Screen Junkies better hope Russell Crowe doesn't have a phone handy after this withering (but hilarious) Honest Trailer for "Gladiator."

To be fair, the entire early '00s are dragged, but even Crowe's real-life band has an unflattering cameo in this takedown.

"Watch Max take on every challenge in his life with calm, stoic acceptance; calm, stoic dirt-rubbing; or calm stoic wheat-petting, in this one-note performance that won him Best Actor. ... But damn if that one-note doesn't get me pumped!"

But "off-putting weirdo" Joaquin Phoenix gets the best critique:

"Witness one of the most disturbing performances ever, as the evil emperor shows off his many daddy issues, sister issues, and ... nephew issues? Ew. He's basically Jaime Lannister if he couldn't fight, or command an army, or bang his sister, or really do anything else right."

They still love the movie, though, and allow that the confusing mix of real and fake history is still 100 times more real than "300."

Watch the trailer:Not gonna lie: "Why is a goat there?!" earned itself an LOL.

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