Woody Allen Quotes

Zelig

Apologies for Unconventional Life Decisions

Leonard Zelig I would like to apologize to everyone. I . . . I'm awfully sorry for, for marrying all those women. It just, I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to do. My deepest apology goes to the Trochman family in Detroit. I . . . I never delivered a baby before in my life, and I . . . I just thought that ice tongs was the way to do it. And to the, to the gentleman who's appendix I took out, I... I'm, I don't know what to say, if it's any consolation I... I may still have it somewhere around the house.

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Play It Again, Sam

Questioning Marital Intimacy and Authenticity

Allan Felix I wonder if she actually had that orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?

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Deconstructing Harry

The Distortion of Personal Truths

Harry Block All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

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The Front

Negotiating Terms in a Deal

Howard's Attorney They're willing to make a deal.

[whispering]

Howard Prince Give names, right?

Howard's Attorney Look, they're being very reasonable. You don't have to give them more than one.

Howard Prince Which one?

Howard's Attorney Well, it's up to you. Look, they put you over a barrel, you can go to jail. What's one name? If it bothers you, give em Hecky Brown.

Howard Prince Hecky?

Howard's Attorney He's dead anyway. What difference does it make? A token's all. They want something to show your cooperation, that's all.

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Deconstructing Harry

Reflections on Presidential Attitudes Toward Women

Harry Block Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Ah, bad example.

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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

Kitchen Intercourse Complications Amidst Singing

Andrew We can't have intercourse in the kitchen! There's a man in the next room singing The Lord's Prayer!

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Small Time Crooks

Trust Issues and Insecurities Unveiled

Ray I get a bad vibe about this guy, David. It's my street instinct, but I just don't trust him.

May Yeah, I know why. Because he's younger than you are, handsomer than you are, he's much taller than you are, he's smarter than you are, he's much more exciting than you are...

Ray May, don't feel obligated to pull any punches with me. I can take it.

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Love and Death

Reflections on Life, Death, and Love

Boris Grushenko Wheat. I'm dead. They're talking about wheat. The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that - only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if - if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that - that the worst you can say about Him is that basically, He's an underachiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've - if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you - you know exactly what I'm talking about. The - The key here, I think, is to - to not think of death as an end, but - but think of it more as a very effective way of - of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, huh, you know, uh, what can you say. I-It - It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me, folks. Goodbye.

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Stardust Memories

The Value of Humor in Service

Sandy Bates Shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts, like-like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?

Martian Let me tell you, you're not the missionary type. You'd never last. And-and incidentally, you're also not ]; you're a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.

[[Superman]

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Mighty Aphrodite

Discussion on Virginity and Relationships

Lenny I told you from day one, the girl was not a virgin!

Kevin You didn't tell me how many times though!

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Sleeper

Theories on Punishment in Dystopian Society

Historian Frankly, we didn't know exactly what this was, but we've developed a theory. We feel that when citizens in your society were guilty of a ] against the state, they were forced to watch this.

[[crime]

Miles Monroe Yes. That's exactly what that was.

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Sleeper

Humorous Take on Body Organs

Miles Monroe My ]? It's my second favorite organ!

[[brain]

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Zelig

Cycle of Violence in Family Dynamics

Leonard Zelig My brother beat me. My sister beat my brother. My father beat my sister, my brother, and me. My mother beat my father, my sister, my brother, and me. The neighbors beat our family. The family down the street beat the neighbors and our family.

[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher]

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Zelig

A Young Boy's Quest for Understanding

Leonard Zelig I'm 12 years old. I run into the synagogue. I ask the rabbi the ]. He tells me the meaning of life, but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher, under hypnotism; [meaning of life]

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Small Time Crooks

Art Comparison Reveals Unique Perspectives

David So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?

Ray Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.

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Play It Again, Sam

Self-Reflection on Reality and Fantasy

Allan Felix Who am I kidding? I'm not like that. I never was, I never will be. . . . That's strictly the movies.

[voiceover, after watching ''[[w:Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]

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Love and Death

Contemplating a Carpenter's Cost for Bookshelves

Boris Grushenko I was walking through the woods, thinking about ]. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.

[voiceover; [Christ]

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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

A Humorous Exchange on Flying and Medicine

Maxwell Andrew, are you all right?

Andrew Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose.

Maxwell You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

Andrew Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.

Maxwell He never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...

Andrew Yeah? Who overcharges me?

Maxwell But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?

Andrew I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.

