31 quotes
Unexpected Fish Offer in a Conversation
John
Oh, no, thank you. I've eaten already.
Joey
Hey, the beaver offers you a fish, you take the fish.
Joey
Sorry, boss.
John
From the Bay Area families. Really? What are you guys, some kind of mafia?
[chuckles]
Joey
Mafia? No. We don't know nothing about no mafia, do we, boys?
Possum
Nah, never heard of it.
John
No, that's a myth.
John
What do you guys want from me?
John
What, the other animals moving in on you or something?
John
Guys, you're talking to the wrong person. You need to contact one of those nature groups like the Sierra Club or, um--
Joey
Yeah, we can't fight humans on our own. They got guns, knives, pullout couches. Sure, I got rabies. I could bite somebody. But I can only do so much!
John
You guys have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
John
Me on your side? I didn't say I was gonna help you. I didn't say.
Squirrel
It's gone. Everything, gone.
[sniffling]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childhood Independence and Family Memories
John
Charisse has always had a mind of her own. When she was about a year and a half, she decided not to wear diapers anymore. Remember that?
Lisa
John.
John
She started having accidents around the house cause she didn't have it down yet. We'd have little piles--
Charisse
Dad, you just had to go there, didn't you?
John
This is family. We're talking the old days.
Eric
It's cool. I'm actually learning something here.
John
Really? You know what's interesting? You never learned to take off your hat at the dinner table. Isn't your head getting hot? Mine's hot just looking at you in that hat.
Lisa
Sixteen! Just think. In two years you'll be out of this house and on your way to college.
Charisse
One year, ten months, sixteen days.
John
You know what? Berkeley's a really close college. You could live at home, save money.
Charisse
That's a good idea. But I've already reserved a U-Haul for the day I graduated high school.
John
Oh. You reserved a U-Haul already?
Maya
Uh, Dad? Someone to see you.
Joey
Yo, step outside.
John
Thank you, sweetie. Excuse me, darling.
Charisse
Bye, Dad Love you.
John
I love you too. Excuse me, Eric.
Joey
Hey, hey, yo. Yo, down here. Okay.
John
What do you want?
Joey
First, let me say the beaver sends birthday greetings to your lovely daughter.
John
Really? That's very nice. Tell the beaver he's starting to get on my nerves.
Joey
Why are you getting bent out of shape? He only wants a moment of your time.
John
What if I say no?
Joey
I don't think you want to go down that road, my friend.
John
Go and tell the beaver, 8:00, my office, tomorrow.
Joey
Oh, the beaver don't travel for nobody. He knows you're a busy man, and he will remember this, but this is truly a life-or-death situation.
John
All right, shut up, listen. My car, 7:00 a.m. All right?
Joey
Hey, this is good news. The beaver likes good news.
John
Thank you.
Joey
Jimmy, get the car.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating a Birthday with Friends
John
Come on, blow your candles out and make a wish.
Rat #1
Sweet...
Rat #2
Surprise!
Rat #1
Happy birthday!
Rat #2
It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
Rat #1
There's a mouse in the house!
Rat #2
Hey, give me that!
Rat #1
I am licking the candles!
Rat #2
Oh, yeah, you can lick my fat, funky little--
Rat #1
Hey, don't be a piggy!
John
Charisse, I'm so sorry.
Rat #2
Hey, watch the fur! Watch the fur, buddy! We're trying to do something nice for your daughter.
Rat #1
A couple of cute little kitties pop out, you'd say, "Oh, how cute! How cute!
John
But you're not. You're not- You're not-
[Hanging them over the edge of a window]
Rat #1
Put me down!
John
Listen, you are not a couple of cute little kitties.
Rat #2
Yes, we are.
John
You are two disgusting rats...
Rat #2
No, we're not.
John
...that just ruined the birthday cake.
Rat #2
Oh, so you wanna get personal now, dude? Well, do you know what "rats" spelled backwards is, mister? It's "star!
Rat #1
That's right! I'm the star, buddy!
John
Oh, really, is that right? Well, do you know what "ha" spelled backwards is?
Rat #2
Uh, no, I don't have any--
Rats
Aaaaah!
John
Exactly!
Rat #1
Could it be?
Rat #2
Yes, it is! Diapers!
Rat #1
My favorite! Chocolate!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Bear Hibernation and Its Challenges
Archie
Now, explain this again. I'm supposed to climb into a small, dark space and sleep for six months?
John
That's what bears do. It's called hibernation.
Archie
Sounds more like depression. Wait, how do I eat?
John
Well, you don't eat. What you do is, you eat a lot during the summer. That lasts you throughout the whole winter.
Archie
Where do I go to the bathroom?
John
No going to the bathroom.
Archie
What? You're kidding.
[laughing]
John
I'm serious. What you do is, a week before you hibernate you start eating things like dirt and moss and hair and grass, and it forms a big plug in your, um-- it p-plugs up your, uh- Uh, you know.
Archie
It blocks my butt?
Archie
Whoa, wait. You want me to sleep for six months with a big cork in my butt?
John
Yeah, that's the idea of it.
Archie
Okay, good-bye! See ya later!
John
Hey, Archie, come back here!
Archie
Nope, I'm gone! See ya!
John
Archie!
Archie
Hey, heading south?
John
Archie, nobody's gonna pick up a hitchhiking bear.
Archie
Look, I'll split the gas and sit in the back with the kids.
John
Come on, Archie, stop it.
Archie
I'm sorry, Doc. This isn't working out. I almost drowned. Ava doesn't like me.
John
Look, I'm tired of your complaining. Archie. OK? Look up in this tree. What do you see, huh?
Archie
Bird.
John
Right. A bird in his home. On the branch below him there's a squirrel in his home. And there's a little rabbit in his home. All these animals are depending on you. Hey. you can do this. Just listen to your inner bear. OK? Just trust him. He'll tell you what to do. Just trust him, Archie. Come on.
Archie
Okay, but I gotta tell ya, my inner bear has a problem with the butt plug.
