Will FerrellQuotes

Kurt: Did you touch the thermostat, did you turn it up?

Don: Well, of course not... did somebody fiddle with the thermostat?

Kurt: Yes, it's 85°!

Don: 85?

Kurt: 85!

Don: Do you have any idea how much even a few degrees can impact the gas bill?

Kurt: Of course, I do, it's unthinkable!

Brad: [walks in] Dad, Kurt, what's going on in here? Why is it so hot?

Don: Somebody fiddled with the thermostat!

Brad: What? Who would do that?

Kurt: [they hear a noise and look out in the hallway. Adrianna walks to the thermostat and starts to turn it up] What do you think you're doing?

Brad: It's roasting in here!

Adrianna: [matter-of-factly] I like to sleep with my window open.

Kurt: Hey, kid, are you allowed to touch the thermostat at your mom's house?

Adrianna: Pfft, duh!

Dusty: [joins the others in the hallway] What is going on?

Brad: Adrianna, she turned up the thermostat!

Kurt: Said she fiddles with the thermostat at your house any time she damn well pleases.

Don: [Dusty, speechless, just sighs] Dusty, is that true? Tell me that's not true! Oh, criminy, Dusty. You might as well give her your wallet and your 401k while you're at it!

Kurt: Brad, do you let the kids touch the thermostat at your house?

Brad: What, no! The thermostat is a sacred covenant! I can't believe we're even talking about this! This is *madness*!

Kurt: [to Dusty, referring to Brad] His total lack of masculinity, I mean his weak chin and soft underbelly bothers you not a bit?

Brad: [after camera zooms out, to show him sitting in a chair next to Kurt and Dusty] You know, I'm just getting the feeling maybe you guys would like some piracy.

Hobie: It's funny, a grown woman outside a door listening in.

Melinda: Oh, by the way, I found a scrap of your pajamas in my door.

Hobie: [sheepishly] Oh...really? You found that. I'll have to tell my laundress.

Melinda: You don't have a laundress.

Hobie: Well, marry me, and we'll get a laundress.

Hobie: I think it'd be only fair to tell you. I'm a Liberal.

Stacey: Oh. Are you talking politically, or in the bedroom?

Hobie: I was talking politically. In the bedroom I'm a left-wing Liberal.

Walt: Maybe you should go back to your shrink. Discuss it.

Hobie: He just recommended Prozac. I think he has stock in the company, honestly.

Hobie: We used to make love all the time and now, there's always an excuse.

Susan: I told you, I'm going through an emotionally difficult time creatively.

Hobie: You feel like we don't communicate anymore?

Susan: Of course we communicate. Now can we not talk about it anymore?

Susan: I wish we could afford a place in the Hamptons. Everybody who's anybody has one.

Hobie: Yeah, but if you're somebody who's nobody, it's no fun to be around anybody who's everybody.

Susan: You look a little carsick.

Hobie: Why, cause I'm the color of guacamole?

Melinda: Uh I've been having a bad time so I just took some sleeping pills.

Hobie: Sleeping pills? How many?

Melinda: Uh... 28.

Susan: Oh my God! Hobie, make some black coffee.

Melinda: No, I'm allergic to coffee, but do you have any vodka?

Hobie: Excuse the mess. My cleaning woman just won $60 million, so I gave her the night off.

Hobie: Did I tell you I played Uncle Vanya once? With a limp. It was interesting.

Hobie: [[King Lear] They still talk about my portrayal of ]. I played it with a limp.

Bob Woodward: You're Deep Throat?

Arlene Lorenzo: Yeah.

Betsy Jobs: We both are.

Bob Woodward: How old are you?

Betsy Jobs: 23.

Bob Woodward: Is that your combined ages?

Betsy Jobs: [takes off her sunglasses] Ugh, there's no need to be snotty!

Interviewer: In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon was forced to resign in shame following the Watergate Scandal. One of the great mysteries of this event was the identity of Deep Throat', the person who broke the story to Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. Well tonight, we're going to find out. Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, good evening.

Bob Woodward: Good evening.

Carl Bernstein: Good evening.

Interviewer: Let's get straight to it - who is... Deep Throat'?

Bob Woodward: Well, first of all, we're not telling you. And second of all, I thought I was going to be the only guest on tonight's show?

Carl Bernstein: [Bitchy] Well I guess you're not, Bob.

