Steve Coogan Quotes

24 Hour Party People

Drink Offer Among Friends

Tony Wilson Can I buy you half a lager?

Rob Gretton You can buy me a pint.

Ian Curtis Wilson, ya fucking cunt!

[shouting across the bar]

Tony Wilson That's original. Your drink's coming. Is he a friend of yours?

[to Rob]

Rob Gretton Yeah, he's our singer.

Ian Curtis Out of the way, Steve.

[crossing the bar to approach Tony]

Tony Wilson Hi, Tony Wilson, pleased to meet you.

Tony Wilson ... Is he gonna hit me? You're quite close to me there.

Ian Curtis Yeah, I know, I wanna be.

Tony Wilson Why?

Ian Curtis Cos you're a cunt, mate.

Tony Wilson I know, I heard you the first time.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Night at the Museum

Conflict Among Historical Figures

Larry Daley Hey! Guys! Hey, guys! Hey! Guys!

[snaps his fingers, which to Jed and Octavius the sound is deafening]

Jedediah and Octavius Ow!

Larry Daley Sorry. What's goin on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.

Octavius We will never coexist with these buffoons!

Jedediah We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!

Octavius Ha! Those guns don't even work.

Jedediah Oh, they don't? Take a look at this.

Octavius Ay!

Jedediah Don't kick me!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

Unexpected Encounter in Ancient Pompeii

Jed Where the heck are we?

Octavius Ohh... Pompeii.

Jed This is the last round up!

Octavius We must never speak of what happened here today.

Jed Come on, that wasn't necessary!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Dreams and Realities of Life in Your 50s

Pat Farrell Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s?

Alan Partridge I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did.

Pat Farrell Penny for them.

Alan Partridge Keep the penny, you've got a gun. But, yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover towing a speed boat.

Pat Farrell I used to dream about growing old with someone I love.

Alan Partridge Hm. Both valid.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

A Concern for Timeliness and Family

Monique La Roche Don't let him go. He'll be lost by midnight. Go.

[just after Philieas has discovered the truth and is leaving]

Phileas Fogg More of your relatives, I suppose?

[outside, surrounded by thugs with swords to his neck as Passepartout finds him]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

The Loss of Scent in a Changed World

Alan Partridge It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of smell. In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

A Tense Exchange in the Underworld

Hades Persephone! What could possibly be taking so long? Don't ignore me!

[yelling]

Persephone Or WHAT?! What will you do? I'm already in Hell.

[yells back; quietly]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Alan Partridge's Take on Musical Royalty

Alan Partridge That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

A Bold Expression of Affection

Tony Wilson I love you! Can you finish me off?

[After Lindsay storms off when catching him with the prostitute; to Lindsay; To the prostitute]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

The Flexibility of Rules

Phileas Fogg Yes, well... rules are made to be broken. Or... stabbed by a... spikey shoe.

[upon seeing General Fang's knife shoe embedded in his red book of rules]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

Inspiration Found in a Dreamer

Phileas Fogg I travelled the world for inspiration, and found it in a man who lives what he dreams.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

Timing and Personal Matters in Life

Dana Marschz It's getting late... and my wife is ovulating.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Alan Partridge's Encounter with a Seagull

Alan Partridge Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull. Have you come to take my spirit away? Go, gull! Gull... gull... gull.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Lending My Soul for Cash

Alan Partridge I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn. I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media on a long-term basis for cash. It's a very different thing.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

The Importance of Band Chemistry

Tony Wilson Every band needs its own special chemistry. And Bez was a very good chemist.

[About the Happy Mondays, and when Shaun Ryder is introduced to Bez]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Alan Partridge's Unique Self-Description

Alan Partridge I am siege face.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Critique of New Age Spirituality

Tony Wilson Energy, energy? You don't know what energy is. That is nothing more than a lot of new age hokum masquerading as spirituality.

[To Lindsay, who's breaking up with him after Ian Curtis's death]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Alan Partridge's Unconventional Response to Pressure

Alan Partridge I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off.

