Jason Lee Quotes

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Ian's Unlikely Offer to the Chipmunks

Ian Hey, if you guys behave, maybe I'll let you call me "Uncle Ian" again. Deal?

[In his car, believing he still has the Chipmunks]

Alvin doll Hola, me llamo Alvin, y yo quiero una Hula-Hoop. (Translation: Hi, I'm Alvin, and I want a hula-hoop.)

Ian ¡Madre de Dios! (Translation: Mother of God.) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[looks to the carrier, realizes the Chipmunks are gone]

Dave Claire.

Claire Hey.

Dave Come on in!

Alvin Well, hel-lo, Clarina!

[leaning on a bottle of champagne, wearing his "A" cap]

Claire Hi, guys.

[to the chipmunks]

Dave I hope you like toaster waffles.

Alvin And, for US classy chipmunks, a BIT of the bubbly.

Claire Oohhh!

[surprised]

Alvin Stupid...cork...DOESN'T-- Whoa! Yikes! Oops.

[while struggling to uncork a bottle; the cork comes loose and goes flying...; ...then the cork smashes into the glass on a China cabinet; giggles nervously]

Dave Not gonna say it.

[after a short pause, calmly]

Alvin Uh-oh!

Simon Good grief.

Claire Are you still not gonna say it?

Dave Nope!

[smiles]

Dave I'm gonna say it. ALVIN!!!!!!

[shocked, before the scene fades to black]

Alvin OKAY!

[last line, offscreen]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Airline Charges and Passenger Concerns

Flight Attendant I'm sorry, sir, that's full. We're gonna have to gate-check those.

Dave Are you gonna charge me 25 bucks a bag?

Flight Attendant Of course not, sir. It's $25 for the first bag, and $40 for each additional bag.

Jeanette I'm a little chilly, would you mind adjusting the vent?

[shivering in her seat]

Simon But of course.

Brittany Oh, you wrinkled my business magazine!

Simon Heh, sorry.

Brittany Guess I'll have to read this. She's pretty. Oh wait, that's me!

[pushes book aside revealing a magazine with herself on the cover]

Dave All right, head count.

Theodore BOO! You like my Jungle Monster costume? Eleanor made it for me.

[appears wearing a monster costume made out of a bag; roars until Dave removes the bag]

Eleanor Yeah! Out of a barf bag!

Dave Yeah, nice. Where's Alvin?

[tosses bag aside and does a head count]

Alvin Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking: we're cleared for an on-time departure for Timbuktu. If Timbuktu is not for you, please alert the flight attendant by pressing your call button. (The passengers do so.)

[over intercom]

Dave Alvin...

Alvin Thank you for choosing Air Alvin, and uh... enjoy your flight!

[frantically]

Flight Attendant Sir, please return to your seat, we're about to take off. (Alvin jumps off the food cart, accidentally pressing the release lever.)

Flight Attendant Sit, now!

Alvin Uh-oh.

Dave But he--

Flight Attendant Sit! (The cart rolls down the aisle.)

Dave No, no, no! ALVIN!! (Alvin smiles nervously and the plane takes off, ending the film.)

[the cart crashes into Dave]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Vanilla Sky

The Dual Nature of Love

Brian Shelby You can do whatever you want with your life, but one day you'll know what love truly is. It's the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Chasing Amy

Concerns About Personal Hygiene and Relationships

Banky Edwards I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in ]!

[[Outbreak]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Cheesy Responses and Unexpected Comparisons

Brandi Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gill Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Brodie Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!

Gill Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

Gill I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.

Brodie Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?

Gill I don't hate gay people!

Brodie So you love them?

Gill Yes! I mean, no.

Brodie Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mumford

A Confession of Affection in Therapy

Skip Skipperton You've fallen in love with one of your patients? — Doc! It's not me is it?

Dr. Mumford What? No, Skip. It's not you, but I like you a lot.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Chasing Amy

Nostalgia for Catholic School Experiences

Banky Edwards Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Chasing Amy

Proving Archie's Interests in Relationships

Banky Edwards I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

An Outlandish First Date Proposal

Brandi Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?

Gill Hicks Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance til the sun came up.

Brodie That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

The Concept of a Stinkpalm Explained

Brodie After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

[regarding Svenning]

T.S. How do you propose I do that?

Brodie You stinkpalm him.

