Jonah HillQuotes

Schmidt: There's a microchip in this dough.

Culinary School Villain: Old family receipt. Let's keep it a secret.

Culinary School Villain: [Jenko throws a knife at the Culinary School Villain's chest] Oh, shit!

Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...

Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?

Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!

Mr. Walters: Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?

Eric Molson: You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.

Jenko: Did you get Mercedes?

Schmidt: Yes, all my myself!

Jenko: Really?

Schmidt: ...Mainly by myself!

Captain Dickson: This time, foreign exchange students!

Schmidt: Awesome!

Jenko: Yes!

Captain Dickson: In Russia!

Jenko: What?

Schmidt: [while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!

Jenko: Oh, shit! Is that it?

Schmidt: No, that's my dick!

Jenko: What about that?

Schmidt: That's my dick also!

Jenko: Why is it hard?

Schmidt: I'm so full of adrenalin right now!

Schmidt: [about Jenko] He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.

Jenko: I'm really, really glad you're back, Schmidt.

Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

Captain Dickson: Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

Schmidt: [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.

Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!

Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein a little bitch.

Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin nuts off.

Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

Schmidt: Say something cool when you throw it!

Jenko: One, two, three!

Jenko: Something cool!

Schmidt: [[Runaway Bride (film)|Runaway Bride; [Julia Roberts] Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, ]. ]. Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.

Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?

Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!

Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!

Jenko: Hey, captain!

Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to unfuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

Schmidt: Thanks!

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you unfuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

Jenko: What?

Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we bout to jump in yo ass.

Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.

Schmidt: Right in the crack.

Mrs. Dickson: So, how did you and Doug meet?

Maya: We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

Captain Dickson: Stalked you? And then what happened?

Maya: Then, we hung out and watched a movie.

Maya: [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.

Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?

Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

Schmidt: Yo Sleepy, whassup, homie? Everyone saying at the barrio that "Sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit!" My partner here wanna see that product.

Scarface: [pointing at Jenko] Why ain't he talking?

Jenko: [after a moment of silence; in a high-pitched voice] My name Jeff!

Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.

Schmidt: Mmhmm.

Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people wo do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.

Jenko: Shit.

Jenko: [is asked if he knows the Miranda rights] Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...

Schmidt: [whispers] You have the right to an attorney.

Jenko: You have the right to remain... an attorney.

Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.

Jenko: Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?

Schmidt: Oh, I am.

Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.

Schmidt: [referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth] I looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.

Tom Hanson: [pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko] Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!

Tom Hanson: On your knees now!

Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

Domingo: What the...

Officer Doug Penhall: Put your guns on the ground!

Schmidt: Yes! Yes!

Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!

Schmidt: We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.

Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!

Tom Hanson: Tough titty, I fucked her too!

Domingo: What?

Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!

Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.

Tom Hanson: We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!

Officer Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.

Tom Hanson: What?

Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.

Jenko: Hey, man, look we know what it's like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.

Tom Hanson: You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.

Jenko: What? That's crazy, man!

Tom Hanson: Yeah!

Jenko: [raiding the evidence locker for drugs to take to their party] Got a pound of coke.

Schmidt: We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.

Jenko: Pound of marijuana?

Schmidt: Best party ever!

Jenko: Booyah!

Jenko: [while passing different cliques] Those are jocks, those are nerds...

Jenko: I don't know what those are...

Schmidt: What the fuck are those things?

Captain Dickson: New assignment. Since you two boys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.

Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland!

Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!

Schmidt: Yes!

Jenko: No!

Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?

Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...

Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...

Captain Dickson: [going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko] That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...

Schmidt: Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...

Captain Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say, "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.

Captain Dickson: He's white, that means people actually give shit.

Schmidt: Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.

Leo Koenig: You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?

Bob: What the fuck is he doing here?

Evan: It's ok he saved us!

Franklin: Ya he came in here jackin dicks left and right.

Evan: [Looking at green gunge] Wait a second. I've seen this stuff before.

Franklin: Had you just won a Kids choice award?

Jamarcus: [about the uniforms] Can I just say, Bob, that these are the shits?

Franklin: Just "the shit.

Jamarcus: These are just shit.

Jamarcus: I have this one scenario in my mind. I kinda hope it plays out like this: young, sexy, Asian housewife, alone at night, frightened. A noise out by the trash cans. Best call the neighborhood watch. I show up, look heroic, and then... get this - she sucks my balls.

