Kirsten DunstQuotes

Betsy Jobs: Isn't it against the law to cut up the flag?

Arlene Lorenzo: Not if you sew it back together.

Betsy Jobs: Are you, like, the President's Dog Walker?

John Dean: I'm John Dean. Chief White House Counsel.

Betsy Jobs: Oh, That's too bad.

Betsy Jobs: You're the smartest person I know.

Arlene Lorenzo: But you don't know anybody...

Betsy Jobs: Checkers pooped.

Rose Mary Woods: Girls, the President's dog doesn't "poop." He "does his business.

Arlene Lorenzo: How dare those people treat us like we're stupid teenage girls.

Betsy Jobs: We are stupid teenage girls.

Arlene Lorenzo: No. We're human beings, and we're American citizens. And four score and seven years ago our forefathers... did something. I don't know what. But I do know one thing - Dick's ass is grass!

Bob Woodward: You're Deep Throat?

Arlene Lorenzo: Yeah.

Betsy Jobs: We both are.

Bob Woodward: How old are you?

Betsy Jobs: 23.

Bob Woodward: Is that your combined ages?

Betsy Jobs: [takes off her sunglasses] Ugh, there's no need to be snotty!

Betsy Jobs: It's called incest, Arlene, and it's against the law.

Betsy Jobs: [Shouting, to Arlene] You can't let Dick control your life!

Betsy Jobs: [To Richard Nixon] You kicked Checkers, you're prejudiced, and you have a potty mouth!

Lizzie Bradbury: Too bad, you could have used the workout.

Lizzie Bradbury: Hit this one... and I'll sleep with you.

Lizzie Bradbury: What are you talking about. The chalk flew up there's a mark right there.

Betty Warren: Ms. Watson, can you get me in touch with your friend at Greenwich Village?

Mrs. Warren: [rudely pulls her to the side] What do you need at Greenwich Village?

Betty Warren: [confronting her mother] An apartment. I filed for divorce and since you know I'm not welcome in your house. You remember Giselle Levy. What did you call her? A New York kike, that's it. Well, she and I are going to be roommates.

Giselle Levy: [going to Betty] Hi. Are you ready?

Betty Warren: Yeah.

Katherine Watson: [Betty nods] You ok. Greenwich Village.

Betty Warren: For a while. Then who knows, maybe law school. Maybe Yale.

Katherine Watson: [proud of Betty] Well, I wouldn't go up against you in any court, anywhere.

Giselle Levy: [''in reference to the husband in etiquette class''] Whatever you do, don't put the boss's wife next to your husband.

Betty Warren: Why not?

Giselle Levy: She's screwing him.

Betty Warren: [''voiceover''] All her life, she had wanted to teach at Wellesley College. So, when a position opened in the Art History department, she pursued it single-mindedly until she was hired. It was whispered that Katherine Watson, a first-year teacher from Oakland State, made up in brains what she lacked in pedigree. Which was why this bohemian from California was on her way to the most conservative college in the nation.

Staunton's Secretary: I was in California once. How do you get any work done with all that sunshine?

Katherine Watson: We tan in class.

Betty Warren: She's smiling. Is she happy?

Mrs. Warren: The important thing is not to tell anyone.

Betty Warren: She looks happy. So, what does it matter?

Mrs. Warren: Don't wash your dirty laundry in public.

Betty Warren:: Don't disregard our traditions just because you're subversive.

Katherine Watson: Don't disrespect this class just because you're married.

Betty Warren: Don't disrespect me just because you're not.

Katherine Watson: Come to class, do the work, or I'll fail you.

Betty Warren: If you fail me, there will be consequences.

Katherine Watson: Are you threatening me?

Betty Warren: I'm educating you.

Katherine Watson: That's my job.

Mr. Dewey: Verena, why are you so late? You've missed an entire period.

Verena Von Stefan: [gasps] You mean I'm pregnant?

Verena Von Stefan: [explaining the purpose of the D.A.R.] In the D.A.R., we all share our most secret dreams of what we want to be. You see, most of the girls here at Miss Godard's, they've got all the opportunities to become something: a good upbringing, a great education, they're loaded. But in ten years they'll all be married with three kids and two cars and a Colonial and a collie—they're finished. That's why it's called a finishing school. But we—the D.A.R.—have other plans for ourselves.

Verena Von Stefan: No more little white gloves.

Verena Von Stefan: Right. Just imagine, we'll have to wash our hair every night. We'll have to sleep on rollers til our scalps bleed. Then we'll have to get up at six every morning for the comb out. Your lungs will be lined with hairspray. Then you need all this equipment to push up the tits and blitz the zits and spray the pits! Then you stagger into class and you look perfect but you're exhausted, you're too tired to even think but that's okay the teachers they won't call on you anyway, also you don't want to be smarter than the boys. They don't like that, so to wake yourself up you drink some coffee at lunch but don't eat the food. You'll be on a permanent diet!

Claire Colburn: You know, You're always trying to break up with me, and we're not even together.

Drew Baylor: I know... We're not?

Claire Colburn: So, you failed.

Drew Baylor: No, you don't get it.

Claire Colburn: All right, you really failed. You failed, you failed, you failed. You failed, you failed, you... You think I care about that? I do understand. You're an artist, man. Your job is to break through barriers. Not accept blame and bow and say thank you, I'm a loser, I'll go away now. Oh, Phil's mean to me, whaa, whaa, So what.

Drew Baylor: I don't cry.

Claire Colburn: You want to be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me. But... don't listen to me, I'm a Claire.

Claire Colburn: What they say is that it will hit you. Could be ten minutes or ten years from now. So it's good that you talk about it, or don't talk about it... we have talked about it.

Drew Baylor: I've always wondered something... who are "they"?

Claire Colburn: You know... "Them

Drew Baylor: Them?

Claire Colburn: The inimitable collective, "them".

Drew Baylor: And who says we have to listen to "them"?

Claire Colburn: THEY" do!

Claire Colburn: Hey, you're only 45 minutes away. You wanna meet halfway and see the sunrise? At this point it's probably easier to stay up!

Drew Baylor: You think so?

Claire Colburn: I think that's what "they" say!

Claire Colburn: Do you ever just think I'm fooling everyone?

Drew Baylor: You have no idea.

Claire Colburn: I think I've been asleep most of my life.

Drew Baylor: Me too.

Claire Colburn: You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard ...and proceed.

Claire Colburn: I'm completely cool with anything you want to say or not say.

Claire Colburn: I'm wearing these clothes. I mean... Have you ever had unlucky clothes? This dress that you like? Good things have not happened to me in this dress. But I saw it tonight and I said: "I'm gonna give you one more chance." And I refuse to be let down by this dress again.

Claire Colburn: Life cannot be so cruel that we don't deserve to be together... to eat.

Claire Colburn: And so we all became helpers, which I so can't help. I can't help helping.

Claire Colburn: I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.

Claire Colburn: I spend so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem ... that I forget what the problem actually was.

Claire Colburn: Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room.

Claire Colburn: Some music needs air. Roll down your window.

Claire Colburn: To have never taken a solitary road trip across country? I mean everybody's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music.

Claire Colburn: I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

Claire Colburn: I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them.

Claire Colburn: Welcome to the annual meeting of people who annually meet, and we'll see ya'll next year.