John
All right, that's it, I'm gonna show you what happens to animals that don't have a home. Come on.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teenage Challenges and Parental Concerns
Lucky
Careful, Doc, she's 16. That's a tough age.
John
Hey! Charisse, open this door! Can you believe this? Hey!
Lucky
Try her cell.
John
I'm not calling on the cell phone while she's in her bedroom.
John
Hey! Charisse. Open the door! Okay. All right! Okay! Okay! Charisse! Charisse!
[growling]
Drunk Monkey
Those teenagers, Doc. They can drive a man to drink.
[slurping, hiccuping; chuckles]
John
Hey, what are you drinking?
Drunk Monkey
].
[[w:Gatorade|Gatorade]
John
Oh, really? Give it to me.
[takes water pouch and smells drink]
Drunk Monkey
Hmph!
John
Gatorade make wine now, huh?
Drunk Monkey
Naaaah!
John
You better slow down.
Possum
Which one of you is Dolittle?
John
What now?
Possum
I have a message from the boss.
John
From the who?
Possum
The boss, the guard beaver. Save the questions and come with me.
John
You guys know the rules. You just don't come up here on my balcony. Make an appointment. You make an appointment Now, go. You tell the beaver make an appointment just like everybody else.
Possum
I can't tell him that. I'll end up sleeping with the fishes.
John
How's it gonna look in the paper when Dolittle throws a possum off the roof? That's not gonna look right. Now, leave, cause I will.
Possum
Watch your tone, buddy.
John
Charisse!
[muffled]
Charisse
Talk.
John
This is Daddy. How are you?
Charisse
Hey!
John
I got a couple of questions for you. I wanna know how come I gotta climb up the side of a building and get on a cell phone to talk to you!
Charisse
Calm down. Where are you?
John
I'm outside of the building, right here!
[muffled]
Charisse
Dad! Dad, what are you doing?
John
What am I doing? It's the only way I can reach you! What are you doing in here? What's all of that about? You don't do that in public, do you?
Charisse
Dance? Of course.
John
That's not dancing. That's advertising. What's this about you don't want to spend your birthday with your family?
Charisse
Having dinner with your family is something you do when you're young, not when you're turning 16. Besides, I have a date.
John
You can bring your date cause you're coming to dinner.
Charisse
Cool! Eric, these are my parents and my little sister. They're joining us on our date.
John
No, he's gonna be joining us at a family event. We have it every year. I don't even know why-- What's this?
[finds Charisse's report card]
Charisse
Dad, that's private.
John
I can see why it's private. it's embarrassing. You got two C's and a D.
Charisse
Embarrassing? Dad, you are the last person who should talk about anything being embarrassing.
[chuckles]
John
What are you talking about? What's that supposed to mean?
John
I'm supposed to stop helping the animals because you find it embarrassing?
Charisse
That's not gonna happen.
John
That's right. It's not gonna happen. So forget about it. You're coming to dinner. Look at this. No cell phone for a week.
Charisse
What am I supposed to do without my cell phone?
John
Here's some stamps. Learn how to write a letter. You think I care? Do I look like I care? Look at me. No, Charisse.
Charisse
No.
John
Look at me. Do I look like I care? Look. I don't care.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Cars and Animals
Lucky
So, Doc, the raccoon and the possum took a road trip to meet this mysterious beaver.
[narrating]
Joey
Hey, Doc, nice wheels. What do you call this thing?
John
Oh, this is a Mustang.
Possum
Yo, Doc, is there a car named after me?
John
No, I don't think they make a Possum.
Possum
Why not?
John
Not a lot of cars named after rodents.
Joey
I wanna go over a couple ground rules for when you're in the beaver's presence. Number one: No sudden movements. Number two: Do not stare at his teeth. Between you and me, he's got a little bit of an overbite. I personally think he needs braces, but I'm not a dentist. Numbers three through ten: You will treat him with the respect he deserves. Capisce?
John
We're talking about a beaver, right?
Animal
Hey, Doc!
Joey
Hey, Tootie, how you doing?
Animal
Hey, Doctor, how are you?
Joey
Back away from him, Jimmy. Show some respect, you animals.
Owl
Look, the raccoon got the doctor.
Bird
He says he's a miracle worker.
John
Hello?
Joey
Paulie, get the boss ready.
Paulie
I'm doing everything like you say, Joey. I'm just, I'm gonna go get some acorns.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Busy Day for Dr. Dolittle and Friends
Lucky
Welcome to San Francisco, the city by the bay, home to 30,000 fire hydrants, four million tennis balls... and very liberal pooper scooper laws. My name is Lucky. I'm a dog, in case you hadn't guessed, and I belong to this man. You remember Dr. Dolittle, right? The guy who can talk to animals? If you don't, let me jog your memory. He's a doctor, and he talks to animals. Well, anyways, he's busier than ever.
[narrating]
Woman
Doctor, you've got Mr. Carson at 10:00 for a full workup. Mr. Wennington's E.K.G. is at 12:00. Mrs. Bloom called. She's got a bad rash. I told her 11:15.
John
I gotcha.
Lucky
Buster's got a deworming at 12:30. Misty's kennel cough is back. I put her at 1:00. Afternoon-wall-to-wall neuters.
John
You've got the Rotary Club dinner tonight.
Lucky
The Kennel Club breakfast tomorrow.
John
Push Mr. Carson to 11:00. I will deworm Buster at 12:00, do the E.K.G. at 12:30. Move Misty to 1:15. And stop mixing up my charts. Last week you almost had me neutering Mr. Panitch.
Lucky
From what I hear, you'd be doing Mrs. Panitch a favor.
John
Any time, ladies. Thank you.
Lucky
No matter how busy he got, Doc always found time to help animals.
[narrating]
Bandit
Hi. My name is Bandit.
Dogs
Hi, Bandit. How you doing, Bandit?
Bandit
And I'm a stray.
[sniffles]
Dogs
That's okay. We're all strays.
John
I know how hard it is the first time to get up there. Take your time.
Sheep Dog
Just one paw at a time, Bandit. That's true.