[pulled back into the building by a rope]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

Unexpected Confidence Amidst Personal Struggles

Dana Marschz I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now - but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol!

[in commercial]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

Provocative Comments on Theater and Controversy

Cricket Feldstein Well, this play is gonna bitch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a gangbang.

Dana Marschz Uh... yeah.

Cricket Feldstein Y'know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of dicks, cause all I ended up doing was giving you free publicity.

Dana Marschz Yeah, and did you see my dressing room? It has a bidet!

Elisabeth Shue That was a sink.

Dana Marschz It was?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

Phileas Fogg Asks for Charity

Phileas Fogg Alms? Alms for the poor?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

The Latest Craze Sweeping the Pennines

Tony Wilson Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's the latest craze sweeping the Pennines. I've got to be honest with you... right now I'd rather be sweeping the Pennines.

[first lines]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

Debate on Progress and Scientific Discovery

Phileas Fogg Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.

Lord Kelvin Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!

Phileas Fogg By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.

Lord Kelvin We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".

Colonel Kitchener Confound it! The bloody Bank of England is a madhouse!

[marches into the room]

Scientist #1 Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.

[whispers in Passepartout's ear]

Scientist #2 Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.

Lord Rhodes Uh, no, actually, they say he was Norwegian.

Scientist #3 In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.

Scientist #4 Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.

Phileas Fogg Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank. Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!

[everyone gasps in anger]

Lord Kelvin As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.

Phileas Fogg You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.

Lord Kelvin Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.

Phileas Fogg Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.

[gets out his pocket watch]

Lord Salisbury If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!

Phileas Fogg Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.

Lord Kelvin Outstanding idea. Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.

[Passepartout smiles]

Phileas Fogg I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs.

[turns to go]

Lord Kelvin You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.

Phileas Fogg It CAN! I can do it.

[stops and wheels round]

Lord Kelvin A wager. £10,000!

Phileas Fogg Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.

Lord Kelvin I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.

Phileas Fogg There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy. With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.

[chattering begins]

Lord Kelvin Fair enough.

Lord Salisbury What?

Lord Kelvin I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again. Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver...oh, nothing!

[Phileas is taken aback by this vow, not knowing what to say]

Phileas Fogg I'll take your wager.

[quietly]

Lord Kelvin What did you say?

Phileas Fogg I'LL TAKE YOUR WAGER!

Lord Kelvin Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!

Phileas Fogg History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science... ...by the strike of noon... ...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!

[roller-skates up to Kelvin; Big Ben strikes noon; Passepartout smiles]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Anticipation for a Great Event

Tony Wilson They didn't hand out tickets to the ]. People just turned up, they knew it was a good gig.

[To Peter Saville, about the tickets to the opening night of the Haçienda; [w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Unexpected Apology Amidst a Nostalgic Tune

Alan Partridge Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

The Consequences of Poor Choices

Dana Marschz It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

The Hygiene Debate of Fist Bumps

Alan Partridge Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?

[about fistbumps]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

Defiance Against Authority in Theatre

Cricket Feldstein No one is shutting down this play. The Justice Department and the so-called Supreme Court can suck my balls.

Dana Marschz Why do they have to do this?

Cricket Feldstein My balls?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

A Minor Character in My Own Story

Tony Wilson OK. I should have found time to tell you earlier: I did have children with my second wife, Hilary, and there was a time when I was with Lindsay when that was all I wanted, and no, I've not been the best father in the world; yes, I could have been there, more than I have; and obviously I've got regrets. But this is not a film about me. I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be. I'm a minor character in my own story. This is a film about the music, and the people who made the music: Ian Curtis, Shaun Ryder, and Martin Hannett.

[On the glossing over of Hilary, his second wife]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Night at the Museum

Misunderstanding of Size and Conflict

Larry Daley Oh, my...

[sees the miniature knights]

Octavius Prepare the catapults.

