Steve CarellQuotes

Phil Foster: He turned the gun sideways! That's a kill shot!

Kieran: Have you ever lived among a herd of goats, for months at a time, as one of them?

Barry: No.

Kieran: That surprises me.

Barry: I know everything! I have laid eggs... *inside of your brain*!

Therman: Get them out of my head!

Barry: You are no longer in control of me! I control you, and you are under my power!

Barry: I know everything. And I release you!

Barry: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you.

Darla: I'm a naughty schoolgirl!

Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.

Barry: [[Morgan Freeman] He's friends with ]!

Barry: [[John Lennon] In the words of ]; you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not...

Tim: The only one...

Barry: What?

Tim: You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one... that's the lyric...

Barry: Yeah. Okay, Tim...

Walt: Maybe you should go back to your shrink. Discuss it.

Hobie: He just recommended Prozac. I think he has stock in the company, honestly.

Ben Cooper: I still have me arms!

Ron Burgundy: Brick, what the hell is that?

Brick Tamland: It's a gun...from the future.

Wesley Jackson: No fair, he has a gun from the future!

Ron Burgundy: Where did you get it from?

BBC Anchor: [[w:BBC|BBC; BBC news team shouts] Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wanker-man Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the ] News Service!

Ron Burgundy: Oh, not now!

Jack Lime: [To his news team] Fall back, fall back.

Wesley Jackson: [[w:MTV|MTV] If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the ] news crew want in!

Brian Fantana: What's "MTV"?

Ron Burgundy: I think it's a venereal disease.

Wesley Jackson: [MTV news team shouts] The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"!

Jill Jansen: It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...

Wendy Van Peel: And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.

BBC Anchor: Entertainment News is an abomination!

Wendy Van Peel: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!

Jill Jansen: Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!

Brian Fantana: I like how they're put together.

Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.

Jill Jansen: I like to cunt-punt cowboys.

Wendy Van Peel: You eat pussy?

Jill Jansen: You're gonna.

Scott Riles: [Canada News Team shouts] HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team.

Quebec News Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!

Scott Riles: Give it a rest, eh?

Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!

Scott Riles: We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.

Quebec News Anchor: Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!

Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor: Sorry!

Brick Tamland: [[w:Canada Dry|your ginger ale] ...I like ]!

Jeff Bullington: [[w:ESPN|ESPN] Jeff Bullington, ], all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!

Brian Fantana: Holy shit, there's a lot of news!

Ron Burgundy: It's true, the market has become saturated.

History Network Host: [History Network team shouts] Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later!

Ron Burgundy: [[w:Stonewall Jackson|Stonewall Jackson] Wait a minute, is that the ghost of ] with you?

History Network Host: [[w:Minotaur|minotaur] Yes, it is. And the mighty ]!

Jack Lime: Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!

Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!

Mack Tannen: Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!

Champ Kind: He's on our side, right Ron?

Ron Burgundy: He's a were-hyena!

Wesley Jackson: [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson; [w:Michael Jackson's Thriller|video idea] I'm gonna call ], I got a ]!

Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!

Jill Jansen: [Quietly] I'm so horny right now.

Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!

Scott Riles: C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?

Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor: Sorry.

Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!

El Trousias: [Blows her horn] I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song!

Jeff Bullington: El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!

El Trousias: [Finishes blowing her horn] ...That means you can start.

Brick Tamland: I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if I'm wrong.

Brick Tamland: [from the outtakes; laughs] I pooped a Cornish game hen. Uh . . . Nope.

Brick Tamland: [from the outtakes] I pooped a tape recorder.

Brick Tamland: [from the outtakes] I pooped a hammer.

Brick Tamland: [from the outtakes] I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said. My stomach's itchy.

Brick Tamland: [from the outtakes] I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.

Brick Tamland: [[w:Intelligence quotient|IQ] I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite, and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream, and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an ] of 48 and am what some people call "mentally retarded.

Dave Schultz: [notices that John has a gun] Hey, John. What's happening? Hey, whoa!

John du Pont: You have a problem with me?

Fred Cole: No, John, don't!

Dave Schultz: John, I don't have a problem. Hey, John...

John du Pont: Mark. After practice, I want you to shower, and come talk to me. All right?

Mark Schultz: Yeah. All right.

