Jonah Hill Quotes

Moneyball

A Question of Trust and Opportunity

Peter Brand What...what time is it?

Billy Beane I don't know. Pete, would you have taken me in ]?

[[w:1980 Major League Baseball draft|the first round]

Peter Brand What?

Billy Beane After we talked, you looked me up. Would you have taken me in the first round?

Peter Brand Yeah, I looked you up. You...you were pretty good.

Billy Beane Cut the crap, Pete. Would you have taken me in the first round?

Peter Brand ...I would've taken you in the ninth round. No signing bonus. I think that would've convinced you to take ].

[[w:Stanford Cardinal baseball|that scholarship]

Billy Beane Pack your bags, Pete. I just bought you from the Cleveland Indians.

[brief pause]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Misunderstood Intentions in Teenage Relationships

Gym Teacher Seth, get off the field!

Evan Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.

Seth Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick... in and around her mouth.

[Catches breath]

Evan Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?

Seth Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to fuck, man. P and Vagi, she wants to fuck, man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.

Evan You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.

Seth No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Moneyball

Re-creating Players Through Aggregate Statistics

Billy Beane Guys, you're still trying to replace ]. I told you we can't do it, and we can't do it. Now, what we might be able to do is re-create him. Re-create him in the aggregate.

[[w:Jason Giambi|Giambi]

Grady Fuson The what?

Billy Beane Giambi's ] was .477. ]'s on-base, .324. And ]'s was .291. Add that up, and you get...

[[w:On-base percentage|on-base percentage; [w:Johnny Damon|Damon; [w:Olmedo Sáenz|Olmedo; snapping his fingers and pointing at Pete]

Peter Brand Do you want me to speak?

Billy Beane When I point at you, yeah.

Peter Brand 1.092.

Billy Beane Divided by three.

[snapping]

Peter Brand .364.

Billy Beane That's what we're looking for. Three ballplayers... three ballplayers whose average OBP is...

[snapping]

Peter Brand .364.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

A Call for Coolness in Action

Schmidt Say something cool when you throw it!

Jenko One, two, three!

Jenko Something cool!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Debate Over a Milky Way Bar

Seth Rogen Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this?

[after the group inventories the remaining food]

Jonah Hill Um, can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

Jay Baruchel That's weird.

James Franco It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

Seth Rogen I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.

Jonah Hill Guys.

Jay Baruchel A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

Seth Rogen Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

James Franco I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.

[To Craig]

Craig Robinson I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.

James Franco I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.

Craig Robinson You couldn't handle my midriff.

Jonah Hill Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.

Jay Baruchel For fuck's sake.

Jonah Hill No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.

Jay Baruchel What?

James Franco Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?

Seth Rogen One finger scoop of Nutella.

Jonah Hill Fair.

James Franco I’m going to bed.

Jay Baruchel Jesus fucking…

James Franco Don’t touch that Milky Way, Jonah.

Jonah Hill Night, James.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

21 Jump Street

Confronting the Past in 21 Jump Street

Schmidt I looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.

[referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Disaster Theories Among Friends

James Franco Earthquakes cause tsunamis.

Seth Rogen Yes.

James Franco Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.

Danny McBride I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.

Seth Rogen Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.

Jonah Hill Sinkhole de Mayo.

Seth Rogen Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.

Jay Baruchel It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.

Craig Robinson Let’s hear it.

Jay Baruchel I think it’s the Apocalypse.

James Franco What?

Jay Baruchel I’m serious, boys. It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.

[holds up a Bible]

James Franco You took my Bible?

Jay Baruchel Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.

[starts reading the Bible]

Craig Robinson The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.

James Franco Coldwater.

Seth Rogen I take Laurel Canyon.

Jonah Hill Cahuegna.

Danny McBride I usually cup down Barham.

Jay Baruchel Boys, can I just fricking finish?

Craig Robinson I love Laurel Canyon.

Jay Baruchel “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”

[continues reading]

Craig Robinson I love that dude. He’s from ].

[[Where the Wild Things Are]

James Franco It’s a load of bullshit.

Jay Baruchel It’s not bullshit.

James Franco You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.

Craig Robinson I’m straight-up lovable, son.

James Franco And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

21 Jump Street

Unexpected College Assignment for the Duo

Captain Dickson New assignment. Since you two boys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.

Jenko Oh, I love Disneyland!

Captain Dickson You two sons of bitches are going to college!

Schmidt Yes!

