Mrs. Doubtfire poster

Mrs. Doubtfire Quotes

"She makes dinner. She does windows. She reads bedtime stories. She's a blessing... in disguise."

PG-13 1993 · 2h 5m
72
Audience
Apple TV Store Rent on Apple TV Store
72
Audience
26 quotes
Mrs. Doubtfire
Humorous Dental Advice in Mrs. Doubtfire Scene
Mrs. Doubtfire Oh.
[Drops false teeth in her wine]
Mrs. Doubtfire So sorry about that. Just one moment. "Carpe dentum." Seize the teeth.
[pretends to talk with no teeth; Attempts to retrieve false teeth with a fork]
Stu May I assist you?
[take his spoon to help Mrs. Doubtfire]
Mrs. Doubtfire Oh, dear. Oh, a spoon! How clever! Make a pincer! Come at it from both sides.
Mrs. Doubtfire Oh, thank you! There it is! Let's shake them off, like a dog... Sorry! Forgive me. Sorry about my spray. I'll be right back, just have to re-attach them with a little adhesive. Yes. And tell them to "puree the salmon", if you will.
[some of the wine sprays Stu in the face; Natalie starts laughing]
Stu Puree the salmon.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
A Blessing in Disguise
Taglines She Makes Dinner. She Does Windows. She Reads Bedtime Stories. She's a Blessing in Disguise.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Critique of Children's Television Programming
Daniel Which one's the dinosaur?
Lundy The one in the middle, I think.
Daniel Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct. I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane. They should have a little disclaimer that says, "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show." It's incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. That's amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mr. Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane. What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years?
[Lundy chuckles; scoffs]
Lundy Me.
Daniel You?
Lundy Jonathan Lundy.
[offering his hand]
Daniel Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner? I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.
[Lundy nods]
Lundy Ah, maybe.
Daniel That was funny. Listen, I don't mean to criticize. I just, you know...Sometimes I have...
[chuckles]
Lundy Criticize all you want. Show's terrible. I'm gonna cancel it. It's pulling down the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone.
Daniel You know what you gotta do?
Lundy What?
Daniel Just start from scratch. Give it kind of a... Maybe a musical number. You know, imagine a little Tyrannosaurus rex comes out, you know-
Tony Hillard! Get your ass to the truck, that shipment's gotta make a 6:00 flight to L.A.!
[referring to the stack of film cannisters Daniel is supposed to bring to the shipping department]
Daniel Tony, this is Mr. Lundy.
Lundy He knows who I am.
Daniel Yeah. Did you ever wish you could freeze-frame a single moment in your day, look at it and say, "this is not my life"?
[Leaves]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Unexpected Attire and an Unusual Apology
Daniel Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.
[as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice; Takes a drink of scotch]
Lundy Daniel?
Daniel Yeah?
Lundy Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?
Daniel Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.
Lundy Host?
Daniel Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.
[in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice]
Daniel Surprise!
Lundy All right. Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?
Daniel I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
[in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Consideration of Staying with Someone
Frank She wants to know if you wanna come stay with her.
[on the phone with his mother Evelyn; to Daniel, his brother]
Daniel No way!
[quietly]
Frank He says he'll think about it, Ma.
[to his mother]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Facing Problems Together as a Family
Daniel Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family, get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great.
Miranda Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
[shakes her head sadly]
Daniel Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.
Miranda Daniel, please don't joke.
Daniel Okay.
Miranda It's just, we've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel Oh, sure we do. We love each other...Come on Miranda, we love each other. Don't we?
Miranda I want a divorce.
[tearfully]
Daniel No. We can't. We're a family, you know.
[tearfully]
Miranda I'm so sorry.
[tearfully]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
A Revelatory Moment in Mrs. Doubtfire
Mrs. Doubtfire Alright, listen to me. I'm not who you think I am.
Chris Yeah, no shit!
Daniel Watch your mouth, young man!
[breaks character]
Lydia Oh my god.
[shocked]
Chris Dad?
[realizing]
Daniel Yeah.
Lydia Dad?
Daniel Yeah, honey.
Chris You don't really like wearin that stuff, do ya, Dad?
Daniel Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass. This is not a way of life; it's just a job. I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work, y'know? It's the only way I can see you guys every day.
Lydia Who did this?
Daniel Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
Lydia It's really you in there.
[coming around]
Daniel It's just a mask. And this is a bodysuit. I didn't have any operations or anything.
Lydia It's good.
Daniel Yeah. Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris.
