A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - Invention of a Fish Bone Apparatus
Leopold:
So, you're an inventor, eh?
Andrew:
Crackpot inventor.
Adrian:
Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell em about that.
Andrew:
It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish, and if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - Trust and Fear in Dangerous Situations
Ariel:
Andrew, we'll get killed!
Andrew:
No, no. Don't be silly. Trust me, it's me, Andrew... Trust me anyhow.
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - Belief in the Spirit World Discussed by Doctors
Maxwell:
I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.
Andrew:
Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up.
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - Marriage Reflections in Uncertainty
Ariel:
How's your marriage?
Andrew:
My marriage is fine.
Ariel:
Yeah?
Andrew:
It's not working, but it's fine.
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - The Importance of Listening in Communication
Ariel: [about Leopold]
He taught me a lot...
Andrew:
Like what?
Ariel: [[Mozart]
Like how to listen to ].
Andrew:
With your ears, right?
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - Art Appreciation and Humorous Reactions
Leopold: [[Michelangelo]
I had the privilege of escorting Ariel through the Sistine Chapel for the first time in her life and explaining to her exactly why ]'s ceiling was indeed great.
Ariel: [[w:Raphael|Raphael]
When ] first laid eyes on it, he fainted.
Andrew:
Had he eaten?
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - A Humorous Exchange on Flying and Medicine
Maxwell:
Andrew, are you all right?
Andrew:
Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose.
Maxwell:
You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.
Andrew:
Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.
Maxwell:
He never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...
Andrew:
Yeah? Who overcharges me?
Maxwell:
But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?
Andrew:
I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - Kitchen Intercourse Complications Amidst Singing
Andrew:
We can't have intercourse in the kitchen! There's a man in the next room singing The Lord's Prayer!
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - The Paradox of Love and Sex
Andrew:
Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - A Doctor's Unusual Record of Success
Andrew: [about Maxwell]
He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient! Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.
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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy - Confronting Truth and Deception
Andrew:
I didn't lie. I wasn't lying, Adrian. I was not lying. Do you want to know why I lied?
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Play It Again, Sam - Skepticism About Identity in Conversation
Dick Christie:
Who were those guys?
Allan Felix:
Oh, they said they were hairdressers, hard to believe though.
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Play It Again, Sam - Exploring Gender Dynamics in Relationships
Allan Felix: [to Linda Christie]
Look. Last night you felt like a woman, and I felt like a man . . . And that's the kind of thing those people do.
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Play It Again, Sam - The Cleansing Power of Rain
Allan Felix:
I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
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Play It Again, Sam - Allan Felix's Ambitious Dating Aspirations
Allan Felix:
I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.
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Play It Again, Sam - Parenting and Unfulfilled Wishes
Allan Felix:
No, my parents never got divorced, although I begged them to.
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Play It Again, Sam - Unexpected Reactions to Leaving Home
Allan Felix: [to Linda Christie]
I had to go to Washington once when I was married, and though I was the one leaving, I got sick, and when I returned, my wife threw up.
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Play It Again, Sam - Addressing Emotional Reactions in Conflict
Allan Felix: [in a dream sequence to Dream Sharon]
Sorry I had to slap you around, but you got hysterical when I said, "No more.
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Play It Again, Sam - A Quirky Decision to Brush Teeth
Allan Felix: [to Dick and Linda Christie]
I'm going home. I think today I'm gonna brush all my teeth!
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Play It Again, Sam - Questioning Marital Intimacy and Authenticity
Allan Felix:
I wonder if she actually had that orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?
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Play It Again, Sam - Self-Reflection on Reality and Fantasy
Allan Felix: [voiceover, after watching ''[[w:Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]
Who am I kidding? I'm not like that. I never was, I never will be. . . . That's strictly the movies.
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Love and Death - Unexpected Betrayal and Miscommunication
Sonja:
Boris! What happened?
Boris Grushenko:
I got screwed.
Sonja:
How?