Franklin: I'm also interested in that happening to me.

Kate Dibiasky: Am I to understand correctly that, after all the information you've received today, the decision you're making is to "sit tight and assess"?

Jason Orlean: I'm sorry, who is she?

Kate Dibiasky: Who the fuck are you? Aren't you her son?

Jason Orlean: I'm the fucking Chief of Staff, Boy with the Dragon Tattoo. So I'm doing fine.

President Orlean: Mmm-hmm. So how certain is this?

Dr. Randall Mindy: There's 100% certainty of impact.

President Orlean: Please, don't say 100%.

Old Aide #2: Can we just call it a potentiality significant event?

President Orlean: Yeah.

Kate Dibiasky: But it isn't potentially going to happen. It is going to happen.

Dr. Randall Mindy: Exactly, 99.78% to be exact.

Jason Orlean: Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.

Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: Well, scientists never like to say 100%.

President Orlean: Call it 70% and let's just move on.

Kate Dibiasky: But it's not even close to 70%.

President Orlean: You cannot go around saying to people that there's 100% chance that they're going to die. You know? It's just nuts.

Jason Orlean: [to Kate] You do not have clearance for this, sweetheart. Don't trip. I got you some crackers, some waters...

Dr. Randall Mindy: You don't need to throw it on the floor.

Jason Orlean: What up, y'all? I'm the last man on Earth. Shit's all fucked up. Don't forget to like and subscribe. We out here.

Jason Orlean: Man... I timed this Molly perfectly.

Jason Orlean: But I also want to give a prayer for stuff. There’s dope stuff, like material stuff, like sick apartments and watches, and cars, and clothes and shit that could all go away and I don’t wanna see that stuff go away. So I’m gonna say a prayer for that stuff. Amen.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: or do you want it without your cake?

Aldous Snow: I don't drink.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...

Aldous Snow: Okay.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [''Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent''] Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!

Aldous Snow: That stupid English voice, was that me?

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.

Aldous Snow: I'll listen to it when you've gone.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?

Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Just not at all?

Aldous Snow: No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [''Whispers''; ''Walks away''] Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip! You fucking dick!

Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.

Sarah Marshall: [after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine] So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

Aldous Snow: [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice; notices the spill and laughs; laughing] Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... Ultimately, that is... Oh, no! Not the shirt! Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.

Aldous Snow: [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs] Um, garcon, could we get some...

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous: [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert] No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you.

Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

Rachel Jansen: [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.] Oh, good!

Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?

Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen: [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. I like living here.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [into the phone, deadpan; notices Peter approaching] Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?

Peter Bretter: Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?

Peter Bretter: No.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: Or, your girlfriend?

Peter Bretter: No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: You're just... by yourself?

Peter Bretter: Yeah.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: [leads him to his table] Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.

Peter Bretter: I'll be all right, thank you.

Matthew Van Der Wyk: I just would be so depressed.

Jay: [sees Alison, embarrassed] Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin rock this shit!

Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin stuffed animal!

Jay: You're embarrassing me in front of company!

Jonah: You embarrass yourself!

Martin: Do you ever get so bored, you stare at your balls?

Jonah: [[John Lennon] I bet you do, late ].

Jonah: I can't believe you didn't wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?

Jason: Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use em, man?

Jonah: I can't believe you did this. You messed everything up.

Jason: The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.

Jonah: Well that's true. Everyone knows that.

Jason: What goes up must come down.

Billy Beane: I made one decision in my life based on money. And I swore I would never do it again.

Peter Brand: You're not doing it for the money.

Billy Beane: No?

Peter Brand: No. You're doing it for what the money says. And it says what it says to any player that makes big money. That they're worth it.

Billy Beane: It's hard not to be romantic about baseball. This kind of thing, it's fun for the fans. It sells tickets and hot dogs. Doesn't mean anything.

Peter Brand: [[w:List of Major League Baseball longest winning streaks|we just won twenty games in a row] Billy, ].

Billy Beane: And what's the point?

Peter Brand: We just got the record.

Billy Beane: Man, I've been doing this for... listen, man. I've been in this game a long time. I'm not in it for a record, I'll tell you that. I'm not in it for a ring. That's when people get hurt. If we don't win the last game of the Series, they'll dismiss us.

Peter Brand: Billy...

