Time Bandits (1981) - Quotes

Stealing History in Time Bandits

Taglines: ...they didn't make history, they stole it!

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Exploring the Depths of Dreams and Reality

Taglines: All the dreams you've ever had - and not just the good ones...

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Divine Decisions and Consequences in Time Bandits

Supreme Being: I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, small shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.

Randall: Oh, thank you, sir.

Supreme Being: Yes, well, I am the nice one.

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A Tense Moment Over Food Choices

Vermin: Rat, anybody? Might be the last meal you get.

Randal: Oi, leave off!

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The Value of Money in Isolation

Kevin: [referring to Agamemnon,an ancient Greek king] The money wasn't important to him.

Randall: He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.

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Uncertainty After the First Heist

Kevin: Is it always like this after you've done a raid?

Fidgit: I don't know. We've never done one before.

Kevin: But I thought you were international criminals.

Randall: Going to be. Going to be.

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Desperation Amidst Unexpected Danger

Fidgit: I wanna go home! I can't stand it! You're gonna get us all killed, Randall!

Randall: Stop whimpering Fidget! How was I to know we were gonna run slap bang into an iceberg? It didn't say Get off before the iceberg on the ticket!

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A Moment of Unusual Goodness

Evil: Suddenly, I feel very, very good.

Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Master.

Evil: No, it'll pass, it'll pass.

Benson: Shall I bring them in, Master?

Evil: Yes, Benson. Bring them into the Time of Legends!

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Conflict Over Leadership in a Gang

Randall: Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?

Strutter: No, we agreed: No leader!

Randall: Right. So shut up and do as I say.

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The Perils of Ignorance and Flattery

Evil: Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

Benson: Oh, you say such nice things, Master.

Evil: Yes I know, I'm sorry!

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Debate on Robin Hood's Character and Legacy

Kevin: I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.

Randall: Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!

Kevin: That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.

Randall: Of course, you know it all.

Kevin: He was one of my heroes.

Randall: Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?

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Unexpected Length of a Robber's Experience

Robin Hood: And how long have you been a robber?

Strutter: Four foot one.

Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?

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Robin Hood's Promises to the Poor

Robin Hood: Oh yes, and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor. Aren't they Redgrave?

Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?

Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.

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Misunderstanding About the Poor

Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?

Randall: Who?

Robin Hood: The poor.

Randall: The poor?

Robin Hood: Oh, you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor!

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Embracing the Thrill of Evil

Evil: Oh, Benson! I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Benson!

Benson: Good! Good!

Evil: Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!

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Unexpected Edibility in Time Bandits

Wally: Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten.

Vermin: You never know till you've eaten it!

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The Quest for Technological Supremacy

Evil: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.

Minion: Uh, understanding of what, Master?

Evil: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being! God isn't interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how He spends His time! Forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!

Robert: Slugs.

Evil: [accidentally zaps a minion, who screams] Slugs! He created slugs. They can't hear! They can't speak! They can't operate machinery! I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic?... If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one! Sorry.

Divine Creation and Its Incompetence

Evil: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?

Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One!

Evil: What did you say?

Baxi: [Evil blows him to bits] Well He created you, so He can't be totally—

Evil: [Minions applaud] Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. I am all powerful!

Cartwright: [Evil obliterates him] But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?

Evil: It's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?

Robert: Because you—

Evil: Shut up. I'm speaking rhetorically.

Robert: Oh, of course.

Evil: I let Him keep me here in order to lull Him into a false sense of security.

The Imperfections of the Universe Explained

Randall: You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. We only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes. Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinking rich?

Evil's Unusual Lesson Proposal

Evil: You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?