Chris RockQuotes

Mays Gilliam: [[w:Apollo Theater|Apollo; [James Brown; [w:Luther Vandross|Luther Vandross] You're right, Vice-President Lewis. I am an amateur. When it comes to creating so many enemies that we need billions of dollars to protect ourselves, I'm an amateur. When it comes to paying farmers not to grow food while people in this country starve every day, I'm an amateur. When it comes to creating a drug policy that makes crack and heroin cheaper than asthma and AIDS medicine, I'm an amateur. But there's nothing wrong with being an amateur. The people that started the Underground Railroad were amateurs. Martin Luther King was an amateur. Have you ever been to Amateur Night at the ]? Some of the world's best talent was there: ], ], Rockwell, the Crown Heights Affair.

Martin Geller: Hall and Oates!

Gilliam: The Fat Boys, Rob Base. But you wouldn't know nothing about that. Why? Because when it comes to judging talent and potential.. you, my friend, are an amateur!

Vice-President Brian Lewis: I believe the alderman is over his time.

Gilliam: No, no you had eight years of talk. Now it's my turn. I'm gonna get mine. I'm getting mine!

Arbiter: [reacting to audience] Ladies and gentlemen, hold your applause, please.

Gilliam: [everybody laughs at the description; to Lewis; waves hand; entire audience is on standing ovation] How can you help the poor if you never been poor? How can you stop crime if you don't know no criminals? How can you make drug policy if you never smoked a chronic? How can you do that? Just a nickel bag. I'm a real American. I've been high, I've been robbed, I've been broke. My credit is horrible. They won't even take my cash! Now, you're always talking about "God bless America, and no place else," but isn't it obvious that God has blessed America? America is the richest, most powerful nation on Earth. If America was a woman, America would be a big-titty woman and everybody loves a big-titted woman. So in closing, I'd like to say you are full of shit! "God bless America and no place else." How about "God bless Haiti"? How about "God bless Africa"? How about "God bless Jamaica"? I'm not talking about Jamaica, the beach tribes y'all love, I'm talking about stabbing in Jamaica. That's what I'm talking about. So tonight, I want to say God bless America, and everybody else! The whole world! God bless you! I'm Mays Gilliam, and I'm running for President of the United States of America. Ya heard?

Mays Gilliam: Your mother's ass is so big, when she sits down she's three feet taller. Yo, Lewis! Your mother's got a really big ass!

Lewis Advisor: Sir, it's time we prepare for a debate.

Vice-President Brian Lewis: Nah, give me one good reason I should debate that jerk.

Lewis Advisor: He talked about your mother, sir!

Lewis: [gets slapped by his mother, who does have a large butt] So what?

Mrs Lewis: [tearfully walks off] Are you going to just let him talk about me like that?

Mays Gilliam: [takes off coat] They had a speech written for me about what the people need, but you guys are the people. You know what you need. Better schools, better jobs, less crime. How many of you, right now work two jobs just to have enough money to be broke? That ain't right. If you work two jobs, and at the end of the week, you got just enough money to get your broke ass home, Let me hear you say, "That ain't right!

Crowd: That ain't right!

Gilliam: How many of you have children that they call stupid? Don't be ashamed! It ain't your fault. I asked my niece the other day, "What's four plus four?" She said, "44." But that ain't her fault! That's the school's fault. If your child's school has old-ass books and brand-new metal detectors, let me hear you say, "That ain't right!

Crowd: That ain't right!

Gilliam: [[w:Last will and testament|will] It ain't right. And now we got these corporations stealing all the money. They ain't stealing their money, they stealing our money! The pension. You work for 35 years. You thought you'd leave your kids a ], now you're gonna leave them with a won't! You show up to get your pension, they give you a pen! Give you a damn pen! What in the hell am I supposed to do with a pen? I should stab you in the neck with this pen, Mr. Pension Taker.

Old man: [stands up and points at Mays] Get your hand out of my pocket!

Gilliam: Taking everybody's pension, and nobody going to jail.

Mitch Gilliam: [to attendee] That's some bullshit. Ain't it?

Mays: Meanwhile, you and I steal a Big Mac with cheese next thing you know, we on Death Row!

Crowd: That ain't right!

Gilliam: [as crowds get more agitated; crowd responds with That ain't right! with every question; to campaign staffers; to crowd] How many of you work in a city you can't afford to live in? That ain't right! How many of you work in a mall you can't afford to shop in? That ain't right! How many of you clean up a hotel... you ain't never gonna be able to stay in? That ain't right! And we got nurses that work in hospitals they can't even afford to get sick in. It ain't right! It ain't right. It ain't right. It isn't right! That shit is wrong! It's dead wrong!

Haru: The blackness of my belt is as black as inside of a coffin on a moonless night.

Joey: That's pretty nice, man.

Bony T: Now check this out, man. I've been working here about 9 days. You know, been on time most of the time, even when it rains. Don't you think it's about time we talk promotion?

Marcus: HAHAHA!

Bony T: Marcus. Come on, man. I get my own office, man. Bring my hos in here, we have a little party, set this muthafucka off, man!

Pookie: [as Pooky peers into camera in despair] Scottie, help me - I'm gonna die!

Pookie: (Pooky describing a room used for freebasing) They call it the "Enterprise Room", man, because it's for people who wanna be beamed up to Scotty.

Pookie: (sobbing) I tried to kick... but that shit just be callin me man, it be callin me, man... I just got to go to it!