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Stardust Memories

Nostalgia Triggered by Scent in Conversation

Dorrie That aftershave. It just made my whole childhood come back with a sudden ] rush.

[[Marcel Proust|Proustian]

Sandy Bates Yeah? That's cause I'm wearing Proustian Rush by Chanel. It's-it's reduced. I got a vat of it.

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Stardust Memories

Intellectuals and Perceptions in Stardust Memories

UFO Follower What have you got against intellectuals?

Sandy Bates Intellectuals? Nothing, why?

UFO Follower Mr. Bates, I've seen all your films. You really feel threatened by them.

Sandy Bates Threatened? You're kidding me. I've always said they're like the mafia. They only kill their own.

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Small Time Crooks

Dreams and Reality in Small Time Crooks

Ray For God's sake! For some reason you're always shooting down my dreams.

Frenchy Because you get the kind of dreams people get after putting opium in their brownies.

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Sleeper

Discussion of a muscular rebel chieftain

Miles Monroe You'd probably feel a lot safer with Mr. White Teeth back there.

Luna Schlosser Who?

Miles Monroe The Rebel Chieftain with the wall-to-wall muscles on his chest.

Luna Schlosser You mean, Erno?

Miles Monroe Yeah, Erno. It's a great name, if you happen to be the star of a vampire movie.

Luna Schlosser He's brilliant.

Miles Monroe Yeah. He couldn't be with us today. He's got to go take his handsome lesson.

Luna Schlosser Are you jealous?

Miles Monroe Jealous? Are kidding, honey? With a body like mine, you don't get jealous.

Luna Schlosser Certainly you don't expect me to tie myself down to one man. My love is a free gift to all the Bolshevik Brothers.

Miles Monroe Do what you want. You're over 21. Little Tramp!

Luna Schlosser We're here on business.

Miles Monroe Free love. I created a Bohemian monster. Next thing you know, she'll wanna have group sex with the ]s.

[[robot]

Luna Schlosser Will you shut up? You're attracting attention.

Miles Monroe Give her a couple of ]s to read, and right away, she's Miss Pseudo-Intellectual, Neo-Fascist, Hegelian, Freudian Monster.

[[book]

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Bananas

Questioning Leadership in Relationships

Fielding Mellish Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for, ]?

[[Hitler]

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Stardust Memories

Philosophy Exam Reflection and Unexpected Success

Sandy Bates I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of em. You know? I left em all blank... I got a hundred.

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Sleeper

Humor in Academic and Personal Skills

Luna Schlosser Men go crazy over for me. I'm great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.

Miles Monroe Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that?

Luna Schlosser What?

Miles Monroe Well, I don't know. I was an English major, myself. You know, ], Pope, I minored in foreplay. It's a two credit course at NYU.

[[Chaucer]

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Bananas

The Trade-Offs of Freedom and Life

Esposito You have a chance to die for freedom.

Fielding Mellish Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.

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The Front

Concerns About Communism in Entertainment Industry

Howard Prince Hey, are you guys aware of the fact that every week, busloads of Communists are coming in over the border? I mean, is anybody doing anything about that or -

Committee Chairman We are not concerned at this time with anything other than the Communist conspiracy in the entertainment world.

Howard Prince B-But how come? W-Why aren't we doing something about it? I mean, why isn't everybody armed? You know, we should learn how to use a gun, I think. I think it's a big mistake that anyone goes to military school is only you send them there when they're bad.

Committee Chairman Mr. Prince, this committee is just as concerned about the threat of Communism as you are.

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Love and Death

Contemplating the Void of Existence

Boris Grushenko Nothingness. Non-existence. Black emptiness.

Sonja What did you say?

Boris Grushenko Oh , I was just planning my future.

[sighs]

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Sleeper

Desire for Comfort Amidst Discomfort

Luna Schlosser Please! I wanna go home! I'm getting a headache! I'm hungry! I haven't had a stress pill! I haven't had a bath in seven hours! I'm telling you, I'm not accustomed to this. I need my orb! I want to relax. Look at me! Look at me. I'm shaking!

Miles Monroe Gee, you know you'd be great to take on a camping trip.

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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

Trust and Fear in Dangerous Situations

Ariel Andrew, we'll get killed!

Andrew No, no. Don't be silly. Trust me, it's me, Andrew... Trust me anyhow.

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Annie Hall

Exploring Alvy's Depression and Its Causes

Mrs. Singer He's been depressed. All of a sudden, he can't do anything.

Dr. Flicker Why are you depressed, Alvy?

Mrs. Singer Tell Dr. Flicker. It's something he read.