John du Pont: Three hundred eighty-seven days to Seoul, gentlemen. Let's have a good practice, shall we?

Mark Schultz: You all right? Huh?

John du Pont: You are a good friend, Mark.

Mark Schultz: Thank you, John.

John du Pont: I only had one real friend growing up. Hugh Cherry. Hughby. He was the son of my mother's chauffeur.

Mark Schultz: Uh-huh.

John du Pont: When I was 16, I found out that my mother had been paying him to be my friend.

Mark Schultz: Dave was my only friend growing up. Yeah.

John du Pont: Three thousand men died here. These patriots were willing to give up everything... including their lives... for freedom. I like to come here to remind myself what really matters. We're going to do great things, Mark. Great things.

Mark Schultz: Yes, sir. I'm gonna give you everything I have.

John du Pont: You look good. You look strong. Fit.

Mark Schultz: Thank you, sir.

John du Pont: Feeling confident?

John du Pont: That's one of the most important elements of entering a match is feeling the confidence, knowing that you're going to win. Feeling it inside. If you get - go to a match knowing you're going to win that match, odds are you're going to win that match. You're training with your brother Dave?

Mark Schultz: Yes, sir.

John du Pont: Great Dave Schultz?

Mark Schultz: Yeah.

John du Pont: And I'm talking to the great Mark Schultz. Do you have any idea why I asked you to come here?

Mark Schultz: No.

John du Pont: No. Well, Mark, do you - do you have any idea who I am?

Mark Schultz: No. No.

John du Pont: Some rich guy calls you on the phone. I want the great Mark Schultz to come visit me. Well, I'm a - I'm a wrestling coach. And I have a deep love of the sport of wrestling. And I wanted to speak with you about your future. About what you hope to achieve. What do you hope to achieve, Mark?

Mark Schultz: Well, I wanna be the best in the world. I wanna go to the Worlds and win gold. I wanna go to the 88 Olympics and win gold.

John du Pont: Good. I'm proud of you. Are you getting the support that you need?

Mark Schultz: What do you mean, sir?

John du Pont: Well, you know how the Soviets support their wrestlers.

Mark Schultz: I do.

John du Pont: Mark, we as a nation have failed to honor you. And that's a problem. Not just for you, but for our society. When we fail to honor that which should be honored, it's a problem. It's a canary in a coal mine. Do you bird-watch?

Mark Schultz: Uh, no.

John du Pont: You can learn a lot from birds. I'm an ornithologist. But more importantly, I am a patriot. And I want to see this country soar again.

Mark Schultz: I want that too.

John du Pont: I can see that.

John du Pont: Horses are stupid. Horses eat and shit. That's all they do. It's very silly. It's all very silly.

John du Pont: I do not share my mother's affection for horseflesh, I'll have you know.

John du Pont: [slaps Mark Schultz in the face and whispers] You ungrateful ape.

John du Pont: I don't care about trains, Mother. I am leading men!

John du Pont: I consider you a friend. And my friends call me Eagle. Or Golden Eagle. Either of those would work. Or John. Or Coach.

John du Pont: I'm getting Dave. And I don't care how much it costs.

John du Pont: Coach is the father. Coach is a mentor. Coach has great power on athlete's life.

Mark Baum: [Last line of the movie] Okay...sell it all.

Mark Baum: I have a feeling in a few years people are going to be doing what they always do when the economy tanks. They will be blaming immigrants and poor people.

Mark Baum: They knew. They knew the taxpayers would bail them out. They weren't being stupid; they just didn't care.

Mark Baum: We're going to wait and we're going to wait and we're going to wait until they feel the pain until they start to bleed.

Mark Baum: Holy shit. All this time I've been trying to figure out who it is I'm betting against, and it's Morgan-Stanley. Which is me.

Mark Baum: I'm going to try to find moral redemption at the roulette table.

Mark Baum: We live in an era of fraud in America. Not just in banking, but in government, education, religion, food, even baseball... What bothers me isn't that fraud is not nice. Or that fraud is mean. For fifteen thousand years, fraud and short-sighted thinking have never, ever worked. Not once. Eventually, you get caught, things go south. When the hell did we forget all that? I thought we were better than this, I really did.

Mark Baum: It's two simple questions: Is there a bubble? And if there is, how exposed are the banks?