Boris Grushenko:
I don't know. This vision came and said I was going to get pardoned, and then they shot me.
Sonja:
You were my one great love!
Boris Grushenko:
Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.
Sonja:
What's it like?
Boris Grushenko:
What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant?
Sonja:
Yeah.
Boris Grushenko:
It's worse.
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Love and Death - The Value of Empty Experiences
Sonja:
Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris Grushenko:
Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
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Love and Death - Unhappiness and Quarrels in Relationships
Sonja:
Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.
Boris Grushenko:
Ohh, I wish you weren't.
Sonja:
Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal.
Boris Grushenko:
Poor Sonja.
Sonja:
For the past weeks, I've visited Seretski in his room.
Boris Grushenko:
Why? What's in his room? Oh...
Sonja:
And before Seretski, Aleksei, and before Aleksei, Alegorian, and before Alegorian, Asimov, and...
Boris Grushenko:
Okay!
Sonja:
Wait, I'm still on the A's.
Boris Grushenko:
How many lovers do you have?
Sonja:
In the mid-town area?
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Love and Death - Threats and Banter Among Rivals
Anton lvanovich Lebedokov:
If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again.
Boris Grushenko:
If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck!
Anton lvanovich Lebedokov:
I am a man!
Boris Grushenko:
Well, I mean a much shorter man!
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Love and Death - Justifying Violence in Humanitarian Contexts
Sonja:
Violence is justified in the service of mankind!
Boris Grushenko:
Who said that?
Sonja: [[w:Attila the Hun|Attila the Hun]
].
Boris Grushenko:
You're quoting a Hun to me?
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Love and Death - Contemplating the Void of Existence
Boris Grushenko:
Nothingness. Non-existence. Black emptiness.
Sonja:
What did you say?
Boris Grushenko: [sighs]
Oh , I was just planning my future.
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Love and Death - Questioning Divine Image and Personal Appearance
Boris Grushenko: [sighs]
You think I was made in God's image? Take a look at me. You think he wears glasses?
Sonja:
Not with those frames.
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Love and Death - A Humorous Exchange on Love and Practice
Countess Alexandrovna:
You're the greatest lover I've ever had.
Boris Grushenko:
Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
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Love and Death - Existential Dilemmas and Moral Choices
Sonya:
But, if there is no God, then life has no meaning. Why go on living? Why not just commit suicide?
Boris Gruschenko:
Well, let's not get hysterical. I could be wrong. I'd hate to blow my brains out and then read in the paper that they found something.
Sonja:
Boris, Let me show you how absurd your position is. Let's say there is no God, and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses. What prevents you from murdering somebody?
Boris Grushenko:
Murder's immoral.
Sonja:
Immorality is subjective.
Boris Grushenko:
Yes, but subjectivity is objective.
Sonja:
Not in a rational scheme of perception.
Boris Grushenko:
Perception is irrational. It implies immanence.
Sonja:
But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstracted empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.
Boris Grushenko:
Yeah, I've said that many times.
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Love and Death - The Cost of Perception in Reality
Sonja:
I do believe that this is truly the best of all possible worlds.
Boris Grushenko:
Well, it's certainly the most expensive.
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Love and Death - Reflections on Life, Death, and Love
Boris Grushenko:
Wheat. I'm dead. They're talking about wheat. The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that - only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if - if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that - that the worst you can say about Him is that basically, He's an underachiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've - if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you - you know exactly what I'm talking about. The - The key here, I think, is to - to not think of death as an end, but - but think of it more as a very effective way of - of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, huh, you know, uh, what can you say. I-It - It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me, folks. Goodbye.
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Love and Death - Reflections on God and Morality
Boris Grushenko: [[Moses; A ray of light shines over Boris.; Ray of light turns off.; The ray turns on again.]
Then there is a God. Incredible. ] was right. He that abideth in truth will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months with an option to buy. But the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate. And he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall . . . The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And . . . Wait, I have more about the wicked man. I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is okay in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has got to be watched.
