Kicking & Screaming (2005) - Quotes

Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?

Buck Weston: [kicks him into the swimming pool] Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool?

Phil Weston: Hey, if it isn't "fart-faced" Jones. What's up, farty pants? Bring it on! You can have the first punch right here. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin but a fart-faced kid.

Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!

Buck: [watching from across the field] Atta boy, Logan!

Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from Hell!

Mike Ditka: Hey, Phil, I-I-I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.

Phil Weston: You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin in when I'm talkin to my team. You're my assistant, okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juice boxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juice box.

Mike Ditka: YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN TO?

Phil Weston: I'm talkin to the juice box guy.

Mike Ditka: You're crazy!

Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.

Mike Ditka: WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL?!

Phil Weston: No, you go to Hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juice box?!

Mike Ditka: I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not! You're like your old man!

Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!

Mike Ditka: If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!

Phil Weston: I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!

Mike Ditka: [walks back to the parking lot] I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye!

Phil Weston: [The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off] I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to Juice Box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves!

Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this Meat Comes First thing!

Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian?

Gian Piero: Pizza!

Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"?

Gian Piero: Spaghetti!

Ambrose: Italian's easy.

Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

Phil Weston: In due time, Connor, in due time. However, I want all of you to know, if the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision that we will eat Byong Sun.

Phil Weston: Alright, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look delicious, you have to admit, right, if we had to eat someone?

Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs; [Shrek 2|for 5 minutes; he shows them this new kick; nearly wrecking the fireplace] Got you a gift. Soccer Dan instructional DVD. We're gonna keep learning as we go. This is where we're really gonna hone our skills. This will take us to the next level. Study it. Watch it. I only watched it ], I already learned this, it's called "Up and Over". You can learn things like, maybe back over here! Fakes left, fakes right, he shoots!

Barbara Weston: [Phil hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] What is going on in there? Guys, I said no playing soccer in the house.

Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston: Who did that?

Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.

The Tigers: HE DID!

Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!

Hunter: [the kids start attacking Phil] Kill Phil!

Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!

Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.

Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think those are?

Phil Weston: I have no idea.

Mike Ditka: New game plan - get the ball to the I-talians!

Phil: Tigers! Huddle up.

Ditka: Come on, get in here.

Phil: I know we're on a five-game losing streak but I've got good news. Umberto!

Phil: [[Italy] We've got two new players joining the team. Guys; Gian Piero and Massimo. Now these boys are from ] so they don't speak English that well. We're all gonna help them learn. They're apprentice butchers.

Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

Ditka: Shut up.

Umberto: [making the two boys recite before leaving] I come back and pick-up 5:00. Buon divertimento. Prima la carne.

Gian Piero and Massimo: Prima la carne.

Phil: What?

Umberto: Meat first!

Phil: Meat first! Yes, we love meat!

Umberto: [In Italian] Bye! ("Ciao!")

Massimo and Gian Piero: [In Italian] Bye, uncle! ("Ciao, Zio")

Ditka: Umberto!

Umberto: [showing him the wrapped bratwurst] Hey, coach! Don't you worry I got your bratwurst all ready! Huh?

Ditka: Beautiful, grazie. Are your nephews working today?

Umberto: Uh, si, in the back.

Ditka: [to Phil] Go back there, take a look at these guys.

Ditka: [To Phil] These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?

Phil: [to Umberto] Excuse me, mister, your two nephews, would they be interested in playing soccer?

Umberto: Massimo e Gian Piero? No, they not play soccer. They come here to apprentice me. They have too much to learn. English, meat, too much.

Phil: So, they don't play soccer at all?

Massimo: [In Italian] Uncle, why do they want? ("Zio, ma che vuoi?")

Umberto: [In Italian] They want you to play soccer. ("Eh, giocare a calcio.")

Gian Piero: [In Italian] Really! Let us play! ("Davvero! Facci giocare!")