Jedediah Whoa, Octavius, hold on! This ain't your fight! This here giant's on our land!

Larry Daley Hey, hey, little guy. Jed. Yeah. Sorry. Look, I just... I'm not a giant, okay? I'm just like an average size.

Jedediah Don't talk down to me.

Larry Daley I'm not a giant, guys. All right? You guys are really little.

[to the miniature knights]

Octavius We may be small. But our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.

Larry Daley Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying you're miniatures.

Octavius Silence! The Roman Empire knows no boundaries.

Jedediah Don't you do it, son.

Larry Daley Do what?

Jedediah Octavius!

Larry Daley Don't do what?

Octavius UNLEASH HELL!!!

Jedediah D'oh!

Knight FIRE!

Teddy Roosevelt Climb aboard, boy. Take the hand, son. On board.

[reaches his hand; Larry climbs on Teddy's horse]

Jedediah THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN, BOY! YOU HEAR JEDEDIAH?! THAT MUSTACHIOED HORSEMAN AIN'T ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE TO PROTECT YOU! YOU HEAR ME?!

[calling out to Larry]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Unexpected Conversation About a Sun-Tanned Child

Alan Partridge I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Confrontation of Power and Physicality

Tony Wilson You can't threaten me anymore, Martin. You're a big man, but you're out of shape, although you could sit on me.

[To an overweight Martin Hannett, during some sessions with the Happy Mondays]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Before Postmodernism Became Fashionable

Tony Wilson I'm being postmodern, before it was fashionable.

[To the camera, while leaving Granada studios with Yvette Livesey for the first time]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

A Risk for Belief and Consequence

Phileas Fogg I risked everything, my entire life's work.

Passepartout For something you believe in. Nothing could make more sense than that, sir.

Phileas Fogg You're an honourable man, Passepartout, but I'm afraid this was a calamitous lapse of judgement.

[smiles for a moment]

Passepartout Mr. Fogg, maybe we should let your family-

[turns around and sees a painting of Fogg's family]

Phileas Fogg There really is no one left to tell. This house and my inventions are all I have.

Passepartout And a brave new French valet that will help you make it around the world in 80 days.

Phileas Fogg You really believe we can succeed?

Passepartout Yes.

Phileas Fogg Yes! YES... You're mad, we'll be sliced to pieces before we reach India.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Panic Attack in a Car Wash

Alan Partridge Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Other Guys

A Clever Idea Acknowledged

David Ershon This was a very clever idea.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Alan Partridge's Unconventional Comparison of Michael

Alan Partridge Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

A Disturbing Expression of Frustration

Dana Marschz I feel like I've been raped....IN THE FACE!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Comparing Shaun Ryder to W.B. Yeats

Tony Wilson You know, I think Shaun Ryder is on a par with W.B. Yeats as a poet.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Interpretations of Divine Creation in Dialogue

Tony Wilson It's says so in the Bible, though, doesn't it? God made man in His own image'.

Rob Gretton Yeah - but not a specific man.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

A Humorous Admission of Mistake

Rob Gretton You've dropped a bollock, haven't you?

Tony Wilson Yes, I've dropped a bollock. I've dropped a big massive hairy bollock.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Confidence in Leadership and Identity

Tony Wilson I am not a lump of hash. I'm in charge of Factory Records. I think.

[After a stoned Martin Hannett tries to set fire to him]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Other Guys

Concerns About Computers Taking Control

David Ershon Wait! Computers. What if one day...they were in charge?

[with a gun pointed at him]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

Traveling the World in a Month

Phileas Fogg Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Symbolism and Reality in Storytelling

Tony Wilson You’re gonna be seeing a lot more of that sort of thing in the film. All of that actually did happen. Obviously, it’s symbolic. It works on both levels. I don’t want to tell you too much, don’t want to spoil the film. But I’ll just say, "Icarus." OK? If you know what I mean, great. If you don’t, doesn’t matter. But you should probably read more.