Interviewer: You know, you guys are getting pretty old now...

Carl Bernstein: Well, what do you mean by that?!

Interviewer: Well, I was just wondering if you were ever going to reveal who Deep Throat is ever, before you die.

Bob Woodward: Well, a lot bigger names than you have asked us that, so I don't think we're going to reveal it here.

Carl Bernstein: No, not on a little show like this.

Interviewer: [Exasperated] You know what I think? I mean, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I don't think there ever was any such person as Deep Throat'. I think y'all just made it up.

Carl Bernstein: Yes there was! Deep Throat was -

Bob Woodward: Don't say it!! He's trying to trick us!

Carl Bernstein: [Putting a hand on Woodward's shoulder] I'm sorry...

Bob Woodward: [Slapping the hand away] Don't ever touch me.

Carl Bernstein: Bob, I said I'm sorry!

Bob Woodward: Don't... will you... you smell like cabbage!

Cam Brady: You get my son to call you daddy, I fuck your wife!

Cam Brady: You know the difference between your mom and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow me around after I dump a load in it.

Cam Brady: In my lifetime, I have made over 100,000 phone calls, and maybe 1,000 of them were obscene. That's a very small percentage!

Lou Redwood: [about the fondue he just ate] Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible!

Jackie Moon: It's called fondue.

Lou Redwood: Fon-what?

Jackie Moon: Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.

Bobby Dee: It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.

Dick Pepperfield: [others makes noises of agreement] Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive.

Bobby Dee: They are my favorite producers of pornography.

Jackie Moon: They do make an excellent fuck picture!

Dick Pepperfield: Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.

Jackie Moon: To the men's room.

Dick Pepperfield: Oh, stop it.

Jackie Moon: [others are laughing] To make your wiener sing...boner machine.

Dick Pepperfield: I am not a boner machine!

Lou Redwood: [others groan] Swedish porn saved my life in Nam. Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.

Bobby Dee: [others laugh] Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war.

Cornelius Banks: [laughter stops] You were never in Nam, you jive turkey.

Lou Redwood: [coldly; Cornelius shakes his head] Did you just call me a jive turkey?

Jackie Moon: No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?

Cornelius Banks: Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!

Lou Redwood: Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.

Dick Pepperfield: No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.

Lou Redwood: Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!

Jackie Moon: Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?

Bobby Dee: He just said you suck cock!

Dick Pepperfield: That's all he said about you!

Jackie Moon: [others laugh] Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker.

Lou Redwood: [laughing] We like playing games, don't we?

Jackie Moon: It's true, we're playing one right now.

Lou Redwood: [draws a gun and points it at Cornelius; bursts out laughing; all laugh] I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin Nam! Who's the jive turkey now? Gun's not loaded!

Jackie Moon: It's not loaded!

Lou Redwood: You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!

Cornelius Banks: The gun was not loaded!

Jackie Moon: [puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh] I'll see you fuckers in hell.

Bobby Dee: [aims at Jackie and pulls trigger] Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.

Cornelius Banks: [aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger] I did call you jive turkey.

Dick Pepperfield: [playfully, pointing gun at Lou; pulls trigger] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! Rrragh!

Lou Redwood: [laughing] We're saying nutty things cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.

Jackie Moon: [rests gun on forearm] Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh?

Dick Pepperfield: How do you like your martinis, sir?

Jackie Moon: [aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger] Stirred, in a half carafe.

Cornelius Banks: He shoots himself!

Jackie Moon: [tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly] He shoots himself in the wiener!

Jackie Moon: You...motherfucking cocksuckers!

Jackie Moon: Get the funk outta my face. Get. The. Funk. Outta My Face.

Jackie Moon: SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!

Jackie Moon: If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.

Jackie Moon: EVERYBODY PANIC! IT'S JUST LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT IT'S FULL OF BEARS!

Jackie Moon: Heaven wants us to win this game! I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

Jackie Moon: SUCK MY COCK, I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!

Jackie Moon: (to Monix) I wish you were still a washing machine!

Jackie Moon: EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!

Jackie Moon: I'm so excited, I can't even...feel my arms!

Jackie Moon: GODDAMN IT, VAKIDIS, LEARN FUCKIN ENGLISH!

Jackie Moon: When they look back in the annals of history, people are gonna be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.

Jackie Moon: It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!

Jackie Moon: Let's get Tropical!

Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!

Brad Whitaker: You built all this today? With my tools?

Dusty Mayron: Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse with a tampon, Brad.

Brad Whitaker: The step-king has had enough of the king's BULLSHIT!

Dusty Mayron: Brad said a bad word.

Dusty Mayron: So the King raised his mighty sword and rained steel down upon the Step King.

Brad Whitaker: But the Step King blocked it with his shield. And swung his cat o'nine tails into the King's smug face.

Dusty Mayron: Which the King easily brushed aside like the feather of a gull. And then the King did counter with a barrage of slashes and thrusts so fast and precise the Step King had no way to party.

Megan, Dylan: Yay!

Dusty Mayron: But he did. He did. He parried all of them. Easily. It was no big deal.

Megan, Dylan: Aww.

Brad Whitaker: Then he grabbed the King's sword right out of his hand and smashed it over his knee.

Megan, Dylan: Boo!

Dusty Mayron: That's when the King pulled out a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!

Brad Whitaker: Which is completely anachronistic. So if we're gonna be doing any time period, then the Step King just happened to be wearing Kevlar body armor.

Dusty Mayron: Concussion grenade!

Brad Whitaker: Hand grenade.

Dusty Mayron: Rocket launcher.

Brad Whitaker: Missile launcher.

Dusty Mayron: Air strike.

Brad Whitaker: Nuclear strike.

Dusty Mayron: Black hole.

Brad Whitaker: God.

Brad Whitaker: [narrating; video of copulating rhinos; driving; making sandwiches in the kitchen; Dylan and Megan walk in] Here's a question for you. What do kids need more, a father or a dad? What's the difference? The way I see it, darn near anyone can be a father... ...but not everyone has the patience or the devotion to be a dad. As for me, I've always wanted to be a dad. Let me tell you, I love it! Yeah! And I love my Ford Flex. It treats me to a smooth ride, and you know what? It didn't break the bank. Room enough for the whole family. Yes, I love being a dad. And I love these two adorable little rays of sunshine.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, what the hell is that?

Brick Tamland: It's a gun...from the future.

Wesley Jackson: No fair, he has a gun from the future!

Ron Burgundy: Where did you get it from?

BBC Anchor: [[w:BBC|BBC; BBC news team shouts] Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wanker-man Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the ] News Service!

Ron Burgundy: Oh, not now!

Jack Lime: [To his news team] Fall back, fall back.

Wesley Jackson: [[w:MTV|MTV] If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the ] news crew want in!

Brian Fantana: What's "MTV"?

Ron Burgundy: I think it's a venereal disease.

Wesley Jackson: [MTV news team shouts] The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"!

Jill Jansen: It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...

Wendy Van Peel: And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.

BBC Anchor: Entertainment News is an abomination!

Wendy Van Peel: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!

Jill Jansen: Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!

Brian Fantana: I like how they're put together.

Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.

Jill Jansen: I like to cunt-punt cowboys.

Wendy Van Peel: You eat pussy?

Jill Jansen: You're gonna.

Scott Riles: [Canada News Team shouts] HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team.

Quebec News Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!

Scott Riles: Give it a rest, eh?

Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!

Scott Riles: We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.

Quebec News Anchor: Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!

Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor: Sorry!

Brick Tamland: [[w:Canada Dry|your ginger ale] ...I like ]!

Jeff Bullington: [[w:ESPN|ESPN] Jeff Bullington, ], all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!

Brian Fantana: Holy shit, there's a lot of news!

Ron Burgundy: It's true, the market has become saturated.

History Network Host: [History Network team shouts] Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later!

Ron Burgundy: [[w:Stonewall Jackson|Stonewall Jackson] Wait a minute, is that the ghost of ] with you?

History Network Host: [[w:Minotaur|minotaur] Yes, it is. And the mighty ]!

Jack Lime: Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!

Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!

Mack Tannen: Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!

Champ Kind: He's on our side, right Ron?

Ron Burgundy: He's a were-hyena!

Wesley Jackson: [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson; [w:Michael Jackson's Thriller|video idea] I'm gonna call ], I got a ]!

Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!

Jill Jansen: [Quietly] I'm so horny right now.

Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!

Scott Riles: C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?

Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor: Sorry.

Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!

El Trousias: [Blows her horn] I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song!

Jeff Bullington: El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!

El Trousias: [Finishes blowing her horn] ...That means you can start.