[they hug]
Chris No. No, it's okay, I get it. I just...y'know, don't wanna hug ya or anything. Not just yet.
Daniel That's cool. It's a guy thing.
Chris Yeah.
Daniel Well, now that ya know, you can't tell Mom, okay? Because if she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass. Okay? And we can't tell Nattie, because she'll blow my cover. So, you have to promise me, it's just us. All right? You promise?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
A Request for Transformation and Understanding
Frank Daniel, hi!
Daniel Could you make me a woman?
Frank Honey, I'm so happy! Oh, come in.
[hugs Daniel]
Daniel I knew you'd understand.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
First Day as a Woman Experience
Daniel Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm...getting ].
[as Mrs. Doubtfire after setting fake bust and blouse on fire and putting it out while trying to cook dinner; [w:hot flash|hot flashes]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Introduction Between Daniel and Tony
Daniel Excuse me.
[walks inside KTVU studios and up to a desk]
Tony Yeah?
Daniel You Tony?
Tony That's me.
Daniel Hi, I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.
Tony Follow me.
[leads Daniel into a room full of canisters of film reels]
Daniel Oh, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
Tony Not exactly.
[gruff]
Daniel What do I do?
Tony Well, you take all these cans. You box em and you ship em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them. Then more of em'll come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel After you box em-
Tony You ship em. Lotsa luck, smart-ass.
[visibly annoyed; leaves the room]
Daniel I think I made a friend.
[to himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Understanding Family Dynamics and Love
Mrs. Doubtfire Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet. You're going to be all right. Bye-bye.
[reading a letter]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
A Conversation About Miranda Hillard's Children
Stu Four iced teas, Todd.
Ron So, whose rugrats?
Stu Miranda Hillard's.
Ron Miranda Hillard?
Stu The woman I'm seeing.
Ron No kidding? You? The guy who's never having kids? Won't have anything to do with kids? You won't even date a woman who's got kids.
Stu People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life by myself.
Ron She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?
Stu Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now. Thanks, Todd.
[Todd puts the drinks on a tray offscreen]
Ron What about their real father?
Stu What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.
Mrs. Doubtfire Loser? Oh, yeah. Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists - they ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting! I'll get them, sir. Don't worry. Oh, oh. Good waste of juice. Loser. What are you lookin at?
[as Daniel; takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry; as Mrs. Doubtfire; Stu clears his throat and walks back to the family with the iced teas; as Daniel; Ron looks at Mrs. Doubtfire; as Daniel; takes a sip of beer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Dinner Reservation Inquiry at Restaurant
Maitre'd Good evening, Mr. Lundy.
Lundy I'm meeting someone. Has he arrived yet?
Maitre'd No, I'm sorry, he hasn't arrived yet. But we can seat you. Smoking or non-smoking?
Lundy Non-smoking, please.
Maitre'd Non-smoking. Tanya will seat you. Table 15.
Tanya This way, please.
Stu Reservation, Dunmeyer.
Maitre'd Yes, sir...Smoking or non-smoking?
Stu Non-smoking.
Mrs. Doubtfire SMOKING!
Miranda Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
Mrs. Doubtfire No, I don't, but I did. Oh, dear, I found the best way to keep from smoking again and lighting up is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool. Oh, and I know you're Mr. Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.
[to Stu]
Stu Smoking.
Maitre'd All right, table 39. Table 39.
[to Tanya]
Mrs. Doubtfire 39! My age! You're a saint. Thank you very much for humoring an old lady.
Maitre'd Thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
A Surprising Revelation on a Birthday
Natalie Daddy?
Daniel Yeah, honey. It's me. Happy birthday.
[peels off the mask; Miranda screams softly]
Miranda Daniel? Daniel! Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! The whole time? The whole time, you were? THE WHOLE TIME?!
[embarrassed; suddenly angry]
Daniel Oh, I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?
Miranda Don't talk to me! Don't touch me. Don't touch me! I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave! We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going.
[grabs Nattie's hand and pulls her away]
Daniel You guys go.
[whispering]
Lydia I'm sorry, Dad.
Chris Bye.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Home Inspection Guidelines Explained
Mrs. Sellner As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things: your living environment-
Daniel It’s more like a habitat, really.
Mrs. Sellner ...and I will be coming by on Monday and Friday evenings to inspect it.
[glares at Daniel, unamused]
Daniel Well, I'll put on a chicken.
[good old boy accent]
Mrs. Sellner And of course there's also the job issue. I've taken the liberty of making an appointment for you.
[shows Daniel a paper with information pertaining to a job interview]
Daniel Thank you.
