Shrek the Third (2007) - Quotes

Artie: [off-screen] Everybody, stop!

Donkey: [in Puss' body] Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite!

Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.

Gingerbread Man: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.

Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.

Donkey: [in Puss' body, annoyed] All right, all right, all right! From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

Donkey: [in Puss' body] We went to high school, the boat crashed, and we've got Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booped by the magic man!

Doris: You poor sweet things.

Cinderella: [confused] I don't get it.

Snow White: The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get?

Sleeping Beauty: [wakes up] Huh? Who dat?

Shrek: [confronts Charming in the dressing room] Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.

Prince Charming: [presses a button] Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time.

Shrek: [grabs him] Where's Fiona?

Prince Charming: [grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down] Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. Let me guess. Arthur.

Artie: [facing him] It's "Artie", actually.

Prince Charming: [laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat] This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess.

Shrek: Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him.

Artie: Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right?

Shrek: You weren't really next in line for the throne, I was!

Artie: [angered] But you said the king asked for me personally.

Shrek: Not exactly.

Artie: What's that supposed to mean?

Shrek: Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill! So, so just go!

Artie: [shocked and hurt] You were playing me the whole time?

Shrek: You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.

Artie: You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you...

Prince Charming: [Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty] What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek.

Artie: Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you!

Shrek: Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.

Artie: He's a star, people! Hello?! I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.

Shrek: [continues trying to keep his cool] I'm gonna lose it!

Artie: I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?

Donkey: [in Puss' body; aggravated] Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño HONEY BUTTER!!!!

Shrek: I just lost it.

Guard: Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.

Puss: [in Donkey's body] Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, i promise!

Donkey: [in Puss' body, groans] Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college.

Shrek: Donkey?

Donkey: [in Puss' body, confused; gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body] What? Is there something in my teeth? What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second rate sidekick!

Puss: [in Donkey's body, falls on the ground; groans] At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside of pinata! You should think about going on a diet!

Donkey: [in Puss' body; covers himself as if being naked; Shrek and Artie laugh] Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty! Oh, so you two think this is funny?!

Captain Hook: YA COWARDS!

Shrek: [barges to Hook] What has Charming done with Fiona?!

Captain Hook: [raises his hook, but gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away] She's gonna get what's coming to her. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him!

Donkey: [scared] LOOK OUT! THEY GOT A PIANO!

Captain Hook: [points to Shrek] Kill em all. Except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre.

Shrek: King Charming"?

Captain Hook: ATTACK!!

Fiona: Charming, let go of her!

Fiona: [anonymous] What?

Fiona: Rapunzel, how could you?

Rapunzel: Jealous much?

Prince Charming: Soon you’ll be back where you started… scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week.

Rapunzel: But Pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them.

Prince Charming: Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later.

Shrek: [?] Quiet! Alright, alright, journey to the soul.

Artie: This is lame.

Merlin: [whacks him] You're lame.

Shrek: [gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back] Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin ain't straight trippin just say, "Oh, no you didn't! You know, you're gettin on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's whack!

Artie: [runs up to Merlin's house; knocks on the door of a tree incessantly] SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! Help! Hello?!

Merlin: [the holograph cuts off; comes out the front door and says; bangs on the holograph, which gives him an electric shock] Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare- I knew I should have got that warranty.

Artie: [recognizes his former teacher] Mr. Merlin?

Shrek: [to Artie shortly after they crash the ship] Oh, nice going, Your Highness.

Artie: Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser", huh?

Shrek: Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. And you're gonna be a father!

Artie: [confused] What?

Donkey: [clears his throat, to Shrek] You just said "father".

Shrek: [to Artie] I said king! You're gonna be king!

Artie: [imitates Shrek; reverts back to his normal voice; walks away] You're gonna be king!" Yeah, right.

Shrek: Where do you think you're going?!

Artie: Far Far Away... from you!

Shrek: You get back here, young man, and I mean it!

Artie: I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me.

Shrek: Oh, no, the King asked for you personally.

