22 quotes
The Challenges of Parenting Revealed
Sonny Koufax
Having a kid is great...As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or speaking.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Children's Routine and Entertainment Preferences
Sonny
What's this?
Julian
The Kangaroo Song.
Sonny
All right. Great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay?
Julian
But after my nap, I always watch The Kangaroo Song.
Sonny
It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years.
Julian
Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song! KANGAROO SONG!
Sonny
ALL RIIIIIIGHT!!! God! You were normal yesterday! I can't take this shit. Are you serious? Douchebag kangaroo. / What’s the matter, you all hopped out? Oh. I don’t know how to deal with this, hopefully Vanessa will.
[puts on the Kangaroo Song, but he sees in the VHS is the man in the Kangaroo costume singing children's songs; Julian jumps up and down to the Kangaroo Song; Julian continues jumping to the Kangaroo song; under his breath; after jumping around frantically to the Kangaroo song, Julian suddenly stops; Julian suddenly throws up all the junk food he has been eating all over the floor; covering Julian’s vomit with newspaper]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Simple Conversation About Hockey
Sonny
How're you doing?
Julian
How're you doing?
Sonny
You like hockey?
Julian
You like hockey?
Sonny
This is a big important game.
Julian
This is a big important game.
Sonny
Cut the crap.
Julian
Cut the crap.
Sonny
I'm being serious, don't do that.
Julian
I'm being serious, don't do that.
Sonny
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Yeah, that's what I thought, shut up. Hey, don't you take naps?
[very fast; Julian stops bouncing, unable to repeat him; Julian continues bouncing]
Julian
Sometimes.
Sonny
Well why don't you go take a nap?
Julian
I'm too hungry to sleep.
Sonny
You want some food? Having a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.
[Julian is later asleep on the table, covered in food. Sonny then sits up on his sofa; whispering]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lighthearted Conversation About Yoohoo and Rum
Sonny
Man, this Yoohoo is good. You know what else is good? Smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about?
Jeff
I have a belly button.
Sonny
You have a belly button? Well, we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum.
Jared
What's rum?
Sonny
You don't know what Rum is?
Jared
Rumpelstiltskin?
Sonny
Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.
[smiles; to Julian]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Eczema Causes Itching and Discomfort
Sonny
What are you doing scratching so much?
Julian
I have ecza, ecza..
Sonny
Eczema? Gross!
Julian
How do I make it stop itching?
Sonny
I don't know. You...scratch it. Hey, SpaghettiOs! You like SpaghettiOs? Yeah? Dented cans are half price, Microsoft went down three points We gotta save some money. Here, give it a shot. That's it, boy! Put it in there. Feels good, huh?
[Julian smiles and nods; takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor; takes another can off the shelf and throws it on the floor; gives a can to Julian who throws it on the floor]
Corrine
Hi, Sonny. Hi, Sonny's friend!
[walks down the same aisle as Sonny and Julian; to Sonny, flatly; to Julian, more happy]
Sonny
His name's Frankenstein.
Corrine
Hi, Frankenstein! Remember me?
Julian
Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am.
[pretending to be in trouble like Sonny taught him to use as a pick-up line]
Sonny
You don't gotta do that anymore. Look at that! You guys wear the same size t-shirt! That's cool.
[laughs; notices Corrine's crop-top]
Corrine
Mmm-hmm. So what's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?
Sonny
Did she say I was doing laundry with her? Because where I come from it's called doing the "hibbidy, dibbidy" Ow!
[Corrine smacks him]
Julian
I got eczema.
[showing her his rash on his arm]
Corrine
Oh. well then you shouldn't scratch it.
Sonny
Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. Scratch!
Corrine
Is that better?
[placing a bag of frozen peas on Julian's arm]
Julian
Thank you.
[smiles and walks away]
Corrine
You're welcome.
Sonny
I didn't know you knew anything about kids. I thought you were a foot doctor.
Corrine
It's not doctor stuff, stupid, it's common sense; scratching spreads rashes.
Sonny
Oh so this is something you learned at Hooters.
Corrine
What the hell is he doing?
Sonny
He's shopping.
Julian
Microsoft went down three points.
Corrine
That's real good. See you later, Frankenstein.
[sarcastically to Sonny; happily to Julian]
Sonny
Stay away from the frozen food section! Your boobs'll harden!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Surprise Party for Kevin Unfolds in Chaos
Everyone
SURPRISE!!!
