Will Ferrell Quotes

The Other Guys

Unexpected Threat in a Serious Situation

Detective Allen Gamble I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!

[while interrogating Ershon]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

A Neighborly Recognition Misunderstanding

Referee Where do I know you from?

Phil Weston I've been your neighbor for the seven years.

Referee No, that ain't it.

Phil Weston That's definitely it!

Referee I'll figure it out.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Winning Over Appreciation in Soccer

The Generals Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

[winning team, shouting]

Mike Ditka Hey! Shut up, ya little rats!

Phil Weston They're just showing their appreciation.

Mike Ditka Hey. forget the appreciation! I wanna win a soccer game!

[throws down his clipboard and walks off]

Parent Can I have this?

Phil Weston Sure.

Parent Alright!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Finding Your Way Back to Christmas Spirit

Santa Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life. That doesn't mean they can't find their way again, huh? Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit.

Buddy Well, uh, I... I'm good at that.

Santa I know you are.

Papa Elf And I'll... I'll always, uh, I'll always be here for you. Now, uh... Go... uh, get.

Buddy Bye, guys.

Arctic Puffin Bye, buddy. Take care.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Semi-Pro

Panic Ensues Over Bear in Coliseum

Jackie Moon Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Daddy's Home

The Meaning of Fatherhood and Family Love

Brad Whitaker Here's a question for you. What do kids need more, a father or a dad? What's the difference? The way I see it, darn near anyone can be a father... ...but not everyone has the patience or the devotion to be a dad. As for me, I've always wanted to be a dad. Let me tell you, I love it! Yeah! And I love my Ford Flex. It treats me to a smooth ride, and you know what? It didn't break the bank. Room enough for the whole family. Yes, I love being a dad. And I love these two adorable little rays of sunshine.

[narrating; video of copulating rhinos; driving; making sandwiches in the kitchen; Dylan and Megan walk in]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Buddy's Quest for Connection and Affection

Buddy Hey! What's your name? My name's Buddy. Oh...! Does someone need a hug? Aah, aah! That's not cool! I just wanted a hug!

[''Walking in a park and comes across [[w:raccoon|a raccoon; ''[[w:rabies|Raccoon hisses; ''He leans in and raccoon leaps onto his neck knocking him to the ground ferociously attacking'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Connecting Over Shared Interests

Jovie Are you enjoying the view?

Buddy You are very good at decorating that tree.

Jovie Why are you messing with me? Did Krumpet put you up to this?

Buddy I'm not messing with you. It's just nice to meet another human who shares my affinity for, elf culture.

Jovie I'm just trying to get through the holidays.

Buddy Get through? Christmas is the greatest day in the whole wide world!

Jovie Please stop talking to me.

Buddy Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol.

Jovie No way.

Buddy The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

Jovie Thanks, but I don't sing.

Buddy Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.

Jovie I can sing, I just choose not to sing. Especially in front of other people.

Buddy If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.

Jovie Actually, there's a BIG difference.

Buddy No... no... no, there isn't. Wait... I'm singing I'm in a store and I'm singing I'm in a store and I'm singing!

[''starts singing loud and off-key''; ''adeptly'']

Gimbel's Manager HEY! There's no singin in the North Pole!

Buddy Yes, there is!

Gimbel's Manager No, there's not.

Buddy We sing all the time!

Gimbel's Manager No, there's not!

Buddy Especially when we make toys! See?

[''To Jovie'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Affectionate Moment with Baxter

Ron Burgundy Yoo-hoo! Baxter! Papa's home. There he is. There's my little man. You're okay? O - Of course, I met a lady tonight. This one was different. I have to be honest. Quite different. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely! I - I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego. Wow. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole . . . wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? It's actually - I'm not even mad. That's amazing. I forgive you. What do you say we get you in your PJs and we hit the hay? Huh? Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on.

[to Baxter; clears throat; laughs; laughs again]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Career Aspirations and Unconventional Plans

Ricky Bobby I sent in my application to ], so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.

[[w:The Real World|The Real World]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Observation on Unusual Physical Traits

Ron Burgundy The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Future Weapon Confusion Among Friends

Ron Burgundy Brick, what the hell is that?

Brick Tamland It's a gun...from the future.

Wesley Jackson No fair, he has a gun from the future!

Ron Burgundy Where did you get it from?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Questioning Identity and Abilities

Ron Burgundy I'm not trying to be funny, but are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Daddy's Home

Step-King's Frustration with the King

Brad Whitaker The step-king has had enough of the king's BULLSHIT!

Dusty Mayron Brad said a bad word.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Other Guys

Skepticism About Movie Explosion Realism

Detective Allen Gamble How do they walk away in movies when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that. When they flew the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Melinda and Melinda

A Disturbing Conversation About Sleeping Pills

Melinda Uh I've been having a bad time so I just took some sleeping pills.

Hobie Sleeping pills? How many?

Melinda Uh... 28.

Susan Oh my God! Hobie, make some black coffee.

Melinda No, I'm allergic to coffee, but do you have any vodka?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

A Rushed Diagnosis and Concerned Friends

Physician Okay. What have we got here?

