17 quotes
Critique of Buddy's Physical Appearance
Carla Purty
You know something I couldn't stand about Buddy?
Sherman Klump
What's that?
Carla Purty
He was too damn scrawny.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Colon Cleansing and Its Discontents
Anna Klump
You know, Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting me an appointment to go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Cletus Klump
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! See? There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
[farts loudly, Ernie Jr. starts laughing hysterically]
Anna Klump
Cletus, that is disgusting. Every time we're having a meal, you gotta start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Cletus Klump
Don't tell me to stop, you're the one who brought up colon cleansin', all that mess.
Anna Klump
I did not say anything about breaking gas, I was talking about getting my colon clean.
Cletus Klump
Don't you talk about stickin a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
Anna Klump
I didn't say nothin about stickin no hose up nobody's ass, Cletus--
Cletus Klump
Well, what you think a colonic is? You think you run your asshole by the car wash?
Anna Klump
See, you're chokin the baby.
Cletus Klump
As long as I pay the bills in this house, I'll do what I want to do at this table. Case in point.
[as Ernie, Jr. spits the food out and continues laughing; loudly farts]
Ida Mae Jansen
Who that called my name?
Cletus Klump
Yeah, I called you if your name is--
[briefly farts and laughs rudely]
Ida Mae Jansen
Keep insulting me. I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
[with butter knife]
Cletus Klump
Yeah, you know, I can go all night!
[farts again]
Anna Klump
Okay, then, fart. Fart. I hope you fart till your asshole falls out. Oh, my baby, too!
[Cletus Klump farts again and Ernie guffaws as Sherman plugs his nose in disgust while eating his dinner, and Ernie, Jr. farts; disgusted]
Cletus Klump
Whoop! Now, see what you made me do? Goddamn it, I messed up my pants.
[farts and accidentally defecates his pants; stands up; walks away]
Sherman Klump
Damn, Daddy!
Anna Klump
You got to clean them yourself! You rotten! Oh, Lord, this has been a fabulous, wonderful, fabulous evening. Oh, look, them dogs done tore up my garbage! Cletus, the dogs ripped the garbage open again!
[scene fades from Ernie Je. guffawing to Anna walking to screen door; shocked; to Cletus]
Cletus Klump
Well, shoot the damn dog, Anna!
Anna Klump
I'm not shootin no dog!
Cletus Klump
I'm tryin to watch Roseanne!
Sherman
Thanks for the dinner, Mama.
[sighs; solemnly]
Anna Klump
Sherman, what's wrong with you? Baby, (are) you still worried about what your father said in there? Ohhh, son, listen to me. You are special, and when the Good Lord made you, he made you beautiful inside and out. You can do anything, Sherman. All you got to do is believe in yourself, and you can do anything.
[concerned; sweetly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication at the Meeting Spot
Buddy Love
You are too fine to be giving me curbside service!
[arriving to "The Scream" for his date]
Carla Purdy
I'm not, I'm leaving.
[angrily]
Buddy Love
What are you talking about leaving? We just got here!
Carla Purdy
No, you just got here, I've been waiting for you for almost an hour!
Buddy Love
Hey, now they say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger, if you know what I mean.
Carla Purdy
Anticipate the night alone.
Buddy Love
Hey, hey, let's just have a meal together! Why you leaving? Hey-what, do you want me to beg you?! I get down on my knees! I'm begging in front of all these people! You think I care that all these people are watching? I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I WAS LATE, AND I'M SORRY!!! My car ran out of gas! I needed fresh drawers! My mother's sick! The car broke down on the street! I'm so sorry!
Carla Purdy
Buddy, get up.
[embarrassed]
Buddy Love
No, listen, you gotta hear me out! Now, I am sorry! I don't know why this happened tonight! Of all nights, this has to happen to me tonight! WHYYYY?!
Carla Purdy
Okay.
Buddy Love
WHYYYYYY?!
Carla Purdy
Okay!
Buddy Love
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Carla Purdy
Okay, okay, okay!!!
