23 quotes
Test Questions in a Legal Setting
Samantha
Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted
Yup, bring it on.
Samantha
You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted
Objection!
John
Sustained!
Samantha
No, the witness can't object.
John
Overruled.
Ted
Sidebar.
John
Guilty!
Ted
Speculation.
John
Hearsay!
Ted
Bailiff.
John
Briefcase.
Ted
Disregard.
John
In my chambers.
Ted
Stop beavering the witness.
John
I rest.
Ted
We could totally be lawyers.
John
Bang.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Civil Rights Attorney Mentioned in Conversation
Samantha
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
Ted
Who's that?
Samantha
He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
John
Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?
Ted
Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.
Samantha
If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Meaning of "Fuck Me" Eyes
Ted
Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John
No, she wasn't.
Ted
She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes!
Samantha
What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted
Some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha
Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted
No, you have "]" eyes.
[[w:Gollum|Give us the ring, my precious]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Exchange About Names
Ted
What's your middle name?
Samantha
Leslie.
Ted
Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John
That's great! I mean, just like ].
[[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Sam(uel) L. Jackson]
Samantha
Who is that?
Ted
You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awkward Moments with Unusual Party Gifts
John
Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted
Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.
Samantha
Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.
John
Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha
Oh, you think this is big?
Ted
Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marriage Therapy Experience Revealed as Disastrous
John
I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?
Ted
God, yeah, it was a friggin disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Karaoke in a Public Space
Donny
You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they play at the, uh, the (Boston) Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. ♪ Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline. ♪
[starts singing]
Ted
♪ Bah bah bah! ♪ FUCK! Crazy son-of-a-bitch!
[suddenly sings out due to temptation; Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him]
Vendor
Hey! What are you doin to that bear?
Donny
I'm sorry, I, uh--
Vendor
You better be planning on buying that.
Donny
He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor
Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny
Okay. $40, here.
[Donny grabs cash; Vendor takes cash]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Cautionary Mention of Beetlejuice
Ted
Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John
What do you mean?
Ted
I mean saying his name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John
Shut up! Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted
No, John, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John
You are messing with powers you do not understand, all right? Cut the shit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Exchange About Cannabis Strains
John
That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism.
Ted
Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?
Samantha
No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles of Parenthood and Citizenship
Ted
Dear Ted, your ] account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your ] has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a ] rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.
[reading notes from mail; [w:Chase Bank|Chase Bank; [w:Discover Card|Discover card; [w:Papa Gino's|Papa Gino's]
Tami-Lynn
This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
[sad; looking at baby's shoes]
Ted
I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
Tami-Lynn
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
[discovers a note]
Ted
What? What's wrong?
[takes his reading glasses off]
Tami-Lynn
Look at this. "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
[reads it]
Ted
Let me see that. This is a nightmare.
[snatches the note; reads it, and feels shocked at it]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dating Perspectives and Unexpected Discoveries
John
You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?
Samantha
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.
John
Yeah. Stupid.
[chuckles]
Ted
I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.
John
Whoa, be careful with that.
Ted
No, it's okay. It's not loaded-
Ted
And my fuckin nose came off.
[offscreen]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Conversations About Food and Finances
Ted
Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
[reading his paper]
Tami-Lynn
I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
[at the stove]
Ted
What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
Tami-Lynn
I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
Ted
You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.
Tami-Lynn
Yeah? So are you.
Ted
Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.
Tami-Lynn
Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!
Ted
I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
Tami-Lynn
Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!
Ted
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn
You're always cutting me off!
Ted
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn
It's important to look good at work, okay?
Ted
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn
I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
Ted
Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
Tami-Lynn
You're acting like an asshole, all right?!
Ted
Oh, what am I actin like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!
Tami-Lynn
Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
Ted
You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
Tami-Lynn
I am the face of the business, okay? So get the fuck off my case!
Ted
The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
Tami-Lynn
I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
Ted
Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
Tami-Lynn
He treated me good. And... He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
[Just then, Tami-Lynn mock gasps]
Ted
Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis!
[Hearing this makes Tami-Lynn looks pissed.]
Tami-Lynn
What the fuck did you just call me?! FUCKER?!
[angry; She grabs the frying pan quickly.; She angrily throws the pan at Ted]
Ted
I said, "Boston--" What the fuck?!
[avoids getting hit by pan; shocked]
Tami-Lynn
You wanna call me a "whore"?!
[she throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it]
Ted
You wanna throw shit?!
[He picks up the bottle, sternly]
Tami-Lynn
Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
[firmly]
Ted
I'll fucking throw shit! There, see?! How do you like that?!
[He angrily throws bottle at wall, breaking it; Ted then angrily tips the table]
Tami-Lynn
Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!