[''Walks into examination room of medical clinic'']

Walter Buddy, don't eat those.

[''Grabs Buddy's hand on third reach, and Buddy reveals the cotton balls in other hand in a magician's trick'']

Physician We got to really hurry up, Walter, because I'm double-booked for the rest of the afternoon.

Buddy Am I sick?

Walter Yeah, but that's not why we're here. We're here to do a test, come on.

Buddy What kind of test?

Walter It's just a test to find out if you're my son or not.

Buddy Why am I sitting on paper?

Physician Because it's sanitary for the other patients. Now, would you sit still so I can do the finger prick?

Buddy Finger prick! Oh...! It's cold.

[''Gasps'']

Physician Yeah, just please sit still, please?

Buddy Okay, can I listen to your necklace?

Physician No, you can't.

Walter Will you just sit still...?

Buddy Why is there a skeleton over there?

Physician I don't know. Walter, could you please...?

Buddy If I squint, it looks like ].

[[w:pirate flag|a pirate flag]

Physician Could you please have him sit still?

Buddy Does he have a name?

Walter No, he hasn't got a name. I'm sorry, Ben. I am sorry.

Physician I have a lot of sick patients waiting.

Walter Would you please hold still? Please.

Buddy He got mad at me.

Walter Yes, he did. He did. The sooner you sit still, the sooner we can get this mess over with.

Buddy Okay. Then can we eat sugar plums?

Walter You betcha. We'll eat sugar plums, make ], and we'll even ].

[[w:gingerbread house|gingerbread houses; [w:Easter eggs|paint eggs]

Buddy Well, painting eggs, that's Easter. Ow!

[''The doctor pricks his finger'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Teamwork and Support in Challenging Times

Ming Ming Hey, Foom Foom... I hate to do this to you, but you think you could help me pick up the slack on those ]

[[w:etch-a-sketches|etch-a-sketches?]

Foom Foom No problem. I appreciate it.

Ming Ming Buddy is killing me. I already got Lum Lum and Choo Choo pullin doubles.

Foom Foom That was quick thinking yesterday with that “special talents” thing.

Ming Ming I feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn't get wise.

Foom Foom Well, if he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.

Buddy I think they're too small.

[''In a flashback'']

Ming Ming You're just... special.

Pom Pom You don't look so good, Buddy. Are you okay?

[''In presence'']

Buddy I'll be okay, I just need a glass of water.

[''Buddy faints, falling on Pom Pom'']

Pom Pom Aah! Buddy...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Frustration with His Appearance

Ron Burgundy Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well, if you were a man, I would punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Unexpected Encounter in the Store

Gimbel's Manager Psst! Hey, come... come here!

[''Grunts and gestures to "come here"'']

Buddy Me?

[''Mystified'']

Gimbel's Manager Yes! What are you doing down here?! You're not supposed to be down here! You can shop on your break, you don't... come on, get upstairs!

[''grabs Buddy'']

Buddy Okay, I didn't know!

Gimbel's Manager Well You should know!

Buddy Are you mad at me?

Gimbel's Manager No.

Buddy Are you sure?

Gimbel's Manager Yes, I'm sure! Just do your job!

Buddy Okay, fair enough.

Buddy Wow! What's this?

[''Gasps'']

Gimbel's Manager This is the North Pole.

Buddy No, it's not.

Gimbel's Manager Yes, it is.

Buddy No, it's not.

Gimbel's Manager Yes, it is.

Buddy No, it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager Yes, it is.

Buddy No, it's not! Where's the snow?

[''smiles'']

Gimbel's Manager Why are you smiling like that?

Buddy I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite.

Gimbel's Manager Make work your favorite, okay?

[''pause'']

Buddy Okay.

Gimbel's Manager Work is your new favorite.

Buddy Fine.

Gimbel's Manager It's time for an announcement. Okay, people! Tomorrow morning, 10 am, Santa's comin to town!

[''To the employees'']

Buddy SANTA! OH, MY GOD! Santa, here? I KNOW HIM!

[''Excitedly, to the manager'']

Gimbel's Manager He'll be here to take pictures with all of the children. 10 am tomorrow.

Buddy 10 am tomorrow!

Gimbel's Manager Santa's comin to town.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Ron Burgundy's Memorable Exclamation

Ron Burgundy By the hymen of ]!

[[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Ricky Bobby Promotes Maypax Tampons at NASCAR

Ricky Bobby Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

A Conversation Between Buddy and Papa Elf

Papa Elf Buddy, are you okay?

Buddy I'm sorry, Papa. I just need some alone time.

Papa Elf Buddy, I... I think we... we have to talk. Buddy, uh, I think there's something I... I probably should tell you. You probably should have found out a long... A long time ago.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Quirky Exclamation

Ron Burgundy By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Stranger Than Fiction

An Unexpected Gift of Flours

Harold Crick I brought you flours.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Mispronunciation of San Diego Explained

Ron Burgundy It's pronounced Sawn Dee-Ayy-Go.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Semi-Pro

Embracing a Tropical Vibe

Jackie Moon Let's get Tropical!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Shipping Decisions in a Business Context

Client So, you really think we should ship em?