Artie: Really? Wow. Look, I know it’s not all gonna be fun and games.

Shrek: It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.

Artie: Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.

Shrek: [chuckles sheepishly] Well, I’ve heard it’s harder than it looks.

Artie: Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses.

Donkey: It’s gonna be great, Artie. You’ll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order.

Puss: [jumps up onto the railing next to Artie] And fortunately you’ll have the royal food tasters.

Artie: [intrigued] Oh, yeah? What do they do?

Puss: They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it’s not poisoned.

Artie: Poisoned?

Shrek: [senses trouble and immediately steps in; tries to shut Puss and Donkey up] Or too salty.

Donkey: [to Artie] Don’t worry about it. You’ll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards.

Artie: Bodyguards?

Puss: All of them, willing at a moment’s notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you.

Artie: Really?

Puss: Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance.

Donkey: Just make sure they don’t die of famine.

Puss: Or plague.

Donkey: Oh, plague is bad.

Puss: The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.

Shrek: [interrupts with a mock laugh; sternly to Puss] Oh. Festering sores. Hey, you are one funny kitty cat.

Puss: What did I say?

Shrek: [motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.] We don’t want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Uh, Artie?

Captain: Oh, there goes my hip.

Shrek: [turns the wheel the other way] Artie! What are you doing?

Artie: What does it look like?!

Shrek: This really isn't up to you.

Artie: [falls underneath the wheel and stands up shoving the wheel back the other way] But I don't know anything about being king!

Shrek: You'll learn on the job!

Artie: Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back.

Shrek: [As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he’s gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.] Back to what? Being a loser?! Now look what you did!

Artie: Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?

Donkey: [climbs up onto the railing and is seasick and about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead] SHREK!!

Captain: LAND HO!

Prince Charming: You! You can't lie. So, tell me, puppet... where is Shrek?

Pinocchio: [turns his body around, thinks nervously] Well...I don't know where he's not.

Prince Charming: [gets in Pinocchio's face] You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?

Pinocchio: [still a little nervous] It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume, that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect.

Prince Charming: So you do know where he is.

Pinocchio: On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way. With any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably.

Prince Charming: [angrily] Stop it.

Pinocchio: [Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated] I do not know where he shouldn't be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't.

Gingy: [continues to singing "[[w:Lollipop (1958 song)|Lollipop Song] ]"] On the good ship Lollipop...

Heimlich: [gasps in horror for Shrek's reveal and Pinocchio chuckles nervously] ENOUGH! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir!

Prince Charming: He’s bringing back the next heir?

Pinocchio: [Pinocchio's nose gets longer] No!

Prince Charming: Hook! Get rid of this new king.

Captain Hook: Right!

Prince Charming: But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him.

Pinocchio: [Pinocchio's nose gets longer again] He'll never fall for your tricks!

Big Bad Wolf: Oh, boy.

Captain Hook: [looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook] Well, well, well! If it isn't Peter Pan!

Mother: His name's not Peter!

Captain Hook: Shut it, Wendy.

Artie: [to Shrek] Please, don't eat me.

Students and Teacher: Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him!

Shrek: I'm not here to eat him!

Students and Teacher: [groaning] Aww.

Shrek: It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You are the new king of Far Far Away.

Artie: What?

Lancelot: Artie? King? More like a Mayor of Loserville!

Shrek: Arthur! Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Donkey: [angrily] Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are OVER!

Hall Monitor: Uh, hold it.

Student 1: We're here for the mascot contest.

Student 2: Grr!

Shrek: [pleased with himself] We're here for the mascot contest, too.

Hall Monitor: [suspicious; reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin] This is a costume?

Shrek: [trying to hide the pain; struggling not to scream in agony] Ay! Worked on it all night long.

Hall Monitor: [lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious] Looks pretty real to me.

Puss in Boots: [uses his claws to scratch deep into Shrek's butt] If he were real, could I do this?

Donkey: [kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs] Or this?