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Love and Death - Existential Confusion and Human Nature
Boris Grushenko: [[Socrates; sighs]
A. ] is a man. B. All men are mortal. C. All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Oh, well, I'm not a homosexual. I - I - Once, some - some Cossacks whistled at me. I - I - I happen to have the kind of body that excites both uh persuasions, but uh you know some men are - are heterosexual, and - and - s-some bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all, you know, they're - They become lawyers. My problem is that I - I see both sides of every issue. I'm - I'm too logical. You know, I - I - I, the world is not logical. If it was logical, h-how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? I-I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid, but - but every time I said something, they'd smack me, so you know, heh heh. I-I'm - I'm just wracked with guilt, and I'm - I'm consumed with remorse and stricken with suffering for the human race. Not only that, but - but I'm developing a uh herpe o-on m-my lip here that is really killing me. What to do?
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Love and Death - Questioning Unconventional Education Choices
Boris Grushenko: [to Sonja]
Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?
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Love and Death - Love and Death - Boris Grushenko
Boris Grushenko: [writing aloud]
I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas." Too sentimental.
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Love and Death - The Paradox of Generational Names
Boris Grushenko:
Of course there was Old Greggor and his son Young Greggor. Oddly enough, Young Greggor's son was older than Old Greggor. Nobody could figure out how that happened.
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Love and Death - Contemplating a Carpenter's Cost for Bookshelves
Boris Grushenko: [voiceover; [Christ]
I was walking through the woods, thinking about ]. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.
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The Front - A Tense Exchange About Accountability and Consequences
Committee Counselor:
Mr. Prince, I ask you for the record, did you know Herschel Brownstein -
Howard's Attorney: [whispers]
Howard, you'll go to jail.
Committee Counselor:
- also known as Hecky Brown?
Howard's Attorney: [whispers]
Be practical.
Committee Counselor:
Did you know this man as either Brown or Brownstein?
Committee Chairman:
Either name will do, Mr. Prince.
Howard's Attorney: [whispers]
Tell them.
Committee Counselor:
Brown or Brownstein?
Committee Chairman:
Just the name.
Committee Counselor:
Are you refusing to answer?
Howard's Attorney: [whispers]
Will you talk?
Howard Prince:
Fellas, I don't recognize the right of this committee to ask me these kinda questions. And furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves.
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The Front - Negotiating Terms in a Deal
Howard's Attorney: [whispering]
They're willing to make a deal.
Howard Prince:
Give names, right?
Howard's Attorney:
Look, they're being very reasonable. You don't have to give them more than one.
Howard Prince:
Which one?
Howard's Attorney:
Well, it's up to you. Look, they put you over a barrel, you can go to jail. What's one name? If it bothers you, give em Hecky Brown.
Howard Prince:
Hecky?
Howard's Attorney:
He's dead anyway. What difference does it make? A token's all. They want something to show your cooperation, that's all.
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The Front - Concerns About Communism in Entertainment Industry
Howard Prince:
Hey, are you guys aware of the fact that every week, busloads of Communists are coming in over the border? I mean, is anybody doing anything about that or -
Committee Chairman:
We are not concerned at this time with anything other than the Communist conspiracy in the entertainment world.
Howard Prince:
B-But how come? W-Why aren't we doing something about it? I mean, why isn't everybody armed? You know, we should learn how to use a gun, I think. I think it's a big mistake that anyone goes to military school is only you send them there when they're bad.
Committee Chairman:
Mr. Prince, this committee is just as concerned about the threat of Communism as you are.
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The Front - Inquiry About Alfred Miller
Committee Counselor:
Just a few questions, Mr. Prince. We know you're a busy man. Mr. Prince, do you happen to know an Alfred Miller?
Howard Prince:
Who?
Committee Counselor:
Alfred Miller.
Howard Prince:
Why?
Committee Counselor:
If you just tell the committee.
Howard Prince:
So, I - I can't know why?