Walter No, I think we should take a $30,000 bath so some kid can understand what happened? To a puppy and a frigging pigeon? Ship em. Yeah.

[''Phone rings'']

Secretary Deb Mr. Hobbs? It's me on the intercom.

Walter Go ahead.

Secretary Deb Yeah, I think some one sent you a Christmas-gram.

[Buddy bursts into office]

Buddy Dad!

Walter All right, uh, let's get it Over with.

[''Chuckles'']

Buddy I walked all day and night to find you.

Walter Uh, you look like you came from the North Pole.

[''Chuckles'']

Buddy That's exactly where I came from. Santa must've called you!

Walter Oh, yeah, sure, he, uh... Just got off the cell phone with me.

Buddy You did?!

Walter So, go on. Go on with what? Well, are... are you gonna sing a song or something, or can I just go back to work?

Buddy A song? Uh... yeah. Anything for you, Dad, uh... I... I'm, I'm here with my dad and we never met and he wants me to sing him a song and, um, I was adopted but you didn't know I was born. So, I'm here now, I found you, Daddy and, guess what? I love you, I love you I love you!

Walter Wow, that was weird. You know, usually you guys just uh, you know, Put my name into jingle bells or something.

Buddy It's me, your son. Susan Wells had me, and... And she didn't tell you, and, and, and, but now I'm here... It's me buddy. Susan Wells.

Walter Uh, you said Susan Wells?

Buddy Yes.

Walter Who sent this Christmas-gram?

Buddy What's a Christmas-gram? I want one.

Walter I think we should call security.

[''Whispers'']

Secretary Deb Good idea.

Buddy I like to whisper, too. It's okay, Walter's my father.

[''Leans in as well'']

Security Officer Well, your dad's busy right now.

Buddy Okay, I'll come back later.

Security Officer Yeah, you know, you're not gonna come back for a while, okay? You're gonna go back to Santa Land.

Buddy Okay.

Security Officer Yeah, why don't you go back to ]?

[[w:Gimbels|Gimbels]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Step Brothers

Drumming with Unconventional Techniques

Brennan Huff (Banging Dale's snare drum with his scrotum) ]'s playing ] for real!

[[w: John Bonham|John Bonham; [w:Moby_Dick_(song)|Moby Dick]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Celebrating a Coffee Shop Achievement

Buddy ] in New York and notices sign saying "WORLD"S BEST CUP OF COFFEE" and then bursts into the shop] You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to meet you!

[''Walks by [[w:coffee shop|coffee shop; The shop staff and patrons just stare indifferently'']

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Buddy Learns About His Father's Workplace

Buddy My dad works there?

Papa Elf ].

[[w:Empire state building|Empire State Building]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Semi-Pro

Call for Action in Chaos

Jackie Moon SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Misunderstandings and Friendships in a Coffee Shop

Phil Weston What is wrong with you, Derek? I thought we were friends!

[being kicked out of Beantown]

Beantown cashier My name is Andy!

Phil Weston Your name is liar because you're telling lies! You know what the odds are I'll never come back here again? There's a good chance at that!

Beantown barista That's a chance we'll have to take.

Phil Weston Okay, if that's how you wanna play it.

Beantown cashier Okay.

Phil Weston I am disappointed!

[leaves]

Beantown barista Good!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Affection for Scotch

Ron Burgundy Mm, I love scotch. I love Scotch. Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Daddy's Home 2

Thermostat Tension Among Family Members

Kurt Did you touch the thermostat, did you turn it up?

Don Well, of course not... did somebody fiddle with the thermostat?

Kurt Yes, it's 85°!

Don 85?

Kurt 85!

Don Do you have any idea how much even a few degrees can impact the gas bill?

Kurt Of course, I do, it's unthinkable!

Brad Dad, Kurt, what's going on in here? Why is it so hot?

[walks in]

Don Somebody fiddled with the thermostat!

Brad What? Who would do that?

Kurt What do you think you're doing?

[they hear a noise and look out in the hallway. Adrianna walks to the thermostat and starts to turn it up]

Brad It's roasting in here!

Adrianna I like to sleep with my window open.

[matter-of-factly]

Kurt Hey, kid, are you allowed to touch the thermostat at your mom's house?

Adrianna Pfft, duh!

Dusty What is going on?

[joins the others in the hallway]

Brad Adrianna, she turned up the thermostat!

Kurt Said she fiddles with the thermostat at your house any time she damn well pleases.

Don Dusty, is that true? Tell me that's not true! Oh, criminy, Dusty. You might as well give her your wallet and your 401k while you're at it!

[Dusty, speechless, just sighs]

Kurt Brad, do you let the kids touch the thermostat at your house?