Mrs. Sellner Oh, by the way, do you have any special skills?
Daniel Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.
Mrs. Sellner What do you mean, you do voices?
Daniel Vell, I do voices. Yes! We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake. So happy to be in America, don't ask for green card! I want you in the worst way! Well, this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going well for me, I'll tell you that. Hey, boss, give her a chance, she's gonna loosen up any moment. Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know ya. I'll be crazy to make a deal with you! Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head. This is it! Yes, I'm doin it! I'm sittin on a gold mine! Don't make me smack ya, sweetheart, I'll do it. Figaro! I do a great impression of a hot dog.
[German accent; as [[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Genie; as [[w:Mork from Ork|Mork from Ork; as [[w:Moscow on the Hudson|Vladimir Ivanoff; as monster; as [[Groucho Marx; as [[w:Chico Marx|Chico Marx; as [[Sean Connery|Sean Connery; as [[w:Cadillac Man|Joey O'Brien; as [[Ronald Reagan; as [[w:Walter Brennan|Walter Brennan; as [[Humphrey Bogart; as Pudgy the Parrot; normal voice; stiffens and pulls a petrified face]
Mrs. Sellner Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
Daniel I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you. Listen, bottom line, I need to be with my children. And I’ll do anything to do that. You just tell me what to do.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
A Father's Plea for Custody and Connection
Judge Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?
Miranda's Lawyer Nothing further, Your Honor.
Judge Well, Mr. Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney, you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.
Daniel Your Honor, in the past two months, I have secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it an environment fit for children. Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements ahead of schedule. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity, because ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. And once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...it's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just wanna be with them. You know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just - they mean everything to me, and they need me as much as I need them. So please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you.
[sits down]
Judge Mr. Hillard, you've been able to fool a lot of people into believing you're a 60-year-old woman. No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine. But, I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.
Daniel No, it's not that.
Judge The reality, Mr. Hillard, is that your lifestyle over the past months has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard.
Daniel Oh, God, no, sir, please...
Judge You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.
Daniel Supervised, sir?
Judge Yes. A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard. We will re-examine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned.
[bangs gavel]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Concern for an Elderly Woman's Safety
Daniel Had a little accident.
[holds up flattened mask]
Frank Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman. Why wasn't I an only child?
[hands him another one; to himself after Daniel leaves]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Job Interview Confusion in Mrs. Doubtfire
Miranda Hello? Are you calling in response to the ad?
[answers as she is driving]
Daniel Uh-huh.
[while at work; in a monotone feminine voice]
Miranda Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel I was in a band. Severe Tire Damage.
Miranda In a band?
Daniel I just wanna know one thing: are your kids well-behaved, or do they need like a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda Um...I'll have to get back to you.
Daniel Wow! Ja, my name is Ilsa Himmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have?
[Miranda hangs up. Cut to him calling Miranda while taking a bath, in a German accent]
Miranda I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel Oh, a boy. I don't work wit the males cause I used to be one.
Miranda Yikes! Hello?
[hangs up in shock; cut to Daniel calling her later that night]
Daniel Layla, get back in yer cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello? I. Am. Job.
[screams; in a Southern accent; in a soft voice; Miranda hangs up in shock again. He calls her again in a Spanish accent]
Miranda Do you speak English?
Daniel I. Am. Job.
Miranda I'm sorry, the position has been filled. Oh, what a nightmare!
[hangs up]
Daniel Let's go in for the kill.
[as he dials Miranda's number one last time]
Miranda Hello?
[apprehensively answers the phone]
Daniel Hello. I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.
[in a feminine Scots-English accent]
Miranda Yes. Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Daniel Oh, certainly dear. For the past 15 years, I have worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England. That's Smythe, not Smith, dear. And for them, I did house-cleaning, cooking, and took care of their four glorious children. Oh, I grew quite attached to them after 15 years, but they grew up, as children tend to do. Oh, but listen to me, I am going on when you should be telling me about your little ones.
Miranda Well, I have two girls...
Daniel Oh, two precious gems. No doubt, the jewel of your eye.
Miranda ...and one boy.
Daniel Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.
Miranda I must tell you, there would be a little light cooking required.
Daniel Oh, I don't mind that dear. I'd love some heavy cooking, but I do have one rule: They'll only eat good, nutritious food with me. And if there's any dispute about that, it's either good, wholesome food or empty tummies. That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.
Miranda No. Um, would you mind coming on an interview, say, Monday night at 7:30?
Daniel Oh, I'd love to, dear.
