday!

Rat #2: It's your birthday! It's your birthday!

Rat #1: There's a mouse in the house!

Rat #2: Hey, give me that!

Rat #1: I am licking the candles!

Rat #2: Oh, yeah, you can lick my fat, funky little--

Rat #1: Hey, don't be a piggy!

John: Charisse, I'm so sorry.

Rat #2: Hey, watch the fur! Watch the fur, buddy! We're trying to do something nice for your daughter.

Rat #1: A couple of cute little kitties pop out, you'd say, "Oh, how cute! How cute!

John: [Hanging them over the edge of a window] But you're not. You're not- You're not-

Rat #1: Put me down!

John: Listen, you are not a couple of cute little kitties.

Rat #2: Yes, we are.

John: You are two disgusting rats...

Rat #2: No, we're not.

John: ...that just ruined the birthday cake.

Rat #2: Oh, so you wanna get personal now, dude? Well, do you know what "rats" spelled backwards is, mister? It's "star!

Rat #1: That's right! I'm the star, buddy!

John: Oh, really, is that right? Well, do you know what "ha" spelled backwards is?

Rat #2: Uh, no, I don't have any--

Rats: Aaaaah!

John: Exactly!

Rat #1: Could it be?

Rat #2: Yes, it is! Diapers!

Rat #1: My favorite! Chocolate!

Childhood Independence and Family Memories

John: Charisse has always had a mind of her own. When she was about a year and a half, she decided not to wear diapers anymore. Remember that?

Lisa: John.

John: She started having accidents around the house cause she didn't have it down yet. We'd have little piles--

Charisse: Dad, you just had to go there, didn't you?

John: This is family. We're talking the old days.

Eric: It's cool. I'm actually learning something here.

John: Really? You know what's interesting? You never learned to take off your hat at the dinner table. Isn't your head getting hot? Mine's hot just looking at you in that hat.

Lisa: Sixteen! Just think. In two years you'll be out of this house and on your way to college.

Charisse: One year, ten months, sixteen days.

John: You know what? Berkeley's a really close college. You could live at home, save money.

Charisse: That's a good idea. But I've already reserved a U-Haul for the day I graduated high school.

John: Oh. You reserved a U-Haul already?

Maya: Uh, Dad? Someone to see you.

Joey: Yo, step outside.

John: Thank you, sweetie. Excuse me, darling.

Charisse: Bye, Dad Love you.

John: I love you too. Excuse me, Eric.

Joey: Hey, hey, yo. Yo, down here. Okay.

John: What do you want?

Joey: First, let me say the beaver sends birthday greetings to your lovely daughter.

John: Really? That's very nice. Tell the beaver he's starting to get on my nerves.

Joey: Why are you getting bent out of shape? He only wants a moment of your time.

John: What if I say no?

Joey: I don't think you want to go down that road, my friend.

John: Go and tell the beaver, 8:00, my office, tomorrow.

Joey: Oh, the beaver don't travel for nobody. He knows you're a busy man, and he will remember this, but this is truly a life-or-death situation.

John: All right, shut up, listen. My car, 7:00 a.m. All right?

Joey: Hey, this is good news. The beaver likes good news.

John: Thank you.

Joey: Jimmy, get the car.

Mystery of Biggie Mack's Numbers Revealed

John: This is unbelievable. She has 50 numbers in here, not one of them is mine.

Lisa: You shouldn't be looking at that.

John: Why not? "Biggie Mack, cell. Biggie Mack, pager. Biggie Mack, home." Who the hell is Biggie Mack?

Lisa: I don't know, John.

John: I'm gonna find out who Biggie Mack is. I don't like that name. What the hell kind of name is that?

Eldon: What is that?

Eldon's Wife: Marcus's cell phone.

Eldon: Cell phone?

Eldon's Wife: Mm-hmm.

Eldon: When did he get a cell phone?

Eldon's Wife: Last week.