Brad What, no! The thermostat is a sacred covenant! I can't believe we're even talking about this! This is *madness*!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Stranger Than Fiction

Questioning the Source of a Remark

Harold Crick Alright, who just said "Harold just counted brush strokes"?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Semi-Pro

Panic Amidst a Bear-filled Crisis

Jackie Moon EVERYBODY PANIC! IT'S JUST LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT IT'S FULL OF BEARS!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

The Influence of Fatherhood on Identity

Phil Weston I was born a baby, a blank slate, thinking I was in control of my own destiny. And then I met my father.

Buck Weston You better be good at this stuff.

[offscreen]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dick

Unexpected Revelations about Deep Throat's Identity

Bob Woodward You're Deep Throat?

Arlene Lorenzo Yeah.

Betsy Jobs We both are.

Bob Woodward How old are you?

Betsy Jobs 23.

Bob Woodward Is that your combined ages?

Betsy Jobs Ugh, there's no need to be snotty!

[takes off her sunglasses]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Child's Discomfort with Tooth Fairy's Appearance

Ron Burgundy The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast made the child uncomfortable.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Childish Taunts and Playful Rivalry

Phil Weston Hey, if it isn't "fart-faced" Jones. What's up, farty pants? Bring it on! You can have the first punch right here. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin but a fart-faced kid.

Phil Weston Get him off me!

[shouts]

Buck Atta boy, Logan!

[watching from across the field]

Phil Weston That's like the little jackal from Hell!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Other Guys

Gator's Demands in a Tense Moment

Detective Allen Gamble Gator needs his gat, you punk-ass BITCH!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Semi-Pro

Discovery of Fondue's Unique Flavor

Lou Redwood Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible!

[about the fondue he just ate]

Jackie Moon It's called fondue.

Lou Redwood Fon-what?

Jackie Moon Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.

Bobby Dee It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.

Dick Pepperfield Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive.

[others makes noises of agreement]

Bobby Dee They are my favorite producers of pornography.

Jackie Moon They do make an excellent fuck picture!

Dick Pepperfield Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.

Jackie Moon To the men's room.

Dick Pepperfield Oh, stop it.

Jackie Moon To make your wiener sing...boner machine.

[others are laughing]

Dick Pepperfield I am not a boner machine!

Lou Redwood Swedish porn saved my life in Nam. Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.

[others groan]

Bobby Dee Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war.

[others laugh]

Cornelius Banks You were never in Nam, you jive turkey.

[laughter stops]

Lou Redwood Did you just call me a jive turkey?

[coldly; Cornelius shakes his head]

Jackie Moon No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?

Cornelius Banks Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!

Lou Redwood Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.

Dick Pepperfield No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.

Lou Redwood Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!

Jackie Moon Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?

Bobby Dee He just said you suck cock!

Dick Pepperfield That's all he said about you!

Jackie Moon Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker.

[others laugh]

Lou Redwood We like playing games, don't we?

[laughing]

Jackie Moon It's true, we're playing one right now.

Lou Redwood I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin Nam! Who's the jive turkey now? Gun's not loaded!

[draws a gun and points it at Cornelius; bursts out laughing; all laugh]

Jackie Moon It's not loaded!

Lou Redwood You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!

Cornelius Banks The gun was not loaded!

Jackie Moon I'll see you fuckers in hell.

[puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]

Bobby Dee Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.

[aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]

Cornelius Banks I did call you jive turkey.

[aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]

Dick Pepperfield I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! Rrragh!

[playfully, pointing gun at Lou; pulls trigger]

Lou Redwood We're saying nutty things cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.

[laughing]

Jackie Moon Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh?

[rests gun on forearm]

Dick Pepperfield How do you like your martinis, sir?

Jackie Moon Stirred, in a half carafe.

[aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]

Cornelius Banks He shoots himself!

Jackie Moon He shoots himself in the wiener!

[tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Campaign

A Provocative Ultimatum in Personal Conflict

Cam Brady You get my son to call you daddy, I fuck your wife!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Melinda and Melinda

Unexpected Discoveries and Light Banter

Hobie It's funny, a grown woman outside a door listening in.

Melinda Oh, by the way, I found a scrap of your pajamas in my door.

Hobie Oh...really? You found that. I'll have to tell my laundress.

[sheepishly]

Melinda You don't have a laundress.

Hobie Well, marry me, and we'll get a laundress.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

News Crew Engages in Comedic Banter

BBC Anchor Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wanker-man Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the ] News Service!

[[w:BBC|BBC; BBC news team shouts]

Ron Burgundy Oh, not now!

Jack Lime Fall back, fall back.

[To his news team]

Wesley Jackson If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the ] news crew want in!

[[w:MTV|MTV]

Brian Fantana What's "MTV"?

Ron Burgundy I think it's a venereal disease.

Wesley Jackson The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"!

[MTV news team shouts]

Jill Jansen It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...

Wendy Van Peel And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.

BBC Anchor Entertainment News is an abomination!

Wendy Van Peel Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!

Jill Jansen Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!

Brian Fantana I like how they're put together.

Champ Kind I like fighting girls.

Jill Jansen I like to cunt-punt cowboys.

Wendy Van Peel You eat pussy?

Jill Jansen You're gonna.

Scott Riles HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team.

[Canada News Team shouts]

Quebec News Anchor What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!

Scott Riles Give it a rest, eh?