Shrek: [winces, sweats, and unbelievably strained] If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.

Donkey: Now watch this!

Shrek: [interrupting; through gritted teeth] That's quite enough, boys.

Donkey: Worcester-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy!

Donkey: Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy!

Princess Fiona: [suddenly feels a bump in her stomach] Shrek!

Shrek: Yeah?!

Princess Fiona: Wait!

Shrek: What is it?!

Princess Fiona: [taking a deep breath; but was cut off by the ship captain's foghorn] I'm... I'm...

Shrek: [laughs] I love you too, honey!

Princess Fiona: [gets cut off by the foghorn again] No! No, I said I'm-

Shrek: [grabs the foghorn from the captain and throws it overboard] You're what?!

Princess Fiona: I said I'm pregnant!

Shrek: [can't believe his ears] Oh... what was that?!

Princess Fiona: You're going to be a father!

Shrek: [laughs nervously] That's great.

Princess Fiona: Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!?

Shrek: [smiles back at Fiona; laughs nervously] Yeah... Me, too. You...

Donkey: [pops up onto the railing] I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!!

Puss in Boots: [the different foghorn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog] And you, my friend, are royally-

Puss in Boots: [talking to cats; another female cats talking; to another female cat; more cats get angry at each other; the cats yowl and screech; then leaves on the journey] It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you... And you... And, uh...hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go.

Prince Charming: [Mabel turns around in front of him] What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. Where's Doris, taking the night off?

Mabel: [spits into the mug; wipes the mug with a cloth] She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Charming?

Prince Charming: [laughs; stands up and turns to the villains] Oh, not much, just a chance at redemption... and a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!

Captain Hook: [Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck] We're not your friends. And you, don't belong here.

Prince Charming: You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us?

Cyclops: Do a number on his face!

Prince Charming: [to the Evil Queen] No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened?

Evil Queen: Oh, what's it to you?

Prince Charming: They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?

Evil Queen: [remorsefully] Pretty unfair.

Prince Charming: [to Stromboli] And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.

Stromboli: I hate that little wooden puppet.

Prince Charming: [turns to Hook; Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage] And Hook...need I say more? And you! Frumpy-pigskin.

Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin.

Prince Charming: [Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; to Mabel; Mabel sighs remorsefully; turns his attention to all the villains] Where's that first-born you were promised? Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has EVER done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their Happily Ever After?!

Harold: [inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian comes to the King’s aid and he settles down.] I'm dying.

Queen Lillian: Harold.

Harold: [Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.] Don’t forget to pay the gardener, Lillian.

Queen Lillian: [The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.] Of course darling.

Harold: Fiona…

Fiona: Yes, Daddy?

Harold: I know I’ve made many mistakes with you.

Fiona: It’s okay.

Harold: [Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.] But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son.

Shrek: [smiles] And I’m proud to call you my Frog… King Dad in-law.

Harold: [wheezes and coughing passes out] Now, there is a matter of business to attend to.

Puss: [Fiona starts weeping. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.] The frog king...is dead.

Donkey: [to Puss] Put your hat back on, fool.

Harold: [Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.] Shrek, please come hither.

Shrek: Yeah, Dad?

Harold: This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne.

Shrek: [laughing; laughs with point; The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.] Oh! Next in line. Now you see Dad, that’s why people love you. Even on your deathbed you’re still making jokes. Oh, come on Dad… an ogre as king? I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I mean, there’s got to be somebody else. Anybody!

Harold: Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir.

Shrek: Really? Who is he, Dad?

Harold: His name is... is...

Shrek: What's his name? What's his name?!

Harold: [wheezing] ...is-

Fiona: [A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A harold's tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.] Daddy!

Harold: [after swallowing a fly and one last time] His name is Arthur.

Shrek: Arthur?

Harold: [coughing; exhaling; He's sick for real] I know... you'll do what's right--

Queen Lillian: [emotionally] Harold?

Shrek: [King Harold doesn't respond; his ears droop] Dad? Dad! Dad?