Dr. Flicker Something you read, huh?

Alvy Singer The universe is expanding.

Dr. Flicker The universe is expanding?

Alvy Singer Well, the universe is everything, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart, and that will be the end of everything.

Mrs. Singer What is that your business? He's stopped doing his homework.

Alvy Singer What's the point?

Mrs. Singer What has the universe got to do with it. You're here, in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is not expanding.

Dr. Flicker It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here. Huh? Huh? Huh?

[laughs]

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Play It Again, Sam

Allan Felix's Ambitious Dating Aspirations

Allan Felix I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

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Play It Again, Sam

Addressing Emotional Reactions in Conflict

Allan Felix Sorry I had to slap you around, but you got hysterical when I said, "No more.

[in a dream sequence to Dream Sharon]

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Deconstructing Harry

Life's Ups and Downs: The House Always Wins

The Devil You're not a fun guy. You're too angry at life.

Harry Block Well, I've got a lot to be angry about!

The Devil Who doesn't? But sooner or later you gotta back off. It's like Vegas. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.

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Deconstructing Harry

Truth and Belief in Relationships

Joan Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?

Harry Block No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.

Joan You're an atheist, Harry!

Harry Block Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too?

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Play It Again, Sam

A Quirky Decision to Brush Teeth

Allan Felix I'm going home. I think today I'm gonna brush all my teeth!

[to Dick and Linda Christie]

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Sleeper

Unexpected Consequences of a Simple Hospital Visit

Miles Monroe I can't believe this. I go into the hospital for a lousy ulcer operation. I lay around in a Birds-Eye wrapper for 200 years, I wake up, suddenly I'm on the Ten-Most-Wanted List....I knew it was too good to be true. I parked right near the hospital.

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Love and Death

Questioning Divine Image and Personal Appearance

Boris Grushenko You think I was made in God's image? Take a look at me. You think he wears glasses?

[sighs]

Sonja Not with those frames.

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Annie Hall

The Absurdity and Necessity of Relationships

Alvy Singer After that it got pretty late, and, we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her, and I thought of that old joke. You know, this guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships– you know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

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Deconstructing Harry

Conflict Between Lucy and Harry

Lucy You schmuck, you bastard! I'd like to cut your fuckin head off!

Harry Block You're upset, right?

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Deconstructing Harry

Conflict in a Heated Encounter

Harry's Father Harry!

Harry Block Dad?

Harry's Father Get me out of here! This is terrible! You know I could never stand hot weather.

Harry Block What is he doing here?

[to demon leading his father in chains]

Demon He's condemned to eternal suffering.

Harry's father Help me!

Harry Block I don't understand. I demand to know the charges.

Demon He behaved unconscionably toward his son. He accused the boy of committing a capital crime merely by being born.

Harry's Father Your wife," they told me, "is dead, but your son is thriving." Why did he fight not to be born?

Harry Block Look, I forgive him. What's over is over. Let him go to Heaven, please!

Harry's Father I'm a Jew. We don't believe in Heaven.

Harry Block Where do you want to go?

Harry's Father To a Chinese restaurant.

Harry Block Take him to Joy Luck.

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Sleeper

Existential Reflections on the Universe

Miles Monroe Do I believe in ]? I'm what you would call a ], existential ]. I believe that there's an ] to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.

[[God; [teleological; [atheist; [intelligence]

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Small Time Crooks

Self-Doubt and Acknowledgment of Limitations

Ray I'm no genius, believe me, I'm no genius.

Frenchy Yeah, you don't have to sell me.

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Play It Again, Sam

Exploring Gender Dynamics in Relationships

Allan Felix Look. Last night you felt like a woman, and I felt like a man . . . And that's the kind of thing those people do.

[to Linda Christie]

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Annie Hall

Life's Divisions: Horrible and Miserable

Alvy Singer I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

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Love and Death

Love and Death - Boris Grushenko

Boris Grushenko I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas." Too sentimental.

[writing aloud]

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Zelig

Zelig's Unique Case of Siamese Twins

Leonard Zelig I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.

[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher]

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Bananas

Contrasting Perspectives on Fielding Mellish

Witness I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.

Fielding Mellish Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?

Court Clerk I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat.

Fielding Mellish OK, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.

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Stardust Memories

Faith and Opposition in Belief Systems

Sandy Bates To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.

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Sleeper

Unexpected Weapon in a Strange Encounter

Miles Monroe I just beat a man senseless with a large strawberry!