Mark Baum: [Regarding Vennett] I can't hate him. He's so transparent in his self-interest, that I kind of respect him. Would I buy a car from him? No.

Mark Baum: The banks have given us 25% interest rates on credit cards. They have screwed us on student loans that we can never get out from under. Then this guy walks into my office and says those same banks got greedy, they lost track of the market, and I can profit off of their stupidity? Fuck yeah, I want him to be right!

Mark Baum: So, mortgage bonds are dog shit, and CDO's are dog shit wrapped in cat shit?

Mark Baum: [On the phone] Let me ask you this: What company treats its customers that shittily and succeeds?...Fine, okay, Goldman.

Mark Baum: And I'm getting madder and madder, and I ask this guy how he sleeps at night knowing he's ripping off working people and he just leaves. He doesn't say a word. He just walks away from the lunch. So, am I the fucked up one, or is he?

Mark Baum: I am happy when I'm unhappy.https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f9f9ee13-826e-4f1a-9343-805c8ea747cc

Maxwell Smart: Chief, I have to say this whole thing really steams my clams. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.

The Chief: [They plow through a sand dune] Sand trap.

Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!

The Chief: [they crash over a tractor] Tractor.

Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.

The Chief: Swordfish!

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Chief: [calmly] I don't know. Were you thinking, "Oh my god, oh my god. A swordfish almost went through my head!"? If so, then yes.

Agent 99: Which one of these is going to attract the least attention?

Maxwell Smart: [looks inside a garage and spots something] All right, well we have a couple of Soviet-era sedans here. We have that tractor, that cart. And... that'll work.

Agent 99: No.

Maxwell Smart: Yes.

Agent 99: [objectively] No!

Maxwell Smart: [starts entering the garage] Yess.....

Agent 99: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, we are really under the radar now.

Maxwell Smart: Will you relax? Since the fall of Communism, everybody has one of these here.

Farmer: [subtitled Russian; His wife whips out a cell phone and promptly takes a picture of the car] A Ferrari!

Maxwell Smart: [an alarm on his watch goes off] Boy, you know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!

Maxwell Smart: [He leaves and returns to his and 99's table] Time to take my pill... There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.

Agent 99: OK. Well...

Maxwell Smart: No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some find appealing.

Agent 99: So, how do you know this place?

Maxwell Smart: [99 stares at him] Well, as an analyst, I like to keep my ears open. It's amazing what you can learn listening to chatter. In fact, Ladislas Krstic loves this place, as do many KAOS agents. Cafe Minsk Pinsk in Smolensk - it doesn't get any better than thinsk. See what I just did? I added an "insk" at the end of the word. Made it sound Russian.

Agent 99: [sighs] Should've smacked you harder.

Maxwell Smart: Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? "It's Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face." "Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face." "Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!

Agent 99: You know, I love bread, and I know bread has a few carbs, but I've never been afraid of carbs, because it seems like no matter how many I eat, I stay thinsk.

Maxwell Smart: [99 suddenly stops and turns on him] Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?

Agent 99: Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why?! It is because you keep leading!!

Maxwell Smart: Well-

Agent 99: So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!

Maxwell Smart: [99 starts walking] I beg to differ! I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored-

Agent 99: My what?!

Maxwell Smart: Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!

Agent 99: [simultaneously] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!!

Maxwell Smart: [Beat] ....A-!

Agent 99: Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?

Maxwell Smart: [draws pistol; As he brings it up in front of him, 99 grabs it and points it at his head] I take out my gun and I would shoot-

Agent 99: You don't have a gun.

Maxwell Smart: I did until you took it-

Agent 99: Bang!", you're dead!

Maxwell Smart: [99 lowers it at his heart] No, I'm not.

Agent 99: Bang!", you're dead!

Maxwell Smart: Stop shooting me.

Agent 99: [starts pointing it to all over his upper body] You are dead! Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang!

Maxwell Smart: [as she's saying that; 99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants, in the process making an almost sexual advance on him] I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it! Stop shooting me! You've already said I was- Hey.

Agent 99: [quietly through gritted teeth] Throw out your manual. Out here there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".

Maxwell Smart: [99 stops, glaring away from Max. As he warms up, she suddenly spins and backhands him across his face] You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of ­Choi Kwang-Do. I was not ready!