Jenko No!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Don't Look Up

Last Man on Earth Speaks Out

Jason Orlean What up, y'all? I'm the last man on Earth. Shit's all fucked up. Don't forget to like and subscribe. We out here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

21 Jump Street

Keys to High School Coolness

Jenko The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.

Schmidt Mmhmm.

Jenko One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people wo do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.

Jenko Shit.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Concerns About Appearance Before a Date

Evan Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?

Seth No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since Nam!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Funny People

Frustration Over Missed Opportunity in Comedy

Leo Koenig You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Character Dynamics in a Comedic Exchange

Schmidt I don't sound like that.

[after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly]

Mr. Walters Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!

Eric Molson Ugh, Schmidt bein a little bitch.

[eyes closed]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Knocked Up

Boredom and Humorous Observations on Life

Martin Do you ever get so bored, you stare at your balls?

Jonah I bet you do, late ].

[[John Lennon]

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Don't Look Up

Miscommunication and Tension Among Characters

Jason Orlean You do not have clearance for this, sweetheart. Don't trip. I got you some crackers, some waters...

[to Kate]

Dr. Randall Mindy You don't need to throw it on the floor.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Prioritizing Actors in a Crisis Situation

Jonah Hill If a huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll get ], ], me. If there's room, you guys will come.

[[George Clooney|Clooney; [Sandra Bullock]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Inappropriate Gift for a Young Woman

Seth What, you think Becca's going to be psyched that you brought a bottle of lube? "Oh, Evan! Thank you so much for bringing that lube for my pussy! I could never handle your fucking four-inch dick inside my pussy without your gigantic bottle of LUBE!" These girls are 18 years old. They aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Childhood Jealousy and Awkward Conversations

Seth I am TRULY jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.

[about Evan's mom]

Evan Yeah, well... least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Knocked Up

Condom Misuse and Unconventional Advice

Jonah I can't believe you didn't wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?

Jason Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use em, man?

Jonah I can't believe you did this. You messed everything up.

Jason The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.

Jonah Well that's true. Everyone knows that.

Jason What goes up must come down.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Tension Between Officers Escalates in Scene

Captain Dickson Jenko, what are you doing, man?

Jenko Fuck you, Schmidt!

Captain Dickson Stop dicking around!

Jenko Hey, captain!

Captain Dickson Congratulations, you two. You managed to unfuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

Schmidt Thanks!

Captain Dickson I wish I could have you unfuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

[talking to Schmidt]

Captain Dickson Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

[talking to Schmidt and Jenko]

Jenko What?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

21 Jump Street

Expectations vs. Reality in Law Enforcement

Jenko Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?

Schmidt Oh, I am.

Jenko I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Frustration in a Cooking Class Dynamic

Seth I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

Teacher I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

Seth I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.

Evan Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, Miroki. I'm getting impatient up here.

[His partner is tying on his apron]

Seth I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's BS. ...Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke, no offense, it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit. And I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't need to cook ]. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin break! ...I'm sorry for cursing.

[[W:tiramisu|tiramisu]

Teacher Alright, Jules partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.

Seth Jules? Alright, I'll give it another shot—give home-ec another shot.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Don't Look Up

Perfect Timing in a Chaotic Moment

Jason Orlean Man... I timed this Molly perfectly.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Unexpected Revelations at an Apology

Schmidt Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...

Mr. Walters ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?

Jenko, Schmidt No, no, no, no!

Mr. Walters Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?

Eric Molson You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Planning a Wild Night at the Party

Seth You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.

Evan I should buy Becca alcohol?

Seth Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have fucked that guy!" We could be that mistake!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Questioning the Effectiveness of a Familiar Phrase

Jay Baruchel The power of Christ compels you!

[trying to perform an exorcism]

Jonah Hill Guess what? It's not that compelling.

[possessed]

Seth Rogen Jay, are you serious right now? That’s your fucking plan? You gonna repeat line from The Exorcist?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Misunderstanding in a Tense Situation

Schmidt There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!

[while hanging from a helicopter]

Jenko Oh, shit! Is that it?

Schmidt No, that's my dick!

Jenko What about that?

Schmidt That's my dick also!

Jenko Why is it hard?

Schmidt I'm so full of adrenalin right now!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

21 Jump Street

Confusion Between Social Groups in High School

Jenko Those are jocks, those are nerds...

[while passing different cliques]

Jenko I don't know what those are...

Schmidt What the fuck are those things?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Jump Street's Bold Approach to Law Enforcement

Captain Dickson We Jump Street, and we bout to jump in yo ass.

Jenko Mmmm-hmmm.