Claire Colburn: Most of the sex I've had in my life was not as personal as that kiss.

Claire Colburn: Trust me. Everybody is less mysterious than they think they are.

Claire Colburn: Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free.

Claire Colburn: I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember.

Alex Corvis (The Crow): The jolt - eight amps at two to three-thousand volts. It lasts a few seconds. The current surges and is turned off. And they check to see if the heart is still beating. If it is... Ba-Boom! Another jolt is applied. Experts say unconsciousness occurs before pain has time to register. They agree that electrocution does not hurt. But it does. Unimaginably... Believe me... I... don't expect a call from the governor. Any last words... Captain?

The Captain: Yeah, fuck you!

Alex Corvis (The Crow): Was that it?

The Captain: I'm not dying for your goddamn illusion, you got that?! You think you and your girlfriend had some rosy future taken from you?! Bullshit! She was already bored! Why do you think she was lookin around?! You're nothing, Corvis! Less than nothing! You can't do this to me, you little fucks! You hear me?! You understand?! I'll be back! Just like you! A big, fucking, shit-spewing bird! And guess which little bitch I'm taking out first!

Erin Randall: [''Alex closes the execution mask over the Captain's face. Erin throws the execution switch. The Captain is violently electrocuted, as Alex watches grimly. Smoke starts to fill the execution chamber. The Captain's forearms swell, blood starts to trickle out. Blood also pours out at his neck; his clothes catch fire, and it quickly spreads around his head. In his eye, now surrounded by burned skin, the crow flies out.''] You are so dead.

Erin Randall: [''Last lines''] In that moment when Alex went, I knew I was making a choice. To be alive in the world. I'm thinking of them hoping that sometimes they're thinking of me.

Phil Fimple: [[w:Gorgonzola|Gorgonzolas] Hi! I'm Phil Fimple. I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the, uh... ]. Now here's our proposal: take them!

Insaniac: [listening from inside; [w:Benedict Arnold|Arnold Benedict!] Hey! He's selling us down the river! The guy's a regular ]

Phil Fimple: [notices speakers covered by a net] I mean, switch em off, take em apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you... people do. Hey... is that my JVC?!

Chip Hazard: There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy! All Gorgonite scum must die!

Link Static: Yeah! Bomb em all the way back to preschool!

Chip Hazard: Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!

Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?

Larry Benson: Seven Gorgonites and nine people.

Phil Fimple: [nervously] Well, you heard our proposal...

Stuart Abernathy: [opening the door] Phil, get in here! Hurry!

Chip Hazard: These negotiations are over!

Chip Hazard: We are the Commando Elite! Everything else... is just a toy!

Alan Abernathy: What are they doing?

Irene Abernathy: Psychological warfare.

Christy Fimple: [[w:Manuel Noriega|Noriega] The Marines did this against ].

Marion Fimple: Phil? Phil!

Phil Fimple: What?

Marion Fimple: I love this song!

Phil Fimple: [pointing at Archer; [w:Fairy with Turquoise Hair|Blue Fairy; [w:Talking Cricket|talking cricket?!] Is this entire household insane?! He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the ] drops by with a ]

Christy Fimple: Dad, he's telling the truth!

Phil Fimple: He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.

Slamfist: [listening in from a shelf] You can't change programming.

Marion Fimple: [still intoxicated] Look! Another one...

Alan Abernathy: See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.

Phil Fimple: That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.

Stuart Abernathy: Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.

Irwin Wayfair: Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?

Timmy Fimple: [points at Alan] That's Alan, right there.

Larry Benson: How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.

Irwin Wayfair: There's a chance they might be... defective.

Larry Benson: But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.

Stuart Abernathy: Oh, there's reasons!

Alan Abernathy: There is a problem with the Commandos.

Larry Benson: Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.

Stuart Abernathy: YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!

Irene Abernathy: Stuart--

Stuart Abernathy: [to Phil] Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. And you! You owe my son an apology!

Alan Abernathy: Are you all right?

Gwendy Doll 1: All my make-up is cruelty-free!

Gwendy Doll 2: You come here often?

Gwendy Doll 3: Will you take me to the prom?

Gwendy Doll 4: [wielding blades] If you can't accessorize, pulverize!

Gwendy Doll 5: You've been a bad boy! And now you must be punished!

Gwendy Doll 6: Watch out, girls! Hissy fit!

Gwendy Doll 5: [still threatening Alan] You're to die for!

Gwendy Doll 7: Run! She's got a baton!

Gwendy Doll 8: [[w:Bataan Death March|Baton Death March!] It's a ]

Gwendy Doll 9: She's gone postal!

Gwendy Doll 10: Oh, I broke a nail...

Christy Fimple: I ALWAYS HATED THESE THINGS!

Gwendy Doll 11: Oh, the humanity!

Marie Antoinette: [to her first-born, a daughter] Poor little girl. You are not what was desired, but you are no less dear to me. A boy would have be the Son of France. But you, Marie Thérèse, shall be mine.

Vivian Mitchell: Despite what you may think, I have nothing against y'all.

Dorothy Vaughan: I know. I know you probably believe that.

Young Sarah Whittle: I'm starting to forget what it's like to be a grown-up.

Young Alan Parrish: That's okay. As long as we don't forget each other.

Young Sarah Whittle: [She kisses him] Or Judy and Peter. Alan, there's something I've been wanting to do and I better do it before I feel too much like a kid.

Young Alan Parrish: They probably don't teach driver training in the sixth grade, huh?

All:

Sarah Whittle: Merry Christmas. Wanna try one of these?

All:

Alan Parrish: [on the phone, to Sam] No, Dad. It's a new cross-trainer. It's doing fabulous. It's not a bra. It's a shoe.

Sarah Whittle: Honey, they're here.

Alan Parrish: Dad, I gotta run. Merry Christmas. We'll pick you up at the airport. You'll be the best Christmas gift of all. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. They're here.

Sarah Whittle: Come on. Let's go.

Alan Parrish: Pardon me. Jim, glad you could make it.

Jim Shepherd: Thanks. This is my wife, Martha.

Alan Parrish: Hi, Martha. This is Sarah.

Martha Shepherd: Hi, Sarah.

Jim Shepherd: Where are the kids?

Alan Parrish: Oh, my God, there they are.

Martha Shepherd: How'd you know?

Sarah Whittle: A guess. A guess, of course. They're your kids.

Jim Shepherd: You're right. These are our children. Judy and Peter. Kids, say hi to Mr. and Mrs. Parrish.

Peter Shepherd: Nice to meet you.

Judy Shepherd: Nice to meet you.

Alan Parrish: You're just like we remembered you. I feel like we know so much about them because, you know--

Sarah Whittle: You've told Alan so much about them.

Alan Parrish: And I told her.

Sarah Whittle: Yeah.

Alan Parrish: I'll go get the presents.

Sarah Whittle: Sure, honey. Well, we love children.

Alan Parrish: Merry Christmas.

Peter Shepherd: Cool!

Alan Parrish: So, when can you start?

Jim Shepherd: Well, actually, Martha and I were thinking of taking a little skiing holiday in the Canadian Rockies.

Alan and Sarah: [all chatter stops] No!

Alan Parrish: Sorry. We-- We just--

Sarah Whittle: Need you to get that marketing done on the new line… pronto.

