This Is the End

Debate Over a Milky Way Bar

Seth Rogen Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this?

[after the group inventories the remaining food]

Jonah Hill Um, can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

Jay Baruchel That's weird.

James Franco It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

Seth Rogen I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.

Jonah Hill Guys.

Jay Baruchel A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

Seth Rogen Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

James Franco I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.

[To Craig]

Craig Robinson I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.

James Franco I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.

Craig Robinson You couldn't handle my midriff.

Jonah Hill Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.

Jay Baruchel For fuck's sake.

Jonah Hill No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.

Jay Baruchel What?

James Franco Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?

Seth Rogen One finger scoop of Nutella.

Jonah Hill Fair.

James Franco I’m going to bed.

Jay Baruchel Jesus fucking…

James Franco Don’t touch that Milky Way, Jonah.

Jonah Hill Night, James.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Disaster Theories Among Friends

James Franco Earthquakes cause tsunamis.

Seth Rogen Yes.

James Franco Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.

Danny McBride I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.

Seth Rogen Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.

Jonah Hill Sinkhole de Mayo.

Seth Rogen Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.

Jay Baruchel It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.

Craig Robinson Let’s hear it.

Jay Baruchel I think it’s the Apocalypse.

James Franco What?

Jay Baruchel I’m serious, boys. It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.

[holds up a Bible]

James Franco You took my Bible?

Jay Baruchel Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.

[starts reading the Bible]

Craig Robinson The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.

James Franco Coldwater.

Seth Rogen I take Laurel Canyon.

Jonah Hill Cahuegna.

Danny McBride I usually cup down Barham.

Jay Baruchel Boys, can I just fricking finish?

Craig Robinson I love Laurel Canyon.

Jay Baruchel “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”

[continues reading]

Craig Robinson I love that dude. He’s from ].

[[Where the Wild Things Are]

James Franco It’s a load of bullshit.

Jay Baruchel It’s not bullshit.

James Franco You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.

Craig Robinson I’m straight-up lovable, son.

James Franco And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

RoboCop

RoboCop Confronts Criminals and Asserts Authority

RoboCop Clara, take David and get out of the way now! Raymond Sellars, you're under arrest for the attempted murder of a police officer.

[they step away]

Raymond Sellars Are you here to cuff me? All right. Go head, cuff me. You can't. You're not programmed that way. If you go against the program, the entire system shuts down, so.

Liz Kline You don't even have a warrant. We'll overlook this little...

RoboCop Get down on the ground and put your hands behind your back.

Tom Pope I'm just from marketing.

RoboCop Now!

Pope Ok, yep, yep, yep Yep

[lies prone together with Kline]

Sellars Alex, we need to work together here, because I'm the only one with the technology to keep you alive.

RoboCop Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

[forced to crouch down]

Sellars All right. Weapon. Alex, honestly, I mean you no harm. If I wanted to, I could have killed you a long time ago. I just aim this right at your head and blow it off.

[to security guard]

Clara Murphy Sellars, please! Don't!

Sellars I mean, if I wanted to, I could just aim this at your little family and I could just kill them too. And really, there's nothing you could do about it because, let's face it, you're a robot. Do you understand that? Alex.

[as Alex struggles to aim his weapon because of the security protocols; points weapon at Clara and David; sees Alex preparing to fire at him]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Tropic Thunder

Representation and Humor in Film

Alpa Chino And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent. Cause they one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to ].

[[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee]

Kirk Lazarus Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.

Chino I just wanted to throw another ].

[[w:Shrimp on the barbie|shrimp on your Barbie]

Lazarus That shit ain't funny.

Chino I'm just fucking with you, ]. I'm sorry if a dingo ate yo baby.

[[w:Kangaroo Jack|Kangaroo Jack]

Lazarus You know that's a true story? ]. You about to cross a fucking line.

[[w:Death of Azaria Chamberlain|Lady lost her kid]

Kevin Sandusky Hey guys could we just cool it...

Chino You know what, fuck that, I'm sick of this koala-hunting nigga-

[Kirk slaps Alpa. Alpa tries to punch Kirk but Kirk grabs his fist and pulls him in and hugs him.]

Lazarus For 400 years, that word has kept us down.

Chino ...what the fuck!?

[confused]

Lazarus Took a whole lot of tryin, just to get up that hill, but now we up in the big leagues...

