Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) - Quotes

Taglines: She'll Rock Your World.

Taglines: She Makes Dinner. She Does Windows. She Reads Bedtime Stories. She's a Blessing in Disguise.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [knock on door] Oh, you wicked, wicked, monkey! Oh! Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye. Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank. Who is a make-up artist? Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could that be? And we have enough time. Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls. Hello, Mr. Sprinkes.

Judge: Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?

Miranda's Lawyer: Nothing further, Your Honor.

Judge: Well, Mr. Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney, you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.

Daniel: [sits down] Your Honor, in the past two months, I have secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it an environment fit for children. Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements ahead of schedule. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity, because ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. And once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...it's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just wanna be with them. You know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just - they mean everything to me, and they need me as much as I need them. So please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you.

Judge: Mr. Hillard, you've been able to fool a lot of people into believing you're a 60-year-old woman. No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine. But, I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.

Daniel: No, it's not that.

Judge: The reality, Mr. Hillard, is that your lifestyle over the past months has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard.

Daniel: Oh, God, no, sir, please...

Judge: You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.

Daniel: Supervised, sir?

Judge: [bangs gavel] Yes. A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard. We will re-examine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned.

Natalie: Daddy?

Daniel: [peels off the mask; Miranda screams softly] Yeah, honey. It's me. Happy birthday.

Miranda: [embarrassed; suddenly angry] Daniel? Daniel! Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! The whole time? The whole time, you were? THE WHOLE TIME?!

Daniel: Oh, I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?

Miranda: [grabs Nattie's hand and pulls her away] Don't talk to me! Don't touch me. Don't touch me! I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave! We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going.

Daniel: [whispering] You guys go.

Lydia: I'm sorry, Dad.

Chris: Bye.

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice; Takes a drink of scotch] Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.

Lundy: Daniel?

Daniel: Yeah?

Lundy: Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?

Daniel: Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.

Lundy: Host?

Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.

Daniel: Surprise!

Lundy: All right. Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?

Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [Drops false teeth in her wine] Oh.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [pretends to talk with no teeth; Attempts to retrieve false teeth with a fork] So sorry about that. Just one moment. "Carpe dentum." Seize the teeth.

Stu: [take his spoon to help Mrs. Doubtfire] May I assist you?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, dear. Oh, a spoon! How clever! Make a pincer! Come at it from both sides.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [some of the wine sprays Stu in the face; Natalie starts laughing] Oh, thank you! There it is! Let's shake them off, like a dog... Sorry! Forgive me. Sorry about my spray. I'll be right back, just have to re-attach them with a little adhesive. Yes. And tell them to "puree the salmon", if you will.

Stu: Puree the salmon.

Maitre'd: Good evening, Mr. Lundy.

Lundy: I'm meeting someone. Has he arrived yet?

Maitre'd: No, I'm sorry, he hasn't arrived yet. But we can seat you. Smoking or non-smoking?

Lundy: Non-smoking, please.

Maitre'd: Non-smoking. Tanya will seat you. Table 15.

Tanya: This way, please.

Stu: Reservation, Dunmeyer.

Maitre'd: Yes, sir...Smoking or non-smoking?

Stu: Non-smoking.

Mrs. Doubtfire: SMOKING!

Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [to Stu] No, I don't, but I did. Oh, dear, I found the best way to keep from smoking again and lighting up is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool. Oh, and I know you're Mr. Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.

Stu: Smoking.

Maitre'd: [to Tanya] All right, table 39. Table 39.

Mrs. Doubtfire: 39! My age! You're a saint. Thank you very much for humoring an old lady.

Maitre'd: Thank you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh... as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.

Miranda: When did he pass on?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Eight years ago, dear, this November.

Miranda: What happened?

Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.

Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?

