Jason LeeQuotes

Skip Skipperton: You've fallen in love with one of your patients? — Doc! It's not me is it?

Dr. Mumford: What? No, Skip. It's not you, but I like you a lot.

Skip Skipperton: Are you telling me that your last job before becoming a psychologist was an investigator for the IRS?

Dr. Mumford: Everybody has a story, Skip.

Skip Skipperton: Seems like you got the variety pack.

Skip Skipperton: Do you know how I spend my every single solitary moment?

Dr. Mumford: Jerking off?

Skip Skipperton: No! That's a good guess though.

Nessa: This shrink school you went to, did you hear about it in an infomercial?

Lilly: I watched 20/20, it was shocking! Did you know the government is wasteful?

Martin Brocket: Have you come across a bigger shithead than my stepfather?

Althea Brockett: Why do I feel so elated? Am I in denial? You know what this feels like? I know my time's up, but I've got to get this out while I've got a hold of it! ... When I was in high school the thing I wanted most when I was stuck in class, the thing that I was desperately in pursuit of, was a hall pass. That's all I ever wanted. I loved moving freely around the school while everybody else was trapped in there. That's how I feel right now. Like I have some giant all day hall pass.

Skip Skipperton: [to Lilly] I may be young, but Doc can tell you — I'm very immature.

Dr. Ernest Delbanco: [[William James] No one can escape the fear of death. It is, as ] put it, "the worm at the core," and try as we may to forget or ignore our own mortality, the skull will grin in at the banquet.

Puggy: Aluminum, huh?

Leo: We sponsor girl's softball team.

John: You can stay.

Puggy: [about the muggers] They took all my money.

John: It's okay. Free beer.

Puggy: [Opening the movie; eats a Frito; picks up another; eats it] God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you." In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami. You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Please don't go.

Jay: God damn, this is one wacky game show.

Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!

Shannon: [as he is being arrested] Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!

Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.

Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?

Gill: I don't hate gay people!

Brodie: So you love them?

Gill: Yes! I mean, no.

Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?

Gill Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance til the sun came up.

Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?

Brodie: [points to Rene and smirks] Already did once today. But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Brodie: Really? Why?

Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and fuckin’ bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you wanna destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!

Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay: He's fucking dead!

Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

T.S.: What the hell happened?

Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie: I had it coming.

Jay: Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.

T.S.: What really happened?

Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.

Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?

T.S.: You know that guy?

Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those loser fucking mallrat kids. You don't come down here to do work or shop. You hang out all day. You act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?

Shannon: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're more vulnerable and in much more need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.

Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Shannon: No. Like someplace girls dread.

Brodie: [regarding Svenning] After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

T.S.: How do you propose I do that?

Brodie: You stinkpalm him.

T.S.: What's a stinkpalm?

Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

T.S.: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie: Yeah I probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?

T.S.: What's the point?

Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

T.S.: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.

Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

T.S.: But they're engaged.

Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.

T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

T.S.: Sure, why not?

Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.

T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.

T.S.: Of course it is.

Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.

T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, the eatery's a part of the food court.

Brodie: [notices Rene at the clothing store] Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- Holy shit!

T.S.: What's he doing?

Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.

Jay: Knock it off.

Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.

Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.

Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.

Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about her video setup.

Brodie: Why him?

Jay: [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Motherfucker's like McGyver--no, motherfucker's better than McGyver! Knock it off!

Brodie: Look, if I have any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.

T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.

Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

T.S.: What is your problem? I don't understand.

T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't even know it was you.--

Gwen: You fucker!

Brodie: [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] See, that's what you get for fucking with me. Sorry , Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.

Gwen: [she also kicks T.S.] He's got a funny way of showin’ it by elbowing me in my freakin’ tit. Why the hell are you glowing?

Brodie: I'm not glowing. All right!

Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?

Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, 69.

Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Shannon: What? You wanna say something?

Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand them all.

Stan: Doctor Doom wears body armor to conceal his own mangled form, right?

Brodie: Yeah.

Stan: Okay. That was me beneath the armor. The Hulk! A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next, just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.

Brodie: So you created each character as a way to deal with your one big regret.

Stan: Yeah. The girl that got away. Look, do yourself a favor Brodie -- don't wait. Because all the money, all the women, even all the comic books in the world, they can't substitute for that one person.

Brodie: I don't know, all the comics in the world?

Stan: Trust me, True Believer.

Stan Lee: There was a time when it was all about comics for me, you know? I-- I had a girl, probably the same as yours. She always complained that I spent too much time with my own comics and, er, eventually we broke up.