Chino That's the theme songs from ]. You really need help!

[Breaks away from Kirk; [w:The Jeffersons|The Jeffersons]

Lazarus Just cause it's a theme song doesn't mean it's not true.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Questioning the Effectiveness of a Familiar Phrase

Jay Baruchel The power of Christ compels you!

[trying to perform an exorcism]

Jonah Hill Guess what? It's not that compelling.

[possessed]

Seth Rogen Jay, are you serious right now? That’s your fucking plan? You gonna repeat line from The Exorcist?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Unexpected Reunion Amidst Dire Circumstances

Jay Baruchel Danny?

[after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck]

Danny McBride What the fuck?! You guys are still alive?!

Seth Rogen Yeah!

Danny McBride Holy shit, I didn't expect that. Fuck out here. Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's fuckin crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.

[tugs on his leash; On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck]

Jay Baruchel What does that have to do with us?

James Franco The fuck you talking about?

Danny McBride I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna fucking eat your ass!

[laughs]

Seth Rogen Fuck you, you can't eat us! Fuck that, man!

Danny McBride I do whatever the fuck I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-fucked this dude. See that? I fuckin slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.

Channing Tatum Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?

James Franco That's Channing Tatum!

Seth Rogen That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?!

Danny McBride Channing fucking Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum.

James Franco Hardcore, man.

Danny McBride I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.

James Franco All right, Seth…

Danny McBride: Fucking roll over.

James Franco I’m gonna create a diversion…

Seth Rogen Yeah.

James Franco …you and Jay make a run for it.

Seth Rogen What? Danny’s gonna eat you!

James Franco Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.

Danny McBride Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing fucking Tatum, dawg!

Channing Tatum I love him.

Danny McBride That’s fucking ], dude. He fucking loves me.

[[w:G.I. Joe|G.I. Joe; laughs]

Seth Rogen Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!

Danny McBride I’d love to catch up, but we’re fucking starving, so… LET’S EAT!

James Franco FUCK YOU!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Feeling Abandoned Among Friends

Seth Rogen You okay, man?

Jay Baruchel No, it’s nothing, it’s just, you know, as soon as we got there, you did what you said you wouldn’t do.

Seth Rogen What did I do?

Jay Baruchel You just fucking ditched my ass.

Seth Rogen I didn’t ditch you. Are you kidding me? I did not ditch you. I was talking to Jonah and then you left to go have a cigarette.

Jay Baruchel Well, you know, my cigarette was an excuse. I really went outside cause Jonah was being a prick.

Seth Rogen Jonah was not being a prick. If anything, you were kind of being a prick. Jonah’s the nicest guy ever.

Jay Baruchel Oh, my God, that’s a thin veneer of kindness. Nobody’s that nice.

Seth Rogen Jonah is that nice.

Jay Baurchel Serial killers are that nice.

Seth Rogen Just answer me one question: Is ]'s butthole as adorable as I pictured?

[[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]

Jay Baruchel Oh, for fuck's sake...

Seth Rogen I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Survival Supplies in a Crisis Situation

Seth Rogen We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, ], cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, ], milk, ketchup, a ], a half-ounce of ], 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.

[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house; [w:Nutella|Nutella; [w:Cinnamon Toast Crunch|C.T. Crunch; [w:Milky Way (chocolate bar)|Milky Way; [w:Sour Diesel|Sour Diesel]

James Franco ].

[correcting Seth; [127 Hours]

Seth Rogen Uh... ], and a functioning revolver from the movie ].

[[127 Hours; [Flyboys]

James Franco Old faithful.

[picks up the gun'']

Jay Baruchel Jesus.

James Franco Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.

Seth Rogen Yeah.

James Franco This is an actual revolver.

Seth Rogen I see, yeah.

Craig Robinson Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?

James Franco Loaded.

Jonah Hill Love it.

Jay Baruchel Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?

James Franco I always keep my props.

Jay Baruchel That’s really cool.

James Franco Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.

Jonah Hill He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.

James Franco It’s real. It’s heavy.

Jonah Hill Let me see it like that.

Craig Robinson Goddamn!

Seth Rogen Come on, guys! You could kill…

James Franco Careful.

Jonah Hill Bang, bang!