Champ Kind Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!

Scott Riles We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.

Quebec News Anchor Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!

Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor Sorry!

Brick Tamland ...I like ]!

[[w:Canada Dry|your ginger ale]

Jeff Bullington Jeff Bullington, ], all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!

[[w:ESPN|ESPN]

Brian Fantana Holy shit, there's a lot of news!

Ron Burgundy It's true, the market has become saturated.

History Network Host Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later!

[History Network team shouts]

Ron Burgundy Wait a minute, is that the ghost of ] with you?

[[w:Stonewall Jackson|Stonewall Jackson]

History Network Host Yes, it is. And the mighty ]!

[[w:Minotaur|minotaur]

Jack Lime Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!

Ron Burgundy Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Ghost of Stonewall Jackson May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

Mack Tannen You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Ron Burgundy Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!

Mack Tannen Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!

Champ Kind He's on our side, right Ron?

Ron Burgundy He's a were-hyena!

Wesley Jackson I'm gonna call ], I got a ]!

[[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson; [w:Michael Jackson's Thriller|video idea]

Ron Burgundy Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!

Jill Jansen I'm so horny right now.

[Quietly]

Ron Burgundy Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!

Scott Riles C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?

Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor Sorry.

Ron Burgundy When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!

El Trousias I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song!

[Blows her horn]

Jeff Bullington El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!

El Trousias ...That means you can start.

[Finishes blowing her horn]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Jacket Jokes and Advice in Tension

Ann Hogan Ease up on him!

[after Phil reprimands Byong Sun for missing the net on a kick]

Phil Weston You ease up on that corduroy jacket of yours!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Dream Wedding Vision

Ron Burgundy I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance til the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Understanding Shyness Through Literature

Ann Hogan Byong Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.

Phil Weston My Child is Shy". Thanks. I'm sorry, who's your son?

[reading title; pause]

Donna Jones Byong Sun.

Phil Weston Oh, I see. Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

[pause; realizing they are lesbians]

Ann Hogan We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.

Phil Weston No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.

Ambrose's Dad Oh, so they're better?

Phil Weston No, they're different.

Donna Jones What do you mean "different"?

Phil Weston I mean, you're different because you're better.

Ambrose's Dad How are they better?

Phil Weston You're both better different... in a different but better way!

Ann Hogan Uh.. okay.

[she and Donna walk away]

Ambrose's Dad It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Passion for the Game in Tough Times

Phil Weston Ambrose

Ambrose Yeah?

Phil Weston I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

Ambrose I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.

Phil Weston LIAR! Jack!

Jack What?

Phil Who are supposed to pass the ball to?

Jack The Italians.

Phil Right! Alex, when?

Alex When I come in contact with the ball.

Phil The instant you come in contact with the ball! That's our strategy, it's one of the many plays we've worked out.

Mark Avery It's the only play we've worked out.

Phil How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

Mark Coach I'm just--

Phil Coach I'm just trying to nuh! Nuh!

[mocking him]

Sam You gotta lighten up.

Phil He started it!

[referring to Mark]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Confusion Over Fruit Spray in the Office

Department samplist administer Passion fruit spray?

Buddy Fruit spray? Sure.

[''He sprays it in his mouth and then starts crying in pain'']

Department samplist ạdmịṇịster Sorry.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Campaign

Statistical Perspective on Phone Calls

Cam Brady In my lifetime, I have made over 100,000 phone calls, and maybe 1,000 of them were obscene. That's a very small percentage!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Ron Burgundy's Ignorance of NBA Players

Ron Burgundy Who the hell is ]? You know I don't follow the NBA!

[[Julius Caesar]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

A Conversation Between Jovie and Buddy

Jovie Hey, you.

Buddy Me?

Jovie Come here. I wanna talk to you.

Buddy What do you wanna talk to me about?

Jovie How come you were in the women's locker room this morning?

Buddy I heard you singing.

Jovie You sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked and in the shower?

Buddy I didn't know you were naked. Why were you here so early?

Jovie They shut my water off. What were you doing here so early?

Buddy Building this.

Jovie You built this? They're kinda pissed about this.

Buddy Really?

Gimbel's Manager Hey, guys. Have you seen the place? It's pretty good. It's a little "too good". Corporate must have sent in a professional. I don't know why somebody's gunning for my job. But look, let's remain a team, okay? Cause if I go, we all go. If you get wind of anything, call me on my radio. Channel three. Code word is "Santa's got a brand new bag." Okay? Six inch ribbon curls, honey.

[''Ạpproạċhes''; ''To Jovie'']

Jovie But that's impossible.

[''Rolls her eyes'']

Gimbel's Manager SIX... inches!

[''Interrupting''; ''Storms away'']

Buddy By the way, you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole wide world.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Stranger Than Fiction

Struggling with an Unwanted Inner Voice

Harold Crick SHUT UP! No I'm not. I'm cursing you stupid voice; so shut up and leave me alone!