Schmidt Right in the crack.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Demo Submission and Personal Admiration

Matthew Van Der Wyk or do you want it without your cake?

Aldous Snow I don't drink.

Matthew Van Der Wyk All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...

Aldous Snow Okay.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!

[''Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent'']

Aldous Snow That stupid English voice, was that me?

Matthew Van Der Wyk Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.

Aldous Snow I'll listen to it when you've gone.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.

Matthew Van Der Wyk I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?

Aldous Snow Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Just not at all?

Aldous Snow No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip! You fucking dick!

[''Whispers''; ''Walks away'']

Aldous Snow I like him. That's quite moving.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Expressions of Frustration and Anger

Donnie Azoff Fuck you, ] Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

[urinating on his [[W:subpoena|subpoena; [United States|U.S.A.]

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This Is the End

Survival Supplies in a Crisis Situation

Seth Rogen We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, ], cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, ], milk, ketchup, a ], a half-ounce of ], 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.

[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house; [w:Nutella|Nutella; [w:Cinnamon Toast Crunch|C.T. Crunch; [w:Milky Way (chocolate bar)|Milky Way; [w:Sour Diesel|Sour Diesel]

James Franco ].

[correcting Seth; [127 Hours]

Seth Rogen Uh... ], and a functioning revolver from the movie ].

[[127 Hours; [Flyboys]

James Franco Old faithful.

[picks up the gun'']

Jay Baruchel Jesus.

James Franco Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.

Seth Rogen Yeah.

James Franco This is an actual revolver.

Seth Rogen I see, yeah.

Craig Robinson Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?

James Franco Loaded.

Jonah Hill Love it.

Jay Baruchel Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?

James Franco I always keep my props.

Jay Baruchel That’s really cool.

James Franco Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.

Jonah Hill He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.

James Franco It’s real. It’s heavy.

Jonah Hill Let me see it like that.

Craig Robinson Goddamn!

Seth Rogen Come on, guys! You could kill…

James Franco Careful.

Jonah Hill Bang, bang!

[pretends to shoot it]

Jay Baruchel Jesus!

Seth Rogen Please put it down!

Jay Baruchel Oh, fuck!

Jonah Hill Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!

Jay Baruchel I hope you’re fucking happy.

Jonah Hill Pow, pow, pow!

Seth Rogen Stop- Guys, stop fucking with the gun!

Jay Baruchel Jesus. Jesus!

Jonah Hill Pow! Pow! Bang!

Seth Rogen It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.

Jonah Hill Guys, it’s funny.

Jay Baruchel It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.

Jonah Hill I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.

All No!

Seth Rogen Don’t do that Jonah!

Jay Baruchel Jesus!

James Franco Jonah, give it back.

Jonah Hill I don’t know! I don’t know!

[puts the gun in his mouth]

James Franco Don’t do that!

Seth Rogen Oh, dude!

Jay Baruchel Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!

Craig Robinson Would you put the thing down?!

Jonah Hill The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Discussion on Food Preferences and Humor

James Franco ] to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here?

[after sending [[w:Emma Watson|Emma Watson]

Seth Rogen Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want.

James Franco That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven.

Danny McBride This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive ] fan.

[[w: Harry Potter|Harry Potter]

James Franco What?

Danny McBride Yes. I love fucking ]. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures.

[[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter]

James Franco Take it easy, ].

[[w:Dumble Dore|Dumble Dore]

Jay Baruchel Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

Seth Rogen Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco That's racist.

Jay Baruchel I wasn’t referring to him. I was referring to the issue that’s on all of our minds.

James Franco What?

Jay Baruchel This is one girl in a house with six males.

James Franco Real safe.

Seth Rogen Ideal scenario.

Craig Robinson She’s like a little sister.

Jay Baruchel I think that she needs… It’s important that she feels safe. And comfortable. And we should be mindful.

Craig Robinson Who’s making her not feel safe?

Jay Baruchel Well, I’m just saying we should… We don’t wanna give off a bad vibe.

James Franco Vibes? I ain’t got no vibes.

Seth Rogen Wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?

Danny McBride He’s talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.

All Whoa!

Craig Robinson Jesus.

James Franco Jay, what the fuck, man?

Seth Rogen Chill out dude.

James Franco Why you putting that shit in the mix?

Jay Baruchel He fucking said it!

Danny McBride You’re the one saying it. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.

James Franco Well, you talking about vibes is the only thing that’s rapey going on right now.

Seth Rogen Dude, nothing was rapey until you brought up the rapey vibe.

James Franco Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.

Seth Rogen True that, dude.