T.S. What's a stinkpalm?

Brodie You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

T.S. You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie Yeah I probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?

T.S. What's the point?

Brodie You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

T.S. Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.

Brodie Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

Unexpected Reunion with Dave

Alvin and Simon Hello?

[answer the phone]

Dave Boys, it's me.

Simon DAVE!

Alvin Dave as in, "Dave"?

[The nurse is holding Dave's phone for him to talk into in his hospital room in Paris]

Dave Well, I guess since you answered the phone, you haven't burned down the house yet.

[smiles]

Alvin Have a little faith, Dave!

Theodore Yeah! Mayday!

[falls off the pot rack; lands on a pan with too much force, which crashes to the floor]

Dave What was that?

[his smile fades]

Simon Don't stress him out.

[whispers to Alvin]

Alvin Uh... that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah. She's making us a zesty five-course meal.

[chuckles]

Dave Really? Well, can I talk to her?

Theodore She's practicing her pole dancing.

[Alvin and Simon look at each other, incredulous, and Theodore just shrugs, not knowing what he said.]

Dave Pole dancing? What happened to making dinner? Guys, what's going on?

Alvin Gotta go, Dave!

Dave Alvin, I'm not kidding.

Alvin Feel better!

Dave ALVI—

Alvin Yep, nobody does that better than him.

[hangs up, cutting Dave off]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Struggling to Communicate Effectively

Shannon What? You wanna say something?

Brodie Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand them all.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Lost Opportunities and Unexpected Apologies

Brittany Now we'll never get to perform at the International Music Awards.

Eleanor I guess now we're the losers.

[makes an 'L' with her fingers, putting it on top of her head, Brittany does the same]

Zoe Jeanette... I don't know what to say. I guess I was just so obsessed with finding that treasure that I kind of... I lost it. And I'm...I'm really sorry. We both are.

[turns to Jeanette; sighs; holds up Dunlop]

Jeanette Oh, well, apology accepted. Here... I want you to have this.

[looks at Zoe and smiles awkwardly; grabs the gold bracelet on her head that Simon (as Simone) gave her and holds it out to her]

Zoe Really? Look, Dunlop, this is a new beginning for both of us.

[gasps; chuckles and grabs the gold bracelet and puts it on Dunlop's "head"; smiles at Jeanette]

Jeanette I hope you don't mind. Simone... gave it to me.

[shocked but smiles awkwardly at Zoe again; not wanting to seem mean. Simon jumps off and walks up to her. Jeanette smiles nervously at him.; chuckles nervously]

Simon Oh, n-no, I don't mind. Y-You know, Jeanette, even the most perfect gem cannot compare to your... beauty.

[barely able to make eye contact with her]

Alvin Um, Dave?

Dave Yes, Alvin?

Alvin I just wanted to say, now that we're not all...you know... dead Sorry.... Sorry. Hm? Heh, Sorry I was acting like a child on the ship. And kind of maybe ruined our family vacation.

[coughs; chuckles]

Dave Sometimes a racehorse needs a little room to run.

Alvin Yes. Yeah. I like where your head's at. That is very wise, David.

[gives Dave a fist bump]

Ian Sup? What, no love for Uncle Ian?

[holds out fist for a fist bump also but no one gives him one]

Brittany and Eleanor You put us in cages!

Ian Seriously? Are we still talking about that?! New subject: I saved Dave's life!

Theodore Okay, but I'll be watching you, mister!

[looks at Ian through the spyglass]

Dave Alvin, you still have that pocketknife I gave you?

[looks up at the sky, then back at Alvin]

Alvin Knife? Oh, right! Sorry, I meant to give it back.

[chuckles; pulls it out of his jacket]

Dave I want you to keep it.

Alvin Really?

Dave Maybe you can use it to signal that helicopter.

[points to the sky]

Ian What? Hey!

[jumps up]

Eleanor Hey!

Brittany We're down here!

Dave Hello!

Ian It's me, Ian Hawke! Jett Records!

Ian Guys, circle around!

Rescue crew guy in the Helicopter Everything's okay! We got you, guys!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mumford

Desire for Freedom in Constrained Environments

Nessa This shrink school you went to, did you hear about it in an infomercial?

Lilly I watched 20/20, it was shocking! Did you know the government is wasteful?

Martin Brocket Have you come across a bigger shithead than my stepfather?