Mrs. Doubtfire: [[w:Guinness|Guinness] No, he was hit by a ] truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers; sings fanfare; hums tune and imitates [[w:Elvis|Elvis; [w:James Brown|James Brown; Lundy happens to walk in on the set as Daniel begins raps with the raptor] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-saurus line! And please welcome the King! ] with a T-Rex] It's a dinner show. Hey, where you from? Hey, I'm gonna make you lunch, thank you very much. Thank you! All right! Ladies and gentlemen, put your claws together. Please welcome James Bronnnnnntosaurus! ] style] Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da. No meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I got to help myself, can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin extinct! Oh, thank you James, but now, yo! it's time for the Raptor Rap. Yo, I'm a Raptor doin what I can, gonna eat everything til the appearance of man. Yo yo, see me, I'm livin below the soil, I'll be back, but I'm comin as oil!

Lundy: [walks over to Daniel and claps] Very impressive, Mr. Hillard!

Daniel: Oh, I didn't know anybody was watching. I was just playing. I don't think I...

Lundy: I was watching. That's funny stuff.

Daniel: Well, thanks.

Lundy: I think kids would like it. They'd be entertained, and they'd get some information, too.

Daniel: Yeah, well, that's kind of my theory. I think I could, you know...You don't have to play down to em, you just play to em.

Lundy: Listen, I'd like to hear some more of your ideas.

Daniel: My ideas?

Lundy: How about a dinner meeting?

Daniel: Oh, okay.

Lundy: Next Friday, Bridges Restaurant, 7:00 sharp.

Daniel: [Lundy walks away] I'll be there. Take five. Take five million. You're dead.

Stu: Four iced teas, Todd.

Ron: So, whose rugrats?

Stu: Miranda Hillard's.

Ron: Miranda Hillard?

Stu: The woman I'm seeing.

Ron: No kidding? You? The guy who's never having kids? Won't have anything to do with kids? You won't even date a woman who's got kids.

Stu: People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life by myself.

Ron: She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?

Stu: [Todd puts the drinks on a tray offscreen] Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now. Thanks, Todd.

Ron: What about their real father?

Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel; takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry; as Mrs. Doubtfire; Stu clears his throat and walks back to the family with the iced teas; as Daniel; Ron looks at Mrs. Doubtfire; as Daniel; takes a sip of beer] Loser? Oh, yeah. Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists - they ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting! I'll get them, sir. Don't worry. Oh, oh. Good waste of juice. Loser. What are you lookin at?

Daniel: Which one's the dinosaur?

Lundy: The one in the middle, I think.

Daniel: [Lundy chuckles; scoffs] Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct. I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane. They should have a little disclaimer that says, "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show." It's incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. That's amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mr. Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane. What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years?

Lundy: Me.

Daniel: You?

Lundy: [offering his hand] Jonathan Lundy.

Daniel: [Lundy nods] Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner? I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.

Lundy: Ah, maybe.

Daniel: [chuckles] That was funny. Listen, I don't mean to criticize. I just, you know...Sometimes I have...

Lundy: Criticize all you want. Show's terrible. I'm gonna cancel it. It's pulling down the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone.

Daniel: You know what you gotta do?

Lundy: What?

Daniel: Just start from scratch. Give it kind of a... Maybe a musical number. You know, imagine a little Tyrannosaurus rex comes out, you know-

Tony: [referring to the stack of film cannisters Daniel is supposed to bring to the shipping department] Hillard! Get your ass to the truck, that shipment's gotta make a 6:00 flight to L.A.!

Daniel: Tony, this is Mr. Lundy.

Lundy: He knows who I am.

Daniel: [Leaves] Yeah. Did you ever wish you could freeze-frame a single moment in your day, look at it and say, "this is not my life"?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Alright, listen to me. I'm not who you think I am.

Chris: Yeah, no shit!

Daniel: [breaks character] Watch your mouth, young man!

Lydia: [shocked] Oh my god.

Chris: [realizing] Dad?

Daniel: Yeah.

Lydia: Dad?

Daniel: Yeah, honey.

Chris: You don't really like wearin that stuff, do ya, Dad?

Daniel: Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass. This is not a way of life; it's just a job. I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work, y'know? It's the only way I can see you guys every day.

Lydia: Who did this?

Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.

Lydia: [coming around] It's really you in there.

Daniel: It's just a mask. And this is a bodysuit. I didn't have any operations or anything.

Lydia: It's good.

Daniel: [they hug] Yeah. Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris.

Chris: No. No, it's okay, I get it. I just...y'know, don't wanna hug ya or anything. Not just yet.