Jim Shepherd: No problem. I could probably start next week. That'd be great.

Alan Parrish: Let me introduce you to the rest of the folks you'll be working with. Come on in. Our house was your house. Is, anytime you like.

All:

French speaking Girl: What's that noise?

Alan Parrish: Sarah!

Sarah Whittle: What?

Alan Parrish: It's your turn. You can finish if you roll a 7.

Sarah Whittle: I can't roll!

Alan Parrish: Put the dice in your mouth--

Sarah Whittle: Judy! Bring the game! Hurry!

Peter Shepherd: [Peter chops the poisonous plant in half with the axe] Judy! Judy, are you okay?

Judy Shepherd: [pulls out the barb] I'm fine. Help them.

Sarah Whittle: [puts them in Sarah’s mouth and she spits them out onto the game.; the mansion is separating] Come on, Judy. Gimme the dice! "You're almost there with much at stake, but now the ground begins to quake.

Peter Shepherd: Judy!

Sarah Whittle: Oh, my God!

Alan Parrish: What?

Judy Shepherd: [the barb has injured Judy] I wish Mom and Dad were here.

Peter Shepherd: So do I.

Alan Parrish: Our only chance is if we finish the game!

Sarah Whittle: It's your turn!

Alan Parrish: Oh, my God. Get the game! The game!

Sarah Whittle: No, I won't let you go! Alan!

Van Pelt: [Alan grabs the two dice; Alan does so; pauses; to Alan's hand in two dices; Alan drops the dice onto the game, but the other dice falls into the crack below] Don't move! Stand up. What's in your hand? Drop it. End of the line, Sunny Jim. Game's up. Stop running.

Alan Parrish: No.

Van Pelt: Aren't you afraid?

Alan Parrish: [The dice keep rolling into the fissure] I'm terrified. But, my father told me, you should always face what you're afraid of.

Van Pelt: [laughs] Good lad. You're finally acting like a man. Any last words?

Alan Parrish: Come on. Okay, it's my turn. I've got it. Colonel Mustard in the library with a wrench. Clue.

Alan Parrish: Beware the ground on which you stand, the floor is quicker than the sand.

Sarah Whittle: Alan!

Alan Parrish: Help me.

Sarah Whittle: Okay. Stay calm. Don't struggle. Stay calm.

Alan Parrish: I'm calm.

Judy Shepherd: Alan! Grab on!

Alan Parrish: Pull. Okay, I got it. Pull!

Sarah Whittle: Stay calm!

Alan Parrish: Come on.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, good! I got you.

Alan Parrish: Stop giving me things that come apart!

Judy Shepherd: There is a lesson--

Sarah Whittle: All right.

Judy Shepherd: There is a lesson you will learn:

Sarah Whittle: I got you.

Judy Shepherd: [the floor becomes quicksand; Sarah tries to pull Alan up, but also gets stuck] sometimes you must go back a turn.

Sarah Whittle: Did I hurt you?

Alan Parrish: Oh, no.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, dear.

Alan Parrish: Oh, thank you, Judy. Thank you. That was quick thinking. Sarah and I would like to get out of the floor, so it's your turn, Peter.

Peter Shepherd: Okay.

Sarah Whittle: I thought I lost you again.

Alan Parrish: Thanks for stickin around this time.

Peter Shepherd: Need a hand while you just wait, we'll help you out, we each have…eight?

Alan Parrish: [spiders appear] What's that? What is it?

Sarah Whittle: Nothing. Waah!

Alan Parrish: You don't go "Waah!" for nothing.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, my.

Alan Parrish: Peter! My dad kept an axe in the woodshed. Go get it.

Peter Shepherd: Okay.

Alan Parrish: Hurry! Go, go, go!

Judy Shepherd: Sarah!

Aunt Nora: Judy? Peter?

Peter Shepherd: Aunt Nora, it's me, Peter.

Aunt Nora: [shocked at Peter's appearance and seeing Alan’s legs protruding from the ceiling; she backs into the closet] Oh, God!

Peter Shepherd: [locks her in the closet] Sorry, I can't talk right now. I'll explain later.

Sarah Whittle: Shouldn't we play someplace else?

Alan Parrish: No. I grew up in this. It's out there that scares me.

Sarah Whittle: Okay, it's my turn.

Judy Shepherd: Sarah, if you roll a 12, you win.

Sarah Whittle: Okay, ready? Here I go.

Alan Parrish: It's okay.

Sarah Whittle: Every month at the quarter moon, there'll be a monsoon… in your lagoon." Monsoon. Well, at least we're inside.

Alan Parrish: Yeah, right.

Sarah Whittle: Well, a little rain never hurt anybody.

Alan Parrish: Yeah, but a lot could kill ya. Come on. Make way.

Sarah Whittle: What do we do now?

Alan Parrish: We get to higher ground!

Sarah Whittle: Okay.

Alan Parrish: [a crocodile suddenly appears] Come on! Stay together! Peter! You all right, Peter? Judy!

Sarah Whittle: Alan.

Alan Parrish: What?

Saran Whittle: What is that?

Alan Parrish: Ah! Swim! Go! Go!

Sarah Whittle: Alan!

Alan Parrish: Judy, swim fast! Move! Keep goin'! Get on the table! Peter, get out of the water! On the chandelier! Come on, Sarah.

Judy Shepherd: Peter!

Alan Parrish: Hang on, Sarah!

Judy Shepherd: Are you okay?

Sarah Whittle: Where is he? Alan!

Judy Shepherd: Alan!

Aunt Nora: Judy! Peter!

Carl Bentley: Ma'am, step back and let me handle this, please. It's probably nothing. They probably left the TV on too loud.

Aunt Nora: Peter! Judy!

Carl Bentley: [kicks the door. The pressure from the water blows the doors off and they are surfing down the street on the doors as a crocodile swims next to them] I always wanted to do this. Could you step back, please?

Alan Parrish: Alan, give me your hand.

Judy Shepherd: Alan!

Peter Shepherd: Grab my hand!

Alan Parrish: I got it! No!

Peter Shepherd: Alan!

Alan Parrish: Hey. Take the game. Here you go. You okay?

Sarah Whittle: Yeah. Alan, you wrestled an alligator for me.

Alan Parrish: It was a crocodile. Alligators don't have that little fringe on their hind leg. Come on.

Sarah Whittle: My mistake.

Sarah Whittle: Thank you. Come on.

Judy Shepherd: What's going on?

Sarah Whittle: [monkeys on a police motorcycle ride by] Apparently there's a sale happening. You just saw three monkeys go by on a motorcycle, didn't you?

Judy Shepherd: Yes.

Sarah Whittle: [they go up to an ATM but discover it's out of service] Good girl. Come on. Well, maybe we can bail him out with a check.

Van Pelt: [takes the game back] Thanks. You tell that sniveling coward from me, if he wants-- Hey! Get out of my way! Give me that, boy!

Peter Shepherd: [Peter is trapped in a car due to a rhino crushing it] Hey! Help me! Get me outta here!

Sarah Whittle: It's all right.

Judy Shepherd: Oh, my God, Peter.

Sarah Whittle: [They run to Sir Sav-a-Lot.] Come on.

Judy Shepherd: [spots the game on a counter] There it is!

Sarah Whittle: [she goes to retrieve it] Wait here.

