Jack NicholsonQuotes

Jason Staebler: You notice how it's Monopoly out there? Remember Boardwalk, Park Place, Marvin Gardens?

David Staebler: Go to jail?

Jason Staebler: Well, that's me. Don't pass go, don't collect $200.

Jessica: What's going on?

David Staebler: Your mother's gonna murder one of us. So far the only one she hasn't nominated is you.

David Staebler: [on the radio] I promised that I would tell you... why I never eat fish. When we all moved into my grandfather's house... it somehow fell to me to keep the old man's mind off of things. We would play casino over an old card table. He never let me win. One time he put one of those tiny model trains... into my hamburger. He was a practical joker. I broke my tooth on it. On Friday evenings we had fish at our house. Every Friday. Not on religious grounds, but because... Grandpa was a fish enthusiast. "Keeps ya from going blind," he would say. Even though the bones always got caught in his throat. My brother and I would sit next to one another... waiting for his terrible coughing to begin. Then one of us would be dispatched to the kitchen to get a heel of bread... to clear the bones. He'd gulp it down, and slowly his coughing would diminish. And then everything would be quiet again and we would go on with the meal... as though nothing had happened. One Friday... my parents went out... leaving my brother and I alone to serve ourselves and Grandfather. Mom left the fish warming on the stove. Breaded sole. The bread crumbs only helped to conceal the bones. When the inevitable coughing began... my brother and I just sat... and looked at each other... not moving. Grandfather's eyes got wide. His face became contorted and red... his arms flailing about. I raced to the kitchen and back with a heel of pumpernickel. Grandfather reached out for it convulsively. But... I... handed it to my brother instead. And he... back to me. Grandfatherpitched... Grandfather pitched... face forward onto the dining room table and then... back, knocking his chair over... pulling the tablecloth, silverware... mashed potatoes, fish... stewed tomatoes with peppers and onions... all of it on top of him. Heaped on the floor... behind the table he... Iooked like the remains... of some chaotic dinner party. My brother took the incriminating pumpernickel from my hand and... stuck it... into Grandpa's fingers. I think at that moment, my brother and I became accomplices forever. "Don't ever say a word about this," he said. "Just go to bed and pretend... that you're asleep." The next morning... my parents explained to me that... Grandpa had gone away on business... and had left me a very special kiss good-bye.

David Staebler: Are you out of your mind?

Spot Operator: Sorry, Dave. The guy said it was an emergency.

David Staebler: I don't care what the story is. I'm on the air.

Spot Operator: Anything you say. I'm sorry.

David Staebler: Enough talk. Let's hear our theme all the way through tonight. Until Wednesday, then, this has been Etcetera... and I have been your host, David Staebler.

Tom Logan: Regulator? Ain't that like a dry gulcher?

Lee Clayton: Well, that's not the softest term you could use, I'd say.

Tom Logan: Well, Regulator, correct me now if I'm wrong, isn't a regulator one of these boys that shoots people and don't never get near em?

Lee Clayton: That's it.

Tom Logan: I couldn't get no credit at the whorehouse, so I picked up this chubby little girl off some sodbuster's outfit.

Little Tod: How was she?

Tom Logan: About like a Swiss clock... same exact movement over and over again.

Tom Logan: I understand you had to hang someone here.

David Braxton: I did that.

Tom Logan: Ah, that's tough. What was this, some kind of desperado?

David Braxton: No, he was a thief... with probably a million good reasons for being on hard times. The main thing is that we put him out of his misery.

Jane Braxton: I forgot, you do have your whores, don't you?

Tom Logan: Sure do. Like em, too.

Jane Braxton: Well, I'll tell you something. If you want them more than you want me...

Tom Logan: I keep telling you, I want them a lot. I don't want you at all.

Jane Braxton: Well, why are you being so mean to me?

Tom Logan: People have been neglecting to tell you what a nasty little bitch you are, and I'm just having to make up for their negligence.

Tom Logan: [to Clayton, whispering] You know what woke you up? You just had your throat cut.

Tom Logan: The closer you get to Canada, the more things'll eat your horse.