Billy Beane: I know these guys. I know the way they think, and they will erase us. And everything we've done here, none of it'll matter. Any other team wins the World Series, good for them. They're drinking champagne, they get a ring. But if we win, on our budget, with this team... we'll have changed the game. And that's what I want. I want it to mean something.

Billy Beane: Look, I need a little help on defense. - Okay.

Billy Beane: I'm willing to trade Jeremy Giambi for it.

Peter Brand: What?

Peter Brand: What are you doing?

Billy Beane: Cleaning house.

Billy Beane: Maybe what?

Peter Brand: No.

Billy Beane: Why not?

Peter Brand: Because you can't trade Jeremy Giambi.

Billy Beane: He'll be fine, Ed.

Billy Beane: I'm not. You're picking mine. Giambi's name alone is worth more.

Billy Beane: Nothing. Can we say it's done in theory and start drawing up the paperwork?

Billy Beane: Great.

Peter Brand: He was gonna say something else.

Billy Beane: When you get the answer you're looking for, hang up. Suzanne.

Billy Beane: David Dombrowski.

Billy Beane: And Peña's going too.

Peter Brand: I don't think you should do that. I really don't think you should do that.

Billy Beane: I want Hatteberg in the lineup tonight.

Peter Brand: You need to take a minute. I think you seriously need to think about what you're doing. Because you're upset.

Billy Beane: Okay. What am I missing?

Peter Brand: These are hard moves to explain to people.

Billy Beane: Why is that a problem, Pete?

Peter Brand: Don't make an emotional decision, Billy.

Billy Beane: Look, we're gonna shake things up. Dave. Peña's going on the block. You're my first call. Because he's making the rest of the team look bad. He's gonna be a Rookie of the Year.

Peter Brand: Probably an All-Star.

Billy Beane: He's an All-Star, Dave. No. I want a reliever and cash. Okay. You got five minutes, Dave. I'm not waiting.

Peter Brand: Billy, Peña is an All-Star, okay? And if you dump him and this Hatteberg thing doesn't work out... you know this is... This is the kind of decision that gets you fired. It is.

Billy Beane: Yes, you're right. I may lose my job. In which case I'm a 44-year-old guy with a high school diploma... and a daughter I'd like to be able to send to college. You're 25 years old, with a degree from Yale... and a pretty impressive apprenticeship. I don't think we're asking the right question. I think the question we should be asking is... do you believe in this thing or not?

Peter Brand: I do.

Billy Beane: It's a problem you think we need to explain ourselves. Don't. To anyone.

Peter Brand: Okay.

Billy Beane: Now, I'm gonna see this thing through, for better or worse. Just tell me, do you project we'll win more with Hatteberg or Peña at first?

Peter Brand: It's close... but theoretically, Hatteberg.

Billy Beane: [[w:Jason Giambi|Giambi] Guys, you're still trying to replace ]. I told you we can't do it, and we can't do it. Now, what we might be able to do is re-create him. Re-create him in the aggregate.

Grady Fuson: The what?

Billy Beane: [[w:On-base percentage|on-base percentage; [w:Johnny Damon|Damon; [w:Olmedo Sáenz|Olmedo; snapping his fingers and pointing at Pete] Giambi's ] was .477. ]'s on-base, .324. And ]'s was .291. Add that up, and you get...

Peter Brand: Do you want me to speak?

Billy Beane: When I point at you, yeah.

Peter Brand: 1.092.

Billy Beane: [snapping] Divided by three.

Peter Brand: .364.

Billy Beane: [snapping] That's what we're looking for. Three ballplayers... three ballplayers whose average OBP is...

Peter Brand: .364.

Peter Brand: [Pointing to numbers on a white board; Pulls out code from a computer] Using this equation in the upper left... I'm projecting that we need to win at least 99 games... in order to make it to the postseason. We need to score at least 814 runs in order to win those games... and allow no more than 645 runs.

Billy Beane: What's this?

Peter Brand: This is a code that I've written for our year-to-year projections. This is building in the intelligence that we have to project players.

Billy Beane: Okay.