Van Pelt: [catches Sarah] Got ya, girlie. When Alan hears of your predicament, he'll come.

Sarah Whittle: He doesn't know I'm here, so this isn't gonna work. I'm going.

Van Pelt: Don't move or I'll blow your blinking brains out!

Sarah Whittle: Call the cops!

Van Pelt: That should do it, don't ya think?

Sarah Whittle: Oh, yeah.

Judy Shepherd: [uses the scanner to temporarily blind Van Pelt] Price check!

Alan Parrish: If you let me go, I can stop all this. It sounds like something out of the Twilight Zone, but it's true. Please. You gotta help me on this.

Carl Bentley: [removing the handcuffs; throws the handcuff keys and handcuffs Carl to the door] I know I'm gonna regret it. Just hold still. There. I let you go. Now what are we gon’ do?

Alan Parrish: You are gonna stay here.

Carl Bentley: Those are my keys!

Alan Parrish: It's for your own good. You just stay there.

Carl Bentley: My handcuff keys. Wait.

Alan Parrish: This is something I have to do.

Carl Bentley: Alan!

Alan Parrish: You'll thank me someday.

Carl Bentley: Lorraine, come in. Lorraine!

Alan Parrish: What's Sir Sav-a-lot?

Carl Bentley: It's a discount store.

Alan Parrish: Move over.

Carl Bentley: Wait. Gently.

Alan Parrish: All right. Don't worry. I've done this before once.

Alan Parrish: Where's Sir Sav-a-Lot?

Carl Bentley: Monroe and Elm.

Alan Parrish: The Episcopal church.

Carl Bentley: No, it's not a church anymore. Now it's a Speedy Burger, or at least it was. I don't know what's left of it. People in this town are goin loopy.

Sarah Whittle: Judy!

Alan Parrish: We got company.

Carl Bentley: [The same monkeys from before ride up] It's all right. That's a traffic cop. He'll back us up.

Judy Shepherd: Here's the game.

Sarah Whittle: Come on. Get outta here.

Gun Salesman: What can I do for you?

Van Pelt: [hands him a bullet] I want a gross of these.

Gun Salesman: You know, they stopped making these in 1903.

Van Pelt: Damn. I shall need a replacement weapon.

Gun Salesman: [he places a stack of forms on the counter as Van Pelt drops some coins; Louise stops what she's doing and changes the "Open" sign to "Closed".; hands Van Pelt a new gun; Van Pelt looks at the salesman as if to say, "are you crazy"?] Well, there's a waiting period, and you'll have to... fill out these. Or I could fill these out. Louise. Now, anyone asks, you didn't get this here. You're not a postal worker, are you?

Sarah Whittle: Alan!

Peter Shepherd: Alan!

Alan Parrish: Quiet. Okay. No!

Sarah and Judy: Peter!

Judy Shepherd: [Peter has successfully gotten the game back] Peter, that was great.

Sarah Whittle: Are you okay?

Judy Shepherd: I can't believe you did that. That was so cool. You gave me chills.

Sarah Whittle: It was great. Alan.

Alan Parrish: It's nice work. Come on, gimme the game. Let's go.

Alan Parrish: [Carl notices Alan] Oh, no. Act natural.

Carl Bentley: Hey!

Alan Parrish: Hide the game.

Carl Bentley: I don't believe this. Every time there's trouble, I run into you.

Alan Parrish: Me? I don't know what you're talking about.

Carl Bentley: [arresting Alan] All right, I'm taking you in for questioning.

Alan Parrish: I'm not going anywhere.

Sarah Whittle: Just a second. You can't take him. He's--

Judy Shepherd: Her fiancé.

Carl Bentley: Wait a minute, I thought you said he was your uncle.

Alan Parrish: It's all right. I'll be back soon.

Van Pelt: [fails to shoot Alan] Blast!

Sarah Whittle: Remember you said you'd never abandon your friends?

Alan Parrish: We'll finish the game later. Okay?

Sarah Whittle: Later?

Alan Parrish: Van Pelt. Van Pelt.

Carl Bentley: I suggest you all go home now.

Alan Parrish: Okay.

Judy Shepherd: Now how are we supposed to finish the game?

Sarah Whittle: We can't. We can't finish it without him.

Peter Shepherd: [Has set the game on a stump and rolled the dices; Sarah and Judy run over] Judy!

Judy Shepherd: What?

Sarah Whittle: What happened?

Peter Shepherd: I thought I could end the game myself. I was only ten spaces away.

Judy Shepherd: [Reads a notice in the center of the board] A law of Jumanji having been broken; you will slip back even more than your token.

Sarah Whittle: You tried to cheat?

Peter Shepherd: No. I tried to drop the dice so they'd land on 12.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, okay, honey. Well, that would be cheating.

Judy Shepherd: Peter, your hands! Look at your hands!

Carl Bentley: What is this about? I know you know.

Alan Parrish: Yes, I do, but you wouldn't believe me even if I told you, Carl.

Carl Bentley: Wait a minute. How do you know my name is Carl?

Alan Parrish: I know a lot more than that. I know you used to work on the stamping line at Parrish Shoes. They used to call you Soleman.

Carl Bentley: Soleman. Yeah, that's right. I was in there too, until old man Parrish fired me.

Alan Parrish: He fired you?

Carl Bentley: Yeah, man. And I had something I could've turned this whole town around.

Alan Parrish: Your shoes.

Carl Bentley: Right.

Alan Parrish: Listen, Carl, I know it doesn't mean much after 26 years, but I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Carl Bentley: Sorry for what?

Alan Parrish: [screeches to a halt] It's me, Alan.

Sarah Whittle: [Alan climbs through a window] So even if Alan gets out of this, the same kind of thing's gonna happen over and over again. llll When you carry around so much anger, it attracts a lot of negative energy. And things happen, like ending up in the jungle. That was no accident. There are no accidents.

Alan Parrish: Whose turn is it?

Judy Shepherd: It's my turn.

Alan Parrish: Really? Great.

Sarah Whittle: You might have told us there was a man in there with a rifle that hunts people.

Alan Parrish: Well, I didn't know, okay? It's just a roll of the dice.

Judy Shepherd: Is he the reason you didn't wanna play?

Sarah Whittle: [Alan, Sarah, Judy, and Peter return to the library Judy picks up the chair] You didn't wanna play either, Mr. We-Started-Something-26-Years-Ago-and-Now-We've-Gotta-Finish-It? What's the deal with you and this guy?

Alan Parrish: He's a hunter. He kills things, that's what he does. And right now, he wants to hunt me and kill me, okay?

Sarah Whittle: Why you?

Alan Parrish: Why me? I don't know. Everything about me he finds offensive. You'd think it'd be a waste of his time. Maybe he needs something for his wall, you know, a Parrish - something to go between penguin and partridge.

Peter Shepherd: It's your turn.

Sarah Whittle: Well, have you ever thought about just sitting down and talking about your differences?

Alan Parrish: What, are you crazy? The man has a gun.

Sarah Whittle: Don't ever call me crazy, Alan. Ever. Cause everyone in this town has called me crazy ever since I told the cops you were sucked into a board game.

Judy Shepherd: Maybe I should roll.

Peter Shepherd: Yeah.