Ron Burgundy: It's pronounced Sawn Dee-Ayy-Go.

Ron Burgundy: The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast made the child uncomfortable.

Ron Burgundy: Andre the Giant gave a surprising nimble foot rub.

Ron Burgundy: I'm so lonely, I paid a hobo to spoon with me.

Ron Burgundy: If you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are gonna want to follow it.

Ron Burgundy: I'm not trying to be funny, but are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?

Ron Burgundy: [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John] By the hymen of ]!

Ron Burgundy: [[Julius Caesar] Who the hell is ]? You know I don't follow the NBA!

Dr. Rick Marshall: Because if you don't make it, it's your own damn vault. That's a bitch-slap of truth right there.

Dr. Rick Marshall: How dare you?! How dare you?!

Dr. Rick Marshall: Captain Kirk's nipples!

Ron Burgundy: Knights of Columbus that hurt!

Ron Burgundy: By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!

Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot . . . milk was a bad choice!

Ron Burgundy: I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance til the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited!

Ron Burgundy: [to Brian Fantana] “We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now...and in no way is that depressing.”

Ron Burgundy: [to Baxter; clears throat; laughs; laughs again] Yoo-hoo! Baxter! Papa's home. There he is. There's my little man. You're okay? O - Of course, I met a lady tonight. This one was different. I have to be honest. Quite different. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely! I - I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego. Wow. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole . . . wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? It's actually - I'm not even mad. That's amazing. I forgive you. What do you say we get you in your PJs and we hit the hay? Huh? Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on.

Ron Burgundy: [upon seeing Veronica Corningstone for the first time] By the beard of Zeus!

Ron Burgundy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!

Ron Burgundy: For all of us here at News Center Four, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is what's happening in your world tonight. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

Ron Burgundy: [clears throat] The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well, if you were a man, I would punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.

Ron Burgundy: The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

Ron Burgundy: Mm, I love scotch. I love Scotch. Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.

Ron Burgundy: How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin. La - Lanolin? Like - like sheep's wool?

Maury: For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!

Mugatu: [interrupting Maury; To the Malaysian Prime Minister; Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!

Derek Zoolander: [Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp] One look? One look?! I don't think so!

Hansel: There it is!

Todd: MAGNUM!

Larry Zoolander: [Watching on TV] Holy moley!

Maury: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!

Mugatu: [The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop] Dear God...it's beautiful!

Derek Zoolander: [smashes the model for the reading center] What is this? A center for ants?

Mugatu: What?

Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...

Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Mugatu: He's absolutely right you know.

Brennan Huff: (On Christmas Day, regarding his Chewbacca mask) It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

Brennan Huff: (After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.

Brennan Huff: (In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?

Brennan Huff: (Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?

Brennan Huff: [[w: liquid paper|Liquid Paper] (At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put ] on a bee... And it died.

Brennan Huff: [[w: Leonard Nimoy|Leonard Nimoy] (Sleep-talking) I'll kill you, ].

Brennan Huff: (Playing with Dale's drumset, as he yells in one of the drums) FUCK YOU, DALE! FUCK YOU!!

Brennan Huff: [[w: John Bonham|John Bonham; [w:Moby_Dick_(song)|Moby Dick] (Banging Dale's snare drum with his scrotum) ]'s playing ] for real!

Detective Allen Gamble: Gator needs his gat, you punk-ass BITCH!

Detective Allen Gamble: You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!

Detective Allen Gamble: [while interrogating Ershon] I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!

Detective Allen Gamble: [in a ballet school] I think we all experienced our own ballet today. A ballet of emotion, and feelings.

Detective Allen Gamble: I never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused.

Detective Allen Gamble: How do they walk away in movies when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that. When they flew the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!

Chief Wyatt Rash: Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?

Cubby: You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Chief Wyatt Rash: Along those lines.

Cubby: Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Ricky Bobby: Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin it on.

Ricky Bobby: [[w:Don Shula|Don Shula; [w:Takeru Kobayashi|that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row; [w:Rue McClanahan|Rue McClanahan; [w:The Golden Girls|The Golden Girls] You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at ]. Legendary coach. Look at ]. Look at ]. From ]. Three people, all great champions, all loved.

Ricky Bobby: Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.

Ricky Bobby: [Looking under the hood of his race car; [w:Yasmine Bleeth|Yasmine Bleeth] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin up ]'s skirt!