Miranda Wonderful. I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.
Daniel Steiner. Oh, how lovely.
Miranda Could you tell me your name?
Daniel My name? I thought I gave it to you, dear.
Miranda No.
Daniel Oh! Doubtfire.
[sees a newspaper headline that reads, "Police Doubt Fire Was Accidental"]
Miranda I beg your pardon?
Daniel Doubtfire, dear. Mrs. Doubtfire.
Miranda Well, I look forward to meeting you.
Daniel Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.
Miranda Bye-bye.
Daniel Ta-ta. Showtime.
[hangs up; in his normal voice; chuckles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
A Transformative Presence Awaits You
Taglines She'll Rock Your World.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Entertaining Dinosaur Performance for Kids
Daniel Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-saurus line! And please welcome the King! ] with a T-Rex] It's a dinner show. Hey, where you from? Hey, I'm gonna make you lunch, thank you very much. Thank you! All right! Ladies and gentlemen, put your claws together. Please welcome James Bronnnnnntosaurus! ] style] Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da. No meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I got to help myself, can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin extinct! Oh, thank you James, but now, yo! it's time for the Raptor Rap. Yo, I'm a Raptor doin what I can, gonna eat everything til the appearance of man. Yo yo, see me, I'm livin below the soil, I'll be back, but I'm comin as oil!
[as Mr. Rogers; sings fanfare; hums tune and imitates [[w:Elvis|Elvis; [w:James Brown|James Brown; Lundy happens to walk in on the set as Daniel begins raps with the raptor]
Lundy Very impressive, Mr. Hillard!
[walks over to Daniel and claps]
Daniel Oh, I didn't know anybody was watching. I was just playing. I don't think I...
Lundy I was watching. That's funny stuff.
Daniel Well, thanks.
Lundy I think kids would like it. They'd be entertained, and they'd get some information, too.
Daniel Yeah, well, that's kind of my theory. I think I could, you know...You don't have to play down to em, you just play to em.
Lundy Listen, I'd like to hear some more of your ideas.
Daniel My ideas?
Lundy How about a dinner meeting?
Daniel Oh, okay.
Lundy Next Friday, Bridges Restaurant, 7:00 sharp.
Daniel I'll be there. Take five. Take five million. You're dead.
[Lundy walks away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Court Ruling on Child Custody Case
Judge Mr. and Mrs. Hillard, although these custody proceedings have always tended to favor the mother, we also realize, perhaps, now, more than ever, that it is not in a child's best interest to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father. However, since at the present time, Mr. Hillard has no place to live and no employment, it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard.
Miranda's Lawyer Congratulations.
Daniel No...
Judge Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday.
Daniel Can't you do something?
[whispering to his lawyer]
Daniel's Lawyer He's already made his decision.
Daniel Isn't it traditional to say, like, "I object" or something? Your Honor, please. I mean, every Saturday, that's one day a week. That's not enough. I have to be with my children. It's not a question, really. I mean, I have to be with them, sir, please. I know it seems like a lot, but for me, it's not enough, really. I haven't been away from them for more than one day since the day they were born.
[to the judge]
Judge Mr. Hillard, I would like to add that this ruling is only temporary.
Daniel Oh, good.
Judge I will assign a court liaison to oversee your case, and there will be a continuance of these proceedings in 90 days. I'm giving you three months, Mr. Hillard.
Daniel Thank you.
Judge Three months in which to get a job, keep it, and create a suitable home. If this proves to be a possibility for you, I will consider a joint-custody arrangement when we reconvene. We're adjourned.
[bangs gavel]
Daniel's Lawyer Well, it looks like there was a little light at the end of our tunnel, eh?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Colorful Conversations and Fabulous Encounters
Daniel I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.
[wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent]
Jack Mmm. Matches your lips.
Daniel God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
Jack Mmm-hmm.
Daniel I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
Jack Mmm.
Daniel I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?
Frank I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.
[pulls out a latex nose]
Daniel Oy, it vas such a shande! I should never buy gribenes from a mohel; it's so chewy. No, oh no, I feel like bubbe. This is not working.
[while wearing a headscarf with a Yiddish accent; normal voice]
Frank Yes, I know it's not working, but don't worry, it's a work in progress, and you're my brother; I will never let you be embarrassed.
Daniel God bless you.
Frank I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.
Daniel But look at this nice thing, though, we have here!
Daniel, Frank, and Jack ]
[singing; [w:Matchmaker, Matchmaker|Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match; find me a find, catch me a catch!]
Daniel ], singing] ] It's not working. I need to go older.