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Small Time Crooks

A Lighthearted Exchange on a Rooftop

Ray I gotta get some air. I'm going up on the roof.

Frenchy Don't jump! You're too valuable as a dishwasher.

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Mighty Aphrodite

Foreseeing Trouble: A Cassandra Moment

Cassandra Now I see big trouble!

Lenny Oh for God's sakes, you're such a Cassandra!

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Zelig

The Beauty of Baseball Watching

Leonard Zelig I love baseball. You know, it doesn't have to mean anything. It's just very beautiful to watch.

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Bananas

Unrequited Love and Miscommunication

Fielding Mellish We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there.

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Deconstructing Harry

The Devil's Experience in Hollywood

The Devil You know, I've had a lot of jobs in your world.

Harry Block Really? Like what?

The Devil For two years I ran a Hollywood studio. But you can't trust those people.

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Small Time Crooks

Discussing Plans for a Flower Shop

Ray What the hell are you gonna do with a flower shop?

Benny Burn it down.

Ray What do you mean, "burn it down"? You're still burning stuff down for insurance?

Benny I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.

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Small Time Crooks

A Humorous Take on Marital Intelligence

Ray What would you say if I told you that you were married to a very brilliant man?

Frenchy I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

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Love and Death

Existential Dilemmas and Moral Choices

Sonya But, if there is no God, then life has no meaning. Why go on living? Why not just commit suicide?

Boris Gruschenko Well, let's not get hysterical. I could be wrong. I'd hate to blow my brains out and then read in the paper that they found something.

Sonja Boris, Let me show you how absurd your position is. Let's say there is no God, and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses. What prevents you from murdering somebody?

Boris Grushenko Murder's immoral.

Sonja Immorality is subjective.

Boris Grushenko Yes, but subjectivity is objective.

Sonja Not in a rational scheme of perception.

Boris Grushenko Perception is irrational. It implies immanence.

Sonja But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstracted empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.

Boris Grushenko Yeah, I've said that many times.

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Stardust Memories

The Limits of Control in Life and Art

Sandy Bates You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

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Deconstructing Harry

The Devil's Perspective on Gratitude

The Devil You ever fuck a blind girl?

Harry Block No, that I never did.

The Devil Ooh, they're so grateful.

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Love and Death

A Humorous Exchange on Love and Practice

Countess Alexandrovna You're the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris Grushenko Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

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Deconstructing Harry

Delusions of Popularity in Deconstructing Harry

Harry Block I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.

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Love and Death

The Cost of Perception in Reality

Sonja I do believe that this is truly the best of all possible worlds.

Boris Grushenko Well, it's certainly the most expensive.

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Love and Death

The Paradox of Generational Names

Boris Grushenko Of course there was Old Greggor and his son Young Greggor. Oddly enough, Young Greggor's son was older than Old Greggor. Nobody could figure out how that happened.

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Deconstructing Harry

Historical Awareness and Its Consequences

Burt Do you care even about the Holocaust, or do you think it never happened?

Harry Block Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.

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Bananas

Economic Aid and Unlikely Offers

Fielding Mellish Although the United States is, uh, a very rich country and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there, uh, there are locusts. Uh, we have more locusts than...uh, locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos...despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before ] discovered your country, he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin.

[[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]

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Annie Hall

Reflections on Childhood and Memory

Alvy Singer My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories, but I swear, I was brought up underneath the ] in the ] section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous, I think. You know, I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little, and uh I I I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. My father ran the bumper car concession. Th-there he is, and there I am. Right. I I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh but, "Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym." And uh, of course, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. I must say, I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass, you know, his fat little face and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss Perfect all the time and uh Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.

[voiceover; [w:Thunderbolt (Coney Island)|roller coaster; [w:Coney Island|Coney Island]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Annie Hall

The Nature of Relationships Compared to Sharks

Alvy Singer A relationship, I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Zelig

Zelig's Reflection on Freud's Theories

Leonard Zelig I worked with ] in ]. We broke over the concept of ]. Freud felt that it should be limited to women.

[to Dr. Eudora Fletcher; [w:Sigmund Freud|Freud; [w:Vienna|Vienna; [w:Penis envy|penis envy]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Front

A Tense Exchange About Accountability and Consequences

Committee Counselor Mr. Prince, I ask you for the record, did you know Herschel Brownstein -

Howard's Attorney Howard, you'll go to jail.

[whispers]

Committee Counselor - also known as Hecky Brown?

Howard's Attorney Be practical.

[whispers]

Committee Counselor Did you know this man as either Brown or Brownstein?