Peter Brand: [[Bill James; Pulls up a player's statistics; [w:Chad Bradford|Chad Bradford; [w:Submarine (baseball)|throws funny] It's about getting things down to one number. Using the stats the way we read them... we'll find value in players that nobody else can see. People are overlooked... for a variety of biased reasons and perceived flaws. Age, appearance, personality. ] and mathematics cut straight through that. Billy, of the 20,000 notable players for us to consider, I believe that there is a championship team... of 25 people that we can afford, because everyone else in baseball undervalues them. Like.... an island of misfit toys. Billy, this is ]. He's a relief pitcher. He is one of the most undervalued players in baseball. His defect is that he ]. Nobody in the big leagues cares about him because he looks funny. This guy could be not just the best pitcher in our pen... but one of the most effective relief pitchers in all baseball. This guy should cost $3 million a year. We can get him for 237,000.

Peter Brand: What...what time is it?

Billy Beane: [[w:1980 Major League Baseball draft|the first round] I don't know. Pete, would you have taken me in ]?

Peter Brand: What?

Billy Beane: After we talked, you looked me up. Would you have taken me in the first round?

Peter Brand: Yeah, I looked you up. You...you were pretty good.

Billy Beane: Cut the crap, Pete. Would you have taken me in the first round?

Peter Brand: [[w:Stanford Cardinal baseball|that scholarship] ...I would've taken you in the ninth round. No signing bonus. I think that would've convinced you to take ].

Billy Beane: [brief pause] Pack your bags, Pete. I just bought you from the Cleveland Indians.

Peter Brand: [[w:Johnny Damon|Johnny Damon] There is an epidemic failure within the game to understand what is really happening. And this leads people who run Major League Baseball teams to misjudge their players and mismanage their teams. I apologize. (Billy Beane: Go on.) Okay. People who run ball clubs, they think in terms of buying players. Your goal shouldn't be to buy players, your goal should be to buy wins. And in order to buy wins, you need to buy runs. You're trying to replace ]. The Boston Red Sox see Johnny Damon and they see a star who's worth seven and half million dollars a year. When I see Johnny Damon, what I see is... is... an imperfect understanding of where runs come from. The guy's got a great glove. He's a decent leadoff hitter. He can steal bases. But is he worth the seven and half million dollars a year that the Boston Red Sox are paying him? No. No. Baseball thinking is medieval. They are asking all the wrong questions. And if I say it to anybody, I'm-I'm ostracized. I'm-I'm-I'm a leper. So that's why I'm-I'm cagey about this with you. That's why I... I respect you, Mr. Beane, and if you want full disclosure, I think it's a good thing that you got Damon off your payroll. I think it opens up all kinds of interesting possibilities.

Jay Baruchel: [trying to perform an exorcism] The power of Christ compels you!

Jonah Hill: [possessed] Guess what? It's not that compelling.

Seth Rogen: Jay, are you serious right now? That’s your fucking plan? You gonna repeat line from The Exorcist?

Seth Rogen: That is so fucking good.

James Franco: The two heroes over here breaking through the floor.

Seth Rogen: We did break through the floor.

Jay Baruchel: Any of you guys would have done the same thing.

Seth Rogen: Oh, man, that fucking hurt.

Jay Baruchel: Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again.

Seth Rogen: I think I did.

Jonah Hill: Hey, what year is this?

Jay Baruchel: 19…

Seth Rogen: That’s a good… That’s a good year.

Craig Robinson: [turns his attention to McBride about to pour water] Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin?!

Danny McBride: [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim] What am I doing?

Seth Rogen: Fuck, man!

Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!

Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.

Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.

James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.

Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the fuck is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.

Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.

Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] I just think that everybody should have the fucking same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONAH!

James Franco: You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.

Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fuckin punch line.

James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!

Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.

Seth Rogen: Good.

James Franco: Alright.

Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY FUCKING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!

James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.

Emma Watson: [Holding an axe] Back the fuck up!

James Franco: Emma, what's wrong?

Seth Rogen: W-W-W-What's wrong?

Emma Watson: What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.

All: No! No, no, no, no!

Seth Rogen: [Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe] I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... OH!

Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!

Emma Watson: [swishes her axe around] BACK UP!

Jonah Hill: It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...

Emma Watson: GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!

Seth Rogen: There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!

Emma Watson: [chops off a fake penis using her axe] I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND!

Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS!

James Franco: Okay!

Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Danny McBride: Oh, God!

Craig Robinson: PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Emma Watson: HURRY THE FUCK UP!

Jay Baruchel: Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!

Craig Robinson: Don't give the Milky Way away!

Jay Baruchel: Put the axe down now!

Danny McBride: Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!

James Franco: [to Danny; to Emma] I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there.

