31 quotes
Demanding Payment with Attitude
Jay
15 bucks, little man,Put that shit in my handIf that money doesn't showThen you owe me, owe me, owe
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Growth Beyond Crude Humor
Holden
Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord? When? When's gonna be my time?
[gestures to Silent Bob]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Internet's Role in Movie Criticism
Banky
Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
Jay
All these assholes on the Internet are calling us names because of this fucking stupid movie.
Banky
That's what the Internet's for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation and Vengeance in Hollywood
Willenholly
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are ball-lickers. Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we're..." They're going to Hollywood.
[starts reading Jay and Silent Bob's letter]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cue the Music Moment
Brodie
And on that note...we cue the music.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebration of Substance Use and Sound
Jay
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,Mother mother fuck,Mother mother fuck fuck,Mother fuck mother fuck,Noise, noise, noise.1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,Noise, noise, noise.Smoking weed, smoking whizz,Doing coke, drinking beers,Drinking beers, beers, beers,Rollin fatties, smokin blunts.Who smokes the blunts?We smoke the blunts!Rolling blunts and smoke the b...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unauthorized Individuals on Studio Lot
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon
Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot. Requesting backup.
Echo Base
I thought that was a 10-82.
[on Gordon's walkie-talkie]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon
No, sir. A 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Echo Base
Oh, that Affleck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reunion Between Friends
Banky
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, I just wanted to say hi, I'm Banky--
Jay
Banky fucking Edwards! Just the motherfucker we came to see.
Banky
Holy shit, what the fuck are you guys doing here?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Supermonkeys and the Fall of Humanity
Jay
Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Holy shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. Maybe it's a conspiracy like in ]... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!
[shouts; [The X-Files; '''Dante''': I'm not even supposed to be here today!]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Breach of Contract Explanation
Silent Bob
Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember, for likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also, obviously, the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky... you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position.
[to Banky]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The C.L.I.T. Commander's Declaration
Jay
(On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. No one rules a C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Haunted by a Pie Incident
Jay
Hey, wait a second! Aren't you ]?
[[American Pie (film)|that guy that fucked the pie]
Jason Biggs
See, man? You see, it's never... It's never "Hey! Hey, you were in ], weren't ya?" or "Dude, you rocked in ]." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie. HAUNTED by it!
[takes his fake beard and fake mustache off; [w:Loser (film)|Loser; [w:Boys and Girls (2000 film)|Boys and Girls; throws them and his Silent Bob hat and wig to the ground]
James Van Der Beek
You put your dick in a pie?
Jason Biggs
Enough! Jason Biggs.
[sighs]
Jay
Yo, man. Did you really get the third base with that Russian chick like in the movie?
Jason Biggs
You mean Shannen? No.
Jay
Man, she is fucking fine. If I was you, I would've been like... Ooh. Just like that. Like that? What, you never did one of these? Wait, wait.
[does some masturbation; softly; to Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek; pretends he's hugging and kissing]
James Van Der Beek
Done plenty of that, my friend.
[takes his Jay hat and wig off]
Jay
Holy shit, you're ]!
[[Dawson's Creek|the Dawson]
James Van Der Beek
James, actually. James Van Der Beek.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Silent Bob's Frustration with Misunderstanding
Silent Bob
THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID "Critters of Hollywood"! YOU DUMB FUCK!
[grabs Jay and yells at him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skepticism About a Jay and Silent Bob Movie
Holden
A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that?
[Holden, Jay, and Silent Bob look out into the audience]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Rewards for Monkey Theft
Jay
(While humping Silent Bob's leg) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Respect for Comics and Women
Brodie
It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.
[to a customer who is bending a comic book's spine]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Realization of Unintentional Fashion Choice
Jay
(After being told he is wearing pansy red booties) Holy fuck I am wearing pansy red booties! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation on Frustration and Advice
Customer
]
[[Clerks (film)|Are you even supposed to be here today?]
Dante
Don't get me started.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction of Characters in a Casual Encounter
Justice
Hi, I'm Justice.
Jay
And I'm so fucking yours.
Jay
Oh, hi. I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
Justice
It's nice to meet you.
Jay
Justice, that's a nice name...
Jay
Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Rabbit's Plea Against Aerosol Dangers
Brent
Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...
[trying to compose a protest song]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Hollywood: Jay's Bold Declaration
Jay
Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls because they both in fact lick balls. Motherfucker. It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mystery of the Hitchhiking Ghouls Discussed
Jay
Zoinks, yo.
Fred Jones
Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are!
Velma Dinkley
I don't think they are masks.
Daphne Blake
And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.
Velma Dinkley
GHOULS, you fucking moron, not girls. But I wish they were hitchhiking girls, sexy hitchhiking girls.
[Daphne gets offended]
Fred Jones
Let's kick em out! We've got a mystery to solve!
Shaggy Rogers
The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in the neckerchief!
Fred Jones
Keep it up, beatnik. I'll feed ya to the fucking dog!
[grabs Shaggy by the shirt]
Daphne Blake
I CAN'T TAKE OFF THIS FIGHTING!
[covers her ears]
Jay
YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBY SNACKS!
[the gang calms down; holds up a Ziploc bag of cigarettes]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Trouble at Miramax Studios
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon
Sorry, sirs. Looks like we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon
Jesus. Again, Ben?
Ben Affleck
Go, bullshit! Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. Ha-ha!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Hollywood Trials and Personal Struggles
Jay
This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
Banky
You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax, you know, Miramax Films, paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman & Chronic. So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on some website, IS NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
Silent Bob
Oh, but I think it is.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Bus Fare Changes
Jay
Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Devil Jay's Sinister Laughter
Devil Jay
Mua-ha-ha-ha!
[appears out of nowhere]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jay's Confusion About The Internet
Jay
What the fuck is The Internet?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Brodie's Humorous Take on Awareness and Snacks
Brodie
Here's the pulse, alright, and here's your finger far from the pulse jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nostalgia in Quiet Moments
Holden
It's nights like this, when I miss ]...
[[Chasing Amy|dating a lesbian]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Approach to Personal Hygiene
Jay
What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Exchange About Warning Shots
Willenholly
Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
Sheriff
One rectal breach comin up.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.