29 quotes
A Neighborly Recognition Misunderstanding
Referee
Where do I know you from?
Phil Weston
I've been your neighbor for the seven years.
Referee
No, that ain't it.
Phil Weston
That's definitely it!
Referee
I'll figure it out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Winning Over Appreciation in Soccer
The Generals
Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
[winning team, shouting]
Mike Ditka
Hey! Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston
They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka
Hey. forget the appreciation! I wanna win a soccer game!
[throws down his clipboard and walks off]
Parent
Can I have this?
Phil Weston
Sure.
Parent
Alright!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings and Friendships in a Coffee Shop
Phil Weston
What is wrong with you, Derek? I thought we were friends!
[being kicked out of Beantown]
Beantown cashier
My name is Andy!
Phil Weston
Your name is liar because you're telling lies! You know what the odds are I'll never come back here again? There's a good chance at that!
Beantown barista
That's a chance we'll have to take.
Phil Weston
Okay, if that's how you wanna play it.
Beantown cashier
Okay.
Phil Weston
I am disappointed!
[leaves]
Beantown barista
Good!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Influence of Fatherhood on Identity
Phil Weston
I was born a baby, a blank slate, thinking I was in control of my own destiny. And then I met my father.
Buck Weston
You better be good at this stuff.
[offscreen]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childish Taunts and Playful Rivalry
Phil Weston
Hey, if it isn't "fart-faced" Jones. What's up, farty pants? Bring it on! You can have the first punch right here. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin but a fart-faced kid.
Phil Weston
Get him off me!
[shouts]
Buck
Atta boy, Logan!
[watching from across the field]
Phil Weston
That's like the little jackal from Hell!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bratwurst Preparation and Family Involvement
Ditka
Umberto!
Umberto
Hey, coach! Don't you worry I got your bratwurst all ready! Huh?
[showing him the wrapped bratwurst]
Ditka
Beautiful, grazie. Are your nephews working today?
Umberto
Uh, si, in the back.
Ditka
Go back there, take a look at these guys.
[to Phil]
Ditka
These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?
[To Phil]
Phil
Excuse me, mister, your two nephews, would they be interested in playing soccer?
[to Umberto]
Umberto
Massimo e Gian Piero? No, they not play soccer. They come here to apprentice me. They have too much to learn. English, meat, too much.
Phil
So, they don't play soccer at all?
Massimo
Uncle, why do they want? ("Zio, ma che vuoi?")
[In Italian]
Umberto
They want you to play soccer. ("Eh, giocare a calcio.")
[In Italian]
Gian Piero
Really! Let us play! ("Davvero! Facci giocare!")
[In Italian]
Umberto
Don't look like that to me, please!
Massimo and Gian Piero
Uncle please! Uncle Umberto! ("Per favore, Zio! Zio Umberto!")
[Begging; In Italian]
Umberto
No, be quiet. ("No, state zitti")
[In Italian]
Phil
They play with American kids, they pick up English. A lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports; Sammy Sosa, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, uh.. Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello, Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.
Ditka
Let the kids have some fun, huh?
Umberto
Okay! Okay!
Phil
Great!
Umberto
But remember; meat first, then soccer!
Ditka
I told ya, every great thing in life starts with a Brat.
[to Phil]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jacket Jokes and Advice in Tension
Ann Hogan
Ease up on him!
[after Phil reprimands Byong Sun for missing the net on a kick]
Phil Weston
You ease up on that corduroy jacket of yours!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Shyness Through Literature
Ann Hogan
Byong Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
Phil Weston
My Child is Shy". Thanks. I'm sorry, who's your son?
[reading title; pause]
Donna Jones
Byong Sun.
Phil Weston
Oh, I see. Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
[pause; realizing they are lesbians]
Ann Hogan
We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
Phil Weston
No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad
Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston
No, they're different.
Donna Jones
What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston
I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad
How are they better?
Phil Weston
You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan
Uh.. okay.
[she and Donna walk away]
Ambrose's Dad
It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Passion for the Game in Tough Times
Phil Weston
Ambrose
Ambrose
Yeah?
Phil Weston
I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Ambrose
I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.
Phil Weston
LIAR! Jack!
Jack
What?
Phil
Who are supposed to pass the ball to?
Jack
The Italians.
Phil
Right! Alex, when?
Alex
When I come in contact with the ball.
Phil
The instant you come in contact with the ball! That's our strategy, it's one of the many plays we've worked out.
Mark Avery
It's the only play we've worked out.
Phil
How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?
Mark
Coach I'm just--
Phil
Coach I'm just trying to nuh! Nuh!
[mocking him]
Sam
You gotta lighten up.
Phil
He started it!
[referring to Mark]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Coaching a Shy Child's Name Inquiry
Ann Hogan
Hi, Coach Ditka? Hi. Um, our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and I was just wondering if you could, uh..?