Brodie: See, what did she know? Here you are now, a legend in the field, probably had a slew of woman since her! Am I right?

Stan: [[Mick Jagger|Jagger] Oh, lots of women. ] and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. As a matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.

Brodie: Damn, that's hot!

Stan: But I never forgot that girl.

Brodie: What the hell gives at the cover boy?

Rene: [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] None of your damn business, but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.

Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?

Rene: Brodie, start the elevator.

Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?

Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.

Brodie: Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!

Rene: I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!

Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!

Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!

Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--

Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over to my house and left it there.

Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.

Rene: For what?

Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--

Rene: Brodie, Brodie--

Brodie: --or a boat show--

Rene: [Grabs Brodie by the ear] Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral when you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.

Banky Edwards: Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories.

Banky Edwards: [[Outbreak] I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in ]!

Banky Edwards: I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy!

Banky Edwards: What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?

Banky Edwards: Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee!

Banky Edwards: [''to Alyssa''] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?

Banky Edwards: I feel a hate crime coming on.

Banky Edwards: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.

Banky Edwards: This is all going to end badly.

Alvin and Simon: [answer the phone] Hello?

Dave: Boys, it's me.

Simon: DAVE!

Alvin: [The nurse is holding Dave's phone for him to talk into in his hospital room in Paris] Dave as in, "Dave"?

Dave: [smiles] Well, I guess since you answered the phone, you haven't burned down the house yet.

Alvin: Have a little faith, Dave!

Theodore: [falls off the pot rack; lands on a pan with too much force, which crashes to the floor] Yeah! Mayday!

Dave: [his smile fades] What was that?

Simon: [whispers to Alvin] Don't stress him out.

Alvin: [chuckles] Uh... that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah. She's making us a zesty five-course meal.

Dave: Really? Well, can I talk to her?

Theodore: [Alvin and Simon look at each other, incredulous, and Theodore just shrugs, not knowing what he said.] She's practicing her pole dancing.

Dave: Pole dancing? What happened to making dinner? Guys, what's going on?

Alvin: Gotta go, Dave!

Dave: Alvin, I'm not kidding.

Alvin: Feel better!

Dave: ALVI—

Alvin: [hangs up, cutting Dave off] Yep, nobody does that better than him.

Theodore: Dave!

Alvin: Dave!

Simon: Dave, you're alive!

Dave: Hey, guys!

Alvin: It was an accident, I swear!

Theodore: Are you okay?

Alvin: I'm really sorry, Dave.

Dave: I'll be fine. I'm just going to be stuck here for a while. And until I get out, I've made arrangements for my Aunt Jackie to come stay with you.

Alvin: Who's Aunt Jackie?

Theodore: The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.

Alvin: Oh, Popcorn Jackie.

Brian Shelby: My own death was in front of me, and you know what happened? Your life flashed before my eyes.

Brian Shelby: You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy who goes home alone.

Brian Shelby: You can do whatever you want with your life, but one day you'll know what love truly is. It's the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.

Ian: [In his car, believing he still has the Chipmunks] Hey, if you guys behave, maybe I'll let you call me "Uncle Ian" again. Deal?

Alvin doll: Hola, me llamo Alvin, y yo quiero una Hula-Hoop. (Translation: Hi, I'm Alvin, and I want a hula-hoop.)

Ian: [looks to the carrier, realizes the Chipmunks are gone] ¡Madre de Dios! (Translation: Mother of God.) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Dave: Claire.

Claire: Hey.

Dave: Come on in!

Alvin: [leaning on a bottle of champagne, wearing his "A" cap] Well, hel-lo, Clarina!

Claire: [to the chipmunks] Hi, guys.

Dave: I hope you like toaster waffles.

Alvin: And, for US classy chipmunks, a BIT of the bubbly.

Claire: [surprised] Oohhh!

Alvin: [while struggling to uncork a bottle; the cork comes loose and goes flying...; ...then the cork smashes into the glass on a China cabinet; giggles nervously] Stupid...cork...DOESN'T-- Whoa! Yikes! Oops.

Dave: [after a short pause, calmly] Not gonna say it.

Alvin: Uh-oh!

Simon: Good grief.

Claire: Are you still not gonna say it?

Dave: [smiles] Nope!

Dave: [shocked, before the scene fades to black] I'm gonna say it. ALVIN!!!!!!