Tom Logan: The first time I met Sandy, he was rustling on his own. He had a stolen cavalry pony and he kept this dog. As soon as he would kill a steer, why he'd cut the brand off and feed it to the dog. So before they could get enough evidence to convict him, they'd have to lock that dog up and pick through his shit for a week before they could find the brand.

Sheriff Andrew Kyle: Julia, are you drunk?

Julia Tate: Sheriff Kyle, you know I don't drink.

Henry Moon: Course she don't drink!

Henry Moon: Well?! Anybody hungry?

Big Abe: [deadpan] Hungry?! Shit, I could eat a frozen dog.

Henry Moon: Well, we'll go on out to the kitchen and see if we got one already froze.

Deputy Towfield: [of Moon's marriage] It's bad, huh?

Henry Moon: Like eggs rolled in sand.

Henry Moon: Hold on, Towfield, you're wrinklin my good luck ban-dan-na.

Henry Moon: Poultry is just another way of sayin chicken.

Henry Moon: [to a homely woman who's sizing him up for matrimony] I wouldn't take you to a dog-fight if you was the defendin champ!

Henry Moon: I'll never forget you, Hermine. You was the first woman I didn't have to pay for.

Henry Moon: Well, I ain't no slab of meat to be auctioned off, but what the hell? Fine by me.

Louise: I don't think we're gonna have any trouble tonight. You're a real man, a kind man.

Jonathan: I'm not kind.

Louise: I don't mean the weak kind the way so many men are. I mean the kindness that comes from enormous strength, from an inner power so strong that every act, no matter what, is more proof of that power. That's what all women resent. That's why they try to cut ya down, because your knowledge of yourself and them is so right, so true, that it exposes the lies by which they, every scheming one of them, live by. It takes a true woman to understand that the purest form of love is to love a man who denies himself to her - a man who inspires worship, because he has no need for any woman, because he has himself. And who is better, more beautiful, more powerful, more perfect... you're getting hard... more strong, more masculine, extraordinary, more... bust. It's rising, it's rising... more virile, domineering, more irresistible. It's up - in the air...

Bobbie: Marry me, Jonathan! Please, please!

Jonathan: You're trying to kill me.

Jonathan: Do you always answer a question with a question?

Susan: Do you always date your best friend's girlfriend?

Jonathan: Talk about the pot and the kettle. When I caught wind of your checkered past, I felt like a celibate.

Bobbie: You made me tell you.

Jonathan: Sure. I twisted your arm.

Bobbie: It got you hot!

Jonathan: Something has to.

Jonathan: Sandy, do you wanna get laid?

Sandy: Please.

Bobbie: The reason I sleep all day is because I can't stand my life!

Jonathan: What life?

Bobbie: Sleeping all day!

Bobbie: I need a life.

Jonathan: Get a job!

Bobbie: I don't want a job. I want you.

Jonathan: I'm taken, by me. Get out of the house, do something useful, Goddammit.

Sandy: Looks aren't everything, you know.

Jonathan: Believe me, looks are everything.

Jonathan: If you had a choice...

Sandy: Yeah?

Jonathan: Would you rather love a girl, or have her love you?

Sandy: I want it mutual.

Jonathan: I mean if you couldn't have it mutual.

Sandy: You mean would I rather be the one who loves, or is loved?

Jonathan: Yeah.

Sandy: It's not that easy a question. But, I think I'd rather be in love.

Jonathan: Me too.

Jonathan: Alright, where the fuck is my shoehorn? This place is a mess! There's not any food in the house, half the time you look like you fell out of bed! You spend more time in bed than any other human being past the age of 6 months than I ever heard of!

Jonathan: At one time, it was great what we had... the kidding around. It can't have a natural time span. Affairs can't dissolve in a good way. There's always got to be poison. I don't see why, I really don't see why!

Jonathan: Women today are better-hung than the men.

Jonathan: Why don't you leave me?... For God's sake, I'd almost marry you if you'd leave me.

Jonathan: You want a job? I got a job for you. Fix up this pigsty! You get a pretty goddammed good salary for testing out this bed all day! You want an extra fifty dollars a week, try vacuuming! You want an extra hundred, make this goddammed bed! Try opening some goddammed windows! That's why you can't stand up in here, the goddammed place smells like a coffin!

Jonathan: Is this an ultimatum? Answer me, you ball-busting, castrating, son of a cunt bitch! Is this an ultimatum or not?