Corrine
Shh. Just ignore him. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny.
Sonny
Yeah, "it's only me, it's only me". What's going on?
[walks over to Tommy, Phil and Mikey]
Phil
Corrine's throwing a surprise going away party for Kevin.
Sonny
Why didn't she tell me about it? The roommate has a right to know.
Phil
Because she knew you'd tell him and ruin the surprise.
Sonny
No I wouldn't.
Man at party
Hey, surprise!
Everyone
Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.
[unexcited]
Sonny
Surprise.
Kevin
What's going on?
[confused]
Corrine
We wasted the good surprise on you!
[walks to the front of the party and realizes the surprise didn't work; to Sonny]
Sonny
Alright.
[chuckling]
Kevin
This your handiwork?
[to Sonny]
Sonny
I guess.
Kevin
See you in three hours.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ordering Food at McDonald's
Cashier
Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?
Sonny
Okay, what do you want?
[to Julian]
Julian
Cheerios.
Sonny
Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else?
Julian
Lasagna.
Sonny
Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? We'll take hotcakes and sausage-
[to cashier]
Cashier
Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast.
Sonny
What are you talking about? We're, like, 4 seconds late.
[looks at the clock on the wall]
Cashier
No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.
Sonny
Aw, HORSESHIT!!! No, no, no. Don't cry, I'm sorry. I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing at the lady.
[Julian starts crying]
Customer
Nice parenting.
[sarcastically]
Sonny
Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? Take a walk! Do you want a Happy Meal? Can I get you one of those Happy Meals? You got a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal? WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!?!
[also sarcastic; throws the man's fries; to Julian; Julian cries louder]
Homeless Man
Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin?
Sonny
Breakfast is over at 10:30.
Homeless Man
Really?
Sonny
Yeah.
Homeless Man
I thought it was 11:00.
Sonny
I thought that too.
[leaves]
Homeless Man
Total mind blower.
Sonny
Will you just relax? Here. What do you want me to do? What will cheer you up? You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight. You'll like her. You wanna see me get hurt? Will that cheer you up? All right. You think that's funny? Good. No more crying.
[carrying a crying Julian; sets him down; Julian continues crying; Julian is still crying; Julian nods; runs in front of a car and hits the hood, the horn blaring. He hits the ground. Julian stops crying, wiping away his tears and begins to giggle]
Car Driver
You okay, man?
[gets out of vehicle]
Sonny
Next time, kill me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Legal Strategies in a High-Stakes Situation
Phil
So, now my client's out $7 million, and all we can sue on is "breach of contract.
[discussing a case of his to Sonny, Mike, and Tommy]
Sonny
Maybe you can try suing under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.
Phil
...I gotta get back to the office, Sonny, you're the king! Mikey, pleasure. I'll see you at home.
[to Tommy]
Tommy
Alright.
Phil
I'll walk you out.
[leaves with Tommy, holding hands]
Mike
I gotta admit, I’m still a little weirded out when they kiss.
Sonny
Why? They're gay, that's what gay guys do.
Mike
I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school.
Sonny
They're still like our brothers, our very very gay brothers. What are you doing after this? Going to a clan meeting?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frugality in Everyday Life
Sonny Koufax
Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money.
[drops a can in a supermarket]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Basketball Rivalry and Friendly Banter
Julian
Sonny, I beat you so bad at basketball yesterday.
Sonny
Well, then, I guess I better stop letting you win.
Kevin
I stopped letting him win six weeks ago, he still beat me.
Sonny
Well, that's because you suck.
Kevin
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Sonny
Hey, Corinne. Put on a tank-top for old times sake, huh? C'mon!
Julian
What's he talking about, Mommy?
Corinne
NOTHING....
[smiles knowingly to Sonny]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendship and Humor Amidst Transition
Tommy
That relationship's lasted a lot longer than I thought.
[referring to Kevin and Corrine]
Sonny
Yeah, look at his eyes, though. He's bored out of his mind. I give it two more weeks.
Kevin
Hey, excuse me! Everybody! I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. Or I guess I should say, I'm getting it. Uh, tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton & Mandel. Yes, me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet.
[stands up in the middle of the party to make an announcement; speaking Chinese and everyone laughs politely]
Tommy
Prove it! Just kidding.