Danny McBride: [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione] ] just stole all of our shit.

Craig Robinson: Little bitty ass, um, 20-year-old jacked us.

Danny McBride: Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.

Jay Baruchel: I didn't... I was just... I...

Danny McBride: I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.

Craig Robinson: So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.

James Franco: [after sending [[w:Emma Watson|Emma Watson] ] to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here?

Seth Rogen: Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want.

James Franco: That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven.

Danny McBride: [[w: Harry Potter|Harry Potter] This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive ] fan.

James Franco: What?

Danny McBride: [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter] Yes. I love fucking ]. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures.

James Franco: [[w:Dumble Dore|Dumble Dore] Take it easy, ].

Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco: That's racist.

Jay Baruchel: I wasn’t referring to him. I was referring to the issue that’s on all of our minds.

James Franco: What?

Jay Baruchel: This is one girl in a house with six males.

James Franco: Real safe.

Seth Rogen: Ideal scenario.

Craig Robinson: She’s like a little sister.

Jay Baruchel: I think that she needs… It’s important that she feels safe. And comfortable. And we should be mindful.

Craig Robinson: Who’s making her not feel safe?

Jay Baruchel: Well, I’m just saying we should… We don’t wanna give off a bad vibe.

James Franco: Vibes? I ain’t got no vibes.

Seth Rogen: Wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?

Danny McBride: He’s talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.

All: Whoa!

Craig Robinson: Jesus.

James Franco: Jay, what the fuck, man?

Seth Rogen: Chill out dude.

James Franco: Why you putting that shit in the mix?

Jay Baruchel: He fucking said it!

Danny McBride: You’re the one saying it. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.

James Franco: Well, you talking about vibes is the only thing that’s rapey going on right now.

Seth Rogen: Dude, nothing was rapey until you brought up the rapey vibe.

James Franco: Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.

Seth Rogen: True that, dude.

James Franco: One who denies it supplies it.

Jay Baruchel: I know, it’s farts, I get it.

Jonah Hill: Guys, guys, guys. Jay’s not rapey. Jay couldn’t rape a fly.

Seth Rogen: He probably could.

Craig Robinson: Maybe we should stop this entire conversation right now.

James Franco: If anyone’s gonna rape anyone here, it’s probably gonna be Danny.

Danny McBride: What the fuck, Franco?

James Franco: What?

Danny McBride: Why do you think I’m gonna rape somebody?

James Franco: I’m just trying to lay it out here.

Danny McBride: I’m not gonna rape anyone, all right? If anyone’s gonna rape somebody, it’s Jay. He came up with the rape idea and his face looks like the police sketch of a fucking rapist.

James Franco: True.

Jay Baruchel: What the fuck does that mean?

Danny McBride: If anybody’s raping Emma Watson, it’s fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.

James Franco: Earthquakes cause tsunamis.

Seth Rogen: Yes.

James Franco: Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.

Danny McBride: I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.

Seth Rogen: Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.

Jonah Hill: Sinkhole de Mayo.

Seth Rogen: Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.

Craig Robinson: Let’s hear it.

Jay Baruchel: I think it’s the Apocalypse.

James Franco: What?

Jay Baruchel: [holds up a Bible] I’m serious, boys. It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.

James Franco: You took my Bible?

Jay Baruchel: [starts reading the Bible] Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.

Craig Robinson: The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.

James Franco: Coldwater.

Seth Rogen: I take Laurel Canyon.

Jonah Hill: Cahuegna.

Danny McBride: I usually cup down Barham.

Jay Baruchel: Boys, can I just fricking finish?

Craig Robinson: I love Laurel Canyon.

Jay Baruchel: [continues reading] “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”

Craig Robinson: [[Where the Wild Things Are] I love that dude. He’s from ].

James Franco: It’s a load of bullshit.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not bullshit.

James Franco: You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.

Craig Robinson: I’m straight-up lovable, son.

James Franco: And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Danny McBride: Franco! Good morning, sunshine!

James Franco: Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food!

Jonah Hill: Danny!

Danny McBride: No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys!

Seth Rogen: Stop eating!

Jay Baruchel: Don’t eat another piece of bacon!

Danny McBride: [[w:Green Goblin|Green Goblin] Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the ] can fucking afford some more bacon.

Craig Robinson: Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!

Danny McBride: Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.

Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!