Agent 99: That's my point.

Maxwell Smart: [She slaps him again] You know what- Hey! What was that?!

Maxwell Smart: Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?

Lloyd: [whimpering] Fear.

Agent 99: Freeze!

Maxwell Smart: Freeze.

Agent 99: No, you freeze!

Maxwell Smart: You freeze.

Agent 99: I told you to freeze!

Maxwell Smart: Freeze, times infinity.

Agent 99: [turns Max around so that he's facing her, and they recognize each other] Oh, my God! You!

Maxwell Smart: You.

Agent 99: Are you CONTROL?

Maxwell Smart: [beat] Yes I am. I'm Maxwell Smart. I am a CONTROL analyst. Who are you?

Agent 99: I'm Agent 99.

Maxwell Smart: Oh, my lord, you are Agent 99? I am a huge fan!

Agent 99: Thank you.

Maxwell Smart: [sighs; The camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window; As he starts to walk away, a jogger plows straight into him, and both of them fall down; He helps her to her feet] I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world. Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, Fang. Don't love me. Oh, dear. Sorry.

Agent 99: [looks at her watch] Oh, great! That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was!

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.

Agent 99: I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.

Maxwell Smart: Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.

Agent 99: Oh really? That's, uh, slower.

Maxwell Smart: Well, not everything's a competition.

Agent 99: If it were, I'd win.

Maxwell Smart: Ah. Are you flirting with me?

Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?

Maxwell Smart: [99 puts her headphones back in her ears] That depends. Is it working?

Agent 99: [jogs away] Not at all.

Maxwell Smart: [A man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot. He screams in pain] Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus! Am I invisible?

Maxwell Smart: Missed it by THAT much.

Maxwell Smart: Well, that was a sucker punch to the gonads.

God: I'm God.

Evan: You're God!?

God: Yes and I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.

Evan: Okay, you know what, this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call, over. But, I gotta get to get going because frankly, I have an ark to build. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting ya, take care.(walks away) Oh, and... (turns around to realize that God has vanished)

Evan Baxter: [Looks into rear view mirror, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere; He screams] Shake it off, Evan. It's over. The nutcase is gone. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Successful, powerful, handsome- Happy!

Evan Baxter: And he wanted me to wear this robe because he thought it would be funny.

Evan Baxter: [With his arms and staff outstretched to the looming Memorial Bridge, as the Ark is fast approaching it.; Nothing happens; Suddenly the whole right side of the Ark falls dark, as a massive wave four times the size and height of the Ark rises up and crashes down redirecting its path instantly down Capital Mall.] I command thee halt! Stop! Woah! How about a little help here?!

Evan Baxter: (Joan and the kids have just left him) I know, I know. Everything you do, you do because you love me. (A sprinkler blasts him in the face) Do me a favor; love me less!

Evan Baxter: SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!

Evan Baxter: (two wolves growl at Long) Don't look now Congressman but the wolves are here. Although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves but those. (Evan gestures to the angry members of Congress standing behind Long)

Evan Baxter: People, the flood is imminent! (nothing happens) IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A LITTLE PRECIPITATION!?

Evan Baxter: [Is using ancient tools to build the ark; [w:Home Depot|Home Depot] Ever heard of ]!?

Evan Baxter: (to Long after the Ark crashes into Congress] Hello Congressman. Mind if I park my boat here?

Evan Baxter: [after the Ark crashes into Congress) We can walk from here.

Evan Baxter: [signing off for the last time; [w:Iron Eyes Cody|that old Indian in front of all the garbage] I feel like ]. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter for Eyewitness News. Goodnight.

Aunt 1: Dan, what's your talent?

Dan: Murderer of Love.

Marie: It's sweet.

Dan: What's sweet? How is that sweet?

Marie: To be so certain; to feel that much love...

Dan: Love. Love isn't a feeling.

Marie: No?

Dan: It's an ability.

Marie: Well, if that's true, you have one gifted daughter!

Cara: YOU ARE A MURDERER OF LOVE!

Dan: Look, I'm not your parent, but I should warn you: love is a dangerous feeling.

Marty: No sir.

Dan: Are you arguing with me?

Marty: [speaks spanish] No, I'm....It's just that.... Love is not a feeling, it's an ability.