Committee Chairman Either name will do, Mr. Prince.

Howard's Attorney Tell them.

[whispers]

Committee Counselor Brown or Brownstein?

Committee Chairman Just the name.

Committee Counselor Are you refusing to answer?

Howard's Attorney Will you talk?

[whispers]

Howard Prince Fellas, I don't recognize the right of this committee to ask me these kinda questions. And furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mighty Aphrodite

Attraction to Imperfection in Relationships

Linda But seriously, you wanna know why I liked you right from the start?

Lenny Why?

Linda Cause I'm always attracted to losers.

Lenny Losers. You think I'm a loser?

Linda Yeah, you've got no confidence. It's sweet. I like that in a man. I can't stand those johns who come in and throw down a couple of hundred and whip out a big dick and wave it all over the joint.

Lenny I wouldn't do that even if I wanted to.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Deconstructing Harry

Work and Sex: Harry Block's Perspective

Harry Block The two most important things are the work you choose and sex.

Bananas

Absurd Decrees in San Marcos

Esposito From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!

Fielding Mellish What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?

Love and Death

Existential Confusion and Human Nature

Boris Grushenko A. ] is a man. B. All men are mortal. C. All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Oh, well, I'm not a homosexual. I - I - Once, some - some Cossacks whistled at me. I - I - I happen to have the kind of body that excites both uh persuasions, but uh you know some men are - are heterosexual, and - and - s-some bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all, you know, they're - They become lawyers. My problem is that I - I see both sides of every issue. I'm - I'm too logical. You know, I - I - I, the world is not logical. If it was logical, h-how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? I-I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid, but - but every time I said something, they'd smack me, so you know, heh heh. I-I'm - I'm just wracked with guilt, and I'm - I'm consumed with remorse and stricken with suffering for the human race. Not only that, but - but I'm developing a uh herpe o-on m-my lip here that is really killing me. What to do?

[[Socrates; sighs]

Mighty Aphrodite

The Look of Marriage

Linda You're married, aren't you?

Lenny How can you tell that?

Linda Cause you got that look.

Lenny That look?" What... what look is that?

Linda That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.

A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

Art Appreciation and Humorous Reactions

Leopold I had the privilege of escorting Ariel through the Sistine Chapel for the first time in her life and explaining to her exactly why ]'s ceiling was indeed great.

[[Michelangelo]

Ariel When ] first laid eyes on it, he fainted.

[[w:Raphael|Raphael]

Andrew Had he eaten?

Bananas

Questioning Maturity in Relationships

Nancy You're immature, Fielding.

Fielding Mellish How am I immature?

[whining]

Nancy Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.

Fielding Mellish Yeah, but what other ways?

Sleeper

Reluctance Amidst Danger and Torture

Dr. Melik And if you're captured, you don't know anything. Why, they could ] you for months. What could you tell them?

[[torture]

Miles Monroe Only my name, rank, serial number - and your name.

Dr. Orva Miles, you've got to help us!

Miles Monroe I’m not the ]ic type, really. I was beaten up by Quakers....I never get involved in anything where I could be tortured.

[[hero]

Bananas

Unexpected Invitation to a Movie Night

Fielding Mellish You uhhh, you busy tonight?

Norma Some old friends are coming over. We're going to show some pornographic movies.

Fielding Mellish You need an usher?

Stardust Memories

Fandom and Autographs in Stardust Memories

Fan My mother buys meat in the same butcher shop your mother does.

Sandy Bates Oh, great.

Fan Can I have your autograph?

Sandy Bates Oh, jeez.

Fan Could you just write: "To Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch.

The Front

Class Distinctions in Conversation

Howard Prince Where are you from?

Florence Barrett Connecticut.

Howard Prince That's very ritzy.

Florence Barrett It's very proper anyway. I was very well bred - the kind of family where the biggest sin was to raise your voice.

Howard Prince Oh yeah? In my family the biggest sin was to pay retail.

Sleeper

Critique of a Criminal Assistance Group

Miles Monroe Oh, he was probably a member of the ]. It was a group that helped criminals get ] so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

[[w:National Rifle Association|National Rifle Association; [guns]

Stardust Memories

Sandy Bates Defends His Artistic Identity

Question Askers-Screening Some people have claimed that your films are narcissistic.

Sandy Bates Yes, many people have said that about me over the years, but I don't think it's true. If I were to say which Greek God I take after, I would definitely not say Narcissus.

Question Askers-Screening Who would you say?