Althea Brockett Why do I feel so elated? Am I in denial? You know what this feels like? I know my time's up, but I've got to get this out while I've got a hold of it! ... When I was in high school the thing I wanted most when I was stuck in class, the thing that I was desperately in pursuit of, was a hall pass. That's all I ever wanted. I loved moving freely around the school while everybody else was trapped in there. That's how I feel right now. Like I have some giant all day hall pass.

Skip Skipperton I may be young, but Doc can tell you — I'm very immature.

[to Lilly]

Dr. Ernest Delbanco No one can escape the fear of death. It is, as ] put it, "the worm at the core," and try as we may to forget or ignore our own mortality, the skull will grin in at the banquet.

[[William James]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

College Ring and Ambitions in Humor

Brodie Hey, look at that ring. What is that?

Jared Svenning That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, 69.

Brodie I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Chasing Amy

Self-Reflection and Personal Identity

Banky Edwards Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?

[''to Alyssa'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Conflicted Feelings Among Friends

Brodie Look, if I have any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.

T.S. Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.

Brodie I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

T.S. What is your problem? I don't understand.

T.S. Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't even know it was you.--

Gwen You fucker!

Brodie See, that's what you get for fucking with me. Sorry , Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.

[Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down]

Gwen He's got a funny way of showin’ it by elbowing me in my freakin’ tit. Why the hell are you glowing?

[she also kicks T.S.]

Brodie I'm not glowing. All right!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Balancing Fun and Safety on the Ship

Dave Captain, I'm really sorry about what happened. Alvin, he's a kid. He's just trying to have some fun.

Captain Correlli There's nothing wrong with fun. Our pelican makes sure that everybody on the ship has fun. In fact, in port, he circles the ship on a hang glider. It's really quite amusing. However, my number one priority is the passengers safety, so I simply cannot have Alvin put himself, or anyone else, at risk again.

Dave Believe me, I understand.

Captain Correlli If Alvin breaks any more of our rules, there will be consequences.

Dave The last thing we want is anybody getting hurt.

Pelican Mascot Excuse me.

[bumps into a waiter, causing him to spill steaming hot gravy on Dave's lap.]

Dave Hot!

[gasps]

Waiter Sorry.

Dave Hot! Unbelievable. Gravy pants.

[heads outside and wipes himself off]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

A Tense Moment Among Friends

Alvin Zoe!

Zoe No, no. Not another step! Don't come any closer!

[holds the rope that's holding Jeanette]

Dave Are you all right, Jeanette?

Jeanette I'm pretty freaked out, and those earrings tasted awful! Blegh!

[spits out all the treasure from her mouth]

Alvin Zoe, you don't have to do this!

Zoe Oh, I don't? I spent ten years looking for this treasure. It's the whole reason why I came to this stinking island!

Alvin You mean... you mean you didn't crash-land?

Zoe They said that I was crazy and they said that this map was a fake! And now the treasure…is MINE!

[pulls out map]

Alvin RUN!

Dave Jeanette, come on! Come on! Run!

Zoe No, you don't!

Alvin Jeanette!

[looks back]

Jeanette Oh, no, help!

[panicking]

Zoe You're going back in that cave, and you are going to get me more treasure!

[pulling the rope to drag Jeanette to her]

Simon JEANETTE!

Jeanette Simone!

Simon It's Simon!

[adjusting his glasses]

Dave ALVIIIIIN!

Alvin Hurry!

[turns to look at Dave, who throws him the aforementioned pocketknife. He jumps after it, catches it with one paw, flips it open and cuts the rope, causing Zoe to fall on her back.]

Dave Come on, guys, go! Go, go! Come on, come on.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mumford

A Misunderstanding About Spending Time

Skip Skipperton Do you know how I spend my every single solitary moment?

Dr. Mumford Jerking off?

Skip Skipperton No! That's a good guess though.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Vanilla Sky

Confronting Mortality and Life's Memories

Brian Shelby My own death was in front of me, and you know what happened? Your life flashed before my eyes.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Big Trouble

Finding Companionship Amidst Life's Challenges

Puggy God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you." In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami. You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

[Opening the movie; eats a Frito; picks up another; eats it]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Chasing Amy

Anticipating a Hate Crime

Banky Edwards I feel a hate crime coming on.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Confrontation in the Mall

Shannon Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those loser fucking mallrat kids. You don't come down here to do work or shop. You hang out all day. You act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

Brodie Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?