Buddusky: He don't stand a chance in Portsmouth, you know. You know that, don't you? Goddamn grunts, kickin the shit outta him for eight years... he don't stand a chance.

Mulhall: I don't want to hear about it.

Buddusky: Maggot" this, "maggot" that... Marines are really assholes, you know that? It takes a certain kind of a sadistic temperament to be a Marine.

Meadows: After... after... well maybe it was an act for her. I mean I know she was a whore. But I think she liked me.

Buddusky: They got feelings just like everybody else, kid; she probably did.

Meadows: Well, it was real for me. That's what counts.

Mulhall: You ever been married?

Buddusky: Not so you'd notice.

Young Whore: Jesus Christ! That's what I call quick.

Buddusky: You wanna try it again, kid?

Meadows: Yeah.

Buddusky: [to prostitute] Okay, honey.

Mulhall: Don't worry about it, kid... plenty more where that came from.

Buddusky: We got all night, kid.

Meadows: If you're Catholic, do you think it's, uh, sacrilegious to chant?

Buddusky: Did it get you laid?

Meadows: No.

Buddusky: Then Meadows, what the fuck do you want to go on chanting for?

Mulhall: Chant your ass off, kid. But any pussy you get in this world, you gonna have to pay for, one way or another.

Buddusky: Hallelujah!

Meadows: Drop your socks and grab your cocks, we're going to a party.

Buddusky: If this kid gets pussy out of this, I'll eat my fucking flat hat, man.

Meadows: [looking at porn] Are they really doing that when they take that picture?

Buddusky: [pause] Well kid, there's more things in this life than you can possibly imagine. I knew a whore once in Wilmington. She had a glass eye... used to take it out and wink people off for a dollar.

Buddusky: Now don't worry about a thing. I'm hustling this guy, you understand? I got him right where I want him.

Mulhall: Maybe he's hustling you.

Buddusky: [[w:New York City|New York] Yeah. Maybe he is, but, uh, this is not the time to argue about because if I don't win, we don't leave ], huh?

Meadows: Hey, you guys mind if I say somethin'? That guy at the bar, why did you get so mad at him? I don't blame him not givin me a beer.

Buddusky: Hey, don't you never get mad at nobody?

Meadows: Well, sure I do, yeah.

Mulhall: Who do you get mad at?

Meadows: Not at somebody who's doing their job.

Buddusky: Who, then?

Meadows: Injustice.

Buddusky: Bullshit! You never get mad at nobody. You're just a pussy!

Meadows: I do too get mad.

Mulhall: Did you ever get mad at the old man for what he done to you?

Meadows: Well, he was just...

Buddusky: ...doin his job. Hey, they're gonna take eight years outta your life, man.

Meadows: Six years. You said six!

Buddusky: Hey, what the fuck difference does it make? You don't even care about it.

Mulhall: Come on, Badass, that don't help him.

Buddusky: Fuck help, fuck fair! Fuck injustice! Don't you ever just wanna fuckin whomp and stomp on someone, bite off their ear, just to do it...? I mean just to do it, just to get it out of your system?

Buddusky: I am the motherfucking shore patrol, motherfucker! I am the motherfucking shore patrol! Give this man a beer.

Meadows: I don't want a beer.

Buddusky: You're gonna have a fuckin beer!

Mulhall: We'd better catch that train.

Buddusky: We still got time for a beer.

Mulhall: Now wait a minute, man...

Meadows: I ain't old enough.

Buddusky: Ain't old enough for what?

Meadows: For a beer.

Buddusky: Everybody's old enough for a beer. Ain't that right, Mule?

Mulhall: Yeah.

Billy: I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.

George Hanson: There was no misunderstanding. We're all in the same cage here.

Billy: You must be some important dude. That treatment--

George Hanson: What does he mean "dude"? Dude ranch?

Wyatt: Dude" means a nice guy, you know? "Dude" means a regular sort of person.