John
Right. Never give up hope. Never, ever give up hope. Not just Bandit. All you dogs, listen to me. Every dog in here can find a family and be somebody's best friend. Let me hear you say that. Say, "I am somebody's best friend.
Dogs
I'm somebody's best friend!
John
One more time. Again. I am somebody's best friend!
Dogs
I am somebody's best friend!
John
That's right. That's right. There's a family out in North Beach that's trying to find a good watchdog, somebody that's housebroken and great with kids. Any of you guys got a background in security?
Hound Dog
Oh, that'd be Rusty. Rusty's a watchdog.
John
Who's Rusty?
Dog
Rusty, tell-- Oh, no. Rusty!
Rusty
This better be important.
John
No, uh, never mind, Rusty. It says, "Must not lick ass all the time.
Lucky
Every zoo in the country had a job for the Doc. He was especially good at matters of the heart.
[narrating]
John
How long's it been since you guys made little baby turtles?
Male Tortoise
Oh, not that long. Maybe 20 years.
Female Tortoise
It'll be 48 years next Monday.
John
Okay, I see the problem here. I know what to do. Listen. I'm gonna give you these pills. Crush em up and put em in your food.
Male Tortoise
Oh, yeah? What do they do?
John
Oh!
Male Tortoise
Oh, yeah! You're looking fine! Coming at you, baby!
Lucky
In fact, he became an international celebrity, traveling from Alaska to Australia.
[narrating]
Steve Irwin
I am here with Dr. Dolittle, who can actually talk with animals. We're here about to capture this alligator right behind us. The trick to capturing this guy is to put your arms around his neck...
Alligator
Hey, Dolittle, see what I'm doing, I'm allowing Steve to think I don't know he's back there. Wait till he tries to grab me, turn on him and Bob's your uncle bite his arm off!
[laughs]
Irwin
I'm gonna have to get my arm around his neck and handle his -
John
Steve, I think he knows we're over here.
[having heard the alligator]
Irwin
Quiet, I don't wanna spoil the element of surprise...NOW!
[shushes Dolittle; Alligator roar noise]
John
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Irwin
Crikey! Me arm!
[Belching sound]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reunion of Friends After a Trip
John
Guess who's back from France!
Lisa
John?
John
Hey!
Lisa
Hey! How you doing?
John
Hi, sweetie. I got you a present from Paris.
[grunting]
Lisa
That's for me?
John
Yes, that's for you. That's for us.
Lisa
Oh!
[laughs]
John
I can enjoy this present as well.
Lisa
You know what would be a really nice present, though?
John
What's that?
Lisa
If you could keep that flock of your faithful away from the building.
John
I'm sorry. I'll talk to em later.
Maya
Daddy!
John
Hey, baby! How you doing? I got you a little present from Mexico.
Maya
Gracias. I wonder what it is.
Pepito
Aah! Earthquake! 9-1-1! Nueve-uno-uno!
John
Oh, no, no. I wouldn't shake it.
Pepito
Ow! My spleen! Ooh, that hurt.
Maya
Oh, he's so cute. Thanks, Dad.
Pepito
Hey, this isn't Puerto Vallarta.
John
It's a chameleon. It can change color against different backgrounds.
Pepito
The blendmaster is in the house! I gonna disappear! Now you see me- Poof! Now you don't, eh?
John
No, we can still see you.
Pepito
I'm not gone? I'm not invisible?
Lisa
You did remember Charisse's birthday?
John
I sure did. You remember to get the cake from Stinson's?
Pepito
How about now?
Lisa
Uh, actually, Charisse doesn't want to have a family birthday party.
John
What's that about? I thought we always celebrate together.
Pepito
You have anything green?
John
Take this thing to your room.
Pepito
Guacamole? A big pickle?
Lisa
She's got a date.
Pepito
I suck.
John
A date? With who?
Lisa
I didn't ask. She's a big girl now.
John
We'll see about this date thing. Where's the birthday girl at?
John
Uh, she's unreachable. What? Where is she?
Lisa
She's in her room with the door locked and headphones on. You could try paging her.
John
She's in the house and unreachable? I'm supposed to page her in my house. I'm gonna page somebody in my own house? Okay, we'll see if I'm gonna page some-- I ain't paging nothing!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Forest Adventures and Unexpected Encounters
Lucky
So we all moved to the forest and waited for Archie to arrive. While the family settled, it was time I started looking out for number one.
[narrating]
Lucky
Huh? ♪ Doo-do-do-do-doo ♪ This looks like as good a place as any. Ah, the simple pleasures of life. Holy lord! That wolf is a fox! I hope I don't have dog breath, you know, from licking my own-- Never mind. Oh, you like that, huh? Yeah, that was me. Plenty more where that came from.
[chuckles; chuckles]
Lucky
Grr" to you too. What is that, some kind of secret wild lady dog code for "You like me"? Yeah, I do some dancing. Here's a little move I call the back-scratcher. Pretty cool, huh? H-Hey, hot lady, wait. Where you going? Call me!
Lucky
And so, the big day finally came, and I had a feeling the fur was gonna fly.
[narrating]
John
Okay, everybody, you all know why we're here. We're about to try to do something that's never been done before. Everyone thinks we can't pull this off, and they got their blades sharpened and their trucks ready to roll. But we're gonna prove em wrong, right? That's right. Now I want everybody to put their claws together. How about a big round of applause for the bear that's gonna lead the way? Let's hear it for Archie!
John
Yeah! Come on!
Archie
Are you ready to save the forest? ♪ Put your paws up Put your paws up, come on, now ♪
Squirrel
Is this some kind of joke?
Archie
Hey, I wanna go serious on ya for a second. I know I've got my work cut out for me, but with your help I know one thing... Now. Go.
[whispers]
Archie
♪ I will survive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪♪ Everybody!
[off-key]
Deer
We're dead.
Crow
Nevermore.
Forest Animal
This show's over.
Rabbit
Let's go fool around.
God Beaver
You got your work cut out for you, Doc.