Shannon Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're more vulnerable and in much more need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.

Brodie What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Shannon No. Like someplace girls dread.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Hollywood Dreams and Bidding Wars

Ian It's good to be back, huh?

Dave Sure is.

Ian Sold Zoe's story to Hollywood. Huge bidding war. Keira Knightley is interested. I'm thinking 50 Cent for me.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

Reunion of Friends and Family

Theodore Dave!

Alvin Dave!

Simon Dave, you're alive!

Dave Hey, guys!

Alvin It was an accident, I swear!

Theodore Are you okay?

Alvin I'm really sorry, Dave.

Dave I'll be fine. I'm just going to be stuck here for a while. And until I get out, I've made arrangements for my Aunt Jackie to come stay with you.

Alvin Who's Aunt Jackie?

Theodore The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.

Alvin Oh, Popcorn Jackie.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Sentimental Attachments and Visitation Rights

Brodie You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--

Rene Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over to my house and left it there.

Brodie Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.

Rene For what?

Brodie For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--

Rene Brodie, Brodie--

Brodie --or a boat show--

Rene Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral when you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.

[Grabs Brodie by the ear]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Big Trouble

Unexpected kindness in tough situations

John You can stay.

Puggy They took all my money.

[about the muggers]

John It's okay. Free beer.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Easter Bunny Incident at the Mall

Jay You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!

Brodie All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay He's fucking dead!

Brodie Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

T.S. What the hell happened?

Jay The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie I had it coming.

Jay Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.

T.S. What really happened?

Brodie The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.

Gwen Shannon Hamilton?

T.S. You know that guy?

Gwen I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S. What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie Sounds like his M.O.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Big Trouble

Sponsoring a Softball Team Discussion

Puggy Aluminum, huh?

Leo We sponsor girl's softball team.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Chasing Amy

Desires of Women Explored in Humor

Banky Edwards All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Almost Famous

Expressions of Love and Regret Among Friends

Russell Hammond If something should happen. maybe I never said this enough, I love all of you.

[as their plane is struggling to stay in the air]

Dennis Hope I once hit a man in Dearborn, Michigan. A hit and run. I hit him and just kept on going. I don't know if he's alive or dead; but, I'm sorry. Not a day goes by I don't see his face.

Leslie Oh my God!

Dick Roswell Look, I love you all too. You're like a family to me. Especially since Marna left me. And listen, fellas, I just want you to know, if I took an extra dollar or two here and there, it's because I knew I'd earned it.

Russell Hammond Yeah. I slept with Marna, Dick.

Jeff Bebe I did too.

Larry Fellows I waited until you broke up with her, Dick. But me too.

Jeff Bebe I also slept with Leslie, when you were fighting.

[to Russell]

Russell Hammond You slept with Jeff?

[to Leslie]

Leslie Yeah, but it didn't count. It was the summer we decided to be free of all rules!

Russell Hammond And you say you love me!

[to Jeff]

Jeff Bebe I don't love you, man. I never did. None of us love you. You act above us. You always have.

Larry Fellows Finally, the truth.

Jeff Bebe You just held it over us, like you might leave. Like we're lucky to be with you. And we had to live with it, man. I had to live with you, and now I might die with you, and it's not fucking fair!

Russell Hammond Please, enough!

Jeff Bebe And I'm still in love with you, Leslie.

Leslie Oh, I don't wanna hear any more. Shut up, Jeffrey!

Dick Roswell Jeffrey, It's all happening.

Russell Hammond What the fuck! Whatever happens, Bebe, you're dead.

Jeff Bebe Don't be self-righteous, Russell. Not now, man. You were sleeping with Penny, that fucking groupie, last summer up until yesterday. Why don't you tell Leslie that?

Russell Hammond Shut up!

Dennis Hope I quit!

Russell Hammond I'm gonna kill you!

Dennis Hope I quit!

William Miller That groupie"? She was a Band-Aid! All she did was love your band. And you used her, all of you! You used her and threw her away! She almost died last night while you were with Bob Dylan. You guys, you're always talking about the fans, the fans, the fans; she was your biggest fan, and you threw her away! And if you can't see that, that's your biggest problem. And I love her! I love her!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dogma

The Allure of Central Air Conditioning

Azrael No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

A Moment of Sacrifice and Friendship

Dave Let go!

