Ted 2 (2015) - Quotes

Film Executive: [[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill] The new Superman is... ]!

John: FUCK!

Donny: [starts singing] You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they play at the, uh, the (Boston) Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. ♪ Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline. ♪

Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation; Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] ♪ Bah bah bah! ♪ FUCK! Crazy son-of-a-bitch!

Vendor: Hey! What are you doin to that bear?

Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh--

Vendor: You better be planning on buying that.

Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.

Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.

Donny: [Donny grabs cash; Vendor takes cash] Okay. $40, here.

Patrick Meighan: [[Justin Bieber] Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... ].

Ted: Fuck you!

Samantha: Ted!

Ted: Sorry. Sorry.

Patrick Meighan: There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.

John: That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.

Patrick Meighan: Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?

John: [[Foo Fighters] Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a ] concert?

John: You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?

Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.

John: [chuckles] Yeah. Stupid.

Ted: I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.

John: Whoa, be careful with that.

Ted: No, it's okay. It's not loaded-

Ted: [offscreen] And my fuckin nose came off.

John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.

Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.

Samantha: Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.

John: Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.

Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?

Ted: Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.

Ted: Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

John: No, she wasn't.

Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes!

Samantha: What are the "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: Some women just have "fuck me" eyes.

Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: [[w:Gollum|Give us the ring, my precious] No, you have "]" eyes.

Samantha: You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

Ted: Who's that?

Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America.

John: Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?

Ted: Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.

Samantha: If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.

Ted: Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.

John: What do you mean?

Ted: I mean saying his name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John: Shut up! Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!

Ted: No, John, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John: You are messing with powers you do not understand, all right? Cut the shit!

John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--

Ted: Clubber Lang.

John: FUCKING--

Samantha: What's a Clubber Lang?

Ted: What's a Clubber Lang"?

John: [[Mr. T|Mr. T's; [Rocky III] ] character in ], hello?

Samantha: Is that the boxing movies?

Ted: [vocalizes the Rocky theme song] The boxing movies"?! You've never seen Rocky? You know, . You know, Rocky.

Samantha: I'm not gonna think about a movie I've never seen just because you sing a song I've never heard.

John: Jesus, you don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.

Samantha: [[Hamlet; [Achilles; [Dorian Gray] I have a college degree. My pop culture references are ], ] and ]. Ever heard of those guys?

Ted: No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their asses.

John: Yeah, Sam, you need to be educated.

Samantha: [[The Great Gatsby] Oh, really? Can either of you tell me who wrote ]?

John: [[Judy Blume] ]?

Ted: [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler] ]?

Samantha: [[F. Scott Fitzgerald] ].

John: Who's that?

Samantha: The author.

John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?

Samantha: What?

Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John: Yeah.

Samantha: No, that's his first name.

Ted: [confused] His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?

Samantha: What? No!

John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?

Samantha: Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)

Ted: No, it's got to be "Fuck".

John: It must be "Fuck".

Ted: It's got to be "Fuck".

John: It has to be "Fuck".

Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

John: Well, cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck.

Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted: [[w:Clubber Lang|Clubber Lang] Yeah, well, whatever. Ted ]. Get used to it.

Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?

Ted: Yup, bring it on.

Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?

Ted: Objection!

John: Sustained!

Samantha: No, the witness can't object.

John: Overruled.

Ted: Sidebar.

John: Guilty!

Ted: Speculation.

John: Hearsay!

Ted: Bailiff.

John: Briefcase.

Ted: Disregard.

John: In my chambers.

Ted: Stop beavering the witness.

John: I rest.

Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

John: Bang.

John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism.

Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?

Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home.

Ted: What's your middle name?

Samantha: Leslie.

Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John: [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Sam(uel) L. Jackson] That's great! I mean, just like ].

Samantha: Who is that?

Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

Ted: [reading notes from mail; [w:Chase Bank|Chase Bank; [w:Discover Card|Discover card; [w:Papa Gino's|Papa Gino's] Dear Ted, your ] account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your ] has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a ] rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.

Tami-Lynn: [sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.

Ted: I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.

Tami-Lynn: [discovers a note] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!

Ted: [takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong?

Tami-Lynn: [reads it] Look at this. "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?

Ted: [snatches the note; reads it, and feels shocked at it] Let me see that. This is a nightmare.

John: [to Ted] FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin it in! You gotta fuckin help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin mouth!

Ted: [[Facebook] Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on ].

John: NO!!!

Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrrMondays.

Nurse: Oh, my God!

John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!

Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

John: Fuck!

Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

John: Yeah, go ahead.

Ted: [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] Okay, thanks. WHAT THE FUCK?!

John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!

Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!

John: Well, what the hell are you doin lookin at my private shit?!

Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John: Well, I've been meanin to clear some of that out!

Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?

John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein the tongue go the other way!

Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!

John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!

Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!

Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.

John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin at that shit, please!

Ted: [closes John's laptop] Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin back in the game.

John: Fine. I got it. Done.

Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.

John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.

Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.

John: All right, there, you happy?

Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.

Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.

Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.

Ted: I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.

Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

Customer: Hey.

Ted: Hello.

Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?

Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?

Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-

Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?

Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.

Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.

Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?

Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.

Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.

Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.

Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?

Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.

Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.

Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

Ted: Are you fucking kidding me?

John: What?

Ted: What do you mean what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!

John: I'm not into it.

Ted: John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.

John: Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.

Ted: Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.

John: What?

Ted: It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

John: I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?

Ted: God, yeah, it was a friggin disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

Ted: [reading his paper] Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?

Tami-Lynn: [at the stove] I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?

Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?

Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?

Ted: You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.

Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.

Ted: Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.

Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!

Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.

Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!

Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off!

Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?

Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!

Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your ass!

Tami-Lynn: You're acting like an asshole, all right?!

Ted: Oh, what am I actin like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!

Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!

Ted: You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!

Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay? So get the fuck off my case!

Ted: The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!

Tami-Lynn: I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.

Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!

Tami-Lynn: [Just then, Tami-Lynn mock gasps] He treated me good. And... He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!

Ted: [Hearing this makes Tami-Lynn looks pissed.] Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis!

Tami-Lynn: [angry; She grabs the frying pan quickly.; She angrily throws the pan at Ted] What the fuck did you just call me?! FUCKER?!

Ted: [avoids getting hit by pan; shocked] I said, "Boston--" What the fuck?!

Tami-Lynn: [she throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it] You wanna call me a "whore"?!

Ted: [He picks up the bottle, sternly] You wanna throw shit?!

Tami-Lynn: [firmly] Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!

Ted: [He angrily throws bottle at wall, breaking it; Ted then angrily tips the table] I'll fucking throw shit! There, see?! How do you like that?!

Tami-Lynn: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!

Ted: [hears a neighbor, groans; Then, he opens the window and yells] Oh, for Christ's sake. Hey, you shut the fuck up!

Neighbor: Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!

Ted: Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!

Neighbor: I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Ted: Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

Neighbor: Shut the fuck up, you stupid BITCH!

Ted: Hey, shut up, lady!

Neighbor: Run the fuck back to Russia, *YOU BITCH*!

Ted: This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying TO sleep!

Neighbor: [Another neighbor firmly closes the window; to Ted] Shut the fuck up! Hey, I'm really sorry!

Ted: Yeah, me too.

Neighbor: She's worse than us.

Ted: Yeah, she's our enemy now.

John: Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

Ted: No! No! I said no Electric Slide! Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!

Ted: Sittin out here in a public, jerkin off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?