11 quotes
Reflecting on a Wild Night's Events
Jesse Montgomery
Wait a second. Let's recap. Last night we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. Thanks, dude.
[''Chester slaps him'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Power of the Continuum Transfunctioner Explained
Alien Nordic Dudes
We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to ].
[[w:Hoboken, New Jersey|Hoboken, New Jersey]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ordering Food from the Intercom
Chinese Food Intercom
Chinese Foooood, may I help you?
Jesse
Yeah, I like to place an order.
Chinese Food Intercom
Um, what you like?
Jesse
Yeah, I like uh... three orders of ].
[[w:Honey garlic sauce|garlic chicken]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
And then, three orders of ].
[[w:white rice|white rice]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
And then... Oh hey, you guys want soup?
[''then he turns and asks Chester and Nelson'']
Chester & Nelson
Sure.
Jesse
Yeah, three orders of ].
[[w:Wonton|Wonton soup]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
Oh, uh some ] too.
[[w:fortune cookie|fortune cookies]
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
Uh... naw I think that's about it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
No, that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
No and then, I... ...that's, that's all I want.
[''stutters'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
And then, and then um, and then um, and then nothin else cause I'm done ordering, okay?
[''Looks behind and then laughs'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse
Uh, uh, no, no, see all, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom
Uh-huh, and then?
Chester
And the soup dude.
Jesse
Oh, and, and the Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Nelson
And the Cookie's Fortune.
Jesse
And, and the, and the fortune cookies yes so, it's just the uh, it's the... the chicken, the... rice, the soup and the Fortune cookies, and that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And the...en?
Jesse
And then uh, you can it in a brown paper bag and come put it in my hand cause I'm ready to eat.
[''Starts chuckling'']
Chinese Food Intercom
An...nd the...en?
Jesse
Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese Food mind games!
[''Gets irritated'']
Chinese Food Intercom
An...nd the...en...?
Jesse
NO! No "and then"!
[''Gets upset'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?!
Jesse
No "and then"!
Chinese Food Intercom
An...nd the...en...?
[''Growls'']
Jesse
You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady!
[''Gets annoyed'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
[''Quietly'']
Jesse
And then... I'm gonna come in there... and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!
[''laughs nervously''; ''grows livid''; ''Pause; Jesse almost gives in'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
[''Repeatedly''; ''Jesse angrily smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away'']
Chinese Food Intercom
And then...?
[''Severely damaged'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alter Egos and Their Confusion
Jesse
Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester
Oh, that's my alter ego.
Jesse
Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.
Chester
No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse
Oh, yeah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion About Feelings and Their Nature
Jesse
Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester
Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse
No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester
Is that what that is?
Jesse
Yeah. I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester
Yeah!
Jesse
You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester
We can?
Jesse
Yeah, and you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
Chester
And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse
Yeah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preventing a Cosmic Catastrophe
Jesse Montgomery
I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defiance Against the Universe
Keeper of the Continuum Transfunctioner
But the universe...
Jesse
Screw the universe"!
[''Walks away'']
Keeper
Screw the universe"?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tattoo Confusion Among Friends
Jesse
Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester
So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse
Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester
Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse
S - wee - t!" What about mine?
Chester
Dude!" What does mine say?
[''Angrily'']
Jesse
Sweet!
[''Screaming'']
Mr. Lee
Idiots! Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet." Got it?
[''Screams in English''; ''Swears in Chinese, walks up to Chester and Jesse in in English'']
Jesse
Oh.
Mr. Lee
Ai-yah!
Jesse
Sorry.
Chester
Hey... sorry.
Jesse
Sorry.
Jesse and Chester
Shibby!
Mr. Lee
Very sharp. Very sharp. You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.
Jesse
We bought these last night?
Mr. Lee
Yeah. You were pretty last night.
[''Says "fucked up" in Chinese'']
Chester
How much are these?
Mr. Lee
You already paid for. I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.
[''In English'']
Jesse
Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. What's- ] viewing Mr. Lee's laughing face] Oh, dude! Dude!
[''Reaches into pockets''; ''Pulls out [[w:kaleidoscope|kaleidoscope]
Chester
Sweet! Cool.
[''Pulls out [[w:dove|a dove]
Jesse
Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?
Mr. Lee
You pay cash. Cold, hard cash. Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.
Jesse
You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?
Mr. Lee
Me? No, I don't see no car.
Jesse
Hello.
[''Answer cellphone in pocket'']
Chester
Dude, we bought cell phones.
Jesse
That's not all we bought, dude.-
[''Looking at paper'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dog's Lazy Lifestyle and Stoner Humor
Jesse
Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Chester
Can he also ]?
[[w:Beer bong|bong a beer]
Nelson
Nah. All he does is pretty much lie around and ].
[[w:Pipe smoking|smoke his pipe]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bizarre Night of Pudding Purchases
Jesse
Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
[''After discovering their kitchen is insanely stocked in every nook and cranny of [[w:Chocolate pudding|Chocolate pudding]
Chester
I'd say it's entirely possible.
[''Opens the cupboard to find it's entirely full of pudding'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Quest for a Lost Vehicle
Jesse Montgomery
Dude, Where's My Car?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.