22 quotes
Grounded Characters Discuss Their Resistance Plans
Stan
We're "La Resistance". We wanna save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole
I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.
Kyle
So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan
Why are you grounded?
The Mole
Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cocksucking asshole, then I get grounded.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Shelly Takes Charge of the Kids
Shelly
All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?
Stan
Shelly, where's the clitoris?
Shelly
Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my ] records.
[[w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears; opens & closes the door]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Day in the Park
Taglines
It's not just another day in the park.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
International Tensions Over Terrance and Phillip
Canadian Ambassador
As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession!
[shows a pie graph in which Terrance and Phillip have been allotted almost half]
Head of the UN
What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?
American Ambassador
Fuck Canada!
[he stands up and straightens his tie, and flips the Canadian ambassador off]
Canadian Ambassador
Hey, fuck you, buddy!
[responds with left fist in right elbow, and upraised right forearm]
American Ambassador
Terrance and Phillip will not be released, they are going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.
Canadian Ambassador
The fuss is aboot taking our citizens! It's aboot not censoring our art! It's aboot-- It's aboot-- What's so Goddamn funny?!
[the American delegation begins to crack up; he scans the room]
American Ambassador
N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?
[recovering]
Minster
This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity. This is aboot respect. This is about realizing that humor is--
[the American delegates chuckle; the American delegation cracks up again]
Canadian Ambassador
You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot!
[the American delegates are laughing so hard they begin falling off their chairs]
American Delegate
Stop! Stop!
[falls down]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Conversations Between Saddam and Satan
Saddam Hussein
Oh, boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world! I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.
Satan
This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--
[reading "Saddam Hussein is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"]
Saddam Hussein
Hey, that is interesting! Let's fuck!
Satan
Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!
[disgusted]
Saddam Hussein
Hey, Satan!
[pulls out a fake dildo from under the covers]
Satan
Oh! N-Now that is just not appropriate!
Saddam Hussein
Oh, come on, I'm just fucking with you, it's not real!
[throws the fake dildo away]
Satan
Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.
Saddam Hussein
Hey, Satan--
[pulls out another fake dildo]
Satan
Ah!
Saddam Hussein
Hey, it's not real either! Come on, guy!
[throws the other fake dildo away; Satan gets up from the bed and exits the room]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Consequences of Language Restrictions
Kyle
You're late, Cartman!
Cartman
I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
[rubbing his rear]
Kyle
Your behind?
Cartman
I have to say "behind", cause I get shocked if I say "ass". Ow!
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicting Views on Raising Children in Purity
Sharon
My God. This is terrible!
[worried]
Sheila
This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!
[proudly]
Sharon
But we didn't want this!
Sheila
Where are you going?
Sharon
We're going to find our boys! For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!
[angrily]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Dynamics and Student Interaction
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?
[as Mr. Hat; normal voice; Clyde raises his hand]
Clyde
Twelve.
Mr. Garrison
Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
Kyle
I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. SHUT UP, FAT BOY!
[Cartman mocks Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice]
Cartman
AY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YA FUCKIN JEW!
Mr. Garrison
Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman
Jew?
Kyle
No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fuckin’ fat ass!
Mr. Garrison
Kyle!
Cartman
Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison
Eric!
Stan
Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison
Stanley!
Kenny
Fuck.
[muffled]
Mr. Garrison
Kenny!
Cartman
What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison
How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman
How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!
[outraged]
Cartman
Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?
[picks up a megaphone and clears throat]
Stan
Holy shit, dude.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defiance in Spelling Challenge
Teacher
All right, this is for the silver medal. Spell "forensics".
Boy
Ah, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"?
Kids
Yeah!
Boy
Here you go! S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S. Forensics.
[writes on the blackboard]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Military Operations and Dark Humor in South Park
General Plymkin
Battalion 5, raise your hands. You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call "Operation: Human Shield".
[Battalion 5, made up entirely of African-Americans, including Chef, does so]
Chef
Hey, wait a minute!
[outraged]
General Plymkin
Now keep in mind Operation: Human Shield will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? Right, you are "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies". You will follow Battalion 5 here, and try not to get killed for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? Yes, soldier?
[Battalion 14, comprised entirely of Caucasians, raises their hands; Chef raises his hand]
Chef
Have you ever heard of ]?
[[w:Emancipation Proclamation|the Emancipation Proclamation]
General Plymkin
I don't listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will--
[map begins wigging out, Saddam's visage begins to take over the hologram]
Saddam Hussein
Comin to get ya. Comin to get ya.
[tauntingly]
General Plymkin
What's wrong with this thing? Fucking ]! Get ] in here! You told us Windows 98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!
[hologram shorts out; [w:Windows 98|Windows 98; [Bill Gates; Gates enters via soldiers]
Bill Gates
It is faster, over five million--
[the General shoots Gates in the face]
General Plymkin
All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare to fight the Canadian scum!
[soldiers cheer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange About Northern Lights
Terrance
Want to see the northern lights?
Phillip
You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.
Terrance
I sure did, Phillip.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding the V-Chip's Functionality
Dr. Vosknocker
The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.
Randy
Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?
Dr. Vosknocker
It's just like a lie detector, you see? Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.
[to Cartman; Cartman comes out.]
Cartman
Oh, my head hurts.
