UHF (1989) - Quotes

George Newman: Wait a minute... I think I'm missing something here.

Harvey Bilchik: [lounging in his pool, answering his phone] YYYYO! Hey, Big Louie! So, what's up?

Big Louie: Bad news, Mr. Bilchik. None of your horses came in.

Harvey Bilchik: Aw, gee, too bad. So, what's the damages?

Big Louie: Seventy-five thousand dollars.

R.J. Fletcher: You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...

Stanley Spadowski: Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.

R.J. Fletcher: [chuckles] Might I call you Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Okay...

R.J. Fletcher: Stanley, YOU'RE FIRED!!

Stanley Spadowski: But I-I-I didn't --

R.J. Fletcher: GET OUT!!

George Newman: I need a drink.

Bob: But you don't drink.

George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

One of Fletcher's thugs: [Motioning towards George] Who is this guy?

George Newman: [As Stallone's Rambo] I'm your worst nightmare!

Announcer: [[w:The Mystery of Al Capone's Vaults|Al Capone's glove compartment] The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the secrets of ]!

George: Ah-ha! ROAD MAPS!!

George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah yeah. That was FUN.

George Newman: Great! How would you like to do that every day?

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat - WAIT A minute! Do I...still get to be the janitor?

George Newman: [Incredulously] Sure.

Stanley Spadowski: It's a DEAL!

R.J. Fletcher: Do you see anything missing from this desk?

Stanley Spadowski: [Snapping his finger and pointing] That stapler?

R.J. Fletcher: You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!

Richard Fletcher: No... but... I just thought --

R.J. Fletcher: [''snaps pencil in two''] You thought?! I don't pay you to think!

Richard Fletcher: But, Dad...

R.J. Fletcher: SHUT UP!

George Newman: Hey, Kuni!

Kuni: Hiya, George!

George Newman: Beginner's class today, huh?

Kuni: [A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement] Yeah! They're so stupid! STUPID!!!

Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.

George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.

Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.

Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!

Richard Fletcher: [sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh] Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!

Joe Earley: [after cutting off a finger with a table saw] Can you believe this?! Would you look at that! Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers"! I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.

Sy Greenblum: [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.

Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!

Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!

Philo: [unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect; folds paper back up] Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to... Secrets Of The Universe. Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.

Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"; Conan slices him in two!!] These books are a little overdue.

Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare.

Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!

Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!

Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.

Raul Hernandez: [Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it] This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this! Oh look! They're really mad now!

Raul Hernandez: [licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling] Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup. Look. It sticks.

R.J. Fletcher: [speaking to the crowd at the telethon] Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity...

R.J. Fletcher: [[A Face in the Crowd (film)|The broadcast which gets Channel 8 shut down by the FCC] (]) This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!! You think I CARE about the pea-brained yokels of this town?! If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first!! I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

R.J. Fletcher: This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!

Stanley Spadowski: Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww.

Stanley Spadowski: [pauses and considers; grabs box of Corn Flakes; rummages his hand in the box] This is pretty good watermelon......Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes. These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. Don't let your mom know that you do this.

Stanley Spadowski: [laughs; singing; Thugs push him into the closet] I'm thinkin of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. Ok, now I'm thinkin of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA DAA DAAAAA!! Don't you like Bonanza?!

Stanley Spadowski: Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a very, very, very lucky little boy. You know why? You get to drink from...THE FIRE HOOOOOSE!!!

Stanley Spadowski: [Grinning] This is my new mop. My friend George, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my old mop, I miss my old mop. But it's still a good mop. Sometimes, you gotta take what life gives you, cause life is like a mop. And sometimes, life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, but you've got to clean it out. You gotta put it in here and rinse it out and start all over again. And sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad a mop isn't good enough. It's not good enough. You gotta get down here with, like, a toothbrush or something, and really scrub, and if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work...you can't give up. You've got to run a window and yell, "HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE AS DIRTY AS HELL , AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

George Newman: WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!

George Newman: [Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!

George Newman: [almost tearfully] Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! Hope you ENJOY IT!!!

George Newman: [to Satan] Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!

George Newman: [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Oh, no. What time is it!? Seven THIRTY!?

George Newman: You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.

George Newman: [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan; Bobbo honks his horn weakly; He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!; cut to a revolted Bobbo; Bobbo looks ready to vomit; notices his mistake for the first time; Bobbo turns and ''glares'' at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"; a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."; We hear Bobbo vomiting] Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's... Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... ... With just a hint of cheese...!

George Newman: Sex with furniture, what do you think?

George Newman: Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!