Big Daddy (1999) - Quotes

Taglines: Once you adopt a kid, you've got to keep him.

Taglines: Nature called. Look who answered.

Sonny: [to a passing Hooters waitress; the waitress turns to Sonny, showing it's...] Hey, can we get some curly fries? Vanessa?

Vanessa: ...Hi, Sonny.

Sonny: [Vanessa glances over to the kitchen. He looks at sees Sid working there. He waves to them] You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year-plan? Hey. Maybe it's a ten-year-plan.

Julian: Is that the guy with the old balls?

Sonny: [laughs; Vanessa gives an angry look and walks away; to Julian] Yeah, I guess it is. Oh, come on, I bet they're nice. Awww... Next time, don't say "balls". "Testicles", alright?

Julian: Sonny, I beat you so bad at basketball yesterday.

Sonny: Well, then, I guess I better stop letting you win.

Kevin: I stopped letting him win six weeks ago, he still beat me.

Sonny: Well, that's because you suck.

Kevin: Oh, yeah, that's it.

Sonny: Hey, Corinne. Put on a tank-top for old times sake, huh? C'mon!

Julian: What's he talking about, Mommy?

Corinne: [smiles knowingly to Sonny] NOTHING....

Layla: So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?

Sonny: Yeah.

Layla: Is that strange for you?

Sonny: No, I mean, nothing changed, really. They watch a different kind of porno now, but that’s it.

Sonny: Man, this Yoohoo is good. You know what else is good? Smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about?

Jeff: I have a belly button.

Sonny: You have a belly button? Well, we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum.

Jared: What's rum?

Sonny: You don't know what Rum is?

Jared: Rumpelstiltskin?

Sonny: [smiles; to Julian] Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

Sonny: What are you doing scratching so much?

Julian: I have ecza, ecza..

Sonny: Eczema? Gross!

Julian: How do I make it stop itching?

Sonny: [Julian smiles and nods; takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor; takes another can off the shelf and throws it on the floor; gives a can to Julian who throws it on the floor] I don't know. You...scratch it. Hey, SpaghettiOs! You like SpaghettiOs? Yeah? Dented cans are half price, Microsoft went down three points We gotta save some money. Here, give it a shot. That's it, boy! Put it in there. Feels good, huh?

Corrine: [walks down the same aisle as Sonny and Julian; to Sonny, flatly; to Julian, more happy] Hi, Sonny. Hi, Sonny's friend!

Sonny: His name's Frankenstein.

Corrine: Hi, Frankenstein! Remember me?

Julian: [pretending to be in trouble like Sonny taught him to use as a pick-up line] Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am.

Sonny: [laughs; notices Corrine's crop-top] You don't gotta do that anymore. Look at that! You guys wear the same size t-shirt! That's cool.

Corrine: Mmm-hmm. So what's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?

Sonny: [Corrine smacks him] Did she say I was doing laundry with her? Because where I come from it's called doing the "hibbidy, dibbidy" Ow!

Julian: [showing her his rash on his arm] I got eczema.

Corrine: Oh. well then you shouldn't scratch it.

Sonny: Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. Scratch!

Corrine: [placing a bag of frozen peas on Julian's arm] Is that better?

Julian: [smiles and walks away] Thank you.

Corrine: You're welcome.

Sonny: I didn't know you knew anything about kids. I thought you were a foot doctor.

Corrine: It's not doctor stuff, stupid, it's common sense; scratching spreads rashes.

Sonny: Oh so this is something you learned at Hooters.

Corrine: What the hell is he doing?

Sonny: He's shopping.

Julian: Microsoft went down three points.

Corrine: [sarcastically to Sonny; happily to Julian] That's real good. See you later, Frankenstein.

Sonny: Stay away from the frozen food section! Your boobs'll harden!

Sonny: What's this?

Julian: The Kangaroo Song.

Sonny: All right. Great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay?

Julian: But after my nap, I always watch The Kangaroo Song.

Sonny: It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years.

Julian: Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song! KANGAROO SONG!