Dan: Who told you that?

Marty: I made it up Mr. Burns.

Cara: What we have is true love. Just because you don't have it doesn't mean you have to punish us for it!

Dan: Infatuation is not love. Sexual attraction is not love.

Cara: you don't understand.

Dan: Ah, I don't understand.

Cara: You don't even understand that you don't understand!

Dan: What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart, that there's something about this person that you really connect with? And when you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything in your mind and in your heart, and you know, that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?

Cara: So Marty can stay?

Cara: You don't have to worry. When it comes to sex, Marty's the one who wants to wait.

Dan: What about that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?

Jane: Dad, Lily just asked me why you were flirting with Marie.

Dan: I wasn't flirting.

Jane: Don't worry, I covered for you. I told her it was nothing.

Dan: Because it was!

Jane: Dad, I'm Seventeen. You were so flirting. And besides, it's not like she's the least bit interested in you anyway.

Mrs. Burns: Why you're persistent in acting like a 15 year-old is beyond me.

Dan: I'm filled with reckless desire.

Mrs. Burns: You ought to be filled with greater restraint.

Dan: What does that mean?

Mrs. Burns: I think you know what that means.

Mitch: Dude I'm sorry, but any girl that moves like that...a guy has got to wonder.

Dan: [points to Marie] Hey!

Mitch: Oh, no, she's cool. Marie, you're cool right?

Marie: Of course! I'm cool. But I don't think Dan's interested in her.

Mitch: He's not?

Dan: I'm not?

Marie: [Dan gets up to go dance with Ruthy] I don't think you are. Are you?

Mitch: Oh, alright! I don't know, but it seems like something was holding him back before.

Marie: Not anymore.

Mitch: So, Harvard Medical, Johns Hopkins, you're certainly doing well for yourself Ruthy.

Dan: Yeah, it's impressive.

Mitch: Must not leave enough time, though, for dating.

Ruthy: [starts to cry] Well, there was someone...um, he was very special in my life, but um... he was...lost in a...freak accident, I'm so sorry! What's weird is that we had only known each other three days, but you know how sometimes you just...know.

Mrs Burns: Dan, hi.

Dan: Hey.

Mrs. Burns: Honey, you know we're worried about you. You know that.

Mr. Burns: And with your behavior last night and this morning, we are now officially worried.

Dan: Well, I'm touched but, but, I'm fine.

Mrs. Burns: We're having a discussion.

Dan: No, no, come on in.

Mrs. Burns: Dan, this is private, we'd like to talk to you.

Dan: Go ahead.

Mrs. Burns: You know, you do so much for your girls, you do so much for all of us. But what are you doing for yourself?

Dan: Come on in.

Aunt 2: Can we come in?

Dan: It's fine. Stay please.

Mrs. Burns: We'd like to speak to you privately.

Dan: Go ahead, mom.

Daughter: Grandma?

Mrs. Burns: Yes, dear?

Daughter: Is this because Uncle Dan's acting so weird?

Uncle 2: Yes, and you know, there's an explanation for all that weirdness.

Dan: Please, tell us!

All: Oh, come on!

Uncle 2: I talked to my neurologist about this!

Mr. Burns: That's enough!

Mrs. Burns: That's not what this is about!

Aunt 1: The one question that no one will ask is: will Dan ever find love again?

Uncle 1: No, he won't.

Mrs. Burns: Howard!

Uncle 1: No, I'm sorry, he won't. If you're open to it, love will find you.

Dan: [laughs] Oh, perfect.

Uncle 2: I don't know if I was being clear before, but you've got to unclog that drain.

Dan: Uh-huh.

Uncle: Unplug that bottle...I think I mixed the metaphor there.

Dan: So far what you've missed is; worried, love will find, unplug the drain. Well, thanks we are done!

Mrs. Burns: No, no. That is not it. We met Margo Draper's daughter at the farmer's market and she asked all about you.

Mr. Burns: You see Danny, you have to have a little fun.

Mrs. Burns: Which means she's going to pick you up, and you're going to have drinks! You're going on a date!

Dan: No mom!

Mrs. Burns: Yes, honey! It's TIME.

Mitch: Ruthy Pig-face Draper? Come on mom!

Mrs. Burns: She's not a Pig-face!