James Franco One who denies it supplies it.

Jay Baruchel I know, it’s farts, I get it.

Jonah Hill Guys, guys, guys. Jay’s not rapey. Jay couldn’t rape a fly.

Seth Rogen He probably could.

Craig Robinson Maybe we should stop this entire conversation right now.

James Franco If anyone’s gonna rape anyone here, it’s probably gonna be Danny.

Danny McBride What the fuck, Franco?

James Franco What?

Danny McBride Why do you think I’m gonna rape somebody?

James Franco I’m just trying to lay it out here.

Danny McBride I’m not gonna rape anyone, all right? If anyone’s gonna rape somebody, it’s Jay. He came up with the rape idea and his face looks like the police sketch of a fucking rapist.

James Franco True.

Jay Baruchel What the fuck does that mean?

Danny McBride If anybody’s raping Emma Watson, it’s fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

21 Jump Street

Misunderstanding Legal Rights in Conversation

Jenko Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...

[is asked if he knows the Miranda rights]

Schmidt You have the right to an attorney.

[whispers]

Jenko You have the right to remain... an attorney.

Deputy Chief Hardy Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

An Unconventional Meeting at a Party

Mrs. Dickson So, how did you and Doug meet?

Maya We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

Captain Dickson Stalked you? And then what happened?

Maya Then, we hung out and watched a movie.

Maya Actually, we watched it a couple times.

[pause for a second]

Captain Dickson This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?

Schmidt Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Apocalyptic Warning of Impending Doom

Jonah Hill You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of Kingdom Come. Judgement Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Breaking Through Together Amidst Chaos

Seth Rogen That is so fucking good.

James Franco The two heroes over here breaking through the floor.

Seth Rogen We did break through the floor.

Jay Baruchel Any of you guys would have done the same thing.

Seth Rogen Oh, man, that fucking hurt.

Jay Baruchel Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again.

Seth Rogen I think I did.

Jonah Hill Hey, what year is this?

Jay Baruchel 19…

Seth Rogen That’s a good… That’s a good year.

Craig Robinson Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin?!

[turns his attention to McBride about to pour water]

Danny McBride What am I doing?

[Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]

Seth Rogen Fuck, man!

Danny McBride What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

James Franco That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!

Seth Rogen Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.

Danny McBride Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.

James Franco You cannot have another glass of water.

Danny McBride Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the fuck is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.

Jonah Hill I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.

Danny McBride I just think that everybody should have the fucking same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONAH!

[mimicking Jonah]

James Franco You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.

Danny McBride You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fuckin punch line.

James Franco No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!

Danny McBride Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.

Seth Rogen Good.

James Franco Alright.

Danny McBride YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY FUCKING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!

James Franco GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

[aims his revolver at Danny]

Danny McBride That's what I thought. Nerd.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Misinterpretation of Education and Identity

Schmidt He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.

[about Jenko]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Moneyball

The Complexity of Baseball's Romance and Reality

Billy Beane It's hard not to be romantic about baseball. This kind of thing, it's fun for the fans. It sells tickets and hot dogs. Doesn't mean anything.

Peter Brand Billy, ].

[[w:List of Major League Baseball longest winning streaks|we just won twenty games in a row]

Billy Beane And what's the point?

Peter Brand We just got the record.

Billy Beane Man, I've been doing this for... listen, man. I've been in this game a long time. I'm not in it for a record, I'll tell you that. I'm not in it for a ring. That's when people get hurt. If we don't win the last game of the Series, they'll dismiss us.

Peter Brand Billy...

Billy Beane I know these guys. I know the way they think, and they will erase us. And everything we've done here, none of it'll matter. Any other team wins the World Series, good for them. They're drinking champagne, they get a ring. But if we win, on our budget, with this team... we'll have changed the game. And that's what I want. I want it to mean something.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Don't Look Up

A Prayer for Material Possessions

Jason Orlean But I also want to give a prayer for stuff. There’s dope stuff, like material stuff, like sick apartments and watches, and cars, and clothes and shit that could all go away and I don’t wanna see that stuff go away. So I’m gonna say a prayer for that stuff. Amen.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Discussing Online Content and Expectations

Evan You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean, that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.

[talking about porn sites]

Seth Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern.

Evan Right, I didn't realize that.

Seth Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?

Evan No.

Seth Not for me.

[shakes his head]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Moneyball

Statistical Projections for Baseball Success

Peter Brand Using this equation in the upper left... I'm projecting that we need to win at least 99 games... in order to make it to the postseason. We need to score at least 814 runs in order to win those games... and allow no more than 645 runs.

