29 quotes
A Misunderstanding About a Bong
Alison
I'm sorry I told you to screw your bong.
Ben
It's okay, I didn't.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings About Safe Practices
Ben
I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a--like a dental dam, or one of those butterfly clips or something.
Alison
What is a dental dam?
Ben
It's like Saran Wrap. It's disgusting, but I thought you had one!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected News and Reactions
Alison
I'm pregnant.
Ben
Fuck off!
Alison
What?
Ben
What?
Alison
I'm pregnant.
Ben
With...emotion?
Alison
With a baby.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Consequences of a Chance Encounter
Taglines
Imagine if this guy got you pregnant
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disagreement on Parenting Responsibilities
Debbie
We have to help them raise the baby.
Pete
Well, no!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Save the Due Date Tagline
Taglines
Save the due date
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Boredom and Humorous Observations on Life
Martin
Do you ever get so bored, you stare at your balls?
Jonah
I bet you do, late ].
[[John Lennon]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Condom Misuse and Unconventional Advice
Jonah
I can't believe you didn't wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?
Jason
Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use em, man?
Jonah
I can't believe you did this. You messed everything up.
Jason
The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.
Jonah
Well that's true. Everyone knows that.
Jason
What goes up must come down.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings about Chicken Pox and Herpes
Debbie
I gotta go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason
I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben
We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason
It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Reflection and Unexpected Realities
Pete
Every time when you see yourself you think, how is these monster came here
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Boundaries in a Confrontation
Ben Stone
I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.
Debbie
OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.
Ben Stone
Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, OK? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area. Stay in your area, stay out of my room. Back... the... fuck... off.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Unexpected Conversations
Alison
Boobs! Boobs and bush!
Ben
All right, credit bush! That's the best; we're not even five minutes in.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Father's Affection and Son's Realization
Ben's Dad
I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben
I'm the best thing that ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad
Yes.
Ben
Now I'm starting to feel sorry for you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on Appearance and Style
Pete
You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Communication in Relationships
Debbie
I like "Spider-Man".
[crying]
Pete
Okay, then let's go see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Debbie
I don't wanna see "Spider-Man". I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to think of it yourself.
Pete
Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.
Debbie
You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean? This is mean!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Regretful Proposal Rejected
Ben
I proposed to you like an idiot and you said no to me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration Over Doctor's Absence During Labor
Ben
Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling. Guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going in labor, and you are not fucking here. No, where are you? You're at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco, you motherfucking piece of shit! And you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm gonna have to kill you. I'm gonna have to pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie, you piece of shit! I hope you fucking die or drop the fucking chair and kill that fucking kid! I hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding of Doggy-Style Terminology
Ben
Do you want to do it doggy-style?
Alison
You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
Ben
I'm not fucking you like a dog. It's doggy-style. It's just in the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marriage Compared to a Long Comedy Show
Pete
Marriage is like a freak, unfunny version of ], only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
[[Everybody Loves Raymond]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Conversation Sparks Curiosity Among Friends
Ben Stone
Hey! What up, dawg?
[Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers]
Sadie
Where have you been?
Ben Stone
Oh, you know, around.
Sadie
Why is everyone so mad at you?
Ben Stone
They are? What are they saying?
Sadie
Oh, you know. "Blah, blah, blah. Ben's a fool". What's that mean?
Ben Stone
Maniac. It means Maniac.
Sadie
Penis.
[nods her head and then giggles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Time Travel Jokes Among Friends
Debbie
Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and each other?
Pete
Who needs a time machine?
Ben
This is my time machine, man.
[holds up a glass of liquor]
Pete
I'm gonna throw you into my DeLorean, gun it to 88.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awkward Conversation About Intimacy and Discomfort
Pete
... So what do you think? Should we have sex tonight?
[after brushing his teeth]
Debbie
Ugh... sounds awful... I'm just really constipated. Do you really want to?
Pete
Well, not now!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Comedy About Unexpected Consequences
Taglines
From the director of "]" comes a comedy about a one night stand that became something more
[[w:The 40-Year-Old Virgin|The 40-Year-Old Virgin]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Consequences of a Casual Encounter
Taglines
What if this guy got you pregnant?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Morning Realizations
Ben
I'm naked...
Alison
Hmm...
Ben
Did we have sex?
Alison
Yeah.
Ben
Nice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Where Babies Come From
Sadie
Where do babies come from?
Debbie
Where do you think they come from?
Sadie
Well. I think a stork, he, um, he drops it down and then - and then a hole goes in your body, and there's blood everywhere coming out of your head, and then you push your belly button, and then your butt falls off, and then you hold your butt, and you have to dig, and you find the little baby.
Debbie
That's exactly right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Neighborhood Concerns and Humor About Safety
Debbie
Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.
Pete
Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
Debbie
These are sex offenders. They live in our neighborhood.
Pete
Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin rope?
Debbie
If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bathroom Etiquette and Grooming Concerns
Jay
Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin rock this shit!
[sees Alison, embarrassed]
Jonah
What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin stuffed animal!
Jay
You're embarrassing me in front of company!
Jonah
You embarrass yourself!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating a New Baby Girl
Ben
It's a girl - buy some pink stuff!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.