Uncle 2: Ruthy Pig-face Draper...come on that is downright cruel!

Dan: Mom, I don't even remember Ruthy Pig-face Draper. I don't wanna go! I don't want to go with...the...pig-face!

Dan: Stop reading my book, okay. Just stop.

Marie: Why?

Dan: And that salsa thing you do? You know, this thing? Can you just stop that? It would be very helpful to me. And another thing you can do is just not exist.

Marie: Oh, thank you.

Dan: Yeah, I said it. I didn't mean it, but I said it. And you know what else I'm going to do? I am going to make myself less attractive. So as to not encourage any inappropriate feelings!

Dan: okay, that's hilarious. You know what, fine. I'm going to stop thinking about you.

Marie: Good!

Dan: I will. And if I start thinking about you, which may happen in a moment of...

Marie: Weakness.

Dan: Weakness! I am going to focus all of my thoughts on your flaws.

Marie: My flaws?

Dan: Your flaws.

Marie: And they are?

Dan: I have no idea. But you can rest assured that I will find them!

Dan: you know why we have lighthouses?

Kid: Because they're neat?

Dan: That's right, yes. And also because they help when it's dark out. They uh, help keep boats safe, and they help us from crashing into rocks. Because, when you're out there, and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves, and you think that you'll never feel land again, and that you could just split into a million pieces, and just sink down all the way down into the deep, it's the light that keeps us on course. It's the light.

Lily: Dad, are you okay?

Dan: Of course I'm okay...Honey.

Dan: No no no. This was the place with all of the shells, and the paper-mache shark!

Lily: When I was 4.

Dan: Yeah, but...okay. Stick with me guys. Oh, I have an idea! Let's go bowling!

Kids: Yeah!

Dan: [outside the closed bowling alley] Alright! Sounds good! Life is full of disappointment. Big, and sometimes even bigger. So, what's it going to be? The lighthouse or the whaling museum? Your pick.

Dan: I'm sorry. I was way, way out of line.

Mitch: No. You're never out of line, you're my brother.

Dan: I think you'll understand when I--

Mitch: Look, bro, there's nothing you could say or do that could upset me.

Dan: The woman I met, at the book store--

Mitch: [raises his hand and Dan stops] When you were talking about the other girls, I realized what I feel for Marie is different. You know that feeling in um...your...

Dan: Your heart.

Mitch: Yeah, your heart. And your heart is...

Dan: It's pounding.

Mitch: yes.

Dan: Like it's right outside of your ribs.

Mitch: Yeah.

Dan: And it feels exposed and vulnerable, wonderful and awful, and heartsick, and alive all at the same time.

Mitch: Yes! What do you call that?

Dan: Love.

Mr. Burns: So a little bird told me you're going to be syndicated.

Dan: Lily. They're looking at a bunch of columnists, it's a long shot at best.

Jane: She's amazing! Name a place and she's either lived there or visited. Tibet, Chile, Berlin when there was the walls, she's...gah!

Mr. Burns: Well, Mitch certainly made out.

Dan: Yup.

Mr. Burns: And what about you?

Dan: Oh, Dad...

Mr. Burns: Come on, you always say that with Suzanne you won the lottery and to try again would feel greedy...But it's been 4 years!

Dan: Can we just walk please?

Dan: Mitch is a great guy.

Marie: He is, he is. He's fun and uh, funny. He's complicated, but in a good way. Just what I need.

Dan: He's a great guy.

Marie: See, I just got out of a relationship, and Mitch was there.

Dan: He's a great guy.

Marie: You keep saying that.

Dan: Well, because he is. So good luck, to all of us.

Mr. Burns: What's wrong?

Dan: Nobody! I mean nothing!

Dan: I would call you to say I'm not calling. Wow.

Marie: So you're telling me you're one of those widowers with three daughters who preys on unsuspecting women in bookstores?

Dan: It seems that way, yeah.

Dan: I bought a muffin...but I think they gave me a small planet.

Marie: You. Are. Smooth.

Dan: Actually, I'm not smooth. I'm, uh, Dan.

Dan: What are you looking for?