[everyone else laughs but Mikey gives him a look]
Kevin
But, uh, I am real glad you're all here tonight because I'm about to do something I never thought I'd have the guts to do...
Sonny
You're not proposing, are ya?!
Kevin
Uh, yeah, pal, I am.
Sonny
Well, think about it...ya know?
Corrine
God, Sonny! Shut up!
[annoyed]
Kevin
Anyways. Will you?
[sits down with a sigh]
Corrine
Yeah.
[glares at Sonny, to Kevin; kisses him]
Tommy
Good call on the two weeks, pal.
[sarcastically to Sonny]
Kevin
Hey Sonny, what was that all about?
Sonny
Hey, congratulations, you and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna be real happy.
Kevin
Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny
You want to explain to your children that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?
Kevin
Sonny, that was five years ago, she's a doctor now. And my fiancé, so from now on...Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny
Congratulations.
Kevin
Thanks, man.
Sonny
I just got shit going on.
Kevin
What's the matter?
Sonny
Vanessa's gonna break-up with me and I don't know what to do to make her want to stay.
Kevin
Vanessa's just getting older, she wants different things, ya know? Career, stable relationship, a family. That's how they get.
Sonny
I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.
Kevin
Like when we were at Syracuse? And Vanessa worshipped you?
Sonny
Yes, that was nice.
Kevin
Nobody was hassling you to get a job, Tommy and Phil were showering separately. Those were the days. What're you doing?
[Sonny chuckles and nods; Sonny goes to the putting green on their rooftop]
Sonny
If I make this putt, Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am.
Kevin
Oh, you're gonna putt? Remember, the roof breaks to the right.
Sonny
Yes! That's what I'm talking abou- GOOD GOD!!!
[makes a putt; a rat comes out of the hole]
Kevin
That can't be good.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Conversations Over Curly Fries
Sonny
Hey, can we get some curly fries? Vanessa?
[to a passing Hooters waitress; the waitress turns to Sonny, showing it's...]
Vanessa
...Hi, Sonny.
Sonny
You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year-plan? Hey. Maybe it's a ten-year-plan.
[Vanessa glances over to the kitchen. He looks at sees Sid working there. He waves to them]
Julian
Is that the guy with the old balls?
Sonny
Yeah, I guess it is. Oh, come on, I bet they're nice. Awww... Next time, don't say "balls". "Testicles", alright?
[laughs; Vanessa gives an angry look and walks away; to Julian]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Complications in Parenting Plans
Sonny Koufax
I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sonny Questions Vanessa's Job at Hooters
Sonny Koufax
Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Commitment of Adopting a Child
Taglines
Once you adopt a kid, you've got to keep him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity About Scuba Steve's Flippers
Sonny
What's this guy's name?
Julian
Scuba Steve.
Sonny
I like his flippers. Does he ever take them off?
Julian
No.
Sonny
How about when he goes bowling? They don't make him wear bowling shoes, let him wear the flippers?
Julian
Yes.
Sonny
Really?
Nazo
I had a doll like that one time. But, my cat, he bite its head off.
Julian
What kind of cat would do that?
[confused]
Nazo
You calling me a liar?!
[turning confrontational]
Sonny
Hey! Take it easy. Anyways, Monday Night Football's tonight, the Jets are playing. We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone. You wannna come with us?
[to Nazo]
Nazo
I have more deliveries on the bicycle.
Sonny
Well, maybe you could finish that piece of turkey on your lip. There ya go.
[Nazo finds a piece of his turkey sandwich stuck to his lip and eats it; laughs]
Sonny
Yeah! Let's crank up the Styx!
Mr. Hurley
No music during the game.
Sonny
It’s halftime. Relax, Mr. Hurley.
Mr. Hurley
God damn Jets.
Waitress
What are you doing in here, cutie?
[walks by and notices Julian]
Julian
Watching football.
Waitress
Who do you want to win?
Julian
The god damn Jets.
Waitress
Have fun.
[laughs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Sleep and Exercise
Sonny
...Hello?
Lenny
Sonny? It's your dad. Were you asleep?
Sonny
Oh, hey, man, I was - I was exercising.
Lenny
Bullshit. You were sleeping.
Sonny
No, I wasn't, I wasn't.
Lenny
This kid won't stop lying to me. You still act like you're 6!
[to someone near him; to Sonny]
Sonny
Oh yeah, okay, dad. I act like I'm 6.