Lisa: What are you doing? John!

John: Shh! I'm checking out Biggie Mack.

Eldon: Hello.

John: Hey, who is this?

Eldon: Well, who is this?

John: Is this Biggie Mack?

Eldon: Who wants to know?

John: I'm asking the questions here, punk!

Eldon: What?

John: How old are you?

Eldon: None of your damn business.

John: What if I make it my business to find out how old you are?

Eldon: Are you threatening me?

John: I don't make threats! I'm promising you that if you ever--

Lisa: John!

Eldon: Is this John Dolittle?

Lisa: Hi, I'm so sorry. That's a wrong number.

John: That's a grown man on the other end of that phone.

Lisa: I wish I could say the same thing about you.

Lisa: The door.

John: I hear the door.

Lisa: Go get that door right now!

John: Who am I, Mr. French? I got to get doors? Just a minute.

Eric: Hey, Dr. D. What's up? it's me.

John: Me? Who's "me"? Back up, "me.

Eric: I'm saying, you gonna let me in? Dr. D. What's going on? Excuse me? Remember me? Eric, Domino's Pizza. Extra cheese, anchovies, guacamole?

John: You're the pizza guy, yeah.

Eric: I delivered that.

John: Thanks a lot, man. I forget to give you a tip? I'm sorry.

Eric: No, no, that's cool. You gave me something a little better than a tip.

John: I'm gonna take care of you. It's nice to have a little--

Eric: What's up, baby? What's going on? You ready?

John: Hold on. Wait. This is your date?

Charisse: Dad, Eric. Eric, Dad.

Eric: [chuckling] My man. What's up?

Charisse: Uh, Eric? Hmm, no. We have to stay here with the family and eat dinner.

Eric: Huh? It's cool with me.

John: Hey, Charisse, now, don't be like that. You gonna ruin dinner for everybody. Come on now.

Eric: You know what, pops? Don't sweat that. I know how to take care of her.

John: Pops?

Teenage Challenges and Parental Concerns

Lucky: Careful, Doc, she's 16. That's a tough age.

John: Hey! Charisse, open this door! Can you believe this? Hey!

Lucky: Try her cell.

John: I'm not calling on the cell phone while she's in her bedroom.

John: [growling] Hey! Charisse. Open the door! Okay. All right! Okay! Okay! Charisse! Charisse!

Drunk Monkey: [slurping, hiccuping; chuckles] Those teenagers, Doc. They can drive a man to drink.

John: Hey, what are you drinking?

Drunk Monkey: [[w:Gatorade|Gatorade] ].

John: [takes water pouch and smells drink] Oh, really? Give it to me.

Drunk Monkey: Hmph!

John: Gatorade make wine now, huh?

Drunk Monkey: Naaaah!

John: You better slow down.

Possum: Which one of you is Dolittle?

John: What now?

Possum: I have a message from the boss.

John: From the who?

Possum: The boss, the guard beaver. Save the questions and come with me.

John: You guys know the rules. You just don't come up here on my balcony. Make an appointment. You make an appointment Now, go. You tell the beaver make an appointment just like everybody else.

Possum: I can't tell him that. I'll end up sleeping with the fishes.

John: How's it gonna look in the paper when Dolittle throws a possum off the roof? That's not gonna look right. Now, leave, cause I will.

Possum: Watch your tone, buddy.

John: [muffled] Charisse!

Charisse: Talk.

John: This is Daddy. How are you?

Charisse: Hey!

John: I got a couple of questions for you. I wanna know how come I gotta climb up the side of a building and get on a cell phone to talk to you!

Charisse: Calm down. Where are you?

John: [muffled] I'm outside of the building, right here!

Charisse: Dad! Dad, what are you doing?

John: What am I doing? It's the only way I can reach you! What are you doing in here? What's all of that about? You don't do that in public, do you?

Charisse: Dance? Of course.