[First address to camera; after his hang-gliding news report]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Business Wisdom and Personal Conflict

Jason Cresswell Never take your eye off the ball, Pat. First rule of business. Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity when it arises, like I was just then. Yeah. Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian. You're a runt.

Pat Farrell Is that what you think, Alan?

Alan Partridge I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words. Well, I think... I think... The sort of the gist of what, you know...

Pat Farrell I just don't like bullies.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Tropic Thunder

Confrontation on Set

Les Grossman I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?

Damien Cockburn Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.

Les Grossman And who here is the key grip? You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard!

[the key grip raises his hand]

Key Grip Sorry, man.

[reluctantly walks over to Damien; punches him in the face]

Les Grossman This is all your fault, you Limey fuck! You shit the money-bed, my friend.

Damien Cockburn What?

Rob Slolom God damn it, Damien! with all due respect, Les Grossman did not blow up the jungle.

Damien Cockburn What?

Les Grossman Fuck the jungle.

Rob Slolom Exactly! come on, man.

Damien Cockburn Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry! he can't cry!

Les Grossman You know how you handle an actor? they whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.

Rob Slolom You spank that ass, Les.

Damien Cockburn What?

Four-Leaf Tayback Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.

Les Grossman Who is this guy?

[beat]

Rob Slolom Les, that's Four Leaf.

Four Leaf Tayback Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.

Les Grossman Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job! Look, Cockburn.

Damien Cockburn Yes.

Les Grossman From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring. Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down. Diet Coke!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Marie Antoinette

Addressing France's Struggles and Luxury Concerns

Ambassador Mercy The French can be fickle and Her Majesty would do well to be more attentive. Life is getting harder for the people of France. The bread shortage is grave.

Marie-Antoinette Well, there must be something the King can do to ease their sufferings. Tell the court jeweler to stop sending diamonds. You don't need any diamonds, do you? No.

[to Marie Therese; Marie Therese shakes her head back-and-forth]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Confidence in Unconventional Situations

Jason Cresswell All I need to know is can you handle it?

Alan Partridge Well, er... Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing, realized he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway?

Jason Cresswell Why?

Alan Partridge You're looking at him.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Philomena

Forgiveness Amidst Anger and Conflict

Philomena Sister Hildegarde, I want you to know that I forgive you.

Martin Sixsmith What? Just like that?

Philomena Its not just like that'... it's hard. That's hard for me. But I don't want to hate people. I don't want to be like you... Look at you.

Martin Sixsmith I'm angry.

Philomena Must be exhausting.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

Critique of London Records' Name

Tony Wilson What's wrong with London Records?

Rob Gretton The name, for a start.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

24 Hour Party People

The Birth of Rave Culture in Madchester

Tony Wilson And tonight something equally epoch-making is taking place. See? They're applauding the DJ. Not the music, not the musician, not the creator, but the medium. This is it. The birth of rave culture. The beatification of the beat. The dance age. This is the moment when even the white man starts dancing. Welcome to Madchester.

[At a gig at the Haçienda]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Marie Antoinette

Royal Tensions and Personal Convictions

Ambassador Mercy Madame du Barry would like to offer you some diamonds.

Marie-Antoinette I have enough diamonds.

Ambassador Mercy Snubbing the King's favorite is publicly criticizing the King's behavior. All you need to do is say a few words to her; because of rank she is not allowed to speak to you first.

Marie-Antoinette Well, I certainly have nothing to say to her. And why should I approve of his cavorting with a harlot?

Ambassador Mercy Your Royal Highness!

[reproachfully]

Marie-Antoinette Well, that's what she is. Everyone knows that she's from a brothel and that title was bought for her.

Ambassador Mercy Your mother and I are very concerned. Du Barry has been complaining to the King that you will not address her, and you cannot afford to fall out of favor with the King. Especially as your marriage... not exactly on solid ground.

Marie-Antoinette Fine. I'll talk to her.