Sarah Whittle: Do you have any idea what it's like to be known as the little girl who saw Alan Parrish murdered? Do you think anybody showed up at my 14th birthday party?

Judy Shepherd: Hello. I'm rolling now.

Sarah Whittle: Billy who?

Judy Shepherd: I'm gonna roll.

Sarah Whittle: Are you an owl?

Alan Parrish: Dig into your higher consciousness...

Peter Shepherd: Here, just roll.

Alan Parrish: and find the memory of your old boyfriend.

Sarah Whittle: The kid who stole your bicycle?

Alan Parrish: No, the kid who took you to movies.

Judy Shepherd: Don't be fooled. It isn't thunder. Staying put would be a blunder.

Alan Parrish: No, you're immature.

Sarah Whittle: You are. I know you are, but what am I?

Alan Parrish: Do you feel that? Listen.

Alan Parrish: [Everyone runs; Alan grabs the game as a large stampede of Rhinos, Elephants, Zebras and Pelicans bursts from the behind the bookshelves and tears up the house in their rampage] Run! It's a stampede! The game! Don't look back!

Alan Parrish: [One of the pelicans lands down in the room right in front of them. Alan tries to scare it away, but the bird steals the game and takes flight] Not the game! Why didn't you grab the game, Peter?

Sarah Whittle: [to Alan] Just ignore him, honey. He's a Libra. Where are you going?

Alan Parrish: He'll head for water!

Sarah Whittle: Come on.

Judy Sheperd: [The phone rings; answers it] Hello?

Aunt Nora: Judy, it's Aunt Nora. Where have you been?

Judy Shepherd: [in a British accent; Hangs up and resumes her normal voice as she runs after Alan and Company] I'm sorry, dear. You have the wrong number. : Wait for me!

Carl Bentley: [Carl finds his car smashed against a tree] Oh, my God! My car. Oh, my car.

Carl Bentley: I can't believe this. Start. Please.

Carl Bentley: Carl here.

Carl Bentley: [backing the car up] You gotta get Stan and Willy on it. I'm headin to the old Parrish place to check a suspicious character, over. I should've been a fireman.

Alan Parrish: Sarah!

Sarah Whittle: [attempting to run away] Oh, get your hands off me!

Alan Parrish: The game is not over yet, Sarah.

Sarah Whittle: Well, it is for me. You are not in the jungle anymore. Stop this! You don't treat people like this.

Sarah Whittle: [they're all in the library sitting at the table; angrily pushes the sword into the floor] Anybody up for iced tea? I'm gonna make some tea.

Sarah Whittle: [Sitting down to play the game] Alan, please. Last time I played this game, it ruined my life.

Alan Parrish: [laughs] It ruined your life? "In the jungle you must wait, till the dice read five or eight.

Sarah Whittle: I was a little girl, Alan. You disappeared. And a bunch of bats surrounded me and chased me down the street. I was afraid. I'm sorry, Alan. No one believed me. I was all alone.

Alan Parrish: So was I. For 26 years, Sarah.

Sarah Whittle: Me too.

Judy Shepherd: It's okay, Sarah. We're scared too. But if we finish the game, it'll all go away.

Sarah Whittle: What if I get stuck in the game?

Alan Parrish: You won't. Because I won't stop playing.

Judy Shepherd: And neither will I.

Peter Shepherd: I won't either.

Alan Parrish: Come on, Sarah.

Judy Shepherd: Please?

Sarah Whittle: I knew this was gonna be a bad day.

Alan Parrish: Hey, come on. We'll be fine. We just have to keep our heads. Roll with the punches.

Alan Parrish: A hunter from the darkest wild, makes you feel just like a child.

Sarah Whittle: What is it?

Alan Parrish: Van Pelt.

Van Pelt: [Van Pelt chases him down the hallway firing his gun. Alan throws his sword at the hunter, and narrowly misses; He takes the sword off him] You miserable coward! Come back and face me like a man. Not good enough, Sonny Jim. Coming, ready or not.

Carl Bentley: [sees Van Pelt shooting] Hey, you! Drop your gun and get your hands in the air! Man, I don't believe this.

Answering Machine: Leave a message and the doctor will call you back at his earliest convenience.

Sarah Whittle: Dr. Boorstein. Sarah Whittle calling. If you could call me back as soon as you can, I think I need to have my dosage checked. That event we've been discussing for a long time now the one that didn't really happen-- I'm havin an episode here with the little boy that didn't really disappear. I'm sittin in his living room... drinkin lemonade. If you could call me, I'd really be interested in your interpretation. Thank you so much. He'll call me back ten minutes before the hour.

Alan Parrish: [Alan pulls Jumanji out] While we're waiting--

Sarah Whittle: Whoa, God!

Alan Parrish: Sarah!

Sarah Whittle: No, no, no, no!

Alan Parrish: Sarah, please!

Sarah Whittle: I have spent over 2,000 hours in therapy convincing myself that that doesn't exist. See, what happened to you was so awful I made up that whole thing.

Alan Parrish: Sarah, it was awful. It was awful. It was awful, it really was.

Sarah Whittle: Am I crazy?

Alan Parrish: But it was real. Real.

Sarah Whittle: No, no, no, it wasn't real, Alan. Your father murdered you and he chopped you up into little pieces.

Alan Parrish: Sarah, come on. My dad did that? My father could barely hug me, let alone cut me into little pieces. Twenty-six years ago., we started playing a little game. And now we're all gonna sit down, and we're gonna finish it. And guess what? Your turn.

Sarah Whittle: [scared; tries to give dice to Peter but fails] No!

Alan Parrish: Play the game, Sarah.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, no, no, no.

Alan Parrish: All right. Just gimme the dice and you can go home. You don't have to play.

Sarah Whittle: Thank you, Alan.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, my God! How could you do that?

Alan Parrish: It's the law of the jungle, Sarah. You'll get used to it.

Sarah Whittle: And I think of all the energy I spent visualizing you as a radiant spirit.

Judy Shepherd: Go on, read it.

Sarah Whittle: They grow much faster than bamboo. Take care or they'll come after you.

Alan Parrish: Oh, great.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, God. Tell me this isn't happening.

Alan Parrish: Oh, it is. Stay away from the walls. Don't touch anything. No quick movements.

Judy Shepherd: Wow, they're beautiful.

Alan Parrish: Oh, yeah, they're beautiful. Don't touch the purple ones. They shoot poisonous barbs. And definitely stay away from the pods. The big yellow ones.

Sarah Whittle: What big yellow ones?

Alan Parrish: Peter! I got ya! Get his arms!

Peter Shepherd: Get it off me!

Sarah Whittle: Oh, my God! Hang on, boy.

Alan Parrish: Grab him! I'll be right back.

Sarah Whittle: Oh, my God!

Alan Parrish: [breaks the sword case and unsheathes the sword; cuts the vine of the plant, freeing Peter] Sorry, Angus. Whoa. Harvest time!

Sarah Whittle: Are you okay?

Judy Shepherd: Ready?

Peter Shepherd: Yeah.

Judy Shepherd: Alan, ready?

Alan Parrish: [Judy rolls the dice. Nothing happened] There is no "ready.

Judy Shepherd: [Judy rolls the dice again. Nothing happened] I'll try it again. It's not working.

Alan Parrish: Oh, no. It's not your turn.