Pookie: They got that shit hooked up like Mission Impossible, man!

Caretaker: Now who we gonna crush?!

Crowd: THE GUARDS!

Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?!

Crowd: THE GUARDS!

Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?!

Brucie: THE GUARDS!

Caretaker: [everyone mocks Brucie] Gotcha.

Inmate: Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.

Cheeseburger Eddy: [Crewe shrugs head] I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... I just got burgers.

Paul Crewe: I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.

Deacon: The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.

Cheeseburger Eddy: [makes a robot dance as his friends laugh] Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.

Caretaker: That's a big-ass robot.

Paul: Yeah.

Battle: Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?

Nate Scarborough: Full contact.

Battle: Captain Knauer is their quarterback?

Caretaker: Yup.

Battle: So I get to...tackle him?

Paul Crewe: [Pointing to Battle's crotch.] Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer.

Battle: [Grins] I want to hurt him, not kill him.

Caretaker: [To Crewe] Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.

Paul: Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

Nate Scarborough: [accessing main computer] Hazen has a rating system for every con.

Paul Crewe: [sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file] What's three stars?

Nate: The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.

Skitchy: Five stars is the max.

Caretaker: I didn't know that.

Skitchy: Yeah.

Caretaker: [Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating] Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got.

Paul: Wow.

Caretaker: Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.

Paul: You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.

Caretaker: Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.

Paul: Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.

Skitchy: [overhears] Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.

Roxanne Feder: Excuse me, why are you here? What's the matter?

Frat Boy Milo: [mocking Roxanne; frat boys laugh, speaking in normal accent; all frat boys yell "Yeah!"] I tell you what is the matter. These old townies trashed our frat house! And nobody treats our good-times headquarters with disrespect!

Braden Higgins: They didn't do it. Me do it.

Frat Boy Milo: Don't try and cover for him, Z-Dog!

Lenny Feder: Who's Z-Dog?

Frat Boy Andy: We know they're trying to get back at us for making them do the naked plunge in our swimming hole.

Deanne McKenzie: Your swimming hole? I've been swimming at the quarry since I was eight years old.

Frat Boy Andy: [all frat boys cheer, Andy and Milo do their handshake, but stop in the middle] Apparently, everybody in this crap town has been swimming there since they were eight years old. I guess nobody wants to leave this dump because they're too busy sucking! We'll finish later.

Frat Boy Milo: You promise?

Frat Boy Andy: [touching Milo's cheek] I promise.

Frat Boy Milo: Okay.

Dickey Bailey: [looks at Lenny, who nods of approval, Dickey raises his beer, and takes a drink] Hey, smart guy! Lenny Feder left this town, moved to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably more money than all you brainiacs put together ever will. But guess what? He came back here. Cause this beautiful town is his home. And it always will be his home.

Frat Boy Milo: [frat boys cheer, Milo turns around and bends over, and Andy slaps his butt three times] Well, that was just a moving testament to this community, bro! But we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches. We came here to kick some old, smelly ass!

Lenny Feder: Fellas, we may be old.

Marcus Higgins: We may be smelly.

Deanne McKenzie: [she, Roxanne, and a drunk woman point at Beefcake Kitty] We may have a penis.

Eric Lamonsoff: But the only ones getting their ass kicked around here is gonna be you spoiled, privileged, uppity, preppy D-bags.

Kurt McKenzie: [everyone starts fighting] You hear that? Now let's get BUSY!!

Lenny Feder: Look at this. Beers on ice, hot ladies everywhere, this is how we used to do it.

Frat Guy: This is Kappa Eta Sigma property, so you might wanna quit pervin on our ladies and get back to your trailer homes.

Lenny Feder: Okay, easy there, Abercrombie.

Kurt McKenzie: I haven't been around this many arrogant white college kids since Eminem played Duke.

Other Frat Guy: At least we got into college, skinny Danny Glover.

Lenny Feder: Hey, fellas, that was a good handshake, we've got a good one too, it goes like this.

Kurt McKenzie: How are you doing, sir?

Eric Lamonsoff: Very good, nice to see you.

Rufus: Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?

Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender: Never heard of it.

Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity: Don't...

Azrael: [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads; pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Ahh, anybody? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... Get it?

Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?

Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

Azrael: [referring to Bethany] Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?

Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...

Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!

Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!

Rufus: Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany: [[Holocaust] And its platform of non-involvement during the ]?

Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made.

Cardinal Glick: Who sent you here?

Rufus: [[w:I Am that I Am|I Am] We were sent by Him who is called ]!

Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute.

Rufus: [shrugs; [Moses] Worked for ].

Cardinal Glick: [lights a cigarette] Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook em while they're young.

Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Rufus: So what do we do now?

Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Rufus: Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!

Bethany: [sarcastically joking; Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?

Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with His family.

Bethany: [[w:Mary (mother of Jesus)|mother; [w:Saint Joseph|father] His ] and ]?

Rufus: [[w:Brothers of Jesus|brothers and sisters] His ].

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.

Rufus: [[w:Virgin birth of Jesus|gave birth to Christ] Mary ] without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!

Bethany: Meaning?

Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?

Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.

Bethany: You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus: I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: [walks off] When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Bethany: [[Christ] You knew ]?

Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Jay: You believe this shit?!

Rufus: [[w:Antioch|Antioch] You know, that's a lot like the good people of ] were saying, right before they stoned my ass!

Bethany: You were martyred?

Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!