Danny McBride: James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.

Seth Rogen: Do you actually not know what happened last night?

Jonah Hill: Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.

Danny McBride: Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities.

Craig Robinson: [[w:Jason Segel|Segel; [w:David Krumholtz|Krumholtz] Dude, ]’s dead, ] is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.

Danny McBride: [laughing] Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh?

Jay Baruchel: Jesus, Danny!

Danny McBride: Michael Cera’s dead.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not like that.

James Franco: It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.

Danny McBride: [[The Green Hornet (film)|Green Hornet] Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in ], huh? Jonah, you’re fucking sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities.

Jonah Hill: Fatalities.

Danny McBride: Okay, now that was good. That was good.

Seth Rogen: Does it seem like we’re fucking joking?

Seth Rogen: [after the group inventories the remaining food] Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this?

Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

Jay Baruchel: That's weird.

James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.

Jonah Hill: Guys.

Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

James Franco: [To Craig] I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.

Craig Robinson: I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.

James Franco: I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.

Craig Robinson: You couldn't handle my midriff.

Jonah Hill: Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.

Jay Baruchel: For fuck's sake.

Jonah Hill: No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.

Jay Baruchel: What?

James Franco: Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?

Seth Rogen: One finger scoop of Nutella.

Jonah Hill: Fair.

James Franco: I’m going to bed.

Jay Baruchel: Jesus fucking…

James Franco: Don’t touch that Milky Way, Jonah.

Jonah Hill: Night, James.

Seth Rogen: [taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house; [w:Nutella|Nutella; [w:Cinnamon Toast Crunch|C.T. Crunch; [w:Milky Way (chocolate bar)|Milky Way; [w:Sour Diesel|Sour Diesel] We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, ], cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, ], milk, ketchup, a ], a half-ounce of ], 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.

James Franco: [correcting Seth; [127 Hours] ].

Seth Rogen: [[127 Hours; [Flyboys] Uh... ], and a functioning revolver from the movie ].

James Franco: [picks up the gun''] Old faithful.

Jay Baruchel: Jesus.

James Franco: Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.

Seth Rogen: Yeah.

James Franco: This is an actual revolver.

Seth Rogen: I see, yeah.

Craig Robinson: Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?

James Franco: Loaded.

Jonah Hill: Love it.

Jay Baruchel: Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?

James Franco: I always keep my props.

Jay Baruchel: That’s really cool.

James Franco: Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.

Jonah Hill: He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.

James Franco: It’s real. It’s heavy.

Jonah Hill: Let me see it like that.

Craig Robinson: Goddamn!

Seth Rogen: Come on, guys! You could kill…

James Franco: Careful.

Jonah Hill: [pretends to shoot it] Bang, bang!

Jay Baruchel: Jesus!

Seth Rogen: Please put it down!

Jay Baruchel: Oh, fuck!

Jonah Hill: Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!

Jay Baruchel: I hope you’re fucking happy.

Jonah Hill: Pow, pow, pow!

Seth Rogen: Stop- Guys, stop fucking with the gun!

Jay Baruchel: Jesus. Jesus!

Jonah Hill: Pow! Pow! Bang!

Seth Rogen: It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.

Jonah Hill: Guys, it’s funny.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.

Jonah Hill: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.

All: No!

Seth Rogen: Don’t do that Jonah!

Jay Baruchel: Jesus!

James Franco: Jonah, give it back.

Jonah Hill: [puts the gun in his mouth] I don’t know! I don’t know!

James Franco: Don’t do that!

Seth Rogen: Oh, dude!

Jay Baruchel: Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!

Craig Robinson: Would you put the thing down?!

Jonah Hill: The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.

Jonah Hill: ['''Seth Rogen''': '''DON'T TITTY-FUCK ME!'''] I'm gonna titty-fuck you, Seth. What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH EM TOGETHER!

Jonah Hill: You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of Kingdom Come. Judgement Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!

Jonah Hill: Something, um, not that chill happened last night.

Jonah Hill: [[Moneyball (film)|Moneyball] Dear God, I'd like to pray for a second. It's me, Jonah Hill...from ].

Jonah Hill: [[George Clooney|Clooney; [Sandra Bullock] If a huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll get ], ], me. If there's room, you guys will come.

Seth: You fucking prick!

Evan: What?

Seth: You bailed on me.

Evan: I didn't bail on you.