Judy Shepherd: Yeah. I rolled first and then Peter twice cause he got doubles, and now it's my turn again.

Alan Parrish: No, look. Two of those pieces are yours, right? Whose are the other pieces? The elephant was mine. You're playing the game I started in 1969. I'm gonna have to play. It's not my turn.

Judy Shepherd: Whose turn is it?

Alan Parrish: [All 3 walk up to a Tudor-style house] Sarah Whittle. This is where she used to live.

Peter Shepherd: This place gives me the creeps.

Alan Parrish: We used to play on this porch. I knew she still wouldn't live here. Probably married Billy Jessup and they're living in a trailer park. Come on, let's go.

Judy Shepherd: Maybe she'll know where Sarah went.

Peter Shepherd: Of course she'll know where Sarah went. She's a psychic.

Alan Parrish: Good point. I remember the porch being bigger.

Judy Shepherd: [knocks on the door] Hello? Um, can you help us?

Sarah Whittle: Do you have an appointment?

Judy Shepherd: No, we're just trying to find someone.

Sarah Whittle: Madam Serena can't see you right now.

Alan Parrish: Maybe you can help us.

Sarah Whittle: [opens the door slightly] What is it?

Alan Parrish: We're looking for someone who used to live here.

Sarah Whittle: [shuts the door] No, I've lived here my whole life.

Judy Shepherd: Well, then you must know Sarah Whittle.

Sarah Whittle: [opens the door] What do you want with Sarah Whittle?

Alan Parrish: Sarah?

Sarah Whittle: No, I don't go by that name anymore.

Alan Parrish: [stick his hand in the door] Sarah Whittle?

Sarah Whittle: What do you want?

Alan Parrish: Twenty-six years ago, you played a game with a little boy down the street. A game with drums.

Sarah Whittle: How do you know that?

Alan Parrish: I was that little boy, Sarah.

Sarah Whittle: [she faints] Alan...

Peter Shepherd: [to Alan] You killed her.

Judy Shepherd: Listen, I know you're upset and all, but I kinda feel we should finish the game.

Alan Parrish: We? Why do you need me?

Judy Shepherd: Well, just in case any scary stuff comes out. Plus, there's a lion in my aunt's bedroom. What am I supposed to do about that?

Alan Parrish: What do I look like, a Ringling Brother?

Judy Shepherd: But she'll be home soon.

Alan Parrish: Won't she be surprised. I hope she's not allergic to cats.

Paramedic: Larry, we need the wheels. Gimme a hand.

Larry: Did we hit her that hard?

Paramedic: No, it looks like another one of those weird bites.

Larry: It's another one.

Paramedic: Geez, that's over 50. What the hell's goin on?

Larry: Easy now.

Judy Shepherd: Hey, look. Isn't that Mrs. Thomas?

Peter Shepherd: Who's that?

Judy Shepherd: The realtor.

Alan Parrish: Quiet. Listen. You hear that?

Judy Shepherd: Hear what?

Alan Parrish: [they get into Mrs. Thomas’ car] Get in the car. Okay, think. What came out of the game before me?

Judy Shepherd: There was a lion, a bunch of monkeys--

Peter Shepherd: That!

Alan Parrish: [The bug pokes through the celling of the car before landing in the wind shield; The mosquito taps the glass of the wind shield causing it to crack] It's okay. It's okay. It's just a bug. But we're safe in here. See? We're fine. As long as we stay low, he can't get through there too far. Don't worry. We're fine. Hey, he can't get us in here. He can't get through the glass. We're safe. Either one of you know how to drive? No? Well, that's no problem. Well, my dad used to let me back the car down the driveway once. So, what's the big deal?

Judy Shepherd: [to Peter] Buckle up.

Alan Parrish: Here we go! Oh, wait a minute. What-- Wait.

Judy Shepherd: Alan, the top!

Alan Parrish: [driving recklessly and hitting a garbage can and mailbox before pulling up to the mansion] Piece of cake. Yeah.

Judy Shepherd: Alan.

Alan Parrish: Keep that thing away from me!

Judy Shepherd: When are you gonna help us play? We've gotta hurry. Our aunt's gonna be home soon.

Alan Parrish: [going into the bathroom and closing the door] Well, good. You can inform her that she's the ex-owner of this house. I hope you realize, with my parents gone, this home belongs to me. Oh, thank you. No more banana leaves.

Judy Shepherd: What do you think those monkeys are gonna do to the ecosystem around here?

Alan Parrish: [singing] Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, A tale of a fateful trip...

Judy Shepherd: [knocking the door] Hello!

Alan Parrish: [singing] That started out on this tropic port aboard this tiny ship, The mate was a mighty sailor man, The skipper brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour...

Judy Shepherd: [sees he attempted to shave and has pieces of tissue covering the nicks] What happened to you. You shave with a piece of glass?

Alan Parrish: What happened to you? The Clampetts have a yard sale? What do you want? I've never shaved before.

Judy Shepherd: Where are you going? How bout Peter and I play, and you just sort of watch?

Alan Parrish: [in the kitchen eating an apple over a bowl] No, thanks. I've seen it.

Judy Shepherd: So if you're not gonna help us, what are you gonna do?

Alan Parrish: I don't know. Pretty much take up where I left off. I wonder if Mrs. Nedermeyer's still teaching sixth grade.

Peter Shepherd: Come on, Judy. He's not gonna help us. He's afraid.

Alan Parrish: What did you say?

Peter Shepherd: You're afraid. It's okay to be afraid. Let's go set it up in the living room.

Alan Parrish: No, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

Peter Shepherd: Whatever it is, we'll handle it by ourselves. We don't need your help.

Alan Parrish: I don't think so. You think monkeys, mosquitoes and lions are bad? That's just the beginning. I've seen things you've only seen in your nightmares. Things you can't even imagine. Things you can't even see. There are things that'll hunt you in the night. Then something screams. Then you hear them eat. And you hope to God that you're not dessert. Afraid? You don't even know what afraid is. You will not last five minutes without me.

Peter Shepherd: So are you gonna help us?

Alan Parrish: I'll watch. But I'm not afraid.

Judy Shepherd: Peter, that was very cool.

Peter Shepherd: That's reverse psychology. Dad used to pull it on me all the time.

Carl Bentley: [calling dispatch in his cruiser] Gimme that description again.

Radio: I said, red fur and long tail.

Carl Bentley: [Alan jumps up on Carl’s cop car] Get down off of my car, please. And get up on the sidewalk.

Alan Parrish: [[year] What ] is it?

Carl Bentley: It was brand new.

Alan Parrish: No. What year is it?

Judy Shepherd: Uh, 1995, remember?

Alan Parrish: 95.

Carl Bentley: [[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan] You got some I.D.? Oh, let me guess. You left it in your other ] outfit, right?

Alan Parrish: Twenty-six years.

Carl Bentley: Are you from around here?

Alan Parrish: I was! But I've been in Jumanji.

Judy Shepherd: [[w:Peace Corps|the Peace Corps] Indonesia. He was in the ].

Alan Parrish: [looking at Carl’s badge and whispering to himself] Bentley. Carl Bentley, the Soleman.

Carl Bentley: [About Alan, still dressed in jungle garb] Is this man related to you?

Judy Shepherd: Yes, sir. He's our uncle.