Committee Chairman:
Mr. Prince, you don't have to worry. Anyone who comes here and tells the truth has got nothing to worry about.
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The Front - Childhood Innocence and Political Awareness
Sam:
This friend of yours, Alfred Miller...
Howard Prince:
We went to school together.
Sam:
And you had no idea that he was a Communist?
Howard Prince:
He was only 12.
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The Front - Writer or Lunatic: A Quest for Trouble
Florence Barrett:
A writer looks for trouble.
Howard Prince:
No, wrong. A lunatic looks for trouble.
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The Front - Class Distinctions in Conversation
Howard Prince:
Where are you from?
Florence Barrett:
Connecticut.
Howard Prince:
That's very ritzy.
Florence Barrett:
It's very proper anyway. I was very well bred - the kind of family where the biggest sin was to raise your voice.
Howard Prince:
Oh yeah? In my family the biggest sin was to pay retail.
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Zelig - A Young Boy's Quest for Understanding
Leonard Zelig: [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher, under hypnotism; [meaning of life]
I'm 12 years old. I run into the synagogue. I ask the rabbi the ]. He tells me the meaning of life, but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.
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Zelig - Apologies for Unconventional Life Decisions
Leonard Zelig:
I would like to apologize to everyone. I . . . I'm awfully sorry for, for marrying all those women. It just, I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to do. My deepest apology goes to the Trochman family in Detroit. I . . . I never delivered a baby before in my life, and I . . . I just thought that ice tongs was the way to do it. And to the, to the gentleman who's appendix I took out, I... I'm, I don't know what to say, if it's any consolation I... I may still have it somewhere around the house.
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Zelig - Exploring the Limits of Human Experience
Leonard Zelig:
But I've never flown before in my life, and it shows exactly what you can do, if you're a total psychotic!
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Zelig - Cycle of Violence in Family Dynamics
Leonard Zelig: [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher]
My brother beat me. My sister beat my brother. My father beat my sister, my brother, and me. My mother beat my father, my sister, my brother, and me. The neighbors beat our family. The family down the street beat the neighbors and our family.
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Zelig - Zelig's Reflection on Freud's Theories
Leonard Zelig: [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher; [w:Sigmund Freud|Freud; [w:Vienna|Vienna; [w:Penis envy|penis envy]
I worked with ] in ]. We broke over the concept of ]. Freud felt that it should be limited to women.
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Zelig - Zelig's Unique Case of Siamese Twins
Leonard Zelig: [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher]
I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.
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Zelig - The Beauty of Baseball Watching
Leonard Zelig:
I love baseball. You know, it doesn't have to mean anything. It's just very beautiful to watch.
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Zelig - The Significance of Pancakes in Zelig
Leonard Zelig: [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher]
Oh . . . the pancakes!
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Deconstructing Harry - Life's Ups and Downs: The House Always Wins
The Devil:
You're not a fun guy. You're too angry at life.
Harry Block:
Well, I've got a lot to be angry about!
The Devil:
Who doesn't? But sooner or later you gotta back off. It's like Vegas. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
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Deconstructing Harry - The Devil's Experience in Hollywood
The Devil:
You know, I've had a lot of jobs in your world.
Harry Block:
Really? Like what?
The Devil:
For two years I ran a Hollywood studio. But you can't trust those people.
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Deconstructing Harry - The Devil's Perspective on Gratitude
The Devil:
You ever fuck a blind girl?
Harry Block:
No, that I never did.
The Devil:
Ooh, they're so grateful.
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Deconstructing Harry - The Devil's Air Conditioning Joke
The Devil:
Want me to turn up the air conditioning?
Harry Block:
What? You're air-conditioned here?
The Devil:
Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer!
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Deconstructing Harry - Conflict in a Heated Encounter
Harry's Father:
Harry!
Harry Block:
Dad?
Harry's Father:
Get me out of here! This is terrible! You know I could never stand hot weather.
Harry Block: [to demon leading his father in chains]
What is he doing here?