Donkey: [to Puss; emotionally; Puss takes his hat off] Do your thing, man.

Prince Charming: [Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moves background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience] Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming!

Gingerbread Man: This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!

Pinocchio: [his nose grows] Me, too.

Prince Charming: [rides to the base of the tower; dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose] Whoa there, Chauncey!

Actress: [as the princess, leaning from the tower window] Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.

Prince Charming: [puffing his chest out; An old couple at a table look confused] Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king.

Old Lady: [to the old man; Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince too costume comes onto the stage. The whole crowd erupts into applauses] What did she say?

Gingerbread Man: Yeah! It's Shrek!

Little Pigs and Pinocchio: Whoo, Shrek, yeah!

Prince Charming: [ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the prince] Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!

Waiter: [singing while carrying a birthday cake] Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee

Prince Charming: [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade] Do you mind?!

Gingerbread Man: [The audience laughs] Do you mind?! Boring!

Prince Charming: [glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple; looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Prepare, foul beast... Someday, you'll be sorry.

Heckler: [off-screen; They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits] We already are!

Ogre Mascot: [The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture] Grr!

Prince Charming: [heavy sobs; weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face; looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high; a big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd; crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up] Mommy... You're right. I can't let this happen. I can’t!! I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother, I will restore dignity to my throne! And this time, no one will stand in my way.

Shrek: Good morning.

Princess Fiona: [dreaming] Good morning. Morning breath.

Shrek: [dreaming] I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Donkey: [singing; Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused; coming closer and closer to Shrek; to Fiona; to the Dronkeys; the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in] Good morning, good morning! The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning To you! And you! And you! They grow up so fast.

Shrek: [greatly annoyed; lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed] Not fast enough.

Puss in Boots: [leaps onto the bed] Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir.

Shrek: [very sarcastically; immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore] Great! Let's get started.

Donkey: [yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs] Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! AAH!!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!

Shrek: [holding the sword, then looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword; accidentally stabs the knight in the head] I knight thee. Heh, heh. Ooh.

Donkey: Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?!

Raul: [stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow] Ahem. I will see what I can do.

Princess Fiona: Ow!

Donkey: Oh!

Puss in Boots: [rolls his eyes] Yeah, wow.

Princess Fiona: [feeling uncomfortable] Uh, is this really necessary?

Raul: [to Shrek] Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.

Prince Shrek: I'm Shrek, you twit.

Raul: Whatever.

Puss in Boots: Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!

Donkey: Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

Prince Shrek: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona.

Princess Fiona: [Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh] I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek?

Prince Shrek: Yeah.

Princess Fiona: You look handsome.

Prince Shrek: [she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air; tries to scratch his butt but to no avail; whistles; a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him] Ah. Come here, you. Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Oh. Hey, you! Come here. What's your name?

Fiddlesworth: Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir.

Prince Shrek: Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek! and Princess Fiona

Prince Shrek: Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great.

Princess Fiona: Uh, Shrek?

Prince Shrek: Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good.

Princess Fiona: Shrek...

Shrek: Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great!

Princess Fiona: [Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye] Shrek!

Donkey: [stumbling through the crowd, screamed; grabs hold of a lady in the crowd] Ow! My eye! My eye!

Woman: [pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocks over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona] What are you doing?!

Shrek: [trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapped him] Fiona!

Fiddlesworth: [whimpers] Uhhh...

Shrek: [has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor] Are you okay?

Princess Fiona: [her eyes widen] Yeah. I'm fine.

Fiddlesworth: [his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers; The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire] Ahhhh!!!

Donkey: [blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. Crash! Bang!] Oh! Shrimp! My favorite!

Shrek: Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon?

Shrek: We're here for the mascot contest, too.

Shrek: Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are!

Shrek: [chuckles] Better out than in, I always say.

Shrek: Well, somebody better be dying.

Shrek: Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be.

Shrek: That's it! We're leaving!