Ricky Bobby: [driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M GETTIN TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!

Ricky Bobby: [[w:Jamie McMurray|Jamie] Hey, ]! Losing's never fun, but here's a little something to pick your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale.

Ricky Bobby: [[w:The Real World|The Real World] I sent in my application to ], so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.

Ricky Bobby: [running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

Phil Weston: Hey, if it isn't "fart-faced" Jones. What's up, farty pants? Bring it on! You can have the first punch right here. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin but a fart-faced kid.

Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!

Buck: [watching from across the field] Atta boy, Logan!

Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from Hell!

Mike Ditka: Hey, Phil, I-I-I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.

Phil Weston: You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin in when I'm talkin to my team. You're my assistant, okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juice boxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juice box.

Mike Ditka: YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN TO?

Phil Weston: I'm talkin to the juice box guy.

Mike Ditka: You're crazy!

Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.

Mike Ditka: WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL?!

Phil Weston: No, you go to Hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juice box?!

Mike Ditka: I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not! You're like your old man!

Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!

Mike Ditka: If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!

Phil Weston: I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!

Mike Ditka: [walks back to the parking lot] I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye!

Phil Weston: [The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off] I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to Juice Box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves!

Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this Meat Comes First thing!

Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

Phil Weston: In due time, Connor, in due time. However, I want all of you to know, if the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision that we will eat Byong Sun.

Phil Weston: Alright, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look delicious, you have to admit, right, if we had to eat someone?

Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs; [Shrek 2|for 5 minutes; he shows them this new kick; nearly wrecking the fireplace] Got you a gift. Soccer Dan instructional DVD. We're gonna keep learning as we go. This is where we're really gonna hone our skills. This will take us to the next level. Study it. Watch it. I only watched it ], I already learned this, it's called "Up and Over". You can learn things like, maybe back over here! Fakes left, fakes right, he shoots!

Barbara Weston: [Phil hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] What is going on in there? Guys, I said no playing soccer in the house.

Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston: Who did that?

Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.

The Tigers: HE DID!

Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!

Hunter: [the kids start attacking Phil] Kill Phil!

Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!

Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.

Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think those are?

Phil Weston: I have no idea.

The Generals: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

Mike Ditka: Hey! Shut up, ya little rats!

Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.

Mike Ditka: [throws down his clipboard and walks off] Hey. forget the appreciation! I wanna win a soccer game!

Parent: Can I have this?

Phil Weston: Sure.

Parent: Alright!

Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game. He's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. In fact, I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?

Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.

Ditka: You mean it's not Paul?

Phil Weston: No.

Ditka: [lights a cigar] What's the difference? Come on, spit it out.

Phil Weston: Uh, here it is--

Diana Ditka: Mike?

Ditka: [gives cigar to Phil] Hold this.

Ditka: Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Ditka: [takes back the cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey.

Phil: Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.

Ditka: [in disbelief] Soccer?

Phil: Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.

Ditka: [chuckling] Your assistant coach? You really don't know who I am, do you?

Phil: You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--

Ditka: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?

Phil: Well, yeah.

Diana: Mike, I smell smoke!

Ditka: Nobody's smoking!

Diana: Mike!

Ditka: [to Phil] For Pete's sake! So, like, it's me and you against your old man?

Phil: I mean there are other teams--

Diana: Got ya!

Ditka: [to Phil, pointing the cigar at him] No smoking means no smoking!

Diana: Okay, come on, Phil!

Ditka: I'll throw this out the window, honey.

Phil: I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.

Diana: [leaves again] You should be.

Phil: It's a nasty, filthy habit.

Ditka: [to Phil] Hey, you can count me in!

Phil: Really?

Ditka: Let's bring your old man down!

Phil Weston: [being kicked out of Beantown] What is wrong with you, Derek? I thought we were friends!

Beantown cashier: My name is Andy!

Phil Weston: Your name is liar because you're telling lies! You know what the odds are I'll never come back here again? There's a good chance at that!

Beantown barista: That's a chance we'll have to take.

Phil Weston: Okay, if that's how you wanna play it.

Beantown cashier: Okay.

Phil Weston: [leaves] I am disappointed!

Beantown barista: Good!

Ann Hogan: [after Phil reprimands Byong Sun for missing the net on a kick] Ease up on him!

Phil Weston: You ease up on that corduroy jacket of yours!