Marie: Something funny might be nice. But not something necessarily big, hahaha, laugh out loud funny, and certainly not-make-fun-of-other-people funny, but certainly something human funny. And uh, if it could um, sneak up on you, surprise you, and at the same time make you think that what you thought was only right in a wrong kind of way, and when you're wrong, there's a certain rightness to your wrongness. Well, maybe, what I mean is, more importantly, I'm looking to be swept up. And, at the same time, not. Meaning I want to feel a deep connection to something. Or maybe, I don't know what I'm looking for.

Dan: My kids can't stand me.

Dad: Just means you're doing something right!

Dan: I think your sisters aren't very happy with me.

Lily: Duh.

Dan: Why do you think?

Lily: You're a good father, but sometimes bad dad.

Dan: Who told you to say that?

Lily: no one.

Dan: Was it Jane or Cara? You can tell me.

Lily: I made it up myself.

Dan: No, you didn't. Jane or Cara?

Lily: I made it up myself. I'm in the 4th grade. I can make things up for myself.

Dan: Jane or Cara?

Lily: I made it up myself! I can think for myself!

Dan: Jane or Cara?

Lily: Jane, Cara: She's in the 4th grade!

Dan: Sorry to interrupt your "studies" with your "friend.

Cara: Well we can't all be monks like you.

Dan: And by the way, you're grounded.

Cara: Oh yeah? For how long?

Dan: For life.

Jane: Dad, come on.

Cara: Yeah, this is humiliating!

Dan: Alright, you're grounded for a month.

Cara: A month?! But that's worse than forever! Okay, dad, why?

Dan: You lied to me.

Cara: Well you can't handle the truth.

Dan: Maybe you should try me next time.

Cara: but but but but--

Dan: no no no no.

Cara: Okay, dad, I, I love Marty.

Dan: Oh please.

Cara: Dad, dad, dad! Stop, listen! I didn't know right away! It took me a while!

Dan: How long is a while?

Cara: Well, I, I, I've known him for three weeks but I knew in three days.

Dan: Three days?! You can't know in three days!

Cara: Yes you can!

Dan: No! No. But the feeling, it is not love. It is young--

Cara: But I love him dad!

Dan: --and reckless--

Cara: I love him I love him I love him!

Dan: --and not thought out--

Cara: I love him!

Dan: --and you may think it's love, but it's not!

Dan: Look, you're a fine driver, but the other hundred million--

Jane: If you never let me, I'll never learn.

Dan: But if I let you, you may not live.

Dan: Yes?

Marty: Very good column, sir. The last bit about curfew is very apt. May I also say that yesterday's column on boundary setting was excellent.

Dan: Who're you?

Marty: I'm Marty Burasco. Anyway, I would like to especially thank you for last friday's column. It really helped me understand my parents.

Dan: [laughs] Okay. Well, Marty, what else can I do for you?

Marty: I'd like to see your daughter, sir, if I could?

Dan: Ah. Jane!

Marty: Actually, I'm here for Cara.

Dan: Nice to meet you Marty, come back in two years.

Dan: So, the plan.

Jane: The plan! Hey Cara, Dad's about to reveal the plan!

Dan: I'll pack up the car and pick you up after school, and then we'll drive straight through.

Lily: Sounds good.

Cara: [slams fridge] Does not!

Dan: What now?

Cara: Well, wasn't like, the whole point to go to school? And now you're forcing us to miss school when we should like, be in school. Right, I mean what about my studies? Why are you smiling?

Dan: I just never thought I'd hear you say "what about my studies?" It makes me, like, smile.

Molly: Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now.

Cal: Yeah, that's fine honey, why don't you go do that.

Jacob: Yeah, can i come?

Molly: No.

Robbie: If you love her, then go get her back.

Cal: Wow, how old are you?

Kate: What do you want to do with me?

Cal: I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!

Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with.

Cal: Sexually?

Jacob: Yeah, no, I mean break-dance fighting.

Jacob: [looking at Cal's shoes; [Steve Jobs] Are you ]?

Cal: What?

Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?

Cal: No.

Jacob: Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

Jacob: [[w:Hugh Hefner|Hugh Hefner] The skin under your eyes is starting to look like ]'s ball sack.

Cal: [carefully looks at himself in the mirror and sighs] Yes, it is.

Cal: How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.

Emily: I want a divorce.

Cal: [at the same time] Creme brulee.

Cal: I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.