George Hanson: [laughs] Well, they are people, just like us - from within our own solar system. Except that their society is more highly evolved. I mean, they don't have no wars, they got no monetary system, they don't have any leaders, because, I mean, each man is a leader. I mean, each man - because of their technology, they are able to feed, clothe, house, and transport themselves equally - and with no effort...Why don't they reveal themselves to us is because if they did it would cause a general panic. Now, I mean, we still have leaders upon whom we rely for the release of this information. These leaders have decided to repress this information because of the tremendous shock that it would cause to our antiquated systems. Now, the result of this has been that the Venutians have contacted people in all walks of life - all walks of life. Yes. It-it-it would be a devastatin blow to our antiquated systems - so now the Venutians are meeting with people in all walks of life - in an advisory capacity. For once man will have a god-like control over his own destiny. He will have a chance to transcend and to evolve with some equality for all.

George Hanson: Oh, yeah, that's right. That's what's it's all about, all right. But talkin about it and bein it, that's two different things. I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, cause then they're gonna get real busy killin and maimin to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare em.

George Hanson: That was a UFO, beamin back at ya. Me and Eric Heisman was down in Mexico two weeks ago - we seen forty of em flying in formation. They-they-they've got bases all over the world now, you know. They've been coming here ever since nineteen forty-six - when the scientists first started bouncin radar beams off of the moon. And they have been livin and workin among us in vast quantities ever since. The government knows all about em.

George Hanson: You- you mean marijuana. Lord have mercy, is that what that is? Well, let me see that. Mmmmm-mmm. Mmmm...I-I-I couldn't do that. I mean, I've got enough problems with the - with the booze and all. I mean, uh, I - I can't afford to get hooked...it-it-it leads to harder stuff.

George Hanson: Madame Tinkertoy's House of Blue Lights. Corner of Bourbon and Toulouse, New Orleans, Louisiana. Now this is supposed to be the finest whorehouse in the South. These ain't no pork chops. These are U.S. Prime.

George Hanson: I must've started off to Mardi Gras six or seven times. Never got further than the state line.

George Hanson: [[D. H. Lawrence] Here's to the first of the day, fellas. To ol ]. Nik-nik-nik-f-f-f-Indians!

George Hanson: [to guard] Very groovy. Very groovy. See there. I bet nobody ever said that to you.

George Hanson: You can get out of here, if you haven't killed anybody - at least nobody white.

George Hanson: [[w:Yul Brynner|Yul Brynner; [w:American Civil Liberties Union|A.C.L.U.] Well, you boys don't look like you're from this part of the country. You're lucky I'm here to see that you don't get into anything...Well, they got this here - see - uh - scissor-happy Beautify America thing goin on around here. They're tryin to make everybody look like ]. They used - uh - rusty razor blades on the last two long-hairs that they brought in here and I wasn't here to protect them. You see - uh - I'm - uh - I'm a lawyer. Done a lot of work for the ]

Francis Phelan: By God, Helen. That's as good as it gets. You were born to be a star.

Francis Phelan: Goddamn dead men, traveling around together.

Warren Schmidt: You're making a big mistake, don't marry this guy, don't do it.

Jeannie Schmidt: What are you talking about?

Warren Schmidt: The other night I had a dream and it was very real. Your mother was there and you were there and your aunt Estelle. And there was a... well, it wasn't really a spaceship, it was more like a blimp or an orb of some kind. And then a bunch of weird creatures came out and started trying to take you away, and you wanna know what? They all looked like Randall. Do you understand? And I was jumping up and down to save you.

Warren Schmidt: Helen, what did you really think of me, deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed and too nice to show it? I forgive you for Ray. I forgive you. That was a long time ago, and I know I wasn't always the king of kings. I let you down. I'm sorry, Helen. Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me?

Warren Schmidt: Well Ndugu, I'll close now. You probably can't wait to run and cash this check and get yourself something to eat.

Warren Schmidt: I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?

Warren Schmidt: Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all.

Louise Bryant: Would you rather I not smoke during rehearsal?

Eugene O'Neill: I'd rather you went up in flames than crush out your cigarette during a monologue about birth.

Eugene O'Neill: You dream that if you discuss the revolution with a man before you go to bed with him, it'll be missionary work rather than sex.

Eugene O'Neill: I'd like to kill you, but I can't. So you can do whatever you want to. Except not see me.

Eugene O'Neill: Jack dreams that he can hustle the American working man, who's one dream is that he could be rich enough not to work, into a revolution led by his party.