Carl Bentley: Does he always dress like that?

Judy Shepherd: Well, yeah, he's a vegetarian.

Alan Parrish: [notices 2 monkeys inside Carl's car; Screeches and makes monkey noises; to Judy, Peter, and Carl] Get out of there! Monkeys! Monkeys.

Carl Bentley: [Taps at his temple] Is he all right upstairs?

Judy Shepherd: Uh, he suffered a head injury a few months ago.

Carl Bentley: [the monkeys discharge the shotgun and drive away] Hey! Hey-- What? Don't you move! Freeze! Hey!

Alan Parrish: Don't move. Don't move.

Judy Shepherd: Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going?

Alan Parrish: To find my parents!

Judy Shepherd: [to Peter; She and Peter follow Alan] Come on.

Judy Shepherd: Wait!

Alan Parrish: [barges into the office] My dad used to make shoes here. They were the best shoes in New England. Hey! Sorry.

Shoe Factory Bum: [his dog attempts to get up, but he stops her] Easy, girl.

Alan Parrish: Sorry. Do you know what happened to this shoe factory?

Shoe Factory Bum: Yeah, it folded up, like everything else in this town. Hey, it's pretty cold out there. How bout some coffee?

Alan Parrish: Why would they close Parrish Shoes?

Shoe Factory Bum: [gives him some clothes] Well, when his kid ran away, Sam put all he had into trying to find him. His time, his money. Everything. After a while, he stopped comin to work. He just quit caring. I don't think anybody loved his boy more than Sam did. Here. You're gonna freeze out there.

Alan Parrish: Thank you. Are the Parrishes still around?

Shoe Factory Bum: I see em now and then.

Alan Parrish: Yeah?

Shoe Factory Bum: They're over on Adams Street.

Judy Shepherd: Our parents are dead too. They were in the Middle East negotiating peace when--

Peter Shepherd: [glares at Judy] Our dad was in advertising.

Alan Parrish: [Alan places his hat on the headstone and walks away] I bet you miss him, huh? Me too.

Judy Shepherd: There he goes again.

Judy Shepherd: [she and Peter run back up to the attic; Reads; The monkeys convene on the front lawn and then split up to go in opposite directions] I bet those monkeys came from the game. The mosquitoes too. Uh-oh. I didn't see this part. "Adventurers beware." "Adventurers beware. Do not begin unless you intend to finish. The exciting consequences of the game will vanish only when a player has reached Jumanji and called out its name.

Peter Shepherd: The monkeys are gone.

Judy Shepherd: Good.

Peter Shepherd: [Peter starts putting the game away but Judy reminds him] Put it away.

Judy Shepherd: Wait! The instructions say if we finish the game, it'll all go away. We better do it, or Aunt Nora's gonna pitch a fit. We should just get through it quickly. I mean, there's no skill involved. No, you rolled doubles. You get another turn. Roll!

Peter Shepherd: [The monkey token moves 5 spaces] Five. "His fangs are sharp. He likes your taste. Your party better move poste haste.

Judy Shepherd: I don't like the sound of that.

Peter Shepherd: Judy, someone's in here.

Judy Shepherd: [The lion roars and chases both children out of the attic] It's not real, Peter. It's a hallucination. Run, Peter!

Alan Parrish: [sniffs and opens the closet door in Judy and Peter screams] Aah! I'm back. My bike.

Alan Parrish: Somebody roll a five or an eight?

Judy Shepherd: He did.

Alan Parrish: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Sorry if I scared you. Sorry if I scared you. Thank you. I'm back! Mom! Dad! I'm home! I'm back! It's me! It's me, Alan, Mom and Dad! I'm home! I'm back. Are you my little sister?

Judy Shepherd: No. I'm Judy and he's Peter.

Alan Parrish: Where's Mom? Is Dad at the factory?

Judy Shepherd: Are you Alan Parrish?

Alan Parrish: Yeah. Who are you?

Judy Shepherd: We live here now.

Alan Parrish: Where's my mom and dad?

Judy Shepherd: We don't know. This house has been empty for years. Everyone thought you were dead. Sorry.

Aunt Nora: If I get held up at the permit office, I'll give you a call. School bus should be here any minute. You guys still have your house keys? You guys listening to me? Hello? Hello?

Judy Shepherd: What?

Aunt Nora: Maybe I should wait with you till the bus comes. Did your parents used to put you on the bus?

Judy Shepherd: No. No.

Aunt Nora: Are you sure? I could drop you off.

Judy Shepherd: No, don't worry about us. The bus'll be here any minute.

Aunt Nora: Okay. Please be good today.

Judy Shepherd: You do hear it.

Peter Shepherd: Hear what?

Judy Shepherd: [her and Peter run up to the attic and pull out the game] Where's it coming from? Wow. Let's bring it over here.

Peter Shepherd: Weird. They're stuck.

Judy Shepherd: [Peter takes two more tokens, Obsidian Crocodile and Jade Monkey, inside the drawer. As he examines the other two Tokens, they were automatically pulled to their starting points.] Jumanji. A game for those who seek to find a way to leave their world behind. You roll the dice to move your token. Doubles get another turn. The first player to reach the end wins." It's gotta be microchips or something.

Peter Shepherd: You go first.

Judy Shepherd: [rolls 6; she witnesses the crocodile game piece moving six spaces] Okay. Six. "A tiny bite can make you itch, make you sneeze, make you twitch.

Judy Shepherd: Don't!

Peter Shepherd: This will not be an easy mission; monkeys slow the expedition.

Judy Shepherd: What is that?

Exterminator: I don't see any guano.

Judy Shepherd: [consulting a book] He said it looked like that.

Exterminator: That's an African bat. Some kid said she saw a bunch of those back in the 60s. But we don't get bats like that in New England.

Judy Shepherd: But that's what he saw.

Exterminator: Well, whatever it was is gone now. Bats aren't what I'd worry about in this house any ways.

Judy Shepherd: What would you worry about?

Exterminator: Well, personally I wouldn't wanna live in a house where someone was murdered.

Judy Shepherd: Murdered?

Exterminator: Yep. Little Alan Parrish. I say his father did it. There's a thousand and one places he could have hid the body in this house. Especially if he chopped it up first.

Aunt Nora: Hey, up there! You kids don't wanna be late for your first day of school.

Exterminator: Not a bat in sight, ma'am.

Aunt Nora: Ya hear that? There is nothing to be afraid of in this house.

Aunt Nora: I can't believe I have to see your principal after the first day. What am I gonna do? Let's just try to relax and finish our dinner and talk about something else.

Judy Shepherd: Well, we found out why you got this house so cheap. Twenty-six years ago, a kid named Alan Parrish used to live here. Then one day, he just disappeared cause his parents chopped him up in little pieces and hid him in the walls.

Aunt Nora: [To Judy, putting her foot down; [w:Grounded (video game)|grounded.; Judy gets up and leaves] Okay, that's it. I'm sick and tired of your lies, young lady, you're ]

Judy Shepherd: Fine. There's nowhere to go in this stupid town anyway. And just for your information, that wasn't a lie.

Judy Shepherd: Did you hear anything a little while ago?

Peter Shepherd: Do you miss Mom and Dad?

Judy Shepherd: No.

Peter Shepherd: Liar. If you don't cut that out, they're gonna send you to a shrink.