John: That's not dancing. That's advertising. What's this about you don't want to spend your birthday with your family?

Charisse: Having dinner with your family is something you do when you're young, not when you're turning 16. Besides, I have a date.

John: You can bring your date cause you're coming to dinner.

Charisse: Cool! Eric, these are my parents and my little sister. They're joining us on our date.

John: [finds Charisse's report card] No, he's gonna be joining us at a family event. We have it every year. I don't even know why-- What's this?

Charisse: Dad, that's private.

John: I can see why it's private. it's embarrassing. You got two C's and a D.

Charisse: [chuckles] Embarrassing? Dad, you are the last person who should talk about anything being embarrassing.

John: What are you talking about? What's that supposed to mean?

John: I'm supposed to stop helping the animals because you find it embarrassing?

Charisse: That's not gonna happen.

John: That's right. It's not gonna happen. So forget about it. You're coming to dinner. Look at this. No cell phone for a week.

Charisse: What am I supposed to do without my cell phone?

John: Here's some stamps. Learn how to write a letter. You think I care? Do I look like I care? Look at me. No, Charisse.

Charisse: No.

John: Look at me. Do I look like I care? Look. I don't care.

Reunion of Friends After a Trip

John: Guess who's back from France!

Lisa: John?

John: Hey!

Lisa: Hey! How you doing?

John: [grunting] Hi, sweetie. I got you a present from Paris.

Lisa: That's for me?

John: Yes, that's for you. That's for us.

Lisa: [laughs] Oh!

John: I can enjoy this present as well.

Lisa: You know what would be a really nice present, though?

John: What's that?

Lisa: If you could keep that flock of your faithful away from the building.

John: I'm sorry. I'll talk to em later.

Maya: Daddy!

John: Hey, baby! How you doing? I got you a little present from Mexico.

Maya: Gracias. I wonder what it is.

Pepito: Aah! Earthquake! 9-1-1! Nueve-uno-uno!

John: Oh, no, no. I wouldn't shake it.

Pepito: Ow! My spleen! Ooh, that hurt.

Maya: Oh, he's so cute. Thanks, Dad.

Pepito: Hey, this isn't Puerto Vallarta.

John: It's a chameleon. It can change color against different backgrounds.

Pepito: The blendmaster is in the house! I gonna disappear! Now you see me- Poof! Now you don't, eh?

John: No, we can still see you.

Pepito: I'm not gone? I'm not invisible?

Lisa: You did remember Charisse's birthday?

John: I sure did. You remember to get the cake from Stinson's?

Pepito: How about now?

Lisa: Uh, actually, Charisse doesn't want to have a family birthday party.

John: What's that about? I thought we always celebrate together.

Pepito: You have anything green?

John: Take this thing to your room.

Pepito: Guacamole? A big pickle?

Lisa: She's got a date.

Pepito: I suck.

John: A date? With who?

Lisa: I didn't ask. She's a big girl now.

John: We'll see about this date thing. Where's the birthday girl at?

John: Uh, she's unreachable. What? Where is she?

Lisa: She's in her room with the door locked and headphones on. You could try paging her.

John: She's in the house and unreachable? I'm supposed to page her in my house. I'm gonna page somebody in my own house? Okay, we'll see if I'm gonna page some-- I ain't paging nothing!

A Conversation About the Doctor and Family

Lucky: [narrating] Yeah, it seemed everybody wanted a piece of the good doctor. And his family understood. Well, most of them did. But we'll get to that part in a minute.

John: Thank you.

Lucky: [narrating] Right now I gotta answer the door.

Lucky: [muttering] Yeah? Who's there?

John: It's me. I forgot my key. Open up.

Lucky: Then I guess you'll have to beg. Come on, boy! Beg! Get it? Role reversal. Cause usually it's the human t-that says to the dog, uh-

John: I know you'd better open up the door before I... Just open the door, Lucky.

