Name: UHF
Genre: Comedy
Released: 1989-07-21
Duration: 97 min
Rating: 6.7
Cast: 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Kevin McCarthy, Michael Richards, David Bowe, Stanley Brock

UHF

Unlocking Secrets of Road Maps

Announcer The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the secrets of ]!

[[w:The Mystery of Al Capone's Vaults|Al Capone's glove compartment]

George Ah-ha! ROAD MAPS!!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Turtle's Unique Ability Explained

Raul Hernandez Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup. Look. It sticks.

[licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling]

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UHF

Contempt for Community and Exploitation of Power

R.J. Fletcher (]) This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!! You think I CARE about the pea-brained yokels of this town?! If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first!! I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

[[A Face in the Crowd (film)|The broadcast which gets Channel 8 shut down by the FCC]

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UHF

Absurdity in a Car Sales Promotion

Crazy Ernie If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!

Richard Fletcher Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!

[sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh]

Joe Earley Can you believe this?! Would you look at that! Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers"! I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.

[after cutting off a finger with a table saw]

Sy Greenblum Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.

[In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial]

Earl Ramsey Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!

Teri George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!

Philo Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to... Secrets Of The Universe. Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.

[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect; folds paper back up]

Young book customer These books are a little overdue.

[in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"; Conan slices him in two!!]

Gandhi Give me a steak, medium-rare.

Kuni (and other karate experts) SUH-PLIIEES!!

Noodles Macintosh Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!

[having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

A Hilarious Misunderstanding About Dog Treats

George Newman Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's... Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... ... With just a hint of cheese...!

[George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan; Bobbo honks his horn weakly; He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!; cut to a revolted Bobbo; Bobbo looks ready to vomit; notices his mistake for the first time; Bobbo turns and ''glares'' at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"; a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."; We hear Bobbo vomiting]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Unexpected Loss in Horse Betting

Harvey Bilchik YYYYO! Hey, Big Louie! So, what's up?

[lounging in his pool, answering his phone]

Big Louie Bad news, Mr. Bilchik. None of your horses came in.

Harvey Bilchik Aw, gee, too bad. So, what's the damages?

Big Louie Seventy-five thousand dollars.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

A Disparaging Exchange Between Two Characters

R.J. Fletcher You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...

Stanley Spadowski Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.

R.J. Fletcher Might I call you Stanley?

[chuckles]

Stanley Spadowski Okay...

[chuckles]

R.J. Fletcher Stanley, YOU'RE FIRED!!

Stanley Spadowski But I-I-I didn't --

R.J. Fletcher GET OUT!!

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UHF

Conflict Between Father and Son at Work

R.J. Fletcher You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!

Richard Fletcher No... but... I just thought --

R.J. Fletcher You thought?! I don't pay you to think!

[''snaps pencil in two'']

Richard Fletcher But, Dad...

R.J. Fletcher SHUT UP!

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UHF

Conflict Over Friendship and Money

Bob How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.

George Newman You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.

Bob George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Confrontation Between George Newman and Thug

One of Fletcher's thugs Who is this guy?

[Motioning towards George]

George Newman I'm your worst nightmare!

[As Stallone's Rambo]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Stanley's Snack Time Discovery and Excitement

Stanley Spadowski This is pretty good watermelon......Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes. These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. Don't let your mom know that you do this.

[pauses and considers; grabs box of Corn Flakes; rummages his hand in the box]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Teaching Poodles to Fly Today

Raul Hernandez For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Bizarre Town Talk Segment Announcement

George Newman Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!

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UHF

A Cartoon Reflection on Futility and Despair

George Newman Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! Hope you ENJOY IT!!!

[almost tearfully]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Moment of Realization in UHF

George Newman Wait a minute... I think I'm missing something here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Frustration in the Beginner's Class

George Newman Hey, Kuni!

Kuni Hiya, George!

George Newman Beginner's class today, huh?

Kuni Yeah! They're so stupid! STUPID!!!

[A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Colorful Thoughts and Nostalgic References

Stanley Spadowski I'm thinkin of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. Ok, now I'm thinkin of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA DAA DAAAAA!! Don't you like Bonanza?!

[laughs; singing; Thugs push him into the closet]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Seize Life with Determination and Passion

George Newman You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Censorship and Control in Media Discourse

R.J. Fletcher Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity...

[speaking to the crowd at the telethon]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Business Demands Responsibility, Not Irresponsibility

R.J. Fletcher This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

UHF

Missing Items on the Desk

R.J. Fletcher Do you see anything missing from this desk?

Stanley Spadowski That stapler?

[Snapping his finger and pointing]

UHF

The Fascinating World of Ants

Raul Hernandez This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this! Oh look! They're really mad now!

[Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it]

UHF

Celebrating Ownership of the Station

George Newman WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!

UHF

Panic Over Time in UHF

George Newman Oh, no. What time is it!? Seven THIRTY!?

[arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch]

UHF

Cautionary Words from Stanley Spadowski

Stanley Spadowski Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww.

UHF

Life Lessons Through a Mop

Stanley Spadowski This is my new mop. My friend George, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my old mop, I miss my old mop. But it's still a good mop. Sometimes, you gotta take what life gives you, cause life is like a mop. And sometimes, life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, but you've got to clean it out. You gotta put it in here and rinse it out and start all over again. And sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad a mop isn't good enough. It's not good enough. You gotta get down here with, like, a toothbrush or something, and really scrub, and if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work...you can't give up. You've got to run a window and yell, "HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE AS DIRTY AS HELL , AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

[Grinning]

UHF

Unconventional Thoughts on Furniture and Relationships

George Newman Sex with furniture, what do you think?

UHF

Desperation and Pleading for Forgiveness

George Newman Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!

[Message left on Teri's answering machine]

UHF

Finding Luck in Unexpected Places

Stanley Spadowski Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a very, very, very lucky little boy. You know why? You get to drink from...THE FIRE HOOOOOSE!!!

UHF

A Change in Drinking Habits

George Newman I need a drink.

Bob But you don't drink.

George Newman Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

UHF

Janitor Dreams of Daily Fun

George Newman Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski Yeah yeah. That was FUN.

George Newman Great! How would you like to do that every day?

Stanley Spadowski Yeah! That would be neat - WAIT A minute! Do I...still get to be the janitor?

George Newman Sure.

[Incredulously]

Stanley Spadowski It's a DEAL!

UHF

Frustration towards a foolish companion

George Newman Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!

[to Satan]

UHF Quotes