[pretends to shoot it]

Jay Baruchel Jesus!

Seth Rogen Please put it down!

Jay Baruchel Oh, fuck!

Jonah Hill Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!

Jay Baruchel I hope you’re fucking happy.

Jonah Hill Pow, pow, pow!

Seth Rogen Stop- Guys, stop fucking with the gun!

Jay Baruchel Jesus. Jesus!

Jonah Hill Pow! Pow! Bang!

Seth Rogen It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.

Jonah Hill Guys, it’s funny.

Jay Baruchel It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.

Jonah Hill I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.

All No!

Seth Rogen Don’t do that Jonah!

Jay Baruchel Jesus!

James Franco Jonah, give it back.

Jonah Hill I don’t know! I don’t know!

[puts the gun in his mouth]

James Franco Don’t do that!

Seth Rogen Oh, dude!

Jay Baruchel Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!

Craig Robinson Would you put the thing down?!

Jonah Hill The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Discussion on Food Preferences and Humor

James Franco ] to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here?

[after sending [[w:Emma Watson|Emma Watson]

Seth Rogen Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want.

James Franco That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven.

Danny McBride This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive ] fan.

[[w: Harry Potter|Harry Potter]

James Franco What?

Danny McBride Yes. I love fucking ]. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures.

[[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter]

James Franco Take it easy, ].

[[w:Dumble Dore|Dumble Dore]

Jay Baruchel Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

Seth Rogen Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco That's racist.

Jay Baruchel I wasn’t referring to him. I was referring to the issue that’s on all of our minds.

James Franco What?

Jay Baruchel This is one girl in a house with six males.

James Franco Real safe.

Seth Rogen Ideal scenario.

Craig Robinson She’s like a little sister.

Jay Baruchel I think that she needs… It’s important that she feels safe. And comfortable. And we should be mindful.

Craig Robinson Who’s making her not feel safe?

Jay Baruchel Well, I’m just saying we should… We don’t wanna give off a bad vibe.

James Franco Vibes? I ain’t got no vibes.

Seth Rogen Wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?

Danny McBride He’s talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.

All Whoa!

Craig Robinson Jesus.

James Franco Jay, what the fuck, man?

Seth Rogen Chill out dude.

James Franco Why you putting that shit in the mix?

Jay Baruchel He fucking said it!

Danny McBride You’re the one saying it. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.

James Franco Well, you talking about vibes is the only thing that’s rapey going on right now.

Seth Rogen Dude, nothing was rapey until you brought up the rapey vibe.

James Franco Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.

Seth Rogen True that, dude.

James Franco One who denies it supplies it.

Jay Baruchel I know, it’s farts, I get it.

Jonah Hill Guys, guys, guys. Jay’s not rapey. Jay couldn’t rape a fly.

Seth Rogen He probably could.

Craig Robinson Maybe we should stop this entire conversation right now.

James Franco If anyone’s gonna rape anyone here, it’s probably gonna be Danny.

Danny McBride What the fuck, Franco?

James Franco What?

Danny McBride Why do you think I’m gonna rape somebody?

James Franco I’m just trying to lay it out here.

Danny McBride I’m not gonna rape anyone, all right? If anyone’s gonna rape somebody, it’s Jay. He came up with the rape idea and his face looks like the police sketch of a fucking rapist.

James Franco True.

Jay Baruchel What the fuck does that mean?

Danny McBride If anybody’s raping Emma Watson, it’s fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Breaking Through Together Amidst Chaos

Seth Rogen That is so fucking good.

James Franco The two heroes over here breaking through the floor.

Seth Rogen We did break through the floor.

Jay Baruchel Any of you guys would have done the same thing.

Seth Rogen Oh, man, that fucking hurt.

Jay Baruchel Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again.

Seth Rogen I think I did.

Jonah Hill Hey, what year is this?

Jay Baruchel 19…

Seth Rogen That’s a good… That’s a good year.

Craig Robinson Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin?!

[turns his attention to McBride about to pour water]

Danny McBride What am I doing?

[Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]

Seth Rogen Fuck, man!

Danny McBride What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

James Franco That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!

Seth Rogen Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.

Danny McBride Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.

James Franco You cannot have another glass of water.

Danny McBride Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the fuck is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.

Jonah Hill I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.

Danny McBride I just think that everybody should have the fucking same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONAH!