[annoyed]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

Phileas Fogg's Observations on Others

Phileas Fogg Here comes Mr. Grumpy... and the Leather-ettes.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

The Impact of Leaving Home

Phileas Fogg This is what happens when you leave home. You meet... people!

24 Hour Party People

Unseen Scene from 24 Hour Party People

Tony Wilson This scene didn't actually make it to the final cut. I'm sure it'll be on the DVD.

[About a scene involving Vini Reilly]

Around the World in 80 Days

Resilience in the Face of Challenges

Phileas Fogg Very impressive. I'd have let go by now.

[about Passepartout hitting buildings and statues of Paris while hanging on the rope of the balloon]

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Comparing the Worst Mongers in Society

Alan Partridge Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Criticism and Its Limits

Alan Partridge Never, never criticize ]! Only ]. And ], a little bit.

[[Muslim|Muslims; [Christianity|Christians; [Judaism|Jews]

24 Hour Party People

Different Perspectives on Madness

Roger Ames Tony, you're fucking mad.

Tony Wilson Well, that is a point of view.

Around the World in 80 Days

Strength and Vulnerability in Conversation

Phileas Fogg I feel faint.

Monique La Roche Phileas, women are not that weak.

Phileas Fogg No, but I am.

The Other Guys

Obstructed-View Tickets to Rock of Ages

David Ershon Gentlemen, I can get you obstructed-view tickets for Rock of Ages. Even I admit that's not very temping, but I'm not made of tickets, goddamn it!

Philomena

Existence of God and Personal Belief

Martin Sixsmith I don't believe in God, and I think He knows.

24 Hour Party People

The Nature of Factory Records Explained

Tony Wilson Factory Records are not actually a company. We are an experiment in human nature. You're labouring under the misapprehension that we actually have a deal with, er, with our, our bands. That we have any kind of a contract, er, at all, and I'm afraid we, er, we don't because that's, er, that's the sum total of the paperwork to do with Factory Records, deal with, er, their various bands.

[To Roger Ames, explaining Factory's vision]

Hamlet 2

Cultural Perspectives on Talent and Opportunity

Dana Marschz You can't let your ethnic narrow-mindedness stop your son from thriving in our culture.

Mr. Marquez I have to take exception to that characterization.

Dana Marschz Heywood's a bad boy. He's a gang banger. A deadbeat. But he also has a gift.

Mrs. Marquez Who is Heywood?

Dana Marschz Your son. Heywood Jablome.

Dana Marschz Oh. I just got that.

24 Hour Party People

Recording Silence in Music Production

Tony Wilson Martin, what are you doing?

Martin Hannett Recording... silence.

Tony Wilson You're recording silence?

Martin Hannett Now, I'm recording Tony fucking Wilson!

Around the World in 80 Days

Phileas Fogg's Declaration of Illness

Phileas Fogg I am going to be abominably ill.

[after drinking too much Chinese liquor]

24 Hour Party People

The Freedom of Having Nothing to Sell

Tony Wilson I have protected myself from ever having to sell out by having nothing to sell out.

[To Roger Ames, explaining his'' raison d'etre ''for running Factory as he had been doing]

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

A Memorable Encounter and Personal Reflection

Jason Cresswell Seriously, did you give her one?

Alan Partridge Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry. Hand on the outside of the bra. Er... you know, reconnaissance. And then I just held her in my arms because told me she never knew her mother, and I said, "Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age. But guess what? I never really knew her." Erm... and... To get back on track, erm...

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Theft of Toilet Paper Revealed in Conversation

Alan Partridge Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.

Lynn Benfield How does he...

Alan Partridge He steals it from a pub.

Lynn Benfield Oh.

Alan Partridge That's a relief. Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Consequences of Misunderstood Actions

Alan Partridge No-one's getting sacked. It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.

Pat Farrell He was in bits!

Alan Partridge Yeah. It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice. He didn't even know them.

Pat Farrell Yeah, but where is he now?