Archie
I'm done. Turn it off.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing the Alpha Bear Identity
Archie
I am the Alpha Bear! Grrr! Grrr! Bears say "grrr", right?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggling with promises and personal desires
John
I know you're disappointed.
Charisse
Disappointed? About not going to Europe? Now, Dad, why would I be disappointed?
John
I made you a promise. I'm gonna stick to it. If you don't want me to do this, I'll understand. Okay?
Charisse
Like I can actually say no and not feel guilty for the rest of my life.
Maya
When do we leave?
John
As soon as we get a court order stopping the clear-cutting.
Lisa
Who's gonna argue the case?
John
Wh-Why you looking around?
Lisa
Me?
John
What, me? Not me. You.
Lisa
No, n-n-n-no.
John
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Lisa
No, no, John.
John
Yes, yes, yes.
Lisa
No. Don't make me do this.
John
Come on. For the animals. Do it for the animals.
[mock whimpering]
Lisa
I don't do animal law.
John
That's species-ism. You're a species-ist. You re a species-ist!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Encouragement to the Doctor
Lucky
Go, doctor. Go, doctor.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Introduction to Romance
John
Okay, Archie, you're on.
Archie
What do I say to her?
John
Get to know her a little. Tell her about yourself.
Archie
Hi! I'm Archie. I like moonlit walks on the beach, uh, sharing slop buckets with that special someone, and the soulful sounds of the Backstreet Boys.
[nervous chuckle]
Ava
You're very weird.
Archie
Weird, as in sexy?
Ava
No, just weird.
John
Hey, Archie, uh, why don't you let me take it from here? That was good.
Archie
Okay. Damn!
[whispers]
John
What do you think of Archie? Cute?
Ava
Oh, don't make me eat you.
John
Stop that. He's a little uncomfortable around the female species at first--
Ava
That's not even really the point. I need a real bear, someone who can hunt and protect and provide for me.
John
Oh. Okay. I can understand that.
Ava
Oh, and I'm already involved with someone.
John
Really? You have a boyfriend already-a "bearfriend." Are you in love this bear?
Ava
Love"? My cousin married for love, and the next thing she knows... he's two-timing her with this hot little grizzly in a cave up north.
John
Okay, so you're not in love?
Ava
No.
John
All right, let's make a deal. Don't make any decisions for a month. I'm gonna go work with Archie, and in a month's time I'm gonna turn that bear... into a bear that you'll be proud to have little bear cubs with.
Archie
Check it out! I've flipped for you... Pinecone. Gah!
[crunch]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mystery of Biggie Mack's Numbers Revealed
John
This is unbelievable. She has 50 numbers in here, not one of them is mine.
Lisa
You shouldn't be looking at that.
John
Why not? "Biggie Mack, cell. Biggie Mack, pager. Biggie Mack, home." Who the hell is Biggie Mack?
Lisa
I don't know, John.
John
I'm gonna find out who Biggie Mack is. I don't like that name. What the hell kind of name is that?
Eldon
What is that?
Eldon's Wife
Marcus's cell phone.
Eldon
Cell phone?
Eldon's Wife
Mm-hmm.
Eldon
When did he get a cell phone?
Eldon's Wife
Last week.
Lisa
What are you doing? John!
John
Shh! I'm checking out Biggie Mack.
Eldon
Hello.
John
Hey, who is this?
Eldon
Well, who is this?
John
Is this Biggie Mack?
Eldon
Who wants to know?
John
I'm asking the questions here, punk!
Eldon
What?
John
How old are you?
Eldon
None of your damn business.
John
What if I make it my business to find out how old you are?
Eldon
Are you threatening me?
John
I don't make threats! I'm promising you that if you ever--
Lisa
John!
Eldon
Is this John Dolittle?
Lisa
Hi, I'm so sorry. That's a wrong number.
John
That's a grown man on the other end of that phone.
Lisa
I wish I could say the same thing about you.
Lisa
The door.
John
I hear the door.
Lisa
Go get that door right now!
John
Who am I, Mr. French? I got to get doors? Just a minute.
Eric
Hey, Dr. D. What's up? it's me.
John
Me? Who's "me"? Back up, "me.
Eric
I'm saying, you gonna let me in? Dr. D. What's going on? Excuse me? Remember me? Eric, Domino's Pizza. Extra cheese, anchovies, guacamole?
John
You're the pizza guy, yeah.
Eric
I delivered that.
John
Thanks a lot, man. I forget to give you a tip? I'm sorry.
Eric
No, no, that's cool. You gave me something a little better than a tip.
John
I'm gonna take care of you. It's nice to have a little--
Eric
What's up, baby? What's going on? You ready?
John
Hold on. Wait. This is your date?
Charisse
Dad, Eric. Eric, Dad.
Eric
My man. What's up?
[chuckling]
Charisse
Uh, Eric? Hmm, no. We have to stay here with the family and eat dinner.
Eric
Huh? It's cool with me.
John
Hey, Charisse, now, don't be like that. You gonna ruin dinner for everybody. Come on now.
Eric
You know what, pops? Don't sweat that. I know how to take care of her.
John
Pops?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lessons and Conversations Among Friends
Lucky
Meanwhile, the doctor gave Archie and me some lessons of our own.
[narrating]
Lucky
Could you leave a little for me? Technically, it is my--
Lucky
Just a thought.
John
Hey! What's going on here?
Lucky
I've been so blessed, I feel I should give back to the hot lady dog.
John
You don't have to put up with that. Get outta here!
Lucky
That is one hot fox.
John
What's the matter with you two? Don't you know that every female is looking for the strongest male?
Archie
But what about personality?
Lucky
I'm gonna die a virgin.
John
Shut up and listen. The strongest male is called the alpha male. The alpha male wants everybody to know he's the boss male. You have to be him-- the boss of all the males. You have to learn how to walk like the alpha male. Walk the walk.
Archie
Walk the walk.
John
And talk the alpha male talk!
John
It's about power and respect. It's about pure, uncompromised, testosterone-driven male power!
Lisa
John, didn't I ask you to line the garbage pails?
John
You line em your damn self, woman!
Lisa
What?