Eugene O'Neill: If you were mine, I wouldn't share you with anybody or anything. It'd be just you and me. We'd be the center of it all. I know it would feel a lot more like love than being left alone with your work.

Alexandra Medford: Who are you?

Daryl Van Horne: Just your average, horny little devil.

Daryl Van Horne: I see men running around, trying to put their dicks into everything, trying to make something happen. But it's women who are the source, the only power. Nature. Birth. Rebirth. Cliché. Cliché, sure, but true.

Alexandra Medford: Why are you telling me this?

Daryl Van Horne: [he stands] Because you're an honest woman and I'm being honest with you. I like women. I admire them. But if you want me to treat you like a dumb twit, I will. But what's the point? You have brains, Alex, more than brains. And you don't even know it, do you? Well, most women do not.

Alexandra Medford: Are you married?

Daryl Van Horne: [laughs] Good question! You see? Brains. The answer is no. I don't believe in it. Good for the man. Lousy for the woman. She dies. She suffocates. I've seen it. And then the husband runs around complaining to everyone that he's fucking a dead person. And he's the one who killed her. Where is your husband?

Alexandra Medford: Dead.

Daryl Van Horne: [he lights a cigar; he reclines on the bed] Well, sorry, but you're one of the lucky ones. When a woman unloads a husband, or a husband unloads a woman, however it happens - death, desertion, divorce - the three D's - when that happens, a woman blooms. She blossoms. Like flowers. Like fruit. She is ripe. That's the woman for me. Would you like to see my house?...In case anybody ever needed any exercise, the uh, pool's right over there, past the piano, where the, uh, ballroom used to be. Interesting word - ballroom.'... And, uh, over there is, uh, my study. Ah, this is my bedroom...The Borgias once owned the bed. Of course, you have to pay for it with your soul, but, uh, what the hell, I deserve a little luxury. You have to take care of yourself. No one's gonna do that for you, are they, hmm?

Alexandra Medford: What is it that you think you're doing?

Daryl Van Horne: Being as direct with you as I know how. I thought you might appreciate it. And, uhm, anyway, I always like a little pussy after lunch. Whaddya say?

Alexandra Medford: Are you trying to seduce me?

Daryl Van Horne: I wouldn't dream of seducing you, Alexandra. I wouldn't insult your intelligence with anything as trivial as seduction. But, uh, I would love to fuck you.

Alexandra Medford: Well, you know, I have to admit that I appreciate your directness, Daryl. And I will try and be as direct and honest with you as I possibly can be. Uh, I think - no, I-I am positive that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together, you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded. You're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid. You have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You're, you're not even interesting enough to make me sick.

Daryl Van Horne: Uhm, would you like to be on the top or the bottom?

Alexandra Medford: Good-bye Daryl, and thank you for a lovely lunch.

Daryl Van Horne: Of course, I wouldn't know a snowy egret if I were pissing on one. Lunch?

Alexandra Medford: I think it's a little late in the season.

Daryl Van Horne: For lunch?

Alexandra Medford: No, pissing on birds.

Daryl Van Horne: [Last lines; Daryl appears on the multiple video monitor screens; sounds of babies overlapping; laughs, his face then reacts in dismay as the scene cuts to the three witches approaching, with Sukie holding the montitors' remote control; Sukie presses the "off" button, turning off the screen and ending the film] Take it easy. We don't want the whole household in here, do we, boys? That's it. Good boys, we're gonna do just fine. Now come on, come on to daddy and gimme a big kiss. Come on, good boys, come on. Come on, come to daddy, cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo. That's it, come on, come on. come on. Aw ladies, come on.

Daryl Van Horne: [he vomits; he pukes again; laughs; more chuckling] Sorry, uh, just having a little trouble, a little trouble at home. A little domestic problem. Nothing to be alarmed at. Just a little female problem. Hi. Don't pay any attention. It's a cheap trick. Anybody can do it. I taught it to them myself. Ungrateful little bitches, aren't they? May I ask you something? You're all church-going folk. I really want to ask you something. Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No shit! I really want to know. Or do you think it was just another one of his minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, floods! Do you think women are like that? What's the matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We all make mistakes! Of course, when we make mistakes, they call it evil! When God makes mistakes, they call it nature. So whaddya think? Women. A mistake?! Or did He DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE!? Because I really want to know! Because if it's a mistake, maybe we can do somethin about it! Find a cure! Invent a vaccine! Build up our immune systems! Get a little exercise! You know, twenty push-ups a day, and you never have to be afflicted with women EVER AGAIN!