Simone I've been hit!

[falls dramatically]

Theodore By Dave's necklace?

[tugs the necklace with his paws.]

Simone Tell Jeanette I will watch over her... with angel wings.

[plays dead]

Theodore Dave?

[picks up the candy necklace. Dave rolls onto his belly, and the two of them make eye contact; their mouths gradually curl into smiles]

Dave Ha-ha, Theodore!

[picks up Theodore, overjoyed; Theodore hugs his shoulder]

Simone Dave? Ha ha! Told you we'd find him!

[climbs a tree]

Dave Simon!

Simone It is Simone, but I am often confused for this Simon fellow. Perhaps we look alike?

[leans on the tree's branch]

Dave Simone?

[confused]

Theodore Ian!

[sees Ian comes out of the bush]

Ian Hey, you found the chubby one.

Dave Don't worry, Theodore. Nothing's gonna happen to you. Is it?

Theodore What was that?!

[whimpers]

Ian Uh, that's an active volcano.

Alvin Okay, Brittany and I will build the deck. Eleanor, you need to start braiding ropes. Jeanette, find as many coconuts and mangoes as you can. Who knows how long we'll be out there.

Dave What can I do to help?

[walks up behind them]

The Chipettes Dave!

The Chipettes You found us! Yay!

Brittany We missed you so much!

Jeanette I knew you would find us!

Dave Eleanor! What happened?

Eleanor Oh, nothing... just a little... zip-line accident.

Dave A what?!

Eleanor I'm fine. It only hurts when I try to explain it.

[picks up the crutch, smiling at Dave awkwardly]

Dave Okay, you know what? Never mind. The important thing is you guys are safe. Alvin? Everything's gonna be okay. Hey, what is it?

[looks up to see Alvin, who, not looking too happy, can barely look at him. He drops Brittany and Jeanette down carefully and walks over to the barrel that Alvin is standing on.]

Alvin I thought you'd never find us... that you weren't even looking...

[on the verge of tears]

Dave Why wouldn't I look for you?

[confused]

Alvin Because I'm such a pain in the...

Dave Alvin.

[interrupting him, reassuringly]

Alvin I know, you don't think I'm a pain.

Dave No, you're a pain. But I'd come, no matter what.

The Chipettes *sigh with happiness*

Simone Arc de Triomphe, mayonnaise, Napoleon...

Ian Ugh. I get it, Frenchie; you come from a rich history. Well, guess what? We're ALL gonna be history if we don't get out of here.

The Chipettes Uncle Ian?!

[terrified]

Alvin What's he doing here?

Dave It's kind of a long story.

Theodore Don't worry, he's cool.

Simone Yes, for a pelican man.

Alvin Oh yeah, nothing cooler than a grown man in a pelican suit.

Alvin So, Dave, how are we gonna get out of here?

Dave I don't know, Alvin, I think you've got this under control.

Alvin Theodore, you and Eleanor are on rope duty. Dave and Ian, we need oars. Simone, you and Jeanette are in charge of food. And, Zoe...

[smiles]

Zoe No, I know, I know. I'm gonna go and I'm gonna pack up my balls!

[walks away]

Dave Who's that?

Alvin Another long story.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

The Impossibility of Superman's Offspring

T.S. But they're engaged.

Brodie Doesn't matter, it can't happen.

T.S. Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

T.S. Sure, why not?

Brodie He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.

T.S. How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

Brodie Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.

T.S. Of course it is.

Brodie The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.

T.S. The cookie stands counts as an eatery, the eatery's a part of the food court.

Brodie Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- Holy shit!

[notices Rene at the clothing store]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Confrontation Over a Jacket and Assumptions

Brodie What the hell gives at the cover boy?

Rene None of your damn business, but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.

[slaps Brodie with shopping bag]

Brodie Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?

Rene Brodie, start the elevator.

Brodie No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?

Rene Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.

Brodie Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!

Rene I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!

Vanilla Sky

The Pain of Solitude and Loneliness

Brian Shelby You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy who goes home alone.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Unexpected Shuffleboard Activity Surprises Chipmunks

Dave You're all lucky Captain Correlli has allowed you one more activity.