John
I-I'm sorry, honey. I was talking to the animals. I got a little riled up. I was teaching em something.
Lisa
Stop messing with those animals and go and get us something to eat.
John
I'm on my way. Going right now, honey.
Lisa
Go.
Lucky
Way to go, alpha male. Talk the talk.
John
Shut up!
Lisa
Who are you telling to shut up?
John
I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the animals. I'm going to get the food.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bears and Survival Skills in Winter
TV Narrator
Bears are opportunistic eaters, finding food wherever they can.
Archie
Can we please see what else is on?
John
You need to watch this so you can learn... how to feed yourself and survive during the winter.
Archie
What is he doing? Digging?
John
You never even wondered what your sharp claws was for?
Archie
Uh, no.
Narrator
Bears are excellent swimmers.
Archie
Not this bear.
[shudders]
John
I know you're not gonna tell me you don't know how to swim.
Archie
Wait, you haven't heard? There's a new invention. it's called... the boat!
John
That's the last straw. Get up at dawn. I'm teaching you how to fish.
Archie
How bout noon-ish?
John
Unbelievable.
Lucky
And so began the bear-athon, a training mission so "grizzly," so un-bear-able, so hairy-that's enough.
[narrating]
John
Archie, let's do it. This river's full of fish. Let's go.
Archie
Yup. So is Red Lobster.
John
Don't look at me, look at the water. That's where the fish are.
Archie
They're moving. Oh, man, one just touched me. One just touched me!
John
Look, you big, furry baby, put your face down right now and grab a fish!
Archie
No!
John
Archie! I want to do just like you saw on TV. Put your face under the water and catch a fish can do it. Come on, man. I'm here with you. Go under the water.
Archie
All right! I'll try it.
John
All right, one, two, three...
Fish #1
That's Archie!
Fish #2
What's up?
Fish #3
What's up?
Wassup Fish
What's up?
Archie
Hey, fellas, what's up?
[gurgling]
John
Okay, okay, get one.
Archie
Can't breathe!
[gurgling]
John
Archie!
Archie
Can't breathe!
John
Hey! Archie. Archie!
[grunting, panting]
John
OK, Archie. You tell me how smart do you have to be to lift your head out of the water when you can't breathe?
Archie
I saw a light. It was a bright light. It was beautiful.
John
OK, That;s it. We're gonna take you on a little trip right now that's gonna toughen you up. Come on.
Archie
What? What?
John
We're gonna find something even you can catch. Come on.
Archie
I saw my grandma.
John
Go on, eat.
Archie
Oh, I...
John
Come on, eat!
Archie
They're-I don't eat, uh- I'm good. Thanks. Okay, am I close?
[sniffs]
Lucky
Cold.
Pepito
Use the Force.
Archie
Colder? Warmer?
Lucky
Arctic.
Lisa
So, how's it going?
John
It's going great, honey. I'm not even gonna need three weeks. Honey, look, he's already foraging grapes. Right?
Eric
Why's he walking away from em?
John
He's not walking away. He's circling the grapes.
Eric
Why? Are they dangerous grapes?
John
No, no, the grapes aren't dangerous, Eric.
Archie
Seriously, where are the grapes?
John
Don't worry, he's doing great. We're right on schedule.
Archie
I'm getting dizzy! Ohh! Oh! Oww! I'm okay! Concrete broke my fall! Definite bruise.
[crashing down stairs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About the Doctor and Family
Lucky
Yeah, it seemed everybody wanted a piece of the good doctor. And his family understood. Well, most of them did. But we'll get to that part in a minute.
[narrating]
John
Thank you.
Lucky
Right now I gotta answer the door.
[narrating]
Lucky
Yeah? Who's there?
[muttering]
John
It's me. I forgot my key. Open up.
Lucky
Then I guess you'll have to beg. Come on, boy! Beg! Get it? Role reversal. Cause usually it's the human t-that says to the dog, uh-
John
I know you'd better open up the door before I... Just open the door, Lucky.
Lucky
Seeing as you're the one who feeds me, I'm gonna let you in.
John
Okay, thank you. Thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Challenges and Emotions in Conversation
Black Pig
Hello, Clarice.
[imitating [[Hannibal Lecter|Hannibal Lecter]
Archie
Uh, Doc, this isn't necessary.
John
It's time for a little tough love. Come on.
Young Zoo Bear
Look, Iggy! What's the matter, boy? Couldn't make it on the outside?
Archie
Hey--
Young Zoo Bear
Come on in, powder puff.
John
Go on in there.
Archie
But wh-why?
John
There's a couple bears inside that want to meet you. Go. Come on.
Archie
I'll just sit over on that side of the cell.
John
I'm tired of this madness.
Archie
Don't be scared.
Young Zoo Bear
I'll bite ya!
John
Yes, Dolittle. Oh, hi, honey!
Old Zoo Bear
Don't like to hunt? Don't like to fish? You know what I would give to be in the forest instead of in this dump?
Archie
Uh, Doc!
Young Zoo Bear
Do I hear someone talking?
Archie
No, no.
Young Zoo Bear
See, that's the problem with kids today-no respect. Kid think he knows my life.
Old Zoo Bear
He needs us to teach him a lesson.
Archie
N-No, I just--
Old Zoo Bear
I'm gonna give him a bear hug. Get over here let me give you a bear hug. Get over here, Tiny.
John
No, it's actually going quite well. I finally got this under control.
Bears
♪ Her name was Lola ♪
Archie
Yeah!
Bears
♪ She was a show bear ♪
Archie
Whoo!
John
Lisa, let me call you back.
Bears
♪ With yellow feathers in her hair ♪ ♪ And her dress cut down to there ♪
Archie
Where?
Bears
♪ At the Copa ♪
Archie
Yes!
Bears
♪ Copacabana ♪
Archie
Doc, apparently everyone in this place loves musicals.
Archie
I'm kidding. I'll try harder.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Greeting Between Characters
Archie
Hey, baby!