[narrator continues]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Semi-Pro

Jackie Moon's Aggressive Ultimatum

Jackie Moon SUCK MY COCK, I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Desperate Plea for Help and Guidance

Ricky Bobby Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

[running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Elf

Unexpected Conversations in an Elevator

Buddy Sorry I can't ride with you the rest of the way up, but this is where my dad works.

Elevator rider Well, have a good day.

Buddy Oh, I forgot to give you a hug.

[''elevator door closes'']

Secretary Deb Oh, I don't know, Connie, I've never declawed kittens before. How many? Eight? I don't know if I'm gonna have time. Well, all right, just bring em by the camper this week, and I'll see what I can do. I'm not gonna charge you. Just bring em by, and I'll see what I can do. Bye.

Buddy Excuse me. I'm here to see a Walter Hobbs. I'm Buddy the Elf.

[''to Deb'']

Secretary Deb You look hilarious. Who sent you?

[''Laughs'']

Buddy Papa Elf.

Secretary Deb Papa Elf?!

Buddy Mm-hmm. From the North Pole.

Secretary Deb From the North Pole?!

Buddy Yes.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Daddy's Home

Treehouse Construction and Misunderstood Tools

Brad Whitaker You built all this today? With my tools?

Dusty Mayron Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse with a tampon, Brad.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Zoolander

Questioning the Purpose of Scale

Derek Zoolander What is this? A center for ants?

[smashes the model for the reading center]

Mugatu What?

Derek Zoolander How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu Derek, this is just a small...

Derek Zoolander I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Mugatu He's absolutely right you know.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Juice Box Dispute Among Coaches

Mike Ditka Hey, Phil, I-I-I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.

Phil Weston You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin in when I'm talkin to my team. You're my assistant, okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juice boxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juice box.

Mike Ditka YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN TO?

Phil Weston I'm talkin to the juice box guy.

Mike Ditka You're crazy!

Phil Weston I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.

Mike Ditka WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL?!

Phil Weston No, you go to Hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juice box?!

Mike Ditka I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

Phil Weston Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka No, I'm not!

Phil Weston Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka No, I'm not!

Phil Weston Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka No, I'm not! You're like your old man!

Phil Weston I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!

Mike Ditka If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!

Phil Weston I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!

Mike Ditka I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye!

[walks back to the parking lot]

Phil Weston I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to Juice Box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves!

[The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Kicking & Screaming

Authority and Accountability in a Soccer Game

Byong Sun Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

Referee You little... give it back!

[chasing him]

Phil Weston Sorry about that.

[grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back]

Bald Soccer Dad How much do you think those are?

Phil Weston I have no idea.

Semi-Pro

A Frustrated Expression of Discomfort

Jackie Moon It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!

Step Brothers

Confronting Unexpected Life Changes

Brennan Huff (In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?

Land of the Lost

Personal Responsibility and Truth in Adversity

Dr. Rick Marshall Because if you don't make it, it's your own damn vault. That's a bitch-slap of truth right there.

Step Brothers

Brennan's Unconventional Neighborhood Introduction

Brennan Huff (Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?

Elf

A Brief Encounter Among Friends

Arctic Puffin Hey, buddy, wanna pick some ]?

[[w:Symphoricarpos|snow berries]

Buddy Not now, Arctic Puffin.

Leon Hello, Buddy.

Buddy Oh... hi, Leon.

Leon Why the long face, partner?

Leon Course you're not. You're 6'3" and had a beard since you were 15.

Buddy Papa says my real father lives in a magical place far away. I don't know what to do.

Leon At least you have a daddy. I was just rolled up one day and left out here in the cold.

Buddy Thing is, I've never even left the ].

[[North Pole]

Leon Buddy, I've been around the world many times when I was a young cumulonimbus cloud. It's a wonderful place, filled with wondrous creatures... Except dogs. Oh, by the way, don't eat the yellow snow.

Buddy Oh, I know that.

Leon All I'm saying is this might be the golden opportunity to find out who you really are.

Drowning Mona

Indifference Towards a Tragic Death

Chief Wyatt Rash Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?

Cubby You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Chief Wyatt Rash Along those lines.

Cubby Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Melinda and Melinda

Political Labels and Personal Preferences

Hobie I think it'd be only fair to tell you. I'm a Liberal.

Stacey Oh. Are you talking politically, or in the bedroom?

Hobie I was talking politically. In the bedroom I'm a left-wing Liberal.

Elf

Challenges of Being Human in Elf Society

Papa Elf As much as, uh, Buddy was accepted by his family and friends, there were a few drawbacks to being, uh, a human in, uh an elf's world.

Buddy Hey, Ming Ming. Um... I'm gonna be a little bit short on today's quota.

Ming Ming It's all right, Buddy. Just how many Etch-a-Sketches did you get finished? Come on, Buddy. How many?

Buddy I made, uh... 85.

[''All the elves stop and stare'']

Ming Ming Eighty-five? That puts you... 915 off the pace.

Female elf Ooh... that's bad.

Buddy Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy maker in the world. I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

[''All the elves gasps'']

Ming Ming No, Buddy, you're not a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. We all just have different talents, that's all.

Buddy Seems like everyone else have the same talents except for me.