Buddy Love
Okay good, let's eat! I am SO hungry. Hey, don't let the tears fool you, I'm a tooth chipper.
[instantly changes mood]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings and High Stakes in Business
Dean Richmond
Oh, with you, it's always business. Let's get to know each other, man-to-man. Now, if our files are correct, you and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter.
Harlan Hartley
I'm divorced and my daughter is in rehab.
Dean Richmond
So you're saying our files are NOT correct.
Harlan Hartley
Listen, you pompous butt-kisser. I have a check in my pocket for $10 million. Your Buddy Love has until midnight to prove that formula works.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Humor in Self-Acceptance
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
Why, thank you very much, I'm fatter-flattered!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Comedic Take on Body Image
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! Not you, me. I’m talking about me. My titties are gone. Your titties are lovely. What’s your name?
[to an attractive woman next to him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acceptance of Self and Others
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept myself for who I am.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Extreme Weight Loss Decisions
Buddy Love
I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds! Thanks, Megashake!
[he took a megashake]
Jason
YOU TRICKED HIM!
[angrily; about Sherman]
Buddy Love
Oh, you damn right, hamster boy. I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me. That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life. See, I've done some calculations of my own. If I drink 500 milliters of formula, I'll have enough cellular stability to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!
[laughs]
Jason
No. You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you!
Buddy Love
If I drink it all at once, yes. If I drink half now and half later, that's completely safe. And at midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin. Now if you don't mind, I have a date at the alumni ball, and you have a date with linoleum!
Jason
Who?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fat Jokes and Humorous Insults
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Banter Over Dinner Disrupted by Flatulence
Grandma Klump
I hope your butt turn into a frog.
Mother Klump
Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Papa Klump
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! (breaks wind)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fat Jokes and Stage Confrontation
Buddy Love
Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
[walks onto the stage, still laughing hysterically]
Reggie Warrington
Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business.
Buddy Love
Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass, that brought us so much joy tonight. That's a big ass!
Reggie Warrington
ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this shit no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatacize" your ass!
Buddy Love
Whooooo!
Reggie Warrington
Aw yeah.
Buddy Love
Oh, Reggie! I've heard of "Dreadlocks", but "Shitlocks"?! That's not your hair! Take that pile of shit off your head, man! You’re craz- you just go too far with the comedy!
Reggie Warrington
Come on! Come on!
[karate yells]
Buddy Love
What’s that?
Buddy Love
What style is that?
Buddy Love
Oh shit.
Buddy Love
Well, come on with it.
Buddy Love
Ladies and gentlemen, me and Reggie wanna send one out to a very special lady in the house tonight! Loving you, is easy ‘cause you're beautiful! Do-do-do-do-do! Reggie?
[to Carla Purdy]
Buddy Love
That was pretty! Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building! Thank you, and good night!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Showdown Over a Dangerous Act
Buddy Love
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration: Look out, David Copperfield, I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear forever!
[produces a vial of serum]
Jason
NO-O-O-O-O-O!!! Wait! I cannot... let you do this... anymore! This... has got... to stop! This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!
[off-screen; enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage; runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him]
Cletus Klump
That's it, I'm glad I brought my knife.
[reaches into his pocket]
Anna Klump
Mm-hmm. And I got my razor.
[opens her purse]
Jason
Hand over the vial now.
[to Buddy]
Buddy Love
Oh, sure thing, hamster boy, but first, a short musical interlude.
[punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps]
Carla Purty
Buddy! What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman?
[angry]
Buddy Love
Sherman is gone, disappeared! And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump!
[more gasps; Anna and Cletus Klump both look at each other in confusion; his watch beeps; prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]
Jason
I hate being called "hamster boy".
[punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain]
Buddy Love
You just don't know when to quit, do you? It's too late, fat boy. It's over! Let go! Let go!
[goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once again; struggles to punch Jason; Sherman grabs Buddy's neck, choking him]
Anna Klump
My goodness!
