South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999) - Quotes

Taglines: Uh-Oh, The Critics Love It!

Taglines: It's not just another day in the park.

Taglines: All Hell Breaks Loose

Ike: [sees the mouse in the attic; eats the mouse.] Guys out there is "hurted.

Kenny: [muffled] Satan, you've got to do something!

Satan: [sadly] I can't.

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman: [angrily] Hey! Don't call me fat, butt-fucker!

Kyle: Yeah, Cartman. Do it!

Cartman: DAMN, SHIT! RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITAH!

Saddam Hussein: [getting electrocuted] Aaggh!

Cartman: Yes!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman: [attacks Saddam Hussein more, much to everyone's surprise] DOG-SHIT TACO!

Saddam: [gets electrocuted; falls back on the snow and bounces.] AAAHH! Quick, Satan, do something!

Cartman: [inhales deeply] Try this on for size. BLOOD-DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry; I can change!

Satan: [in shock] Oh!

Cartman: [Saddam Hussein smiles evilly, people gasp in horror; takes a deep breath; [Barbra Streisand|BARBRA STREISAND; shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted] Okay. Not! FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, COCK, BUTTHOLE, ]!!!!!!!!!

Saddam Hussein: [howls in pain, but amid the howls as Satan is horrified; To Satan; Cartman gets startled, then Satan looks back at Saddam in confusion] Relax, guy! What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! Come on, you weak, stupid cum-bucket! Save me!

Satan: [enraged; Picks up Saddam Hussein] THAT'S IT!!!!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!!

Saddam Hussein: [Saddam Hussein is impaled on a spiky rock, then he sighs in agony and he dies] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!!

Sharon: [worried] My God. This is terrible!

Sheila: [proudly] This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!

Sharon: But we didn't want this!

Sheila: Where are you going?

Sharon: [angrily] We're going to find our boys! For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!

Dr. Vosknocker: The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.

Randy: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?

Dr. Vosknocker: [to Cartman; Cartman comes out.] It's just like a lie detector, you see? Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.

Cartman: [rubs his head in pain] Oh, my head hurts.

Dr. Vosknocker: Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say "doggy".

Cartman: [nonchalantly] Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker: [to parents; to Cartman] Notice that nothing happens. Now say "Montana".

Cartman: Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now "pillow".

Cartman: Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker: All right, now I want you to say "horse fucker".

Liane: Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Cartman: [gets shocked; crowd gasps; gets shocked; gets shocked] Horse fu-- AAAH!! Yiii!! That hurt, Godda-- AIII! OW! Fuck! Aghh!!

Dr. Vosknocker: Now I'd like you to say, "Big Floppy Donkey Dick".

Cartman: [angrily] NO!

Dr. Vosknocker: Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

Cartman: [angrily; gets shocked repeatedly as he continues shouting in pain] This isn't fair, you sons of bitches!

Sheila: We will start putting V-Chips in all our children next week!

Cartman: [he, Kyle and Stan walk up to Kenny's corpse] I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.

Kyle: Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.

Cartman: No, I know. I'm just fuckin’ stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

Sheila: So, boys, you saw that movie again?

Boys: [miserably] Yes.

Sheila: Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!

Sharon: [Stan exits, and the other two follow] And you, Stan, come on.

Liane: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.

Cartman: EY, WHY AM I GROUNDED MORE?! THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!

Sheila: W-W-WHAT?! What was that word, young man?!

General Plymkin: [Battalion 5, made up entirely of African-Americans, including Chef, does so] Battalion 5, raise your hands. You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call "Operation: Human Shield".

Chef: [outraged] Hey, wait a minute!

General Plymkin: [Battalion 14, comprised entirely of Caucasians, raises their hands; Chef raises his hand] Now keep in mind Operation: Human Shield will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? Right, you are "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies". You will follow Battalion 5 here, and try not to get killed for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? Yes, soldier?

Chef: [[w:Emancipation Proclamation|the Emancipation Proclamation] Have you ever heard of ]?

General Plymkin: [map begins wigging out, Saddam's visage begins to take over the hologram] I don't listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will--

Saddam Hussein: [tauntingly] Comin to get ya. Comin to get ya.

General Plymkin: [hologram shorts out; [w:Windows 98|Windows 98; [Bill Gates; Gates enters via soldiers] What's wrong with this thing? Fucking ]! Get ] in here! You told us Windows 98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!

Bill Gates: [the General shoots Gates in the face] It is faster, over five million--

General Plymkin: [soldiers cheer] All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare to fight the Canadian scum!

Saddam Hussein: Oh, boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world! I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.