Alvin: [last line, offscreen] OKAY!

Russell Hammond: [as their plane is struggling to stay in the air] If something should happen. maybe I never said this enough, I love all of you.

Dennis Hope: I once hit a man in Dearborn, Michigan. A hit and run. I hit him and just kept on going. I don't know if he's alive or dead; but, I'm sorry. Not a day goes by I don't see his face.

Leslie: Oh my God!

Dick Roswell: Look, I love you all too. You're like a family to me. Especially since Marna left me. And listen, fellas, I just want you to know, if I took an extra dollar or two here and there, it's because I knew I'd earned it.

Russell Hammond: Yeah. I slept with Marna, Dick.

Jeff Bebe: I did too.

Larry Fellows: I waited until you broke up with her, Dick. But me too.

Jeff Bebe: [to Russell] I also slept with Leslie, when you were fighting.

Russell Hammond: [to Leslie] You slept with Jeff?

Leslie: Yeah, but it didn't count. It was the summer we decided to be free of all rules!

Russell Hammond: [to Jeff] And you say you love me!

Jeff Bebe: I don't love you, man. I never did. None of us love you. You act above us. You always have.

Larry Fellows: Finally, the truth.

Jeff Bebe: You just held it over us, like you might leave. Like we're lucky to be with you. And we had to live with it, man. I had to live with you, and now I might die with you, and it's not fucking fair!

Russell Hammond: Please, enough!

Jeff Bebe: And I'm still in love with you, Leslie.

Leslie: Oh, I don't wanna hear any more. Shut up, Jeffrey!

Dick Roswell: Jeffrey, It's all happening.

Russell Hammond: What the fuck! Whatever happens, Bebe, you're dead.

Jeff Bebe: Don't be self-righteous, Russell. Not now, man. You were sleeping with Penny, that fucking groupie, last summer up until yesterday. Why don't you tell Leslie that?

Russell Hammond: Shut up!

Dennis Hope: I quit!

Russell Hammond: I'm gonna kill you!

Dennis Hope: I quit!

William Miller: That groupie"? She was a Band-Aid! All she did was love your band. And you used her, all of you! You used her and threw her away! She almost died last night while you were with Bob Dylan. You guys, you're always talking about the fans, the fans, the fans; she was your biggest fan, and you threw her away! And if you can't see that, that's your biggest problem. And I love her! I love her!

Jeff Bebe: Some people have a hard time explaining rock n roll. I don't think anyone can really explain rock n roll. Maybe Pete Townshend, but, that's okay. Rock n roll is a lifestyle and a way of thinking and it's not about money and popularity. Although, some money would be nice. But it's a voice that says, "Here I am - and fuck you if you can't understand me." And one of these people is gonna save the world. And that means that rock n roll can save the world - all of us together. And the chicks are great. But, what it all comes down to is that thing. The indefinable thing when people catch something from your music. What I'm talking about is - hey, what am I talking about?

William Miller: The buzz.

Jeff Bebe: The buzz. And the chicks! And whatever is an offshoot of the buzz. Like, you say you like, "Fever Dog." That is the fucking buzz!

Jeff Bebe: Show me any guy who ever said he didn't want to be popular, and I'll show you a scared guy. I've studied the entire history of music. Most of the time, the best stuff is the popular stuff. It's much safer to say popularity sucks, because that allows you to forgive yourself if you suck. And I don't forgive myself. Do you?

Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, that's full. We're gonna have to gate-check those.

Dave: Are you gonna charge me 25 bucks a bag?

Flight Attendant: Of course not, sir. It's $25 for the first bag, and $40 for each additional bag.

Jeanette: [shivering in her seat] I'm a little chilly, would you mind adjusting the vent?

Simon: But of course.

Brittany: Oh, you wrinkled my business magazine!

Simon: Heh, sorry.

Brittany: [pushes book aside revealing a magazine with herself on the cover] Guess I'll have to read this. She's pretty. Oh wait, that's me!

Dave: All right, head count.

Theodore: [appears wearing a monster costume made out of a bag; roars until Dave removes the bag] BOO! You like my Jungle Monster costume? Eleanor made it for me.

Eleanor: Yeah! Out of a barf bag!

Dave: [tosses bag aside and does a head count] Yeah, nice. Where's Alvin?

Alvin: [over intercom] Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking: we're cleared for an on-time departure for Timbuktu. If Timbuktu is not for you, please alert the flight attendant by pressing your call button. (The passengers do so.)