Daryl Van Horne: Men are such cocksuckers aren't they? You don't have to answer that. It's true. They're scared. Their dicks get limp when confronted by a woman of obvious power and what do they do about it? Call them witches, burn them, torture them, until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herself... afraid of men... and all for what? Fear of losing their hard-on.

Daryl Van Horne: I see men, sixty, seventy years old breaking their balls to stay fit! What for? When I die, I want to be sick, not healthy.

Garrett Breedlove: [Lying in the surf after being thrown from the car] If you wanted to get me on my back, all you had to do was ask me.

Alex: Get her to go easy on the codeine, will ya? Makes her mean.

Jason: Well, maybe if you got home on time once in a while, she could skip the chemical help.

Victor: This is not an ocean front suite, in Marbella. Did you notice that?

Victor: There's no

Victor: There are no flowers or champagne from the management. I don't, I don't see a Swiss chocolate on my pillow.

Victor: My masseuse is not at the door.

Victor: And I am, fucking dying, Alex!

Alex: Take it easy, Vic.

Alex: Frank ever come on to you?

Gabby: He have a beautiful wife.

Alex: Oh. She ever come on to you?

Estelle Craven: [Estelle, Dr. Craven, Dr. Bedlo and Rexford are all bound to columns in the dungeon] Can't you get your hands free father?

Dr. Craven: I'm afraid not, my dear. What with Dr. Scarabus having turned me into a statue and then binding me like this.

Dr. Bedlo: I know, I-I know, I'm a disgrace.

Rexford Bedlo: I had a somewhat stronger word in mind.

Dr. Bedlo: But son, you know that-that everything I tried in life I was a failure. Only-only the day I joined the Brotherhood of Magicians. Oh I-I was the happiest man on earth. I still remember how happy I was. And then when-when Dr. Scarabus offered to teach me superior magical knowledge for luring Dr. Craven here, I just couldn't resist that magnificent award. But Erasamus, believe me with all my heart I regret what I have done to you.

Dr. Craven: You are not alone in guilt, sir. I, too, have failed at the task of living.

Dr. Bedlo: Oh, no.

Dr. Craven: Oh yes, yes. Instead of facing life I turned my back on it. I know now why my father resisted Dr. Scarabus. Because he knew that one cannot fight evil by hiding from it. Men like Scarabus thrive on the apathy of others. He thrived on mine and that offends me. By avoiding contact with the brotherhood I've given him freedom to commit his atrocities, unopposed.

Dr. Bedlo: You sure have!

Dr. Craven: I'm sorry.

Rexford Bedlo: Shhhhhh.

Rexford Bedlo: I was afraid you would scream.

Estelle Craven: Is anything wrong?

Rexford Bedlo: Don't be alarmed but I'm afraid Dr. Scarabus killed my father.

Estelle Craven: Killed him?

Rexford Bedlo: Yes, during the dueling I observed Dr. Scarabus making furtive gestures with his fingers. Now we must speak to your father.

Estelle Craven: But I already have. He trusts Dr. Scarabus.

Rexford Bedlo: We'll have to try.

Rexford Bedlo: It's locked!

Estelle Craven: What'll we do?

Estelle Craven: What are you doing?

Rexford Bedlo: This ledge leads to your father's room.

Estelle Craven: But you might be killed!

Rexford Bedlo: I hope not!

Rexford Bedlo: I am Dr. Bedlo's son!

Dr. Bedlo: I am sorry...

Melvin Udall: [Walks up to the couple he harassed earlier; Couple look at Melvin quizzically] How much more you got to eat? Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?

Woman at table: I said, "You love me the way you do your remote control as long as I switch every time you press one of my buttons.

Man at table: That's great! That's terrific--

Melvin Udall: [after the couple look at Melvin] People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch. Eat up!

Melvin Udall: Oh, now I'm pissed! Now, I am REALLY PISSED!