Alvin Is it hang gliding, wakeboarding or bungee jumping?

Dave Nope. Shuffleboard.

[shows them a section of the deck marked with a shuffleboard playing surface]

Chipmunks/Chipettes AWW!

Alvin Man!

Simon By my calculations, it appears to be 10% shuffle, 90% board.

Jeanette That's funny.

[giggles]

Simon Oh, uh, Th-th-thanks. You really think so?

Alvin You know, Dave, I think I'd prefer the plank.

Dave Sorry, Alvin, but this is what you get to do. And I get to do something I haven't done in a loooong time: absolutely nothing.

[sits on a lounge chair and pulls out a magazine.]

Alvin Brittany approaches her puck, adjusts her stance... looks over at me, quite annoyed, wonders to herself if I'm ever going to shut my mouth... Realizes I'm not and makes her move...

[commentating]

Alvin And... OH! Oh, it's short! A costly error, ladies and gentlemen! That's going to haunt her for the rest of her career!

[cackles]

Brittany You can make all the jokes you want, Alvin, but not even you can make this interesting.

[laughs mockingly]

Mumford

Unexpected Backgrounds in Personal Stories

Skip Skipperton Are you telling me that your last job before becoming a psychologist was an investigator for the IRS?

Dr. Mumford Everybody has a story, Skip.

Skip Skipperton Seems like you got the variety pack.

Mallrats

Desire for Authentic Experiences in Relationships

Brodie I took you shopping all the time!

Rene You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!

Mallrats

Conflict Escalates Among Mall Characters

Shannon That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

Brodie Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gill What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Dogma

The Nature of Evil and Human Guilt

Bethany Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!

Azrael Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.

Bethany Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!

Azrael Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

[furious; calms himself]

Chasing Amy

Foreboding Prediction of an Unfavorable Outcome

Banky Edwards This is all going to end badly.

Dogma

A Demon’s Final Revelation

Azrael (Last words) But l'm a fucking demon.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Setting Boundaries in Fun and Responsibility

Dave ALVIN!!!

[screams as the crowd covers their ears]

Dave We talked about setting rules, Alvin.

Alvin I'm sorry. I didn't know the agreement meant no fun!

Dave You're allowed to have fun. When are you going to stop acting like a child?

Alvin When are YOU going to stop treating me like a child?

Dave I'll stop treating you like a child when you start acting like a grown-up.

Alvin I'll start acting like a grown-up when you start--

Dave Hey, girls, not now, please. Okay?

Chipettes Aww.

Alvin Lame.

Simon Sorry, Dave.

Dave I need to get ready for dinner with the captain.

Brittany We're having dinner with the captain?

[gasps]

Dave No, I am. You're staying here. I have to go apologize for everything Alvin did.

Chasing Amy

Questioning Language and Its Impact

Banky Edwards What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?

Mallrats

The Perks of Comic Book Fame

Stan Lee There was a time when it was all about comics for me, you know? I-- I had a girl, probably the same as yours. She always complained that I spent too much time with my own comics and, er, eventually we broke up.

Brodie See, what did she know? Here you are now, a legend in the field, probably had a slew of woman since her! Am I right?

Stan Oh, lots of women. ] and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. As a matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.

[[Mick Jagger|Jagger]

Brodie Damn, that's hot!

Stan But I never forgot that girl.

Mallrats

Characters as reflections of personal regrets

Stan Doctor Doom wears body armor to conceal his own mangled form, right?

Brodie Yeah.

Stan Okay. That was me beneath the armor. The Hulk! A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next, just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.

Brodie So you created each character as a way to deal with your one big regret.

Stan Yeah. The girl that got away. Look, do yourself a favor Brodie -- don't wait. Because all the money, all the women, even all the comic books in the world, they can't substitute for that one person.

Brodie I don't know, all the comics in the world?

Stan Trust me, True Believer.

Mallrats

Game Show Sabotage Plan Unfolds

Brodie You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Jay Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Brodie Really? Why?

Jay What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and fuckin’ bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you wanna destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Almost Famous

The Fear of Popularity in Music

Jeff Bebe Show me any guy who ever said he didn't want to be popular, and I'll show you a scared guy. I've studied the entire history of music. Most of the time, the best stuff is the popular stuff. It's much safer to say popularity sucks, because that allows you to forgive yourself if you suck. And I don't forgive myself. Do you?