[chuckling]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Between Conservation and Industry Interests
Reporter
And in what must be one of the most unusual stories of the year, Dr. John Dolittle is trying to rewrite the laws of nature by attempting to reintroduce a performing bear into the wild. In doing so, he hopes to save an entire forest from destruction. It's Darwin versus Dolittle.
Jack Riley
Oh, get over yourself.
Joe Potter
Governor, I've got two lumber mills waiting for that wood.
Governor
I understand, Joe, but it's complicated. Especially if that endangered bear survives.
Joe Potter
I don't meet my quota, Governor, you're the one who's gonna be endangered.
Jack Riley
Now, now, J.P., not to worry.
Governor
That ridiculous bear is bound to screw up at least once.
Jack Riley
And when he does, you'll have yourself a new trophy.
Joe Potter
And I've got just the place to put him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Romantic Evening for Two
John
Okay, candles, fruit, cheese, wine. Perfect.
Lisa
What are you doing?
John
Oh, hey, honey. I'll tell you what I'm doing. It's all about you tonight, baby. I've sent the children to the movies, and the bear is camping in the woods. We're all alone.
Pepito
Oh, yes, all alone.
John
One second.
[clears throat]
Pepito
No, you cannot see me. I am at one with the couch. I am blended perfectly, interwoven into every fiber. Oops! I can give you some pointers!
John
So much for the intrusions.
Pepito
Hey, come on. It ain't no fun if the homeys can't see none.
John
Now, where were we?
Lisa
You were thinking candles and wine would make up for ignoring me the last few days.
John
I'm sensing a little resistance. I took that into consideration. Here's something you won't be able to resist.
Lionel Richie
♪ And I feel with you ♪
John
Is this our wedding song?
Lisa
That's not fair.
John
Is this the first thing you ever danced to as Mrs. Dolittle?
Lucky
The show is about to start.
Archie
What show?
John
It is! It truly is!
John
♪ I'm truly in love ♪
Archie
♪ With Mrs. Dolittle ♪
John
♪ Truly in love with you, girl ♪
Archie
Oh, he's so good.
Lucky
Let me tell ya, he scratched my belly the other day, my leg went crazy.
God Beaver
Hey, what's going on?
Archie
Apparently, he's truly, truly in love with her.
Joey
Hey, Doc, give her some garbage. Chicks like garbage.
John
How about planting a little sugar on Dr. D's lips?
Lisa
I think I can do that.
John
Oh, really?
Lisa
Mm-hmm.
Lucky
Go, Doctor! Go, Doctor!
Archie
D'oh!
Lisa
Ohh!
Deer
He broke her!
[gasps]
John
Get outta here, all of you!
God Beaver
The kid's got moxie.
John
This ain't no peep show!
Archie
But this is really helpful. I'm learning a lot. Truly.
John
Just get out of here. We'll discuss it tomorrow.
Lucky
Uh-oh. Busted.
Lisa
You're gonna discuss what tomorrow?
John
Oh. Well, I w-I was- Well, baby, why don't we just pick it up where we left off.
Lisa
Baby?
John
Hmm?
Lisa
Why don't you sleep on the couch?
Archie
W-Wait, what'd she say, Doc?
John
She said she loves me so much, I get to sleep on the couch.
Archie
You're the man!
John
Yes, I'm the man. I'm the man on the couch.
[clears throat]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Archie the Bear Takes Center Stage
Lucky
So much for a family vacation. But Doc figured, how hard could this be? That was before he met Archie.
[narrating]
Emce
Ladies and gentlemen, he's the bear with flair, the walking rug with an adorable mug-Archie the bear!
Archie
♪ Get your motor running ♪ ♪ Head out on the highway ♪ They love me. Go.
Archie
♪ Born to be wi-i-i-ild ♪
Archie
Ow! Gee! ♪ And that's the show ♪♪ Whew! Big-boned gal, huh?
John
Oh. Yeah, I guess so.
[chuckles]
Archie
Got any action shots? You know what I'm talking about.
John
No, I don't, but listen, you'd be lucky to wind up with somebody like her.
Archie
Look, I have had so many girlfriends, you know-- Okay, look, I've never had a girlfriend. just bring her by on Monday. That's when I'm dark. Okay?
[chuckles]
John
I can't bring her here. You have to go to her.
Archie
Whoa, whoa. Go to her? Where?
John
Um, she's in the forest.
Archie
Ooh, uh, I don't play forests. I'm strictly a state fair, small arena-type bear.
John
Archie, Do you know what kind of bear you are?
Archie
Um, let's see. Yes. I'm a singer. Dancer-- three years tap, two years jazz.
John
No, Archie, you're an endangered species.
Archie
Is that a threat, buddy? Because my lawyer will be down here--
John
No, I'm not threatening you. You're a very rare bear. You're a Pacific Western bear. You know what that is?
Archie
Yes, I know what-- I can play any kind of bear. I've got range. Grizzly, panda. Here, check out my polar. I am freezing! It is cold!
John
I haven't made it clear. Let me break it down to you. Your ancestors come from the mountains of California.
Archie
Yes, blah, blah, blah.
John
When you were six months old, they took you from your mother and taught you to wiggle your hips to a recording of "Hound Dog.
Archie
No, no, I taught myself that. I admit I pander, cause I'm a pander bear! Get it? Ha ha ha! Pander!
John
Yeah, that's funny stuff, Archie. But listen, what I'm proposing to you is, I'd like to take you back to where your ancestors roamed, get you out in the woods and teach you to be a real bear.
Archie
Look, I like the bear I am. Okay? I'm famous! Have you been to the gift shop? I have my own beanie baby.
John
You do this, you'll be the most famous bear in all the world.
Archie
Bigger than ]?
[[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Pooh]
John
Are you kidding me? You pull this off, they'll be saying, "Winnie the who?
Archie
You've got yourself a bear.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate Over Bear Reintroduction and Survival
Lisa
No, Your Honor, we're simply asking for an injunction so that we might have the chance to save a species.