Ming Ming You... you have, you have lots of talents, uh... special talents in fact, like um, uh...

Buddy Special talents?

Female elf in blue You changed the batteries in the smoke detector.

Male elf in yellow You sure did... triple-As. And in six months, you'll have to check em again... Won't he?

Male elf in red And you're the only baritone in the elf choir. You bring us down whole octave.

Male elf in orange In a good way.

Ming Ming See, Buddy? You're not a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. You're just... special.

Papa Elf And so, Buddy was sent where the... the special elves work.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Unexpected Comparison in a Humorous Moment

Ricky Bobby Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin up ]'s skirt!

[Looking under the hood of his race car; [w:Yasmine Bleeth|Yasmine Bleeth]

Semi-Pro

Divine Motivation and Threatening Resolve

Jackie Moon Heaven wants us to win this game! I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

A Tense Exchange of Secrets and Defiance

Austin Who sent you?!

Mustafa You'll have to kill me.

Austin Who sent you?!

Mustafa Kiss my ass, Powers!

Austin Who sent you?!

Mustafa Dr. Evil!

Felicity That was easy.

Austin That was easy.

Felicity Why did you tell us?

Mustafa I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.

Austin Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Austin Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.

Austin Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!

[quickly]

Mustafa Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.

Austin Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa I spit at the question.

[spits]

Austin Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?

Mustafa Go to hell, Powers.

Austin Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret...volcano...lair?

[slowly]

Mustafa I will take it to the grave with me.

Felicity Aha! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.

Mustafa No, no, no! No. The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?". So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Austin He's right.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Unexpected Foot Rub from Andre the Giant

Ron Burgundy Andre the Giant gave a surprising nimble foot rub.

Melinda and Melinda

Communication Struggles in a Relationship

Hobie We used to make love all the time and now, there's always an excuse.

Susan I told you, I'm going through an emotionally difficult time creatively.

Hobie You feel like we don't communicate anymore?

Susan Of course we communicate. Now can we not talk about it anymore?

Step Brothers

Acceptance of Imperfection in Holiday Spirit

Brennan Huff (On Christmas Day, regarding his Chewbacca mask) It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Ricky Bobby's Excitement About Racing Experience

Ricky Bobby Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M GETTIN TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!

[driving his first race]

Elf

Training for Santa's Sleigh Mechanics

Papa Elf Well, I think it's time you start your tinker training.

Buddy Santa's sleigh.

[''He pokes head in sleigh garage and gasps'']

Papa Elf You're gonna help me make it fly.

Buddy I thought the magical reindeer made The sleighs fly.

Papa Elf And where do the reindeer get their magic from?

Buddy ]. Everybody knows that.

[[w:Christmas spirit|Christmas spirit]

Papa Elf Well, silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus.

Buddy What?! Well, who do they think puts all their toys under the tree?

Papa Elf Well, there's a rumor floating around that, uh, that the parents do it.

Buddy That's... that's ridiculous. I mean, parents couldn't do that all in one night. What about Santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat them, too?

Papa Elf Yeah, I, uh, I... I know, uh, and every year less and less people believe in Santa Claus. I mean, we have a real energy crisis on our hands.

Buddy Oh.

Papa Elf I mean, just see how low the, uh Claus meter is.

Buddy That's shocking.

Papa Elf That's why I came up with this little beauty in ].

[[w:1960s|the '60s; ''Turns over sleigh engine'']

Buddy Wh- what is it?

Papa Elf It's a Kringle 3000... A 500-reindeer power jet turbine engine. Without it, the sleigh couldn't get more than, uh, a few feet off the ground. Well, it looks like we got a short in the thermo coupler. You wanna give me a hand with that? You want me to help?

Kicking & Screaming

Family Gathering with Humor and Banter

Janice Weston Hi, you guys!

Barbara Weston Hi! Hi, Buck.

[hugs Janice; she kisses him]

Buck Weston Hey, look who's here! Two of favorite people and Phil!

Phil Weston Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

Elf

A Son's Unexpected Reunion with His Father

Buddy Dad! I knew that you'd come, I love you for coming. Officer Tom, this is my Dad. This is Walter... he came. He bailed me out. They gave me one phone call. And I said," I know who I'm gonna call... Walter Hobbs. And sure enough, you showed up. You did, they said you weren't gonna show up. They told me so many times...

[''repeats'']

Walter Shh. Just who the heck are you, and what is your problem?

Buddy I'm Buddy. I'm your son.

Walter Wait, um... Tell me, tell me, tell me, uh... Where did you get this picture?

Buddy Papa Elf gave it to me.

Walter Listen... is this some kind a game? What do you want, some money?

[''Grabs Buddy and violently pins him to the wall'']

Buddy No! I just wanted to meet you, And I thought you might wanna meet me.

Walter Who wouldn't wanna meet you?

Buddy I thought maybe we could make gingerbread houses, eat cookie dough, go ice skating, and... and maybe even hold hands.

Walter Uh-huh. Come with me.

Buddy Okay.

Melinda and Melinda

Skepticism About Medical Advice and Treatment

Walt Maybe you should go back to your shrink. Discuss it.