[asking Ditka for an autograph]
Ditka
Yeah, sure, be glad to. How do you spell it?
Ann
Byong Sun. B-Y-...
Ditka
I think I got it.
[hands back the paper]
Ann Hogan
Oh, okay. Thank you.
[she and Donna walk away]
Ditka
Bye-bye.
Phil
Yeah, they're great.
Ditka
Just a wonderful couple.
Donna Jones
]?
[walking away looking at autograph; [Inside Out (2015 film)|Bing Bong]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ordering a Half-Caf Coffee
Phil
Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam, and I'm brand new to coffee. So I don't want too much. I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffeinated version? Or is that too weird a thing?
Beantown cashier
Half-Caf...
[to coworker, annoyed]
Beantown barista
Right, Half-Caf.
Phil
A Half-Caf! We're gonna have a Half-Caf.
[to Sam]
Sam
We're gonna have a Half-Caf.
[to customer]
Beantown Customer
Yay.
[flatly]
Baristo
Half-Caf.
Beantown cashier
You shoulda waited for the jacket.
[to Phil]
Phil
I'm sorry, I got too eager.
Beantown cashier
Another Half-Caf.
Beantown baristo
Another Half-Caf.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Juice Box Dispute Among Coaches
Mike Ditka
Hey, Phil, I-I-I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.
Phil Weston
You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin in when I'm talkin to my team. You're my assistant, okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juice boxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juice box.
Mike Ditka
YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN TO?
Phil Weston
I'm talkin to the juice box guy.
Mike Ditka
You're crazy!
Phil Weston
I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.
Mike Ditka
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL?!
Phil Weston
No, you go to Hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juice box?!
Mike Ditka
I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!
Phil Weston
Yes, you are!
Mike Ditka
No, I'm not!
Phil Weston
Yes, you are!
Mike Ditka
No, I'm not!
Phil Weston
Yes, you are!
Mike Ditka
No, I'm not! You're like your old man!
Phil Weston
I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!
Mike Ditka
If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!
Phil Weston
I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!
Mike Ditka
I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye!
[walks back to the parking lot]
Phil Weston
I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to Juice Box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves!
[The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Authority and Accountability in a Soccer Game
Byong Sun
Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
Referee
You little... give it back!
[chasing him]
Phil Weston
Sorry about that.
[grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back]
Bald Soccer Dad
How much do you think those are?
Phil Weston
I have no idea.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Recollections of Competitive Moments
Mark Avery
Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?
Buck Weston
Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool?
[kicks him into the swimming pool]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Drastic Measures for Team Improvement
Ditka
On the ground, c'mon, give me some push-ups! If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you each 10 grand apiece. This calls for drastic measures! We're gonna make some changes around here!
[watching the team do push-ups]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sports Legends and Misunderstandings
Phil
Look who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
[at practice the next day]
Mark Avery
Sammy Sosa?
Ditka
C'mon.
Phil
No, no. Football. Coached the 1986-
Ditka
85.
[correcting him]
Phil
Right, 85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark
Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Ditka
Hey, zip it, kid! I'm a coach that knows about winning! I'm gonna push you guys, like you've never been pushed before! Some of you are gonna wish I was dead!
Phil
It's true. I know it's a weird thought but it's true.
Ditka
I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones!
Phil
Delicious!
Ditka
This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Phil
Don't get emotional...
Ditka
When it's over...
Phil
When it's over...
[echoing him]
Ditka
You guys are gonna be champions!
Phil
Champions!
Ditka
Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
Phil
On three, let's have fun
The Tigers
One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
[all chant]
Ditka
Let's have fun"? What's that?
[to Phil, mocking]
Phil
I just made it up.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Gathering with Humor and Banter
Janice Weston
Hi, you guys!
Barbara Weston
Hi! Hi, Buck.
[hugs Janice; she kisses him]
Buck Weston
Hey, look who's here! Two of favorite people and Phil!
Phil Weston
Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Soccer Lessons and Household Rules
Phil Weston
Got you a gift. Soccer Dan instructional DVD. We're gonna keep learning as we go. This is where we're really gonna hone our skills. This will take us to the next level. Study it. Watch it. I only watched it ], I already learned this, it's called "Up and Over". You can learn things like, maybe back over here! Fakes left, fakes right, he shoots!
[passing out DVDs; [Shrek 2|for 5 minutes; he shows them this new kick; nearly wrecking the fireplace]
Barbara Weston
What is going on in there? Guys, I said no playing soccer in the house.
[Phil hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery]
Phil Weston
You did, you said it a lot.
Barbara Weston
Who did that?
Phil Weston
He did.
[pointing to Mark]
The Tigers
HE DID!
Phil Weston
What? Nut'uh!
Hunter
Kill Phil!