Sandy Bates Zeus.

Deconstructing Harry

Preference for Comfort Over Authority

Harry Block Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'll take air conditioning.

Play It Again, Sam

The Cleansing Power of Rain

Allan Felix I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Mighty Aphrodite

Understanding Rickey's Role in Linda's Life

Lenny Who's Rickey?

Linda He's, he's... he takes a percentage of my work.

Lenny He's a pimp, right?

Linda No, he's like a business representative.

Lenny Wha...? What do you need a business representative...? All you need is a mattress and a couple of garter belts...you're not a conglomerate!

Bananas

Trial Objections and Jury Composition Concerns

Fielding Mellish I object, Your Honor! This trial is a travesty! It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham! I move for a mistrial! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on that jury?

Judge Yes there is!

Fielding Mellish Really? Which one? Is it the big guy at the end?

Sleeper

A Time Traveler's Disbelief

Miles Monroe I can't believe this! My doctor said I'd be up and on my feet in five days. He was off by 199 years!... To me, a ] of science, is going to the hospital for a minor operation, I come out the next day, my rent isn't 2,000 months overdue. That's a miracle of ]. This is what I call a cosmic screwing! And then where am I anyhow? What happened to everybody? Where are all my friends?

[[miracle; [science]

Dr. Orva You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years.

Miles Monroe But they all ate organic rice.

Dr. Orva You are now in the year 2173.

Love and Death

Unexpected Betrayal and Miscommunication

Sonja Boris! What happened?

Boris Grushenko I got screwed.

Sonja How?

Boris Grushenko I don't know. This vision came and said I was going to get pardoned, and then they shot me.

Sonja You were my one great love!

Boris Grushenko Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

Sonja What's it like?

Boris Grushenko What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant?

Sonja Yeah.

Boris Grushenko It's worse.

Mighty Aphrodite

The Burden of Unwanted Thoughts

Chorus Leader Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!

Lenny I can't forget it. The thought's been put in my head.

Chorus Oh, cursed fate. Certain thoughts are better left unthunk.

Love and Death

The Value of Empty Experiences

Sonja Sex without love is an empty experience.

Boris Grushenko Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

Invention of a Fish Bone Apparatus

Leopold So, you're an inventor, eh?

Andrew Crackpot inventor.

Adrian Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell em about that.

Andrew It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish, and if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.

The Front

Inquiry About Alfred Miller

Committee Counselor Just a few questions, Mr. Prince. We know you're a busy man. Mr. Prince, do you happen to know an Alfred Miller?

Howard Prince Who?

Committee Counselor Alfred Miller.

Howard Prince Why?

Committee Counselor If you just tell the committee.

Howard Prince So, I - I can't know why?

Committee Chairman Mr. Prince, you don't have to worry. Anyone who comes here and tells the truth has got nothing to worry about.

Stardust Memories

Misunderstanding Classic Music and Its Origins

Sandy Bates I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the ] were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night.

[[w:Goldberg Variations|Goldberg Variations]

Bananas

Reflections on Childhood Shyness and Trauma

Fielding Mellish I was, uh, I was always very shy when it came to girls. I - I remember when I was a little boy, I - I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille, and I - I used to rub the dirty parts. And I, um, I guess I had a good relationship with my parents. I - I - I - they very rarely h- I think they hit me once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December, 1942 and stopped beating me in the late spring of 44. Um, I don't know, I was a nervous child. I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, I, uh, used to sleep with an electric blanket, and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

[to his therapist]

Love and Death

Questioning Unconventional Education Choices

Boris Grushenko Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

[to Sonja]

A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

A Doctor's Unusual Record of Success

Andrew He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient! Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.

[about Maxwell]

Zelig

Exploring the Limits of Human Experience

Leonard Zelig But I've never flown before in my life, and it shows exactly what you can do, if you're a total psychotic!

Deconstructing Harry

Ironic Honor for a Controversial Student

Harry Block The ironic thing is that the school that kicked me out is honoring me soon.

Shrink Why did they kick you out?

Harry Block Because I wasn't interested in college. I wanted to be a writer and that's all I cared about. Also, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema. They didn't take kindly to that.

Sleeper

Unconventional Approaches to Intimacy and Connection

Luna Schlosser Do you want to perform sex with me?

Miles Monroe Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you, if you like.

Luna Schlosser Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a ] here.

[[machine]

Miles Monroe Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.

Luna Schlosser It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years.

Miles Monroe 204, if you count my marriage.

Memorable Quotes from Woody Allen

find it. watch it.