Jack Riley
Your Honor, this is a delaying tactic-slash-publicity stunt. I have affidavits signed by a range of experts who all concur that to take a bear raised in captivity and reintroduce it into the wild is, well, dangerous and irresponsible. Simply put, a bear raised by "circus folk" wouldn't know how to feed itself or interact with real bears, let alone make it through its first winter. No. it would certainly succumb to Darwin's law of nature: survival of the fittest.
[chuckles]
Lisa
Actually--
Maya
Yeah, but Darwin never met my dad.
Judge B. Duff
Young lady, that's inappropriate behavior. And just who is your father?
John
Sir-- Your Honor, that's me. I'm her father. Name's Dolittle.
Maya
Dr. Dolittle.
Judge B. Duff
Dr. Dolittle. Do you feel you could rehabilitate a tame bear and mate it in the wild with a female?
John
Yes, I do, Your Honor.
Judge B. Duff
In that case, I'll grant a one-month delay on the harvesting of Campbell's Grove. For one month, Dr. Dolittle. That's it.
John
Thank you, sir.
Judge B. Duff
And, Doctor, if that bear should so much as set one paw in a campsite or this town, I'll rescind this order immediately.
Lisa
Thank you, Your Honor.
Reporter #1
Doctor! Dr. Dolittle! Over here!
Reporter #2
Dr. Dolittle! Dr. Dolittle, you speak to both domestic and wild animals. Can a circus bear relate to a forest bear?
John
Well, I don't know much about him except that he's been living in captivity, so I'm sure he'll be really happy to return to the wild.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Bathroom Break During Urgent Situation
Pepito
Psst. Hey, Doc. Homey is on the move. His hormones are raging.
Pepito
There he goes!
John
Hold it.
Eric
I was only going to the bathroom.
[groans; groans]
John
You can hold it. I know that trick.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Enjoying a Peaceful Night Outdoors
John
Hey.
Charisse
Hey.
John
Perfect night.
[sighs; inhales, sighs]
John
Sitting here, breathing fresh country air, listening to the crickets chirp.
Charisse
Yep.
John
You know what the crickets are saying?
Charisse
Dad, I don't speak to the animals. You're the one who understands em, not me. Little monkeys don't come up to me asking me for a 40-ounce. I don't say, "Can I help you, little animal? Need a shot?" I don't do that. I'm in my room listening to music. You see me talking to the animals?
John
Hey, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey! Slow it down a second. I was just gonna tell you that crickets are natures thermometers, that's all. You can tell how cold it is by how fast they chirp.
Charisse
It seems a little cold out here, doesn't it?
John
Yeah, a little nippy.
Charisse
Maybe I need to go get my vest. Yeah.
Eric
Yo, Dr. Dre is still the best. Hey, and get a tuneup, man. Get a tuneup. Yo, what's up, baby?
Charisse
Hey, Eric.
Charisse
Mmm!
John
H-H-Hey! Hey! You left your homey!
Eric
What's up, Dr. D?
John
I don't know, Eric. Maybe you should tell me.
Eric
Yo, man, I came to visit. Since y'all love me so much, I was gonna stay a couple days.
John
No, no. Hell, no. Charisse, I don't understand.
Charisse
What's not to understand, Dad?
John
Eric with bags. I don't understand that.
Charisse
He's staying here for a couple nights. Mama said so.
John
Oh, your mother said so.
Charisse
Yes.
John
Oh, okay. Eric, you gonna be on the floor in the living room in a sleeping bag, if you don't have a problem with that. By the way, Eric, I'm watching you. And not just me. I got eyes all around the woods. You know I talk to the birds. Right?
Charisse
Thanks, Dad.
John
Yes, so watch your back.
Eric
I feel you.
[laughs]
John
You feel me? Okay. All right. I'm watching... I'm watching you, Eric! I'm watching your back!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Repetition of a Name Among Friends
Maya
Say, "Maya.
Lucky
Maya.
Maya
Maya.
Lucky
Maya.
Charisse
What do you think you're doing?
Maya
I think he's about to say something.
Lucky
Bring me a bone.
Pepito
And a large order of flies. Super-sized.
Lucky
You will bring me ham, luncheon meats, cold cuts.
Charisse
Lucky, out.
John
Hey. Maya, can I talk to Charisse alone for a second?
Maya
Okay. Come on, boy.
John
Charisse, look, I'm sorry about tonight. I'm thinking about cutting back a bit and spending more time with you guys.
[sighs]
Charisse
Great, now more animals will be here.
John
What if we don't stay here? We can go on a big vacation to Europe, the whole family.
Charisse
Are you serious?
John
I'm dead serious. We can go to Paris, Rome, the Greek islands. We always talked about that. What do you think?
Charisse
Is this a bribe?
John
Yes, this is a bribe.
Charisse
It's working.
Joey
Yo, Doc, one other thing...
John
Tomorrow!
Charisse
What?
John
Tomorrow.
Charisse
Tomorr...
John
Yeah. European vacation. Tomorrow-Tomorrow! We're going to Europe tomorrow.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Exchange Among Animal Characters
John
You're not a real bear. You're Wayne Newton in a bear suit.
Archie
So dirty. Look at my paws.
John
It's the woods, Archie. Its chief component is dirt.
Archie
Wait. Hey, Doc, is that her? She's a babe.
John
Yeah, that's her.
Archie
Oh. Look at the way she moves. Man, would I love to see her wet.
John
I tell you what. I'm gonna go over and introduce you. You just wait over there. OK?
Archie
Yeah, good. Hey, tell her I really dig her fat pouch, but don't be crude.
John
I'll try to work that in.
Archie
Okay, good. Wait, hey... Gah!
Ava
Are you coming over here? I'm a little busy foraging.
John
Hi.
Ava
Hi.
John
Hello. My name is John.
Ava
I'm Ava.
John
Hi, Ava. That's a pretty name. Nice to meet you.
Ava
Hi.
John
Hey, uh, quick question, Ava. How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?
Ava
You're real cute, but I don't go interspecies.
John
I'm not talking about me. I shoulding have said man. I should've said bear. The bear of your dreams. What do you think of that big, magnificent hunk of bear there?
Ava
Um, I don't think I see him. Oh, is he standing behind that dork?