[in a strawberry-blonde wig as [[w:Barbra Streisand|Barbra Streisand; [w:Don't Rain On My Parade|Don't tell me not to live just sit and "puttah". Life’s candy and the sun's a ball of "buttah". Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!; stops singing]
Frank Older? Like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?
Daniel What's the difference?
Frank Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
Daniel What about Joan Collins?
Frank Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Daniel Alright.
Frank But I have some plaster. ]" from ] plays over the montage as Daniel assembles his costume. Finally, Daniel - in full costume - faces Frank and Jack.]
[Montage begins of Frank making a plaster cast of Daniel's face and creating a face mask. "[[w:Luck Be A Lady|Luck Be A Lady; [w:Guys and Dolls|Guys and Dolls]
Daniel Are we close?
Frank Any closer and you'd be Mom.
[Jack smiles with ecstatic delight and the three of them start to dance with glee]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Reflection on Loss and Memory
Mrs. Doubtfire Oh... as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.
Miranda When did he pass on?
Mrs. Doubtfire Eight years ago, dear, this November.
Miranda What happened?
Mrs. Doubtfire He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda How awful. He was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire No, he was hit by a ] truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.
[[w:Guinness|Guinness]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Mrs. Doubtfire's Entertaining Farewell Announcement
Mrs. Doubtfire Oh, you wicked, wicked, monkey! Oh! Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye. Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank. Who is a make-up artist? Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could that be? And we have enough time. Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls. Hello, Mr. Sprinkes.
[knock on door]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Homework Time with Mrs. Doubtfire
Alan Brady Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?
Melvin Cooley Alan, I was wondering if...
Alan Brady You want one of them? I'd rather make a coat for my wife. Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!
[pokes a head mannequin off the table]
Mrs. Doubtfire All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds. It's homework time. Okay?
Lydia Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.
Mrs. Doubtfire No. Now.
[turns off the TV]
Lydia No. We always watch Dick Van Dyke.
[turns the TV back on with the remote control; sets it down]
Mrs. Doubtfire Really? Well- Not anymore. The only thing you'll be watching is Deep CNN. Now! I know you're used to loosey-goosey, but I run a much tighter ship. Between the hours of 3 p.m. and 7 p.m., I'm in charge, and when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.
[picks it up, calmly; tosses the remote into the air; it lands behind her in the fish tank; turns to the kids, who are wide-eyed]
Nattie Punished?
Lydia She's lying. She'd never punish us.
Mrs. Doubtfire Don't...fuss with me.
[evilly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mrs. Doubtfire
Improvisation and Chaos in Film Production
Daniel Salutations, snack. Yipe. On second thought, YIIIIIIIIIIIIPE! 9-1-1! 9-1-1! Police! Civic Authorities! A.S.P.C.A, A.S.A.P! Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped! No! Birdnapped! A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet. Eat your heart out, ]. Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call? In your case, I think not. Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties. But I'm not wholly without heart. How about a nice, soothing cigarette? I will not do this! I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!
[as Grunge the Cat; as Pudgy the Parrot; as Grunge the Cat; [w:Julia Child|Julia Child; as Pudgy the Parrot; as Grunge the Cat; as Pudgy the Parrot, pretends to cough and choke and ad libs over the line "Beak Cancer"]
Lou Here we go again. Cut! Roll it back! What are you doing? Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it?
[irritated, rolls his eyes; Daniel stops, startled]
Daniel Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.
Lou What situation?
Daniel The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!
Lou This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin ] special!
[[Oprah Winfrey]
Daniel Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon. It's like sending each one of em a packet of cigarettes and saying, "Light up!
Lou You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!
Daniel Well, it's a voiceover, it's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better. Don't, Pudgy! Don't smoke!
[as God]
Lou Actors.
[sighing]
Daniel What? Well, let's ask the technicians. Do you think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America? They're biased. That's a mistrial.
[to the technicians; the three technicians are observing the recording studio from a control room, each smoking a cigarette. One of them shrugs; whistles]
Lou Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now, if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script! If you wanna play ], then do it on somebody else's time!
[[w:Gandhi|Gandhi]
Daniel Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
[lifts recording headphones over his head as if to resume recording Pudgy's lines, but then puts them down; affecting an Indian accent; proceeds to exit recording studio]
Lou That's very funny. Where the hell are you goin'? Hey, listen, buddy. I'll tell you somethin'. If you leave, you're not comin back in. I'm not takin any crap from you, pal.
Daniel Well, in the words of Porky Pig... Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou!
[as [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig; exits]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.