Melvin Udall: OH! Don't touch! Don't touch!

Frank Sachs: Shh! Shh!

Melvin Udall: Don't touch!

Frank Sachs: Shut up! You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but you don't intimidate me. I grew up in hell, home boy! My grandmother had more attitude!

Melvin Udall: [calling] POLICE! DONUT-MUNCHING MORONS! HELP ME! HELP ME...!

Frank Sachs: Shh!

Melvin Udall: HELP ME!

Frank Sachs: [to Melvin Udall] Stop it! Shh!

Melvin Udall: [to Frank Sachs] Assault and battery! And you're black!

Frank Sachs: [suddenly loud; lowers his voice; running off] I like Simon! I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him, or so much as touch that dog again! Meantime, I'm gonna think of some way that you can make it up to him. I HATE DOING THIS! I'M an art dealer...! Have a nice day. Okay! Party! Party!

Simon Bishop: Have you seen Verdell?

Melvin Udall: What does he look like?

Simon Bishop: My dog. You know, my dog with the adorable face? Don't you know what my dog looks like?

Melvin Udall: Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog. I thought it was the name of that colored man I've been seeing in the halls.

Simon Bishop: Which color was that?

Melvin Udall: Uh . . . like thick molasses, with a broad nose. Perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.

Melvin Udall: [to the bartender] The next thing I know, she's sitting right there next to me. Well, it's not right to go into details. I got nervous. I screwed up. I said the wrong thing. Where if I hadn't, I... I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead, I'm here with you. No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.

Melvin Udall: [introducing Carol Connelly and Simon Bishop to each other] Carol, the waitress, Simon, the fag.

Melvin Udall: [about Carol Connelly's promise to never sleep with him] Never," she says. "Never," she says.

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Nelly, you're a disgrace to depression.

Melvin Udall: [to Brian] I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem. Go get Carol. Get her here. I'm not a - a prick. You are. I'm not judging. I'm a great customer. This day has been a disaster. I'm not sure if I can handle this, too.

Melvin Udall: [to patients in Dr. Green's waiting room] What if this is as good as it gets?

Melvin Udall: Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.

Melvin Udall: [to Verdell, affectionately] Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!

Melvin Udall: [to Verdell; Verdell is avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, just like Melvin does. Melvin slows and observes the dog mirroring his behavior. Verdell carefully places his paws again to avoid a crack in the sidewalk.; to Verdell; He laughs out loud.; He puts on plastic gloves.; He lifts Verdell to eye level.] I think it's a beautiful day for our walk today. Very nice. What? Huh? Hey! Hey! Look at that! Look at him! I've gotta give you something. I gotta give you something real good, too. Now, I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy. Don't be like me, don't you be like me. You stay just the way you are cause you are a perfect man, and I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat.

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Well, I work all the time. So never, NEVER interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later, there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint - even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States, and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

Melvin Udall: [trying to write; Simon Bishop knocks on his door] Love was..." Son of a BITCH! Pansy-ass stool pusher!

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

Melvin Udall: [to Verdell, as he throws him down the garbage chute] This is New York. If you make it here, you can make it anywhere.

Charley Partanna: [On the telephone] Pop? Charley. I'm in L.A., and that ain't all. I'm gonna get married.

Angelo Pop Partanna: Ah, the same woman, the contractor?

Charley Partanna: Yeah. She's Polish, but the family will get used to that gradually.

Angelo Pop Partanna: Yeah, every time she walks in a room, all the rest of the women in the family are gonna have to shut up. But I know how you feel about it, Charley. I won't try to stop nature. Good luck, son.

Charley Partanna: Thanks, pop.

Angelo Pop Partanna: Say listen, the Don wants you here for a big meeting tomorrow night.

Charley Partanna: Jesus, Pop, what about my honeymoon?

Angelo Pop Partanna: Well, you'll have it in Brooklyn!

Charley Partanna: Aw, shit.

Don Corrado Prizzi: Charley, you swore an oath of blood, my blood and yours, that you would always put the family before anything else in your life. We are calling on you to keep that sacred oath.

Charley Partanna: Irene is my family. She's my wife.

Angelo Pop Partanna: Charley, she is a woman you have known only for a few weeks. She is your wife. We are your life.