The Nutty Professor (1996) - Quotes

Carla Purty: You know something I couldn't stand about Buddy?

Sherman Klump: What's that?

Carla Purty: He was too damn scrawny.

Buddy Love: [produces a vial of serum] Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration: Look out, David Copperfield, I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear forever!

Jason: [off-screen; enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage; runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] NO-O-O-O-O-O!!! Wait! I cannot... let you do this... anymore! This... has got... to stop! This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!

Cletus Klump: [reaches into his pocket] That's it, I'm glad I brought my knife.

Anna Klump: [opens her purse] Mm-hmm. And I got my razor.

Jason: [to Buddy] Hand over the vial now.

Buddy Love: [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps] Oh, sure thing, hamster boy, but first, a short musical interlude.

Carla Purty: [angry] Buddy! What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman?

Buddy Love: [more gasps; Anna and Cletus Klump both look at each other in confusion; his watch beeps; prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up] Sherman is gone, disappeared! And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump!

Jason: [punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain] I hate being called "hamster boy".

Buddy Love: [goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once again; struggles to punch Jason; Sherman grabs Buddy's neck, choking him] You just don't know when to quit, do you? It's too late, fat boy. It's over! Let go! Let go!

Anna Klump: My goodness!

Cletus Klump: Damn!

Buddy Love: [still choking] Give it up, fat boy, it's over!

Sherman Klump: [appears] It ain't over till the fat professor sings!

Anna Klump: Aah!

Buddy Love: Ohh, let go of my hand, you fat moth--

Sherman Klump: [threateningly] Say one more word, Buddy, I'll tear your arm off!

Buddy Love: [punches Sherman's stomach] Time... we...take... Nestea... plunge!

Anna Klump: [faints as Buddy Love punches Sherman 3 times; sobs] Whoo!

Cletus Klump: We gon get the hell outta here in a second; it's okay.

Anna Clump: Aah!

Cletus Klump: Sweet Jesus!

Anna Klump: Sherman!

Buddy Love: SHERMAN, DON'T DO THIS! YOU NEED ME!!!!!

Sherman Klump: NO, I DON'T!

Buddy Love: [slaps Sherman] YOU FATASS!

Sherman Klump: [slaps Buddy] TINKERBELL!

Buddy Love: [slaps Sherman] BLUBBERBUTT!

Sherman Klump: [slaps Buddy] FEATHERWEIGHT!

Cletus Klump: Somebody better call an Exorcist!

Buddy Love: Sherman! SHERMAN! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!!!!!

Cletus Klump: This is some scary shit!

Sherman Klump: [punches Buddy eight times] YES, I, CAN!!!!!

Anna Klump: [claps her hands] Sherman, come back here! Sherman!

Buddy Love: [clutches his head] What's happenin to me?! Everything's gettin real dark! Oh! I feel real jiggly! I'm blubbifyin'! Sherman, you needed me; I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman! Sherman! No matter what, no matter what... you got to strut.

Buddy Love: [he took a megashake] I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds! Thanks, Megashake!

Jason: [angrily; about Sherman] YOU TRICKED HIM!

Buddy Love: [laughs] Oh, you damn right, hamster boy. I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me. That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life. See, I've done some calculations of my own. If I drink 500 milliters of formula, I'll have enough cellular stability to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!

Jason: No. You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you!

Buddy Love: If I drink it all at once, yes. If I drink half now and half later, that's completely safe. And at midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin. Now if you don't mind, I have a date at the alumni ball, and you have a date with linoleum!

Jason: Who?

Buddy Love: [Carla slaps him] Carla, are you ready to go upstairs? I guess not. Hey, wait, Carla! Where are you going? What's your problem?

Carla Purty: [points to three women] THEY'RE my problem! You can handle all three of them, huh?!

Buddy Love: [winks at her] Oh, well, I was thinking after dinner, you'd want a little group activity. After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.

Carla Purty: Ooh, you are one sick, twisted freak!

Buddy Love: Hey, Carla, where you going? Wha-? Go on, leave! There's more titties over here anyway! Yeah. More titties!

Dean Richmond: Oh, with you, it's always business. Let's get to know each other, man-to-man. Now, if our files are correct, you and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter.

Harlan Hartley: I'm divorced and my daughter is in rehab.

Dean Richmond: So you're saying our files are NOT correct.

Harlan Hartley: Listen, you pompous butt-kisser. I have a check in my pocket for $10 million. Your Buddy Love has until midnight to prove that formula works.

Buddy Love: [walks onto the stage, still laughing hysterically] Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Reggie Warrington: Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business.

Buddy Love: Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass, that brought us so much joy tonight. That's a big ass!

Reggie Warrington: ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this shit no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatacize" your ass!

Buddy Love: Whooooo!

Reggie Warrington: Aw yeah.

Buddy Love: Oh, Reggie! I've heard of "Dreadlocks", but "Shitlocks"?! That's not your hair! Take that pile of shit off your head, man! You’re craz- you just go too far with the comedy!

Reggie Warrington: [karate yells] Come on! Come on!

Buddy Love: What’s that?

Buddy Love: What style is that?

Buddy Love: Oh shit.

Buddy Love: Well, come on with it.

Buddy Love: [to Carla Purdy] Ladies and gentlemen, me and Reggie wanna send one out to a very special lady in the house tonight! Loving you, is easy ‘cause you're beautiful! Do-do-do-do-do! Reggie?

Buddy Love: That was pretty! Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building! Thank you, and good night!

Carla Purty: [looking at Buddy's plates] Six T-Bones, five baked potatoes, and two servings of creamed spinach. I have NEVER seen anyone eat so much. You are so lucky to stay so thin.