[Pointing to numbers on a white board; Pulls out code from a computer]

Billy Beane What's this?

Peter Brand This is a code that I've written for our year-to-year projections. This is building in the intelligence that we have to project players.

Billy Beane Okay.

Peter Brand It's about getting things down to one number. Using the stats the way we read them... we'll find value in players that nobody else can see. People are overlooked... for a variety of biased reasons and perceived flaws. Age, appearance, personality. ] and mathematics cut straight through that. Billy, of the 20,000 notable players for us to consider, I believe that there is a championship team... of 25 people that we can afford, because everyone else in baseball undervalues them. Like.... an island of misfit toys. Billy, this is ]. He's a relief pitcher. He is one of the most undervalued players in baseball. His defect is that he ]. Nobody in the big leagues cares about him because he looks funny. This guy could be not just the best pitcher in our pen... but one of the most effective relief pitchers in all baseball. This guy should cost $3 million a year. We can get him for 237,000.

[[Bill James; Pulls up a player's statistics; [w:Chad Bradford|Chad Bradford; [w:Submarine (baseball)|throws funny]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Moneyball

Value Beyond Money in Decision Making

Billy Beane I made one decision in my life based on money. And I swore I would never do it again.

Peter Brand You're not doing it for the money.

Billy Beane No?

Peter Brand No. You're doing it for what the money says. And it says what it says to any player that makes big money. That they're worth it.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Questioning the Absence of Authority

Donnie Azoff Oh, my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it... is it mayhem? Are people ] and ]? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

['''Brad''': From Fucksville, huh?; [Theft|looting; [rape|raping]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Comment on Clothing Size Choices

Seth Do you have any normal-sized clothes or do you only shop at the Baby Gap?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Bizarre Conversations Among Friends and Authority

Schmidt I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

Captain Dickson I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin nuts off.

Jenko What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

[to Schmidt]

Captain Dickson Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Friends Share Excitement Over a Secret Plan

Fogell Yo, guys! What's up?

Evan Fogell, where have you been, man?

Seth You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?

Fogell No, no, man. I got it. It is flawless. Check it!

Evan Hawaii. Alright, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to...McLovin?

[examining the fake ID]

Fogell Yeah.

Evan McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth And you landed on McLovin?

Fogell Yeah. It was between that and Muhammad.

Seth Why the fuck would it between that and Muhammad? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell Muhammad" is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once!

Evan Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named "Muhammad"?

Fogell Have you actually ever met anyone named "McLovin"?

Seth No! That's why you picked a dumb fucking name!

Fogell Fuck you!

Seth Give me that. Alright, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name. It just says "McLovin"!

Evan What?! One name? One name? Who are you, Seal?

Seth Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Fogell Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face! Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. How many 21-year-olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, alright?

Evan Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's...it's a fine ID. It'll...it's going to work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either going to think, "Here's another kid with a fake ID," or "Here's McLovin, a 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor." Okay? So, what's it gonna be?

Fogell I am McLovin!

[grinning]

Seth No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made-up, dumb motherfucking fairy tale name, you fuck!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Debating Relationships and Personal Liberties

Sarah Marshall So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine]

Aldous Snow Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... Ultimately, that is... Oh, no! Not the shirt! Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

[spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice; notices the spill and laughs; laughing]

Sarah Marshall When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall Just please get some seltzer water.

[quietly and angrily]

Aldous Snow Um, garcon, could we get some...

[Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]

Matthew Van Der Wyk I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you.

[Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]

Peter Brenner Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

[in mock reaction to the dessert]

Rachel Jansen Oh, good!

[they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]

Peter Bretter I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen It's good, huh?

[laughs]

Sarah Marshall Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. I like living here.

[she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

21 Jump Street

Professionalism and Boundaries in Law Enforcement

Captain Dickson That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...

[going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko]

Schmidt Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...

Captain Dickson Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say, "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Don't Look Up

Debating Certainty in Crisis Management

President Orlean Mmm-hmm. So how certain is this?

Dr. Randall Mindy There's 100% certainty of impact.

President Orlean Please, don't say 100%.

Old Aide #2 Can we just call it a potentiality significant event?

President Orlean Yeah.

Kate Dibiasky But it isn't potentially going to happen. It is going to happen.

Dr. Randall Mindy Exactly, 99.78% to be exact.

Jason Orlean Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.

Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe Well, scientists never like to say 100%.

President Orlean Call it 70% and let's just move on.

Kate Dibiasky But it's not even close to 70%.