Daniel: That's cool. It's a guy thing.

Chris: Yeah.

Daniel: Well, now that ya know, you can't tell Mom, okay? Because if she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass. Okay? And we can't tell Nattie, because she'll blow my cover. So, you have to promise me, it's just us. All right? You promise?

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire after setting fake bust and blouse on fire and putting it out while trying to cook dinner; [w:hot flash|hot flashes] Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm...getting ].

Alan Brady: Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?

Melvin Cooley: Alan, I was wondering if...

Alan Brady: [pokes a head mannequin off the table] You want one of them? I'd rather make a coat for my wife. Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!

Mrs. Doubtfire: All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds. It's homework time. Okay?

Lydia: Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [turns off the TV] No. Now.

Lydia: [turns the TV back on with the remote control; sets it down] No. We always watch Dick Van Dyke.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [picks it up, calmly; tosses the remote into the air; it lands behind her in the fish tank; turns to the kids, who are wide-eyed] Really? Well- Not anymore. The only thing you'll be watching is Deep CNN. Now! I know you're used to loosey-goosey, but I run a much tighter ship. Between the hours of 3 p.m. and 7 p.m., I'm in charge, and when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.

Nattie: Punished?

Lydia: She's lying. She'd never punish us.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [evilly] Don't...fuss with me.

Daniel: [holds up flattened mask] Had a little accident.

Frank: [hands him another one; to himself after Daniel leaves] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman. Why wasn't I an only child?

Daniel: [wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.

Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.

Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.

Jack: Mmm-hmm.

Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.

Jack: Mmm.

Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?

Frank: [pulls out a latex nose] I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.

Daniel: [while wearing a headscarf with a Yiddish accent; normal voice] Oy, it vas such a shande! I should never buy gribenes from a mohel; it's so chewy. No, oh no, I feel like bubbe. This is not working.

Frank: Yes, I know it's not working, but don't worry, it's a work in progress, and you're my brother; I will never let you be embarrassed.

Daniel: God bless you.

Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.

Daniel: But look at this nice thing, though, we have here!

Daniel, Frank, and Jack: [singing; [w:Matchmaker, Matchmaker|Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match; find me a find, catch me a catch!] ]

Daniel: [in a strawberry-blonde wig as [[w:Barbra Streisand|Barbra Streisand; [w:Don't Rain On My Parade|Don't tell me not to live just sit and "puttah". Life’s candy and the sun's a ball of "buttah". Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!; stops singing] ], singing] ] It's not working. I need to go older.

Frank: Older? Like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?

Daniel: What's the difference?

Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

Daniel: What about Joan Collins?

Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.

Daniel: Alright.

Frank: [Montage begins of Frank making a plaster cast of Daniel's face and creating a face mask. "[[w:Luck Be A Lady|Luck Be A Lady; [w:Guys and Dolls|Guys and Dolls] But I have some plaster. ]" from ] plays over the montage as Daniel assembles his costume. Finally, Daniel - in full costume - faces Frank and Jack.]

Daniel: Are we close?

Frank: [Jack smiles with ecstatic delight and the three of them start to dance with glee] Any closer and you'd be Mom.

Frank: Daniel, hi!

Daniel: Could you make me a woman?

Frank: [hugs Daniel] Honey, I'm so happy! Oh, come in.

Daniel: I knew you'd understand.

Miranda: [answers as she is driving] Hello? Are you calling in response to the ad?

Daniel: [while at work; in a monotone feminine voice] Uh-huh.

Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?

Daniel: I was in a band. Severe Tire Damage.

Miranda: In a band?

Daniel: I just wanna know one thing: are your kids well-behaved, or do they need like a few light slams every now and then?

Miranda: Um...I'll have to get back to you.

Daniel: [Miranda hangs up. Cut to him calling Miranda while taking a bath, in a German accent] Wow! Ja, my name is Ilsa Himmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have?

Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.

Daniel: Oh, a boy. I don't work wit the males cause I used to be one.

Miranda: [hangs up in shock; cut to Daniel calling her later that night] Yikes! Hello?