John
Oh, no, he is... Look, let me explain to you what's going on, all right? There's a logging company that's gonna tear down this whole forest, everything. The only thing that can stop em... is if I can get two Pacific Western bears together. You're a Pacific Western bear, and so is he. If I can get you together and you made little Pacific Western bears, then-- You see where I'm going with this?
Ava
Uh-huh, yeah. Look, no offense, but I don't talk to bear pimps.
[walks away]
John
Hey, wait a minute. At least let me call him over so you can meet him. Archie, come over here.
Archie
Hey, Johnny, there you are. Come on. I thought we were gonna go work out. Jeez.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeking Solutions for Forest Conservation Challenges
John
How do you save a forest, anyway?
Lisa
It's not gonna be easy, John. But I would assume the lumber companies have a lot of clout. I do know if there were a threatened or endangered species living in the forest, there are laws that protect it.
John
How am I gonna find out if there are any endangered animals in the forest?
Lisa
Well, you could ask Eugene.
Eugene
We found an endangered species of bear. A female whose mother had been killed by poachers. She's the only Pacific Western bear up there.
[He holding the orangutan]
John
Good. One bear has to be protected.
Eugene
Well, no. The lawyers for Potter's Logging Company argued that since she's the only one there, there's no chance for survival of the species anyway. There'd have to be a male too.
Giraffe
Pardon me.
John
Why don't we get a male up there and let nature take its course?
Eugene
Unfortunately, The only male Pacific Western bear we could find was raised in captivity.
Giraffe
Excuse me.
Eugene
There's never been a bear raised in captivity that's been successfully reintroduced to the wild.
John
They've never had the world-famous love doctor making the introductions.
Giraffe
Psst! Doctor.
John
Excuse me a second.
Giraffe
Your man left the barn door open.
Eugene
Is something wrong?
John
Uh, d- Eh--
Eugene
Oh, jeez. Hope that Bam Bam didn't see that.
John
Oh, I'm sure... The giraffe is the one that was disgusted.
Eugene
I am so sorry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Archie's Lackluster Show Business Aspirations
John
You sure you don't want another one of these things?
Archie
No, I'm fine.
John
Okay. I got a question for you, Archie. Let's say you spend your whole life in show business. Right? What's gonna be your big finish? Every act has to have a big finish.
Archie
Big finish? Check it out. San Francisco Bee. Quote. "The best thing about Archie's act is when it's finished." End quote.
John
No, I mean in life. Who you gonna share your success with, your hopes, dreams, fears and failures? I tell you what. Everything I do wouldn't mean anything if didn't have my wife and kids to go home to.
Archie
Sometimes I do get very lonely. I've never been in love.
John
Okay, this is your big chance. I think Ava really likes you.
Archie
Did she say something? What'd she say?
John
You gotta learn to read between the lines sometimes.
Archie
She loves me? I knew it!
John
Hey, let's not get carried away. All right, Archie?
Archie
I feel like I'm about to burst. So, this is what love feels like, right? Oh. Or maybe it's the marshmallows.
[burps]
John
I think it's the marshmallows. You ate a whole bag of em.
Archie
Doc, tomorrow you're gonna see a brand-new bear.
John
You know, Archie, I think I'm gonna call it a night.
Archie
Don't go. It's a little scary out here for me. Can you stay here till I fall asleep?
John
Okay, I'll wait till you fall asleep. Then I'm leaving.
Archie
Hey, Doc?
John
Yes, sir?
Archie
Can you leave the light on?
John
Okay, light stays on.
Archie
I'll keep these here, okay?
John
Night, Archie.
Archie
Night, Doc. If you want a marshmallow, just gotta ask me, okay?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teens Take Advantage of Opportunity
Lucky
Meanwhile, while the cat's away, the mice will play, and by mice I mean teenagers.
[narrating]
Eric
All right, they still closed?
Charisse
Yes.
Possum
Here they come.
Charisse
You did all this?
Joey
Okay, boys, this is it. Remember what the Doc said. If this punk tries anything fresh, we let him have it. Capisce?
Eric
I got wings, legs, tacos, whatever.
Pepito
Taco? Did somebody say taco?
Joey
No, no, blend in, blend in. You're gonna blow our cover.
Eric
Charisse, there's something I been meaning to do since we got out here.
Charisse
Oh, really. What's that?
Eric
This.
Joey
Now!
Eric
Eeeew!
Drunk Monkey
He French-kissed me! Blecch! Blah! Blah!
Joey
Now, that worked out nicely. The drinks are on me, Jenny.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Archie's Struggle for Ava's Attention
Archie
Look out, Ava! There's a new Archie in town! Oh, yeah! That feels good! Feel it coming! Feel the burn! Feel the wind! Feel the muscle cramp! Oww! Aah! Oww!
John
Come on, Archie, don't quit. Dig deep. Let's go!
Archie
I think I pulled my butt muscle. Ouch. It stings. My butt stings. Could you rub my butt? Could you rub it, please? Rub my butt. Come back here, rub my butt. Please rub my butt.
Lucky
Doc finally realized he was never gonna make Archie fast enough or strong enough to impress Ava, but maybe, maybe he could make him sweet enough.
[narrating]
Archie
Wow, how could anybody be so beautiful?
John
Why don't you tell her that?
Archie
Oh, I don't know. I... Oh, my... What is that?
John
Oh, that's Sonny. That's her little "bearfriend." She told me about him.
Archie
But he's a Kodiak bear.
John
Hey, don't get discouraged, man. Listen, you can win her over. The key to winning a woman over is, figure out what she likes. Take my wife.
Archie
Please!
John
Don't do that. This is serious.
Archie
I'm sorry.
John
My wife, she likes to be surprised.
Archie
Like jumping out of the bushes, screaming?
John
No, nothing like that. They like romance. Do something romantic. Something that says, "I'm thinking about you all the time." You know?
Archie
Wow, that's really nice. You do stuff like that all the time?
John
I used to. But lately I've been, you know, all caught up in this, so I guess I'm a little out of practice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.