Sonny: [puts on the Kangaroo Song, but he sees in the VHS is the man in the Kangaroo costume singing children's songs; Julian jumps up and down to the Kangaroo Song; Julian continues jumping to the Kangaroo song; under his breath; after jumping around frantically to the Kangaroo song, Julian suddenly stops; Julian suddenly throws up all the junk food he has been eating all over the floor; covering Julian’s vomit with newspaper] ALL RIIIIIIGHT!!! God! You were normal yesterday! I can't take this shit. Are you serious? Douchebag kangaroo. / What’s the matter, you all hopped out? Oh. I don’t know how to deal with this, hopefully Vanessa will.

Sonny: How're you doing?

Julian: How're you doing?

Sonny: You like hockey?

Julian: You like hockey?

Sonny: This is a big important game.

Julian: This is a big important game.

Sonny: Cut the crap.

Julian: Cut the crap.

Sonny: I'm being serious, don't do that.

Julian: I'm being serious, don't do that.

Sonny: [very fast; Julian stops bouncing, unable to repeat him; Julian continues bouncing] How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Yeah, that's what I thought, shut up. Hey, don't you take naps?

Julian: Sometimes.

Sonny: Well why don't you go take a nap?

Julian: I'm too hungry to sleep.

Sonny: [Julian is later asleep on the table, covered in food. Sonny then sits up on his sofa; whispering] You want some food? Having a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.

Cashier: Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?

Sonny: [to Julian] Okay, what do you want?

Julian: Cheerios.

Sonny: Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else?

Julian: Lasagna.

Sonny: [to cashier] Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? We'll take hotcakes and sausage-

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast.

Sonny: [looks at the clock on the wall] What are you talking about? We're, like, 4 seconds late.

Cashier: No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.

Sonny: [Julian starts crying] Aw, HORSESHIT!!! No, no, no. Don't cry, I'm sorry. I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing at the lady.

Customer: [sarcastically] Nice parenting.

Sonny: [also sarcastic; throws the man's fries; to Julian; Julian cries louder] Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? Take a walk! Do you want a Happy Meal? Can I get you one of those Happy Meals? You got a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal? WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!?!

Homeless Man: Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin?

Sonny: Breakfast is over at 10:30.

Homeless Man: Really?

Sonny: Yeah.

Homeless Man: I thought it was 11:00.

Sonny: [leaves] I thought that too.

Homeless Man: Total mind blower.

Sonny: [carrying a crying Julian; sets him down; Julian continues crying; Julian is still crying; Julian nods; runs in front of a car and hits the hood, the horn blaring. He hits the ground. Julian stops crying, wiping away his tears and begins to giggle] Will you just relax? Here. What do you want me to do? What will cheer you up? You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight. You'll like her. You wanna see me get hurt? Will that cheer you up? All right. You think that's funny? Good. No more crying.

Car Driver: [gets out of vehicle] You okay, man?

Sonny: Next time, kill me.

Sonny: What's this guy's name?

Julian: Scuba Steve.

Sonny: I like his flippers. Does he ever take them off?

Julian: No.

Sonny: How about when he goes bowling? They don't make him wear bowling shoes, let him wear the flippers?

Julian: Yes.

Sonny: Really?

Nazo: I had a doll like that one time. But, my cat, he bite its head off.

Julian: [confused] What kind of cat would do that?

Nazo: [turning confrontational] You calling me a liar?!

Sonny: [to Nazo] Hey! Take it easy. Anyways, Monday Night Football's tonight, the Jets are playing. We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone. You wannna come with us?

Nazo: I have more deliveries on the bicycle.

Sonny: [Nazo finds a piece of his turkey sandwich stuck to his lip and eats it; laughs] Well, maybe you could finish that piece of turkey on your lip. There ya go.

Sonny: Yeah! Let's crank up the Styx!

Mr. Hurley: No music during the game.

Sonny: It’s halftime. Relax, Mr. Hurley.

Mr. Hurley: God damn Jets.

Waitress: [walks by and notices Julian] What are you doing in here, cutie?

Julian: Watching football.

Waitress: Who do you want to win?

Julian: The god damn Jets.

Waitress: [laughs] Have fun.

Sonny: [walking down the steps from his bedroom] Where's Kevin?