Dave: Alvin...

Alvin: [frantically] Thank you for choosing Air Alvin, and uh... enjoy your flight!

Flight Attendant: Sir, please return to your seat, we're about to take off. (Alvin jumps off the food cart, accidentally pressing the release lever.)

Flight Attendant: Sit, now!

Alvin: Uh-oh.

Dave: But he--

Flight Attendant: Sit! (The cart rolls down the aisle.)

Dave: [the cart crashes into Dave] No, no, no! ALVIN!! (Alvin smiles nervously and the plane takes off, ending the film.)

Ian: It's good to be back, huh?

Dave: Sure is.

Ian: Sold Zoe's story to Hollywood. Huge bidding war. Keira Knightley is interested. I'm thinking 50 Cent for me.

Brittany: Now we'll never get to perform at the International Music Awards.

Eleanor: [makes an 'L' with her fingers, putting it on top of her head, Brittany does the same] I guess now we're the losers.

Zoe: [turns to Jeanette; sighs; holds up Dunlop] Jeanette... I don't know what to say. I guess I was just so obsessed with finding that treasure that I kind of... I lost it. And I'm...I'm really sorry. We both are.

Jeanette: [looks at Zoe and smiles awkwardly; grabs the gold bracelet on her head that Simon (as Simone) gave her and holds it out to her] Oh, well, apology accepted. Here... I want you to have this.

Zoe: [gasps; chuckles and grabs the gold bracelet and puts it on Dunlop's "head"; smiles at Jeanette] Really? Look, Dunlop, this is a new beginning for both of us.

Jeanette: [shocked but smiles awkwardly at Zoe again; not wanting to seem mean. Simon jumps off and walks up to her. Jeanette smiles nervously at him.; chuckles nervously] I hope you don't mind. Simone... gave it to me.

Simon: [barely able to make eye contact with her] Oh, n-no, I don't mind. Y-You know, Jeanette, even the most perfect gem cannot compare to your... beauty.

Alvin: Um, Dave?

Dave: Yes, Alvin?

Alvin: [coughs; chuckles] I just wanted to say, now that we're not all...you know... dead Sorry.... Sorry. Hm? Heh, Sorry I was acting like a child on the ship. And kind of maybe ruined our family vacation.

Dave: Sometimes a racehorse needs a little room to run.

Alvin: [gives Dave a fist bump] Yes. Yeah. I like where your head's at. That is very wise, David.

Ian: [holds out fist for a fist bump also but no one gives him one] Sup? What, no love for Uncle Ian?

Brittany and Eleanor: You put us in cages!

Ian: Seriously? Are we still talking about that?! New subject: I saved Dave's life!

Theodore: [looks at Ian through the spyglass] Okay, but I'll be watching you, mister!

Dave: [looks up at the sky, then back at Alvin] Alvin, you still have that pocketknife I gave you?

Alvin: [chuckles; pulls it out of his jacket] Knife? Oh, right! Sorry, I meant to give it back.

Dave: I want you to keep it.

Alvin: Really?

Dave: [points to the sky] Maybe you can use it to signal that helicopter.

Ian: [jumps up] What? Hey!

Eleanor: Hey!

Brittany: We're down here!

Dave: Hello!

Ian: It's me, Ian Hawke! Jett Records!

Ian: Guys, circle around!

Rescue crew guy in the Helicopter: Everything's okay! We got you, guys!

Alvin: Zoe!

Zoe: [holds the rope that's holding Jeanette] No, no. Not another step! Don't come any closer!

Dave: Are you all right, Jeanette?

Jeanette: [spits out all the treasure from her mouth] I'm pretty freaked out, and those earrings tasted awful! Blegh!

Alvin: Zoe, you don't have to do this!

Zoe: Oh, I don't? I spent ten years looking for this treasure. It's the whole reason why I came to this stinking island!

Alvin: You mean... you mean you didn't crash-land?

Zoe: [pulls out map] They said that I was crazy and they said that this map was a fake! And now the treasure…is MINE!

Alvin: RUN!

Dave: Jeanette, come on! Come on! Run!

Zoe: No, you don't!

Alvin: [looks back] Jeanette!

Jeanette: [panicking] Oh, no, help!

Zoe: [pulling the rope to drag Jeanette to her] You're going back in that cave, and you are going to get me more treasure!

Simon: JEANETTE!

Jeanette: Simone!

Simon: [adjusting his glasses] It's Simon!