[mimicking Jonah]

James Franco You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.

Danny McBride You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fuckin punch line.

James Franco No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!

Danny McBride Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.

Seth Rogen Good.

James Franco Alright.

Danny McBride YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY FUCKING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!

James Franco GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

[aims his revolver at Danny]

Danny McBride That's what I thought. Nerd.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Chaos and Confusion Among Friends

Jay Baruchel Holy shit!

Seth Rogen It worked!

Danny McBride What the fuck?

James Franco Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh...

[sticks up both middle fingers]

Seth Rogen Oh shit.

James Franco What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!

[horrified]

Danny McBride I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven cause you were being petty! ]. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.

[[w:Tom Petty|Tom Petty]

James Franco What? NOOOOOO!

[Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]

Danny McBride HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?!

[holding up James' severed nose; shrieks]

James Franco DANNY, NOOOOOO!

[last words]

Danny McBride SETH! JAY!

[three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]

Jay Baruchel Oh shit, they're running after us!

Seth Rogen Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!

Danny McBride BRING THEM TO ME!

[last words]

Seth Rogen Fuck!

Cannibal Get ‘em!

Cannibal 2 Got to get Rogen!

Seth Rogen Over here! Over here, over here.

Jay Baruchel What?

Seth Rogen Shit, shit!

Cannibal They’re around here somewhere.

Cannibal 2 They kept running you fucking idiots!

Seth Rogen Shit, are they still here?

Jay Baruchel I think they’re gone.

Seth Rogen Are they gone?

Jay Baruchel Oh, my God.

Seth Rogen Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!

Jay Baruchel That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…

Seth Rogen Is it Vanity?

Jay Baruchel Vanity or envy.

Seth Rogen Is it envy or wrath?

Jay Baruchel It’s any of them, man.

Seth Rogen You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.

Jay Baruchel That’s exactly what it is.

Seth Rogen You can’t be a sore winner.

Jay Baruchel Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. Fuck.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Discussion of Dietary Choices and Preferences

Jay Baruchel All right, I’ve landed, I’m here, we’ve said our hellos. Can we please go to fucking ]?

[[w:Carl’s Jr.|Carl’s Jr.]

Seth Rogen Uh… I would… I would love to, I’m on a… I can’t really eat that stuff right now. I’m on a, uh… I’m on this cleanse.

Jay Baruchel You’re on a what?

Seth Rogen I’m on a cleanse.

Seth Rogen It’s good for you. I didn’t know— You’re supposed to take shits a day.

Jay Baruchel That’s not true.

Seth Rogen It is true.

Jay Baruchel You’re supposed to shit twice a day.

Seth Rogen No. That’s not true. That’s what they used to think. Now they know you’re supposed to shit six times a day.

Jay Baruchel So, you’re not drinking, you’re not smoking weed? You’re not…

Seth Rogen Oh, no, no. I’m drinking, I’m smoking weed.

Jay Baruchel But…

Seth Rogen I’m on a cleanse, I’m not psychotic. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you’d feel way fucking better all day. Whenever you feel shitty, that’s cause of gluten.

Jay Baruchel That’s not true. Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten?

Seth Rogen It’s just true.

Jay Baruchel You don’t even know what gluten is.

Seth Rogen I know what fucking gluten is.

Jay Baruchel No, you have no idea what gluten is.

Seth Rogen I do know what gluten is. Gluten’s a vague term. It’s, it’s like something that’s used to categorize things that are bad, you know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten.

Jay Baruchel Somebody just told you, you probably shouldn’t eat gluten, you’re like, “Oh, I guess I shouldn’t eat gluten.”

Seth Rogen Gluten means bad shit, man, and I’m not eating it.

Seth Rogen Hmm! Oh, God! Each bite is better than the previous bite.

Jay Baruchel It is.

Seth Rogen Gluten!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Contemplating God During the Apocalypse

Seth Rogen This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who fucking saw that coming that there's actually a God?

[discussing the apocalypse; Jay nods in agreement]

Jay Baruchel I-I'd say 95% of the planet.

Seth Rogen Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Craig Robinson You might wanna stay away from saying that.

Seth Rogen Jesus fucking Christ"?

Craig Robinson Yes.

Seth Rogen Why? Why can't I say that?

