Oliver Platt Quotes

Maffio Venier It must be interesting to be in a room full of men, most of whom you've seen with their pants down.

Veronica Franco Puts it all in some kind of perspective.

Kelly Scott His scales were oval. He's an Asian Crocodile.

Sheriff Hank Keough Why... why would he come here? I mean, it's impossible. Asia. How would he get here?

Hector Cyr Obviously some asshole in Hong Kong flushed him down the toilet.

Paul Bunyan That's a tall tale. That's a tall tale for sure.

Vernon Nice dog, huh, Doc? He's perfect for the animal experiment.

Dr. Varnick Get everything ready. I'll be by in the morning. We'll do the test on him first thing.

Harvey Sure thing.

Harvey Okay, good doggie. Good doggie. OK, close the door. Close the door.

Vernon I've got him. Come on!

Harvey Good doggie. Come here, doggie. Come on!

Harvey Okay, I got him. Good, good. I got him. Come on, doggie.

Vernon Not you! Not you! The dog!

Vernon Put him in. Okay, you got him? In the cage. Get in.

Vernon SHUT UP!! There. Doc will work on him first thing in the morning, and then he's one dead puppy.

Porthos Rochefort. Isn't that a smelly kind of cheese?

Ark AI Impact warning. Thirty degrees west. Forty-five degrees east. Target elevation, 29,035 feet.

Carl Anheuser Twenty-nine thousand feet? What the hell is at 29,000 feet!?

Captain Michaels We're headed straight for the north face of ], Mr. Anheuser and if we do not start our engines, we will not survive the impact.

Paul Bunyan You watch your mouth, Pecos! Babe's very sensitive.

Paul Bunyan Never enough for you termites, is it? Not enough you swindled me out of my camp, robbed me of my trade. Now you want my woods, too. You want it all! I'm makin my stand! At least, if I go down swinging, I go down like a man!

Sheriff Hank Keough I... I... I never heard of a crocodile crossing an ocean.

Hector Cyr Well, they conceal information like that in books.

Carl Anheuser She's a smart girl, she'll understand.

Adrian Helmsley That thing in Paris, we're not involved in any of that, are we?

Anheuser We"? Who's "we", what are you talking about? What we need to do is focus on the timeline.

Helmsley So when do we let the country know?

Anheuser What?

Helmsley The people, sir. They need to know.

Anheuser Well, of course they do. Listen, your job is to figure out when this is all gonna fall apart, my mission is to figure out how to retain some semblance of government after it falls apart, and until then, we don't have time for anything except for doing those jobs, okay? Now, you call me the moment you get any news from Yellowstone.

Helmsley Yes, sir.

Anheuser Cute girl, eh?

Helmsley Sir?

Anheuser The First Daughter. I saw you looking at her.

Helmsley I wasn't looking at her.

Anheuser Better move fast, kid. The end is near.

Rev. Russell I'd like to take a few minutes to discuss some of the upcoming activities on the church calendar.

Simon Birch Here we go.

Ben Goodrich What's wrong, Simon?

Simon Birch Who knows what God thinks about current events?

Rev. Russell Does someone have a question?

Ben Goodrich Uh, no, sir - um, your honor, no,...Father, thank you. No, sir.

Rev. Russell It's always nice to see new faces in the congregation. I'd like to invite them downstairs to join my wife and children, and myself for coffee and doughnuts downstairs after the service.

Simon Birch What does coffee and doughnuts have to do with God?

Grandmother Wenteworth Simon, you better be quiet!

Rev. Russell Simon, is there something you'd like to share with us?

Simon Birch I said, "What does coffee and doughnuts have to do with God?

Rev. Russell They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and, uh, and discuss the upcoming activities.

Simon Birch Who ever said the church needs a continental breakfast?

Rev. Russell -Simon!

Simon Birch I doubt that God is interested in our church activities.

Rev. Russell -Simon!

Simon Birch -If God has made the church bake sale a priority, then I'd say we're all in a lot of trouble.

Randy Steckle I did not come to medical school to murder my class mates no matter how deranged they might be.

Bulworth What is it exactly you're concerned about, Murphy?

Dennis Murphy I'm concerned that you stood up in front of three hundred people in a black church and told them that they were not a factor and never would be as long as we remain in the pocket of the insurance lobby! I'm concerned that you went to a fundraiser in Beverly Hills and told various leaders of the entertainment industry that they make a lousy product, and since many of them also happen to be Jewish, you decided the PRUDENT thing to do would be to MOCK their Jewish paranoia! I'm concerned that we are in an after-hours club in Compton on the eve of the most important event of the campaign swing, where God knows how much illegal activity is taking place and YOU are SMOKING MARIJUANA! Now, Senator - I work for you. You call the shots. But I will be able to do my job so much better if you will just simply tell me ... what is this new strategy? Just tell me a little bit!

Randy Steckle What is it that hangs in the air, palpably? Is it hope? Is it fear? Is it the musky mist of death?

Joe Hurley Shut up, Steckle.

Randy Steckle No, you shut up.

Randy Steckle Good thing I didn't flatline. My 350-pound babysitter would be chasing me for the half-eaten pastrami sandwich I stole from her.

Porthos Athos, you cannot fight this boy.

Athos Why not?

Porthos I'm fighting him.

D'Artagnan Not until one o'clock.

Aramis I have a duel with him, too.

D'Artagnan Not until two o'clock.

Harvey I really don't like it when you tease the dogs.

Vernon What are you, some kind of animal lover?