Demon:
He's condemned to eternal suffering.
Harry's father:
Help me!
Harry Block:
I don't understand. I demand to know the charges.
Demon:
He behaved unconscionably toward his son. He accused the boy of committing a capital crime merely by being born.
Harry's Father:
Your wife," they told me, "is dead, but your son is thriving." Why did he fight not to be born?
Harry Block:
Look, I forgive him. What's over is over. Let him go to Heaven, please!
Harry's Father:
I'm a Jew. We don't believe in Heaven.
Harry Block:
Where do you want to go?
Harry's Father:
To a Chinese restaurant.
Harry Block:
Take him to Joy Luck.
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Deconstructing Harry - Understanding Black Holes in Everyday Life
Harry Block:
Cookie, do you know what a black hole is?
Cookie:
Sure, it's how I make my livin'!
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Deconstructing Harry - Truth and Belief in Relationships
Joan:
Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?
Harry Block:
No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.
Joan:
You're an atheist, Harry!
Harry Block:
Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too?
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Deconstructing Harry - Historical Awareness and Its Consequences
Burt:
Do you care even about the Holocaust, or do you think it never happened?
Harry Block:
Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.
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Deconstructing Harry - Self-Identity and Cultural Reflection in Dialogue
Doris:
You're a self-hating Jew!
Harry Block:
Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.
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Deconstructing Harry - Cynicism and Sarcasm in Politics
Doris:
You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry Block:
Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!
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Deconstructing Harry - Ironic Honor for a Controversial Student
Harry Block:
The ironic thing is that the school that kicked me out is honoring me soon.
Shrink:
Why did they kick you out?
Harry Block:
Because I wasn't interested in college. I wanted to be a writer and that's all I cared about. Also, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema. They didn't take kindly to that.
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Deconstructing Harry - Conflict Between Lucy and Harry
Lucy:
You schmuck, you bastard! I'd like to cut your fuckin head off!
Harry Block:
You're upset, right?
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Deconstructing Harry - Perspectives on Jobs: Waitressing vs. Sex Work
Harry Block:
Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.
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Deconstructing Harry - Delusions of Popularity in Deconstructing Harry
Harry Block:
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
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Deconstructing Harry - The Beauty of Benign Words
Harry Block:
The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign".
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Deconstructing Harry - Reflections on Presidential Attitudes Toward Women
Harry Block:
Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Ah, bad example.
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Deconstructing Harry - Work and Sex: Harry Block's Perspective
Harry Block:
The two most important things are the work you choose and sex.
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Deconstructing Harry - The Distortion of Personal Truths
Harry Block:
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
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Deconstructing Harry - Preference for Comfort Over Authority
Harry Block:
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'll take air conditioning.
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Small Time Crooks - Memories and Morality in Crime
Frenchy:
Hey, It was you who taught me how to open a safe.
Ray:
That was one of my fondest memories of our time together... What are you saying? You boosted this from David's safe? Frenchy, that's stealing.
Frenchy:
Not exactly. Look, it's a long story, Ray. Let's sell it, and I'll fill you in on the flight to Miami.
Ray:
Sweetheart, you are the greatest.
Frenchy:
Yeah.
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Small Time Crooks - Trust Issues and Insecurities Unveiled
Ray:
I get a bad vibe about this guy, David. It's my street instinct, but I just don't trust him.
May:
Yeah, I know why. Because he's younger than you are, handsomer than you are, he's much taller than you are, he's smarter than you are, he's much more exciting than you are...
Ray:
May, don't feel obligated to pull any punches with me. I can take it.
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Small Time Crooks - Art Comparison Reveals Unique Perspectives
David:
So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?
Ray:
Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.
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Small Time Crooks - Discussing Plans for a Flower Shop
Ray:
What the hell are you gonna do with a flower shop?
Benny:
Burn it down.
Ray:
What do you mean, "burn it down"? You're still burning stuff down for insurance?
Benny:
I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.
