Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) - Quotes

Devil Jay: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha!

Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.

Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.

Jay: Oh, hi. I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.

Justice: It's nice to meet you.

Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...

Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...

Willenholly: [starts reading Jay and Silent Bob's letter] All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are ball-lickers. Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we're..." They're going to Hollywood.

Willenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.

Sheriff: One rectal breach comin up.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry, sirs. Looks like we've got a 10-07 on our hands.

Matt Damon: Jesus. Again, Ben?

Ben Affleck: Go, bullshit! Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. Ha-ha!

Jay: [[American Pie (film)|that guy that fucked the pie] Hey, wait a second! Aren't you ]?

Jason Biggs: [takes his fake beard and fake mustache off; [w:Loser (film)|Loser; [w:Boys and Girls (2000 film)|Boys and Girls; throws them and his Silent Bob hat and wig to the ground] See, man? You see, it's never... It's never "Hey! Hey, you were in ], weren't ya?" or "Dude, you rocked in ]." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie. HAUNTED by it!

James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie?

Jason Biggs: [sighs] Enough! Jason Biggs.

Jay: Yo, man. Did you really get the third base with that Russian chick like in the movie?

Jason Biggs: You mean Shannen? No.

Jay: [does some masturbation; softly; to Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek; pretends he's hugging and kissing] Man, she is fucking fine. If I was you, I would've been like... Ooh. Just like that. Like that? What, you never did one of these? Wait, wait.

James Van Der Beek: [takes his Jay hat and wig off] Done plenty of that, my friend.

Jay: [[Dawson's Creek|the Dawson] Holy shit, you're ]!

James Van Der Beek: James, actually. James Van Der Beek.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot. Requesting backup.

Echo Base: [on Gordon's walkie-talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: No, sir. A 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.

Echo Base: Oh, that Affleck!

Jay: Zoinks, yo.

Fred Jones: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are!

Velma Dinkley: I don't think they are masks.

Daphne Blake: And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.

Velma Dinkley: [Daphne gets offended] GHOULS, you fucking moron, not girls. But I wish they were hitchhiking girls, sexy hitchhiking girls.

Fred Jones: Let's kick em out! We've got a mystery to solve!

Shaggy Rogers: The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in the neckerchief!

Fred Jones: [grabs Shaggy by the shirt] Keep it up, beatnik. I'll feed ya to the fucking dog!

Daphne Blake: [covers her ears] I CAN'T TAKE OFF THIS FIGHTING!

Jay: [the gang calms down; holds up a Ziploc bag of cigarettes] YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBY SNACKS!

Customer: [[Clerks (film)|Are you even supposed to be here today?] ]

Dante: Don't get me started.

Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.

Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax, you know, Miramax Films, paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman & Chronic. So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on some website, IS NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!

Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is.

Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?

Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are calling us names because of this fucking stupid movie.

Banky: That's what the Internet's for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!

Banky: Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, I just wanted to say hi, I'm Banky--

Jay: Banky fucking Edwards! Just the motherfucker we came to see.

Banky: Holy shit, what the fuck are you guys doing here?

Brent: [trying to compose a protest song] Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...

Brodie: And on that note...we cue the music.

Brodie: Here's the pulse, alright, and here's your finger far from the pulse jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Brodie: [to a customer who is bending a comic book's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.

Holden: [[Chasing Amy|dating a lesbian] It's nights like this, when I miss ]...

Holden: [Holden, Jay, and Silent Bob look out into the audience] A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that?

Holden: [gestures to Silent Bob] Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord? When? When's gonna be my time?

Silent Bob: [to Banky] Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember, for likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also, obviously, the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky... you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position.

Silent Bob: [grabs Jay and yells at him] THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID "Critters of Hollywood"! YOU DUMB FUCK!

Jay: (After being told he is wearing pansy red booties) Holy fuck I am wearing pansy red booties! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

Jay: (On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. No one rules a C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.

Jay: (While humping Silent Bob's leg) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!

Jay: Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls because they both in fact lick balls. Motherfucker. It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!

Jay: What the fuck is The Internet?

Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

Jay: 15 bucks, little man,Put that shit in my handIf that money doesn't showThen you owe me, owe me, owe

Jay: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,Mother mother fuck,Mother mother fuck fuck,Mother fuck mother fuck,Noise, noise, noise.1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,Noise, noise, noise.Smoking weed, smoking whizz,Doing coke, drinking beers,Drinking beers, beers, beers,Rollin fatties, smokin blunts.Who smokes the blunts?We smoke the blunts!Rolling blunts and smoke the b...

Jay: [shouts; [The X-Files; '''Dante''': I'm not even supposed to be here today!] Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Holy shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. Maybe it's a conspiracy like in ]... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!