Seth: Yeah, you did. You said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it. That's "bailing"!

Evan: You're the one that drive me to that fucking party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you!

Seth: You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year!

Evan: [scoffs] The fu— It finally comes out. That's good, man.

Seth: We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together, and you got into fucking DARTMOUTH!

Evan: You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school!

Seth: How the FUCK am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth—

Evan: How fucking selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there. You obviously don't want me going to a good school.

Seth: Fuck, man!

Evan: So what the fuck do you want?! I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth!

Seth: [in shock] What are you saying?

Evan: I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking BULLSHIT with you, man! Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I've just sat around wasting all my time with you! And now because of you, I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin!

Seth: Is this about Becca? Is this about some girl, man?

Evan: I like her!

Seth: Who gives a fuck? She's a fucking girl! What, are you gonna go out with her for two years? What about after that?

Evan: Fuck you, man! You're a piece of shit.

Seth: [punches Evan] Fuck you! And next time you're pissed off about something, don't keep it inside for ten years! Say it like a fucking man!

Evan: Don't touch me.

Seth: Fuck you!

Evan: Do you want to get killed for liquor?

Seth: No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!

Evan: Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?

Seth: No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since Nam!

Seth: You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.

Evan: I should buy Becca alcohol?

Seth: Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have fucked that guy!" We could be that mistake!

Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field!

Evan: Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.

Seth: [Catches breath] Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick... in and around her mouth.

Evan: Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?

Seth: Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to fuck, man. P and Vagi, she wants to fuck, man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.

Evan: You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.

Seth: No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.

Fogell: Yo, guys! What's up?

Evan: Fogell, where have you been, man?

Seth: You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?

Fogell: No, no, man. I got it. It is flawless. Check it!

Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. Alright, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to...McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah.

Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell: No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth: And you landed on McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah. It was between that and Muhammad.

Seth: Why the fuck would it between that and Muhammad? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell: Muhammad" is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once!

Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named "Muhammad"?

Fogell: Have you actually ever met anyone named "McLovin"?

Seth: No! That's why you picked a dumb fucking name!

Fogell: Fuck you!

Seth: Give me that. Alright, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name. It just says "McLovin"!

Evan: What?! One name? One name? Who are you, Seal?

Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face! Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. How many 21-year-olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, alright?

Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's...it's a fine ID. It'll...it's going to work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either going to think, "Here's another kid with a fake ID," or "Here's McLovin, a 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor." Okay? So, what's it gonna be?

Fogell: [grinning] I am McLovin!

Seth: No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made-up, dumb motherfucking fairy tale name, you fuck!

Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.

Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, Miroki. I'm getting impatient up here.

Seth: [[W:tiramisu|tiramisu] I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's BS. ...Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke, no offense, it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit. And I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't need to cook ]. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin break! ...I'm sorry for cursing.

Teacher: Alright, Jules partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.

Seth: Jules? Alright, I'll give it another shot—give home-ec another shot.

Evan: [talking about porn sites] You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean, that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.

Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern.

Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.

Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?

Evan: No.

Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.

Seth: You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?

Evan: Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?

Seth: Yeah.

Evan: I guess so, but she was insanely hot.

Seth: Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!

Evan: How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs.

Seth: Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.

Evan: [smirks; [W:Orson Welles|Orson Welles] You're like ].

Seth: Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!

Evan: Look at those nipples.

Seth: They're like little baby toes.

Evan: It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Seth: [about Evan's mom] I am TRULY jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.

Evan: Yeah, well... least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Seth: Do you have any normal-sized clothes or do you only shop at the Baby Gap?

Seth: Are you insane?! Look at Jules's dating record. She dated Dan Remmeck, who's had a six-pack since like kindergarten; Jason Stone, who looks like Zack Morris; and Matt Muer, he's the sweetest guy! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Seth: What, you think Becca's going to be psyched that you brought a bottle of lube? "Oh, Evan! Thank you so much for bringing that lube for my pussy! I could never handle your fucking four-inch dick inside my pussy without your gigantic bottle of LUBE!" These girls are 18 years old. They aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!

Donnie Azoff: [urinating on his [[W:subpoena|subpoena; [United States|U.S.A.] Fuck you, ] Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Donnie Azoff: ['''Brad''': From Fucksville, huh?; [Theft|looting; [rape|raping] Oh, my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it... is it mayhem? Are people ] and ]? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?