Satan: [reading "Saddam Hussein is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--

Saddam Hussein: Hey, that is interesting! Let's fuck!

Satan: [disgusted] Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!

Saddam Hussein: [pulls out a fake dildo from under the covers] Hey, Satan!

Satan: Oh! N-Now that is just not appropriate!

Saddam Hussein: [throws the fake dildo away] Oh, come on, I'm just fucking with you, it's not real!

Satan: Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.

Saddam Hussein: [pulls out another fake dildo] Hey, Satan--

Satan: Ah!

Saddam Hussein: [throws the other fake dildo away; Satan gets up from the bed and exits the room] Hey, it's not real either! Come on, guy!

William "Billy" Baldwin: [answers the phone; [w:Daniel Baldwin|Daniel Baldwin; hangs up phone; [Alec Baldwin|Alec] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin! If you want ], call his extension, stupid! Hey, ], do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin: No. What?

William "Billy" Baldwin: Nothing! Yeah!

William "Billy" Baldwin: [a single fighter returns and bombs him.] Ha-ha! You missed me!

Teacher: All right, this is for the silver medal. Spell "forensics".

Boy: Ah, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"?

Kids: Yeah!

Boy: [writes on the blackboard] Here you go! S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S. Forensics.

Terrance: Good one, Phillip!

Phillip: Cheers, fuck-face.

Conan O'Brien: Guys, you can't say that on TV.

Phillip: Now Terrance smells like my ass!

Brooke Shields: [[The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|[The] I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!

Terrance: Want to see the northern lights?

Phillip: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.

Terrance: I sure did, Phillip.

Stan: We're "La Resistance". We wanna save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.

Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan: Why are you grounded?

The Mole: Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cocksucking asshole, then I get grounded.

Shelly: All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?

Stan: Shelly, where's the clitoris?

Shelly: [[w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears; opens & closes the door] Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my ] records.

Kyle: You're late, Cartman!

Cartman: [rubbing his rear] I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

Kyle: Your behind?

Cartman: [gets shocked by the V-chip] I have to say "behind", cause I get shocked if I say "ass". Ow!

Liane: Eric, what is it?

Cartman: I saw him, I saw Kenny!

Liane: [strokes Cartman] Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much.

Cartman: [gets shocked by the V-chip; gets shocked again] I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! Aaggh! Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? Aaggh!

Canadian Ambassador: [shows a pie graph in which Terrance and Phillip have been allotted almost half] As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession!

Head of the UN: What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?

American Ambassador: [he stands up and straightens his tie, and flips the Canadian ambassador off] Fuck Canada!

Canadian Ambassador: [responds with left fist in right elbow, and upraised right forearm] Hey, fuck you, buddy!

American Ambassador: Terrance and Phillip will not be released, they are going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.

Canadian Ambassador: [the American delegation begins to crack up; he scans the room] The fuss is aboot taking our citizens! It's aboot not censoring our art! It's aboot-- It's aboot-- What's so Goddamn funny?!

American Ambassador: [recovering] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?

Minster: [the American delegates chuckle; the American delegation cracks up again] This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity. This is aboot respect. This is about realizing that humor is--

Canadian Ambassador: [the American delegates are laughing so hard they begin falling off their chairs] You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot!

American Delegate: [falls down] Stop! Stop!

Chef: Hello there, children!

Boys: Hey, Chef.

Chef: How's it going?

Boys: Bad.

Chef: Why bad?

Kyle: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again as a reward.

Chef: Oh, that's too bad.

Cartman: [laughs] You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman: No, dude. I'd be scared, too. Your mom's a fuckin bitch.

Kyle: DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, YOU FAT FUCK!

Cartman: DON'T CALL ME "FAT", YOU BUTT-FUCKIN SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

Chef: Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?

Cartman: [While he, Kyle and Kenny are leaving Stan with Chef] It's pretty fuckin sweet, huh?

Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat; normal voice; Clyde raises his hand] Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?

Clyde: Twelve.

Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.

Kyle: [Cartman mocks Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice] I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. SHUT UP, FAT BOY!

Cartman: AY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YA FUCKIN JEW!

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fuckin’ fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: [muffled] Fuck.

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

Mr. Garrison: [outraged] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!

Cartman: [picks up a megaphone and clears throat] Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Carol: Where do you think you're going?

Kenny: [muffled] I'm going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Carol: You can't, you have to go to church.

Kenny: [muffled] But Mom, I really wanna see the movie!

Carol: [[Satan] Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church, and then when you die and go to Hell, you can answer to ]!!!

Kenny: [muffled] Okay!