Dude, Where's My Car? (2000) - Quotes

Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?

Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!

Chester: Is that what that is?

Jesse: Yeah. I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.

Chester: Yeah!

Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.

Chester: We can?

Jesse: Yeah, and you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.

Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?

Jesse: Yeah.

Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!

Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?

Jesse: Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: S - wee - t!" What about mine?

Chester: [''Angrily''] Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: [''Screaming''] Sweet!

Mr. Lee: [''Screams in English''; ''Swears in Chinese, walks up to Chester and Jesse in in English''] Idiots! Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet." Got it?

Jesse: Oh.

Mr. Lee: Ai-yah!

Jesse: Sorry.

Chester: Hey... sorry.

Jesse: Sorry.

Jesse and Chester: Shibby!

Mr. Lee: Very sharp. Very sharp. You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.

Jesse: We bought these last night?

Mr. Lee: [''Says "fucked up" in Chinese''] Yeah. You were pretty last night.

Chester: How much are these?

Mr. Lee: [''In English''] You already paid for. I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.

Jesse: [''Reaches into pockets''; ''Pulls out [[w:kaleidoscope|kaleidoscope] Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. What's- ] viewing Mr. Lee's laughing face] Oh, dude! Dude!

Chester: [''Pulls out [[w:dove|a dove] Sweet! Cool.

Jesse: Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?

Mr. Lee: You pay cash. Cold, hard cash. Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.

Jesse: You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?

Mr. Lee: Me? No, I don't see no car.

Jesse: [''Answer cellphone in pocket''] Hello.

Chester: Dude, we bought cell phones.

Jesse: [''Looking at paper''] That's not all we bought, dude.-

Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?

Chester: Oh, that's my alter ego.

Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.

Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.

Jesse: Oh, yeah.

Chinese Food Intercom: Chinese Foooood, may I help you?

Jesse: Yeah, I like to place an order.

Chinese Food Intercom: Um, what you like?

Jesse: [[w:Honey garlic sauce|garlic chicken] Yeah, I like uh... three orders of ].

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [[w:white rice|white rice] And then, three orders of ].

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [''then he turns and asks Chester and Nelson''] And then... Oh hey, you guys want soup?

Chester & Nelson: Sure.

Jesse: [[w:Wonton|Wonton soup] Yeah, three orders of ].

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [[w:fortune cookie|fortune cookies] Oh, uh some ] too.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: Uh... naw I think that's about it.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: No, that's it.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [''stutters''] No and then, I... ...that's, that's all I want.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: [''Looks behind and then laughs''] And then, and then um, and then um, and then nothin else cause I'm done ordering, okay?

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Jesse: Uh, uh, no, no, see all, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice.

Chinese Food Intercom: Uh-huh, and then?

Chester: And the soup dude.

Jesse: Oh, and, and the Wonton soup.

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?

Nelson: And the Cookie's Fortune.

Jesse: And, and the, and the fortune cookies yes so, it's just the uh, it's the... the chicken, the... rice, the soup and the Fortune cookies, and that's it.

Chinese Food Intercom: And the...en?

Jesse: [''Starts chuckling''] And then uh, you can it in a brown paper bag and come put it in my hand cause I'm ready to eat.

Chinese Food Intercom: An...nd the...en?

Jesse: [''Gets irritated''] Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese Food mind games!

Chinese Food Intercom: An...nd the...en...?

Jesse: [''Gets upset''] NO! No "and then"!

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?!

Jesse: No "and then"!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Growls''] An...nd the...en...?

Jesse: [''Gets annoyed''] You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Quietly''] And then?

Jesse: [''laughs nervously''; ''grows livid''; ''Pause; Jesse almost gives in''] And then... I'm gonna come in there... and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Repeatedly''; ''Jesse angrily smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away''] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!

Chinese Food Intercom: [''Severely damaged''] And then...?

Keeper of the Continuum Transfunctioner: But the universe...

Jesse: [''Walks away''] Screw the universe"!

Keeper: Screw the universe"?!

Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!

Chester: [[w:Beer bong|bong a beer] Can he also ]?

Nelson: [[w:Pipe smoking|smoke his pipe] Nah. All he does is pretty much lie around and ].

Jesse: [''After discovering their kitchen is insanely stocked in every nook and cranny of [[w:Chocolate pudding|Chocolate pudding] Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

Chester: [''Opens the cupboard to find it's entirely full of pudding''] I'd say it's entirely possible.

Alien Nordic Dudes: [[w:Hoboken, New Jersey|Hoboken, New Jersey] We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to ].

Jesse Montgomery: Dude, Where's My Car?

Jesse Montgomery: I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe.

Jesse Montgomery: [''Chester slaps him''] Wait a second. Let's recap. Last night we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. Thanks, dude.