Corinne: Oh, he already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you.

Sonny: Why are you here then?

Corinne: I'm cleaning because you're useless.

Sonny: And then what? You're gonna go to your Hooters reunion? You guys sit around and talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?

Corinne: At least I can still fit my ass into my shorts, fatty.

Sonny: [pulls a container of Chinese leftovers out of the fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this?

Corinne: I don't know.

Sonny: I'm eating it, then.

Tommy: [referring to Kevin and Corrine] That relationship's lasted a lot longer than I thought.

Sonny: Yeah, look at his eyes, though. He's bored out of his mind. I give it two more weeks.

Kevin: [stands up in the middle of the party to make an announcement; speaking Chinese and everyone laughs politely] Hey, excuse me! Everybody! I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. Or I guess I should say, I'm getting it. Uh, tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton & Mandel. Yes, me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet.

Tommy: [everyone else laughs but Mikey gives him a look] Prove it! Just kidding.

Kevin: But, uh, I am real glad you're all here tonight because I'm about to do something I never thought I'd have the guts to do...

Sonny: You're not proposing, are ya?!

Kevin: Uh, yeah, pal, I am.

Sonny: Well, think about it...ya know?

Corrine: [annoyed] God, Sonny! Shut up!

Kevin: [sits down with a sigh] Anyways. Will you?

Corrine: [glares at Sonny, to Kevin; kisses him] Yeah.

Tommy: [sarcastically to Sonny] Good call on the two weeks, pal.

Kevin: Hey Sonny, what was that all about?

Sonny: Hey, congratulations, you and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna be real happy.

Kevin: Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.

Sonny: You want to explain to your children that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?

Kevin: Sonny, that was five years ago, she's a doctor now. And my fiancé, so from now on...Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.

Sonny: Congratulations.

Kevin: Thanks, man.

Sonny: I just got shit going on.

Kevin: What's the matter?

Sonny: Vanessa's gonna break-up with me and I don't know what to do to make her want to stay.

Kevin: Vanessa's just getting older, she wants different things, ya know? Career, stable relationship, a family. That's how they get.

Sonny: I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.

Kevin: Like when we were at Syracuse? And Vanessa worshipped you?

Sonny: Yes, that was nice.

Kevin: [Sonny chuckles and nods; Sonny goes to the putting green on their rooftop] Nobody was hassling you to get a job, Tommy and Phil were showering separately. Those were the days. What're you doing?

Sonny: If I make this putt, Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am.

Kevin: Oh, you're gonna putt? Remember, the roof breaks to the right.

Sonny: [makes a putt; a rat comes out of the hole] Yes! That's what I'm talking abou- GOOD GOD!!!

Kevin: That can't be good.

Phil: [discussing a case of his to Sonny, Mike, and Tommy] So, now my client's out $7 million, and all we can sue on is "breach of contract.

Sonny: Maybe you can try suing under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Phil: [to Tommy] ...I gotta get back to the office, Sonny, you're the king! Mikey, pleasure. I'll see you at home.

Tommy: Alright.

Phil: [leaves with Tommy, holding hands] I'll walk you out.

Mike: I gotta admit, I’m still a little weirded out when they kiss.

Sonny: Why? They're gay, that's what gay guys do.

Mike: I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school.

Sonny: They're still like our brothers, our very very gay brothers. What are you doing after this? Going to a clan meeting?

Kevin: [trying console Corrine who has locked herself in the bathroom] Honey, it was a great surprise! I was totally shocked!

Corrine: [from inside] No you weren't! And I worked so hard on it!

Layla: [walks over; to Kevin] Need some help?

Kevin: [to Corrine] Honey, your sister’s here!

Layla: [to Corrine] Hey, sweetie.

Corrine: [from inside] I hate Sonny!

Everyone: SURPRISE!!!

Corrine: Shh. Just ignore him. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny.

Sonny: [walks over to Tommy, Phil and Mikey] Yeah, "it's only me, it's only me". What's going on?

Phil: Corrine's throwing a surprise going away party for Kevin.

Sonny: Why didn't she tell me about it? The roommate has a right to know.