Buddy Love: Oh, "lucky" has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of recombinant ribonucleic acids unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.

Carla Purty: ...And what does that mean?

Buddy Love: I dunno, I was just trying to sound extra intelligent. Gotcha! You gonna eat that?

Buddy Love: [arriving to "The Scream" for his date] You are too fine to be giving me curbside service!

Carla Purdy: [angrily] I'm not, I'm leaving.

Buddy Love: What are you talking about leaving? We just got here!

Carla Purdy: No, you just got here, I've been waiting for you for almost an hour!

Buddy Love: Hey, now they say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger, if you know what I mean.

Carla Purdy: Anticipate the night alone.

Buddy Love: Hey, hey, let's just have a meal together! Why you leaving? Hey-what, do you want me to beg you?! I get down on my knees! I'm begging in front of all these people! You think I care that all these people are watching? I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I WAS LATE, AND I'M SORRY!!! My car ran out of gas! I needed fresh drawers! My mother's sick! The car broke down on the street! I'm so sorry!

Carla Purdy: [embarrassed] Buddy, get up.

Buddy Love: No, listen, you gotta hear me out! Now, I am sorry! I don't know why this happened tonight! Of all nights, this has to happen to me tonight! WHYYYY?!

Carla Purdy: Okay.

Buddy Love: WHYYYYYY?!

Carla Purdy: Okay!

Buddy Love: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Carla Purdy: Okay, okay, okay!!!

Buddy Love: [instantly changes mood] Okay good, let's eat! I am SO hungry. Hey, don't let the tears fool you, I'm a tooth chipper.

Reggie Warrington: Whoo-whoo! It's a full moon tonight! I think I found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa!

Sherman Klump: [pretending to laugh] Yeah! Yeah, that's a good one there.

Reggie Warrington: Oh boy, you got more crack than Harlem! Boy's so fat, every time I turn around, it's his birthday! Boy, you gotta put a belt on with a boomerang!

Sherman Klump: Okay, now, alright! That's it, got me!

Reggie Warrington: [crowd cheers; crowd cheers again; crowd roars with laughter] Oh no. No, I ain't got you yet! Should I get him? SHOULD I GET HIM?! Oh, look at this, he with a woman too! Oh, no! Who's sucking whose titties over here?! Last time he got a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC! Extra Krispy! Every time he goes to Sea World, they tame him! He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow! He go outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighborhood shout "Hey! Kool Aid!" Yeah, man! I bet I cut his fat ass open, he'll bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! Now we know what's been eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?!

Anna Klump: You know, Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting me an appointment to go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.

Cletus Klump: [farts loudly, Ernie Jr. starts laughing hysterically] You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! See? There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.

Anna Klump: Cletus, that is disgusting. Every time we're having a meal, you gotta start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

Cletus Klump: Don't tell me to stop, you're the one who brought up colon cleansin', all that mess.

Anna Klump: I did not say anything about breaking gas, I was talking about getting my colon clean.

Cletus Klump: Don't you talk about stickin a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.

Anna Klump: I didn't say nothin about stickin no hose up nobody's ass, Cletus--

Cletus Klump: Well, what you think a colonic is? You think you run your asshole by the car wash?

Anna Klump: See, you're chokin the baby.

Cletus Klump: [as Ernie, Jr. spits the food out and continues laughing; loudly farts] As long as I pay the bills in this house, I'll do what I want to do at this table. Case in point.

Ida Mae Jansen: Who that called my name?

Cletus Klump: [briefly farts and laughs rudely] Yeah, I called you if your name is--

Ida Mae Jansen: [with butter knife] Keep insulting me. I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.

Cletus Klump: [farts again] Yeah, you know, I can go all night!

Anna Klump: [Cletus Klump farts again and Ernie guffaws as Sherman plugs his nose in disgust while eating his dinner, and Ernie, Jr. farts; disgusted] Okay, then, fart. Fart. I hope you fart till your asshole falls out. Oh, my baby, too!

Cletus Klump: [farts and accidentally defecates his pants; stands up; walks away] Whoop! Now, see what you made me do? Goddamn it, I messed up my pants.

Sherman Klump: Damn, Daddy!

Anna Klump: [scene fades from Ernie Je. guffawing to Anna walking to screen door; shocked; to Cletus] You got to clean them yourself! You rotten! Oh, Lord, this has been a fabulous, wonderful, fabulous evening. Oh, look, them dogs done tore up my garbage! Cletus, the dogs ripped the garbage open again!

Cletus Klump: Well, shoot the damn dog, Anna!

Anna Klump: I'm not shootin no dog!

Cletus Klump: I'm tryin to watch Roseanne!

Sherman: [sighs; solemnly] Thanks for the dinner, Mama.

Anna Klump: [concerned; sweetly] Sherman, what's wrong with you? Baby, (are) you still worried about what your father said in there? Ohhh, son, listen to me. You are special, and when the Good Lord made you, he made you beautiful inside and out. You can do anything, Sherman. All you got to do is believe in yourself, and you can do anything.

Grandma Klump: I hope your butt turn into a frog.

Mother Klump: Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! (breaks wind)

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love: Why, thank you very much, I'm fatter-flattered!

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love: The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept myself for who I am.

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love: If you give me a moment, I believe I can try to explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But I became desperate and selfish. What I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. I learned that life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me. I'm sorry.

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love: I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love: Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator.

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love: [to an attractive woman next to him] NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! Not you, me. I’m talking about me. My titties are gone. Your titties are lovely. What’s your name?