Dave: ALVIIIIIN!

Alvin: [turns to look at Dave, who throws him the aforementioned pocketknife. He jumps after it, catches it with one paw, flips it open and cuts the rope, causing Zoe to fall on her back.] Hurry!

Dave: Come on, guys, go! Go, go! Come on, come on.

Alvin: Dave. I'm coming with you.

Dave: [looks at Alvin] Absolutely not, it's too dangerous.

Alvin: Remember I said someday I may need to disobey you? Sorry, Dave, but I gotta disobey you.

Dave: [resignedly] Let's go.

Zoe: [puts her close to the hole so she can fit in] You're not coming up until you have every last bit of that treasure!

Jeanette: [stammering] B-B-But the volcano's about to explode!

Zoe: Well, then I guess you better hurry, huh?

Dave: Let go!

Simone: [falls dramatically] I've been hit!

Theodore: [tugs the necklace with his paws.] By Dave's necklace?

Simone: [plays dead] Tell Jeanette I will watch over her... with angel wings.

Theodore: [picks up the candy necklace. Dave rolls onto his belly, and the two of them make eye contact; their mouths gradually curl into smiles] Dave?

Dave: [picks up Theodore, overjoyed; Theodore hugs his shoulder] Ha-ha, Theodore!

Simone: [climbs a tree] Dave? Ha ha! Told you we'd find him!

Dave: Simon!

Simone: [leans on the tree's branch] It is Simone, but I am often confused for this Simon fellow. Perhaps we look alike?

Dave: [confused] Simone?

Theodore: [sees Ian comes out of the bush] Ian!

Ian: Hey, you found the chubby one.

Dave: Don't worry, Theodore. Nothing's gonna happen to you. Is it?

Theodore: [whimpers] What was that?!

Ian: Uh, that's an active volcano.

Alvin: Okay, Brittany and I will build the deck. Eleanor, you need to start braiding ropes. Jeanette, find as many coconuts and mangoes as you can. Who knows how long we'll be out there.

Dave: [walks up behind them] What can I do to help?

The Chipettes: Dave!

The Chipettes: You found us! Yay!

Brittany: We missed you so much!

Jeanette: I knew you would find us!

Dave: Eleanor! What happened?

Eleanor: Oh, nothing... just a little... zip-line accident.

Dave: A what?!

Eleanor: [picks up the crutch, smiling at Dave awkwardly] I'm fine. It only hurts when I try to explain it.

Dave: [looks up to see Alvin, who, not looking too happy, can barely look at him. He drops Brittany and Jeanette down carefully and walks over to the barrel that Alvin is standing on.] Okay, you know what? Never mind. The important thing is you guys are safe. Alvin? Everything's gonna be okay. Hey, what is it?

Alvin: [on the verge of tears] I thought you'd never find us... that you weren't even looking...

Dave: [confused] Why wouldn't I look for you?

Alvin: Because I'm such a pain in the...

Dave: [interrupting him, reassuringly] Alvin.

Alvin: I know, you don't think I'm a pain.

Dave: No, you're a pain. But I'd come, no matter what.

The Chipettes: *sigh with happiness*

Simone: Arc de Triomphe, mayonnaise, Napoleon...

Ian: Ugh. I get it, Frenchie; you come from a rich history. Well, guess what? We're ALL gonna be history if we don't get out of here.

The Chipettes: [terrified] Uncle Ian?!

Alvin: What's he doing here?

Dave: It's kind of a long story.

Theodore: Don't worry, he's cool.

Simone: Yes, for a pelican man.

Alvin: Oh yeah, nothing cooler than a grown man in a pelican suit.

Alvin: So, Dave, how are we gonna get out of here?

Dave: I don't know, Alvin, I think you've got this under control.

Alvin: [smiles] Theodore, you and Eleanor are on rope duty. Dave and Ian, we need oars. Simone, you and Jeanette are in charge of food. And, Zoe...

Zoe: [walks away] No, I know, I know. I'm gonna go and I'm gonna pack up my balls!

Dave: Who's that?

Alvin: Another long story.

Dave: You're all lucky Captain Correlli has allowed you one more activity.

Alvin: Is it hang gliding, wakeboarding or bungee jumping?

Dave: [shows them a section of the deck marked with a shuffleboard playing surface] Nope. Shuffleboard.

Chipmunks/Chipettes: AWW!

Alvin: Man!