[rubs his head in pain]
Dr. Vosknocker
Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman
Doggy.
[nonchalantly]
Dr. Vosknocker
Notice that nothing happens. Now say "Montana".
[to parents; to Cartman]
Cartman
Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker
Good. Now "pillow".
Cartman
Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker
All right, now I want you to say "horse fucker".
Liane
Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
Cartman
Horse fu-- AAAH!! Yiii!! That hurt, Godda-- AIII! OW! Fuck! Aghh!!
[gets shocked; crowd gasps; gets shocked; gets shocked]
Dr. Vosknocker
Now I'd like you to say, "Big Floppy Donkey Dick".
Cartman
NO!
[angrily]
Dr. Vosknocker
Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
Cartman
This isn't fair, you sons of bitches!
[angrily; gets shocked repeatedly as he continues shouting in pain]
Sheila
We will start putting V-Chips in all our children next week!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Children's Discontent with Chef's Greeting
Chef
Hello there, children!
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Chef
How's it going?
Boys
Bad.
Chef
Why bad?
Kyle
We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again as a reward.
Chef
Oh, that's too bad.
Cartman
You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind.
[laughs]
Kyle
Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman
No, dude. I'd be scared, too. Your mom's a fuckin bitch.
Kyle
DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, YOU FAT FUCK!
Cartman
DON'T CALL ME "FAT", YOU BUTT-FUCKIN SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!
Chef
Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman
It's pretty fuckin sweet, huh?
[While he, Kyle and Kenny are leaving Stan with Chef]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Between Movie and Church Attendance
Carol
Where do you think you're going?
Kenny
I'm going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.
[muffled]
Carol
You can't, you have to go to church.
Kenny
But Mom, I really wanna see the movie!
[muffled]
Carol
Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church, and then when you die and go to Hell, you can answer to ]!!!
[[Satan]
Kenny
Okay!
[muffled]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Chaos Unleashed in South Park's Journey
Taglines
All Hell Breaks Loose
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange Between Baldwin Brothers
William "Billy" Baldwin
Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin! If you want ], call his extension, stupid! Hey, ], do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
[answers the phone; [w:Daniel Baldwin|Daniel Baldwin; hangs up phone; [Alec Baldwin|Alec]
Alec Baldwin
No. What?
William "Billy" Baldwin
Nothing! Yeah!
William "Billy" Baldwin
Ha-ha! You missed me!
[a single fighter returns and bombs him.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Critics' Unexpected Praise for the Film
Taglines
Uh-Oh, The Critics Love It!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Statue Proposal Sparks Conflict Among Friends
Kenny
Satan, you've got to do something!
[muffled]
Satan
I can't.
[sadly]
Saddam Hussein
Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman
Hey! Don't call me fat, butt-fucker!
[angrily]
Kyle
Yeah, Cartman. Do it!
Cartman
DAMN, SHIT! RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITAH!
Saddam Hussein
Aaggh!
[getting electrocuted]
Cartman
Yes!
Saddam Hussein
Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman
DOG-SHIT TACO!
[attacks Saddam Hussein more, much to everyone's surprise]
Saddam
AAAHH! Quick, Satan, do something!
[gets electrocuted; falls back on the snow and bounces.]
Cartman
Try this on for size. BLOOD-DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!
[inhales deeply]
Saddam Hussein
Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry; I can change!
Satan
Oh!
[in shock]
Cartman
Okay. Not! FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, COCK, BUTTHOLE, ]!!!!!!!!!
[Saddam Hussein smiles evilly, people gasp in horror; takes a deep breath; [Barbra Streisand|BARBRA STREISAND; shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]
Saddam Hussein
Relax, guy! What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! Come on, you weak, stupid cum-bucket! Save me!
[howls in pain, but amid the howls as Satan is horrified; To Satan; Cartman gets startled, then Satan looks back at Saddam in confusion]
Satan
THAT'S IT!!!!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!!
[enraged; Picks up Saddam Hussein]
Saddam Hussein
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!!
[Saddam Hussein is impaled on a spiky rock, then he sighs in agony and he dies]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Impact of Hurt on Characters
Ike
Guys out there is "hurted.
[sees the mouse in the attic; eats the mouse.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendship Tested in a Bet
Cartman
I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.
[he, Kyle and Stan walk up to Kenny's corpse]
Kyle
Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.
Cartman
No, I know. I'm just fuckin’ stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle
Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!
[angrily and sarcastically]
Sheila
So, boys, you saw that movie again?
Boys
Yes.
[miserably]
Sheila
Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
Sharon
And you, Stan, come on.
[Stan exits, and the other two follow]
Liane
And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
Cartman
EY, WHY AM I GROUNDED MORE?! THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!
Sheila
W-W-WHAT?! What was that word, young man?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cartman's Regret Over a Bet
Liane
Eric, what is it?
Cartman
I saw him, I saw Kenny!
Liane
Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much.
[strokes Cartman]
Cartman
I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! Aaggh! Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? Aaggh!
[gets shocked by the V-chip; gets shocked again]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inappropriate Humor in Television Dialogue
Terrance
Good one, Phillip!
Phillip
Cheers, fuck-face.
Conan O'Brien
Guys, you can't say that on TV.
Phillip
Now Terrance smells like my ass!
Brooke Shields
I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
[[The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|[The]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.