Umberto: Don't look like that to me, please!

Massimo and Gian Piero: [Begging; In Italian] Uncle please! Uncle Umberto! ("Per favore, Zio! Zio Umberto!")

Umberto: [In Italian] No, be quiet. ("No, state zitti")

Phil: They play with American kids, they pick up English. A lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports; Sammy Sosa, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, uh.. Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello, Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.

Ditka: Let the kids have some fun, huh?

Umberto: Okay! Okay!

Phil: Great!

Umberto: But remember; meat first, then soccer!

Ditka: [to Phil] I told ya, every great thing in life starts with a Brat.

Phil: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam, and I'm brand new to coffee. So I don't want too much. I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffeinated version? Or is that too weird a thing?

Beantown cashier: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-Caf...

Beantown barista: Right, Half-Caf.

Phil: [to Sam] A Half-Caf! We're gonna have a Half-Caf.

Sam: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-Caf.

Beantown Customer: [flatly] Yay.

Baristo: Half-Caf.

Beantown cashier: [to Phil] You shoulda waited for the jacket.

Phil: I'm sorry, I got too eager.

Beantown cashier: Another Half-Caf.

Beantown baristo: Another Half-Caf.

Ann Hogan: [asking Ditka for an autograph] Hi, Coach Ditka? Hi. Um, our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and I was just wondering if you could, uh..?

Ditka: Yeah, sure, be glad to. How do you spell it?

Ann: Byong Sun. B-Y-...

Ditka: [hands back the paper] I think I got it.

Ann Hogan: [she and Donna walk away] Oh, okay. Thank you.

Ditka: Bye-bye.

Phil: Yeah, they're great.

Ditka: Just a wonderful couple.

Donna Jones: [walking away looking at autograph; [Inside Out (2015 film)|Bing Bong] ]?

Phil: [on stage addressing the crowd of parents at the league banquet] So When I took over for coach Benson...

Clark: [interrupting; the audience laughs] I hear he's a woman now!

Buck: Oooh.

Phil: [the audience laughs again] Actually uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.

Phil: I don't know why that's funny.

Phil: [checks his watch as the crowd starts to murmur. Looks up and sees Ditka has arrived; the crowd cheers wildly as Ditka takes the stage] Yeah, I gotta be honest, I didn't plan on speaking tonight. Actually I was hoping my assistant coach would be here.. Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce Mike Ditka!

Ditka: Thanks, Paul! Thanks, everybody! Great to be here, Paul's got the Tigers on the move!

Buck: You live long enough you see everything! Iron Mike on an aluminum field, coaching the Tigers.

Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, my Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.

The Generals: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

Mike Ditka: Hey! Shut up, ya little rats!

Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.

Mike Ditka: [throws down his clipboard and walks off] Hey. forget the appreciation! I wanna win a soccer game!

Parent: Can I have this?

Phil Weston: Sure.

Parent: Alright!

Ditka: [watching the team do push-ups] On the ground, c'mon, give me some push-ups! If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you each 10 grand apiece. This calls for drastic measures! We're gonna make some changes around here!

Phil: [at practice the next day] Look who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...

Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?

Ditka: C'mon.

Phil: No, no. Football. Coached the 1986-

Ditka: [correcting him] 85.

Phil: Right, 85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!

Mark: Do you know Sammy Sosa?

Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid! I'm a coach that knows about winning! I'm gonna push you guys, like you've never been pushed before! Some of you are gonna wish I was dead!

Phil: It's true. I know it's a weird thought but it's true.

Ditka: I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones!

Phil: Delicious!

Ditka: This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...

Phil: Don't get emotional...

Ditka: When it's over...

Phil: [echoing him] When it's over...

Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!

Phil: Champions!

Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

Phil: On three, let's have fun

The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!

Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] Let's have fun"? What's that?

Phil: I just made it up.

Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game. He's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. In fact, I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?

Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.

Ditka: You mean it's not Paul?