[sarcastically]
Ted
Oh, for Christ's sake. Hey, you shut the fuck up!
[hears a neighbor, groans; Then, he opens the window and yells]
Neighbor
Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!
Ted
Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
Neighbor
I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
Ted
Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
Neighbor
Shut the fuck up, you stupid BITCH!
Ted
Hey, shut up, lady!
Neighbor
Run the fuck back to Russia, *YOU BITCH*!
Ted
This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying TO sleep!
Neighbor
Shut the fuck up! Hey, I'm really sorry!
[Another neighbor firmly closes the window; to Ted]
Ted
Yeah, me too.
Neighbor
She's worse than us.
Ted
Yeah, she's our enemy now.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ted's Unexpected Comparison in Public Setting
Ted
Sittin out here in a public, jerkin off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Burden of Expectations and Identity
Patrick Meighan
Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... ].
[[Justin Bieber]
Ted
Fuck you!
Samantha
Ted!
Ted
Sorry. Sorry.
Patrick Meighan
There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.
John
That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.
Patrick Meighan
Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?
John
Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a ] concert?
[[Foo Fighters]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Proposal for a Store Name
Frank
You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted
I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank
That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Chaos During a Medical Emergency
John
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin it in! You gotta fuckin help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin mouth!
[to Ted]
Ted
Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on ].
[[Facebook]
John
NO!!!
Ted
#GrrrMondays.
[types on his phone]
Nurse
Oh, my God!
John
Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted
We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!
Nurse
Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted
Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
John
Fuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ted's Rejection of Forced Group Activities
Ted
No! No! I said no Electric Slide! Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pop Culture References in Ted 2 Scene
John
Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--
Ted
Clubber Lang.
John
FUCKING--
Samantha
What's a Clubber Lang?
Ted
What's a Clubber Lang"?
John
] character in ], hello?
[[Mr. T|Mr. T's; [Rocky III]
Samantha
Is that the boxing movies?
Ted
The boxing movies"?! You've never seen Rocky? You know, . You know, Rocky.
[vocalizes the Rocky theme song]
Samantha
I'm not gonna think about a movie I've never seen just because you sing a song I've never heard.
John
Jesus, you don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.
Samantha
I have a college degree. My pop culture references are ], ] and ]. Ever heard of those guys?
[[Hamlet; [Achilles; [Dorian Gray]
Ted
No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their asses.
John
Yeah, Sam, you need to be educated.
Samantha
Oh, really? Can either of you tell me who wrote ]?
[[The Great Gatsby]
John
]?
[[Judy Blume]
Ted
]?
[[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]
Samantha
].
[[F. Scott Fitzgerald]
John
Who's that?
Samantha
The author.
John
Well, why are you saying fuck him?
Samantha
What?
Ted
You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John
Yeah.
Samantha
No, that's his first name.
Ted
His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
[confused]
Samantha
What? No!
John
Well, what does the "F" stand for?
Samantha
Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)
Ted
No, it's got to be "Fuck".
John
It must be "Fuck".
Ted
It's got to be "Fuck".
John
It has to be "Fuck".
Samantha
Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John
Well, cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted
Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck.
Samantha
That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted
Yeah, well, whatever. Ted ]. Get used to it.
[[w:Clubber Lang|Clubber Lang]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reaction to Superman's New Portrayal
Film Executive
The new Superman is... ]!
[[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill]
John
FUCK!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings About Romantic Intentions
Ted
Are you fucking kidding me?
John
What?
Ted
What do you mean what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
John
I'm not into it.
Ted
John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.
John
Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.
Ted
Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.
John
What?
Ted
It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cereal Inquiry Between Customer and Ted
Customer
Hey.
Ted
Hello.
Customer
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted
Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
Customer
Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted
Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
Customer
Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Ted
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Customer
So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted
No, no, you-you should be fine.
Customer
You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted
Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer
Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
Ted
Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
Customer
And, uh, I won't be followed?
Ted
Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
Customer
Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted
I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Laptop Discovery in Apartment
Ted
Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
John
Yeah, go ahead.
Ted
Okay, thanks. WHAT THE FUCK?!
[slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock]
John
Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
Ted
There's so much porn!
[views John's laptop]
John
Well, what the hell are you doin lookin at my private shit?!
Ted
What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John
Well, I've been meanin to clear some of that out!
Ted
Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
John
Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein the tongue go the other way!
Ted
You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
John
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
[breaks down]
Ted
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John
Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
Ted
Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
John
All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin at that shit, please!
Ted
Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin back in the game.
[closes John's laptop]
John
Fine. I got it. Done.
Ted
All right. Now let's get rid of this.
John
What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
Ted
No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
John
All right, there, you happy?
Ted
No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
Ted
Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discontent with Chrysler's Performance
John
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.