Simon: By my calculations, it appears to be 10% shuffle, 90% board.

Jeanette: [giggles] That's funny.

Simon: Oh, uh, Th-th-thanks. You really think so?

Alvin: You know, Dave, I think I'd prefer the plank.

Dave: [sits on a lounge chair and pulls out a magazine.] Sorry, Alvin, but this is what you get to do. And I get to do something I haven't done in a loooong time: absolutely nothing.

Alvin: [commentating] Brittany approaches her puck, adjusts her stance... looks over at me, quite annoyed, wonders to herself if I'm ever going to shut my mouth... Realizes I'm not and makes her move...

Alvin: [cackles] And... OH! Oh, it's short! A costly error, ladies and gentlemen! That's going to haunt her for the rest of her career!

Brittany: [laughs mockingly] You can make all the jokes you want, Alvin, but not even you can make this interesting.

Simon: Alvin! Alvin!

Dave: Simon?

Simon: [looks at Dave] I wasn't betting. Honest.

Guy in Suit: Your winnings, sir.

Better: Oh, busted!

Simon: I didn't sneak out. I mean, I did, but only to stop Alvin.

Dave: Right.

Ian: There they are, Captain.

Dave: Captain.

Alvin: Oh, what's he going to do? Make us walk the plank?

Theodore: [gasps] There's a plank?

Dave: No, there's no plank. But if you guys disobey me one more time, you will be off the ship. And you'll miss the International Music Awards. Do you understand?

Eleanor: Yes, Dave.

Jeanette: Uh-huh.

Brittany: Absolutely.

Alvin: What if we need to disobey you?

Dave: And why would you need to do that?

Alvin: Well, let's say that you tell me to stay put. "Alvin, if you move from that chair, you're grounded!" But then, I happen to see pirates climbing up ropes, ever so stealthy, from the side of the ship. Now, it would be easy for me to take my trusty old Swiss Army knife and cut the ropes. But I have to stay put. Or do I?

Dave: Yes, Alvin, you do. And what are you doing with a pocket knife?

Alvin: What pocket knife are you referring to?

Dave: Come on, give it to me. You could cut yourself.

Alvin: [hands it over] So, I could have saved the whole ship from robbage and pilgering and you'd still ground me?

Simon: [puts his paw on Alvin's shoulder.] Alvin, there's no such word as robbage. And it's pillaging. But he does have a point, Dave. There's got to be times when you trust us to take matters into your own hands.

Dave: [sighs] I trusted you tonight and look where that got me!

Alvin: That's probably just the hot gravy talking.

Dave: Captain, I'm really sorry about what happened. Alvin, he's a kid. He's just trying to have some fun.

Captain Correlli: There's nothing wrong with fun. Our pelican makes sure that everybody on the ship has fun. In fact, in port, he circles the ship on a hang glider. It's really quite amusing. However, my number one priority is the passengers safety, so I simply cannot have Alvin put himself, or anyone else, at risk again.

Dave: Believe me, I understand.

Captain Correlli: If Alvin breaks any more of our rules, there will be consequences.

Dave: The last thing we want is anybody getting hurt.

Pelican Mascot: [bumps into a waiter, causing him to spill steaming hot gravy on Dave's lap.] Excuse me.

Dave: [gasps] Hot!

Waiter: Sorry.

Dave: [heads outside and wipes himself off] Hot! Unbelievable. Gravy pants.

Dave: [screams as the crowd covers their ears] ALVIN!!!

Dave: We talked about setting rules, Alvin.

Alvin: I'm sorry. I didn't know the agreement meant no fun!

Dave: You're allowed to have fun. When are you going to stop acting like a child?

Alvin: When are YOU going to stop treating me like a child?

Dave: I'll stop treating you like a child when you start acting like a grown-up.

Alvin: I'll start acting like a grown-up when you start--

Dave: Hey, girls, not now, please. Okay?

Chipettes: Aww.

Alvin: Lame.

Simon: Sorry, Dave.

Dave: I need to get ready for dinner with the captain.

Brittany: [gasps] We're having dinner with the captain?

Dave: No, I am. You're staying here. I have to go apologize for everything Alvin did.

Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!

Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.

Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!

Azrael: [furious; calms himself] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender: Never heard of it.

Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity: Don't...

Azrael: [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads; pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Ahh, anybody? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... Get it?

Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?

Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

Azrael: [referring to Bethany] Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?

Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...

Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

Azrael: (Last words) But l'm a fucking demon.

Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.