Phil Weston: No.

Ditka: [lights a cigar] What's the difference? Come on, spit it out.

Phil Weston: Uh, here it is--

Diana Ditka: Mike?

Ditka: [gives cigar to Phil] Hold this.

Ditka: Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Ditka: [takes back the cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey.

Phil: Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.

Ditka: [in disbelief] Soccer?

Phil: Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.

Ditka: [chuckling] Your assistant coach? You really don't know who I am, do you?

Phil: You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--

Ditka: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?

Phil: Well, yeah.

Diana: Mike, I smell smoke!

Ditka: Nobody's smoking!

Diana: Mike!

Ditka: [to Phil] For Pete's sake! So, like, it's me and you against your old man?

Phil: I mean there are other teams--

Diana: Got ya!

Ditka: [to Phil, pointing the cigar at him] No smoking means no smoking!

Diana: Okay, come on, Phil!

Ditka: I'll throw this out the window, honey.

Phil: I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.

Diana: [leaves again] You should be.

Phil: It's a nasty, filthy habit.

Ditka: [to Phil] Hey, you can count me in!

Phil: Really?

Ditka: Let's bring your old man down!

Phil Weston: [being kicked out of Beantown] What is wrong with you, Derek? I thought we were friends!

Beantown cashier: My name is Andy!

Phil Weston: Your name is liar because you're telling lies! You know what the odds are I'll never come back here again? There's a good chance at that!

Beantown barista: That's a chance we'll have to take.

Phil Weston: Okay, if that's how you wanna play it.

Beantown cashier: Okay.

Phil Weston: [leaves] I am disappointed!

Beantown barista: Good!

Ann Hogan: [after Phil reprimands Byong Sun for missing the net on a kick] Ease up on him!

Phil Weston: You ease up on that corduroy jacket of yours!

Phil Weston: Ambrose

Ambrose: Yeah?

Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.

Phil Weston: LIAR! Jack!

Jack: What?

Phil: Who are supposed to pass the ball to?

Jack: The Italians.

Phil: Right! Alex, when?

Alex: When I come in contact with the ball.

Phil: The instant you come in contact with the ball! That's our strategy, it's one of the many plays we've worked out.

Mark Avery: It's the only play we've worked out.

Phil: How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

Mark: Coach I'm just--

Phil: [mocking him] Coach I'm just trying to nuh! Nuh!

Sam: You gotta lighten up.

Phil: [referring to Mark] He started it!

Byong Sun: [introducing himself to the team] I am Byong Sun.

Phil Weston: Hi, Byong Sun.

Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.

Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?

Byong Sun: No sir.

Phil Weston: [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one mega-person. Okay, forget I just said that.

Ann Hogan: Byong Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.

Phil Weston: [reading title; pause] My Child is Shy". Thanks. I'm sorry, who's your son?

Donna Jones: Byong Sun.

Phil Weston: [pause; realizing they are lesbians] Oh, I see. Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.

Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.

Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?

Phil Weston: No, they're different.

Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?

Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.

Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?

Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!

Ann Hogan: [she and Donna walk away] Uh.. okay.

Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

Phil: Hey, I almost had you!

Buck: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!

Barbara Weston: [hugs Janice; she kisses him] Hi! Hi, Buck.

Buck Weston: Hey, look who's here! Two of favorite people and Phil!

Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

Referee: Where do I know you from?

Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the seven years.

Referee: No, that ain't it.

Phil Weston: That's definitely it!

Referee: I'll figure it out.

Phil Weston: Hey, uh, you didn't need to take up two spots.

Obnoxious Hummer Lady: [notices Phil's Prius] Actually, I do. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? That's cute, though, huh? You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

Buck Weston: You know it hasn't been easy for me since your mom died.

Phil Weston: She didn't die, she divorced you.

Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate, thinking I was in control of my own destiny. And then I met my father.

Buck Weston: [offscreen] You better be good at this stuff.