President Orlean You cannot go around saying to people that there's 100% chance that they're going to die. You know? It's just nuts.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Unexpected Identities and Humor Among Friends

Schmidt Yo Sleepy, whassup, homie? Everyone saying at the barrio that "Sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit!" My partner here wanna see that product.

Scarface Why ain't he talking?

[pointing at Jenko]

Jenko My name Jeff!

[after a moment of silence; in a high-pitched voice]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

22 Jump Street

Secret Ingredient Revealed in Culinary Encounter

Schmidt There's a microchip in this dough.

Culinary School Villain Old family receipt. Let's keep it a secret.

Culinary School Villain Oh, shit!

[Jenko throws a knife at the Culinary School Villain's chest]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Seth's Thoughts on Jules's Dating Choices

Seth Are you insane?! Look at Jules's dating record. She dated Dan Remmeck, who's had a six-pack since like kindergarten; Jason Stone, who looks like Zack Morris; and Matt Muer, he's the sweetest guy! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

This Is the End

Unexpected Events from Last Night

Jonah Hill Something, um, not that chill happened last night.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

Memories of Past Relationships and Attraction

Seth You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?

Evan Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?

Seth Yeah.

Evan I guess so, but she was insanely hot.

Seth Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!

Evan How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs.

Seth Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.

Evan You're like ].

[smirks; [W:Orson Welles|Orson Welles]

Seth Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Superbad

The Challenges of Teenage Masculinity

Evan Look at those nipples.

Seth They're like little baby toes.

Evan It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Seth You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Watch

Discussion on Quality of Items

Jamarcus Can I just say, Bob, that these are the shits?

[about the uniforms]

Franklin Just "the shit.

Jamarcus These are just shit.

Superbad

Priorities in Risky Situations

Evan Do you want to get killed for liquor?

Seth No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!

The Watch

Unexpected Arrival and Mixed Reactions

Bob What the fuck is he doing here?

Evan It's ok he saved us!

Franklin Ya he came in here jackin dicks left and right.

Superbad

Friendship Tensions and Misunderstandings

Seth You fucking prick!

Evan What?

Seth You bailed on me.

Evan I didn't bail on you.

Seth Yeah, you did. You said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it. That's "bailing"!

Evan You're the one that drive me to that fucking party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you!

Seth You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year!

Evan The fu— It finally comes out. That's good, man.

[scoffs]

Seth We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together, and you got into fucking DARTMOUTH!

Evan You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school!

Seth How the FUCK am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth—

Evan How fucking selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there. You obviously don't want me going to a good school.

Seth Fuck, man!

Evan So what the fuck do you want?! I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth!

Seth What are you saying?

[in shock]

Evan I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking BULLSHIT with you, man! Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I've just sat around wasting all my time with you! And now because of you, I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin!

Seth Is this about Becca? Is this about some girl, man?

Evan I like her!

Seth Who gives a fuck? She's a fucking girl! What, are you gonna go out with her for two years? What about after that?

Evan Fuck you, man! You're a piece of shit.

Seth Fuck you! And next time you're pissed off about something, don't keep it inside for ten years! Say it like a fucking man!

[punches Evan]

Evan Don't touch me.

Seth Fuck you!

Moneyball

Trade Decisions in Team Strategy

Billy Beane Look, I need a little help on defense. - Okay.

Billy Beane I'm willing to trade Jeremy Giambi for it.

Peter Brand What?

Peter Brand What are you doing?

Billy Beane Cleaning house.

Billy Beane Maybe what?

Peter Brand No.

Billy Beane Why not?

Peter Brand Because you can't trade Jeremy Giambi.

Billy Beane He'll be fine, Ed.

Billy Beane I'm not. You're picking mine. Giambi's name alone is worth more.

Billy Beane Nothing. Can we say it's done in theory and start drawing up the paperwork?

Billy Beane Great.

Peter Brand He was gonna say something else.

Billy Beane When you get the answer you're looking for, hang up. Suzanne.

Billy Beane David Dombrowski.

Billy Beane And Peña's going too.

Peter Brand I don't think you should do that. I really don't think you should do that.

Billy Beane I want Hatteberg in the lineup tonight.

Peter Brand You need to take a minute. I think you seriously need to think about what you're doing. Because you're upset.

Billy Beane Okay. What am I missing?

Peter Brand These are hard moves to explain to people.

Billy Beane Why is that a problem, Pete?

Peter Brand Don't make an emotional decision, Billy.