Paul Bunyan He's bad news, Bill. In britches.

High Priest Rub me with oil..

Oh With my hands?

high priest No, with your nutsack, of course with your hands.

Paul Bunyan Pecos? Let me take a gander at ya... You steamin pile of buffalo puckey. You're still ugly.

Aramis Only the wrong words are a complete waste of time. The right words can leave a more lasting impression than a thousand of Porthos kisses.

Barmaid Not likely.

Aramis Shall I demonstrate? As morning hues of sunswept fire caress your passioned face, alone with thee a pure desire to worship untold grace. My soul would cry in silent prayer to an hour swept apart. Your essence warms the evening air as I dance into your heart.

D'Artagnan Shakespeare.

Aramis Aramis.

Porthos Fleeting.

Barmaid It was beautiful.

Aramis Oh, thank you.

Adrian Helmsley Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dr. Adrian Helmsley, chief science adviser to the late President Wilson.

German Chancellor Could you please turn up the volume, Mr. Hoffmann?

Helmsley I know we've all been forced to make difficult decisions to save our human civilization, but to be human means to care for each other and civilization means to work together to create a better life. If that's true, then there's nothing human and nothing civilized about what we're doing here.

Carl Anheuser Dr. Helmsley's passion is admirable, but I will remind you that we have very limited resources and extremely limited time.

Helmsley Ask yourselves, can we really stand by and watch these people die? I read a quote two days ago. The author is probably dead by now, but he said: "The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment that we lose our humanity.

Anheuser And in order to save the human race, we have an obligation to stick to this plan, which every nation on this flotilla has signed up for.

Helmsley We have to let these people in-

Anheuser They're in God's hands now! Officer, you turn that off. That is an order, sailor! TURN IT OFF!

Professor West Don't you dare touch that button, young man!

Anheuser Have you completely lost your mind?! LOOK AT THE CLOCK! WE HAVE BARELY 15 MINUTES LEFT! Do you wanna be responsible for the extinction of the human race? Can you handle that, Adrian?

Helmsley There's a young astrophysicist from India who's the reason we're all here.

Anheuser Oh, for God's sake.

Helmsley He's the one who discovered it all. He connected all the dots. We all owe him our lives. I just learned that he was killed with his family in a tsunami in eastern India. He was my friend, and he died in vain. Everybody out there has died in vain if we start our future with an act of cruelty. What would you tell your children? What will they tell theirs?

Laura Wilson If my father were here, he would open the gates.

Russian President The people of Russia along with China and Japan, agree... to open the gates.

German Chancellor The United Kingdom, Spain, France, Canada, Germany and I believe I may also speak for the Italian prime minister, we vote to let these people come in.

Helmsley Captain Michaels. Please.

Capt. Michaels This is the captain. In a few moments, we will open the gates and get you people in. Please step back and clear the platform.

Porthos You, boy, are arrogant, hot-tempered and entirely too bold. I like that. It reminds me of me.

Kelly Scott Did you want to be killed by it?

Hector Cyr You think I'm that nuts?

Kelly Scott Hector, what you just did, there had to be some sort of death wish going on.

Hector Cyr In ancient Malenesia people suspected of crime's would be thrown to the crocodiles. Crocodiles would decide. They would be the judge.

Kelly Scott Oh, so that was you wanting to be judged out there?

Hector Cyr Maybe I was, and so what? Is that too arbitrary? Better to be measured by my wealth? Better for me to get my self-esteem looking into the eyes of cheap sycophants craving a meal ticket? There was more honesty in those dragon's eyes. There was more dignity in those dragon's eyes...

Kelly Scott Jesus, Hector cut the shit.

Hector Cyr Aw, fuck it.

Paul Bunyan I told Sam, "They're not loggers, they're butchers! Them and their fancy machines, cuttin down everything in sight, the weak with the strong. A sapling won't get to full growth". Said, "Nothing will ever sprout again". You know what Sam said? He said I was behind the times. Me. Paul Bunyan. The man who invented logging. Who thought up the double-bladed axe, huh? Me. Who dreamed up the ]? Me again. Don't think it's easy! My head hurt for days, coming up with that one! What about the ]? Flapjack contest! Wedge cutting! Three point stance! Me, me, me, me!

Randy Steckle Halloween morning. Rotting pumpkins. Burning leaves. Black cats mating like rats in the alley. It was as if . . . it were as if we felt no fear, as if we were already dead and had nothing to lose by dying. Or perhaps it was because we had lived life so well, and loved life so much, that we fancied ourselves immortal, overwhelming the powers that be with the force of our passion for science. Or maybe we were just fucked in the head.

Rupert Burns What do they say? Andrew Martin: That you can lose yourself. Everything. All boundaries. All time. That two bodies can become so mixed up, that you don't know who's who or what's what. And just when the sweet confusion is so intense you think you're gonna die... you kind of do. Leaving you alone in your separate body, but the one you love is still there. That's a miracle. You can go to heaven and come back alive. You can go back anytime you want with the one you love. Rupert Burns: And you want to experience that? Andrew Martin: Oh, yes, please. Rupert Burns: So do I.

D'Artagnan They're shooting at us!

Porthos Champagne?

Athos We're in the middle of a chase, Porthos!

Porthos You're right. Something red.

Paul Bunyan I'm Paul Bunyan! I'm 300 pounds of raging fury! You're in trouble now! Don't point your little gun at me, you sissy! I can out-eat, out-swing any one of you! I'm Paul Bunyan!