Angela Ashbourne He runs his own business.

Alan Partridge There. He's back on his feet.

Angela Ashbourne Rents out bouncy castles.

Alan Partridge For adults, yeah?

[turning, concerned]

24 Hour Party People

24 Hour Party People - Tony Wilson

Tony Wilson Welcome to the Wheel of Fortune. There it is, the wheel that throughout the centuries has been used as a symbol for the vicissitudes of life. Boethius himself in his great work The Consolation of Philosophy compares history to a great wheel, hoisting us up, then dropping us down again. "Inconsistency is my very essence" -says the wheel- "Raise yourself up on my spokes if you wish, but don't complain when you plunge back down" Now spin the wheel.

[Whilst hosting 'Wheel of Fortune']

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Facing Change with Humor and Confidence

Jason Cresswell Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.

Alan Partridge I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant, which is interesting, because there's one in this room.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Alan's Unconventional Workplace Standards

Alan Partridge Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one, but not both.

[about a one-night stand]

Hamlet 2

A Better Life Awaits Beyond Tucson

Dana Marschz Chuy, you're going to have a magical life. Because no matter where you go, it's always going to be better than Tucson.

24 Hour Party People

Perspectives on Intimacy and Experience

Tony Wilson I only got a blowjob. That's full penetration.

[When catching Lindsay having sex with Howard Devoto out of spite]

24 Hour Party People

The Thrill and Risk of Manchester's Haçienda

Tony Wilson It was like being on a fantastic fairground ride, centrifugal forces throwing us wider and wider. But it's all right, because there's this brilliant machine at the center that's going to bring us back down to earth. That was Manchester. That is the Haçienda. Now imagine the machine breaks. For a while, it's even better, because you're really flying; but then, you're fucked, because nobody beats gravity.

[About the music scene surrounding the Haçienda]

Philomena

Judgment and Accountability in Faith

Sister Hildegarde The Lord Jesus Christ will be my judge - not the likes of you.

Martin Sixsmith Really? Because I think if Jesus was here right now he'd tip you out of that fucking wheelchair - and you wouldn't get up and walk.

24 Hour Party People

Jazz: A Haven for the Untalented

Tony Wilson Jazz is the last refuge of the untalented. Jazz musicians enjoy themselves more than anyone listening to them does.

[to his friends, about A Certain Ratio's surprising move to another genre]

24 Hour Party People

Warning About Potential Danger

Tony Wilson You really ought to be careful with that, Shaun. You could take somebody's eye out.

[after Shaun Ryder fires a gun in his general direction]

Around the World in 80 Days

Fearless Confidence Amidst Danger

Phileas Fogg I am a British citizen, I have nothing to fear! Except bullets.

[Gunshot goes off in background]

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

A Tense Encounter in the Underworld

Hades Alright, come on. Come on, give it back.

Persephone Fyge makria tous!

[to the hounds; throws her hand out; the gates slam shut, and the hounds leave]

Grover Bad dog! Bad dog!

Persephone He won't remember a thing!

Percy Why'd you do that?

[draws his sword]

Persephone Because, he's cruel and abusive! The only thing I look forward to is my allotted time away from this hellhole. A war of the gods would put an end to all that, and I'd be alone with only him, forever. Go. Take the bolt. And your mother.

[holds the bolt out to Percy]

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Reflections on Parenting and Happiness

Alan Partridge I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I remember... a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," and... you know... I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. Miserable.

24 Hour Party People

Perception vs. Reality in Relationships

Tony Wilson It's not what it looks like, love!

[When caught receiving an act of oral sex from a prostitute by his wife Lindsay]

24 Hour Party People

Civic Pride and Its Flaws in Manchester

Tony Wilson Most of all, I love Manchester. The crumbling warehouses, the railway arches, the cheap abundant drugs. That's what did it in the end. Not the money, not the music, not even the guns. That is my heroic flaw: my excess of civic pride.

Memorable Quotes from Steve Coogan