Judy Shepherd: Where do you think they're gonna send you if you don't start talking?

Mrs. Thomas: I think a bed-and-breakfast is just what this town needs.

Aunt Nora: Well, it's pretty hard to pass up, especially full of furniture. Oh, boy! I keep forgetting how big this place is. Judy, Peter, come look at this. I'm gonna put a reception area over here. And a bar over here in the parlor.

Mrs. Thomas: That sounds lovely. I'm sure you and your kids are gonna be very happy here.

Aunt Nora: Oh. Well, actually, they're my late brother's. He and his wife passed away just last winter. Is this something, or what?

Judy Shepherd: It sure is.

Mrs. Thomas: So, what do you think, young man? Is it big enough for you?

Judy Shepherd: Peter hasn't spoken a word since it happened.

Mrs. Thomas: Oh, my. I'm so sorry. How terribly awful.

Judy Shepherd: [laughing, shaking her head and walking away as she knowingly told Mrs. Thomas a lie] It's okay. We barely even knew our parents. They were always away-- skiing in Saint Moritz, gambling in Monte Carlo, safariing in darkest Africa. We didn't even know if they loved us. But when the sheik's yacht went down, well, they managed to write us a really beautiful good-bye note that was found floating in a champagne bottle amongst the debris. Excuse me.

Aunt Nora: They were very devoted parents. It was a car crash in Canada. So you'll send me those escrow papers?

Mrs. Thomas: First thing tomorrow.

Aunt Nora: [trying to unlock Alan’s room] I'll have to get a locksmith out for this one. Peter, pick up your toys, please. Peter, take this suitcase up to the attic. Then we can all have ice cream…and bourbon.

Aunt Nora: What? What is it?

Judy Shepherd: I'm going to Motel 6.

Aunt Nora: Oh, for heaven's sake.

Judy Shepherd: Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going?

Justine: The Earth is evil. We don't need to grieve for it.

Justine: Close your eyes. Hold my hand.

Rose Gordon: Well, brother Phil, we had such a nice trip.

Phil Burbank: I'm not your brother. You're a cheap schemer.

Rose Gordon: What is it, George?

George Burbank: I just want to say... how nice it is not to be alone.

Amber Atkins: Oh no, my mom never kept a secret of the fact my dad chose his career over us. What was it she used to say? Once a carnie, always a carnie. Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.

Mary Jane Watson: He's not dead. I don't believe you.

Mary Jane Watson: Hey! Hey! ( loud whistle blowing at once ) I'm talking to you! You got what you needed for your little science project, now, let me go.

Mary Jane Watson: Do you love me or not?

Claudia: [''Puts arms around him''] Locked together in hatred. But I can't hate you, Louis. Louis, my love. I was mortal till you... gave me your immortal kiss. You became my mother and my father. And so I'm yours forever. But now it's time to end it, Louis. Now it's time to leave him. He will never let us go.

Claudia: Snatching me from my mother's hands, like two monsters in a fairytale. And now you weep! I haven't tears enough for what you've done to me.

Claudia: Your evil is that you cannot be evil. And I shall suffer for it no longer!

Claudia: You have found your new companion, Louis! You will make me mine!

Claudia: I'll put you in your coffin!

Claudia: Locked together in hatred. But I can't hate you, Louis. Louis, my love, I was mortal until you gave me your immortal kiss. You became my mother and my father, and so I'm yours forever. But now it's time to end it, Louis. Now it's time to leave him.

Claudia: And here it is. And I hate you both!

Claudia: Which one of you did it?! One of you did it! Which one of you made me the way I am?!

Lux Lisbon: Do you like to wrestle?

Mary Jane Watson: Tell me again. Was I really good? I was so nervous, my knees were shaking.

Peter: Your knees were fine.

Mary Jane: The applause wasn't very loud.

Peter: Yes, it was. Well, it's the acoustics. It's all about diffusion. It keeps the sound waves from grouping. You see when the sound waves, they propogate, then it–

M.J.: You are such a nerd.

Mary Jane Watson: Everybody needs help sometimes, Peter. Even Spider-Man.

Lee: You are aware there's a really huge civil war going on everywhere?

Shop Assistant: We usually try to stay out of it. With everything that's been going on, it seems like it's for the best.

Lee: 300. For half a tank and two cans.

Pete: 300 buys you a sandwich. We got ham... or cheese?

Lee: [[w:Canadian dollar|Canadian] 300 ].

Pete: ... Okay.

Nationalist paramilitary 1: White, there's one hung up in there.

Joel: Hey! Hey, guys. What’s happening? Guess there’s some kind of misunderstanding here.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Yeah?

Joel: Yes, sir. Those two guys over there, they’re my colleagues.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: What kind of colleagues?

Joel: Journalists, sir. We’re actually just... We’re passing through.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Passing through to where?

Joel: [[w:Charlottesville, Virginia|Charlottesville] ].

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Charlottesville? What’s in Charlottesville?

Joel: Good hiking. I hear. Actually we are... no, we’re covering the university campus there. They started the new program. They are re-opening the school, which is a surreal feel good story.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Mm-hmm. And I guess we all need that. Right?

Joel: Yeah.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: [Referring to Bohai] This guy is your colleague?

Joel: Yeah.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: This guy here?

Joel: [Nationalist paramilitary shoots him] Yes, he’s my...

Nationalist paramilitary 2: That guy?

Joel: Sir. Just...

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Just what? Just what? You know what?

Joel: This... Just, please.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: What?

Joel: Just, please. Sir, please. Please. Sure. Yes, speak. Let us... we’re American journalists.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: You told me that already.

Joel: [[w:Reuters|Reuters] Okay, we... We work for ].

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Reuters doesn’t sound American.

Joel: It’s a news agency.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: I know what Reuters is. Sir. Okay. I’m just saying... just saying, just what?

Joel: We’re American, okay?

Nationalist paramilitary 2: [[w:Central America|Central American; [w:South America|South American] Okay. What kind of American are you? ], ]? What?

Joel: [[w:Florida|Florida] ].

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Florida? Central? What about you? Where are you from?

Lee: Tell him, Jessie.

Jessie: [[w:Missouri|Missouri] ].

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Missouri? The "Show-Me" state, right?

Jessie: Yes.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: You know what they call it?

Jessie: Yes.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: Why do they call it the "Show-Me" state?

Jessie: I don’t know.

Nationalist paramilitary 2: [chuckles; to Lee] You don’t know? It’s American. It is American. 100 percent. What about you? Where are you from?

Lee: [[w:Colorado|Colorado] ].

Nationalist paramilitary 2: [[w:English language|speak English] Colorado. Colorado, Missouri. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s American. Who is this guy hiding over here? Hey. Buddy. What’s your deal? Where are you from? Huh? Where are you from? What? You can’t speak? Are you mute? You can’t ]? Yes, you can? Yes, you can. Okay. You open your mouth and tell me where you’re from. Just make sure it’s clear fucking English. Okay? Where are you from?

Tony: [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong] I’m from... I’m from ].

Nationalist paramilitary 2: [[w:China|China; shoots him] Oh, ]? China.

Lee: Every time I survived a war zone, I thought I was sending a warning home - "Don't do this". But here we are.

Lee: Once you start asking those questions you can't stop. So we don't ask. We record so other people ask.