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Small Time Crooks - A Humorous Take on Marital Intelligence
Ray:
What would you say if I told you that you were married to a very brilliant man?
Frenchy:
I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.
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Small Time Crooks - Unexpected Consequences of a Rat Bite
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Small Time Crooks - Dreams and Reality in Small Time Crooks
Ray:
For God's sake! For some reason you're always shooting down my dreams.
Frenchy:
Because you get the kind of dreams people get after putting opium in their brownies.
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Small Time Crooks - A Lighthearted Exchange on a Rooftop
Ray:
I gotta get some air. I'm going up on the roof.
Frenchy:
Don't jump! You're too valuable as a dishwasher.
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Small Time Crooks - Self-Doubt and Acknowledgment of Limitations
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Stardust Memories - Intellectuals and Perceptions in Stardust Memories
UFO Follower:
What have you got against intellectuals?
Sandy Bates:
Intellectuals? Nothing, why?
UFO Follower:
Mr. Bates, I've seen all your films. You really feel threatened by them.
Sandy Bates:
Threatened? You're kidding me. I've always said they're like the mafia. They only kill their own.
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Stardust Memories - Sandy Bates Defends His Artistic Identity
Question Askers-Screening:
Some people have claimed that your films are narcissistic.
Sandy Bates:
Yes, many people have said that about me over the years, but I don't think it's true. If I were to say which Greek God I take after, I would definitely not say Narcissus.
Question Askers-Screening:
Who would you say?
Sandy Bates:
Zeus.
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Stardust Memories - The Value of Humor in Service
Sandy Bates:
Shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts, like-like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?
Martian: [[Superman]
Let me tell you, you're not the missionary type. You'd never last. And-and incidentally, you're also not ]; you're a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.
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Stardust Memories - Fandom and Autographs in Stardust Memories
Fan:
My mother buys meat in the same butcher shop your mother does.
Sandy Bates:
Oh, great.
Fan:
Can I have your autograph?
Sandy Bates:
Oh, jeez.
Fan:
Could you just write: "To Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch.
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Stardust Memories - Discussing a Controversial Film Idea
Fan:
Can I talk to you about an idea for a film I have?
Sandy Bates:
This is not the place.
Fan:
Do you have a moment, please? It's a comedy based on that whole Guyana mass suicide.
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Stardust Memories - Nostalgia Triggered by Scent in Conversation
Dorrie: [[Marcel Proust|Proustian]
That aftershave. It just made my whole childhood come back with a sudden ] rush.
Sandy Bates:
Yeah? That's cause I'm wearing Proustian Rush by Chanel. It's-it's reduced. I got a vat of it.
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Stardust Memories - Faith and Opposition in Belief Systems
Sandy Bates:
To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
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Stardust Memories - Misunderstanding Classic Music and Its Origins
Sandy Bates: [[w:Goldberg Variations|Goldberg Variations]
I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the ] were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night.
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Stardust Memories - The Limits of Control in Life and Art
Sandy Bates:
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
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Stardust Memories - Philosophy Exam Reflection and Unexpected Success
Sandy Bates:
I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of em. You know? I left em all blank... I got a hundred.
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Sleeper - Skepticism About Science and Relationships
Luna Schlosser:
But Miles, don't you see? Meaningful relationships between men and women don't last. That was proven by science. You see, there's a chemical in our bodies that makes it so that we all get on each other's nerves sooner or later.
Miles Monroe:
Hey, that's science. I don't believe in science. I'm, I'm, you know, science is a, an intellectual dead-end. You know, it's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
Luna Schlosser:
Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?
Miles Monroe:
Right.
Luna Schlosser:
So then, what do you believe in?
Miles Monroe: [[death]
Sex and ] - two things that come once in a lifetime... but at least after death, you're not nauseous.
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Sleeper - Discussion of a muscular rebel chieftain
Miles Monroe:
You'd probably feel a lot safer with Mr. White Teeth back there.
Luna Schlosser:
Who?