Phil: Because she knew you'd tell him and ruin the surprise.

Sonny: No I wouldn't.

Man at party: Hey, surprise!

Everyone: [unexcited] Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.

Sonny: Surprise.

Kevin: [confused] What's going on?

Corrine: [walks to the front of the party and realizes the surprise didn't work; to Sonny] We wasted the good surprise on you!

Sonny: [chuckling] Alright.

Kevin: [to Sonny] This your handiwork?

Sonny: I guess.

Kevin: See you in three hours.

Sonny: ...Hello?

Lenny: Sonny? It's your dad. Were you asleep?

Sonny: Oh, hey, man, I was - I was exercising.

Lenny: Bullshit. You were sleeping.

Sonny: No, I wasn't, I wasn't.

Lenny: [to someone near him; to Sonny] This kid won't stop lying to me. You still act like you're 6!

Sonny: Oh yeah, okay, dad. I act like I'm 6.

Lenny: Any luck finding a job where you can work more than one day a week?

Sonny: Uh...I've been looking.

Lenny: Looking doesn't pay the rent, kid.

Sonny: Hey, all the money I won from the cab accident is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax.

Lenny: Well, don't blow it all on worthless crap.

Sonny: I won't!

Lenny: You know what you should spend it on? Your bar exam.

Sonny: You're the lawyer in the family; I ain't taking a damn bar exam. I got too much other shit going on in my life.

Lenny: I don't know what the hell happened to you.

Sonny: Okay.

Lenny: Anyway, how are things going with your girlfriend? What's her name? Vanessa?

Sonny: Things are going fine.

Vanessa: [wakes up suddenly; looks at the clock] Shit. SHIT!

Sonny: [hangs up the phone] I gotta - I gotta go.

Vanessa: Damn it, you turned off the alarm clock again!

Sonny: No, no, no. I mean, yes, I did, but I thought you needed more sleep, Vanessa.

Vanessa: [rushing to the bathroom to get dressed] I knew I shouldn't have stayed here. That was a real jerk thing to do, thanks a lot!

Sonny: What are you doing? Why are you going to work, anyway? It's Sunday.

Vanessa: I'm not going to work, I'm going to brunch...with some potential clients. That's how a party planner gets business: by meeting people, making contact!

Sonny: Meet with me. Come on, I'll order in from Cozy's, we'll have fun.

Vanessa: I am sick of Cozy's! You order from there all the time, the delivery guy's, like, your best friend.

Sonny: Well, he happens to be pretty damn nice. This is a rough patch of my life right now, alright? Syracuse is 0-3, and I've got those medical problems.

Vanessa: [scoffs] Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot two years ago, you spent one night in the hospital.

Sonny: First of all, that cab was huge. And a jury decided that that one night of pain was worth $200,000, so there you go.

Vanessa: Whatever.

Sonny: What the hell's the matter with you? Why are you being so nuts to me lately?

Vanessa: Because, you refuse to move on to the next phase of your life. I, on the other hand, would like to have a family someday. But, I need someone that I can rely on, not just a playmate.

Sonny: What do you need, a father figure? "Stop pulling your sister's hair!

Vanessa: You know what? I am going to go to Syracuse to see my mom. I'll be back on Wednesday.

Sonny: What are you talking about?

Nazo: [in foreign accent] I have call for delivery in building, but I think it was crank call. Want some chocolate cake?

Sonny: It's a bad time, man. Come back later, I'll Indian Wrestle ya.

Nazo: You’re going down, sucker.

Sonny: Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Nazo: [leaves] Okay, peace out.

Sonny: [to Vanessa] What do you mean you're going to Syracuse?

Vanessa: Because I need time to think, and so do you.

Sonny: What do I need to think about?

Vanessa: Your life! And why there's any reason for me to be a part of it.

Sonny: Alright...

Vanessa: [leaves] And while you’re at it, why don't you think about getting a real job?

Sonny: I got a real job!

Sonny Koufax: [drops a can in a supermarket] Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money.

Sonny Koufax: The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!

Sonny Koufax: I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy.

Sonny Koufax: Having a kid is great...As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or speaking.

Sonny Koufax: Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?