Daniel: [screams; in a Southern accent; in a soft voice; Miranda hangs up in shock again. He calls her again in a Spanish accent] Layla, get back in yer cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello? I. Am. Job.

Miranda: Do you speak English?

Daniel: I. Am. Job.

Miranda: [hangs up] I'm sorry, the position has been filled. Oh, what a nightmare!

Daniel: [as he dials Miranda's number one last time] Let's go in for the kill.

Miranda: [apprehensively answers the phone] Hello?

Daniel: [in a feminine Scots-English accent] Hello. I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.

Miranda: Yes. Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Daniel: Oh, certainly dear. For the past 15 years, I have worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England. That's Smythe, not Smith, dear. And for them, I did house-cleaning, cooking, and took care of their four glorious children. Oh, I grew quite attached to them after 15 years, but they grew up, as children tend to do. Oh, but listen to me, I am going on when you should be telling me about your little ones.

Miranda: Well, I have two girls...

Daniel: Oh, two precious gems. No doubt, the jewel of your eye.

Miranda: ...and one boy.

Daniel: Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.

Miranda: I must tell you, there would be a little light cooking required.

Daniel: Oh, I don't mind that dear. I'd love some heavy cooking, but I do have one rule: They'll only eat good, nutritious food with me. And if there's any dispute about that, it's either good, wholesome food or empty tummies. That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.

Miranda: No. Um, would you mind coming on an interview, say, Monday night at 7:30?

Daniel: Oh, I'd love to, dear.

Miranda: Wonderful. I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.

Daniel: Steiner. Oh, how lovely.

Miranda: Could you tell me your name?

Daniel: My name? I thought I gave it to you, dear.

Miranda: No.

Daniel: [sees a newspaper headline that reads, "Police Doubt Fire Was Accidental"] Oh! Doubtfire.

Miranda: I beg your pardon?

Daniel: Doubtfire, dear. Mrs. Doubtfire.

Miranda: Well, I look forward to meeting you.

Daniel: Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.

Miranda: Bye-bye.

Daniel: [hangs up; in his normal voice; chuckles] Ta-ta. Showtime.

Daniel: [walks inside KTVU studios and up to a desk] Excuse me.

Tony: Yeah?

Daniel: You Tony?

Tony: That's me.

Daniel: Hi, I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.

Tony: [leads Daniel into a room full of canisters of film reels] Follow me.

Daniel: Oh, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?

Tony: [gruff] Not exactly.

Daniel: What do I do?

Tony: Well, you take all these cans. You box em and you ship em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them. Then more of em'll come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?

Daniel: After you box em-

Tony: [visibly annoyed; leaves the room] You ship em. Lotsa luck, smart-ass.

Daniel: [to himself] I think I made a friend.

Mrs. Sellner: As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things: your living environment-

Daniel: It’s more like a habitat, really.

Mrs. Sellner: [glares at Daniel, unamused] ...and I will be coming by on Monday and Friday evenings to inspect it.

Daniel: [good old boy accent] Well, I'll put on a chicken.

Mrs. Sellner: [shows Daniel a paper with information pertaining to a job interview] And of course there's also the job issue. I've taken the liberty of making an appointment for you.

Daniel: Thank you.

Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way, do you have any special skills?

Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.

Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices?

Daniel: [German accent; as [[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Genie; as [[w:Mork from Ork|Mork from Ork; as [[w:Moscow on the Hudson|Vladimir Ivanoff; as monster; as [[Groucho Marx; as [[w:Chico Marx|Chico Marx; as [[Sean Connery|Sean Connery; as [[w:Cadillac Man|Joey O'Brien; as [[Ronald Reagan; as [[w:Walter Brennan|Walter Brennan; as [[Humphrey Bogart; as Pudgy the Parrot; normal voice; stiffens and pulls a petrified face] Vell, I do voices. Yes! We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake. So happy to be in America, don't ask for green card! I want you in the worst way! Well, this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going well for me, I'll tell you that. Hey, boss, give her a chance, she's gonna loosen up any moment. Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know ya. I'll be crazy to make a deal with you! Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head. This is it! Yes, I'm doin it! I'm sittin on a gold mine! Don't make me smack ya, sweetheart, I'll do it. Figaro! I do a great impression of a hot dog.

Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?

Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you. Listen, bottom line, I need to be with my children. And I’ll do anything to do that. You just tell me what to do.

Judge: Mr. and Mrs. Hillard, although these custody proceedings have always tended to favor the mother, we also realize, perhaps, now, more than ever, that it is not in a child's best interest to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father. However, since at the present time, Mr. Hillard has no place to live and no employment, it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard.

Miranda's Lawyer: Congratulations.

Daniel: No...

Judge: Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday.

Daniel: [whispering to his lawyer] Can't you do something?

Daniel's Lawyer: He's already made his decision.

Daniel: [to the judge] Isn't it traditional to say, like, "I object" or something? Your Honor, please. I mean, every Saturday, that's one day a week. That's not enough. I have to be with my children. It's not a question, really. I mean, I have to be with them, sir, please. I know it seems like a lot, but for me, it's not enough, really. I haven't been away from them for more than one day since the day they were born.

Judge: Mr. Hillard, I would like to add that this ruling is only temporary.

Daniel: Oh, good.

Judge: I will assign a court liaison to oversee your case, and there will be a continuance of these proceedings in 90 days. I'm giving you three months, Mr. Hillard.

Daniel: Thank you.

Judge: [bangs gavel] Three months in which to get a job, keep it, and create a suitable home. If this proves to be a possibility for you, I will consider a joint-custody arrangement when we reconvene. We're adjourned.

Daniel's Lawyer: Well, it looks like there was a little light at the end of our tunnel, eh?

Frank: [on the phone with his mother Evelyn; to Daniel, his brother] She wants to know if you wanna come stay with her.

Daniel: [quietly] No way!

Frank: [to his mother] He says he'll think about it, Ma.

Daniel: Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family, get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great.

Miranda: [shakes her head sadly] Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.

Daniel: Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.

Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke.

Daniel: Okay.

Miranda: It's just, we've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.

Daniel: Oh, sure we do. We love each other...Come on Miranda, we love each other. Don't we?

Miranda: [tearfully] I want a divorce.

Daniel: [tearfully] No. We can't. We're a family, you know.

Miranda: [tearfully] I'm so sorry.

Daniel: [as Grunge the Cat; as Pudgy the Parrot; as Grunge the Cat; [w:Julia Child|Julia Child; as Pudgy the Parrot; as Grunge the Cat; as Pudgy the Parrot, pretends to cough and choke and ad libs over the line "Beak Cancer"] Salutations, snack. Yipe. On second thought, YIIIIIIIIIIIIPE! 9-1-1! 9-1-1! Police! Civic Authorities! A.S.P.C.A, A.S.A.P! Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped! No! Birdnapped! A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet. Eat your heart out, ]. Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call? In your case, I think not. Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties. But I'm not wholly without heart. How about a nice, soothing cigarette? I will not do this! I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!

Lou: [irritated, rolls his eyes; Daniel stops, startled] Here we go again. Cut! Roll it back! What are you doing? Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it?

Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.

Lou: What situation?

Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!

Lou: [[Oprah Winfrey] This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin ] special!

Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon. It's like sending each one of em a packet of cigarettes and saying, "Light up!

Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!

Daniel: [as God] Well, it's a voiceover, it's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better. Don't, Pudgy! Don't smoke!

Lou: [sighing] Actors.

Daniel: [to the technicians; the three technicians are observing the recording studio from a control room, each smoking a cigarette. One of them shrugs; whistles] What? Well, let's ask the technicians. Do you think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America? They're biased. That's a mistrial.

Lou: [[w:Gandhi|Gandhi] Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now, if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script! If you wanna play ], then do it on somebody else's time!

Daniel: [lifts recording headphones over his head as if to resume recording Pudgy's lines, but then puts them down; affecting an Indian accent; proceeds to exit recording studio] Then I've got to do what I've got to do.

Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you goin'? Hey, listen, buddy. I'll tell you somethin'. If you leave, you're not comin back in. I'm not takin any crap from you, pal.

Daniel: [as [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig; exits] Well, in the words of Porky Pig... Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou!

Mrs. Doubtfire: [reading a letter] Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet. You're going to be all right. Bye-bye.