Miles Monroe:
The Rebel Chieftain with the wall-to-wall muscles on his chest.
Luna Schlosser:
You mean, Erno?
Miles Monroe:
Yeah, Erno. It's a great name, if you happen to be the star of a vampire movie.
Luna Schlosser:
He's brilliant.
Miles Monroe:
Yeah. He couldn't be with us today. He's got to go take his handsome lesson.
Luna Schlosser:
Are you jealous?
Miles Monroe:
Jealous? Are kidding, honey? With a body like mine, you don't get jealous.
Luna Schlosser:
Certainly you don't expect me to tie myself down to one man. My love is a free gift to all the Bolshevik Brothers.
Miles Monroe:
Do what you want. You're over 21. Little Tramp!
Luna Schlosser:
We're here on business.
Miles Monroe: [[robot]
Free love. I created a Bohemian monster. Next thing you know, she'll wanna have group sex with the ]s.
Luna Schlosser:
Will you shut up? You're attracting attention.
Miles Monroe: [[book]
Give her a couple of ]s to read, and right away, she's Miss Pseudo-Intellectual, Neo-Fascist, Hegelian, Freudian Monster.
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Sleeper - Modern Perspectives on Relationships and Heritage
Luna Schlosser:
Sex is different today. You see, we don't have any problems. Everybody's frigid.
Miles Monroe:
Oh, that's incredible. So are the men impotent?
Luna Schlosser:
Yeah, most of them, except for the ones whose ancestors are Italian.
Miles Monroe:
Alright, I knew there was something in that pasta.
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Sleeper - Unconventional Approaches to Intimacy and Connection
Luna Schlosser:
Do you want to perform sex with me?
Miles Monroe:
Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you, if you like.
Luna Schlosser: [[machine]
Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a ] here.
Miles Monroe:
Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.
Luna Schlosser:
It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years.
Miles Monroe:
204, if you count my marriage.
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Sleeper - Humor in Academic and Personal Skills
Luna Schlosser:
Men go crazy over for me. I'm great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.
Miles Monroe:
Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that?
Luna Schlosser:
What?
Miles Monroe: [[Chaucer]
Well, I don't know. I was an English major, myself. You know, ], Pope, I minored in foreplay. It's a two credit course at NYU.
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Sleeper - Desire for Comfort Amidst Discomfort
Luna Schlosser:
Please! I wanna go home! I'm getting a headache! I'm hungry! I haven't had a stress pill! I haven't had a bath in seven hours! I'm telling you, I'm not accustomed to this. I need my orb! I want to relax. Look at me! Look at me. I'm shaking!
Miles Monroe:
Gee, you know you'd be great to take on a camping trip.
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Sleeper - Reluctance Amidst Danger and Torture
Dr. Melik: [[torture]
And if you're captured, you don't know anything. Why, they could ] you for months. What could you tell them?
Miles Monroe:
Only my name, rank, serial number - and your name.
Dr. Orva:
Miles, you've got to help us!
Miles Monroe: [[hero]
I’m not the ]ic type, really. I was beaten up by Quakers....I never get involved in anything where I could be tortured.
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Sleeper - Theories on Punishment in Dystopian Society
Historian: [[crime]
Frankly, we didn't know exactly what this was, but we've developed a theory. We feel that when citizens in your society were guilty of a ] against the state, they were forced to watch this.
Miles Monroe:
Yes. That's exactly what that was.
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Sleeper - A Time Traveler's Disbelief
Miles Monroe: [[miracle; [science]
I can't believe this! My doctor said I'd be up and on my feet in five days. He was off by 199 years!... To me, a ] of science, is going to the hospital for a minor operation, I come out the next day, my rent isn't 2,000 months overdue. That's a miracle of ]. This is what I call a cosmic screwing! And then where am I anyhow? What happened to everybody? Where are all my friends?
Dr. Orva:
You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years.
Miles Monroe:
But they all ate organic rice.
Dr. Orva:
You are now in the year 2173.
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