Lenny
Any luck finding a job where you can work more than one day a week?
Sonny
Uh...I've been looking.
Lenny
Looking doesn't pay the rent, kid.
Sonny
Hey, all the money I won from the cab accident is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax.
Lenny
Well, don't blow it all on worthless crap.
Sonny
I won't!
Lenny
You know what you should spend it on? Your bar exam.
Sonny
You're the lawyer in the family; I ain't taking a damn bar exam. I got too much other shit going on in my life.
Lenny
I don't know what the hell happened to you.
Sonny
Okay.
Lenny
Anyway, how are things going with your girlfriend? What's her name? Vanessa?
Sonny
Things are going fine.
Vanessa
Shit. SHIT!
[wakes up suddenly; looks at the clock]
Sonny
I gotta - I gotta go.
[hangs up the phone]
Vanessa
Damn it, you turned off the alarm clock again!
Sonny
No, no, no. I mean, yes, I did, but I thought you needed more sleep, Vanessa.
Vanessa
I knew I shouldn't have stayed here. That was a real jerk thing to do, thanks a lot!
[rushing to the bathroom to get dressed]
Sonny
What are you doing? Why are you going to work, anyway? It's Sunday.
Vanessa
I'm not going to work, I'm going to brunch...with some potential clients. That's how a party planner gets business: by meeting people, making contact!
Sonny
Meet with me. Come on, I'll order in from Cozy's, we'll have fun.
Vanessa
I am sick of Cozy's! You order from there all the time, the delivery guy's, like, your best friend.
Sonny
Well, he happens to be pretty damn nice. This is a rough patch of my life right now, alright? Syracuse is 0-3, and I've got those medical problems.
Vanessa
Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot two years ago, you spent one night in the hospital.
[scoffs]
Sonny
First of all, that cab was huge. And a jury decided that that one night of pain was worth $200,000, so there you go.
Vanessa
Whatever.
Sonny
What the hell's the matter with you? Why are you being so nuts to me lately?
Vanessa
Because, you refuse to move on to the next phase of your life. I, on the other hand, would like to have a family someday. But, I need someone that I can rely on, not just a playmate.
Sonny
What do you need, a father figure? "Stop pulling your sister's hair!
Vanessa
You know what? I am going to go to Syracuse to see my mom. I'll be back on Wednesday.
Sonny
What are you talking about?
Nazo
I have call for delivery in building, but I think it was crank call. Want some chocolate cake?
[in foreign accent]
Sonny
It's a bad time, man. Come back later, I'll Indian Wrestle ya.
Nazo
You’re going down, sucker.
Sonny
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
Nazo
Okay, peace out.
[leaves]
Sonny
What do you mean you're going to Syracuse?
[to Vanessa]
Vanessa
Because I need time to think, and so do you.
Sonny
What do I need to think about?
Vanessa
Your life! And why there's any reason for me to be a part of it.
Sonny
Alright...
Vanessa
And while you’re at it, why don't you think about getting a real job?
[leaves]
Sonny
I got a real job!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Surprises and Family Support
Kevin
Honey, it was a great surprise! I was totally shocked!
[trying console Corrine who has locked herself in the bathroom]
Corrine
No you weren't! And I worked so hard on it!
[from inside]
Layla
Need some help?
[walks over; to Kevin]
Kevin
Honey, your sister’s here!
[to Corrine]
Layla
Hey, sweetie.
[to Corrine]
Corrine
I hate Sonny!
[from inside]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Changing Relationships and Perceptions of Love
Layla
So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?
Sonny
Yeah.
Layla
Is that strange for you?
Sonny
No, I mean, nothing changed, really. They watch a different kind of porno now, but that’s it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Answers to Nature's Call
Taglines
Nature called. Look who answered.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cleaning Up After Uselessness
Sonny
Where's Kevin?
[walking down the steps from his bedroom]
Corinne
Oh, he already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you.
Sonny
Why are you here then?
Corinne
I'm cleaning because you're useless.
Sonny
And then what? You're gonna go to your Hooters reunion? You guys sit around and talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?
Corinne
At least I can still fit my ass into my shorts, fatty.
Sonny
Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
[pulls a container of Chinese leftovers out of the fridge]
Corinne
I don't know.
Sonny
I'm eating it, then.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Comparison of Child Behavior
Sonny Koufax
The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.