Chasing Amy

Banky's Frustration with Character Misrepresentation

Banky Edwards Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee!

Mallrats

Attempting Jedi Mind Tricks in Reality

T.S. What's he doing?

Jay Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.

Jay Knock it off.

Brodie The Force is strong with this one.

Jay Dude, don't encourage him.

Brodie So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.

Jay What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about her video setup.

Brodie Why him?

Jay Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Motherfucker's like McGyver--no, motherfucker's better than McGyver! Knock it off!

[he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again]

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Disobedience in a Dangerous Situation

Alvin Dave. I'm coming with you.

Dave Absolutely not, it's too dangerous.

[looks at Alvin]

Alvin Remember I said someday I may need to disobey you? Sorry, Dave, but I gotta disobey you.

Dave Let's go.

[resignedly]

Zoe You're not coming up until you have every last bit of that treasure!

[puts her close to the hole so she can fit in]

Jeanette B-B-But the volcano's about to explode!

[stammering]

Zoe Well, then I guess you better hurry, huh?

Almost Famous

The Essence of Rock and Roll

Jeff Bebe Some people have a hard time explaining rock n roll. I don't think anyone can really explain rock n roll. Maybe Pete Townshend, but, that's okay. Rock n roll is a lifestyle and a way of thinking and it's not about money and popularity. Although, some money would be nice. But it's a voice that says, "Here I am - and fuck you if you can't understand me." And one of these people is gonna save the world. And that means that rock n roll can save the world - all of us together. And the chicks are great. But, what it all comes down to is that thing. The indefinable thing when people catch something from your music. What I'm talking about is - hey, what am I talking about?

William Miller The buzz.

Jeff Bebe The buzz. And the chicks! And whatever is an offshoot of the buzz. Like, you say you like, "Fever Dog." That is the fucking buzz!

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Betting Misunderstanding Among Friends

Simon Alvin! Alvin!

Dave Simon?

Simon I wasn't betting. Honest.

[looks at Dave]

Guy in Suit Your winnings, sir.

Better Oh, busted!

Simon I didn't sneak out. I mean, I did, but only to stop Alvin.

Dave Right.

Ian There they are, Captain.

Dave Captain.

Alvin Oh, what's he going to do? Make us walk the plank?

Theodore There's a plank?

[gasps]

Dave No, there's no plank. But if you guys disobey me one more time, you will be off the ship. And you'll miss the International Music Awards. Do you understand?

Eleanor Yes, Dave.

Jeanette Uh-huh.

Brittany Absolutely.

Alvin What if we need to disobey you?

Dave And why would you need to do that?

Alvin Well, let's say that you tell me to stay put. "Alvin, if you move from that chair, you're grounded!" But then, I happen to see pirates climbing up ropes, ever so stealthy, from the side of the ship. Now, it would be easy for me to take my trusty old Swiss Army knife and cut the ropes. But I have to stay put. Or do I?

Dave Yes, Alvin, you do. And what are you doing with a pocket knife?

Alvin What pocket knife are you referring to?

Dave Come on, give it to me. You could cut yourself.

Alvin So, I could have saved the whole ship from robbage and pilgering and you'd still ground me?

[hands it over]

Simon Alvin, there's no such word as robbage. And it's pillaging. But he does have a point, Dave. There's got to be times when you trust us to take matters into your own hands.

[puts his paw on Alvin's shoulder.]

Dave I trusted you tonight and look where that got me!

[sighs]

Alvin That's probably just the hot gravy talking.

Dogma

A Search for the Holy Bartender

Azrael Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender Never heard of it.

Azrael Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity Don't...

Azrael Ahh, anybody? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... Get it?

[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads; pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]

Serendipity Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?

[restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared]

Rufus Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

Azrael Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

[referring to Bethany]

Serendipity Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?

Azrael I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...

Jay Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

[suddenly starts sniggering]

Mallrats

Wacky Game Show Revelations Among Friends

Shannon Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Please don't go.

Jay God damn, this is one wacky game show.

Brodie Hey! That girl's only 15!

[to the cops]

Shannon Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

[as he is being arrested]

Mallrats

Public Behavior and Unspoken Boundaries

Brandi Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?

Brodie Already did once today. But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

[points to Rene and smirks]

Gill Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Memorable Quotes from Jason Lee

find it. watch it.