Cletus Klump
Damn!
Buddy Love
Give it up, fat boy, it's over!
[still choking]
Sherman Klump
It ain't over till the fat professor sings!
[appears]
Anna Klump
Aah!
Buddy Love
Ohh, let go of my hand, you fat moth--
Sherman Klump
Say one more word, Buddy, I'll tear your arm off!
[threateningly]
Buddy Love
Time... we...take... Nestea... plunge!
[punches Sherman's stomach]
Anna Klump
Whoo!
[faints as Buddy Love punches Sherman 3 times; sobs]
Cletus Klump
We gon get the hell outta here in a second; it's okay.
Anna Clump
Aah!
Cletus Klump
Sweet Jesus!
Anna Klump
Sherman!
Buddy Love
SHERMAN, DON'T DO THIS! YOU NEED ME!!!!!
Sherman Klump
NO, I DON'T!
Buddy Love
YOU FATASS!
[slaps Sherman]
Sherman Klump
TINKERBELL!
[slaps Buddy]
Buddy Love
BLUBBERBUTT!
[slaps Sherman]
Sherman Klump
FEATHERWEIGHT!
[slaps Buddy]
Cletus Klump
Somebody better call an Exorcist!
Buddy Love
Sherman! SHERMAN! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!!!!!
Cletus Klump
This is some scary shit!
Sherman Klump
YES, I, CAN!!!!!
[punches Buddy eight times]
Anna Klump
Sherman, come back here! Sherman!
[claps her hands]
Buddy Love
What's happenin to me?! Everything's gettin real dark! Oh! I feel real jiggly! I'm blubbifyin'! Sherman, you needed me; I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman! Sherman! No matter what, no matter what... you got to strut.
[clutches his head]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Take on Unconventional Hairstyles
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Banter Under the Full Moon
Reggie Warrington
Whoo-whoo! It's a full moon tonight! I think I found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa!
Sherman Klump
Yeah! Yeah, that's a good one there.
[pretending to laugh]
Reggie Warrington
Oh boy, you got more crack than Harlem! Boy's so fat, every time I turn around, it's his birthday! Boy, you gotta put a belt on with a boomerang!
Sherman Klump
Okay, now, alright! That's it, got me!
Reggie Warrington
Oh no. No, I ain't got you yet! Should I get him? SHOULD I GET HIM?! Oh, look at this, he with a woman too! Oh, no! Who's sucking whose titties over here?! Last time he got a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC! Extra Krispy! Every time he goes to Sea World, they tame him! He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow! He go outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighborhood shout "Hey! Kool Aid!" Yeah, man! I bet I cut his fat ass open, he'll bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! Now we know what's been eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?!
[crowd cheers; crowd cheers again; crowd roars with laughter]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicted Emotions in a Group Setting
Buddy Love
Carla, are you ready to go upstairs? I guess not. Hey, wait, Carla! Where are you going? What's your problem?
[Carla slaps him]
Carla Purty
THEY'RE my problem! You can handle all three of them, huh?!
[points to three women]
Buddy Love
Oh, well, I was thinking after dinner, you'd want a little group activity. After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.
[winks at her]
Carla Purty
Ooh, you are one sick, twisted freak!
Buddy Love
Hey, Carla, where you going? Wha-? Go on, leave! There's more titties over here anyway! Yeah. More titties!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Intelligence and Appetite in a Humorous Exchange
Carla Purty
Six T-Bones, five baked potatoes, and two servings of creamed spinach. I have NEVER seen anyone eat so much. You are so lucky to stay so thin.
[looking at Buddy's plates]
Buddy Love
Oh, "lucky" has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of recombinant ribonucleic acids unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.
Carla Purty
...And what does that mean?
Buddy Love
I dunno, I was just trying to sound extra intelligent. Gotcha! You gonna eat that?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Acceptance and the Pursuit of Happiness
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
If you give me a moment, I believe I can try to explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But I became desperate and selfish. What I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. I learned that life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me. I'm sorry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.