[the kids start attacking Phil]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Strategic Focus on Italian Players
Mike Ditka
New game plan - get the ball to the I-talians!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Coaching Styles and Personal Identity
Phil Weston
My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game. He's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. In fact, I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
[to Barbara]
Mike Ditka
So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston
Actually, it's Phil.
Ditka
You mean it's not Paul?
Phil Weston
No.
Ditka
What's the difference? Come on, spit it out.
[lights a cigar]
Phil Weston
Uh, here it is--
Diana Ditka
Mike?
Ditka
Hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil]
Ditka
Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston
I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Ditka
I'll get rid of it, honey.
[takes back the cigar]
Phil
Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.
Ditka
Soccer?
[in disbelief]
Phil
Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.
Ditka
Your assistant coach? You really don't know who I am, do you?
[chuckling]
Phil
You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--
Ditka
Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?
Phil
Well, yeah.
Diana
Mike, I smell smoke!
Ditka
Nobody's smoking!
Diana
Mike!
Ditka
For Pete's sake! So, like, it's me and you against your old man?
[to Phil]
Phil
I mean there are other teams--
Diana
Got ya!
Ditka
No smoking means no smoking!
[to Phil, pointing the cigar at him]
Diana
Okay, come on, Phil!
Ditka
I'll throw this out the window, honey.
Phil
I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.
Diana
You should be.
[leaves again]
Phil
It's a nasty, filthy habit.
Ditka
Hey, you can count me in!
[to Phil]
Phil
Really?
Ditka
Let's bring your old man down!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Irony of Almost Winning
Phil
Hey, I almost had you!
Buck
What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introducing Byong Sun's Kindness and Soccer Interest
Byong Sun
I am Byong Sun.
[introducing himself to the team]
Phil Weston
Hi, Byong Sun.
Byong Sun
I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston
Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun
No sir.
Phil Weston
Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one mega-person. Okay, forget I just said that.
[Ambrose gives him a dirty look]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pizzas and Unconventional Dinner Conversations
Connor
Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
Phil Weston
In due time, Connor, in due time. However, I want all of you to know, if the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision that we will eat Byong Sun.
Phil Weston
Alright, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look delicious, you have to admit, right, if we had to eat someone?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Coach Benson's Disappearance
Phil
So When I took over for coach Benson...
[on stage addressing the crowd of parents at the league banquet]
Clark
I hear he's a woman now!
[interrupting; the audience laughs]
Buck
Oooh.
Phil
Actually uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
[the audience laughs again]
Phil
I don't know why that's funny.
Phil
Yeah, I gotta be honest, I didn't plan on speaking tonight. Actually I was hoping my assistant coach would be here.. Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce Mike Ditka!
[checks his watch as the crowd starts to murmur. Looks up and sees Ditka has arrived; the crowd cheers wildly as Ditka takes the stage]
Ditka
Thanks, Paul! Thanks, everybody! Great to be here, Paul's got the Tigers on the move!
Buck
You live long enough you see everything! Iron Mike on an aluminum field, coaching the Tigers.
Ditka
I couldn't really hear ya, my Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Divorce Misunderstood as Death
Buck Weston
You know it hasn't been easy for me since your mom died.
Phil Weston
She didn't die, she divorced you.
Buck Weston
Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration Amidst Birthday Celebrations
Phil Weston
I'm really getting sick and tired of this Meat Comes First thing!
[on park pay phone with Umberto]
Party Guests
Happy Birthday to you! Happy...
[singing]
Phil Weston
Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Parking Dispute Over Vehicle Size
Phil Weston
Hey, uh, you didn't need to take up two spots.
Obnoxious Hummer Lady
Actually, I do. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? That's cute, though, huh? You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
[notices Phil's Prius]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
New Players Join the Team
Phil
Tigers! Huddle up.
Ditka
Come on, get in here.
Phil
I know we're on a five-game losing streak but I've got good news. Umberto!
Phil
We've got two new players joining the team. Guys; Gian Piero and Massimo. Now these boys are from ] so they don't speak English that well. We're all gonna help them learn. They're apprentice butchers.
[[Italy]
Mark Avery
Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?
Ditka
Shut up.
Umberto
I come back and pick-up 5:00. Buon divertimento. Prima la carne.
[making the two boys recite before leaving]
Gian Piero and Massimo
Prima la carne.
Phil
What?
Umberto
Meat first!
Phil
Meat first! Yes, we love meat!
Umberto
Bye! ("Ciao!")
[In Italian]
Massimo and Gian Piero
Bye, uncle! ("Ciao, Zio")
[In Italian]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Language Learning Through Food Terms
Sam Weston
How do you say pizza in Italian?
Gian Piero
Pizza!
Sam Weston
How do you say "spaghetti"?
Gian Piero
Spaghetti!
Ambrose
Italian's easy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.