Craig Robinson One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".

Seth Rogen Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.

Craig Robinson Jesus, God. It's all the same.

Jay Baruchel It's the trinity.

Seth Rogen Jesus...

Craig Robinson Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

James Franco It's like Neapolitan ice cream.

Seth Rogen I don't even know what the fucking Commandments are.

James Franco Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.

Seth Rogen I'm good.

James Franco We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!

Jay Baruchel Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.

James Franco It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.

Craig Robinson Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.

Seth Rogen Oh.

Craig Robinson You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.

Seth Rogen I think God might've just fucked up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!

[whispering]

Craig Robinson It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.

James Franco Wh-Why you so sure?

Craig Robinson I've- I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.

[sighs]

Jay Baruchel What the?

Seth Rogen Oh, fuck off.

James Franco Craig.

Craig Robinson Well I was a kid, man, it was a fuckin bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I fuckin called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...

Craig Robinson And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, fuck it. And I went for the second one.

Craig Robinson It was fucked up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.

James Franco I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I fucked ]. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the ], she kept banging on my door.

[[w:Lindsay Lohan|Lindsay Lohan; [w:Chateau Marmont|Chateau Marmont]

James Franco She kept calling me ].

[[w:Jake Gyllenhaal|Jake Gyllenhaal]

Seth Rogen That's fucked up.

James Franco Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".

Craig Robinson See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... It's time to pay the piper.

[sighs]

Seth Rogen Whoa.

James Franco Oh, shit! Something's wrong! God did this. He gave us light, and then he took it away.

[whispers; lights lighter]

Jay Baruchel You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.

Craig Robinson Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.

[worried about Jonah, whispering]

Jay Baruchel I know what we can do.

[blows out lighter]

This Is the End

A Unique Perspective on Personal Space

Seth Rogen This place is beautiful, man.

James Franco This place is like a piece of me. You two just stepped inside of me.

Seth Rogen You let us both cum inside you. Yeah.

James Franco Icing on the cake. Check it out. Painted them myself.

[shows Seth the painting on the wall]

Seth Rogen Huh!

James Franco Side by side. A team.

Seth Rogen Holy shit.

James Franco So, is it weird?

Seth Rogen No.

James Franco You sure?

Seth Rogen I really like it.

James Franco What do you think, Jay?

Jay Baruchel I’m not a big art guy.

James Franco You don’t like art?

Jay Baruchel Well, come on.

James Franco You play video games?

Jay Baruchel Yes.

James Franco Well, guess what, buddy? You like art.

Jay Baruchel Yep.

James Franco You ever been to Subway?

Jay Baruchel Yes.

James Franco You order a sandwich? Somebody put that together for you, dude. That’s art.

Seth Rogen Sandwich artist.

James Franco So let me lay this on you, Jay.

Jay Baruchel Oh, fuck…

James Franco Your mama's pussy was the canvas, your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art, huh?

Jay Baruchel Thanks, James Franco.

James Franco You got it.

This Is the End

Misunderstanding Over a Prop Gun

Danny McBride Thank you, James. It means a lot to you, and I appreciate that you’d give this to me. Stupid. Stupid motherfucker!

James Franco Fucking psychopath!

Danny McBride What the...?

James Franco It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?

[takes the revolver back]

Danny McBride You were gonna send me out there with a fucking gun filled with blanks?

Seth Rogen Oh, fuck you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you fucking dickhead!

James Franco Fucking murdering motherfucker!

Danny McBride Whatever. Fucking civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so fucking high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious fucking nerd.

James Franco Fuck you.

Danny McBride Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.

[Jonah glares at him offensively]

Craig Robinson Bro.

Danny McBride Seth... you duplicitous taint.

Seth Rogen What?

Danny McBride And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.

Jay Baruchel What the fuck are you talking about?

Danny McBride I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.

Jay Baruchel No, no, no, no. That-that's fucking twisting that shit around, you're fucking lying.

Danny McBride Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.

Craig Robinson Ooh! Jay.

Seth Rogen Fuck, man.

Danny McBride It's not, it's textbook twattage. And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back in. Don't be cocky.

[opens his hands like a book and closes them]

Knocked Up

Bathroom Etiquette and Grooming Concerns

Jay Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin rock this shit!

[sees Alison, embarrassed]

Jonah What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin stuffed animal!