Billy Beane Look, we're gonna shake things up. Dave. Peña's going on the block. You're my first call. Because he's making the rest of the team look bad. He's gonna be a Rookie of the Year.

Peter Brand Probably an All-Star.

Billy Beane He's an All-Star, Dave. No. I want a reliever and cash. Okay. You got five minutes, Dave. I'm not waiting.

Peter Brand Billy, Peña is an All-Star, okay? And if you dump him and this Hatteberg thing doesn't work out... you know this is... This is the kind of decision that gets you fired. It is.

Billy Beane Yes, you're right. I may lose my job. In which case I'm a 44-year-old guy with a high school diploma... and a daughter I'd like to be able to send to college. You're 25 years old, with a degree from Yale... and a pretty impressive apprenticeship. I don't think we're asking the right question. I think the question we should be asking is... do you believe in this thing or not?

Peter Brand I do.

Billy Beane It's a problem you think we need to explain ourselves. Don't. To anyone.

Peter Brand Okay.

Billy Beane Now, I'm gonna see this thing through, for better or worse. Just tell me, do you project we'll win more with Hatteberg or Peña at first?

Peter Brand It's close... but theoretically, Hatteberg.

21 Jump Street

Discussion of Racial Perspectives in Society

Captain Dickson He's white, that means people actually give shit.

Schmidt Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.

This Is the End

Inappropriate Humor Between Friends

Jonah Hill I'm gonna titty-fuck you, Seth. What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH EM TOGETHER!

['''Seth Rogen''': '''DON'T TITTY-FUCK ME!''']

22 Jump Street

Misunderstandings and Tensions in the Team

Jenko I'm really, really glad you're back, Schmidt.

Schmidt What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

Captain Dickson Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

This Is the End

A Humorous Prayer from Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill Dear God, I'd like to pray for a second. It's me, Jonah Hill...from ].

[[Moneyball (film)|Moneyball]

22 Jump Street

Exchange Students in Russia Adventure

Captain Dickson This time, foreign exchange students!

Schmidt Awesome!

Jenko Yes!

Captain Dickson In Russia!

Jenko What?

21 Jump Street

DEA Officers Make Arrest in Action Scene

Tom Hanson Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!

[pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko]

Tom Hanson On your knees now!

Officer Doug Penhall Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

Domingo What the...

Officer Doug Penhall Put your guns on the ground!

Schmidt Yes! Yes!

Tom Hanson Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!

Schmidt We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.

Domingo You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!

Tom Hanson Tough titty, I fucked her too!

Domingo What?

Tom Hanson You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!

Schmidt There are worse things in the world.

Tom Hanson We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!

Officer Doug Penhall Actually, I just said that to mess with you.

Tom Hanson What?

Officer Doug Penhall It looks tough.

Jenko Hey, man, look we know what it's like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.

Tom Hanson You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.

Jenko What? That's crazy, man!

Tom Hanson Yeah!

22 Jump Street

Expressive Outburst in Slam Poetry

Schmidt Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, ]. ]. Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.

[[Runaway Bride (film)|Runaway Bride; [Julia Roberts]

21 Jump Street

Party Planning and Substance Choices

Jenko Got a pound of coke.

[raiding the evidence locker for drugs to take to their party]

Schmidt We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.

Jenko Pound of marijuana?

Schmidt Best party ever!

Jenko Booyah!

21 Jump Street

Misunderstanding the Miranda Rights

Deputy Chief Hardy Do you even know the Miranda rights?

Jenko It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...

Deputy Chief Hardy Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...

22 Jump Street

Teamwork and Individual Accomplishments

Jenko Did you get Mercedes?

Schmidt Yes, all my myself!

Jenko Really?

Schmidt ...Mainly by myself!

The Watch

Recognition of Past Achievements

Evan Wait a second. I've seen this stuff before.

[Looking at green gunge]

Franklin Had you just won a Kids choice award?

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Work Conflicts and Dinner Plans

Matthew Van Der Wyk Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?

[into the phone, deadpan; notices Peter approaching]

Peter Bretter Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?

Peter Bretter No.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Or, your girlfriend?

Peter Bretter No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.

Matthew Van Der Wyk You're just... by yourself?

Peter Bretter Yeah.

Matthew Van Der Wyk Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.

[leads him to his table]

Peter Bretter I'll be all right, thank you.

Matthew Van Der Wyk I just would be so depressed.

Knocked Up

Bathroom Etiquette and Grooming Concerns

Jay Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin rock this shit!

[sees Alison, embarrassed]

Jonah What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin stuffed animal!

Jay You're embarrassing me in front of company!