Lucky: Seeing as you're the one who feeds me, I'm gonna let you in.

John: Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Busy Day for Dr. Dolittle and Friends

Lucky: [narrating] Welcome to San Francisco, the city by the bay, home to 30,000 fire hydrants, four million tennis balls... and very liberal pooper scooper laws. My name is Lucky. I'm a dog, in case you hadn't guessed, and I belong to this man. You remember Dr. Dolittle, right? The guy who can talk to animals? If you don't, let me jog your memory. He's a doctor, and he talks to animals. Well, anyways, he's busier than ever.

Woman: Doctor, you've got Mr. Carson at 10:00 for a full workup. Mr. Wennington's E.K.G. is at 12:00. Mrs. Bloom called. She's got a bad rash. I told her 11:15.

John: I gotcha.

Lucky: Buster's got a deworming at 12:30. Misty's kennel cough is back. I put her at 1:00. Afternoon-wall-to-wall neuters.

John: You've got the Rotary Club dinner tonight.

Lucky: The Kennel Club breakfast tomorrow.

John: Push Mr. Carson to 11:00. I will deworm Buster at 12:00, do the E.K.G. at 12:30. Move Misty to 1:15. And stop mixing up my charts. Last week you almost had me neutering Mr. Panitch.

Lucky: From what I hear, you'd be doing Mrs. Panitch a favor.

John: Any time, ladies. Thank you.

Lucky: [narrating] No matter how busy he got, Doc always found time to help animals.

Bandit: Hi. My name is Bandit.

Dogs: Hi, Bandit. How you doing, Bandit?

Bandit: [sniffles] And I'm a stray.

Dogs: That's okay. We're all strays.

John: I know how hard it is the first time to get up there. Take your time.

Sheep Dog: Just one paw at a time, Bandit. That's true.

John: Right. Never give up hope. Never, ever give up hope. Not just Bandit. All you dogs, listen to me. Every dog in here can find a family and be somebody's best friend. Let me hear you say that. Say, "I am somebody's best friend.

Dogs: I'm somebody's best friend!

John: One more time. Again. I am somebody's best friend!

Dogs: I am somebody's best friend!

John: That's right. That's right. There's a family out in North Beach that's trying to find a good watchdog, somebody that's housebroken and great with kids. Any of you guys got a background in security?

Hound Dog: Oh, that'd be Rusty. Rusty's a watchdog.

John: Who's Rusty?

Dog: Rusty, tell-- Oh, no. Rusty!

Rusty: This better be important.

John: No, uh, never mind, Rusty. It says, "Must not lick ass all the time.

Lucky: [narrating] Every zoo in the country had a job for the Doc. He was especially good at matters of the heart.

John: How long's it been since you guys made little baby turtles?

Male Tortoise: Oh, not that long. Maybe 20 years.

Female Tortoise: It'll be 48 years next Monday.

John: Okay, I see the problem here. I know what to do. Listen. I'm gonna give you these pills. Crush em up and put em in your food.

Male Tortoise: Oh, yeah? What do they do?

John: Oh!

Male Tortoise: Oh, yeah! You're looking fine! Coming at you, baby!

Lucky: [narrating] In fact, he became an international celebrity, traveling from Alaska to Australia.

Steve Irwin: I am here with Dr. Dolittle, who can actually talk with animals. We're here about to capture this alligator right behind us. The trick to capturing this guy is to put your arms around his neck...

Alligator: [laughs] Hey, Dolittle, see what I'm doing, I'm allowing Steve to think I don't know he's back there. Wait till he tries to grab me, turn on him and Bob's your uncle bite his arm off!

Irwin: I'm gonna have to get my arm around his neck and handle his -

John: [having heard the alligator] Steve, I think he knows we're over here.

Irwin: [shushes Dolittle; Alligator roar noise] Quiet, I don't wanna spoil the element of surprise...NOW!

John: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Irwin: [Belching sound] Crikey! Me arm!