Hobie He just recommended Prozac. I think he has stock in the company, honestly.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Sign-Off to San Diego

Ron Burgundy For all of us here at News Center Four, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Astrological Appeal in Unlikely Comparisons

Ron Burgundy If you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are gonna want to follow it.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Winning is Essential for Love and Acceptance

Ricky Bobby You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at ]. Legendary coach. Look at ]. Look at ]. From ]. Three people, all great champions, all loved.

[[w:Don Shula|Don Shula; [w:Takeru Kobayashi|that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row; [w:Rue McClanahan|Rue McClanahan; [w:The Golden Girls|The Golden Girls]

Kicking & Screaming

Soccer Lessons and Household Rules

Phil Weston Got you a gift. Soccer Dan instructional DVD. We're gonna keep learning as we go. This is where we're really gonna hone our skills. This will take us to the next level. Study it. Watch it. I only watched it ], I already learned this, it's called "Up and Over". You can learn things like, maybe back over here! Fakes left, fakes right, he shoots!

[passing out DVDs; [Shrek 2|for 5 minutes; he shows them this new kick; nearly wrecking the fireplace]

Barbara Weston What is going on in there? Guys, I said no playing soccer in the house.

[Phil hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery]

Phil Weston You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston Who did that?

Phil Weston He did.

[pointing to Mark]

The Tigers HE DID!

Phil Weston What? Nut'uh!

Hunter Kill Phil!

[the kids start attacking Phil]

Melinda and Melinda

Reflecting on a Unique Performance Experience

Hobie Did I tell you I played Uncle Vanya once? With a limp. It was interesting.

The Campaign

Humorous Comparison of Moms and Washing Machines

Cam Brady You know the difference between your mom and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow me around after I dump a load in it.

Step Brothers

Self-Reflection During a Performance

Brennan Huff (After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.

Daddy's Home 2

Masculinity and Piracy in Daddy's Home 2

Kurt His total lack of masculinity, I mean his weak chin and soft underbelly bothers you not a bit?

[to Dusty, referring to Brad]

Brad You know, I'm just getting the feeling maybe you guys would like some piracy.

[after camera zooms out, to show him sitting in a chair next to Kurt and Dusty]

Stranger Than Fiction

Feeling Trapped in a Tragic Narrative

Harold Crick This may sound like gibberish, but I think I'm in a tragedy.

Step Brothers

Sleep-Talking Threat from Brennan Huff

Brennan Huff (Sleep-talking) I'll kill you, ].

[[w: Leonard Nimoy|Leonard Nimoy]

The Other Guys

A Ballet of Emotion and Feelings

Detective Allen Gamble I think we all experienced our own ballet today. A ballet of emotion, and feelings.

[in a ballet school]

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Humorous Exclamation

Ron Burgundy Knights of Columbus that hurt!

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Loneliness Drives Unusual Companionship Choices

Ron Burgundy I'm so lonely, I paid a hobo to spoon with me.

Melinda and Melinda

A Humorous Exchange About Carsickness

Susan You look a little carsick.

Hobie Why, cause I'm the color of guacamole?

Zoolander

Conflict Over Derek Zoolander's Modeling Career

Maury For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!

Mugatu Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!

[interrupting Maury; To the Malaysian Prime Minister; Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia]

Derek Zoolander One look? One look?! I don't think so!

[Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp]

Hansel There it is!

Todd MAGNUM!

Larry Zoolander Holy moley!

[Watching on TV]

Maury Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!

Mugatu Dear God...it's beautiful!

[The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop]

Land of the Lost

Humorous Reference to Captain Kirk

Dr. Rick Marshall Captain Kirk's nipples!

Melinda and Melinda

The Value of Belonging in Social Circles

Susan I wish we could afford a place in the Hamptons. Everybody who's anybody has one.

Hobie Yeah, but if you're somebody who's nobody, it's no fun to be around anybody who's everybody.

Elf

Santa Reassures Buddy About New York Journey

Santa So, I hear you're going on a little journey to the big city.

Buddy Yup. Ahh. I'm kind a nervous. Leon says New York is pretty different.

[''Santa chuckles'']

Santa Oh, don't pay attention to Leon. He's never been anywhere. He doesn't have any feet. I've been to New York thousands of times.

Buddy Really?

Santa Mm-hmm.

Buddy What's it like?

Santa Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, Leave it there. It's not free candy.

Buddy Oh.

Santa Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original, but the real one's on the ]. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show," that doesn't mean that They're letting you look at presents before Christmas.

[[w:Eleventh Avenue (Manhattan)|11th]

Buddy Can't wait to see my dad... we're gonna go ice skating and... and eat sugar plums.

Santa Yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know, Buddy... your father... well... he's on the Naughty List.

[''sighs'']

Buddy NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[''Face comes absolutely aghast''; ''Camera races to highlight of Walter Hobbs on the "naughty" page of Santa's book'']

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy's Humorous Take on Heat

Ron Burgundy It's so damn hot . . . milk was a bad choice!

Memorable Quotes from Will Ferrell