Jonah You embarrass yourself!

This Is the End

Survival and Tension Among Friends

Danny McBride Franco! Good morning, sunshine!

James Franco Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food!

Jonah Hill Danny!

Danny McBride No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys!

Seth Rogen Stop eating!

Jay Baruchel Don’t eat another piece of bacon!

Danny McBride Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the ] can fucking afford some more bacon.

[[w:Green Goblin|Green Goblin]

Craig Robinson Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!

Danny McBride Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.

Seth Rogen Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!

Danny McBride James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.

Seth Rogen Do you actually not know what happened last night?

Jonah Hill Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.

Danny McBride Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities.

Craig Robinson Dude, ]’s dead, ] is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.

[[w:Jason Segel|Segel; [w:David Krumholtz|Krumholtz]

Danny McBride Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh?

[laughing]

Jay Baruchel Jesus, Danny!

Danny McBride Michael Cera’s dead.

Jay Baruchel It’s not like that.

James Franco It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.

Danny McBride Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in ], huh? Jonah, you’re fucking sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities.

[[The Green Hornet (film)|Green Hornet]

Jonah Hill Fatalities.

Danny McBride Okay, now that was good. That was good.

Seth Rogen Does it seem like we’re fucking joking?

This Is the End

Confronting Unacceptable Behavior Among Friends

Emma Watson Back the fuck up!

[Holding an axe]

James Franco Emma, what's wrong?

Seth Rogen W-W-W-What's wrong?

Emma Watson What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.

All No! No, no, no, no!

Seth Rogen I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... OH!

[Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe]

Jay Baruchel Holy shit!

Emma Watson BACK UP!

[swishes her axe around]

Jonah Hill It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...

Emma Watson GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!

Seth Rogen There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!

Emma Watson I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND!

[chops off a fake penis using her axe]

Craig Robinson GIVE HER DRINKS!

James Franco Okay!

Craig Robinson GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Danny McBride Oh, God!

Craig Robinson PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Emma Watson HURRY THE FUCK UP!

Jay Baruchel Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!

Craig Robinson Don't give the Milky Way away!

Jay Baruchel Put the axe down now!

Danny McBride Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!

James Franco I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there.

[to Danny; to Emma]

Danny McBride ] just stole all of our shit.

[[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione]

Craig Robinson Little bitty ass, um, 20-year-old jacked us.

Danny McBride Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.

Jay Baruchel I didn't... I was just... I...

Danny McBride I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.

Craig Robinson So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.

The Watch

Unconventional Heroic Fantasies Discussed Among Friends

Jamarcus I have this one scenario in my mind. I kinda hope it plays out like this: young, sexy, Asian housewife, alone at night, frightened. A noise out by the trash cans. Best call the neighborhood watch. I show up, look heroic, and then... get this - she sucks my balls.

Franklin I'm also interested in that happening to me.

Don't Look Up

Conflict of Perspectives on Urgency

Kate Dibiasky Am I to understand correctly that, after all the information you've received today, the decision you're making is to "sit tight and assess"?

Jason Orlean I'm sorry, who is she?

Kate Dibiasky Who the fuck are you? Aren't you her son?

Jason Orlean I'm the fucking Chief of Staff, Boy with the Dragon Tattoo. So I'm doing fine.

Moneyball

Challenging Traditional Baseball Management Strategies

Peter Brand There is an epidemic failure within the game to understand what is really happening. And this leads people who run Major League Baseball teams to misjudge their players and mismanage their teams. I apologize. (Billy Beane: Go on.) Okay. People who run ball clubs, they think in terms of buying players. Your goal shouldn't be to buy players, your goal should be to buy wins. And in order to buy wins, you need to buy runs. You're trying to replace ]. The Boston Red Sox see Johnny Damon and they see a star who's worth seven and half million dollars a year. When I see Johnny Damon, what I see is... is... an imperfect understanding of where runs come from. The guy's got a great glove. He's a decent leadoff hitter. He can steal bases. But is he worth the seven and half million dollars a year that the Boston Red Sox are paying him? No. No. Baseball thinking is medieval. They are asking all the wrong questions. And if I say it to anybody, I'm-I'm ostracized. I'm-I'm-I'm a leper. So that's why I'm-I'm cagey about this with you. That's why I... I respect you, Mr. Beane, and if you want full disclosure, I think it's a good thing that you got Damon off your payroll. I think it opens up all kinds of interesting possibilities.

[[w:Johnny Damon|Johnny Damon]

Memorable Quotes from Jonah Hill

find it. watch it.