Jay You're embarrassing me in front of company!

Jonah You embarrass yourself!

This Is the End

Survival and Tension Among Friends

Danny McBride Franco! Good morning, sunshine!

James Franco Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food!

Jonah Hill Danny!

Danny McBride No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys!

Seth Rogen Stop eating!

Jay Baruchel Don’t eat another piece of bacon!

Danny McBride Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the ] can fucking afford some more bacon.

[[w:Green Goblin|Green Goblin]

Craig Robinson Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!

Danny McBride Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.

Seth Rogen Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!

Danny McBride James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.

Seth Rogen Do you actually not know what happened last night?

Jonah Hill Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.

Danny McBride Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities.

Craig Robinson Dude, ]’s dead, ] is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.

[[w:Jason Segel|Segel; [w:David Krumholtz|Krumholtz]

Danny McBride Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh?

[laughing]

Jay Baruchel Jesus, Danny!

Danny McBride Michael Cera’s dead.

Jay Baruchel It’s not like that.

James Franco It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.

Danny McBride Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in ], huh? Jonah, you’re fucking sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities.

[[The Green Hornet (film)|Green Hornet]

Jonah Hill Fatalities.

Danny McBride Okay, now that was good. That was good.

Seth Rogen Does it seem like we’re fucking joking?

This Is the End

Confronting Unacceptable Behavior Among Friends

Emma Watson Back the fuck up!

[Holding an axe]

James Franco Emma, what's wrong?

Seth Rogen W-W-W-What's wrong?

Emma Watson What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.

All No! No, no, no, no!

Seth Rogen I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... OH!

[Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe]

Jay Baruchel Holy shit!

Emma Watson BACK UP!

[swishes her axe around]

Jonah Hill It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...

Emma Watson GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!

Seth Rogen There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!

Emma Watson I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND!

[chops off a fake penis using her axe]

Craig Robinson GIVE HER DRINKS!

James Franco Okay!

Craig Robinson GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Danny McBride Oh, God!

Craig Robinson PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Emma Watson HURRY THE FUCK UP!

Jay Baruchel Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!

Craig Robinson Don't give the Milky Way away!

Jay Baruchel Put the axe down now!

Danny McBride Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!

James Franco I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there.

[to Danny; to Emma]

Danny McBride ] just stole all of our shit.

[[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione]

Craig Robinson Little bitty ass, um, 20-year-old jacked us.

Danny McBride Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.

Jay Baruchel I didn't... I was just... I...

Danny McBride I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.

Craig Robinson So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.

This Is the End

Restroom Access Denied for Non-Customers

Father Excuse me, would it be possible for my daughter to use your restroom? She's really got to go.

Cashier Read the sign. Customers only.

Father Seriously?

Cashier Why the fuck you think I put up the sign?

Daughter It's okay, Dad. I can hold it.

Father Let's just buy something for your mother.

Seth Rogen (watching the conversation) This cash register lady is mean! I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me? (Shows Jay a Milky Way) When I'm stoned, I can't do this.

Jay Baruchel I think I'm just gonna head back to your place. I'm not really liking it very much over there at Franco's.

Seth Rogen Dude, I want you to get to know these guys. That's never gonna happen if you don't put in any effort whatsoever, okay?

Jay Baruchel I hate it in there. I just want to drink some pop and smoke some weed...

Seth Rogen Are you okay?

Cashier (freaking out) DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL...

Jay Baruchel OH MY GOD!! JESUS!! JESUS!!!

Seth Rogen Oh my god, run! RUN! This way!!

Jay Baruchel Jesus, okay! Okay! AAGGH!!!

Seth Rogen OH SHIT!!

Jay Baruchel OH MY GOD!!

Jay Baruchel JESUS CHRIST, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING ME DOWN HERE?!?!

Seth Rogen GAAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, SHIT SHIT!!!

Seth Rogen We're going back to Franco's!!

Jay Baruchel WHY?!

Seth Rogen Just trust me, keep running!

Jay Baruchel OH MY FUCK!!!

[Reacting to the crash]

Seth Rogen WE ARE GOING BACK TO FRANCO'S!!

Jay Baruchel Oh, goddamnit!!

Jay Baruchel Quotes

Memorable Quotes from Jay Baruchel

find it. watch it.